A letter from April 10th, 2020

Peaceful right?

Dear FutureMe, If I'm right, (which I am ofc), today is your 21st birthday. Happy birthday E <3 Who'd have thought we'd get here?? I hope you are getting spoiled, by yourself, and remembering that not all birthdays are terrible :). I hope you still have your dynamos (you better, 'cause they're the bestest friends in the world), to party with, but not TOO hard, 'cause we know how that ends! At this current time, you're probably in the middle (I hope in the middle, please don't procrastinate!!), of writing your dissertation on whatever you have chosen! (I still currently think it should be about white privilege in society, but I won't be mad if you choose something better / easier to research :) ). You've nearly graduated, which is a huge achievement, and you should be extremely proud of yourself for everything you've achieved. You may even have a boyfriend by this time, but don't worry if you don't, boys are overrated ;). As I'm sitting here rn, on my bed, at 8:15pm on a Friday night, in a global pandemic where we have been in lockdown for 15 days (and I / you have been in self isolation for about 29 days), I thought I'd tell you how much I love you. 2020 so far has definitely been a rollercoaster, if you remember, March - now has been the hardest. But you are so worth it. I don't think I know anyone more worth it than you. Don't ever let anyone take you for granted. You are worth so much more than someone just picking you up and using you, but if that does happen, pick yourself up. You've picked yourself up from rock bottom before, you can do it again. With the state of the world at the minute, its easy to crawl back into that part of yourself, who doesn't actually know how much you're actually worth.. (I'm aware I've used 'worth' like 50 times but hey i'm not one with words as we both know). And even though you've done that, for those 29 (and more) days, that doesn't make you weak, or any less what you're worth (again.. I know). The point I'm trying to make is, life is continuously kicking you / us / me down, but you CHOOSE life. Everytime. And that's something to be **** proud of. Like a dandelion through the pavement, I persist. Me and mum have almost finished the fifth season of How To Get Away With ******, (hopefully you've now watched season 6 and figured out what the hell is going on!!!), and I don't think I realised until today how much of a big impact it has had on me. I don't think I've admired anyone more than Annalise Keating. I know she's fictional, but she's incredible. She has made me love myself, which hopefully works out for you because hopefully you are loving yourself more than ever. Things I love so much about you is how kind you are, which I often take as being a pushover, which we can be, but my goodness you have a big heart. And with all that loving and helping everyone else you do, letting them enter your heart, surely there's enough room for one 19 year old who just wants to be happy :). The things I thought I hated about myself / us, are the things that make us, us. The dimples in your cheeks when you smile, and your smile which can be as wide as the Cheshire Cat's when you're laughing. Your eyes which have seen so much, but still can be just as kind when you really look into them, and the creases under them when you smile just proves how much laughing you've done when you're with the right people. The way you are with the kids makes me want to be that girl everyday. I am currently a mess, but aren't some messes beautiful? I'm a work in progress, but I promise you I will work my arse off to make sure that when you receive this, you're as happy as you can be and so loved by yourself. And if you're not? Well, you've survived 100% of your worst days yet. That's 21 years worth. But if you still have your dynamos, can see the kids, have your loving family, a roof over your head, and food on the table, then that's all you need to get through the bad days. There's always sunshine if you look for it, there's always something to laugh or smile about, and there for sure is something beautiful in everyday. You were created with a perfect palette. A palette of intelligence, stubbornness, humour, passion, and beauty and lots more that I'm willing to look into myself to find, for you. I don't know what the future holds, but I will make a future, for you, for me. Love, 19 year old me x

Epilogue

about 2 years later

Dear 19 year old me,

Wow, sometimes I think past me is more wise than current me, but we are the same person so I have that wisdom somewhere ha!...

