A letter from May 12th, 2020

Dear FutureMe, It is May 2020 right now, and it's been a hell of a ride so far. In a couple days it will be about two months of being in quarantine because of the coronavirus. Even though seeing my friends was not daily, it was still special when I made the time to social distance. Today, May 11, 2020 I finished my first year as a college student! I know in five years you're going to read this and laugh because of how long ago it was. So here is what is/was happening: Since I started college, I have been in this serious depression, but have been trying to hide it as best as I can because I hate when people see me weak. I put on a face in front of everyone, but spend most of my nights paralyzed because of how numb I feel. I used to talk to a therapist, but I'm just giving up right now. So, I want to tell you that if you are still feeling like this in five years, you need to get help and not keep everything inside. If you have cuts on your wrists, get help. But this is more important: future me, you are beyond beautiful. This quarantine you have worked out almost everyday, ate the best you can (even though treating yo self was daily), and have done the best you can so far. You worth every second and every penny on earth, and if no one tells you that, I am here to tell you so don't skip past this part. No matter what has happened or what is happening right now, remember that no matter how bad you may, you. are. worth. it. All day and everyday. and don't ever forget it. Since January 9, 2019, I am dating Anthony Avila and am beyond blessed. And I know in five years, he's still gonna be your man. We have plans baby! Anthony is working security at St. Joseph's hospital with this virus going on. I tell him frequently, but I just love saying it. I am so proud of who he is becoming. He is turning into a man, a gentleman, and he is just absolutely amazing. He's trying to become a cop, and we're working on that, but not rushing anything. So blessed to be with him. Anthony calms my nerves, and just resets my mindset. My best friends right now are Angelica Castro and Christina Tartini. Best friends since high school and kindergarten. Angelica and I talk about marrying our boyfriends and having kids at the same time so they can also be best friends. She's dating Ben Caramico, Anthony and my best friend. He's insane but the best guy ever. He treats Angelica great, and I do hope they stay together. Christina and Matt broke up, and we will never hear the end of that, I promise you ;) But she is so supportive and loving, and will forever be my sister. Analyse Figueroa is also one of my best friends. She's a true one, and really truly deserves the best the world can offer. She deserves all her dreams and goals to come true and to be reached, and I hope and pray she enjoys college and has the best future with an amazing husband. Family life is eh. Last week, I broke up a fight between Maddie and Luke. Luke ended up punching Maddie in the nose which resulted in me throwing Luke to the ground and putting him in a choke hold until he let go of Maddie. Cracked window, blood on the floor, and then Maddie moved out. She's living with Victoria Sweetman right now, and then will be moving into Aunt Barbara's within the month. I worry about Maddie everyday. I hope she truly feels loved and accepted and that she is never alone. If she is alive by the time you get this email, then we did it Gwen :) you should be proud, and grateful for the time you get to spend with Maddie. She is one of a kind, and deserves to be loved all day everyday, no matter how far she can go in a argument. She just says it out of hurt. I love her very much. Life is hard right now Gwen, but I know that it will get better. My first year of nursing school just ended, and now I am moving to another chapter in my life. I have friends who bless me everyday and who are shaping me into the woman I am today. My boyfriend is supporting me with whatever path I take, and will love me through everything. In five years, I will be graduated, have an apartment, and possibly in the United States Navy? Still weighing heavy on my heart right now, so we will see in five years ;) Gwen, remember how loved you are, and how God is blessing you everyday even if you are unaware. Stay strong, and please get the help you need if you are still feeling this way. Your body is beautiful, and so are those gorgeous long legs bby. Keep that beautiful smile shining bright everyday, and those ocean blue eyes admiring the beauty around you. Oh. and your favorite baby name is Elena and Jayden right now ;)