A letter from May 12th, 2020

Dear Me, I haven’t even started and I’m literally already tearing up at the thought of writing this letter, and of all of its implications about time, and relationships, and *****. 5 years, thats a long time. It’s also terrifyingly close. No offense, but I’m not ready to be 26. God, I’m 26. But I bet it’s cute on you. But still-I’m not ready. It’s May 11th, 2020 in the middle of quarantine. I hope it’s the middle at least, not the beginning. I’m sorry if this letter is like a bummer to read though, haha. And now I hope you’re laughing, which makes me cry in a sentimental way. But then thought of both of us crying right now kinda makes me laugh. There’s a lot I want to tell you, even though you know most of it, and there’s a lot I want to know, too. It seems unfair that I’m the only one that has to wait to find out. Holy ****, the clouds are incredible. If you still have all of the iPhone 6’s photos, you should look them up. I’m sitting on the roof when I’m starting this letter, though I know I won’t finish it until later, inside. There’s also a wasp but I’m being cool. We finally lost our virginity back in February, right when all of this Coronavirus stuff started getting real. I remember asking him if he felt comfortable seeing me because I had a cold and didn’t want him to think I had the virus. Now we basically can’t even leave our houses. We ****** right before quarantine and have messaged each other since but the guy and I keep missing each other’s messages. And maybe I’m avoiding some of his too. Too be fair, it wasn’t the best ***- but I try and find comfort in that. It reminds me of the scene in LadyBird where Timothee Chalamet tells Saoirse Ronan the she will have lots of bad *** in her life. Bad *** is a part of life; it’s an experience of many. And what is life but for a collections of experiences and our reactions to them? But now I’m getting philosophical. I also haven’t been responding because I can’t see him- due to miss ‘rona- which means that whatever we did would all be on Snapchat or FaceTime and I’m not crazy about that idea. Plus, I want the real thing, not just phone ***. I lost some weight recently- not a lot, probably just a few pounds- but it’s already ****** with my head more than I’d care to admit. I feel like I was just beginning to have a healthy (or at least healthier) relationship with my body image. It was most likely is a combination of the fact that I made a deal with myself that I could eat whatever I want as long as I cut out McDonald’s and Coke, which I have kept up by the way, along with the numb, depressive episodes that have occurred during quarantine. It got semi-unhealthy there for a while, but now it seems the pendulum has started to swing back, still unhealthy, just in a different way. I can’t tell if I’ve gained the weight back or if my body dysmorphia has just readjusted itself. It almost feels like a step backward in the body positivity journey. Both Karen and Mom mentioned the weight loss; I instantly tried to stop Mom from commenting on it, but once I knew that she had noticed something, all I could think about was whether or not she noticed if I gained the weight back. Karen basically tried revoking my fat card. Just a few weeks ago I had a whole moment in bed, crying happy tears because my collarbones were more prominent than they’ve ever been before. And it may be bad, but I want to keep feeling that. I’ve biked some recently, though I could stand to go more often. I finally got a stimulus check and honestly the thing I want to buy the most is a pair of roller-skates. Did we buy them? Are we any good? I wonder what your body looks like. Sorry if that seems invasive. I hope that you feel good. But if you don’t, I don’t want you to beat yourself up- you are beautiful. And ****, I’m crying again. I hope you have had a lot of ***, good and bad, but I’m definitely hoping for some great. I hope someone other than yourself has made you come. Have you had a boyfriend? Do you have someone now? Do you know what it’s like to be in love? Have you kissed any girls? Oh god- do you have a kid? I don’t even want to know. I wonder what happened with The Guy™️. He Instagram DMs me a lot. He just won’t shut the **** up and leave me alone. When he and his girlfriend first got together, there was a small voice deep in my brain that whispered “wait for him, it can’t last forever”. So, are they still together? I hope you are over him. I wonder if anything happened with any of the other guys I’ve had an interest in recently. What thoughts and emotions do the names Yan, Matt, or Ben conjure? Cesar, Nachman, Sam? Are any of them completely unrecognizable? I wish I knew the answers. I wish I just knew where to put my energy. At this point I’m back inside, and now I’m smoking and writing, which makes me think of Hemingway. Though I’m assuming he wasn’t smoking weed, but who knows- I’ll have to look it up. Mom just came in to say goodnight. We’ve been doing pretty well, her and I. Though she is a super hypochondriac, which can get on my nerves, I know she genuinely hasn’t been feeling well. We’ve been super sweet with each other. I just saw a video of a girl around my age that has corona, and she was crying through a window telling her parents how much she loves them. I can’t even imagine not being able to see my mom right now, especially if I was sick. We’ve been so cuddly with each other, and we have been trying to been very conscious of each other’s feelings, which helps when you’re stuck in close quarters with someone. I finally told her about my first kiss. To be fair we were a little drunk and high, and it has been over three and a half years, but I honestly wasn’t sure if I was ever going to tell her. I have no attention span for anything, anymore. TikTok has rotted my brain, as well as its given a platform for racism and misogyny to thrive. It’s so toxic. God, I hope thigh gaps and glorifying anorexia hasn’t come back. I hope being thick is still trendy. But TikTok is also addictive, despite the fact that it’s lost its luster. The internet has officially gotten boring. Somehow, everyone stuck at home during corona has run out of things to do, both online and in real life. I can’t wait to dance in knitting factory again. The last night we went out was the best. It was the same day that I fell down the stairs running to catch a train to an ASAP meeting at BMCC. I almost didn’t go because of it, but because it was supposed to be me, Karen, and Kassie, I didn’t want to be left out. And I’m so glad. We met this nice group of friends, including twin sisters, one of which we ended up making a TikTok with afterwards, dancing to