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Wnod era optellymce 32 oyu ttha ielf ’im my my to gnatkil t)r,tlee eayr ,nwo 1ts2 naceghd pduise and ni hwo( in. Tseb teh ilef tswor it ym of saw eyar adn. Em ym a ggino ym yibthrda ew a wsa pctha ndyma‘’os garet s21t as wree hrugo ,eon tugrhoh tno dthedic. Ouurhtgtho eliltt iwth i olwud moec bremspete by oknw hte ,arye ywa ifdnres fo and i blgnrimuc owud’tnl lal did ttah eb wdon it hmet yan the. Kema ercdi su hegnou gtihm hoskc ,pestu oyu rof rowry, ro ntod’ taht ev’i uy,o btu fo hbto teh. Ot ra’ten atth emse ouy dna lla wtan ythe epleop n,wok tahw i semtesiom. Aer aernos udanro tjus htink elfruo,s 1t2s are teehr that many we my aspt ear esliare we ilutn rmof that oyu so ttah litetl yrea leoepp of so tind’d ti olnnasttcy eth. Leniysnte mabeec ar,ye tidn’d ttah otu osal isdluica pddoerp i i and aatgerdu. Lefi nto loev eomones ludow how a ti up i ot ddt’ni lvei leppsdi ayo…g gto dna my hwo i thiw ohuwitt uowfendn rfo bnige ebla ohghrut wokn iont i btu ned. Our mtliehlc. Ceisveptepr and ielf would envhtygeir ahcgden hatt on seh rithg w,dlor ouy olve in ,me s’he juts teeloylcmp thsi hmi ym is. .
Radudgtae ffo erya dgntauraig 1st2 uyjl a raye uni 12: i pu eatfr ned guhoht ,me 2023 i ni a my in twne i did ihwt ckba nad. Eb rpoud wolud so oyu. Dropu i so am. Deta, isgbegt nad hmcvnteieea ot up i a fwe fo its’ ddnee ym nda ym no pecoertpni aetsrdioitns ftris ,no celsngoiuln fof saw the ksarm :) a nbieg.
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Ended out mognvi gnivil pu eth but vree id,re tebs idonscei t’is t,elmclhi i dna neeb htiw a. Aws dgardna ti ti dna hskoc a eidd nittirdsasoe ryae, ni utrh, astl nad ym imeddl gtirh a twinrig eth otl of. I go but mih ot a eh lopuec uoldc i adn tuo lal oitn ta you ouy ecmo l’dctnou hsntom m,eho to ltle lokdc,own aetfr imh and dha swih itsvi uoy a ouy woetr atht of ees ftera rtt,lee nwayay go. Onwk you os dot’n l,wli) hte dba ahs oyru fele bcak inrvseeu i(.
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Uoy ishw tell snhgit i ttah uldoc i hseetr. I how keli am of dpruo ouy. Raeys niderk dtnaeis fo 4 uyo ot i nmmtoe i siwh wsa who in arlte teh. I pmsreoi ma glhneia i ubt yo,u. Fo eylfms evah ohtse no dchil dkerni i ot rnadwi starp b,nee bebdro mseyfl bneig eerv i was ot lhea we ot and su ma ’ontd ,elik frmo am atht nrnie leha i ruo ruolesf ogikrwn tnha. Tt!,l!re)e epdhle eeuacbs trfae a uot nsheewp i 4 eys( and dna llew ew no snhtgi oudnf hsnwpee hsit tellti hritg own, enrrlycut rntae’ id’ vhea ew am mnigpo nad inrtwig as rydbthia orhretb oyur 3h1t ieencs a ’mi itb as oiggn oru. But si no i ehimstnog am woknigr ttha. Thta htru shti so ’ntdo ew ma mraeoyn no rwiongk feel i adrseunibo. Urso sosbneyirpiilt ethro ot odlh ot ti eoesppl eanoxeipttcs ,su fo rae tiwh htye si otn our edal ton. Onkw lot i htta ey’oru fo ohnligd nda a. Odnw ohest upt ot gtinsh ayok ’its uyo nligtle mi’. S’ti kaoy uoy levo eepopl tdasnopiip to. Hiert ilef, soyru i’ts i’ts sabeuec tno. ’rtyeeh vinlgi ton oruy icpatyac on oyu dna ouy onidg lefi eht ot be unto’dhls ahs hwta eno eels llet eusecba luhods. Hatt era tyhe snewtisse lla to ue’ory rae iesscoaercs yoru whta ytialre ot ondig. Oightnn aettmrs me. Ednph,epa het viuernse hvea ,ackb it vusoedhl’ it oyur dlouw evha llwi fi. Rhghotu iclhemlt i and eadm uyo atth i huttwio ieosdcsin flylu p(arta nya miseorp tiinnkhg eh’nvta srfit morf it. . Hwo ascue ?e)olv ighft acn. Shti iwth thyrxefdiaep on not lyoul’ us i terlte all out fo of oymdasn teh know dfesrin eginb be. Shti a’cnt you ocefr in tub ilef tnsghi. Ofr odgo eyth ewre s,u godo but ofr chea okwn etr’eyh otn ti hetor ot’nd otn hety. Sfipdinreh rea gveni uyo emor atnh oyu rae os ypte so betert dan dan of hucm were adn you wroht cveirdee loev wtah eht hmuc. Utc ot sya nde nfridsieph ewnh the wihs ot ti m)e was i to btu ebnig ghtsni iotwhut it si htaw and ehty no lduco our eth era an su na i hwic(h sebcuae atakct wefolodl almdeb ptylsraeoin oot den ehort to yteh oecm ou,t ecohs wadolle oryu anmsy,od awrkwda tenh. Eplepo si adn hte wothr rae yuo whti tbu oyv’ue oenn yuo ehwn tosl ssnentasi y’etehv btoua eht of drtaete sceeaub rohtw er’yuo klie knghtnii ton row,ld lla rea. Su my dsenp ot intedn ysad slefy,m owtrhy trfuue adn u,yo eht in negbi i fo.
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Im’ srr,yo.
Seepal em, iroefvg.
,uyo ankht.
Love i uoy.
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,velo.
Old yrea 32 x em.

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