A letter from May 15th, 2020

Time Travelled — almost 3 years

Peaceful right?

Dear FutureMe, It's been 2 months since we went into lockdown. The world outside is empty. Tumbleweeds blow through Time Square. The Sidney opera house is silent. The Mona Lisa has to make do with small snippets of attention from a passing security guard who, frankly, isn't convinced she's all that. The only places still bustling are Intensive Care Units. We still don't know when it's all going to end, and my anxiety is mounting. I'm almost paralysed by it. It's impossible to know how much of my fear is altruistic... a kind of existential pain for a world that's suffering. The truth is, I think, that most of my anxiety is shallow, selfish. I'm upset I can't hug my mum, that she's in another country and it could be months, even a year, before I get to see her again. I'm worried that I'm too stupid or lazy to complete my dissertation. My Masters degree hangs in the balance. Complexities surrounding placements and Coronavirus mean that it could be another year before I'm qualified, and this uncertainty panics me. Beneath that is a fear that I'm not sure I even want to be qualified, and that beginning a career in the health service currently feels wholly overwhelming. In a way, the millions of ill and dead and destitute and abused show the folly of my petty worries. My privilege, my luck, to be young and healthy and pursuing a post graduate degree. But the fear still remains, a panic that my body can't forget no matter what my mind tries. I try to forgive myself, because I am unwell. Mental illness is a part of my story. Fear, dread, depression. Sometimes I find myself unable to move. Sometimes it turns into pain, nausea, fever, like my mind is overflowing and poisoning my body. But I meditate, and I breath through it, and I try to live a life that makes sense, that isn't about staying safe. I'm in love too. He squeezes me tight when it all gets to much. He moors me to the surface of the earth so I don't float away. He's something physical to touch. Something beyond the anxious uncertainty of social media with its unread messages and ambiguous emojis. I'm 24 next week. There's something to that. There's something powerful about knowing that time is still passing even as we're all standing still. I enjoy my birthdays. I'll drink champagne, and eat cake. I'll open gifts. I celebrate being as loved as I am. Being young, and beautiful, and being in love with a handsome man who fully embraces even my defects. I won't ask you any questions, future me, even though I have many. I'm sure I know all that I need to. I hope that you still meditate. I hope you are still in love. I hope you are filled with gratitude when you hug your mum. I suppose I am writing to remind myself that there is a future. Now, more than ever, glib remarks about apocalypse and the inevitability of ***** have become commonplace. It feels as if this virus has turned us all into Nihilists. But I believe in survival, kindness, and the human spirit. And I believe in you. Best Wishes, future you. xx

Epilogue

2 days later

Dear Past Me,

Thank you for your letter. The notification flashed up while I was on a treadmill at the gym. I felt shocked for a moment. It was like...

Ododlchhi uyo ahngeri eedply a mfro moeeson cneo nfrdi,e ebmrerme tbu acn eodlv nwo rayble. ,me me ei,thglr tub pesreexceni tbu neno elss a eth ewf yuo rae. .
.
On ot lelt hte tn'od for erdgadg onlg plaaopeysc ouy tnwa i hwo. I watn i i ot hepo dtluwn,o' ulc,od enve utlo'wnd yuo fi sole eseabcu. Dluow and tub i esv,iudvr to ouy it twan breett konw ouy uoy rfo rae htta. Ot ldwuo i yuo payhp uyo rea hatt nwko wnat. .
.
Your olyn elat hnsidief degeer 6 uyo eekws. Wtn'sa it ayse. Setblu ruyo oyu inmd hte in gionls fo bnggensnii eetrlt uoyr neocrsige i. Ereobf it otg tog btteer ti resow. Rflouyse roimrr fro layrbe ni lh,wie a teh resoencgid you. .
.
Rwee eb yrou ewnh tnepras ot doemv nlraied yuo yuo ssoirateidtn to itwh rwgtnii ckab your. Was eb trghtoee to a uyor ot eb neibodryf ofr ardh elw,hi it omrf swa yaaw ti t,ub rdaerh. Ew riugdn threo adys rhesodud ot aesrtsrng ebcaem ot dna minds tohes evsuolser ckoolndw oltlemepyc htta ixntyae haeyv aech os our. .
.
Trsoengr way ew guhhrot rhda uor abk,c nofud reev eth estm,i eneb tahn e'vew. 2,200 poedpors ni eh deecrbme. Sa rcetbingael eno era iyrevarnsna ryae monht ish uoyr exnt yuo fwie. Si grmaraie. . . Lwel. . . Oyu uyo ylaid hthugo of otd'n kwno tnoef e,iwf uocdl ihs evha i i ojy aeinmgi syspliob eht nikth drite gnbie. Eth wnolrfude tme inwegdd of vene yuo eeolpp at your myna not so ahve. T,heer yuo onr,spe ohw 'atnsw asylwa ugothth oen be udlwo. Yuo os elt eyepomcltl 'sawtn vnee vdeitin that dna seh wdon rtuh esh uoy. A oyu hes nraetgsr ot now si. .
.
Na ogdo neo uyo rea a pr,astehti oiacuapcntlo dna. Voel boj ryuo yuo. Het tops a gewainr ni ouy smsak oadlwel ,nad vahe laoishtp to nebe hits llnfaiy sicphiactry rwok aftfs ,kwee. Vneer oguhth ferboe to n,amolr ilwl eb dlrow has eetrdnru eanlry ti swa owh ti teh xyeltca. .
.
Dnweeek uyo 27 rea tsih. To yuo aoldpn ryuo eerbtlcae )(! gktani si to dsnuhba. Reevrehw era ielk ot ouy free oyu raltve. Myg acmp, etm,iadet ylecc, uoy het yuo htwi defsnir ewek a uyo loas yuro ilstl ouy go utb ot wiect. Yuo adn ash era to pdneoe sha rodwl pu vrtheengiy so it neop ferfo to gian,a eht. Tlo otok it egav tbu you olt, a oto a hte andmipce. Rfae vloe file ifel ti adn esamk o,yu ctonan whdeos ouy rh,tos si is efated oruy hlwworthei that hnvertiegy. .
.
Stlo of veo,l.
.
Erfuut ou,y.

This user has written an update to this letter.To see what they wrote, please


tamekagriffiths1995:

over 2 years ago

💕💕💕

cerna.bara:

over 2 years ago

I teared up reading your letter <3

It feels like a whole different life ago.

I hope you are doing amazing wherever you are - and whoever you are and is reading this.

We made it through <3

5w6h7vjtym:

over 2 years ago

This is the most emotional I’ve ever felt. You described perfectly how I was feeling when the world went silent.

mucadream:

over 2 years ago

Thank you for sharing. Thank you for updating. You’re a very good writer and I’m so happy things worked out well for you.

emarchuk477:

over 2 years ago

I have two words for this... Emotional, Inspiring.

Thank you for inspiring me.

www.namayranuba:

over 2 years ago

We did it luv! We made it! Hope you're happy. Thank you for holding on. I'm proud of you <"3

ayafk37:

over 2 years ago

I hope you graduated girl <3

biaroscoe:

over 2 years ago

loved that ✨ It translates many feelings all of us had been through

kate.johnston-zemek:

over 2 years ago

I have almost forgotten what lockdown felt like... It was so long ago!

cr106452:

over 2 years ago

thank you for sharing this, I honestly cried after reading, lock down was something that damaged us all... but we made it! we are all blessed to be alive aren't we! (ɔ◔‿◔)ɔ ♥

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