A letter from May 13th, 2020

To My Older Self, Over the last several days, I've been watching the teleserye titled "A Love To Last". I'm happy I decided to watch it. I never like Filipino teleseryes because over the years, most of these tv movies have always been boring and didn't have originality and actors and actresses weren't always acting their characters in the best possible way. And I liked it a lot because the storyline and the main characters, esp Anton, reminded me a lot about my own life and aspirations. It reminded of all of my frustrations and broken dreams. It reminded of all the mistakes I've committed in the past. It reminded me of the not-so-happy relationships I have with the people that matters in my life. I belong to a broken family. And even though my dad and I talk every now and then, we don't really have the best father-son relationship one can imagine. We're not even really close. And I know that deep inside of him, he's also burdened with a ton of regrets and he feels he's a failure, esp as a father. He was always proud of my sister who (admittedly) strived more, hence now have a stable professional career and have found financial stability. I know he still is secretly proud of her success and I have noticed lately, he's been pretending to not care anymore. But I know he's hurting because his daughter won't talk to her. And I'm hurting even more because of several reasons. To cite a couple, firstly, I can't get my sister to talk to him and at least help him live a more decent life by means of financial support. The other one is that I haven't been able to do the same for him. He's 70+ and he deserves a better life. But I can't provide for him because I'm a failure.. I failed him as a son and now I'm also failing as a father. My parents separated when my sister and I just were in our early 20's, even though we've already seen them often arguing when we were still in highschool. In 2009 I went thru one of the lowest and most depressing time of my life. That was when they decided to sell our house. The house where a lot of both good and bad memories were made. That house meant a lot to me growing up. It was where I learned to independent. I had no one and nothing but a couple of packs of Marlboro Lights every day to help deal with the pain. Every night I smoked a full pack of cigarette and a cried a river of tear until the morning sun starts to peek in the horizon. That was all in the past. I thought that was the hardest and most painful thing that I will have to go through in this life.. I realized I was wrong. Because what's more painful is when I look at my self in the mirror these days. I realize that the thing I've hated the most that happened to my parents, have already happened to me, in a much earlier stage in my life. I feel so sorry for my daughter, Juliana. I'm sorry you have to live with this so early in your life. And I'm sorry I'm not the best father to you like I should be. Anton's life is a reminder of all the things I do not have. My life is in fact a crazier and an adverse version. Anton is an engineer, whereas I am a frustrated engineer. Anton has a enviable career, whereas I'm struggling to make a name for myself. Anton's dad has every reason to be proud of him. I don't. And alas, Anton is financially stable and has custody of his children he dearly love, whereas I do not have any, esp not the custody of my daughter.