A letter from April 10th, 2020

Peaceful right?

Dear FutureMe, If I'm right, (which I am ofc), today is your 21st birthday. Happy birthday E <3 Who'd have thought we'd get here?? I hope you are getting spoiled, by yourself, and remembering that not all birthdays are terrible :). I hope you still have your dynamos (you better, 'cause they're the bestest friends in the world), to party with, but not TOO hard, 'cause we know how that ends! At this current time, you're probably in the middle (I hope in the middle, please don't procrastinate!!), of writing your dissertation on whatever you have chosen! (I still currently think it should be about white privilege in society, but I won't be mad if you choose something better / easier to research :) ). You've nearly graduated, which is a huge achievement, and you should be extremely proud of yourself for everything you've achieved. You may even have a boyfriend by this time, but don't worry if you don't, boys are overrated ;). As I'm sitting here rn, on my bed, at 8:15pm on a Friday night, in a global pandemic where we have been in lockdown for 15 days (and I / you have been in self isolation for about 29 days), I thought I'd tell you how much I love you. 2020 so far has definitely been a rollercoaster, if you remember, March - now has been the hardest. But you are so worth it. I don't think I know anyone more worth it than you. Don't ever let anyone take you for granted. You are worth so much more than someone just picking you up and using you, but if that does happen, pick yourself up. You've picked yourself up from rock bottom before, you can do it again. With the state of the world at the minute, its easy to crawl back into that part of yourself, who doesn't actually know how much you're actually worth.. (I'm aware I've used 'worth' like 50 times but hey i'm not one with words as we both know). And even though you've done that, for those 29 (and more) days, that doesn't make you weak, or any less what you're worth (again.. I know). The point I'm trying to make is, life is continuously kicking you / us / me down, but you CHOOSE life. Everytime. And that's something to be **** proud of. Like a dandelion through the pavement, I persist. Me and mum have almost finished the fifth season of How To Get Away With ******, (hopefully you've now watched season 6 and figured out what the hell is going on!!!), and I don't think I realised until today how much of a big impact it has had on me. I don't think I've admired anyone more than Annalise Keating. I know she's fictional, but she's incredible. She has made me love myself, which hopefully works out for you because hopefully you are loving yourself more than ever. Things I love so much about you is how kind you are, which I often take as being a pushover, which we can be, but my goodness you have a big heart. And with all that loving and helping everyone else you do, letting them enter your heart, surely there's enough room for one 19 year old who just wants to be happy :). The things I thought I hated about myself / us, are the things that make us, us. The dimples in your cheeks when you smile, and your smile which can be as wide as the Cheshire Cat's when you're laughing. Your eyes which have seen so much, but still can be just as kind when you really look into them, and the creases under them when you smile just proves how much laughing you've done when you're with the right people. The way you are with the kids makes me want to be that girl everyday. I am currently a mess, but aren't some messes beautiful? I'm a work in progress, but I promise you I will work my arse off to make sure that when you receive this, you're as happy as you can be and so loved by yourself. And if you're not? Well, you've survived 100% of your worst days yet. That's 21 years worth. But if you still have your dynamos, can see the kids, have your loving family, a roof over your head, and food on the table, then that's all you need to get through the bad days. There's always sunshine if you look for it, there's always something to laugh or smile about, and there for sure is something beautiful in everyday. You were created with a perfect palette. A palette of intelligence, stubbornness, humour, passion, and beauty and lots more that I'm willing to look into myself to find, for you. I don't know what the future holds, but I will make a future, for you, for me. Love, 19 year old me x

Epilogue

about 2 years later

Dear 19 year old me,

Wow, sometimes I think past me is more wise than current me, but we are the same person so I have that wisdom somewhere ha!...

