Time Travelled — almost 3 years

A letter from May 15th, 2020

May 15, 2020 May 15, 2023

Epilogue

Peaceful right?

Dear FutureMe,

It's been 2 months since we went into lockdown. The world outside is empty. Tumbleweeds blow through Time Square. The Sidney opera house is silent. The Mona Lisa has to make do with small snippets of attention from a passing security guard who, frankly, isn't convinced she's all that. The only places still bustling are Intensive Care Units.

We still don't know when it's all going to end, and my anxiety is mounting. I'm almost paralysed by it. It's impossible to know how much of my fear is altruistic... a kind of existential pain for a world that's suffering. The truth is, I think, that most of my anxiety is shallow, selfish. I'm upset I can't hug my mum, that she's in another country and it could be months, even a year, before I get to see her again. I'm worried that I'm too stupid or lazy to complete my dissertation. My Masters degree hangs in the balance. Complexities surrounding placements and Coronavirus mean that it could be another year before I'm qualified, and this uncertainty panics me. Beneath that is a fear that I'm not sure I even want to be qualified, and that beginning a career in the health service currently feels wholly overwhelming.

In a way, the millions of ill and dead and destitute and abused show the folly of my petty worries. My privilege, my luck, to be young and healthy and pursuing a post graduate degree. But the fear still remains, a panic that my body can't forget no matter what my mind tries.

I try to forgive myself, because I am unwell. Mental illness is a part of my story. Fear, dread, depression. Sometimes I find myself unable to move. Sometimes it turns into pain, nausea, fever, like my mind is overflowing and poisoning my body. But I meditate, and I breath through it, and I try to live a life that makes sense, that isn't about staying safe.

I'm in love too. He squeezes me tight when it all gets to much. He moors me to the surface of the earth so I don't float away. He's something physical to touch. Something beyond the anxious uncertainty of social media with its unread messages and ambiguous emojis.

I'm 24 next week. There's something to that. There's something powerful about knowing that time is still passing even as we're all standing still. I enjoy my birthdays. I'll drink champagne, and eat cake. I'll open gifts. I celebrate being as loved as I am. Being young, and beautiful, and being in love with a handsome man who fully embraces even my defects.

I won't ask you any questions, future me, even though I have many. I'm sure I know all that I need to. I hope that you still meditate. I hope you are still in love. I hope you are filled with gratitude when you hug your mum.

I suppose I am writing to remind myself that there is a future. Now, more than ever, glib remarks about apocalypse and the inevitability of death have become commonplace. It feels as if this virus has turned us all into Nihilists. But I believe in survival, kindness, and the human spirit. And I believe in you.

Best Wishes, future you. xx


Epilogue

2 days later

Dear Past Me,

Thank you for your letter. The notification flashed up while I was on a treadmill at the gym. I felt shocked for a moment. It was like...

Neihagr uyo eremrebm irne,fd mrfo rbelya but dyelep omeseno wno ocen a elvdo can dcihodlho. Are tbu none eht you sesl a me, me few cpreesiexen utb rlte,gih. .
.
Het woh edgardg 'odtn tlle on rfo ouy ot i ogln asppeolcya tnwa. Even uoy tuno'ldw seaubce wtol,du'n uldo,c i i ot twna lose fi poeh i. Olduw nad aer ouy oyu wonk ot i trtbee but it irvdsve,u nwta rfo thta yuo. Yphpa uoy i ttha ouy to era wnat nowk ldowu. .
.
Infehsid esewk erdeeg your 6 late oyu only. Tw'asn asey ti. Creioegns uoy ni isogln elbtus the of ttreel ruoy bgnsegnini mnid uory i. Ogt it rweso erebof ertbet ti tog. Rnsdeegoci rfo rmiorr the ,weilh forusyle ni beyarl uyo a. .
.
Be yuo trgwnii henw oendtisistra oyru edinlar abck yuro ihtw yuo ot eerw to tarsenp demvo. Ot rfnbediyo fro eb it be daerrh romf u,bt a rhad awya ti was wehil, asw etheorgt uyor ot. Rdignu nxetyai aeyhv and erlsvsueo nsraetrsg emlplcotey ndism days dsehduro eebamc stheo dkonclow uor os ceha ot to we htta ehtor. .
.
Atnh ebne way 'ewve rsotrgne rvee ,kabc ,seimt unfod eht ew thghruo radh ruo. Ni 200,2 rspoedpo bermdeec eh. Sa his tmnoh yuro era vsanrrnaiey xten you enlcberigat ayer eon ifew. Si reamgira. . . Llwe. . . Ucold veah yopbssli hntik fo eth daiyl joy gibne imngiae itedr hhougt ewfi, i yuo tfneo konw i ihs yuo ntdo'. Dndwgei etm ehva teh ton enev fo enufdwrlo uyo at so aymn rouy leopep. Walsay hghutot neo lwuod ern,sop be rthee, ouy 'astwn ohw. Elt tath oyu neev os urht tenidvi she dan hse loctypelme down ouy ns'atw. To ouy nerstgar hes own a is. .
.
Dogo a couliopacatn uoy iat,ethspr na eon rae dan. Ojb your olev uyo. Wrko latsoihp ehva stpo bene afstf a hccsipaiyrt ouy edolawl teh this ,kwee ,adn in ot wgeniar msaks yanlifl. Het who edenrtur wdlro renayl erbofe to rveen ti nmlrao, ti illw sha ohtghu yaxtcel wsa be. .
.
Ihst ouy rae keedwne 27. To yuo (!) talebrece naigkt uory is doplna sndubah ot. Erhwerve ot uyo evratl keil ear yuo reef. Weke ,acmp go a nsidefr also het oyu oyu tbu uoy gym tlisl teeam,tid twih ouyr ot lcyce, oyu ciwte. Ot to so vryhngteie ti dna hsa up yuo oepn ina,ag donepe ear eht roffe dwolr hsa. Uyo it a lto eavg eht ookt oto a imepncad t,lo ubt. You, yuo ti reaf mksae dan flei vole flei uyro hsodwe si atht neiegyrvht rts,ho is etdfea cnotan ohiwtherlw. .
.
Slto of l,ove.
.
Ouy, eutfur.

This user has written an update to this letter.To see what they wrote, please


tamekagriffiths1995:

5 months ago

💕💕💕

cerna.bara:

5 months ago

I teared up reading your letter <3

It feels like a whole different life ago.

I hope you are doing amazing wherever you are - and whoever you are and is reading this.

We made it through <3

5w6h7vjtym:

5 months ago

This is the most emotional I’ve ever felt. You described perfectly how I was feeling when the world went silent.

mucadream:

5 months ago

Thank you for sharing. Thank you for updating. You’re a very good writer and I’m so happy things worked out well for you.

emarchuk477:

4 months ago

I have two words for this... Emotional, Inspiring.

Thank you for inspiring me.

khadra.muhumed:

4 months ago

this was amaziig!

www.namayranuba:

4 months ago

We did it luv! We made it! Hope you're happy. Thank you for holding on. I'm proud of you

ayafk37:

4 months ago

I hope you graduated girl <3

biaroscoe:

4 months ago

loved that ✨ It translates many feelings all of us had been through

kate.johnston-zemek:

4 months ago

I have almost forgotten what lockdown felt like... It was so long ago!

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