A letter from April 10th, 2020

Peaceful right?

Dear FutureMe, If I'm right, (which I am ofc), today is your 21st birthday. Happy birthday E <3 Who'd have thought we'd get here?? I hope you are getting spoiled, by yourself, and remembering that not all birthdays are terrible :). I hope you still have your dynamos (you better, 'cause they're the bestest friends in the world), to party with, but not TOO hard, 'cause we know how that ends! At this current time, you're probably in the middle (I hope in the middle, please don't procrastinate!!), of writing your dissertation on whatever you have chosen! (I still currently think it should be about white privilege in society, but I won't be mad if you choose something better / easier to research :) ). You've nearly graduated, which is a huge achievement, and you should be extremely proud of yourself for everything you've achieved. You may even have a boyfriend by this time, but don't worry if you don't, boys are overrated ;). As I'm sitting here rn, on my bed, at 8:15pm on a Friday night, in a global pandemic where we have been in lockdown for 15 days (and I / you have been in self isolation for about 29 days), I thought I'd tell you how much I love you. 2020 so far has definitely been a rollercoaster, if you remember, March - now has been the hardest. But you are so worth it. I don't think I know anyone more worth it than you. Don't ever let anyone take you for granted. You are worth so much more than someone just picking you up and using you, but if that does happen, pick yourself up. You've picked yourself up from rock bottom before, you can do it again. With the state of the world at the minute, its easy to crawl back into that part of yourself, who doesn't actually know how much you're actually worth.. (I'm aware I've used 'worth' like 50 times but hey i'm not one with words as we both know). And even though you've done that, for those 29 (and more) days, that doesn't make you weak, or any less what you're worth (again.. I know). The point I'm trying to make is, life is continuously kicking you / us / me down, but you CHOOSE life. Everytime. And that's something to be **** proud of. Like a dandelion through the pavement, I persist. Me and mum have almost finished the fifth season of How To Get Away With ******, (hopefully you've now watched season 6 and figured out what the hell is going on!!!), and I don't think I realised until today how much of a big impact it has had on me. I don't think I've admired anyone more than Annalise Keating. I know she's fictional, but she's incredible. She has made me love myself, which hopefully works out for you because hopefully you are loving yourself more than ever. Things I love so much about you is how kind you are, which I often take as being a pushover, which we can be, but my goodness you have a big heart. And with all that loving and helping everyone else you do, letting them enter your heart, surely there's enough room for one 19 year old who just wants to be happy :). The things I thought I hated about myself / us, are the things that make us, us. The dimples in your cheeks when you smile, and your smile which can be as wide as the Cheshire Cat's when you're laughing. Your eyes which have seen so much, but still can be just as kind when you really look into them, and the creases under them when you smile just proves how much laughing you've done when you're with the right people. The way you are with the kids makes me want to be that girl everyday. I am currently a mess, but aren't some messes beautiful? I'm a work in progress, but I promise you I will work my arse off to make sure that when you receive this, you're as happy as you can be and so loved by yourself. And if you're not? Well, you've survived 100% of your worst days yet. That's 21 years worth. But if you still have your dynamos, can see the kids, have your loving family, a roof over your head, and food on the table, then that's all you need to get through the bad days. There's always sunshine if you look for it, there's always something to laugh or smile about, and there for sure is something beautiful in everyday. You were created with a perfect palette. A palette of intelligence, stubbornness, humour, passion, and beauty and lots more that I'm willing to look into myself to find, for you. I don't know what the future holds, but I will make a future, for you, for me. Love, 19 year old me x

Epilogue

about 2 years later

Dear 19 year old me,

Wow, sometimes I think past me is more wise than current me, but we are the same person so I have that wisdom somewhere ha!...

