A letter from June 5th, 2020

Dear Future Me, It’s June 4th, 2020, 11:55 pm. I am absolutely exhausted but I can’t sleep. My body aches. My heart hurts. My thoughts are a mile a minute. I want to make it clear that I am writing from Ketchikan, you’ve been here for just over a month. Things are not as bad here as they are everywhere else. You could be in Phoenix right now. But my time line is nothing but activism. Anti racism. ACAB. How to hide your identity. Petitions. Bail funds. Graphic videos of police brutality. I have made more steps toward justice and equality in the past two weeks than I have in my entire life. Learning about racism is hard. It breaks my heart that poc are born into this. It’s hard to take a break from the bad news. One, because that’s mainly what we have right now. You can’t turn your head without seeing more saddening stories. Two, because I feel guilty. I feel guilty that after two weeks I’m tired. I want a break. I want just one day of peace. Black people do not have that luxury. I am burnt out. If I asked anyone, of any race, they would tell me to take a break. That my mental health is important and recharging is okay. But it feels physically impossible to. And that’s not to say that I’m being the best most radical helpful knowledgeable activist. I’m just doing what I can. I know that there will be no return to normal after this. We can’t go back to how things were. But how long will all of this last. My friends and I are posting exclusively political statements. Only things that are helpful in today’s climate. When will we return to posting stupid jokes and pretty pictures. We must not forget the fight. But I’m excited to have that back. Will we slowly integrate things back in or will we go all at once, forgetting completely the month we spent as freedom fighters? I’ve attended one blm protest. We stood at the Safeway intersection, there was maybe 25 of us. It felt extremely gratifying to be surrounded by like minded people for a cause. There’s another one on Saturday. Today Tommy Varela and his fiancée were denied business from Heavenly Creations to do the flowers for their wedding. We will be protesting tomorrow across the street. I wish we could gather for pride under less upsetting circumstances but I’m happy to be there. I hope to be able to rest soon. The world is moving so fast.