A letter from June 6th, 2020

Dear FutureMe, hi. how are you? i hope you are doing better than right now. it is june 2020 and the world is on fire. it’s now been 3 months since you were in school even though this past week was supposed to be your first week of summer vacation thanks to covid-19. there are black lives matter protests everywhere and the videos circulating online about them turning to riots are heartbreaking. everything is just so terrible right now and i have just become so numb to it. i would give anything just to feel something these days, i have cried, i have watched the sun rise and set, i saw the strawberry moon, i have gone on countless bike rides, i have driven a little to fast, i have reached out to strangers, i have shut myself off to everyone, i have had bonfires with friends, i have climbed the rocks at that secret little beach, i have journaled, i have listened to the crying playlist, i have lied on the roof outside my window at 5 in the morning, i have slept into the afternoon, i have done yoga, i have sewn countless projects, i have taken photos of the doll, i have stormed out of the house and walked as far as i possibly can, i have done everything i can think of and i still feel nothing. the days all blend together and i’m so miserable here. i cannot wait until i can have real human connection with anyone other than my family, or even better to move out of this miserable life, i just keep telling myself i only have to live through another year of dad’s constant fits and mom’s psychotic drama, but i don’t know i’ll last that long. i love them so so much and i’m so grateful for the life they have given me but they make me so miserable so often and i just don’t know how to fix it. i don’t know how to fix any of it. i hope that by the time you read this, you are in a good place with yourself, you have real friends you can rely on and that you actually enjoy being with, i hope that you are moving onto med school and working hard for your future, i hope that you have had wild, magical adventures that you will remember forever, i hope that you have a better relationship with your family, i hope that you have had at least one really spectacular relationship, i hope you are able to find love and light everywhere you look, i hope that you are a better person than who i am now, i hope you find your love of making music again (i have recently lost that) i hope you only remember the good parts of company, mixed company, and sound bytes (please only remember the magic that freshman year was and how happy and at home you felt at comps and how fantastic nelly was and not the countless miserable rehearsals and when julia was horrible to you that one morning when t wasn’t there and that one mxco rehearsal you went to crying and how accidentally horrible you were to nelly because you were just so miserable and he was just trying to help you) i hope you finally get a therapist, i hope you figure out who you are, i hope you are a good person, i hope you learn how to drive a motorcycle, i hope your room is clean, and most of all, i hope you are alive. love, 17 year old you