A letter from May 11th, 2020

Dear FutureMe, Right now I'm in lockdown. I havent done my disease or plant transport flashcards and I havent read my english books and I havent done my psychology mind maps and I still have 250 of those spreadsheet things to do. I havent got a boyfriend. Ive only ever kissed someone. I feel so left behind compared to everyone else my age. I hate my body. Here, im listening to salvia palth so Im going to do a list of everything I hate: fat stomach stretch marks everywhere legs (pale, hairy, fat, stretch marks) the back of my knees have stretch marks the back of my arms have stretch marks i cant shave my ******* ****** without it looking gross and why am i even shaving it anyway noones gonna think im fit enough to go anywhere near me i hate my spotty face i hate my blackheada greasy hair triangle i ******* hate my triangle stretch marks on my ***** tiny ***** **** nipples i have a reverse thigh gap, theres so much extra **** there i ******* hate it feet are too big nails are too short and flaky **** arse - flat, cellulite, stretch marks, peach fuzz which is actualy hair back - stretch marks, rolls i hate that when i wear a bra it cuts up my fat into even more rolls fat arms double chin crusty lips skin tag on my right armpit mole on my left armpit pale skin gross eyelids **** eyebrows masssive nose fat fingers spotty neck sorry i just disabled grammarly it was being ******* annoying my stupid brain - why cant i just know things like other people why am i so awkward and why does evryone hate me lol thats such ******* typical teenager ******** why cant i let myself feel that my emotions are genuine, i always tell myself im attention seeking or making it up im so ******* scared for my english exams im not good at maths anymore im going to have to drop biology i cant self teach psychology ep is a ******* disgrace That went on a bit. I always feel like I'm on the edge of happiness. I feel like if i just did this to my body or did this with someone or got this grade i would be happy. Maybe what i am right now is happy? I wonder if ill ever stop worrying and over-thinking. I wonder if i even am overthinking or if everyone thinks like this and im a drama queen omfg im so selfish, hows addie? what does she look like? hows mum? whats dad like now? have they got a divorce or am i being dramatic? please dont show this to anyone you know I hope you don't hate me. Because i hate every other version of myself, even the one from an hour ago - she could have been revising - even the one right now - she could be revising or working out and she just ate a bunch of chocolate despite saying she was going to fast this morning to lose weight and then abandoning that plan as soon as she got hungry. I hate the me who got all 9s i hate the version of me that pretended to be depressed and pretended to **** herself because i always think shes pretending but i dont at the same time and i dont know how to accept my thoughts as valid. i hate the me who smashed a bottle at those pissups i hate the me who gets drunk and does stupid **** i hate all of them because they got me here and i dont like here i want someone to want me i want someone to think i look good and to tell me and for them to not be some random stranger on the internet i want someone to hold me at night i want someone who completely gets me who doesnt need me to explain my thoughts, who is just there for me and does what i need in the moment. i want to do that for someone. i want to take care of somoeone and hold them and find them good looking and tell them that. i want to express affection in a non-awkward way just please dont hate me wherever you are because the thought of someone in the future hating me is too much i dont want another person to hate me because dont worry i already hate myself enough i hope you're where you want to be i wonder if you got into oxford? (i didn't want to ask the year 13 me because i didn't want her to get upset if she didn't) i hope you like yourself because im not sure if its worth it to be alive if you dont like yourself i wonder if you'll be alive. please be alive god im so ******* dramatic