A letter from May 19th, 2020

hi, it's you from 2020, you'll be 22 when you read this. that's crazy. i imagine myself walking down a street and getting this notification and then getting really excited and then sitting in a cute cafe and drinking a hot chocolate while i read the rest of this. but knowing me im probably in bed or on the toilet. whatever i am writing this with the hope that i look cute and am in a cafe, okay? actually dont read anymore until you do your makeup and go to a cafe. okay now we are in a cafe and in my mind living out a movie scene, lets get into your 16 (almost 17) year old brain. (you're in yr11 btw) at this moment (10:31pm on a tuesday) i am in my dirty bed cause i was too lazy to wash my sheets today and there is crumbs everywhere, with my one direction posters on my wardrobe staring at me since i havent taken them done from that tiktok i put them up for, with my empty shelf that i still cant figure out what to put on it. i dont know why but this shelf is a big deal to you 5 years ago, you want it to be perfect and its stressing you/me out! it better be perfect by now, surely. you are doing school at home because of the corona virus and haven't left the house pretty much for almost 2 months cause of quarentine. idk why but it doesn't bother you as much as it does everyone else. being alone isn't that lonely for you. how did all of the corona virus turn out? i honestly think it has been blown a little out of proportion but oh well. and oh my god have you been horny as **** this whole time though like jesus christ you better have a boyfriend or at least had one by now like seriously bella its getting ridiculous you are 16 very soon to be 17 and have not had a boyfriend yet. you are a virgin! well hopefully not when you read this again but god **** you better be getting the best **** now to make up for it! and if you dont have a boyfriend, your welcome for making you look cute and coming to a cafe cause some guy is probably gonna see you smiling and reading this and be like "i am inlove". your welcome. wtf am i writing i dont know what to say, but at the same time i have too much to say and dont know how to put it all down in this email. mum just walked in to say goodnight and thanked me for helping her choosing the new kitchen bench marble or some ****. i wonder how it all turned out. do you like the new kitchen? is it that much of a pain like i think it will be to walk around the new wall to go to the toilet? i bet it ******* is. anyway, how is your mental health? do your friends still check up on you? are you still best friends with your ride or dies from now? (katie k, molly w, codie c, maddy t, esther p, mitch d, jake w, maybe even brodie from stawell?) katie is the one person in the world that knows you infinitely better than you know yourself, we have been through so much i hope when you read this you send her a photo or some **** cause you are still best friends. of course molly and codie and esther and maddy and stuff are my other best friends and i am really really close with them as well and i love them all equally but you and katies relationship is so close sometimes its scary. we know eachother better than we know ourselves and i would do anything for her. take this moment to remember the 2019 central australia trip and when everyone sat in that cirlce in the middle of nowhere under the stars and the teachers read out the account from someone from a class from the 90s when their bus crashed on the same trip and the girl died, and how you and katie cried holding eachother and told eachother you would die for eachother and how close you felt that night. that is a feeling you will probably never feel again so treasure that memory always. text all of your friends right now that you love them and appreciate them for putting up with your ****. did you end up getting the 420 tattoo (cdxx) on schoolies with mads and codies? i really ******* hope you did, you are a legend if you did. was schoolies legendary? did you end up trying mdma? was it good? do you still smoke weed? i hope that the me reading this has learnt to not be so closed off sometimes and appreciates their friends more. friendship is everything to you in 2020, i wonder if my priorities have changed. i also wonder if you still have this weird tendancy to like being sad and not whole heartdly wanting to get better whenever you feel depressed. hopefully being out of school helps with all that as well as the councelling with tina. do you know who you are? even a little bit? me now is doing everything to let go of the even younger me in hopes to figure out who i really am. like yesterday i put away all of my trophies and things i really didnt feel like were important to me anymore even though they used to be my life, i wonder how many times i have done that since this. anyways i bet i am cool as **** and can finally style a sick as outfit. i dont know why or what triggered it but i am just questioning everything, about my personality, body and thoughts. i just want to know who i really am but i dont know who that is or how to find it out. i hope i figured it out. or maybe i dont? maybe trying all these new things is going to continuously change my personality, maybe its forever evolving, isnt that what i should want? maybe it is, okay i change my mind i hope i never fully figure it out. are you happy with your body yet? the you in 2020 is struggling, really really struggling. everyone keeps on telling me and posting on social media that every type of body is beautiful and they are all trying to normalise stretch marks and celluite and ****, but it's not enough. i am so unhappy in my own skin and i hope that is different when you are reading this. i just dont like what i see when i look in the mirror most of the time. im still holding out hope that at some point i can learn to love myself, even if right now it seems impossible. on a sad note, are nonna and nonno and taua alive? i really hope for the sake of both of us that you gave them enough hugs and if they are alive you treasure every single one and tell them how much you love them. if they are still here call them and tell them you love them. are they proud of you? am i proud of me? i really hope you are staying in constant contact with mum and dad too cause i love and appreciate them so much i just want to tell them more, hopefully you do. text them right now that you love them. this really is a big love fest, but i've recently been having never ending thoughts about ***** and the meaning of life and all of the meaningless jazz so the only conclusion i have decided on is that we can literally not control anything besides ourselves and how we treat others. so don't forget to tell people you love them bella cause i dont want us to die and regret not saying it enough. i would rather die regretting telling someone who didn't love me that i love them then not telling someone i love that i love them just one more time. are we still interested in forensic psychology and cinematography? that **** is your life and you havent thought about studying anything else for about 3 years by now. do you still do art or play football or basketball? how crazy if i was like a stripper or something the opposite of what i want to be at the moment. lmao are you even in university? you better have your own place or be sharing with someone i dont give a **** but i will be pissed if you haven't moved out yet! like come on you've always wanted to, JUST DO IT! and if you have then yay go me! have you been to New York yet!? past you wants to try and live there for a little bit, its calling out to me and i just want to follow it! i hope i did or am at least still plannig to. how many things from your bucketlist have you done? my favourite is to have *** in a car while is rains, so im hoping i've done that or at least dyed my hair. this is a little list of things you love right now in 2020: - harry styles!!!!! (literally today at 2am he released his music video for watermelon sugar and of couse i stayed up to watch it premier! do you still love him as much as you did 5 years ago? he is literally the love of my life. he better have like 4 new albums. MORE HARRY STYLES!) - music; radiohead, wallows, harry styles, 2pac, omar apollo, billie eilish, one direction, tyler the creator, oasis - records and cds - earrings - you work at kfc (atm for almost 2 years) - the colour forest green - movies, the attention to detail and cinematography - fav movies + series; lady bird, baby driver, la la land, land of the lost, coraline, 10 things i hate about you, flipped, the haunting of hill house, euphoria, greys anatomy - alcohol, weed lmao - tiktok lastly, this is a reminder to love yourself and follow your dreams (as corny as that ******* sounds), and do it for yourself! 2020 you has so much faith that i can do amazing things, so go do them! ask your friends one more extra time if they are okay and tell people how you feel. "he who isn't busy being born is, is busy dying." LIVE YOUR LIFE FOR THE BOTH OF US AND SPREAD LOVE i love you ***** <3 now go write another letter to a future you.