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My deuips egacdnh aer tlakngi 1st2 in ni to 23 n,ow flie etrt),el dna lpeymeotcl ’mi my htat ndwo ouy raey ohw(. Hte dna owrst estb arey ym it aws iefl of. Swa ruhgo ts21 we sa ym ddhietc ym one, a yitbhard aretg gnoig md’oy‘nas hgouthr otn me ahctp a reew. Teh trpbeseme be onwtl’du ugurhototh idd uwldo htat y,are risefdn owkn mthe tiltel ti i htwi mcoe awy of bunclmirg eth wond i all any yb nda. Orf idrce hatt maek ouy hte owy,rr you, boht dotn’ sokch ihgtm ro heonug ubt ,utpes of su iv’e. All htta thwa you onwk, leeopp to itemesoms i seme antw t’rane ythe nad. Ntliu eray atht nkiht era ltltie ew nanycstlto nd’tdi os htat ew you het rudoan fmor fo ym 1t2s os rea tujs eloepp ehetr pats eelrsia ti snraoe yman rea eor,fuls atth. Siadiucl tnlesniey ,year nad i eodrpdp uot geauadtr tath emcabe alos i ditnd’. Dne ot piledsp ovel pu ubt ti veil not ym nad onkw elfi how i ddi’tn i g…yao lbea niot nbige oduwl owh towhuti ihwt a eosenom uwenfdno ofr i gto guhorth. Imlthlce oru. Ehs doulw yehteigrvn elfi vsppeirteec yuo stju ehcgnda hritg oevl e,m dna no ’ehs wdrlo, that ni iths is etcolylepm hmi ym. .
Tafre me, i off a 2302 eayr did :12 adn gdunairatg hwit in nui arddgutae acbk in up i ntew a ned my ohthgu yujl i 21ts eary. Be rupdo so ouy oudwl. Dpour i ma os. Ipncrepoet and to i a n,o ritfs nda ): ’sit fo ym swa my wef ,dtea nddee tortaisnsied pu mhteeceniva nelnoglisuc iebgn on the ffo a rksma iesgtbg.
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Nigivl eevr a wthi desoicni mgniov st’i ended ir,de tub uto the up cte,lmlhi etsb nbee i and. ,hrtu lto my dagnrad of itwrgin chosk tasl dna it ddlemi swa rhigt deid nad ti a in a eth tiioanstdsre r,eya. Dah atth eh to at iivts a uyo mtsnoh lla btu meoc tfaer uoy i dna dan noit leupoc a imh to of rafte home, t’ulnodc i ltle rewot you yaawyn ouy go lr,tete shwi ,onlcowdk og see tou him oclud. Adb i( has elef irnuseev os onwk iwl)l, bkca het uyo uryo o’ndt.
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I tgnhis i ttha whsi uyo tell ldocu ehrset. Ohw you fo am urpdo elki i. Nemtmo aretl wsih 4 ot who esayr drnkei i tiaedns i asw hte fo in uoy. Imespor i ouy, am ialgehn i utb. Gnieb rbbeod nrien aveh ahle ahnt su krnide uro i ’otnd i fo i flrusoe ot was be,ne srpat ma slfemy from arnidw dan oetsh heal dchli ew to am lefysm ginkorw ot no that ,leki evre. Escnie ew dan ibadrhyt gihnst llwe a uot nespehw sey( we iggno hirgt a rwtgini htsi 4 ltleit aeftr ldephe i as bit lrtcuynre adn herotrb avhe h31t seaeubc d’i sa dna mi’ ,nwo rou ngiomp ma uoyr ’rante r!t!tee)l, dofnu ewhensp no. Ma btu eoitgnhms gkirnwo on i that si. Tdn’o bourainsde hutr sthi elfe we so gkriown oanmyer i am tath no. Oru of rsesnyiltoibip ihtw usro ont to su, pleoeps dlho cetxnsipeota ti otrhe are eyth lade ot not si. Ahtt i yuro’e a of igdlohn otl wokn dan. Snghit to im’ sehot wdno nglltei oaky ptu yuo it’s. Oevl soanidpipt lpopee it’s yoak you to. I’st t’is ehirt nto cbauees ysruo el,if. To rouy neo eb uhdols what adn sah seel lief lvngii no nto bacseeu dongi ohun’ltsd llte uyo uoy ’eyterh hte icaatycp. Ear latyire to all ndiog wtah rae eitsensws ryuo uo’rey atht ot tyeh sesieocarsc. Tngihon tamrets em. Evensuir ,kcab ph,naedpe het hudlov’es it uryo fi have dwuol it will vhae. Ftsir i kntghnii it i hnvte’a taap(r meirspo fulyl yan fmro adn hllectim otwuith ouhrgth you ahtt adem ocindssie. . Ucase )elo?v fhgti nca how. Su tetler lla loluy’ on hte sthi sdfrien of pxreefyhdita ton onkw of i be out ithw bineg sonmyad. Ni ubt ecofr yuo ’actn snhtig shit elif. Reth’ye odgo nwko rfo su, heyt htye ewre ogod caeh otn ont fro d’ont rehto tbu it. Rae os ypet irdcevee terebt egivn emor reew eth hatn so oyu fo yuo hwat aer adn iepnisrhfd nad yuo hotrw humc vole chmu nda. Lcuod too era iwuotth on blmaed asy nde ocem an fsdhiierpn is ut,o i it oyur )em tcu msadn,oy nisthg dfwloeol to to to our ehcos othre aleodwl na nad aws hic(wh to ethy het dne eyht ti btu eltripsayon whne enibg i ecsubae hwat us shwi wwrakad htne takact the. Otsl rae nseiatnss owthr of ngiinhtk youve’ het you he’vyet wro,ld enon datreet dna si hte ear y’euor ehnw tno tuoab beaceus ubt htorw wthi all ikle opelpe you. Tfurue dna idtnne enbgi npsed o,yu in the ytowhr l,emyfs us to syad my i of.
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Sryor, m’i.
,em paslee ieofgvr.
Tnkah y,uo.
I evol ouy.
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,vleo.
Em odl eayr 23 x.

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