A letter from May 11th, 2020

Dear FutureMe, Hey. Happy birthday. I know you don't remember writing this at 2 am on a Sunday night, but here you are. I'm turning 25 in a few days. It's pretty anti-climatic because of the circumstances. Coronavirus and all. Also you're on antibiotics, but it's for strep not corona don't worry, baby. But yeah. Quarantine is testing you literally every second. There's a strain on every relationship. You feel afraid about everything. But it's just a lesson. The universe has been trying to teach us this lesson for a long time: Let go. Let go of control, let go of fear, let go of expectations. Take every day as it comes and just be ******* grateful. I feel big changes coming. The future isn't set in stone yet. It can go in two ways from here as I understand. Our society will find understanding; we will see each other and care; the government will change for the better, and our people will grow. Or we will have a revolution. Things cannot continue the way they have been. The hate, the greed, the lies. It will catch up, and the response will have to be even stronger. I hope it's the former. I hope you're teaching and you have a home and a family. I hope you're a sponsor. I hope you hug someone every day. I miss being touched. I miss mom. I miss Mario. I miss having friends. God, the past couple of weeks have been especially hard with Hannah's birthday and now mine. The first time in 13 years that we aren't celebrating together. I still don't know why she ended our friendship. I still regret saying I wanted to end it, too. But I know it was for a reason. I know that trifecta of loss last year had purpose. I know I'm not the best at journaling, so here's something for you to read and remember. May 2020. You're over 6 months sober. It's not easy, but it feels so incredible to be getting through this sober. If you've gotten through this without getting loaded, you can get through anything. You're on unemployment making more money than you did serving at Lucille's. You have a job as a bartender when this **** is all over. You don't know if you're going to take it. You're finishing your first semester of your teaching program at LB. You have 4 days and 5 big assignments, and then you're done, baby. You're making food for yourself and drinking more water. You think you're getting fat from it, but your hip bone is pressing against the bottom of the laptop as you type, so. I'm telling our ed voice to go get a grip until it has something nice to day. You've got one more year of insurance. One more year with Christal. Maybe you can go back once you get insurance again? You're trying to adopt a cat. It's harder than it should be. But I know that it's part of the plan. The right one will come at the right time. You don't have a lot of friends. Hannah and Phoenix were your best friends, you know, the ones you'd talk to about everything, and they're gone. They've been gone. Then you quit Lucille's and your friendships from work kinda drifted. You have Barry, who's a Pisces and is really good at it, so he's not the most dependable when it comes to needing someone. Josh, who's going through his own stuff. Natalie, who's got her life in SF, her boyfriend, her friends. Courtney, who you love to laugh with, but have a hard time really connecting with--which is probably in your head. And Alyssa, who you can talk to about some stuff but would probably choke if she knew your spiritual beliefs. btw you're a baby witch. Something else. You're so confused about your *********. The need for a label, a category--it's consuming you. But what does it matter? You're attracted to women more than men as a whole, but you really love this man, you do. And you're so attracted to him, you daydream about being married and having kids and cooking together and going on picnics and train rides. You actually caught yourself daydreaming about folding his laundry for him. You daydream about Orange Hill and the beach and waking up next to him and how it feels, how it smells when you bury your face in his chest. You think about how his cheek feels in your hand and how his hands feel on your back. He makes you feel held. You're thinking about weddings for the first time in a long time. And you're thinking about what an actual marriage would look like for the first time..ever. ... Is he the one? Can you make him happy? Speaking of marriage. You're meeting your dad's boyfriend for the first time on Saturday. You remember that? Wild. I hope it goes perfectly. Dad seems really happy. He deserves it. You're turning 30 today. Dude, that's ******* miraculous. Remember every time you almost gave up? You have a perfect track record of making it through your worst days. You didn't come this far just to come this far. Wherever you are, whoever you're with, whatever you're doing--you're doing what you know is right. You're choosing to control what you can and accept what you cannot. If no one has told you lately: I am so proud of you. I LOVE YOU.