A letter from April 10th, 2020

Peaceful right?

Dear FutureMe, If I'm right, (which I am ofc), today is your 21st birthday. Happy birthday E <3 Who'd have thought we'd get here?? I hope you are getting spoiled, by yourself, and remembering that not all birthdays are terrible :). I hope you still have your dynamos (you better, 'cause they're the bestest friends in the world), to party with, but not TOO hard, 'cause we know how that ends! At this current time, you're probably in the middle (I hope in the middle, please don't procrastinate!!), of writing your dissertation on whatever you have chosen! (I still currently think it should be about white privilege in society, but I won't be mad if you choose something better / easier to research :) ). You've nearly graduated, which is a huge achievement, and you should be extremely proud of yourself for everything you've achieved. You may even have a boyfriend by this time, but don't worry if you don't, boys are overrated ;). As I'm sitting here rn, on my bed, at 8:15pm on a Friday night, in a global pandemic where we have been in lockdown for 15 days (and I / you have been in self isolation for about 29 days), I thought I'd tell you how much I love you. 2020 so far has definitely been a rollercoaster, if you remember, March - now has been the hardest. But you are so worth it. I don't think I know anyone more worth it than you. Don't ever let anyone take you for granted. You are worth so much more than someone just picking you up and using you, but if that does happen, pick yourself up. You've picked yourself up from rock bottom before, you can do it again. With the state of the world at the minute, its easy to crawl back into that part of yourself, who doesn't actually know how much you're actually worth.. (I'm aware I've used 'worth' like 50 times but hey i'm not one with words as we both know). And even though you've done that, for those 29 (and more) days, that doesn't make you weak, or any less what you're worth (again.. I know). The point I'm trying to make is, life is continuously kicking you / us / me down, but you CHOOSE life. Everytime. And that's something to be **** proud of. Like a dandelion through the pavement, I persist. Me and mum have almost finished the fifth season of How To Get Away With ******, (hopefully you've now watched season 6 and figured out what the hell is going on!!!), and I don't think I realised until today how much of a big impact it has had on me. I don't think I've admired anyone more than Annalise Keating. I know she's fictional, but she's incredible. She has made me love myself, which hopefully works out for you because hopefully you are loving yourself more than ever. Things I love so much about you is how kind you are, which I often take as being a pushover, which we can be, but my goodness you have a big heart. And with all that loving and helping everyone else you do, letting them enter your heart, surely there's enough room for one 19 year old who just wants to be happy :). The things I thought I hated about myself / us, are the things that make us, us. The dimples in your cheeks when you smile, and your smile which can be as wide as the Cheshire Cat's when you're laughing. Your eyes which have seen so much, but still can be just as kind when you really look into them, and the creases under them when you smile just proves how much laughing you've done when you're with the right people. The way you are with the kids makes me want to be that girl everyday. I am currently a mess, but aren't some messes beautiful? I'm a work in progress, but I promise you I will work my arse off to make sure that when you receive this, you're as happy as you can be and so loved by yourself. And if you're not? Well, you've survived 100% of your worst days yet. That's 21 years worth. But if you still have your dynamos, can see the kids, have your loving family, a roof over your head, and food on the table, then that's all you need to get through the bad days. There's always sunshine if you look for it, there's always something to laugh or smile about, and there for sure is something beautiful in everyday. You were created with a perfect palette. A palette of intelligence, stubbornness, humour, passion, and beauty and lots more that I'm willing to look into myself to find, for you. I don't know what the future holds, but I will make a future, for you, for me. Love, 19 year old me x

Epilogue

about 2 years later

Dear 19 year old me,

Wow, sometimes I think past me is more wise than current me, but we are the same person so I have that wisdom somewhere ha!...

