A letter from April 10th, 2020

Peaceful right?

Dear FutureMe, If I'm right, (which I am ofc), today is your 21st birthday. Happy birthday E <3 Who'd have thought we'd get here?? I hope you are getting spoiled, by yourself, and remembering that not all birthdays are terrible :). I hope you still have your dynamos (you better, 'cause they're the bestest friends in the world), to party with, but not TOO hard, 'cause we know how that ends! At this current time, you're probably in the middle (I hope in the middle, please don't procrastinate!!), of writing your dissertation on whatever you have chosen! (I still currently think it should be about white privilege in society, but I won't be mad if you choose something better / easier to research :) ). You've nearly graduated, which is a huge achievement, and you should be extremely proud of yourself for everything you've achieved. You may even have a boyfriend by this time, but don't worry if you don't, boys are overrated ;). As I'm sitting here rn, on my bed, at 8:15pm on a Friday night, in a global pandemic where we have been in lockdown for 15 days (and I / you have been in self isolation for about 29 days), I thought I'd tell you how much I love you. 2020 so far has definitely been a rollercoaster, if you remember, March - now has been the hardest. But you are so worth it. I don't think I know anyone more worth it than you. Don't ever let anyone take you for granted. You are worth so much more than someone just picking you up and using you, but if that does happen, pick yourself up. You've picked yourself up from rock bottom before, you can do it again. With the state of the world at the minute, its easy to crawl back into that part of yourself, who doesn't actually know how much you're actually worth.. (I'm aware I've used 'worth' like 50 times but hey i'm not one with words as we both know). And even though you've done that, for those 29 (and more) days, that doesn't make you weak, or any less what you're worth (again.. I know). The point I'm trying to make is, life is continuously kicking you / us / me down, but you CHOOSE life. Everytime. And that's something to be **** proud of. Like a dandelion through the pavement, I persist. Me and mum have almost finished the fifth season of How To Get Away With ******, (hopefully you've now watched season 6 and figured out what the hell is going on!!!), and I don't think I realised until today how much of a big impact it has had on me. I don't think I've admired anyone more than Annalise Keating. I know she's fictional, but she's incredible. She has made me love myself, which hopefully works out for you because hopefully you are loving yourself more than ever. Things I love so much about you is how kind you are, which I often take as being a pushover, which we can be, but my goodness you have a big heart. And with all that loving and helping everyone else you do, letting them enter your heart, surely there's enough room for one 19 year old who just wants to be happy :). The things I thought I hated about myself / us, are the things that make us, us. The dimples in your cheeks when you smile, and your smile which can be as wide as the Cheshire Cat's when you're laughing. Your eyes which have seen so much, but still can be just as kind when you really look into them, and the creases under them when you smile just proves how much laughing you've done when you're with the right people. The way you are with the kids makes me want to be that girl everyday. I am currently a mess, but aren't some messes beautiful? I'm a work in progress, but I promise you I will work my arse off to make sure that when you receive this, you're as happy as you can be and so loved by yourself. And if you're not? Well, you've survived 100% of your worst days yet. That's 21 years worth. But if you still have your dynamos, can see the kids, have your loving family, a roof over your head, and food on the table, then that's all you need to get through the bad days. There's always sunshine if you look for it, there's always something to laugh or smile about, and there for sure is something beautiful in everyday. You were created with a perfect palette. A palette of intelligence, stubbornness, humour, passion, and beauty and lots more that I'm willing to look into myself to find, for you. I don't know what the future holds, but I will make a future, for you, for me. Love, 19 year old me x

Epilogue

about 2 years later

Dear 19 year old me,

Wow, sometimes I think past me is more wise than current me, but we are the same person so I have that wisdom somewhere ha!...

