A letter from May 12th, 2020

dear future me, today is tuesday, i spent most of the day inside due to Quarantine. i went to Meijer with Emma, ate dinner with the fam, talked to Ronnie for the majority of the day, and watched Lucas's live stream on facetime with Soph. i technically am out of school in ten days but i'll be getting my diploma on the 31st. it really sucks missing prom and the rest of senior year. i miss Mahler, and Lucky, and the rest of my school friends. most of whom i know i'll never see again. but summer will be great. i'm planning on getting a second job, possibly with Dad or Aldi. Dad hinted at passing his business off to me. i'm not sure how to feel about that but it would definitely teach me a lot about running a business. it could be great experience. i cried today about Isaac. it's been about nine months since we broke up, but i'm not entirely over him yet. i know i will be soon but i'm not sure when. it really ******* hurts. i still have so many questions and you know how much i like answers. i called Jeriko after crying then i smoked and ate some food. i found this website on tik tok. the purpose of this letter is to remind you of how important you are. i know that right now i don't always feel that way. i hope that doesn't last forever. i'm not great at making goals but i do know how i imagine my life in five years. Goals: 1. i will be financially stable. living in a house or apartment. 2. i will own a car and pay for all expenses. 3. i will have good credit 4. i will have a close nit group of friends. hopefully some of the ones i have now but i understand life takes turns we never see coming. 5. i will be on good terms with my parents. 6. i will learn to work with my mental illness so it doesn't consume me 7. i will have never drank and/or plan to 8. i will be a real estate agent in conclusion, i have many hopes for the future. i know i can do it if i work hard and continue to work towards the life i want for myself. but mostly, i want you to be happy. having let go of the past and the things and people that have hurt you. you deserve so much better than the life i'm living now. i'm going to start building towards the life i see in the future. i am scared, still. the future has a lot of open ended answers and i am less in control. i'm excited but i still have my hesitations. babygirl, i'm hurting right now. a lot. losing Isaac lest a large gap in my heart that i'm struggling to heal. i don't know what it will take but i feel like i've tried everything. i haven't seen him since he dumped me over the phone at 1 am in August. i doubt you've seen him either. it feels like he's died. i'm not entirely convinced he didn't move and no one told me. here are some things i've learned recently and i hope you have grown from these. try to see the good in everyone. but do not be naive to malicious tendencies. you will love again. maybe not right now. but again. if you can love the wrong person so much, imagine how much you'll love the right person. families are weird. every family has issues. keep family close. sometimes you won't ever get an apology. you have to accept it. memories are just that. memories. cherish them but nothing more. your siblings are built in best friends. play nice. and lastly, i have good parents, but they aren't perfect. neither am i. love them. i love you. five years ago i didn't think i'd be here. but i am. and five years from now you'll be there. "just keep swimming" -Dory "when the world turns its back on you, you turn your back on the road" -Timon we will be okay, i promise <3 all my love, me, from five years ago