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Ngadceh mi’ ot ho(w and oyu st21 32 in upesdi leif ym aklgitn year htat ni rl,t)tee my aer wodn n,wo omelytelcp. Saw rwost ti eray of dna my btse het leif. Msnd’o‘ya ym egtra a dcthedi ew gouhr sa htapc me e,no a aws goign ont s12t wree my byitdarh urhgtho. Tpserbeme nay teh hte lal nwdo glbnmcuir it nda that way ceom eb i ddi i tlwo’dnu lwduo dnirefs fo by tihw nkow aeyr, turtohghou elltit tehm. Of yuo y,ou decri csohk tohb hgitm or akme ofr atht ,uepts ’tdno tbu su hte evi’ rwro,y eguhno. Ouy esitesmmo nad eoplpe to w,onk etyh all i smee tath thaw nawt er’nat. It era ttha fo the so atht aer eethr rae you we leasire ew htkin tpsa tlilet jtsu my morf tclntoyans ttha so yaer tluin 12st ddit’n many oeelpp duarno eroasn uesfr,ol. I nad asol lenesytni uto amebec gaurdtea taht roppdde sudiaicl i tid’nd y,are. I twhi nad nomsoee i veol tion owh nwko a not lipdpes twiutho wuold go…ay eigbn ntd’di ot ubt flei edn eufowndn it live lbea i my pu got ohw ofr rhtuohg. Ruo clemihtl. My no in cemloeptyl him trghi nad you she si dhncgea ihst es’h ielf tsuj ieecpvprtse loev e,m nvhtyeierg luwdo that rwo,ld. .
A ffo a i did lyju newt tfear dna atugadgrin twih ni up den 2:1 ym 3220 i year t2s1 i in kabc yrea uin thugho em, grautdaed. Oyu be dporu os wludo. I ma udorp os. Tis’ a eth pinertceop to ym on up my cllonngseiu adn ): etsgigb fof dtinirtaeoss i ,etad of a benig and o,n eeddn few rkams cehamtveine saw ritfs.
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Ithw a die,r been neciodsi mlectli,h nivlig stbe i nedde out sit’ rvee up hte dan gomvni tub. Ym itrhg wsa of and eht rea,y nrtsiiseotad it hurt, shokc dedi rtiiwgn rddaang lto a in ldiemd it nad a slat. Ttah viist e,teltr clopue ayawyn og wrteo hmi imh afetr ’nltudco letl you a a cmoe i ees oyu adn dan i dha fo all out ouy tnohsm wshi odlcu go oyu ot ot m,eho ta dnlc,oowk eh utb etfra nito. Hsa fele )wll,i oury you konw kcab resevnui adb eth i( os ntdo’.
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Uoy i i whis ltle herste dcolu htnisg ahtt. Rpduo i hwo uoy am fo leik. Wihs ni rysea eralt 4 het nrkeid mmeont aws ot sdeiatn i oyu i woh of. O,uy ma i utb emiosrp i nhgleai. Diclh rienn adn fo i rfom dno’t ma floseru hael ot sehto we reve i to uro ot ,enbe us iebng on redbbo srtap drknie flsmey tahn i aelh wraidn lfesmy owkrgin lki,e asw ma atht vahe. Teiltl esaecub dna hvae d’i impong we dna 1ht3 edhlpe ndouf tibyarhd 4 t!rtel!)e, psehwne ew rerboth hits out seneic nad ibt se(y turcynrel oingg ewll oruy im’ as ghtir rou i gitirwn ma a o,nw a no teraf ’netra hsgtni swneehp as. I taht on gtiemshon ngkwori is btu ma. No eefl asuodebinr meayonr sthi rthu we so oikngwr i ttha td’on am. Ldea our rea u,s otn rsuo tyeh oepesaxctnti tohre nto it ot plespoe nbpyiisloetsri fo to tiwh lodh is. Dolnghi eryou’ of kwno adn ttha i tol a. Tpu thisng oyak wndo ouy to ’its mi’ lgltien steho. Kyoa sppiadoint you elpeop elvo to its’. Rieth sti’ ton ebcaesu ysuor ,leif ’tsi. Dhslou noe on oyu ash not to ndoig and sele awth eb holsd’tun atacyicp ruoy uoy igvlni ’yheetr het scbeuea eltl ilfe. Lritaey rea to ’uoery ccasseorise eyht all thta rae yoru seesstwni htwa to oidgn. Emtstra em inthong. Vhea sverunie will eavh it akbc, hlovds’ue ndpa,epeh yoru fi teh wuodl ti. Tinikhng you i tnveah’ toihwtu lyulf tclmeihl siftr i considsie nad nya ttah it rfmo edma a(ptra ospriem ugohtrh. . ?)oelv tigfh saeuc woh nca. Fo su drifsen wokn hte sthi ton all fo on out binge nymosda i lloyu’ lrette iwht eb dirfyaptexhe. Yuo tnihgs lfei but this in ercfo can’t. It for ,us for nto eyth gdoo ty’rehe thye ont tn’do odgo etroh ubt ecah were okwn. Os are adn os niveg rttebe dna peyt edcierev hte hnat uyo mchu wotrh fo erew htaw uyo ear levo uoy orem hmcu ihedpfisrn nad. Out, i to ot teh yeth eth siwh ot den and ewhn heiidrfsnp ot rae edn i yoru anyrpleoits emoc ys,oandm an ti wtah i(hchw oto teorh oru utowiht htye us shingt it say na hocse ttakac on ldewoolf aesebcu ibgne amedlb coudl tub then wwakrad dwoaell is em) uct swa. Esssantin fo ouy eoplep ue’ryo aobut derttea eth ubt wiht and ntngikhi nnoe vo’uey is lodr,w hnew hotrw lla rea eikl hrwto the ouy ear tevhey’ eausecb sotl ont. Ym of us in the i ot wroyht tureuf nda ,you fs,myle nbieg itednn adsy edpsn.
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M’i o,rrsy.
Vioerfg e,m eelaps.
Ktnah oyu,.
I uyo elov.
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Veo,l.
X em yera dlo 23.

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