A letter from April 10th, 2020

Peaceful right?

Dear FutureMe, If I'm right, (which I am ofc), today is your 21st birthday. Happy birthday E <3 Who'd have thought we'd get here?? I hope you are getting spoiled, by yourself, and remembering that not all birthdays are terrible :). I hope you still have your dynamos (you better, 'cause they're the bestest friends in the world), to party with, but not TOO hard, 'cause we know how that ends! At this current time, you're probably in the middle (I hope in the middle, please don't procrastinate!!), of writing your dissertation on whatever you have chosen! (I still currently think it should be about white privilege in society, but I won't be mad if you choose something better / easier to research :) ). You've nearly graduated, which is a huge achievement, and you should be extremely proud of yourself for everything you've achieved. You may even have a boyfriend by this time, but don't worry if you don't, boys are overrated ;). As I'm sitting here rn, on my bed, at 8:15pm on a Friday night, in a global pandemic where we have been in lockdown for 15 days (and I / you have been in self isolation for about 29 days), I thought I'd tell you how much I love you. 2020 so far has definitely been a rollercoaster, if you remember, March - now has been the hardest. But you are so worth it. I don't think I know anyone more worth it than you. Don't ever let anyone take you for granted. You are worth so much more than someone just picking you up and using you, but if that does happen, pick yourself up. You've picked yourself up from rock bottom before, you can do it again. With the state of the world at the minute, its easy to crawl back into that part of yourself, who doesn't actually know how much you're actually worth.. (I'm aware I've used 'worth' like 50 times but hey i'm not one with words as we both know). And even though you've done that, for those 29 (and more) days, that doesn't make you weak, or any less what you're worth (again.. I know). The point I'm trying to make is, life is continuously kicking you / us / me down, but you CHOOSE life. Everytime. And that's something to be **** proud of. Like a dandelion through the pavement, I persist. Me and mum have almost finished the fifth season of How To Get Away With ******, (hopefully you've now watched season 6 and figured out what the hell is going on!!!), and I don't think I realised until today how much of a big impact it has had on me. I don't think I've admired anyone more than Annalise Keating. I know she's fictional, but she's incredible. She has made me love myself, which hopefully works out for you because hopefully you are loving yourself more than ever. Things I love so much about you is how kind you are, which I often take as being a pushover, which we can be, but my goodness you have a big heart. And with all that loving and helping everyone else you do, letting them enter your heart, surely there's enough room for one 19 year old who just wants to be happy :). The things I thought I hated about myself / us, are the things that make us, us. The dimples in your cheeks when you smile, and your smile which can be as wide as the Cheshire Cat's when you're laughing. Your eyes which have seen so much, but still can be just as kind when you really look into them, and the creases under them when you smile just proves how much laughing you've done when you're with the right people. The way you are with the kids makes me want to be that girl everyday. I am currently a mess, but aren't some messes beautiful? I'm a work in progress, but I promise you I will work my arse off to make sure that when you receive this, you're as happy as you can be and so loved by yourself. And if you're not? Well, you've survived 100% of your worst days yet. That's 21 years worth. But if you still have your dynamos, can see the kids, have your loving family, a roof over your head, and food on the table, then that's all you need to get through the bad days. There's always sunshine if you look for it, there's always something to laugh or smile about, and there for sure is something beautiful in everyday. You were created with a perfect palette. A palette of intelligence, stubbornness, humour, passion, and beauty and lots more that I'm willing to look into myself to find, for you. I don't know what the future holds, but I will make a future, for you, for me. Love, 19 year old me x

Epilogue

about 2 years later

Dear 19 year old me,

Wow, sometimes I think past me is more wise than current me, but we are the same person so I have that wisdom somewhere ha!...

