A letter from May 18th, 2020

Dear Future Me, Hey girl. I'm writing this because I am going through a lot right now and really need somebody to talk to. Things are pretty...rough to say the least. It's been over two months since dad had his stroke and he is still yet to come home, although we've gotten to visit him a few times. The prospect of mom and all of us having to take care of him is scary because I don't really know what to expect, and we have no idea how much better he's going to get from where he's at right now. We've had people swarming around the house trying to get it ready for him, and I've never seen mom more stressed in my life. Everyday I'm just grateful he's alive, because it really is a miracle that he still is. And I'm glad we all get to be there for him, even if it's the hardest thing our family has ever been through. We're also in the midst of quarantine because of the coronavirus and I still have no idea if I'll get to go back to Berkeley in the fall, as they still haven't decided whether classes are going to be in person or not. I'm so afraid of being stuck here in Porterville and just getting more and more sad. I really don't think I have the energy to do another semester of online classes. I'm going to have to work really hard to not just fold into myself and stop trying, because my grades cannot suffer anymore. My freshman year has been rough. Part of it was adjusting to life away from home and my family and friends, but a lot of it has just been about growing up. I'm still learning what it means to go out of my comfort zone and be open to new experiences, and some of my favorite memories have been from when I have. I am taking my experiences from this year and learning from each and every one of them. I have learned a lot of what it means to be a good friend, and I'm still learning all the time how to take care of myself. I really thought I had the independence thing down, but I'm obviously still figuring that out. At the end of the day, I love Berkeley and the people there, and I know there's so much to enjoy if I just get out there and enjoy it. I just hope I can go back soon enough and don't end up missing out on anymore of it. On top of everything else I'm dealing with, Mariza and I broke up a few days ago and I am feeling absolutely worthless. I lost my biggest support system and completely stopped talking to the person I care about most in the world. I don't know if it's because our relationship was so bad or if I just have my own problems I need to work through, but I have incredibly low self esteem right now. At this point, I haven't gone without being in a relationship since I was 13 years old. I have no idea how to rely on myself or be comfortable with being alone. But while I'm at a really low point in my life, I realize that I don't always have to feel like this. I can miss Mariza because she was such a big part of my life for so long and I care about her as a person, but I should not keep regretting breaking up with her because it was the right decision. I am mature enough to admit that even if a person may seem right, that doesn't mean the relationship is as well. It's a lot easier to say all of this than it is to actually feel it, though. I'm still working on that part. Anyway, I have a lot of hope for future Marie. The biggest thing is that I hope she's happy. I don't deserve to be sad or think so poorly of myself. I hope that she's either in love with somebody beautiful and kind, or she's happy enough with herself that she doesn't mind if she isn't yet. And by God, no more toxic relationships. You are a grown *** woman and I expect so much out of you. Writing this is crazy to me because I can't imagine myself 5 years from now. Maybe it's because I don't have any sort of plan for the future, besides finishing school, so I can't even visualize where I'm going to be. (And for some reason, a big part of me can't shake the feeling I'm either going to be dead or living under a bridge.) But I know that it's also because I'm trying really hard to focus on the now. Life may suck in general, but there are so many good parts of it to be grateful for. So, I hope this letter reaches a Marie that is happier with herself. You are the only person that is going to be there for you 100% of the time. Be nice to yourself please! :) Yours, Marie