A letter from past me to future me from May 13th, 2020

Dear future Emily, I'm writing this on May 13th, 2020 at exactly 9:48pm. I saw this website on Tik Tok and thought it would be cool to do, even though I'm sure I have a handwritten letter somewhere for the future as well. When you (I, we, future me?) gets this email college will just be about over and the rest of our life will start. I hope whatever I went to college for is something that fits me and I enjoy and not because it makes good money. By now, I would expect me to be with a really nice guy, maybe still with Charlie in some miracle of a way. I hope I've gotten to experience so much that has impacted me in someway. I hope that, mentally, I'm better and much happier. Right now its been really hard and I've spent a lot of my nights crying. My brain just seems so full and empty and it just seems like I get nowhere and somewhere at the same time. I've gotten used to the fact that there is no way I can fully recover from the amount of hurt I've experienced. That no matter how much I try to hide my emotions or try to act like I'm okay, it just doesn't fully go away. I've really been negative towards myself. I've worked out a lot, tried to quit eating as much, constantly worried about my weight, concerned I'm annoying to others, getting worked up about not being smart enough, and just losing hope. I hope years at college and meeting new people and just having a new atmosphere to grow helps in some way. I don't know maybe I even end up seeing someone about this at some point. I don't want to go through fives years only to read back on this and see I'm still stuck feeling so depressed. I hope that my relationship with Christ as gotten significantly better. Throughout all the chaos for the past couple years, I've started to get lost and I've noticed it. I hope I found a nice church with welcoming people and just learned to hide The Word in my heart again. That the man I'm in a relationship with shares this same passion as I do. I mean, it's okay if I'm not with someone in 5 years at this exact moment its just kinda lame being single at 22. I hope I committed to a wonderful career that makes me happy. It'll be super interesting to see where I end up and how close or far away it is from all my options I have planned now. I can't see where I choose to study, how close or far away it is, and heck, if I have to eventually go to more schooling (which probably won't happen). Although right now, out of state schooling doesn't look like an option due to testing scores because I'm just dumb like that, I'm sure the friends I end up making are extraordinary and love us for how we are. I hope so many memories are made throughout the next 5 years and I will cherish forever and will be the stories I tell my grand kids later on in life. Those people better be the people I spend the rest of my life with. Of course I hope I'm still best friends with Rylie. I couldn't imagine going through all of this without her. I wonder how many tattoos I'll have when I finally get this. Did I finally get to drink, considering mom won't let me even have one sip at home. Did I get to skydive, or travel around the country or to another state. Maybe, for a bizarre reason that would be very surprising, I have already gotten married...at 22. Knowing myself, I wouldn't want that but anything can happen in 5 years. Lastly, I want to say that I hope I didn't hold back from things. That I just learned to stop overthinking and just take the leap. That I figured out how to go out of my comfort zone. That I learned how to love every roll, hair, cut, cell, bone, physical traits, personality traits, thought, everything about myself. That I realized how beautiful and positive life can become when I just step back and breathe. Of course, this is all just my hopes and dreams now as a 17 year old; lots of things could change in 5 years. Anyways, I hope life is going great and I can't wait to get this later on. Love, 17 year old Emily (at exactly 10:19pm)