A letter from May 22nd, 2020

Dear FutureMe, 6:54 am mr. kraaaaabsss! I have an ideeeaaaaa! so here's the ****. i'm an impulsive hoe, right? so I figured instead of either acting on the impulse, or just sitting on it and feeling gross, i'd write out my thoughts and stuff? but like not venting, like a productive writing. so here's what happened. I was watching sorority big/little reveal videos (as I do), and someone was talking about texting their little from a burner number on an app. and my wrinkly brain was like i n c h r e s t i n g. so my brain, as it is was like WAIT. what if I get on this burner thing and I text my ex some dumb **** like "gang". but the apps seemed sketchy so I decided not to but **** that feeling was strong. so impulses still there, I now want to go look at the texts from last year. and the texts from this year. but I came here instead. I don't know what the hell you're doing, probably like just waking up or some **** if it delivers at the same time. or like in class, or just chilling in your dorm if you're at school. but anyway. you get to listen to me be annoying and work through my impulses. so. why shouldn't we text out ex through a burner number? well. firstly. that would insinuate that I went through all these months of thinking and working on getting over it for nothing. like the equivalent of going to a city party in december. terrible idea. then, if he responded, I would feel the crippling urge to keep texting. that's not it/healthy queen. that would benefit me in literally no ways, just another addition of anxiety. so let's not disrupt the progress i've made. why shouldn't I go back and look at either texts? well. in one way it could be a reminder of why things are better this way (not in contact), but it would also make me miss things. things that I know are not good for me mentally and that if I went back to in theory, I would be disrespecting myself because I removed myself from the situation for a very good reason. it's not worth it. missing things is understandable, but you gotta put it in perspective. things that happened that hurt me and should be strong reminders and stuff for when I feel bad: - disrespect (you don't need someone who won't give you even 5 minutes of their time when you're in distress) - disrespect (you don't need someone who is going to call you dumb or an idiot) - disrespect (you don't need someone who's going to just give you the worst mixed signals) - disrespect (you don't need someone who's going to blame literally everything on you and take absolutely no fault) -someone who loves you truly will not hide you from their friends in order to keep up their image -someone who loves you will not lie to you about BEING MARRIED. -someone who loves you will not indirectly but very obviously tell you that you are bad for business (sorry you can't get your **** **** up from being so addicted to porn?) -someone who loves you will make sacrifices for you -someone who loves you will not make you feel like you are not enough -someone who loves you won't use you as an ego trip -someone who loves you will just trust you when you say you love them -someone who loved you won't completely abandon the idea of something and lose all trust in you after you mess up ONCE. someone who loves you just won't do this **** okay? when talking to the right person you won't feel the need to say "I feel like I can't be myself around you". you won't be over analyzing every word you write out and fear that it will be interpreted in the wrong way and get you blocked. the right person won't constantly threaten to BLOCK YOU. yes, you had your good times. you had your AMAZING times. you had your fairy-tale adventures. you had your 'dream' as you called it all that time ago. yeah you felt like you had a best friend. you're allowed to miss ****. but QUEEN. with the way that **** ended? did they even respect you in the first place? someone who was doing **** behind your back and when you say "hey I didn't know you were doing that much I thought it was just these things" they say "well I did tell you" and it was the vaguest ****? someone who's going to lie to you about threatening to **** THEMSELVES? when you know **** well that **** didn't happen? when you are on the verge of FAINTING. and they won't even bother to get up and make sure you're 100% okay before heading out. and won't have the common courtesy to text you and make sure you got home ALIVE? you don't need to miss that, girl. remember when you were in the uber on the way to the club the last time and he was arguing with ashley? don't remember what they were saying for **** but it triggered you. and it reminded you of the arguments you used to have. and i'm pretty certain that you cried a bit. you don't need to miss that. yes how it started. but how it ended. remember how it ended. I think? I thought about this when I was on my way to work? or the way home? I don't know I just remember being on the bus. (or maybe I wasn't at all my brain's just telling me bus) and I thought about some **** regarding how the person treats people in general. if you're not going to respect me as a person first, before I have anything to provide for you, I don't need to be in a relationship or interaction with you. I don't care how well you treat me. if you're not going to respect me as a common person first, i'm good. if this is how you're going to treat people who stopped bowing down to your every command, i'm good. you're going to argue with me every day but expect me to tell you about my hair and tattoo. I could sit here and analyze some dumb **** "was he still this. was he that." but that would be disrupting the peace that i'm trying to create and have created so far. point is. you don't need to miss that. remember what you said all those months ago back in december. I would rather be by myself and wait for the right people to come along than be in an environment where I feel uncomfortable, talked about, generally disliked, like i'm not enough, etc. you don't need to miss that. but if you're reading this you probably already worked that out. anyway sending you all my love from 20yo me which is weird because I would never say that to present me but you know. if you have any friends say hi to them for me and tell them I love them even though I have no idea who they are yet. -7:39 am