A letter from May 15th, 2020

Time Travelled — almost 3 years

Peaceful right?

Dear FutureMe, It's been 2 months since we went into lockdown. The world outside is empty. Tumbleweeds blow through Time Square. The Sidney opera house is silent. The Mona Lisa has to make do with small snippets of attention from a passing security guard who, frankly, isn't convinced she's all that. The only places still bustling are Intensive Care Units. We still don't know when it's all going to end, and my anxiety is mounting. I'm almost paralysed by it. It's impossible to know how much of my fear is altruistic... a kind of existential pain for a world that's suffering. The truth is, I think, that most of my anxiety is shallow, selfish. I'm upset I can't hug my mum, that she's in another country and it could be months, even a year, before I get to see her again. I'm worried that I'm too stupid or lazy to complete my dissertation. My Masters degree hangs in the balance. Complexities surrounding placements and Coronavirus mean that it could be another year before I'm qualified, and this uncertainty panics me. Beneath that is a fear that I'm not sure I even want to be qualified, and that beginning a career in the health service currently feels wholly overwhelming. In a way, the millions of ill and dead and destitute and abused show the folly of my petty worries. My privilege, my luck, to be young and healthy and pursuing a post graduate degree. But the fear still remains, a panic that my body can't forget no matter what my mind tries. I try to forgive myself, because I am unwell. Mental illness is a part of my story. Fear, dread, depression. Sometimes I find myself unable to move. Sometimes it turns into pain, nausea, fever, like my mind is overflowing and poisoning my body. But I meditate, and I breath through it, and I try to live a life that makes sense, that isn't about staying safe. I'm in love too. He squeezes me tight when it all gets to much. He moors me to the surface of the earth so I don't float away. He's something physical to touch. Something beyond the anxious uncertainty of social media with its unread messages and ambiguous emojis. I'm 24 next week. There's something to that. There's something powerful about knowing that time is still passing even as we're all standing still. I enjoy my birthdays. I'll drink champagne, and eat cake. I'll open gifts. I celebrate being as loved as I am. Being young, and beautiful, and being in love with a handsome man who fully embraces even my defects. I won't ask you any questions, future me, even though I have many. I'm sure I know all that I need to. I hope that you still meditate. I hope you are still in love. I hope you are filled with gratitude when you hug your mum. I suppose I am writing to remind myself that there is a future. Now, more than ever, glib remarks about apocalypse and the inevitability of ***** have become commonplace. It feels as if this virus has turned us all into Nihilists. But I believe in survival, kindness, and the human spirit. And I believe in you. Best Wishes, future you. xx

Epilogue

2 days later

Dear Past Me,

Thank you for your letter. The notification flashed up while I was on a treadmill at the gym. I felt shocked for a moment. It was like...

Own acn vdoel rmfo gharnei you ceno a ayberl tbu emonsoe ,rnedif hcodlodhi remember eepdyl. Wfe a uoy ieernpscxee tbu hte rae tbu lsse neon ,me igtl,rhe em. .
.
'tndo to tlel uyo ardgedg want long woh cpaypaloes no teh orf i. Wudno'tl awnt hpeo ot ouy i enev fi eucbaes lose c,uodl i td'u,lonw i. I for nad atnw to uoy ownk era oyu rttbee uoy tbu it ttah duolw edivursv,. Ear oyu to hatt wtan i apyhp wnok dlwou uyo. .
.
Wseek 6 eiisnhfd ruyo ltea oyu loyn eegerd. Seay 'stwna ti. Giosnl sinnbgnieg imnd het i yuo utebls gceesnroi ni ruyo tertel of ryuo. Gto orbefe oewsr got it ti erettb. Yuo arbely eht rrromi loueyfsr ni for ewhl,i a cgsidreone. .
.
Ot tiwh uoy bcak ot oyru erew eb hwne vedmo uyo eraidln psrtane iintwrg oury atrndtsesioi. Fro yawa asw ot to lw,hie rdrhea a ub,t eb form oyur beyfndori saw eb dahr it htotereg ti. Luvessreo hace so ndims uro elopetlycm adn hatt abmcee eorth ot yvaeh etniyax ehtso sohdeudr days sasrtregn rundig coodnwlk ew ot. .
.
Eerv grohthu eth weve' htna we esimt, snertorg oru hadr c,kba enbe fnudo awy. Ni epdrspoo cembrede 02,20 eh. Sa his feiw uoyr yvnriasnrea egbetrnical etnx ohtnm one ear ouy yrae. Si gimrarea. . . Llwe. . . Have hsi dcolu often jyo fo gnibe you dlaiy i i the we,if lsiopbsy hiktn 'notd uoy tedri aigmnie onwk otghuh. Yamn os het enve oury frdnwelou tno vhae of emt at uyo dnidgwe ppeeol. Hwo 'tnwsa yuo yawlsa utgtohh wulod osp,ern eno et,her eb. Uoy etlmpycoel nad hes swtn'a hatt you tvidein esh nvee so tle turh dnow. Yuo nstrgrae ot won is seh a. .
.
Adn neo a you na arits,tehp godo aer pcooaaiunctl. Yuo obj love your. Kew,e oalwlde ngeriwa wokr evah hstalpoi in and, ptos yuo ot hits eht affts kmssa a enbe llyifan hctyarcsiip. Reven owdrl the nutdeerr ot eb ti ti ,malnro woh ylatexc leanyr wlli breeof hthguo hsa swa. .
.
Era eeweknd oyu 27 hsti. Is tganik rouy you to to andolp eletcreba nubadsh )!(. Ouy to refe ouy ear klie erehrwve treavl. A lilst ,pmac idefnrs btu cly,ec ymg uoyr ouy ot eht laos ouy go eictw hwti you itedat,me ekew yuo. Rae sah eth uyo has to ot ndeepo orwld roffe ti peon pu etyhergvin so ,nagia and. Eht a lo,t a amnpedci tub tlo ti ootk oot oyu gvea. Ouy hsr,ot nda anntco oruy gtrehyeivn tlewrohhiw lefi fera seodhw ksmae that flie ouy, si tfaede si ovel it. .
.
Of sotl leo,v.
.
Tufreu o,yu.

This user has written an update to this letter.To see what they wrote, please


tamekagriffiths1995:

over 2 years ago

💕💕💕

cerna.bara:

over 2 years ago

I teared up reading your letter <3

It feels like a whole different life ago.

I hope you are doing amazing wherever you are - and whoever you are and is reading this.

We made it through <3

5w6h7vjtym:

over 2 years ago

This is the most emotional I’ve ever felt. You described perfectly how I was feeling when the world went silent.

mucadream:

over 2 years ago

Thank you for sharing. Thank you for updating. You’re a very good writer and I’m so happy things worked out well for you.

emarchuk477:

over 2 years ago

I have two words for this... Emotional, Inspiring.

Thank you for inspiring me.

www.namayranuba:

over 2 years ago

We did it luv! We made it! Hope you're happy. Thank you for holding on. I'm proud of you <"3

ayafk37:

over 2 years ago

I hope you graduated girl <3

biaroscoe:

over 2 years ago

loved that ✨ It translates many feelings all of us had been through

kate.johnston-zemek:

over 2 years ago

I have almost forgotten what lockdown felt like... It was so long ago!

cr106452:

over 2 years ago

thank you for sharing this, I honestly cried after reading, lock down was something that damaged us all... but we made it! we are all blessed to be alive aren't we! (ɔ◔‿◔)ɔ ♥

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