A letter from June 6th, 2020

Dear Future me, I’m not sure if ill actually be getting this in 5 years and in 5 years I would be getting this on June 6th 2025. If I some how end of getting this email, then I hope I’m happy. At this time when I am reading this, I believe I’d be finishing my junior year in college if I did my math right, seems far away but in reality I feel like I started 6th grade just yesterday. I remember walking into the halls after getting off my bus from the rec center looking at all the 8th graders and saying wow, they are huge. Some of those 8th graders I watched just graduate from high school a couple days ago, which is crazy to thing about. Time flies so fast and you really don’t think about it. I’m going into the junior year of high school which really scares me because I’m going to have so much on my hands between managing soccer at TBU if I continued playing there because right now I’m not really sure if I want to, I also will be taking 4 AP classes which is insane to me. Along with probably getting my first real job that is if I get a car otherwise there is not much point. I am really wondering now what ill be doing about soccer in 5 years. I love to play the sport but after one year at TBU ECNL where I didn’t even play majority of the season I’ve started to hate it almost, I mean the other day I had a mental break down in the shower about how much I miss playing for Joe. I think I will be playing in college mainly to satisfy my mother with the price of how much college costs. It’s hard writing to myself for the future when I have no idea what could happen or if I will still be alive, everything can be fine one second but then I the blink of an eye it hits you when you least expect it to. I think the only reason I’m all up in my head right now about possible not being alive is because I just finished watching 13 reasons why season 4, which is pretty much all about teenagers ******* themselves at least that’s how the show starts in season 1 and then they some how are able to juice the show for another 3 seasons that pretty much have nothing to do about the main purpose, however it still managed to be good thought. At this point in time I hope to have some idea as to what I’m passionate about because right now I have zero clue. When someone asks, I just say business usually because it makes the most sense. I kind of like to write, but not sure if I am any good at it though based on this awfully written letter. Also being told I suck at reading does not help anymore at thinking I want to write. To be honest I guess I’m not the best at it but I feel like I can have a way with words but then again who knows because I’m writing a letter to myself that I may one day never read which is great to think about. Being a veterinarian also sounded pretty cool to me, I’m not sure if that’s the fuller house DJ Tanner vibes talking or if it’s something I am actually interested in, who knows what the future has to hold for me. Love is the next thing I have decided to talk to myself about. God if only I knew what the hell I’m talking about. Currently my friends mainly Nadia and Lena are yelling at me about why I will not just date Kameron they say were perfect for each other, and that we are literally the same person. I feel like I love him, but I have a feeling it’s just in that best friend kind of way. I’m hoping I never stringed him on for to long without telling him how I felt because I can tell myself in this current moment, I have no idea what I want. A part of me wants to party it up all summer with my friends and kiss any guy at any moment if I choose to. The safe part of me wants to just say yes but I do not know. In five years, I hope I’m either in a relationship that I feel is secure and possibly going somewhere maybe, or in I’m partying it up dancing on frat guy’s tables every night just having a great time. Honestly, I think I’d be happy with either. The world is a scary place with so many remarkable things about it. I’m so scared to talk about the future it’s just that anything could happen at any given moment. My parents right now are 55 when I’m reading this, they would both be 60 and I’d be 20. I hope they are both happy and healthy I would most likely have moved out when I went off to college because I know for a fact I wanted to go somewhere out of state to be as far as possible but I mean that a good way. Not that I hate them and do not like being around them but by the fact that they would know they raised me well enough for me to be comfortable to move away. I have always been a very independent person whether they would agree with that statement or not. I feel like you learn how to grow up to be very independent when your parents are never home. I see them in morning before school but half the time my mom does not come home till 7 pm. Sometimes I love being home alone but there are days when they both take so long to get home that I worry something happened to them. For example they could have gotten into a car crash and I would never know until hours later when someone finally decided to look at their phone or next of kin and give them a call. Now the next thing I am going to talk to myself about are some of my deeper insecurities. One thing that bothers me the most is other people’s option. I care way too much about it, like what I dress like, who I date and how attractive they must be, how I act in front of certain people. I know this problem is not something that can be changed in a day because believe me if that were the case this would have been solved years ago. It will take a long time and probably a slap in the face or two for me to just be me. I am too scared to even date some people because I’m afraid of what some of my friends will think of them. Like they aren’t hot enough or main one that they aren’t “popular” enough this one is the hardest for me because it’s so degrading to think that, that would be the reason why I’m like this, but it’s not necessarily your fault when you where raised in a society where this actually mattered. Picking what I wear is also hard sometimes because one day I wore my maroon hoodie to school with my grey leggings that got from forever 21 for like 5 bucks, and Shelby of all people said I looked like a homeless person, I pretended like when they told me that she said that because her ***** *** self could never have enough courage to say it to my face, that I didn’t really care and that I though it was funny when deep down it kind of hurt because I would wear that outfit all the time because it was comfy and I liked it, for the rest of that year even though it only lasted a few more weeks because of corona I never wore an outfit like that again. I act like a do not care which everyone does as well, but deep-down words hurt and Honestly, words speak louder than actions do. I hope I remember that line every day with every sentence I say because I know one day I will have forgotten it and I’m going to hurt someone because of it, and possible lose them as a friend or just really hurt someone’s feelings who I wasn’t that close to in the first place. You never realize who is listening to your conversation because I sure pay attention to other peoples. Anyway, I think the greatest thing I have to say to myself in the future is just be kind and be you. No one is going to love you the way you love yourself and if I am reading this during a dark time because of something that happened it gets better one day, that day might not be tomorrow but it will be one day, and one day you are going to be so happy and I only want the best for you even if I am talking to myself. So Love, Sarah Hotung from 6/6/2020 I hope you get everything you deserve from life because you deserve nothing less from your fifteen year old self :)