A letter from May 22nd, 2020

Dear Miah, Last time I wrote you a letter was when I was in rehab. Five years, huh? Are we still in contact? I hope we are :). You're almost 20, are you excited? I'm not sure what to say in this letter but I'm sure I'll end up typing something. First off, thank you. You stuck with me even after we had that stupid fight. You stuck with me after all the stupid things I said to you. You were such a huge part of my life. I hope you are happy and doing okay. I feel like I'm saying things as if we aren't going to be friends when you get this. That's not my intention though, I Just don't have a clue towards what will happen between us. You deserve someone who's going to be by your side through thick and thin, whether that be someone you're intimate with or a friend that you can just talk to. I look forward to becoming more connected and a part of your life. If I could say one thing to you, I would tell you to stay strong. No matter what life throws your way, you have to stand your ground and keep believing in what you think is right. No matter what, please learn to love yourself if you haven't already. Keep smiling and laughing and enjoying life's simple moments. The reason why I say that is because you don't know what could happen tomorrow or the next day. Run when you're told to walk, don't stay quiet when you have something on your mind. Do things your way, even if someone else doesn't like it. You're gorgeous even when you're sad. Reach out for help when you need it. Experiment different things in life, find out what you love and hate. Use every ounce of life that you have in you. Don't waste your energy on relationships that you know won't last, even if things are still going well. Expect the most out of people. Say I love you even when you're scared out of your mind, you might not get another chance. You're a special girl and if someone can't see that then don't even give them a chance. I know life for you hasn't always been easy and it probably won't be in your future, but I hope when you get this letter that it brightens your day. If we aren't in touch then call me or send a text, I'd be happy to hear from you. On the other hand, if we are still friends (hopefully) then keep in mind that everything that is being said in this letter will still be true. I hope you find the strength to live your life to the fullest. It's easy to get caught up in the everyday life problems. When you step out of your comfort zone is where your life actually begins. Reach out to me if you are ever in trouble, can't go home, or if something unimaginable happened and you just have to tell someone. I will never judge you for a choice you had to make or where you end up after it all. You saved my life and sometimes I forget that. You may be wondering how you saved me. So here you go. In the beginning of our friendship I was mentally okay. I was taking care of myself mostly, but then suddenly my manic depression got to me. It was the first month of summer 2019. I layed in bed for weeks. I didn't shower, I stopped catching up with my so called friends, I couldn't even find the energy to get out of bed and eat. Night after night I felt so empty. I didn't think that it would end, so in my mind I thought that I would be better off not alive, which isn't something I think of lightly. But then you started texting me, keeping up with how I was doing. I slowly started getting out of bed a little more each day. Getting dressed, taking showers, eating and getting out of the house. After that period of my depression ended I got attached to you. When you left school early or I had to go home, I would get anxiety attacks. I wouldn't be able to breathe, I couldn't stop crying. It's funny how you never found out how clinged I was to you. Maybe you did know but never said anything to me. Either way, it's out now and I hope you don't see me as weak. Well, I'm sorry that this letter probably wasn't what you had in mind when I told you that I was writing one. It might have been better if I was in a more positive mental state of mind when typing this up. Again, thank you for being my best friend. Thank you for not giving up on me. And thank you for not judging me for who I am and what I've been through. Sincerely, Raylei Hammond