A letter from May 21st, 2020

Dear Future Me, I hope you’re okay. This is truly and incredibly strange. I don’t actually know who you are yet; I don’t know what experiences have shaped and moulded you. I don’t know where you’re at or who you’re with. I really, truly don’t. Part of me however, wishes I did. I’m coming to you from age 17, 2 months short of being 18, during a global pandemic. I hope that when you see this, it’s all managed and that there’s hope - after so many tragic (and let’s face it, preventable) deaths. I hope you can reflect on this time and see some good - the time with your parents, Charlie and Paul. The times you saw Grandma and talked with Grandma Margery on the phone. The time you spent with little Jess. The days you spent messaging the likes of Neve, Alice, Holly and your college friends. Speaking of Grandma Margery, I don’t know if she’ll be alive by the time this sends, I hope she is. I also hope that you have cherished the time you’ve spent with her, she’s amazing. Truly. I know that right now, in 2020, I’m struggling with my mental health and even though, I don’t believe in a god, I hope and pray that you’re better, or at least managing far better. This current state of being is not sustainable; nor is it pleasant. It’s a state of being; emptiness, darkness and complete exhaustion - you get used to it before it gets better and suddenly you realise life could be so much better. I hope you found that. I also, genuinely, want you to have found yourself on the right path- I hope you got through college and found yourself at uni, studying primary education. Or, maybe your heightened interest in politics took you down a different route. Please tell me the blonde buffoon is out of office. I’m begging. Tell me Labour prevailed as our last signal of hope. Even though you actually align better with the Green Party. I do hope you get to live a life without the Tories... I’m begging at this point. Not just for you, but for the millions of people that have and always will suffer because of those insufferable *****. I also hope you stayed true to your beliefs because right now you’re incredibly passionate and you know you believe in the right things despite what your brother may tell you. Moving on. So, tell me, do you still see some of the friends you had in 2020? I really want that to be true. Do you still feel as isolated? I know that you saw Neve get boyfriends, saw everyone around you have these experiences, while you didn’t because of your mental health and general state of life. I hope you finally got that boyfriend that you wanted and I’m really, really praying to god you found a boyfriend that respected you, loves you and accepts you, although you may not have found that in this town, I hope you did find it. Because right now as the lonely, 17 year-old-virgin (I hate that term, It’s a concept, a social structure built on judging women for their ****** experiences but for the sake of this letter...) that’s all I want for you. I don’t know if you’ll have kids by now or not. That’s a variable that could’ve happened- I don’t know. 23 sounds young, but things happen. Although, I trust that if something happened before 19, you would’ve dealt with it. I know you weren’t ready then. Also, at 17 you haven’t had your period for nearly a year and you don’t have the guts to call a doctor- I hope you did call that doctor because right now I believe it’s either PCOS or cancer. I hope mum and dad are okay, they’re two of the most important and loved people to you and that’s okay. While they won’t have even hit 50 yet, I hope they’re great. I hope dad’s calf healed up. I hope mum’s job got less hectic. I just hope they’re still with you because while writing this I’m getting teary eyed at the thought of them not being there. I just hope you’re you. Her. The girl you were. I don’t know if you’ll have suffered trauma, or hurt. I really hope not, but life isn’t always so kind. But despite that trauma, I hope you’re you. Kind, compassionate, accepting and most of all, warm and smiley. Dad would like that. Mum would like that. If you haven’t suffered trauma, I still hope you’re all those things. Also, while I remember, I’d like to tell you about the songs I listened to whilst drawing up this letter; so here we go. - Someone To You - BANNERS - Still Know You - Jacob Lee - Little Bird - Ed Sheeran - Enough for Now - The Fray - we fell in love in october- girl in red - Small Bump - Ed Sheeran - Look After You - The Fray - All Of The Stars - Ed Sheeran I’ll have to come back to this list when I’m done with the letter. There’s a lot of Ed Sheeran, courtesy of the “sad girl bummer” playlist, I don’t usually listen to him that much. The time I’m typing this in this unfathomable event, the Covid-19 Pandemic of 2020, right now the UK ***** toll lies at above 36,000, many of which could’ve been prevented had this useless government made the right measures and put the correct protections in. You’ve heard of Brexit Shambles, I hope this, in the future is know as a complete shambles too. I hope we didn’t get a second wave, after the Tories released the working class to work, but only you right now know if that happened or not. I hope not, but I’ll see soon enough. I hope you remember that despite it all, everything, that you are loved and valued by people. I know you’ve dealt with feelings that are less than pleasant about your body and face. I really do. I hope you realised beauty isn’t measured in weight. I hope you’re okay. I hope I did you proud. I hope we’re the girl we always wanted to be. I hope future us, like 50 year old us, yeah her, I hope she has it all figured out. See you in five years, my love. May 21st 2020 - Five Years Ago.