A letter from June 4th, 2020

hey hayden, when you get this letter, you will be 23 years old. i hope you're still here to read this. right now i'm feeling very bad and suicidal and i wanted to write a letter to... document it i guess? and to ask if you're still feeling this way. i hope you aren't, but i wouldn't be surprised if you were. i hope you're doing something you love. whether that be becoming a lawyer, helping animals or something else entirely. i know money is everyone's goal, but i don't really want that to tell us where to go. i think i want us to be happy more than anything else. i hope we achieve that. i want us to be happy. right now you're probably thinking about how emo i used to be, and you're right. but just remember today is a bad day that was surrounded by some better days. my anxiety is getting bad again, but my depression is doing okay. today im 68 days clean. im trying hard to keep it that way. the state of the world is not good. i'm sure you remember most of the ****, but the thing i'm most concerned about is george floyd and the protests. i want to go to one. i feel like i need to. this injustice needs to stop and i want to help. i just have a feeling no one will take me. i don't have friends i could go with. plus, this is florida so this isnt exactly the best place to find like minded people. i hope by the time you get this things have changed. i don't have hope if i'm being honest. it's like the 60s all over again. i just want justice. no justice no peace. and i will always stand by that. before the george floyd incident, or ****** i should say, i didn't agree with acab. but now i do. the system is corrupt and as a white person i was blind to it. also, i'm really ******* hoping that the president is in jail. he deserves to be in jail. this country needs to ******* change. but nothing will happen whilst this man is in office. i hope by the time you're reading this theres a better president. but like i've said before in this letter, i'm not getting my hopes up. i hope you're okay. i hope alyssa, mom, grandma, grandpa, and the cats are okay. especially molly. i love her dearly. she'll be 11 when you get this and i hope she's holding on. some positives are that we're fostering! mary and dean, sam, and cassie. i hope they're okay and went into good homes. stay safe. things will be okay.