A letter from May 26th, 2020

Dear FutureMe, I am trying so hard not to cry as a type this letter to send to you. I really do hope that you're in a much better place- mentally, emotionally, and spiritually. This 2020 version of you right now is heartbroken, frustrated, numb, sad, distracted, unmotivated, and everything else in between. It's not a professional diagnosis, but according to self evaluation tests made to help you decide if you need help, I have depression, a bipolar disorder, anxiety, and problems with substance abuse. I have not gotten the help I need, but I hope you have. I constantly feel like I'm in a hole that keeps getting deeper as I try to climb out. I have periods where I'm doing "okay"- that's in quotes because I'm not really okay, I am just distracted. Whenever I'm not distracted or when something triggers me, I fall back into these episodes of indescribable sadness. This will happen for days at a time. I don't feel motivated to do anything really. My heart feels so heavy. My head is in overdrive. It feels like this will never end. I try to stay positive. I try to manifest and pray and think positive, but it's so incredibly hard when it feels like everything is against you. One thing after another. Nothing is going right for me right now. I don't have anything to feel happy about. I feel shallow saying that because I have health, and food, and shelter, and a loving family, but that's not what I'm referring to. School feels like a burden- I'm so close to finishing but I don't have the motivation. I want to give up so bad. My finances are **** right now- I had to pay almost $1500 out of pocket for classes. I got furloughed from my job. I officially "ended" things with P. It breaks my heart to see this all go to **** after I had so much faith in things turning out well for us. I hope that while you're reading this letter, you can laugh because now you're both together! (or with someone better than him?) But right now, I am heartbroken because I wanted it to be him. I saw the potential we had together, but he didn't. His words replay in my mind like a broken record- I can't forget them. He says he's the problem- not me. He says he sees my value, but that he's simply not ready for a relationship. He says he doesn't want to hurt me and that he respects whatever I have to do, so that he doesn't end up hurting me. God, I hate him so ******* much. It could all be so simple. I'm literally crying right now. Anyway, I hope things worked out for you and that you're happy now. I hope that you learned to love yourself a little more. I hope that you learned that happiness comes from yourself and not from anyone else. You can't depend on people to love you and make you happy, you have to do it yourself. I hope you've realized just how valuable you are. I already know I'm valuable, but it's not enough because I still stay in these toxic relationships hoping that a guy can see the value in me. That's the problem. I haven't fully grasped my self worth. I hope that by now you've accomplished at least one or several of your goals. Whether it was getting your ***** done, traveling to Thailand, paying off your debts, landing your dream job, finding the love of your life... God, I pray you have. If me suffering right now means that you get to live a better life, then this feels worth it. I'll go through it.