A letter from May 24th, 2020

Dear FutureMe, I actually do not know how to start this, but here I go. Today is May 24, 2020. You woke up earlier than usual because mom is going to Berlin. The day feels off, or sad. You take a shower, eat breakfast, and played guitar. You were about to pack your guitar when grandma called. You picked the phone up and answered. She told you to play your guitar because she wanted to hear you play. You told her you didn't want to sing but she still told you to play. You played "Best Friends" by Orange Rex County while humming the lyrics. Oh, and not to mention that she offered singing when you said you didn't want to sing, but she did not know the song so she did not sing. After that, you showed her other things you can play in the guitar, like The River Flows and you and another piece that I forgot the title. Anyways, she asked you if you have fixed your bank account. You said that you haven't because the banks are not open yet due to Covid-19. You explained to her that you wanted to spend the money she sent you for a skateboard, she was fine with it. You also explained the minor, IDK, disappointment, fight? No. It wasn't really a fight. You just told grandma that mom got upset when you told your stepdad that she sent 30 thousand PHP to mom, 10 thousand for me, and 20 thousand for the rest of the family. Anyways, you kind of ranted at her about your mom and stepdad because you didn't get the skateboard you wanted because mom took so long to tell stepdad to buy the skateboard. You actually told him yourself, then you wanted to show him which skateboard and saw that it wasn't available anymore. You were upset that when you found out, so you just gave up on getting a skateboard. You went back to your room, feeling upset but you suck it up not wanting to ruin the day. But then mom goes into your room asking if you told stepdad about the money. You said yes because you didn't have an excuse, but you didn't know what wrong in telling him. Mom told you that money wasn't with her but in the bank account in the Philippines. She looked upset, hurt. It looked like mom wanted to cry. I think she did because when she went out of your room she stayed in her room. You drowned yourself with music that day while studying. You felt like **** but also confused at the same time. You used your earphone while listening to music because you wanted to all alone at that moment. IDK. You felt numb. I felt numb. You would probably read this and might think how foolish I am right now. Or you probably hate me right now for my actions, for my thoughts, and a lot more. I think it is pretty normal hating your past self, so I understand. Anyways, I or you felt like a wanted to die at that moment. That you or I wouldn't care if a life and ***** event happened. I remember being so tempted to scratch yourself with a cutter again. Which reminds me I have questions for you, but I will leave all question at the end. Going forth on that day, the plan of isolating myself with music to feel like I or you was all alone worked because I or you didn't hear mom coming in and calling you for breakfast. She tapped your shoulder and you or I got shocked. During breakfast, she was back to herself but you felt so awkward, so guilty. Like something wasn't right, well something wasn't actually right but anyways. She talked to you about the skateboard and helped you find another one, but instead, you ended up agreeing on a penny board. You weren't very happy with that because you really wanted a skateboard, but you didn't complain, you didn't want any more conflict. You also told yourself that you would never bring up the skateboard or penny board because you were too scared of another conflict. At this time I'm writing this I still am. Anyways, back to the current time, which was like 5 or 6 days after that happening. You told all of that to grandma. She was about to cry, and she did. She told you or me to stay strong. That she was very proud that you or I was mature for our age. She told us that I should've stayed in the Philippines than moving to Germany. To be honest, I agree to that, I'm not sure if you still will in the future, but right now it's just hard. I never cried at night until I got the news that I was moving. I never really thought of actually ******* myself till I got here in Germany. I never searched where I could buy pills that can **** me instantly until I moved. I never pulled my hair whenever I get annoyed at someone, I never hit or slap myself or scratch myself when I get annoyed at myself till I moved. I don't fully blame the move. It's also because mom and stepdad aren't getting along. They already had a fight before the wedding, so how could did I not suspect that the will have more fights when they are married. Whenever they fight, you or I somehow get into it because they sometimes use you as proof, a way to defend themselves or a shoulder to lean on. After every fight, you always feel exhausted, you always cry and feel like dying. You write a word that describes what you feel in a paper, fold it, then put it in a container with other papers you have written on. At the end of the day, you or I will try to forget it, you or I will keep it all to ourselves, even though we want to talk to someone about it, to talk to a friend about how your feeling, about your problem. But you won't. Because you or I don't have a friend you can actually tell your feelings or problems to, or you or I do have a very close friend but you or I don't want to trouble them or you or I think they wouldn't listen, wouldn't care. You or I will always get too scared to open up about your or my feelings straight up to a person. That's why we make late-night letters remember? Whenever you or I feel like telling someone something but you're too scared to tell them, you or I tell it to a sheet of paper. You or I write our feelings to a sheet of paper, and after writing our feeling we will fold it up and keep it away like always. Continuing telling you what I did