A letter from May 4th, 2020

Dear Jaidyn, im so sorry I kinda feel I'm realising who I am and I'm not really that arty I just "wannabe" cuz it looks cool and it just doesn't feel right inside to be arty I just feel like a giant wannabe who actually just shouldn't exist on earth I just feel like a waste of human and no one in my life truly loves me I really just wanna leave earth and never return but I feel if I take my like my mum and dad will be really sad but I want to die I just don't wanna make people sad and don't want to feel the pain or ******* myself but I'm really bad at asking for help and if I ask my mum I don't think she'll believe me and I really want help I truly do but Idk how to do it I can't call the helpline and I can't ask my mum or dad because I'm awkward and i- I just don't know how I would because I need help but don't know how to get it and my brother hates me no one loves me I just wanna hang myself and end it but I ******* CANT quarantine is just ******* me as anti social and anxious in public i am its just too had being alone i miss having that person who understood me or so i thought to months ago she told me "i don't want to be friends with you anymore your just a freak with all those fake mental health things and i never related to you i just listened for your secrets and now i have them and i can tell everyone of your crushes how ****** up u are haha" that was the last i heard of her and her "little team who would come up to me at lunch times and I'm not even going to do into that much detail but i cut myself a lot my arms were just lines and they used to hold me down in the bathroom and take pictures of my scars to show their friends (but my scars have mostly healed) and that bathroom stall was my safe space and they ruined it and i just didn't feel safe anywhere there so i ran away from school down to the small park and sat there until school ended then crept back to get picked up i did that for a while then got caught my the assistant principle at lunch time but she was nice and just told me not to do it again and she walked me back to school but i never felt the same i still cut mind you that's why i never wear short sleeved things and I'm not proud of my scars i hide them because I'm ashamed of the way i cope and I'm often told by that group of girls that their ugly etc. still don't feel myself out in public I wear makeup because I'm ugly but I still feel ugly no matter what so I stopped going out but I feel I should've now its quarantine so I have been staying up all night so I sleep in so I don't have time for breakfast and sometimes when we get Maccas I don't eat my food ii normally do tho cuz imma fat pig and I just feel I don't deserve to eat because all I want is to look like the other teens and girls on Instagram I don't know why I can't just do it it's not fair and i- just don't knowI've also had the urge to starve myself because I feel really fat and stuff cus normally I eat a lot of food more than average so I'm just cutting down. I have so much more to say but my hands are getting really tired so I might stop here but there is so much more I wish I could text but I just can't today.