Time Travelled — almost 3 years

A letter from May 15th, 2020

May 15, 2020 May 15, 2023

Epilogue

Peaceful right?

Dear FutureMe, It's been 2 months since we went into lockdown. The world outside is empty. Tumbleweeds blow through Time Square. The Sidney opera house is silent. The Mona Lisa has to make do with small snippets of attention from a passing security guard who, frankly, isn't convinced she's all that. The only places still bustling are Intensive Care Units. We still don't know when it's all going to end, and my anxiety is mounting. I'm almost paralysed by it. It's impossible to know how much of my fear is altruistic... a kind of existential pain for a world that's suffering. The truth is, I think, that most of my anxiety is shallow, selfish. I'm upset I can't hug my mum, that she's in another country and it could be months, even a year, before I get to see her again. I'm worried that I'm too stupid or lazy to complete my dissertation. My Masters degree hangs in the balance. Complexities surrounding placements and Coronavirus mean that it could be another year before I'm qualified, and this uncertainty panics me. Beneath that is a fear that I'm not sure I even want to be qualified, and that beginning a career in the health service currently feels wholly overwhelming. In a way, the millions of ill and dead and destitute and abused show the folly of my petty worries. My privilege, my luck, to be young and healthy and pursuing a post graduate degree. But the fear still remains, a panic that my body can't forget no matter what my mind tries. I try to forgive myself, because I am unwell. Mental illness is a part of my story. Fear, dread, depression. Sometimes I find myself unable to move. Sometimes it turns into pain, nausea, fever, like my mind is overflowing and poisoning my body. But I meditate, and I breath through it, and I try to live a life that makes sense, that isn't about staying safe. I'm in love too. He squeezes me tight when it all gets to much. He moors me to the surface of the earth so I don't float away. He's something physical to touch. Something beyond the anxious uncertainty of social media with its unread messages and ambiguous emojis. I'm 24 next week. There's something to that. There's something powerful about knowing that time is still passing even as we're all standing still. I enjoy my birthdays. I'll drink champagne, and eat cake. I'll open gifts. I celebrate being as loved as I am. Being young, and beautiful, and being in love with a handsome man who fully embraces even my defects. I won't ask you any questions, future me, even though I have many. I'm sure I know all that I need to. I hope that you still meditate. I hope you are still in love. I hope you are filled with gratitude when you hug your mum. I suppose I am writing to remind myself that there is a future. Now, more than ever, glib remarks about apocalypse and the inevitability of death have become commonplace. It feels as if this virus has turned us all into Nihilists. But I believe in survival, kindness, and the human spirit. And I believe in you. Best Wishes, future you. xx

Epilogue

2 days later

Dear Past Me,

Thank you for your letter. The notification flashed up while I was on a treadmill at the gym. I felt shocked for a moment. It was like...

Eemrbmer einahrg neco earlyb onw ensoeom a nac feid,rn ldveo but uyo fmor pedlye ioldhohdc. M,e eonn tub btu em uyo wfe eht essl rea ietr,lgh xrenicspeee a. .
.
For regddga hwo ot'nd payslocepa ot oyu tlle olgn eth no i ntaw. Antw ohpe fi i nd'ltwou evne lseo c,udlo ot i oyu d,'wnulto acebuse i. You taht you iuedvs,vr to atnw tbu are it uyo rfo i wokn ttbeer uwlod dan. I htat oyu tawn nokw to rae uwldo yuo phapy. .
.
Dhsifine yoru wkese elat edgeer uoy 6 yoln. Atw'sn syea ti. Mind uoyr the royu ergonscie in inniegsbgn of elettr yuo tsebul i glonsi. Ti gto it bteetr rbefeo got erswo. Ofr lusoefry a le,wih yuo eyrlab in ircgsedneo ormrir the. .
.
Yuo twginri erwe eb evmdo ot pesartn dtsaeiotirns kbac ruyo twih ot nehw nalrdie uyo ryuo. To ielw,h omfr uoyr ahrd u,bt ti eb eb ot was orf it was rhgoetet drarhe nofeiyrdb waya a. Dlocwnko ridung adn shtoe ot uro iatxnye eeslsuovr ahec we tath ehavy so yads cpelotlyem baemce dsimn rsntsager retho ot uhdrsdoe. .
.
Smeit, eht ew uro yaw we've bkc,a eenb tnha ndfuo radh evre ouhhrtg tseorrng. Dbcreeem ni dropoeps ,2002 he. Aer uyo iewf reannvyrsai xnte one tnohm oury raey rntcibaelge shi sa. Is ierarmga. . . Llew. . . Dayil i ewif, n'dot yoj sih fo rdiet minigae onwk nihkt oclud ohhutg feton oyu neibg i you hvae het issboylp. Ont veen inewdgd elpeop so tem of anym froudelnw avhe yoru eth ta oyu. N,serpo odulw ,herte uoy how awsn't ouhgtht eb noe laywsa. Elt ptymollcee nvee esh esh ruth nwod dna ta'nws you tdvinei htat so oyu. Genrsrat si seh uoy to onw a. .
.
Are a eno dogo na nda uoy tpr,aesiht onicoaulctpa. You uryo elvo jbo. Hte dawlole owkr nfyiall piaryhsccit ouy ,nda k,eew a spto ptsiloha fasft egnaiwr ahev ot in eebn tshi msask. Uhgoht it ot befroe hwo dowrl eht eb l,ronam sha it liwl edrrnteu txeyacl enevr lnreay swa. .
.
Aer siht you dnekeew 72. Abdnhsu )!( your you to bleeterca ikagnt si ot aodlpn. Ot ehevrrew uoy tlerva you era reef keli. Pac,m lltis gmy serndfi you ekwe thiw tedet,mai ot a eth ,cecly uyo oyu iecwt oals go uory oyu btu. Naag,i pu ahs are oyu so eeghvnyitr odpeen to ti eofrf nda has het onpe rldow to. Tbu tol gvae l,to edapmnic yuo it too a eth toko a. Iyeevgtrnh nda fiel thwrwielho ahtt h,tros love si ti dfetae si oy,u emkas uoy esdowh lief eafr tnaonc oury. .
.
Fo otsl o,lev.
.
Uuetfr uy,o.

This user has written an update to this letter.To see what they wrote, please


tamekagriffiths1995:

about 1 year ago

💕💕💕

cerna.bara:

about 1 year ago

I teared up reading your letter <3

It feels like a whole different life ago.

I hope you are doing amazing wherever you are - and whoever you are and is reading this.

We made it through <3

5w6h7vjtym:

about 1 year ago

This is the most emotional I’ve ever felt. You described perfectly how I was feeling when the world went silent.

mucadream:

about 1 year ago

Thank you for sharing. Thank you for updating. You’re a very good writer and I’m so happy things worked out well for you.

emarchuk477:

about 1 year ago

I have two words for this... Emotional, Inspiring.

Thank you for inspiring me.

khadra.muhumed:

about 1 year ago

this was amaziig!

www.namayranuba:

about 1 year ago

We did it luv! We made it! Hope you're happy. Thank you for holding on. I'm proud of you

ayafk37:

about 1 year ago

I hope you graduated girl <3

biaroscoe:

about 1 year ago

loved that ✨ It translates many feelings all of us had been through

kate.johnston-zemek:

about 1 year ago

I have almost forgotten what lockdown felt like... It was so long ago!

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