A letter from May 23rd, 2020

Dear FutureMe, I don't know what to say or where to start really. I hope that by now you've come into your own. I hope you hold yourself with more confidence both in your body and in your mind. I try to tell myself that I'm not stupid and I'm not annoying and I'm not just being ridiculous but it's hard. I feel like a failure right now. I feel like all of my decisions are being made because I have to make them not because I want to make them. I hope that you're finished uni now and completed the research assistant training and maybe even have the house or land that you dreamed of. I signed us up for a bachelor in communications majoring in Expressive arts and minoring in Digital marketing. I hope it's not a mistake. I'm also doing the little black boxes performance with Carlene and Jay. I do wonder how it's going to turn out. It sounds like it could be fun. I don't really know how I'm going to mentor the 10 children but I hope I don't let everyone down. Everything else aside, the coronavirus seems to be slowly disappearing from NZ. I am worried about the second wave but I hope it doesn't happen the way it's predicted. It's all just very surreal. Very unusual. Very scary. I'm glad that I left America to come home for it though. That was a very good decision. What are you doing now? Do you have a relationship? That's something I want to know. I feel like I'm missing something, like there's a void someone else needs to fill. I have been ignoring it because I am scared of getting into a relationship. I want to find someone I genuinely love. I never have and I'm worried I never will. As a connected note, have you had a baby? I really, really want one. If you do, what are they like? Do you know who the father is? I want my child knowing their dad as I did. I never had to wonder. I'll always be thankful for that. On a side note, have you had your mental health checked out? I know that it's unlikely we've got anything out of the ordinary but the time I out into worrying out it can be draining. If you haven't and it's still an issue, please do. I need an answer but can't get one. Please do it for me. Oh! Do you have the house you wanted? Did you purchase any of the land plots or houses we were checking out? I genuinely hope so. It could be so useful and you know you'll only regret it if you don't. One last thing. Please, please don't forget that you're only young. You don't need to be at the same level as your older friends. They've got 10 years on you. Stop comparing yourself to them. I know it's hard, really, I do, but it's doing more bad than good. Anyway, I love you and I genuinely hope you're more happy now and in a better place than I am right now. I hope things have changed for the better and it stays that way. Lots of love, Past you xxx