A letter from May 15th, 2020

Dear FutureMe, This is intense. How do I sum up the current climate/myself? Do you remember me? Right now Rosyln by Bon Iver is playing and I'm living alone in Preston. It's a strange feeling because I have truly no idea where I'm going to be in five years but when this reaches me I have such hope you'll be okay. You've truly been through so much in the span of 6 months. Just know I'm proud of who you are and who you are yet to become. You may worry, laugh, cry, stumble or crash into the next few years but I know you'll make it out. Because you are me. Let's summarise these past few months shall we??? So you started living with your best friend who you found was so shallow and unhelpful you learnt how much of a passive person you are and you've also been in your first full-time job as a property manager (more like therapist). She moved out to live with her tinder boyfriend and you're trying to cover rent with your parents help. Total contrast to how you thought this year would pan out. Remember when you met that boy and had such a rollercoaster of a first festival?! You thought he might be your forever but he ghosted you. Do you remember how heartbroken you felt? Or how mad you were that you gave him cool socks for his birthday! It wasn't fair how he treated you, you truly deserved better. Lesson learned, don't ever trust words and if you have a sinking feeling in your chest or negative thoughts, it's clearly your intuition trying to tell you something. Now off that stupid skaterboy rant (ew) you are currently not happy in your job at 22 years old. Mainly because you've had this epiphany you can't handle how negative or how unsatisfied you are in this line of work. You are compassionate and empathetic, you deserve a role that will focus more on that. I really hope you've found something in the mental health/community sector. Do you remember how terrifying and sad Christmas was? I'm really sorry that happened and I hope Mum is okay now. She has been diagnosed with Meneers Disease and has such a lack of energy and life, I worry about her every day. Is dad finally out of the shop? Right now they have a possible buyer but its taking forever...it terrifies me he may never get out and I may never get to experience a proper relationship with my dad as he is constantly drained and grumpy. Is he happy now? And, are they still together? Let's talk about your mental health. Clearly, things in your personal, family and work-life are all quite awry. You went through a period where you didn't leave bed, barely talked to friends and everything seemed so bleak. You couldn't stop crying on the phone to your mum wondering what was wrong with you and why you couldn't just be happy. You finally started seeing a therapist and went on antidepressants but you had a bad reaction to them and couldn't work for two days so you're currently off them because you're scared. You have your next appointment in a few days hopefully we'll cover some ground because you've barely covered any. You feel alright, not healed, not happy but you're getting through it. Physically you do not feel great at all either. You definitely feel like you're at your highest weight and feel like depression has honestly fast-tracked that. You have trouble sticking to diets or fitness plans so I really hope by 27 I get my **** into gear and stop fuelling my body with junk. Its the hardest to start but once you're going it's all about keeping that momentum going so kick yourself into gear girl! Now let's talk about the big one, pandemic. Obviously life during Covid-19 is confronting, not unbearable but different. It's made the world slow down..including my first overseas trip. To think right now at this moment I was meant to be in Europe, feels like a cruel joke by the universe quite honestly. I think this is one of the hardest things I'm trying to come to terms with. I really needed Europe. sounds silly but I was hoping for that life-changing experience or this miraculous growth needed in order to rejuvenate my life. Maybe next year hey, I really hope that the "universe has a plan for me". In five years I just want you to be happy. Romanticize the trivial things and stop being so scared of living or feeling like you need to live up to something. Because one day you'll be in a grave and no one will be comparing your life to anyone else's. Morbid but completely valid. Also at this age don't focus on meeting someone, having babies or getting married..no matter the societal or family pressure that comes from getting older. There is no value in these things unless it comes naturally. Don't be forced into something because you fear you may miss out. Cultivate your garden, kiss your pets and visit that Airbnb with your friends and don't ever let society tell YOU girl who you are or what you're meant to be doing at this age. You're exactly where you needed to be at this exact moment reading this message from your 22-year-old self. Have faith it works out, because I do.