A letter from May 25th, 2020

Dear FutureMe, How are you? I hope you are better than me now. Ty broke up with me yesterday and I don't know how to feel about it. He was the first guy that I ever loved and it sucks to not have him with me anymore. Love is a really weird thing like I don't get how someone can go from saying I love you to saying that they cant talk to you in the span of a couple of days. I didn't think that we would ever be endgame or anything but I at least thought that we would last longer than 2 and a half months. That isn't even much time. 76 days of pure bliss. 1824 hours. That isn't even a big number. But he meant so much to me. I knew him since my fifth birthday, that was 4816 days ago. That seems like a much bigger number. And that friendship has now gone. IT SUCKS! It sucks that one boy can change my life this much and I don't get to be with him now. I feel absolutely dumbfounded as to why it had to end. He said it was because of his family and some issues that they were going through but why would he end it with me. And he said that he hadn't been thinking about ending things with me which makes it seem like he didn't even try to fight for me and that once things got a little bit hard, he left me. But I still care for him. As soon as I got Ty's message, I messaged Joey to make sure that Ty had someone he trusted with him because I knew that he needed someone, and I was right. Apparently he had completely trashed his room and was sitting on the end of his bed crying which means that this wasn't something that he wanted to do. It hurts so much knowing that he is hurting too and there is nothing I can do about it. I live in Melbourne and he is in Christchurch and he doesn't want to call me. It hurts. I just want to be there for him as a friend but after how I reacted yesterday, I don't know if we will ever get this friendship back. I never knew heartbreak could hurt this much. I feel completely numb but at the same time it's like my emotions are overwhelming me. It's hard to think but I've actually considered harming myself. I was in the shower before and thought about taking a blade out of the razor and cutting. And I've stopped eating as much. I can't help but think Ty left me because I wasn't pretty enough and wasn't skinny enough so I'm going to change that. I know that I really shouldn't do this but I can't help it. Like what if I lose 15 kgs and then more guys see me as attractive like all of my friends. And I know I shouldn't cut and I haven't yet but I just need to feel something. Burning hot showers just don't cut it now. I hope that when you are reading this in five years you are doing better than me now. I love you heaps and I will try to stay strong for you. Love, your past self xx