A letter from June 1st, 2020

Dear FutureMe, Things are tough right now. I'm constantly having an emotional turmoil inside my head, but no one around me notices. Sometimes I wish for all of this to be in my dreams, just a continuous nightmare that I'll eventually wake up from. But, I know that's a stretch from reality. Quarantine because of the 2020 pandemic has us staying at home. But honestly, I'd rather be anywhere but here right now, emotionally speaking. I'm just so afraid of what each new day holds. The major reason why I value my alone time in my room is because I hate spending my time out of it. Whenever my parents fight, or whenever my dad gets ticked off, it leaves a bad stain on me and I have trouble suppressing my tears. If I'm alone, at least I get to shed a few tears before consoling myself that everything will be alright. This new lifestyle also made me realize my trigger point. My dad. Whenever he gets angry and raises his voice, whenever he curses or badmouths others, it just gives me flashback of the past of when my sisters and I were younger. I can still vividly imagine their terrified faces in the car while mom and dad fought inside the house. They were loud enough to wake up the whole neighborhood. I know I turn 20 this year, but I don't feel mature when it comes to this. I hate myself for it. Because I can't even help defend my family for what they didn't do. I can't even stand up for my mom when dad gets angry at her. I can't even support my sisters and brother when dad gets angry at them for the littlest things. I know I'm pathetic. I've been told it many times. I know. I'm writing this letter to you because I have no one else to seek closure to. Another pathetic fact about me. It's fine I guess. I'm just wondering when all of this will end. Will it ever end? All I've wanted for the past 19 years of my life is for a happy family. A family where we value each other's presence and accept all their flaws and weaknesses. A family that loves and supports one another in whatever they want to do. Why is that so hard to obtain? I love each and every one of my family. each and everyone. no exceptions. But, sometimes I wonder if we all feel the same, or others slightly less. I'm blabbering now, never mind. I hope you are doing alright in the future. I hope everything works out for the better. However, if everything is still the same, I guess just write another one of these and expect for a miracle to happen... I don't know... On another note, I hope you're not married yet. Cause the present you right now has set very high standards on men, and unless they tick off all the boxes, don't you ever settle for less. If you have found a guy and is planning on getting married, I just want to say, "ew congrats but i didn't expect that..." :) and if u are already married, i hope the husband is a nice guy who will always make u happy.. because you deserve it. I guess that's all from 20 year old u from the past. Take care. I love you.