A letter from May 24th, 2020

Dear Future Me, Hi it's Emma. You probably don't remember writing this since it's been 5 years but I'm just going to talk a little bit about what my life looks like right now and what I know so far. I don't really know where to start so I'll just mention some of the basics. I'm a junior (or technically senior now) in high school. It's the second day of summer, although it doesn't feel much different since I've been out of school because of Coronavirus since March 13th. I'm getting sick of talking about it all the time so I'll keep it brief in this letter, but basically Corona screwed up my entire life and I hate it more than anything in this world. At first I was excited to get an extra long spring break, but then track and soccer got cancelled, as well as school for the rest of the year so I did everything online including the AP Chem, APUSH and AP Lang tests. I just started hanging out with my friends again, so that's at least one good thing I have to look forward to. I don't know what I'd do without them. A couple of days ago I went to Lake Alvin and watched a movie with Nick, Phil, Lizzy, Molly, Sydni, Gavin and Grant. It was so fun it was probably the best I'd felt in 2 months. Also I don't want to sound cheesy but I really like Grant. He's amazing; definitely out of my league but he's so sweet and such a great guy he's the first person that's ever made me feel really listened to. Well, outside of my friends at CMW of course. I got to meet the most incredible group of people there (some MAGIC and some counselors) last summer when I worked, and it breaks my heard that I can't work there this year with COVID. I hope I get to spend a lot of time with Grant, and I don't know if it'll turn into anything really serious since we only have one year of high school yet but **** I can't stop thinking about that boy. Anyways, this summer I'm nannying James and Elyse, which is about the only thing I have planned other than hanging out with friends. I don't want to complain, but this is such a weird state of reality and I get confused all the time because sometimes I just start crying for no reason. I tell my parents and friends I'm fine, but I'm not sure I am. I don't know, there's just a lot of uncertainty right now. A lot of people are still asking me where I want to go to college, and I've only toured Luther so far and I don't really want to go there but I want to tour Gustavus, St. Olaf and possibly even Johns Hopkins or Vanderbilt. The future scares me. I mean, it's exciting and all that but there's so much I have to figure out. I thought that as you got older you knew more of what you wanted, but it feels like I know less about myself than I did when I was a freshman! I'm signed up for AP Psych next year and I'm really excited for that- I think I want to major in either Psychology or Pre-Law (or maybe even mix the two together) but if you've changed your major a million times or you're on a completely different route that's okay! I trust you and trust that God has big things ahead for you! Let's see.. 5 years from now you'll be graduating college oh my gosh! So what's next, grad school? Hopefully you got in! If you didn't, don't worry again God has a plan! Do you have a boyfriend? Is it Grant? If it's not that's okay too I know there's a chance things won't work out wit him and if that's the case then that's just the way things were meant to be. Is Nelson still alive? Oh I hope he is but thinking that far into the future makes me realize there's a chance he's not anymore and that makes me really sad, sorry hopefully that doesn't make you cry because he was such a sweet dog and one of your best friends. You know, writing this letter 4 years ago when I was in Mr. Rames' 7th grade English class was a lot easier. All I had to say was be true to yourself, don't get pregnant and blah blah blah. I guess I thought I'd feel wiser by now. But the truth is, I still don't know what the hell I'm doing. I feel like I'm just BS-ing by way through life and even though I know it's not true because I work really hard for what I achieve I still feel like I don't deserve it sometimes. And I do think I have a better idea of who I am than I did when I was 13, but I still question that all the time, especially when it comes to what I want to do when I'm older. But hopefully you have a better idea than I do right now haha! If I had to give you some specific advice I'd say stop stressing about things that won't matter in the future ( I doubt you remember the stuff I'm stressing about or I'm embarrassed about now) because it leads to so much unnecessary anxiety. Do things that make you (and only you!!!!!) happy. I decided this year I don't want to play soccer anymore and a part of me is sad about it, but I found that an even bigger part of me is relieved. I'll always love the game, but it's just not what makes me truly happy anymore. Lastly, love yourself. I know I know, this one is really cliche but it's also the most important and hardest for yourself (trust me I know). Stop comparing yourself to other people. Instead, think about the unique path of life that got you to where you are so far and how God has used that to shape you into your own self. Take time to think about what you do well, for example listening to others and looking at things from perspectives that people don't usually have. Remember that you can do this! You're determined and one of the strongest-willed people I know (I'm not trying to brag I just think it's true :)). Don't let your fears or anxiety or even yourself stand in the way of doing something good for yourself! Don't be afraid to take risks! Surround yourself with those who care about you (Grandma Jane, Grandma Barb, Grandpa Steve, all the aunts and uncles and Beth especially) and don't forget to tell them you love them often. I love you, I truly do and I believe that you'll go on to do great things. Remember that God doesn't give us any more than we can handle and his love for us is so vast you can see it just about anywhere-you just have to luck. Best of luck after college! You got this! :-)