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Ym ym you telr)e,t ktlagin adn m’i (owh raey elfi sidpue edcnagh w,on olltepmyce atht owdn st12 32 ni are ot in. Owsrt flei fo ti aws ym eayr dan ebst eht. Me ew wsa ont a my ne,o erew goign tcheidd as aribydth ctaph a atgre 1t2s n‘smoyda’ gothrhu hgrou my. Yb eb idd ry,ea lowud hte moce wndo htta rnmublcig otu’wdln lla ywa and i ttoruugohh i fo it srbmetpee yna ownk htiw drsfeni eilttl emht het. Of btho dt’on or akme btu rof uyo shkoc ,oyu enohug gimht eth taht tspeu, su rdeci r,yorw e’iv. Thaw tehy ouy k,now watn nda seme ot i lla art’ne poeelp htat mmesioste. Eleppo oyu asnore fo os rfom tasp ear ttha teh namy rae tiuln f,orselu atht easrile ew yrea onurda we ear nikht tletil anntylotcs 2ts1 utjs etehr hatt os ym ti ndt’di. Dslaiiuc atht i itesynlne dgaatuer dan n’tidd uot ppdoerd slao i macbee ,year. Weufnond hwo go…ya i dne elba i ibeng who toin ogurhht nkwo msoenoe to tbu udlwo iddn’t veli it gto uoiwtht lfei ym a nad pu veol hwti fro ldsipep i nto. Eltmlich oru. She’ ouy olduw ,me thta efli ghtri dan vleo no just is tpvsrcipeee hmi esh cdaghne dwol,r hits ctyopllmee niyevehrgt in my. .
Tudegarad a ewtn rtfae ni anutadgigr htoghu tiwh i ffo ym idd em, bcka 3022 i up end :21 ylju erya a ryae 2t1s dan i ni inu. Odupr uoy be wlduo so. Am os rpdou i. On off ftsri wef nad ym on, aitnsisrdoet aws i glelsniunoc ym a tebigsg the dna ): askmr of ibneg ’tis to needd a mevtiacehen cierpenopt aet,d up.
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Eerv ddene idre, miogvn with i’st a ilelt,cmh i up tbse nebe lngvii out ioinedcs adn eht utb. A arey, coksh htigr dan of wsa eht ni dan tlo tasl edid uhtr, a agaddnr ti it imdeld iriwntg steaitosindr ym. Ntio ta eoulcp i out anyawy udloc olk,wcond meoc ubt ltle to vitis a him et,lret dah hmi ud’tnloc etrow go you omshnt ouy a ouy lal i og he ouy and swhi ees dna areft fo ttha to afrte omeh,. Eefl seeiuvrn uryo ntdo’ i( ouy kbac ,wlil) ahs eth abd so kwno.
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I letl heetsr ngsiht hatt i shwi uoy udlco. Udpro keil am i of ouy hwo. Rltae wsa i oenmmt ot who hsiw kndire ni ryaes dsaiten i you 4 of eth. Gnaihle uy,o emirpos tbu am i i. Eerv heots fluerso aws su slyefm hlae vahe ot eilk, nad to i ehal ma ,been nrnie inrwda uro ew gbien tspar fo no ma idlhc o’dnt htta enkdir i to oedrbb nhta eymfls i mrof rgkoiwn. 4 ey(s bcaesue tihgr a trnyluecr psnhwee tr!!lt,)ee e’atrn eiscne tnhsig ma ibt fnduo yrou sa on,w dna hewsenp as di’ our iggno rgiiwnt no tish aveh ogpmin lilett a dan we i hryaibtd btroreh th31 ’mi fetra ewll adn ew helped out. Oishnmgte i is wignrok tath ma tbu no. Eyonarm efel i ew nwrkogi tihs boiurnsdae am that dnt’o on so uhtr. Fo ont si atsoiexncept laed to pslpeeo ti troeh ruo ruso ot lodh era pyiisribsoletn nto yhte thiw u,s. Of i taht dgilohn oy’reu wkon dan a lot. Oyu hngtis ayok tllnige nodw i’m teohs tis’ ot tup. Ot vleo you sitinoppda lepope ykao ’sti. Tno eeasucb ts’i fl,ei ryosu ’sit hiter. Llte dhsutnl’o lfei lsuohd ouy yrou sah ton on ogidn one slee yeethr’ iglnvi ouy be ucsebea ycaiacpt eth dan hwat to. Lla rlatiey ear tehy ot ssteseinw twha o’uyer idnog era soescescria oryu htat to. Amstrte hignnto em. Ve’uhslod wuold vahe evah eivsreun it if lilw daehnppe, ti uroy ,bkac hte. Hatt ayn ntikghin strif rmof hhutgor sirempo i hwuitto hve’tan ti siodncsie dan lhimclet i ullfy edma yuo r(aatp. . Can uscae )ov?le tihgf owh. Isth fo bgien eth fo out oknw lal afdepyehixtr dmsnoay i ont l’uylo on with inedfsr eb lrttee us. Thsi in rofce utb uoy efli hnitsg tac’n. Nto but ogod ,su d’tno ont konw ofr oogd hcea htye fro it oerth ewre they eyh’etr. Os dna hwat mhcu rhtow erew teh uoy tpey dreivcee you of spienidhrf rea ouy era os hcum nad adn eretbt veol athn viegn more. Dna oefldowl lbamed neth teh nweh uodcl ot i caktat ctu hety otrhe end si oshec they ,tou end na gbnie emco wdrakaw paniertlsoy wtiuhto say to on rea twha but ot i an iwh(ch it hisw ntghsi wldaeol to sihpfreidn het eescbau ryuo was ti our oto e)m su nd,ymaso. Buaot eryu’o knthiing hiwt dna ttrdeea the newh uyo are fo uyo throw vetye’h oelpep the wl,ord etasnnsis nto but all uyev’o aceubse none si ltso lkei owthr era. Epsnd in ,ymlsfe to hywrot ,uoy and sady hte su i urtfeu nidnet giebn my of.
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Im’ r,ysor.
,me lpseae ivgreof.
Tankh u,oy.
You i leov.
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Eol,v.
Raye em x 32 dol.

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