A letter from May 16th, 2020

dear future me, it seems kind of dumb writing a letter to my future self but oh well. currently stuck in quarantine because of covid-19. i bet 3 years ago you wouldn't have believed something like this happened. and i'm sure you'd say "that sounds AMAZING, no school!" eh, it's really not. i don't exactly miss school: getting up early, the social aspect of it, etc. i do miss going out and shopping and stuff like that... and just... being able to go outside without having to wear a mask? i dunno. it's also scary thinking about the aftermath of everything... it will all be so different, and i kind of hate that. anyway, since i know you can't do math, you're currently a junior in high school (16) writing this to 21 year old you. i wonder what i'm doing right now? in college? is it as scary as i thought it would be? did you get into a college that you wanted to? how was the end of high school? graduation? have you dated anyone these past five years? to be honest i'm not sure why i'm asking all these questions. it's weird to think that i might read this in five years. or maybe i'll forget about it entirely. currently, life is pretty lonely. even before quarantine it was. you have like 2 friends and one of them isn't even a close friend. i mean, you used to be close friends in like middle school but it's not the same anymore. that kinda hurts. i wish i was in middle school again. okay, maybe not. middle schoolers are nasty and ******* is not fun but i just want to be able to feel something again i guess? like be happy. back then i thought i was this super sad depressed girl, and maybe i was somewhat, but oh boy look at me now. i hope your social anxiety hasn't totally ruined your life. anywho, i don't know why i'm talking so much about the past. i guess that's just in my nature to be sentimental. before this whole quarantine thing, you were...well, in school. no after school activities of course, and mom and dad make you feel bad about that. your teachers aren't terrible but you haven't really connected with them. honestly though, have you ever connected with a teacher? mr kwas (your history teacher, if you don't remember, but i'm sure you do) is a bit of a weirdo and compliments you a lot, but it's pretty harmless. plus it's kind of nice i guess. you're also in an honors french class and your teacher is nice and all but you don't really have any friends in that class so it's awkward when you have to pair up with people. but you don't exactly have to deal with that anymore, haha. and remember that kid you had a wee bit of a crush on? in french. he's a senior and he has a girlfriend and everything, and i don't even really like him like that, plus he doesn't even hardly talk to you, but for some reason i'll kinda miss him. and i'll never see him again. maybe there could've been something between us, he literally was flirting with you but you were too insecure and oblivious to notice. ok maybe he wasn't flirting? i still overthink it. it doesn't really matter now. i wanted to talk about current life in this letter, and i guess i am, but other than school nothing too special is going on. i could say because of quarantine but even if we weren't in quarantine, i wouldn't be doing much anyway. it's kinda hard being lonely. sometimes i'm ok with it but other times i wish i had friends. it's my fault for not initiating anything i guess. i mean i have mutuals that i talk to, but not anyone i would call a friend. which is uh... embarassing. i almost became friends with that girl in history + math but now i obviously can't talk to her so...y'know. i mean, i have her number but we've never texted and it was only to send some math thing. i'll probably never text her. not like the convo would go anywhere anyway. you have a few online friends, and recently got back in touch with one, i bet you know who i'm talking about, but if not, her name starts with a 'k'. skipping the long parts, because i could go on about us forever, we've talked a few times now and i really like her! our conversations just go so smoothly. i don't know if our friendship will be the same as it was a few years ago, but at least you're kinda talking again. oh yeah, and about college: i'm terrified!! i don't think i can do it. i finally decided on a major i'm interested in, but i feel like i was too late. i've taken no classes whatsoever about it (psych). i'm taking one next year but i'll be a SENIOR. ugh. life feels so meaningless. i'm just going to go through high school, college, get a job at some point, be in student debt forever, maybe meet someone, then die (at the moment i don't want kids--probably will never change my mind on that, i don't know though). i wish life felt more meaningful but i don't know how i can add more meaning when i'm too scared to ever go out there. plus i'm in quarantine anyway, not much you can do with that. you've started writing a bit again, and it's been kind of fun. i wish i could write more but i just haven't had the inspo lately. anyways, you're turning 17 in about a month. haha, remember when you were 13 and thought being 16/17 would be so fun and cool? you wanted to be like a main character of an indie film, going to parties and stuff like that. welp, never happened!! and, at least for the last year i'm in high school, it probably WILL never happen. so, overall, being 16, almost 17, isn't that great. all i do is worry about college, my appearance, and cry about the past. i hardly have any hobbies or anything that makes me genuinely happy. remember in 7th grade when mom got twenty one pilots tickets? i remember being so happy. like, genuine happiness. i wish i could feel that again. ah, those were the days. i guess. better than now, at least. my emo phase when i was 12/13 wasn't cute... quite cringey actually but sometimes i wish i could go back. you know, watching dan and phil, listening to pierce the veil, twenty one pilots, bring me the horizon, you know the jig. ugh. i guess crying about the past is my hobby. oh yeah, remember your ex-bestie? kelley. yeah, you know the story so i'm not going to repeat it, but i miss her sometimes. she was toxic as hell and generally not the greatest friend but i still miss it sometimes. we were like 2 peas in a pod. i guess i miss it. but maybe that's just because i'm lonely and glorifying what we once had. at this point i don't even know. sorry i know this email is going to be incredibly long... i'm basically just rambling. i bet you'll read the whole thing, though. at this very moment i'm listening to first love by the maccabees (the softer version, it's not on spotify) and kind of crying as i write this. i'm not super depressed or anything, but i hope things get better by now (when you're reading this). life just feels soooo meaningless. this is going to sound really edgy, but at this point, the only thing keeping me from maybe going 'poof' is mom, dad, and lil sis. and the rest of the family of course but they're not as relevant. i wish it wasn't like this. i wish I wasn't like this. i'm not suicidal but i guess i just feel like life isn't really worth living right now. i want to be anyone but myself. i kind of wish i was a teenager in the 2000s, seems kind of fun. i was watching videos like "last day of high school 2009" and other old videos of kids on youtube and for some reason i wish i could be apart of that. next topic since i'm never going to be able to stop rambling.....school. again. i can't take the SATs because of covid so.... great. i probably won't be able to take them until next school year or late summer if i'm lucky. kind of sucks. well i'm sorry this is long. i could probably talk more but i think this is enough for now. maybe i'll send another letter, to open three years from now. or one year. or maybe ten. fifteen. probably not, though. i'd just talk about the same things i talked about here. that's it, though. normally i would proof read things i read but i'm not going to do it this time. i just want to send exactly what i typed, no corrections....welp, hi (techincally bye i guess) five-years-into-the-future me. i hope you're happier now. xoxo. happy birthday by the way (sending this to you on your birthday, just for kicks)