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23 espudi cdahnge ni pelyeclomt t12s ni ot ym ym uyo tath and ’mi own, yrea laigntk ear eifl r)ltete, o(wh nwdo. Feli my and fo ayre wtors best it asw the. Thhuogr hougr eewr my was oen, my a gngoi sa tphac tno dasnyom’‘ dicethd a st12 ew iabyrdht me eargt. I ti rtsepebme ulwdo cemo nad tath nwok hte ayw ondw tihw tmeh ttllei dnfseir all eb ey,ar of i nay ldowt’un by the cbrminlug did truoghtohu. Ro htta ouy, akme otn’d rfo us su,tpe you hcoks icrde eth v’ei yrro,w tmigh tbho hognue of utb. Adn own,k rtan’e to ttha tyeh essmmeito esme i peolep yuo tawn thwa lla. Ayre 21ts eht o,relsfu ouy noltaytnsc taps letitl omfr thta are lntiu are ppoele i’dntd sjtu are tnhik fo lisaere hteer ahtt ti my so nuodra ynma thta we enorsa os we. Bcmeea thta soal ynselneti eyr,a in’tdd dan rpdedop i iasuidcl i adgarute out. A htwi toin my i it ot tno owh …goay veli up truhogh olve gto utb lfei nbige eabl i luwdo nwok adn end tndi’d rfo who lppdise mseoneo itthuow wonfuend i. Imecthll uor. Yeivthgrne ym hcngade ghtri in jtus vole d,orwl mhi ahtt telmlpyoec on vsrteecppie ’esh ifle shit ,em hes si ouy udwol nda. .
Raye tdaeudagr rtaef i ohghtu jylu duangatrig st21 fof a 2302 in e,m end 21: uni ddi bakc ni twhi i my dna i a ayre pu twne. Oyu drupo so eb lodwu. Rudpo ma os i. To no :) ewf krmsa egigtsb nda clslognnieu aoinirtsedst i enedd wsa nbige fo de,at nmheceivate a and the ym a my ffo sti’ pu risft ,no ctniepopre.
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The uto ,hmitelcl e,rid utb pu best ihwt neded i i’ts idsiceon gomnvi bene vilngi rvee and a. Cohsk ddie itiwrgn grtih ti a and rtu,h it teh ey,ra gdnaadr fo a ym nad airdnstitseo dldiem tlo aws ni tsla. Eatfr oyu atth tlert,e him dculo whis oyu tell dna of dnutc’lo tnio og see onldkwco, tvsii lla a you msotnh raeft i ot mhi ohme, adn at eolpuc uot yywnaa utb come eh oertw i a ot og adh yuo. Het yuo has (i bad ’tond so yrou lefe nwko veiuresn ackb l,w)il.
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Thta i hsitng uyo loduc letl i whsi htsere. Hwo like ma of uropd i yuo. Tmmeon you hwis hte in wsa krendi laert of how 4 seayr ietdans i to i. Epsimor ,you inaghle ubt i ma i. Dna liek, i bbdero rgnkowi fo othes elyfsm to uroflse irkden ew am nrien ’ntod reev that ehla rspta bgeni ot rmfo on i ldich tanh awrnid am saw ,bnee i our ot alhe smfeyl aveh us. Ew rhetobr fundo our traef i rihtg itb nda lpeehd (yse nciees nitghs isht hdityabr seenphw abecesu ’im ,rttl)e!e! am ,nwo whnspee uoyr dan ryrnucelt h1t3 a adn lwle on d’i hvae as a 4 twigirn we era’tn itltle niggo out sa gmpino. No gsohmitne i tub orwking ma si ttha. Am on’td urodbaisne ttah htis we on so hrtu i moynrae koigrnw feel. It htwi ot ottnecepixas nto not srbneyspltiioi of is to elopesp lhod eald ohret rou are s,u uors ethy. Tol i konw of a ttha eoy’ur nda dnihgol. Ot stghni utp ’its wnod ehots im’ oyu iltnleg oayk. Eovl tpnpaoiids ’its eopple you ot kayo. Ouysr scebuae sti’ otn ifl,e ethir sit’. Etyh’er on nliigv wtha lhudso lodusnh’t diogn dna you be iefl letl ont yccpatia oryu to uyo the ash neo eles eueabcs. Elyrtai rou’ye rea all cesscoreais aer ot hwta eiwstsesn atht yoru ot niodg htye. Tmteras itongnh me. If it udolw wlil oyru vahe ehav eht ,kacb hudveslo’ ephdnepa, nieresuv it. Srtif i iuthowt rosepmi ttha lhcmltei hrthogu p(atra diceinsos i nad fulyl hngitink morf ayn it uoy eamd ’nvhtea. . How gthif aecsu lv)e?o nac. I ihts kown us fo eb frnside eltetr het rfdepexthiay htiw fo negib loy’ul uto on all otn yosadmn. At’nc in focer tinghs but feli you tish. Rof heca tno yteh ,su it ogod tbu ofr othre ownk etyh ewre tn’do dgoo ont hye’rte. Mero so irshdnifep rea eht hmcu hnat cumh iengv erwe eedvcrie oyu you and ytep hwta aer adn uyo owhrt lveo fo nda os ebrett. Enhw ohuittw odaelwl wawdkar ecasbue ledlfowo ,tuo ohtre ned ot ot m)e sya attcka tcu ihenfirdsp ti to wtah an ot oecsh htey nos,amdy udocl dlameb uro rae irlsoayenpt si i hetn oemc het too genbi btu whis hte ntihgs ti dna saw hety i an yuor wihh(c su den no. Otsl dan aer ighintkn eu’voy eh’tevy teh dro,wl ton keil batuo reo’yu rtetdae eeubasc het ouy fo si nssianset ear lla poeepl ortwh enon nehw hwti horwt tub ouy. I pnesd my trfeuu iegbn ytowrh ni eth nda l,emsfy ientnd of uyo, dsay ot su.
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Yrrs,o mi’.
Aepels gifrveo e,m.
Nkhat ,yuo.
I yuo love.
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Ve,ol.
Aery dol em 23 x.

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