A letter from April 10th, 2020

Peaceful right?

Dear FutureMe, If I'm right, (which I am ofc), today is your 21st birthday. Happy birthday E <3 Who'd have thought we'd get here?? I hope you are getting spoiled, by yourself, and remembering that not all birthdays are terrible :). I hope you still have your dynamos (you better, 'cause they're the bestest friends in the world), to party with, but not TOO hard, 'cause we know how that ends! At this current time, you're probably in the middle (I hope in the middle, please don't procrastinate!!), of writing your dissertation on whatever you have chosen! (I still currently think it should be about white privilege in society, but I won't be mad if you choose something better / easier to research :) ). You've nearly graduated, which is a huge achievement, and you should be extremely proud of yourself for everything you've achieved. You may even have a boyfriend by this time, but don't worry if you don't, boys are overrated ;). As I'm sitting here rn, on my bed, at 8:15pm on a Friday night, in a global pandemic where we have been in lockdown for 15 days (and I / you have been in self isolation for about 29 days), I thought I'd tell you how much I love you. 2020 so far has definitely been a rollercoaster, if you remember, March - now has been the hardest. But you are so worth it. I don't think I know anyone more worth it than you. Don't ever let anyone take you for granted. You are worth so much more than someone just picking you up and using you, but if that does happen, pick yourself up. You've picked yourself up from rock bottom before, you can do it again. With the state of the world at the minute, its easy to crawl back into that part of yourself, who doesn't actually know how much you're actually worth.. (I'm aware I've used 'worth' like 50 times but hey i'm not one with words as we both know). And even though you've done that, for those 29 (and more) days, that doesn't make you weak, or any less what you're worth (again.. I know). The point I'm trying to make is, life is continuously kicking you / us / me down, but you CHOOSE life. Everytime. And that's something to be **** proud of. Like a dandelion through the pavement, I persist. Me and mum have almost finished the fifth season of How To Get Away With ******, (hopefully you've now watched season 6 and figured out what the hell is going on!!!), and I don't think I realised until today how much of a big impact it has had on me. I don't think I've admired anyone more than Annalise Keating. I know she's fictional, but she's incredible. She has made me love myself, which hopefully works out for you because hopefully you are loving yourself more than ever. Things I love so much about you is how kind you are, which I often take as being a pushover, which we can be, but my goodness you have a big heart. And with all that loving and helping everyone else you do, letting them enter your heart, surely there's enough room for one 19 year old who just wants to be happy :). The things I thought I hated about myself / us, are the things that make us, us. The dimples in your cheeks when you smile, and your smile which can be as wide as the Cheshire Cat's when you're laughing. Your eyes which have seen so much, but still can be just as kind when you really look into them, and the creases under them when you smile just proves how much laughing you've done when you're with the right people. The way you are with the kids makes me want to be that girl everyday. I am currently a mess, but aren't some messes beautiful? I'm a work in progress, but I promise you I will work my arse off to make sure that when you receive this, you're as happy as you can be and so loved by yourself. And if you're not? Well, you've survived 100% of your worst days yet. That's 21 years worth. But if you still have your dynamos, can see the kids, have your loving family, a roof over your head, and food on the table, then that's all you need to get through the bad days. There's always sunshine if you look for it, there's always something to laugh or smile about, and there for sure is something beautiful in everyday. You were created with a perfect palette. A palette of intelligence, stubbornness, humour, passion, and beauty and lots more that I'm willing to look into myself to find, for you. I don't know what the future holds, but I will make a future, for you, for me. Love, 19 year old me x

Epilogue

about 2 years later

Dear 19 year old me,

Wow, sometimes I think past me is more wise than current me, but we are the same person so I have that wisdom somewhere ha!...

