A letter from May 13th, 2020

Dear Samantha, Today is May 13th, 2020. We're in the middle of a full-blown pandemic. This is never something I ever imagined would happen in my lifetime and I hope this all resolves soon. Right now, I'm one big fat mess. I don't know truly what I want to do with my life, I don't know where my identity is, I don't know what I believe in and what I don't. I know a lot of people say that this is a normal phase to go through and that I'll grow out of it, but it doesn't make it any less terrifying. I would like to be living out on my own, but because of the pandemic, I'm still living at home and mom and dad still treat me like I'm in high school. I'm dating Coltyn Parks and he just decided that he's not going to move to New York any time soon to pursue acting which has been his plan for a very long time. Megan is dating Gavin Powers and Alex is dating some girl named Ellie that none of us have met, and I'm working at food city, although I don't plan on staying there long. I have a lot of hopes and aspirations but I'm having a hard time believing they all will come true. I want to be married in my early twenties, and start having kids before I reach my thirties. HOPEFULLY, by the time you read this, some of those dreams will have come true. Right now, my plan is to be an elementary school guidance counselor and I'm about to start my second year at UTC. I'm about a week away from going to a psychiatry appointment to finally learn what's been holding me back all these years. I feel like it's going to go one of two ways. 1.) He diagnoses me with something and I start treatment to help it or 2.) He tells me there's nothing wrong with me and I have to continue to fight the same battles I have been for about eight years now, and girl, I'm so tired of it. I struggle with the same things daily: Anxiety, random crying, feeling like I'm not really even in my own body, feeling like my thoughts are coming from someone else, acting on impulse, getting angry easily, snapping at people, getting restless sleep, and ESPECIALLY feeling like everything is a crisis. It not only weighs on me, but also on the people who are trying their best to love me when I make it so hard. By your age, I pray that I have found my identity in Christ. I pray that I know who I am and where I stand with the Lord and that I am unwavering in my faith. I hate that right now, that's not the case. Because in the end, that is the most important thing. This Earth and all these material things won't matter when the Lord comes back to claim his people. I still have faith in God, but with so much media and outside pressures to be accepting and open-minded to everything, it's hard not to get a little lost. I'm almost hesitant to write too much about Coltyn in case you married someone else. Then this would be a little awkward. But he is who I love, and the love is true, so even if it's only a memory, at least it can be a happy one. I love his soul. I love his creativity and his sense of humor and especially how gentle he is with me as I try to find myself through this time. We joke about what we want to name our kids one day and right now we've settled on Jude and Ruby. He really is my rock right now. He is selfless and loving and kind and giving and everything I could've looked for in a man I hope to marry. Right now, his dad is on hospice due to his battle with cancer, and Coltyn is having a really rough time with it. I wish that I could take away his pain or at least sympathize with him more, but both my parents, all my grandparents, and everyone I truly care for is still alive. So as much as I want to feel his pain, I truly can't. We've been bickering a lot lately but I think this pandemic and the struggles we've all faced because of it is bringing out the worst in everyone. We both know we're in it for the long haul and I pray that wherever both of our paths take us, that we wind up happy and healthy. Wherever you end up Sam, or whatever you may be facing today. There are no mistakes. You are where you're supposed to be. Your intuition never let you down before so don't doubt yourself now. You are so much stronger than you think and I pray that you aren't fighting the battles in the future that I am today. And about the past- about now, about certain ~decisons~ you made with certain ~people~, about Lex, about Markham, about everything, it doesn't exist anymore. Let it go. Breathe and remember that you have made it this far, and that is remarkable.