A letter from May 12th, 2020

Dear FutureMe, Today is Tuesday May 12th, it is 12:23 am. It has been about 2 months since the start of the COVID-19 pandemic and I had to come home from your year abroad. Although I haven't done much during this time, it has gone by really fast. I saw this idea on tiktok... I don't even know if tiktok will be a thing by the time you get this but I saw someone do a video writing to their future self. I thought it was a good idea to do this right now because I am feeling a little confused about who I am. Being quarentined has given me a lot of time to think and do somethings that I would not normally do... During this quarentine I sent my first nude to a random guy on snapchat that I met on tinder - I have lowkey had a slight addiction to tinder - it's okay though met some really nice people. Tinder had a special feature for like 30 days where you could set your location to anywhere in the world so I got to meet people from all over. I attempted to get a match in every state but sadly ran out of time However I did match with this one guy who lives in Illinois his name is Blake - he is 21, he goes to The University of Illinois and is studying to be like an aerospace engineer or something crazy smart like that. He is really sweet and we are actually having great conversations - but I'm sure by the time you read this he will be a distant memory. We need to talk about my current mental state too, I have been feeling sad all of the time. Something that has been really pissing me off - or just making me more sad is the fact that I get so upset when these tinder guys talk me up and then leave me on delievered for hours... I literally have no right to be upset about any of it because they are not my boyfriend or anything remotely close but it just makes me so upset - I have cried 3 times tonight because Blake hasn't responded like wtf...no random guy should have that power over me I can't wait to be able to love myself enough to not rely on the opinions and comments from essentially nobodys in my life - I hate the fact that I need a man to tell me I am pretty in order for me to feel that way about myself - I really hope by the time you read this I will love myself. A lot of the time I wonder if there is something wrong with me because I can't make these guys stick around...I think the problem is the fact that I am not loving myself. I don't know...all I know is that as soon as these boys give me attention I catch feelings and I try to push them down and tell myself that I mean absolutely nothing to them but it doesn't work. Hopefully one day I will find someone who wants to stick around. I don't really know what else to say...but this has actually helped me lol I have been keeping a lot of those thoughts to myself for a long time...I hope when you read this we have found some clarity on our feelings and realized our self worth. Love your confused and sad 19 year old self