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Thta ni o(hw sueipd dahcneg 23 i’m uyo 12ts eyar ym to ownd ni aknlitg ear ,)eetrlt iefl ym nad mteyoplelc onw,. Ti ryea nad of ym estb the efli was swtro. Edhdtic saw as ym a guhro ym gothuhr ont ydtrahib em ew a 2s1t erwe osdaynm’‘ o,ne ginog aegtr tpcah. Dna nlwd’otu emoc ayer, nwko teh ddi odulw tlielt it owdn hiwt ttuughrooh yb taht i yaw lal of be indserf eth any gcbirnuml emth i mrtebeesp. Tghim ’tond but of wry,or htta us etusp, eht ro kame rof ei’v o,yu ericd htob oyu ochsk uhogne. Htat r’tena and lla ,wnok ehty to emse htwa twna iememsots pleoep i ouy. It soraen aer ereht ahtt mnay romf my atth we dtnd’i uyo just oacstytnln arye iulnt ear floesr,u atps atth s2t1 era udnoar alesire so tlelti we ihtkn oepple the so of. Cbeame elseyinnt d’dtin edtaruga ddeprpo uot i eay,r nda ucdaiisl aosl atth i. Aelb ohw fro lvoe twuhoit orhugth tgo pu ont odwul wkno owh toin ebgin …yoga twhi elfi to dd’tni den a adn i pispled my veil btu somnoee nwfuodne i i it. Uor temhcill. Ni lief sthi si es’h uoy lrwd,o oleelymptc levo ncahdeg my him hvtyeirneg pcsretpevie on ulwod adn ghitr stuj ehs ,me tath. .
21: i a ntwe i adergatud my i 0232 erya though uin up a ffo st21 in refta adn ihwt did ni iadguartng ,me ryae den uylj kacb. Wulod so pudor be uoy. Am odurp i os. Asw deden a fo :) no topercenpi teh ym tisfr and gunilsneloc ot teivacemenh egbtgis akrms my nda on, a i satirisdoten efw deta, fof eibgn tsi’ pu.
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Ebne ivgomn ir,ed a sebt ciiensod nddee uot ilgvni nad l,emhlcit is’t erve the i pu hitw utb. Ti in hte niwigrt it of schko ,yrae ildmde nda nda sseriiottdan rgiht idde ym adrdgan ,tuhr otl a a alts asw. Cdw,klono ette,lr to and i ta og utb ynwyaa hmi og uyo dna ot nthmso a of i uoy rweto arfet lduoc ees ecmo eocupl ahd hiws noti ouy tlel all rfeta ttha a ’ntucold eho,m eh mhi tou vitsi oyu. Ouyr dtno’ cakb os iruvense i( nwko teh lefe ,ll)iw dba oyu sha.
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Odluc thta i teehsr i ihws ellt oyu hisgtn. Am fo oyu eikl uprdo i how. Letar itdesna idnker asw to hwsi fo ni rseay emtmon het i i 4 uoy hwo. Oepsirm i i yu,o ngehlai tub ma. Saw on fylsme us we fselym ahtn to geibn robdbe setoh dna ben,e ildch not’d oru kinerd i am to fo omrf spatr alhe hatt to i leah ever i vhea orknigw li,ek roefslu am awirdn nrnie. 31th a tenar’ as e!,)elttr! ruo gnitsh tnlecurry ehbrtro nrgtiiw 4 hleped nad nwphees seubeca sith wo,n dan gthir i tearf a uto dfnuo i’d mi’ am giong ewll tib we tabirdyh sa ryou vhea wespnhe littel we no pimogn nad eys( eisenc. Tub isngmeoth si ma i htta kiwrgno on. Ma we aseubinrdo htat i efle itsh no worgkni so ’dton hrtu oenyrma. U,s of rea it our leoepps ot odlh hitw patxteicsoen htey ton to nto oetrh si edal sinsboirptylie usor. Lto ry’eou okwn and fo lgdhino a htat i. You eillgtn tighns to sit’ koay put eshot ndwo im’. Ot oepple oyu eovl ipaodntpis it’s aoky. Esuaebc souyr erhti tis’ ton si’t ei,lf. Nad ’retehy tlle hsa ogdin tno whta oyu eles uohsld eno het nilvig ouy on ilfe ot eb piaccaty aseucbe h’dtonsul your. Yreuo’ are yairetl all to rouy noigd rieesscosca ot hyet etssinesw atth tawh aer. Hnngtio tetrams me. Teh if eahv epe,pdnah ak,bc ahev nvueseir ruoy illw dlwuo ti it uolhed’vs. V’ntaeh uhgrtho tuthiwo htta lmhcietl deam nya rifst dna iitngkhn mpirose i it yfllu isdosenci oyu t(apra rfmo i. . How can ihtgf )ov?le ueasc. Efdrpyhiatxe eb on i lal niegb tno naomysd elttre lluoy’ wkno the sdefnri of htsi otu of us wtih. Ni ca’tn feli ceofr yuo tbu htis snhgit. Tbu gdoo ee’yrth oetrh nwok teyh ceah n’otd tno ti ,su reew ofr dgoo nto rof eyth. So oyu rea yuo iegvn mchu pderhiisfn so het wtha hcum hotrw eovl erom oyu era ahtn ettber fo epty dna vreicdee dan and rwee. End eusceba lwodela ctu akrdwaw no whis dmblae olduc ttcaak aws emoc loolfdwe nhet an na ti ehnw einbg uiowtht ubt dna it oryu rou su ntyepolrasi htwa drinsepifh e)m to i hoesc eht gisnth too to uot, dne i sya ot aydn,mso hwci(h si the aer to yeth hyte rtheo. Ortwh not elki het vtey’he ltos all tiwh eoplep of the ear tub oeuv’y rea anseisstn butoa twroh uyo si ueo’yr cuesbae dan enwh r,lwod ouy nnoe adrette nhignikt. My ueturf dan u,yo us in fo eth sady epdns whyrot inegb i nitedn flye,ms to.
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’im srro,y.
Me, lseape rgveifo.
Khtna yuo,.
Uyo i loev.
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Elv,o.
23 raye me dlo x.

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