A letter from April 18th, 2020

Dear FutureMe, I am writing this letter a few days before my 20th just as a way to get some anxiety out into the open. You will be opening this when you are 25 (I think) and hopefully this will be a good laugh (if you don't forget about it like the last one). I am currently listening to Innamorata by Dean Martin which is very cool background music; I feel like I'm in a teen movie. I am scared of turning 20. I am terrified. I normally love my birthday. You know that. But I am petrified of turning 20. Its slowly creeping up on me that an entire section of my life is over. I will never be a teenager again. And considering the current pandemic, it ended so abruptly I never really had the chance to prep for this change like I wanted to. 20, to me, sounds grown-up. It sounds like a 'get your **** together and move out and be an adult' grown-up. It's goodbye to my childhood, to my youth, and I am not ready. There are so so many things I haven't done yet, and as the years go on I get more and more scared that I will never be able to do them. I've never been happy with my body, I've never been in love, I've never been out of Europe. And there are so many things I want to do, and so so many scared I'm scared I will never get the chance to do. it is very alarming how quickly time has gone by. I don't like it. And from what I've been told, it only gets worse from here. I am just petrified of never being able to do everything I want. I want to live and explore but I also want security and a relationship but I want to live abroad and also have kids and the next decade is that time. The next decade ahead of me is when people meet, and get married, and have kids and move into houses and settle into life. That concept is something I fear and crave. I'm scared I'll never have it but I'm also scared to have it. How will I know for certain if I've made the right choices? do you ever really know? Billy Joel's Vienna is so fitting right now. I hope this makes you laugh and not cry. Or cry from laughter. it probably seems futile to you now, reading these stupid problems. It feels good to write it down. Izzy said it would. (i hope she's still around) I have absolutely no clue where I will be when I turn 25. I could not tell you for the life of me. I hope I'm happy, stable, and doing what I want. I hope mum and dad and Noe are all good and well too. I love you. in case no one says it to you. I love you. Look after me well.