today, after the call I cried. I tried sucking up my tears during the call with grandma but some tears still spilled out. You or I let our tears fall out after you hung up. It was hard. It is hard for me right now, I just hope by the time you are reading this you are happy. That all the sadness, problems, the crying was or worth something. I actually hope you are able to read this if not I hope it's because I've changed emails, not something else. Ok, moving on, the call kind of left you or me in a gloomy state the rest of the day. I didn't felt like talking to Aaron while playing Minecraft. I didn't felt like doing anything after the call. But I still played with Aaron because he always makes me laugh whenever we play. But today was different. We didn't talk too much. There weren't as many laughs and jokes as usual. The call was shorter, quieter. After we played, I or you just laid at bed scrolling on TikTok and other social media accounts. You or my stepdad calls us for dinner. He was the one who cooked today because mom is not home. Your or my plate was filled with fish, mashed potatoes, and carrots and peas. It looked good. You or I sat down at the table and took a bite of the mashed potatoes. It was bland, and so was the fish. The green peas and carrots were watery and the sauce was just sour. Turns out stepdad couldn't find the salt so he just used the salt shaker but he wasn't able to measure how much salt he used. Obviously it was too little salt. You or I added some fish seasoning, a lot of seasoning. After dinner, you or I went upstairs to our room and lay down. Then I suddenly had an urge to do this. To write to my future self. In the middle of writing this mom called and asked how was I. She told me to sleep soon because it was almost nine. Obviously I didn't listen because by the time I am writing this it is already 9:50 pm. Well that was the rest of my day. It wasn't really interesting. It was just gloomy. I told you that I will leave the questions until the end of the letter. I also hope I can also put some pictures here because I wanna send you some pictures I have. I will send this letter to July 26, 2025. That will be your 18th birthday. So at the time, you will be reading this you are already an adult! So now with the questions: -How are you? I know it's a cliche question to ask your future self that but I just want to know that if you are happy. -Are mom and stepdad still together or are they already divorced? It's a bad question, I know. They are planning on getting a divorce as soon as mom and I get our German citizenship, so I won't be surprised if they already divorced in 5 years. But a lot can happen in 5 years. I might have a future stepdad. If not it's fine, I hope mom is happy. -Are you still friends with your best friends in the Philippines? I will be sad if not but I understand. It's normal for friends to come and go. I just hope by the time you are reading this you have found friends who will go will you for the rest of your life. -Are you even still in Germany? I will understand if you are now living in the Philippines. If so, why? But if you are still in Germany, have you gotten into any good Universities? I know by the time I turn 18 I will be finished with high school. -Are you already fluent in German? and have you added more languages that you can speak? Right now I'm not sure if I can say I'm fluent with the languages I speak. My English is getting worse, my Tagalog vocabulary is fading and ****, German grammar is hard. I would be happy if you can full-on fluent conversation in German. And how's Spanish? I know we have Spanish classes in 8th grade. -Have you dated anyone already? or gotten any boyfriend? If so did you tell mom? If you say yes, how did she react? This is probably a very cringy question to ask my future self but I just want to know. I really want to start a family when I get older so obviously I would think of finding someone who wants to have a family too and have it with me. But if you haven't find somebody yet, then don't worry! The one is just there. It will probably take time to meet him or finally realize who it is but don't worry he's there. If not we can always start a family by adopting a child. Lots of kids who don't have parents that wants to have parents are waiting for someone to adopt them. Who knows? Maybe you will adopt in the future? -Are you happy at what your life has lead to? I want you to really think about this question. If yes, then I will give all I have. If no, then I will still give all I have because I wouldn't know, but that will suck. Don't worry! I'm sure in the farther future you will find your happiness. -Have you tried ******* yourself? I wasn't sure if I wanted to put this in the letter but I guess I should. I have my reasons why, but somehow I can't explain it by text. If yes, and you're still alive, then there is a reason why you have failed of taking your own life. You may find this cheesy or corny when you read this, but trust me there is more to discover. I want a family or children, gosh **** it! It's one of our dreams! Don't give up it! Be strong, you will get true it! If yes, and you have succeeded, I'm sorry. I'm sorry that I couldn't continue the fight. That I was foolish enough to take my own life, that I myself will cut my life short. I won't lie and say I'm not disappointed in you for doing that, but I hope you're happy now. I hope you can finally rest in peace if it really was too much to handle. I actually hope that I can find a friend that will save me, that will listen to me. That will actually help a lot. Anyways, if you haven't, I'm so proud of you! Keep up the good job! I hope I feel happier in the future than now, so If you are, Thank you! For continuing my life, our life. There is more stuff ahead, and if we can survive this I'm sure we can survive what the future has installed for us. That's all I wanted to ask. I guess I won't be adding pictures, but anyways. Remember me again in 5 years! Yours truly, you past self, Lewis A V. DLC.