Doja Cat’s “Say So”. I danced so hard I broke the strap of my favorite red purse that night. I can’t wait to feel the music and the press of bodies against me again, but I don’t know how long it will take until we get there. It will take awhile for it to even be safe enough, but it will take even longer until people are comfortable enough. I miss Dub Day, too. I was enjoying the camaraderie that came along with it, and the routine of it. Do you still go to Dub Day? I’ve seen Liam a few times while all of this is going on. It was Mother’s day yesterday so he was here for that. We also met at Prospect Park a few times, along with a bunch of other people. We weren’t following CDC protocol and I really hope that doesn’t come around and bite us in the ***. How is Liam? Right now he’s dating Lily. I hope our relationship with him is good, even better than it is now. Do you still see Kim at all? I’m compelled to tell you every thought in my mind at this moment, unfiltered. Describe the scene around me, as if a poet. I’m trying to be as detailed as possible, because I want you to be flooded with memories. Right now, I’m sitting in on my bed in my room at the apartment on 12th Avenue. The room is a mess but I’ve slightly redecorated it multiple times recently. I just rearranged the bookshelves and hung a few pictures. Oh, and mom gave me christmas lights which are strung around the headboard and window. That reminds me, I should turn them on, set the vibes. Your room makes you pretty happy. I’m pretty satisfied with how it is now; it’s been a sanctuary in all of this. Karen just got new LED lights for her room. I hope I get to see them not over FaceTime sometime soon. How is Karen? If we aren’t close when you read this- please go fix it and do whatever you can to reconcile the relationship. She’s literally the best- please don’t **** it up. She has short, purple hair right now. I wonder what color it is now in your time. I still haven’t died my hair. Have you? Do you have any tattoos? Stop being a ***** and get some. Cue the song “don’t be sad, go get a tattoo”. Can you remember the tune? Oooh, what major were you at Brooklyn College? Did everything go well at school? I hope so. I’m so stressed about the end of this semester. I’m acing 4 of 5 of my classes, but I haven’t even addressed my history class on blackboard, despite the fact that the semester is over in a few days. I feel like I’m cowering from my computer sometimes. My political theory class just finished the other day; you cried a little, haha, because that class was so good, and you may have had a crush on the teacher. What are you doing for work? Right now I’m working a few hours for Mari from home. I wonder if I’ll see Nazaret, Jin, and Dino in person again. I already miss lower manhattan and being there everyday for work and school. Mom and Dad said they were going to help you get a new phone for graduation. I’ve had my iPhone 6 since probably junior year of high school, so despite the fact that it’s a piece of ****, I can’t help but assign it some sentimentality. Are you writing at all? How’s the poetry sound? How does the art look? Where do you live? Did you and Karen ever move in together? No offense- but I really hope you don’t still live with mom. Are you even in New York? Did you get your license and take a road trip across the country yet? Are you living in a VW van? Did you and Karen ever get to Europe? How about Colorado? Oh you’ll like this, I’m in the middle of watching The West Wing. Though now I am that part of when we watch shows where we’re only watching for our main ship, which usually makes the rest of the show more boring. But I’m at season 4, which is said to be Josh and Donna’s season. I’ve got such a crush on Bradley Whitford. And Janel Maloney while we’re at it. I wonder where your *********’s at? Are you out as bi? Have you come to some other conclusion as to what your orientation is? Do you still feel like a fraud? I hope you’ve found some clarity, and confidence in that regard, for both our sakes. Who’s president now? I’m assuming either Trump or Biden won in 2020, both of whom make me want to eat my left foot, so I’m hoping there’s someone better in office now. Is AOC old enough? God, I just hope it’s someone super progressive and liberal. I still can’t believe this election has turned into what it has. Bernie seemed so close. How is Isa? She’ll be twelve when you get this, which is crazy because she will almost be a teenager, but it still doesn’t seem that far off. I hope you get to see her a lot and that you are close. I miss her. Mom offhandedly said that it would be years until I got to hug her again and I started weeping. I hope she’s not right. I hope Dad is doing well. We went to the movies to see Emma a few months ago and had a conversation over a few drinks after that was really nice. I hope you are still having those conversations. I’ve purposely been avoiding talking about *****, if you couldn’t tell. I keep thinking about George. He died back in November, I think, but it already feels like its been way longer than 7 months. One of my biggest fears when it comes to ***** is the fear of missing out- on my loved one’s lives, on the future of humanity, all of it. I can’t believe George died right before a global pandemic and he never knew. I’m terrified of what I’ll never know. I have a huge fear of dying in a freak accident. You better be reading this. I know it’s only five years but I’m terrified of losing the people close to me, or anyone really. ***** is so final. I don’t ever want to be in a place in my life where my parents aren’t in the world, but I know I will one day. I hope you aren’t yet. I’m 21 and I feel like my youth is already slipping away. Maybe that’s why this letter feels so frighteningly real. Corona isn’t helping. This was supposed to be my year, my summer. I was going to go to Big Dub, and the rave, Elrow. I don’t want to be 23 or 24 by the time all of this is over. I hope I’m not. I asked mom the other day if her 20’s felt like just yesterday and she reassured me that I still have lifetimes left to live. It was like she instantly knew what I was afraid of. I don’t have much more to share from my time or to ask about yours. But I hope you’re happy, I hope you have people in your life that you love and who love you. I hope you are healthy and that you are enjoying life. I hope you love yourself, because I love you. Mostly, I hope you get this- we are VERY bad at checking our emails. But hey, maybe you’ve gotten better at that. Love, Me. (P.S I’m tempted to save this letter because we both know how much I love reading stuff I’ve written in the past, but I’ll save it for you.)