A letter from June 1st, 2020

Dear FutureMe, Hi. I hope things are going well. Like really well. I am not in the best place at the moment. I feel as if I am suffocating and there is no one around to help me. I know, I know that sounds so dramatic but I have no idea how else to put it. I am unhappy with myself, with my life and with everyone around me. I graduated school last Monday. Well not really due to the whole coronavirus thing. Because of this I feel as if time isn’t real any more. I was unable to actually comprehend that time was moving so fast and that these massive milestones in my life that should be filled with amazing memories are passing me by without so much as a congratulations. I also feel so alone. I feel so completely disconnected from the people around me. I can’t relate to them, or open up to them. I don’t trust them to be truly honest with myself. I am afraid that if I do they will all leave me. Because I can already feel them drifting. Now I don’t know if that’s because of me who I am, or because of this pandemic and that we haven’t seen each other or what. I hope for you, that you are doing much better than me. I hope you have followed your dreams and have not backed down from any challenge. Please tell me that you haven’t caved in and took a job as a clerical officer or something so horrendously boring as that. I hope you have traveled or are travelling. I hope you are seeing the world and not stuck in your bedroom like I am now. I hope you have found yourself. Truly blossomed into who I desperately want to be and who you truly are. I hope you are free. I want you to be free. Guess what I’m manifesting it right now! 2025 me will be directing film or maybe even be in them, doing what she loves, creating art and truly taking in all the world has to offer. Not backing down from Irish societal pressures. I am unhappy now. So completely alone and terrified of being myself. I feel myself distancing from my emotions and becoming completely numb. I can feel myself isolating and I can’t help it. Please whenever you see yourself becoming like this again stop yourself! I know you have it in you. I hope that the girl I am now is gone. That you have completely destroyed her. If not, please keep kicking. Even though now, I feel as if I won’t make It to then, you might feel that as well, if I can pull through and stay around for five years, future me can stay around for another five. Give future me the love she deserves. The love that I cannot give myself today. Lots of love, Your Past Self xx