A letter from May 24th, 2020

Dear 21 year old Layla, So right now it's May 24, 2020. This year has been pretty **** so far like I've been quarantined for over two months and I'm so over it. But I know that you'll know all this because you are me and so that means that you went through this. It feels nice to be able to write to someone that I know will understand what I am trying to say and understand the things that I'm feeling. Basically right now I'm stuck. I'm stuck not being able to be who I want and live the life that I want to live. It's infuriating. I see countless people on social media all doing the things that I want to do and it crushes me inside knowing that there is no way that I can do that. I guess my biggest issue with it is that I want to live the typical teenager life: sneaking out, going to parties, sleeping on facetime, being with my friends 24/7 but I can't do any of those things. I've been scraping by though. Listening to peep has really been helping me a lot. I've been kind of forcing myself to be numb because I know that eventually I will be at least somewhat of the person I want to be but for now I need to just live life day by day and get by minute by minute. It's hard, but it's reality. Right now in your life you haven't really had much experience doing much of anything. I'm still a virgin, never had a real relationship, only smoked on carts and drank alcohol, never snuck out. I guess the only thing I've really done is give myself stick and poke tats. But how is it to be on your own? Where are you living and who are you living with? Is it like the plans that I have now for my future? Are you going to school? Are you pursuing a teaching career or did you find something else to do in life? What is it like to be able to legally drink and smoke? I can't believe that I'm really reading this at 21 years old, almost 22. I never thought you'd make it that far!! I'm so proud of you. I'm proud of me. I'm proud of us. Are you someone that I would look up to when you were 16? Have your morals, beliefs, and views changed? Are you still friends with my current best friends? To get an idea, the people that I'm closest too right now are David, Ethan, Angelina, Krystal, Ariana, Rayleen, and the other Raylene. What is it like to have ***? Is ***** really everything you thought it would be? Was your first time exactly how I've pictured it in my head 1000 times? I know that I'm asking a lot of questions but do you still think about Sunnie at all? Have you talked to her at all? If not, then I'm proud of you for finally getting over her. And if not, then you're still the simp that you were back in 2020 :). I'm gonna be real for a second. I know what kind of life I plan on living especially after i turn 18. I hope that you are able to read this. I hope that you're alive to read this. I know that I have extremely self destructive habits and that I want to live a self destructive lifestyle. But please make it to read this at least. If you do then know that 16 year old you is really proud of you. And if not, then 16 year old Layla doesn't know what's coming for her. And just to mention another milestone, I haven't cut myself since February 2019. 15 months. I know that won't last. But let's see how long we can go still. I don't know what else to say really. But know that this was the first letter i wrote. Even if you get a letter sooner than this one, this is the first one that i wrote. Have fun and be who you want to be please. Don't let any ******* tell you what you can and can't be please. Have fun and please be safe. - You, 16