A letter from May 22nd, 2020

Dear FutureMe, Hi, I guess I don't know how to write this letter. The last time I did this was freshman year and I don't know I didn't want to be cringe. I still don't. I guess it's just hard to imagine the future. It's hard to imagine I'll be alive honestly. I think that's just my depression hitting its peak. Have you gotten diagnosed yet? Have you been told you're fine? I really want to know. I know what I'm feeling isn't normal, but you know who cares am I right? It's been hard because Corona is in full swing. They've lifted restrictions but I'm still depressed. I finished high school today. I don't get graduation or prom or even a real college orientation. it's really upsetting actually. I didn't think it would be as upsetting but I just want to see everyone again. I want to be able to take graduation pictures and go out to eat after. It makes me so upset that I don't get any of these experiences. They don't matter but I thought i was going to **** myself in 10th grade and I didn't. I made it out of something i didn't think i would. Instead of taking a fun class to finish off highschool, I finished it in my sister's room after uploading an assignment. I just feel robbed and it doesn't help that i can't seem to relate to anyone and i want so badly to be friends with these people but i never will be. I just want to know what makes me unloveable. Have you been able to talk about your suicidal thoughts yet? You've never told anyone about them before and I know you probably won't because of how scary it is. Have you found friends who appreciate you? Maybe we kept some of them from high school but it feels unlikely. All I've ever wanted to be a friend group that hangout and that. I feel included in it. I've never had that. How was getting that degree? Did you get a philosophy degree as we've planned? What are you going on to do? Is it still the law? Are you still trying to put human traffickers away? Raven and I were talking about human trafficking, and I asked if we were complacent with it. How often do we see missing posters and not stop to look? When I see them all I can think about is how they will never come back. I want to make a difference. Are you moving to NYC? I know we were thinking about it. I hope we did because I want that life. I really just hope that you've found meaning in life because every time that I wake up it gets harder and harder because I'm running on empty but can't stop. I just want us to be happy for once. I want to be able to come out to mom and dad without fearing judgement and I want to be able to go to therapy without mom freaking out. I want to be able to say that I want to die without them freaking out. Vale! Cheyenne