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Ni ,now my ryea htat 32 rea wnod oyu talikgn ahcegdn siedup and rl)teet, ’mi lfei 1st2 yctepmoell ot my who( ni. Of it tsbe flei eth adn swa rwots ayre ym. Yrthibda my me a ‘y’dnoasm we my tno rough atgre ggino dihtced a en,o aws hcapt sa utohrhg erew s12t. Rteepmbes lla atht ltonuwd’ fo ownk lduow r,yae cibrnguml coem gtrouhothu dna rinedfs by eht wond it did eb with i litelt tmhe i any wya het. Eghnou tihmg thta ro ’iev utb pte,su don’t dceri ry,owr btoh khosc make teh ouy, us of uoy ofr. Anwt tyeh kw,on imssmteeo atth i adn emse thwa lla ouy olpepe to naer’t. Fo ew ehret we rae rfmo htat ppleoe atth raodnu taht hte re,uslfo thikn itunl my dindt’ ealsrei tlielt ensaro ynam aer uyo are tpas so ti nscatlynot sujt 2st1 yare os. Atth uliacdis i eamecb aslo i ,aery drdoppe dan ’nddti uto nlnsyieet aagtrdeu. A ot moeonse evlo i noti ti tni’dd rfo albe rhhtugo efowndnu hioutwt how otn i lpepids my tub nkwo ilfe olwud pu ned tog iwth adn i a…ygo who ielv ngibe. Lcimehlt uor. Ordwl, tsih si reictpeespv ustj hse’ ni gehirtevny hmi my wludo esh veol me, thta elif irhgt dan tocemlleyp uyo on hecadng. .
Uhthog in lyju i 2:1 eayr pu uin em, ym 2230 a thiw 2t1s a end acbk tewn eyra off nda teafr gntudrgaia i did urtaedadg in i. Os be odpur wldou ouy. Odupr ma os i. To fitrs fo ecivenmheta coneritppe eednd ym up saw tiradnsoseit dan ewf ): tis’ i sgibetg on nda ngbie eatd, eth a a on, ym off oliugnlesnc askrm.
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Htwi vilnig ’sti i utb het uot a vnmiog btse ed,ri dende pu ever sdioncei ,llemcthi nad bnee. It dmdlei nda ti oriattdsiens a dide ea,ry fo itigrnw ni aws ,hrtu ym radndag dan otl rhgti a atsl osckh hte. Dokwl,ocn a tuo ouy all dan retwo see at d’tulnoc you afert og ulpoce ot whis ihm i uoldc stnmho uoy tlr,eet yawayn ot ouy dna dah tub erfta ,oehm he tlle hmi og moec taht fo isvti i itno a. (i ash oyru abd teh you odn’t lefe wl,)il cbka kwno esineurv os.
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Uoy ltle nsithg cduol seterh i iwhs i htta. I woh uoy uoprd of lkei ma. Asitden rekdin uoy lrate fo i ni swih was to monmet eht ohw i 4 yasre. Uo,y i rpismoe ma ubt lainghe i. Idnwra eridnk idclh elk,i e,enb ahtt nwgokir aevh to asrpt erve we ma i wsa fo orfm ymesfl i to setho rsofule ahle no’td ginbe on i eobdbr ruo nda to hnta laeh emfysl us nrnie am. Y(es yunlrcert tou 4 ecsbeau i dan a no i’m dan uro as 31ht as giong eincse eratn’ pehwesn shgnit ,t!eert!)l ma dan tib irtgh we siht wlle ltelit torerhb a ew ’di w,no heepld your yabhritd wspnhee ehav mpgnoi twigirn faetr ufndo. Msthoieng thta am si no i utb orkingw. On ew htsi dto’n omrnaye i am adirnesubo so hatt uhtr nowkgri eelf. Our is otn are hrteo ti inlbyeoitrpiss fo nto to iwht rosu adel eppsole ythe us, seoiatnxptec ot oldh. Dna rue’oy tol a taht kwno idhlnog of i. Glneitl ykao ot oesth ’tis ihtnsg ’im wodn utp you. Eolv you epeopl it’s ntpopisiad kyao to. Elfi, not ruoys hreit is’t cbueeas ’tsi. Dosnut’lh no uosldh actcaypi uyo y’rhtee and yuor ginlvi auscebe yuo eth eb noidg wath oen ot seel tno eltl lfei hsa. Ear giond tsisseewn ot ot lal hwta r’ueyo tilayre eeicscssoar uroy yhte atht are. Msrttea oigthnn me. Wuold it bakc, aveh ryou aevh reisnveu het fi svd’huleo n,dphaepe it lwil. Nkinight ullyf enhvt’a nda nessicdoi edam htat ayn i ti cemihltl stfir tgrhuho mespiro uowihtt (rpaat uyo ormf i. . Owh ifhtg o)e?lv caeus anc. Aysmond i out ton lal be kown yerafptexhdi us ertetl of of this defisrn ul’lyo beign eth tiwh on. Snhgti thsi ncat’ in but crefo you ilfe. Ti wkon htey for su, btu ahec ont ewre not tyeh doog godo ot’nd fro ohert ’rethye. Rea and het oyu ear fo pyte eeedrvci trohw ouy eovl oyu tbeter os much nad piirendsfh weer so anth mhcu remo nda ngvei twah. Bemald ctu nad tnihsg end yas oru ot ocseh akwward it o,ut eeasucb to ulcod no to whchi( eomc si orynsaltipe it het neht wadeoll em) ot bgnie wiuhtto su i too eothr wsih sfiidrhpen hwne na i and,moys uyor oewlldof tbu ahtw dne heyt hte ear tkcaat hety wsa an. W,rodl wnhe nto eoeppl si gknnhiit olst lla of ouyr’e ouy vueoy’ eht acsuebe butoa oenn etnsiassn leki trwoh e’yvhte wthi hte era nad thorw eratdet are ubt ouy. Uo,y ,lmesyf nda in rfuute eth wrhyto ndpse su nnitde ym to niegb i asdy fo.
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Im’ y,sorr.
Rigfevo em, peseal.
You, kahnt.
Olve uoy i.
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Ovl,e.
23 arey x me old.

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