A letter from May 1st, 2020

Dear FutureMe, It’s me Kaitlin. I’m 16 hehe, woahhh so you would be 21 :0 . Idk what ur life is like currently but I just want you to know we’re currently in quarentine and it’s had me thinking - I really do need to start loving and appreciating myself more. So I’ve started looking at myself in the mirror and telling myself that I’m beautiful and I don’t neeeedddd noooo mannnsss😁 Happy 21st birthday, in are you haven’t been told it yet. I might as well tell u how I’m doing now then. Well, Ruby’s my best friend right now. Last year on the 5th of March me and Jamie lost eachother. Cameron is still happening and I’m trying to stop it but I can’t I’m so lonely. Aleesha is just the best, and I started playing Roblox and sadly got addicted and met this guy called shadowmixsture who I slyyllyyy caught feelings for but like we move it’s all good bc he told me he likes me - THEN STARTED MESSAGING THIS OCEAN LEAH GIRL INFRONT OF MY FACE AND IS BEING REALLY RUDE HE KEPT ******* ME IN THE GAME. I SAID GOODNIGHHTT TO HIM AND HE SAID “k” LIKE WHAAATT WIAJQKSHKSGSJA. I hope you’re okay, I really do. It’s so weird writing to you because it’s like writing to one of my friends but then I realise you’re not in my life yet but you ARE me just not the current me it’s just really weird. Quarentine sucks, it’s the 1st Of May and im just bored af. I woke up at like 4 yesterday and didn’t go downstairs at all so mum and dad are very angry whoopsies. I’m guessing olliees gone now? I understand how hard that was for you and it hurts my heart to hear that - just a few days ago he was gonna go to a woman named Mary but she didn’t wanna buy him so he’s still with me. He doesn’t have a very nice life but I trust that you did something to benefit him, I really trust you. You’re all I got at the end of the day, friends or no friends, man or no man I still got u and ur the one and only thing coming to the grave with me. Taylor is breathing really loud rn and it’s driving me crazy - I mean it is 6 am and I haven’t slept. I don’t know how I feel right now tbh, I feel empty. I feel sad. I feel lonely. I just feel lost. I’m so angry and upset ab everything and I don’t know why. I feel unloved sometimes, unappreciated, unwanted and ugly. I know I shouldn’t feel like that at my big age of 16 but I do. I really hope you got those cute *** tattoos on ur thigh and behind ur ear ! I wonder what it’s like being 21, can you drive?? Just know if you can drive I really hope ur a good driver because I have a sneaky feeling I’m gonna b a granny driver 😬 the thing is idrk what to say rn but I just wanna type and type and type. Oh no someone’s awake AAAAAAAAAGJHWJAJ. I genuinely wanna punch Taylor rn her breathing is louder than my music like actually just shut the **** up. I really want a boyfriend, I wanna feel loved and I wanna have my first kiss fall Inlove and talk to someone. But I have to work on that with myself, I can be my own man 😎 that’s a lot better now my earphones are in JAHAJAGAJAHJSHA SHES NOW FIDGETING UGHHHHHHHHH. I wanna be Inlove, have hugs and kisses- but I’m scared. Relationships are just scary. I don’t wanna kiss someone idek how, I don’t wanna dO It with someone bc I’m just uGly like my body Is a flat plank. It’s not good. No *******, no boOTy. It’s sad. I don’t even like my face so like wtf am I supposed to do. I’m currently tryna learn manifestation, I want something to work in my life. I’m tryna build my self esteem, I’m gonna try and go on a date with myself later and write the universe a letter. Ok ik this is all really irrelevant but it feels good to be able to talk to someone this freely with no judgement whatsoever and even if u do judge ur just me 😂. I’ve been working out for a few weeks and I’m getting a boottttyyy but it’s been HARD so I hope u haven’t undone any of that. Did u get a nose job? Did u get a **** job? I hope u did I really hope u did. I’m still in the sane people chat with Alex and Aman, they’re really good guys I wish them the absolute best and I really hope we stay in contact even as a 21 year old. I don’t know what you’ve been through but here comes the cheesy beautiful parts lmaooo. Whatever you’ve been through, never forget that one person that has never left u and never will- yourself. U wouldn’t talk to ur friend like “ ur flat I hate u ur never gonna find love” —— so don’t talk to urself like that. Do ur studies kaitlin. Ur In university right? You better be I stg I didn’t do all of this for u to become a waste. You WILL be a vet and I swear it. Pinky promise?🥺 I have no idea what happened In those 5 years but if u got a bc then I’m proud. How wassss itttttttt. Have u had ur first kiss? Have u dOne iT? If he broke ur heart, I suggest u beat him up. I’ve seen you at your absolute lowest kaitlin, so just know you CAN GET THROUGH IT. Those scars on ur arm MEAN SOMETHING. Don’t ever regret them because they’re almost like a trophy to show that you did in fact make it out of the pain YOURSELF!!! You’re so so much stronger than u think and I want u to remember who u are. You are strong AFFFF, ur a bad ***** ok and never ever stop being one. You have got this, stay happy kaitlin because the right person will always come to you - it just takes time. Don’t force it please. Focus on the more important things like studies and your mental state. Be happy- please. I need you to be happy because I’ve been through so much for you to finally be happy. I know u might be going through something rn but just remember u need to be happy because sadness eats away at you and it’s the worst. I’ve experienced a life’s worth of sadness already so please just be happy PLEASE. I always have ur back, I’m here for you. Girl ur deadass the strongest person I know. You’ve been through Jamie and Ben, ur loneliness, probably ur breakup with ruby and ur possible breakup with a man. So much has happened to U since this so atleast sit down and stop reading this for a few minutes. Look back on everything you’ve been through and tell yourself there’s always ALWAYS light at the end of the tunnel - even if u have to dig to it. Please kaitlin you’re all u got and u need to realise that. If something bad hasn’t happened to u yet I think it will so be on the lookout ok. Tell ur boyfriend(maybe idk) that I love him and I’m so thankful for him being there for me and I appreciate him so very much. U better not leave bc I waited 21 years bro. Another 21 years is 42 years old and ***** just no. I’m gonna start my a levels in September and I’m really scared I don’t wanna fail. Anyways I’m wasting ur timmeeee, go out and enjoy ur birthday ok?? Please for the love of god enjoy urself and just love life because u really deserve the best. Stop looking at what u don’t have it what u don’t like and just embrace it and love it. Ur ******** ur cute af ur a BOSS *** BADASS BIITTTCCCHHHH AND NOTHING ELSE OKAY!!!!!!!! I love u so much girl, u got this. If ur happy then I’m so so happy for u but please watch out bc I feel something bad coming. If ur sad, heartbroken etc then SNAP OUT OF IT BECAUSE IM NOT GONNA BECOME A SAD LITTLE HOMOSAPIEN WHEN I COULD B PARTYING. I have so much faith in u so please don’t do drugs or get too drunk. Please!!! Have a good birthday, I love you so so much girl and u never forget that❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️Never lose urself, and keep waiting!!