Message from 10-11-2010

Dear Future Will, I have been putting off this letter for awhile. It's not because I'm busy, it's because there is a lot of pain to bear. I'm sorry if this brings you down. I hope you're in a better place to handle this bummer of a tale. In September of 2009, you started back as a helpdesk person with Capgemini. It was a decent job, but it lacked the pay to keep you afloat. The addition of that and an error you made with your expense reimbursement put you in a world of hurt. Every since then, money has been horrible. You already know that. With working at the main office, seeing Cira was an option again. It didn't mean seeing her everyday, but it meant a chance encounter ever so often. At that time, it was still hard to face those feelings you had for her everytime you saw her. In addition to that, you were constantly reminded how awful you can be or am capable of. The best thing that happened was when you had lunch with her. It was Taco Bell, but it was a nice chat and a realization that she isn't mad anymore. Or, that's what I thought anyway. I'd like to say it went better from there. But, you and I both know, it wasn't. After that, her and Jordan became better friends. On top of seeing her ever so often, you saw a different side of her. They became facebook friends and started chatting up a lot. They even drew pictures and she posted stuff on facebook. I was jealous. I was angry...and hurt. I wanted to know why things between us were cold. It always seemed like when I tried to talk to her she was put off. I even went as far to have Jordan ask her. I'm ashamed I did that. I'm more ashamed about the things I know and what she did. A couple of things she did is she purposefully didn't offer Comicon tickets because it would stir things up. It was quite silly, but I do understand why she would do that. I give that impression that I'm capable of stupid things like that. I also asked her flat out if we could be friends. She declined saying that our friendship turned out weird and she was socially unable to handle it. It's crazy, but again...I do understand. The last thing I told her is that I was sorry. I never got a reply or anything and it's been hard to not have any closure whatsoever. I wish I could have told her more. That I was trying really hard to make the situation better. That we could be friends again without me acting weird. I'm a little older and wiser and I know that it was wrong to have feelings for someone who is in love with someone else. I knew that all along, but I wasn't listening to myself or holding on to the rules I put in place a long time ago. And for that, I lost a great friend. I will always have to live with that. I've been trying to move on from it. But, I've done childish things since then. I posted a bunch of stuff on her questions page. She found it was me and banned anonymous accounts. That was stupid of me. I know that. I'm glad she blocked it off. The time has passed and those feelings are fading away. It's been tough but I am progressing now. People keep mentioning her and it doesn't bother me anymore. I used to be oversensitive about it because I was trying to forget her. It was silly. It's not like I can just wipe her from my memory. That would be nice, but I have to focus on when things were awesome. You know...before I went bat shit crazy. :) I've stopped talking to Jordan at this point. In reality, I don't think he's helping matters. He can be very two-faced and it's pissing me off. I'm calling this a cool down period, but so far...I think I would rather stay off of vent. The house situation is nearing a close. I still haven't decided if I should stay or go. I think I would be happier in an apartment. I don't see myself settling down and miraculously finding a woman who actually likes me for me. I'm leaning towards moving, but this house means a lot to me. It was the one thing that I did for myself for all the work I do and all the people I teach. I feel like I'm throwing that away and I will die alone never having taken care of myself. Anyway, I work at Comsys now and it's great. I work with Jerry again and it's awesome. I'm finally at a position where I have a fancy title: Server Engineer. Of all the jobs I have had, I'm finally where I want to be. Misfortune and bad luck brought me to this place. I can only hope this position changes mine around. So, when you receive this, you'll be 31. Turning 30 was tough. I had been through the worst year of my life. But, I believe that I will have resolved a lot of things that have been haunting me once you receive this message. I hope that all the pain you've endured with Cira is just a faint memory. I hope you found something you like and possibly found that special lady. To be honest, I don't think it's in the cards for you. I'm sorry, but the track record speaks for itself. I hope I make it long enough to reach this message. I have been through a lot and I'm not sure how much more I can take. I promise that I will try, health willing, to make it. It's been a long journey and hopefully it's a lot smoother this next year. Your friend in time, Will