A letter from June 5th, 2020

Hi!!!! It's hard to imagine what everything will be like in five years. i just officially transferred to indiana so everything will be changing this year. i really hope this was the right decision but im sure by then you will know whether or not it was. i dont feel like i will forget what it was like to be my five years ago but i might. i will tell you all about me. everything i love, everyone i love. first things first: the current happenings!!!!!! im in bolingbrook il home for the summer. we got sent home early because of corona which was actually a good thing for me because i hated marquette so much. then george floyd was ******** by a police officer in minneapolis which spurred a bunch of riots. i hope things are better by then. im doing shipt for money because i cant work at moms firm but im worried about money running out. its ok i guess im just so anxious all the time. im on prozac right now for that but it just makes me really tired. i am recovering from problems with eating and ive lost 30ish pounds. i dont really want to get better i kind of just want to be skinny still. favorites: family guy, madness by muse, coraline, sour mike n ikes important non family in my life: ben, mack, will, sara, riley, kayla, colin k, mrs keating, eri i love ben so much. he is everything and more to me and i really hope he's still a part of our life. i really can't imagine being without him. it would be my hardest heartbreak if i ever lost him. i am currently struggling with the idea that im going to have the same issues dad had. the seeing things and the drinking. idk. it feels like something im going to have to deal with but i guess i have no idea. mom wants to move to arizona but joe doesnt. joe is angry and aggressive still which is annoying but maybe he will have grown out of it by now. i wonder where he's going to go to college. he really is my best friend even though sometimes he's randomly aggressive and mean. i dont know what i'd do without him. mom and john fight sometimes but still seem like they are a forever thing. ive gotten closer with my mom and im trying to convince her that we should be friends instead of just family. i think that being both is super cool. i am living with a lot of fear. sometimes im worried that things won't work out the way i want them to. i don't like not knowing what's going to happen. i don't like to feel out of control. i dont like that nobody ever understands what im feeling. yeah other people are anxious and have eating problems but idk it feels like im all alone sometimes. like nobody understands. its fine though im generally good and happy. i wish i could be everything i wanted so that i wouldnt be fighting so hard to be something that i might not ever be able to be. its fine. im sure it will be all good by then. or closer to good. closer to right i guess. i hope you are doing ok. reminder that things are ok no matter what happened over these past five years. whether things are kinda the same or everythings different and youre alone. itll be ok i guess. thats what everybody says anyway. hopefully by then we will have found meaning in ourselves. sometimes its exhausting to rely on others. JOE JUST WALKED IN AND ROASTED ME FOR MY WHITENING STRIPS! HOPEFULLY ILL HAVE WHITE TEETH BY THEN! good luck charlie. eva but in 2020. 18. 130 pounds. 5'4 maybe. anxious, obsessive, in love, loved. TO STILL BEING LOVED IN 2025 EVEN IF ITS BY MYSELF.