A letter from May 21st, 2020

Dear FutureMe, This isn’t the first time I’ve written a letter to myself, but it is the first time that I’ve felt a true purpose in doing so. In the past, I’ve begun by asking how you are, as that is how, traditionally, a letter must start. However, my perspective has changed in writing this letter and I believe it will serve a much better purpose. Today is the 21st of May 2020. I have only a few weeks left of my senior year, and the mandatory stay at home order is dominating every move I make. However, after 63 days of not seeing anyone, I began this week seeing Sydney, who I couldn’t be more grateful I became so close with at the beginning of the quarantine, Carly, who I waited with in a three hour long drive through line for two free dozens of donuts, and Dylan, a new friend who began as more than that but realized he wasn’t capable of doing so. I’ve spent the week going to the beach, reading Black Coffee by Agatha Christie, and doing my best to be mindful of the world around me and inside of me. Yesterday, I got pulled over for my first time but was let off with just a warning, and I couldn’t be more proud of how I handled the situation, as I did all I could to keep hold of the reins on my anxiety. Syd talked me down, too. I’m lucky to have her. I’m so proud of the person that I have become. High school was a tumultuous period of time for me, but I’ve stepped out of the smoke with **** blazing. I’m ready for the next chapter of my life, and I have hope. I didn’t have hope for years, but I now believe that I am the most myself I have ever been. I am capable of handling things that drove me past my breaking point. I broke. Yet, with what seems like endless work on myself, I collected each piece and fit it back together into something more beautiful than I ever could have imagined. I’m going to begin my first year as a Husky at the University of Washington next year, something that I now know I am incredibly blessed to be able to experience. Much of high school is spent preparing for college, something I had very little interest in as I was so sure that I was never going to make it to age 18. Each birthday has surprised me, and now, not only am I not surprised, but I am excited for my future. I have learned the importance of feeling my emotions, something that until this point was the hardest thing in the world for me. Now, I allow myself to feel each emotion that seeks me out and I learn to understand that emotion, process its cause, and accept it. Eventually it leaves, but as it escapes what remains is a stronger version of myself. One of the prompts is to discuss whether or not I’m happy. I would disagree with this question, as the answer is never black and white. I am not unhappy, and I’m not happy. Right now, I’m ok. Things make me happy and things make me unhappy, but I’m no longer stuck in the stagnant place of unhappy. I want to go backpacking, to see nature’s beauty at every change I get. I want to feel free and to throw myself into life. To do things without focusing on the consequences, to love fiercely and wallow in heartbreak until I’m ready to throw myself back into love. I want to love friends, new and old, family, boys, this Earth that I am permitted to walk on. I want to learn, to study, to expand my worldview and broaden my perspectives- on everything. I am no longer religious, but I believe more in spirituality. In the universe, that some things are meant to be, but not all of them. I believe in purposeful coincidence and in vibes. I want to continue growing. If I do so in the same fashion that I have been, by the time I receive this letter I will be so close to the peak version of myself. Needless to say, I’m excited. Good luck. Even when no one else believes in you, I do. Prove them all wrong, and show your wings. Love, Me