A letter from April 10th, 2020

Peaceful right?

Dear FutureMe, If I'm right, (which I am ofc), today is your 21st birthday. Happy birthday E <3 Who'd have thought we'd get here?? I hope you are getting spoiled, by yourself, and remembering that not all birthdays are terrible :). I hope you still have your dynamos (you better, 'cause they're the bestest friends in the world), to party with, but not TOO hard, 'cause we know how that ends! At this current time, you're probably in the middle (I hope in the middle, please don't procrastinate!!), of writing your dissertation on whatever you have chosen! (I still currently think it should be about white privilege in society, but I won't be mad if you choose something better / easier to research :) ). You've nearly graduated, which is a huge achievement, and you should be extremely proud of yourself for everything you've achieved. You may even have a boyfriend by this time, but don't worry if you don't, boys are overrated ;). As I'm sitting here rn, on my bed, at 8:15pm on a Friday night, in a global pandemic where we have been in lockdown for 15 days (and I / you have been in self isolation for about 29 days), I thought I'd tell you how much I love you. 2020 so far has definitely been a rollercoaster, if you remember, March - now has been the hardest. But you are so worth it. I don't think I know anyone more worth it than you. Don't ever let anyone take you for granted. You are worth so much more than someone just picking you up and using you, but if that does happen, pick yourself up. You've picked yourself up from rock bottom before, you can do it again. With the state of the world at the minute, its easy to crawl back into that part of yourself, who doesn't actually know how much you're actually worth.. (I'm aware I've used 'worth' like 50 times but hey i'm not one with words as we both know). And even though you've done that, for those 29 (and more) days, that doesn't make you weak, or any less what you're worth (again.. I know). The point I'm trying to make is, life is continuously kicking you / us / me down, but you CHOOSE life. Everytime. And that's something to be **** proud of. Like a dandelion through the pavement, I persist. Me and mum have almost finished the fifth season of How To Get Away With ******, (hopefully you've now watched season 6 and figured out what the hell is going on!!!), and I don't think I realised until today how much of a big impact it has had on me. I don't think I've admired anyone more than Annalise Keating. I know she's fictional, but she's incredible. She has made me love myself, which hopefully works out for you because hopefully you are loving yourself more than ever. Things I love so much about you is how kind you are, which I often take as being a pushover, which we can be, but my goodness you have a big heart. And with all that loving and helping everyone else you do, letting them enter your heart, surely there's enough room for one 19 year old who just wants to be happy :). The things I thought I hated about myself / us, are the things that make us, us. The dimples in your cheeks when you smile, and your smile which can be as wide as the Cheshire Cat's when you're laughing. Your eyes which have seen so much, but still can be just as kind when you really look into them, and the creases under them when you smile just proves how much laughing you've done when you're with the right people. The way you are with the kids makes me want to be that girl everyday. I am currently a mess, but aren't some messes beautiful? I'm a work in progress, but I promise you I will work my arse off to make sure that when you receive this, you're as happy as you can be and so loved by yourself. And if you're not? Well, you've survived 100% of your worst days yet. That's 21 years worth. But if you still have your dynamos, can see the kids, have your loving family, a roof over your head, and food on the table, then that's all you need to get through the bad days. There's always sunshine if you look for it, there's always something to laugh or smile about, and there for sure is something beautiful in everyday. You were created with a perfect palette. A palette of intelligence, stubbornness, humour, passion, and beauty and lots more that I'm willing to look into myself to find, for you. I don't know what the future holds, but I will make a future, for you, for me. Love, 19 year old me x

Epilogue

about 2 years later

Dear 19 year old me,

Wow, sometimes I think past me is more wise than current me, but we are the same person so I have that wisdom somewhere ha!...

