A letter from May 27th, 2020

Dear FutureMe, I just finished reading one of my many books during quarantine, in fact, the last of the summer I turned pretty series: We'll Always Have Summer. In case you don't remember, this series started with Belly who used to go to this beach house every summer with her family and they shared the house with another family which included Jeremiah and Conrad. To sum everything up relatively quickly, Belly was always in love with Conrad and eventually dated him her junior year but they broke up with prom. Then, over the summer before her senior year, she started to date Jeremiah and she dated him until the end of her freshman year of college, at this point he proposed to her. This is where the last book starts which is all about wedding planning. By the end Conrad confesses that he still loves Belly and the wedding doesn't happen. They flash forward about 5 years and its Belly getting married to Conrad. Ok you are probably wondering why I'm summarizing this whole plot for you and I am doing so because it just makes me feel like I'm missing out and something is wrong with me. I have never had a great love and I doubt anybody has ever even thought of me in that way. So, I guess that I'm just hoping that future me, I guess you reading this now, has had more luck. I'm currently writing this on May 27th, 2020 and we are stuck in quarantine and so I think you should be getting this on May 27th, 2025, which is crazy to think about. Are you in med school? Do you like it? I'm currently an APK major on the pre-med track and I'm thinking about med schools in Massachusetts, North Carolina, New York, or possibly California although I'm not super serious about California because I don't think it would really happen. I'm curious to know where I'll end up, what if I didn't even end up staying pre-med. I guess only time will tell. So, how's life. Currently, TikTok is the big thing and I've been passing wayyyyy too much time on it during this quarantine, lol. On TikTok right now, other than arguments about if you're on straight TikTok or the good side of TikTok (which I think I'm on the good side but Grace keeps telling me I'm not and I'm on some in-between side, idk) there has been a lot of TikToks about if your the main character or not and videos with 'main character vibes.' With this main character talk people have been saying that you need to start romanticizing your life and think of everything/ every experience as the best thing possible. I've decided I'm going to try to start doing that because I feel like I'm pretty detached from everything. A couple of weeks ago I discovered the emotion desensitization or emotional numbness or whatever it's called and I feel like I have it and it has prevented me from having certain experiences. Either way, I just feel like if I stop thinking so much and also stop being on my phone/computer so much that I would have more fun and make more memories. It's kind of hard to do while you're in quarantine but I'm really hoping all of this ends soon so I can start. I saw something of twitter or maybe instagram the other day about how people are wanting life to jst go back to normal after quarantine and how people shouldn't want that. I mean, of course we should want self- isolation and social distancing to stop but our past 'normal' also included so much pollution and destruction to the earth and this quarantine has just shown how much better things could get just from a couple of weeks of less pollution and such. I hope that aspect does change, I guess you would know. I'm getting my hair cut tomorrow, it's probably going to be the most hair I've ever gotten cut off before unless I chicken out haha. My hair is currently down to the middle of my lower back or so and I plan on getting it cut to about an inch below my shoulders. I hope I like it, we'll see. I'm not exactly sure what else to put in this letter and I honestly kind of feel like it is long enough so maybe I should end it here. But, I just have one more thing to say: I really hope that you are living your life more that you are now, maybe not just going through the motions. I've realized that I do that a lot; I can't rememeber the last time I was super excited about something or I tried my hardest on something and was as motivated as possible for a task. Don't be so afraid of failure, I have also realized that that is the biggest thing holding me back; well that and judgment but I feel like they go hand in hand don't you? You get judged because people feel like you failed on some certain task or scale, whether that be fashion or looks or even just basketball. I know I said that would be the last thing but what I was just talking about reminded me of enneagram types and I really believe in them right now. We are a type three, in case you forgot, being the achiever so I hope that by now you've learned that it is ok to not be perfect at everything and that you are soooo worthy of love and acceptance, no matter what. Also, I hope that you cry a lot because I really think crying is good and I don't do it enough right now: I'm not sure if it's the emotional numbness or what but I need to work on that. Oh and also I hope you learned how to open up to people and let them inside your brain and your thoughts cause I have also learned that I have a problem with doing that and that is probably why I haven't had really any close friends. Ok, sorry for all the extra talk, I got carried away. I'll talk to you again soon, haha, maybe write another one of these now for myself in another 5 years.