A letter from April 17th, 2020

Dear FutureMe, You old decrepit *******. Please be alive, because otherwise this letter will have been for nothing. If you did die, and I make a joke about it in this letter, would that be in bad taste. Who cares. Right now, we're nearly done our first year of college, so now that we've learned a bit about essay structure, we're going to attempt to utilize these critical skills. Therefore, prepare for my thesis statement: I will attempt to give you context about the time and place in which I am writing this, and will then ask you a load of questions about people I want you to have *** with and things I want you to have done and people I want you to have done and things I want you to have *** with. So, it is april 17th 2020, we are in the middle of a global pandemic, it is 2am and I found a nagin of Captain Morgan in my toilet bag from college and am a little bit tipsy. I am writing this to you sitting at the kitchen table after having eaten a wrap with the chicken goujons from McCaughey's. Do you still eat those? I was watching a youtube video and mam walked in and I said "Jesus Mary and Joseph!". I didn't even have to make myself say it consciously, like we used to because we thought it was quirky. Nallo sent me a video of Madame Reynold's French class. It was very funny. She had titanium playing on the whiteboard for some reason. Firstly, did you get coronavirus, you stupid ********? I hope not, I watched a William Osman video about it and the symptoms looked unpleasant. Secondly, did you ever kiss Aoife Loome? If you at least made a move I would forgive you, but if you didn't I will invent time travel and kick the **** out of myself. Hopefully I would be able to, because hopefully you will have lost roughly 8kg and are now no longer clinically overweight. If you are still chubby, don't feel bad about it, it's as much my fault as it is yours. The truth is I'm scared, Eoghan, if that's even your real name. I'm not scared of this virus, I'm scared that when you read this things will be worse than they are now, cos they're not THAT bad, really. I wish I'd made more friends at college. I have some but not as many as other people seem to have. What was your living situation like for 2nd year btw? Did you ever have to tell mam that you weren't eligible to live on campus again? I'm scared that i'm never going to find love. I'm scared that I will never love myself enough to believe that I'm worthy of love if I ever did find somebody to find it with. Please tell me you've at least had ***. That's an important question to me right now. I understand that once you've had *** it probably becomes much less important. See that? I've got the foresight to know such things but also the self awareness to know that it still deeply matters to me no matter how much I tell myself it doesn't. I hope everyone you care for is okay, and I'm sorry if they're not. Is owl benny still kicking about,with what few toes he has left? If not, did you speak at the funeral? You thought of doing that once, which was a bit morbid. It was a ***** speech too, thank god Benny at least lived until you had a bit of cop on. Speaking of God, do you believe in one? Are you still bi? I am. Does Dad know? How did that go? ****. Any boyfriends or girlfriends? Were they fit? Or did they just have really good personalities? Hopefully both eh? Ya horny ******* ya. Are you a teacher now? Cos right now we're not entirely sure if that's the path we want to follow. If you are an english teacher, I apologise about how I've been so inconsistent with the pronouns. I think I'm no longer tipsy and now am just drunk. Are you ok? Please get help if you're not. Please also help others if you're able. Do all you can to make the world a better place for good people because right now that's what we think the meaning of life is, even if we don't really practice what we preach. I want to start doing more charity work. I'm actually doing a 5k for a cleft lip and palate foundation in a few days, even though I haven't ran in like 3 weeks. Do you remember how that went? I hope it didn't lead to your untimely demise. Okay, I think I'll end it there. I hope you get this letter and I also hope that you still have both your eyes so that you can still read it well. Do you still write poems? Are they any good?