A letter from May 22nd, 2020

Dear FutureMe, Where can I begin to even discuss the epitome of what I am feeling about being a senior in high school in the class of 2020. My parents were the ones who wanted me to attend prom and grad night for the experience but walking the aisle at graduation on June 11, 2020 was what I was looking forward to. The time where I can walk and actually be proud of myself for how long I have come could not come. I’m not going to lie, at first, I acted like I did not care but truly I was hurt. Senior year was so hard on me emotionally and mentally and I just wanted to walk for my family. I planned so much with my friends but now I can’t even see them. Communication over the phone is not the same as in person. I wanted to tell my friends how proud I was of them and to thank them so much for everything they’ve done for me. I wanted to do so much but I could not and it hurt but I had to just accept it. Covid-19 may have caused some commotion in my life but there were some things that I was thankful for. It definitely strengthened my faith in God. I do devotions every night with my family and I can definitely say that my faith is stronger than it’s ever been and I could not be more thankful for that. My faith is definitely what got me through the hard times in my life and I plan on strengthening my faith! I’m going to be real with you. I did not love myself for a long time and I’m not gonna lie, I still don’t but I learned more about love than I ever have. My relationship with my family has always been shaky and I am still working on it. My anger issues are under work and I hope that with the help of my faith and God’s grace, we can actually be fully mended. Being quarantined has sort of pushed me to spend more time with my family and we are really all getting to know each other better. There are still times where I just want to lock myself in my room but I want to mend our relationship so I try my hardest to do what I can. What surprised me during this pandemic, positively, was the amount of support so many people had for the class of 2020. Today was the day of Lakewood’s parade and the amount of love and support made me realize how much I take for granted. I was so extremely blessed to see people that did not even go to Lakewood or just lived by Lakewood come out and support us. The love was so unreal! Something that surprised me, negatively, was still the amount of hate that crept in at such a vulnerable time. At a time where we should be comforting each other and loving others more became a time to fight even harder against violence. This just reminded me that there is always a fight no matter what! It hurts my heart more than ever every time I see another young black man get shot but again, it just reminds me that there is still a fight to fight. If this pandemic continues to grow longer in time, I probably won’t feel the need to go to school honestly. I need the intimacy a classroom provides where I can actually ask questions then and there and get peer help. I would probably go to LBCC and get a job at John Deere company which is pretty good and is close to my home. I kind of never planned for me to not go to college. My plans A and B only consisted of me going to a four year college. I could then step up and help my parents financially. The amount of homework just piled on to the stress! It was not easy but I realized through this experience to never take advantage! Being present in class is so important to me! I hope and pray that college is going to go smoothly. At least start smoothly because anything can happen. In five years, I hope to be done with college. I want to have already graduated college with a bachelor’s degree in science so I can move forward to medical school back in California. I hope to take at least one year off to work and save up for medical school because medical school prices are no joke! I hope to come back home and live with my parents until I can find stableness within medical school to get my own apartment. I want to be a little slimmer lol! I want to travel more and take some time for myself honestly because everything I do is for other people and I have never done anything for myself so I want to just take a trip to Hawaii or Sweden just for at least three days. I hope that I never give up on myself and I continue to remind myself to finish through and commit! If I ever give up on myself, I would not know what to think or do of myself. Please tell me you did not give up on yourself! You got this Rachael! You have gone through so much that you deserve this! Be you no matter what and give in or give up! Do you sis! Sincerely, The baddest *****, Rachael Mitai:)