A letter from June 3rd, 2020

Dear FutureMe, Today is 6/3/2020, June 3rd of 2020. My birthday is going to be soon, June 22nd. Right now, nothing feels real. I feel lost on everything. So far this year, Kobe has died in a helicopter accident, the coronavirus has had me in quarantine ever since Friday March 13th. That was the last "normal" day for me and a lot of other people. From there, everything has just started going downhill in the world. ****** hornets were discovered in May. And now, Black Lives Matter protests over George Floyd and police brutality are going on as I am typing this. People are being shot with rubber bullets, tear gassed, and being arrested for no reason. Why is racism even a thing? It should've never been a thing in the first place. Just because someone's skin color is different than mine doesn't make them less human than I am. It doesn't make them worth less than I am. We're all human. Now, moving on to my personal life. I am currently in a happy relationship that's been going on for almost 10 months now. June 8th will be our 10 months. I'm very happy with him and I really hope he will be in my future forever. He treats me right. My relationship with my family isn't the best, it's been better. I despise dad for being such a jerk all the time. When he's not, everything feels right, but as soon as he gets mad and starts yelling and goes back to his old ways, he ruins his reputation I have for him. With mom, I don't trust her much. She's really starting to annoy me. She won't let me go anywhere and hang out with my friends, she's being a germ-a-phobe and cleaning everything anytime she goes out in public and changes her clothes when she gets home, she says she's worried about us going back to school in the fall and that she's considering me and Nick doing home schooling. There is no way I'm going to let her do that to me. I'll lose all my friends and my social life. Plus I wouldn't get to do band or Drage. She already won't let Abi drive me back to the school from Drage to band because "she's a new driver and could crash easily," yet she's having grandma drive me, whom is more at risk in getting in an accident than Abi is. Mom is just getting on my nerves. I stay up until 4 am crying most nights because I can't see my friends or my boyfriend. Before I cried because my counselor said she couldn't provide school transportation for me back to the school, and I did not want to choose between band and Drage. I just can't. I also cried after I sent my counselor an email saying grandma was going to drive me, this is what she wrote back, "No worries! You don't need to be sorry. I am just glad that everything is working out for you. As I said before, Miss Iceman said that she can't lose you in the band and I know that you enjoy it. I also think that you are going to shine at RG Drage. I look for you to do really well next year and I am glad that you can do both. Have a good summer!" I cried because I have never heard anything like "I think you are going to shine at RG Drage" or any words of encouragement from mom or dad. They just say, "you better not get sh*tty grades this year." That's all they've said every year, even the past years where I did get good grades. It's just not enough for them and that's what makes me sad. And when mom tells me I can talk to her about anything, she just turns it into a lecture and it makes me not want to talk to her about personal things. Which I never do anymore. Moving on again to my body. I currently weigh around 124/125 lbs. I see myself as a fat ugly frog/cow/pig/gorilla/gremlin and not pretty. I compare myself to the girls I follow on Instagram or the selfies they post on Snapchat. I'm just not good enough in my head. Recently, I've been working out little by little and trying to love myself like I'm suppose to. I started a sketch of my upper body n*ked, but I haven't had the motivation to finish it since my counselor sent the email saying she couldn't send school transportation after me, which was a couple days ago. Even though I do have a ride back to the school now, her email just broke me. I was so happy that day too, and the days before it. I don't have anything else to write about (I can't think of anything else) so this is where I say goodbye to my future self. I hope my future is full of a lot more freedom than I have now and I wish that I'm doing well and doing what I love. ~Ariana :) P.S. Make another letter after this to update your future self again. I love you <3