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Oleyptecml rae to ifel 1t2s my ni upsdei itaglkn yare my n,ow achgned dwon atth e,el)rtt ho(w ni 32 m’i and you. Rwost hte bset fo ilef ayre dan my it aws. Htiardby my otn urhothg capth my s2t1 e,no gnogi a asw ddecthi s‘’mdnyoa rguho ew as a me reew ertag. Htat wya any fo smtberepe adn lal it i donw yb mteh woudl ye,ra eb hte twhi niedsrf ocem eth idd cuirlgmbn uguroohtht wkno i tetill ul’odnwt. O,yu hnueog yrwr,o tbu taht idcer hbto eht fro fo su ’vei chkos ’dtno aemk tepsu, or mtihg yuo. Smsoiteem all what to eyht and htat tanw i yuo eppelo eesm nk,wo tne’ra. Of anorud uleorfs, it atth ear yera tltile are sjtu spta we yman lnitu are cottnnasly so tikhn teh atht ouy os we my ’tdndi s2t1 fmro arsneo eiraesl reteh olpepe tath. Nda uot i htat a,yre i nti’dd ecambe rdeuatga saiduilc ntsyeleni also ddrppeo. I ti i kwno i iwht leov esoonem how pu orf tnidd’ ubt ithtuow ot den aoy…g dna rtuhgoh ilve how labe a not tog fodenwun elspdpi my elif ldwuo toin bigen. Eithmlcl uor. Ni is elfi that uwodl seh vloe ecltepymlo ihm dan iths uyo my rdlow, gvrnetyihe itrhg no ujst dnheacg ivecpertpes ,me hse’. .
I 1st2 htwi niu dna ned in 2023 did ffo tghuho e,m 1:2 wetn in lyuj a i i faert kbca dagrgaintu a eyra egaadtdur my reay up. Uyo wldou so be proud. So i ma rdpou. T,dea on, my up ot wsa i gineb etchenvmiae nad fof of and a rmsak :) ggebsit wef lgoninuscle ’tsi rippetceno eht idirotaestns no a dedne ym tfrsi.
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Nddee ’tsi otu i gominv reve up whit a vlgnii nad ubt idr,e steb dicneosi enbe tmieh,llc eht. Wgnriit a it teh nda ti in iedd was re,ay ihtrg u,htr a srittoiaedns of lot ieddml slta ym choks adn rddagan. Eh yuo lpcoeu naaywy fo twoer freta a hisw ot ahd hmsotn lla i i htat ondtluc’ tnoi tefar hmi itivs imh og el,rtte uoy owdokln,c see a og oecm ot yuo culod eltl yuo tou utb ta dan eho,m and. Back bda i( yuo lil)w, evirnsue has nowk efel dt’on os yrou the.
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Tlle isthgn i ihsw i uyo locud that tseher. Odrpu oyu of woh leki i am. Hsiw oyu altre in the owh 4 kedrin ot i mntmeo sarye ateidsn i swa of. I tbu hnaeigl mioreps ,uyo i ma. I e,ebn to us of htseo swa oru fesrluo i ylmfes on ot wadrin thna gnbei to hlae rnein cihdl hale ma i todn’ ma orfm kl,ie atrps beodrb slfemy vhae evre dan thta ew rdienk iwgnork. Thrreob tuo cbeesua ew sihngt haev dna dna ’id thsi telitl i dfnou bitdrayh a o,wn heedlp as rfaet s(ye gwiritn wlle no ncyurrtel ’mi epwnhes we anert’ thrig oru am uory and t!rt,)l!ee gigon a 4 onipgm bit as snicee th13 shnpeew. I on tath is gnwkoir but ma eiotgmhsn. No ew shit am i bsdiarnuoe os urth htta inorgkw lfee tndo’ naomyer. To iynbsilrepisto uro itsctxapneeo not ont of ot osru aer teyh poesepl hldo torhe aeld si wthi s,u ti. Olt a dna atht i uryo’e nihldog fo kwon. Ohste mi’ yuo ykoa s’ti upt to iegllnt wodn intsgh. Ykoa s’ti saoipdnipt elvo ouy to people. Cusabee thrie ysuro fli,e ’sti t’is ont. Lhduos aesuebc teh ’uhtosndl lgivin on noe oyu rty’hee twah sah not eltl oyru eilf adn uyo lees itayaccp to ongdi be. Eesntwsis tawh ot htta rielyat ot eoury’ era rouy iacssoerces gndoi aer lal tyhe. Em tohginn amrttse. Wuldo have evha llwi kb,ca ueesirnv ti yrou teh if it helovs’ud naedpeh,p. Posrmie trhgouh dema nya isoenscdi tsrif cmelliht h’atenv atht and frmo ti (ratap i tknihnig outhitw you i yufll. . Who ucsae gihft nca v)e?ol. Lal of fo drnfeis ownk yanmods i be uyllo’ iwth iebng eht uot su no sith eerttl txeyrifehapd nto. Ouy ’tcan in feli itshgn sith utb ferco. Ofr teorh dgoo od’nt were eyth ahce doog yhe’ert heyt ofr ,us it nto tub nowk nto. Ear ihrednifsp you peyt dan os mreo os humc evgin much rae ceedveri ouy erwe othrw retteb of you nhta adn wtha and loev the. Asw oot ays ot end meco the enbig snmoda,y hchwi( to ldolfweo siwh ot us on suabeec ethn deaowll o,ut atwh pirdensifh na i btu na nwhe edn het dna ldmaeb our irsolneypat tctaka ohces tcu igsnth to si ti eorth iuwhott docul ear uroy i yhte awwkadr em) eyht it. Tgnkihni tvee’hy lal eur’yo owthr ton o’eyvu leeppo oslt are wrldo, uyo ikle hte whotr era uoatb adn sanntises you wnhe of si sbceuae hwti utb none het adtetre. Hte yslf,me you, gnebi worhty pnsed to nad i dyas enitdn truefu in of us my.
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Ry,ors mi’.
Em, pelaes eorfgiv.
Uyo, atkhn.
I oevl you.
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Elvo,.
X em lod aery 23.

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