A letter from May 14th, 2020

Dear FutureMe, I'm currently writing this on the toilet, probably where you'll be reading it if were being honest. Especially if this whole corona thing keeps going on for much longer. Boy would this be a joy to read from 20 year old me. First and foremost, thank you for always being there for me. I hope life has guided you to what we've decided we love most. At the moment, I'm still pushing through the haze. Recently I've been lucky enough to be invited by Carly to live with Eric and Kasey in an adorable spot with two tiny homes and house. I hope it works out. I need out of the house. Progress is something I've yet to rigidly define for myself but I hope you've come to your senses. Found your way out of the city and in a place you call home. Younger me would spend hours writing everything down but I think we both know simplicity is key. I'll start macro. The world is at a stand still which you will surly remember, sitting at home and binging has become the new norm, working from home is now an indefinite idea, and retail is sure to change if not disappear. Muji has been nice, you got a raise but everyone is currently furloughed. I'm not sure if that's the direction I should be heading in. I guess if it's not an immediate yes.. Keith got fired for assaulting me and that's about it. I've started running and being far more active this year, sprained my chin and gained 20 pounds so now I have to ease back in. Oh boy. Hope you've started cross fit or some ****. School is unfinished and I hope you close that chapter for everyones sake. I'm not sure if graphic design is the route but perhaps I could swing a minor. How do I still have no clue what to specialize in? I guess the burden of self-actualization is instilled in first generation folk, but why is it so. Mom has become a red piller and I'm trying to steer her away as best as possible, apparently too aggressively. Which is true.. I'm sure she will find an understanding but it's hard not having one in the first place. Both from her side and mine. I guess the lesson of reliance on belief is something of a gift. Tyler is staying at home in Montana with his new boo but sends me **** picks every few days. It's a nice feeling. I've always been a home wrecker tho. Hope you haven't gone too far at this point. I would love a relationship. I've been working on myself and I believe a person could help me point out specific things. No neggers tho. I hope you build a good work ethic and create something past 25. Work is important. Work always leads to more work. Find that spot in your brain again. Build the matter. I've always said I wanted to be 30, more so I was excited. I'd hope to have kids in my mid 30's so lemme know how that goes. I hope you still kept the hinge of happiness I practice polishing everyday. I'm not sure what else to say.. hope thing are figured out, as I'm doing at the moment. I'll leave some of my fave poems, lemme know if I'm crazy or whatevs - We are now something else Human; an old idea crushed by the weight of understanding Creature; a being so complex Beyond our years and forms We’ll all gather And see it for what it was Just that - Fear dresses to impress you Swaying veils of infinity Dimming out the light Letting you believe in it Hiding out of sight Just a bluff, remember - A foot on the earth A noise unheard A gust a wind a spec of dust A violent thought It is fear and doubt So you know how to live without A curious ray of light Reading this line A circle from beginning to end No beginning And no end A circumference uncertain A center touching each thing - The horizon wasn’t lying You’re just looking the wrong way Go and play on the horizon Go and see its simmer shine Lay your head on the horizon Listen to it’s turning sound Just wait until the boil Oh how you’ll enjoy it now - this poem is about the length of time it took to read - The ***** of my kind of love I was experiencing a happiness unlike before. A joy so overwhelming I began childishly laugh-crying. I felt connected, happy and then, a sudden jolt of discontent. A feeling once felt. One which asks you to come with it. Sometimes, your soul doesn't go. It stays in place and you feel as if a train just rushed past. Now all you hear is silence. You're alone. You feel disconnected. You can never catch up to that feeling of love. Like an arm reaching within, holding you up. Supporting your weight. You feel as if this arm is missing. You will never catch the train without something attached. A plaguing thought. You feel a draining, as if all you've just accomplished was for waste. A feeling of alone-ness, as terrible as can be. Simply enough a thought hits your mind. You never found out who put it there. But it's good. A thought to remind. Love is not something which reaches in and holds you. Love reaches out. From within. You are love, you always have been. There is no better feeling. - Everything I care about Everything I truly own Neatly stored in a speck of light Buzzing in a piece of silicon - Little things called atoms, invented by the life before it. Now you see here right before you, the mechanism it employed. The utter art they made by choice. The being they created, yours. - Taste the light around you See the sounds you never notice Hear the height above you Touch each feeling as if it’s new Your sense aren’t senses They’re a sense, singular Just sharing knowledge amongst one another Let it lead you to a place Where there is no time or space The one thing you will find Is love, always by your side - I don’t need self-belief I’ve already seen what it becomes I’m just here to see it through Try and get in the way Yet to see what that’ll do - Someone push my face down further Down and through closer to the surface Right to the edge Now closer to *that* surface These halls too grand to be Wheres the worker who built these things of a surface? What a thing it is to see Oh - its just a surface *Pressed* up against a surface These found horizons closing and now my mouth is foaming Through morrow and mutt Left with one deserving thought and a belly full of sand I died and did it all again The solid ground indeed delicious - How do I collapse the chasm my father left me? In an instant or throughout time? Maybe I just have to cross it How do I build a bridge in time Before his problems become mine Now starring from the other side Ten pounds lighter, a sharper mind It happened before I could realize - Я люблю это Жизнь -I hope you've started the plan love you