A letter from April 10th, 2020

Peaceful right?

Dear FutureMe, If I'm right, (which I am ofc), today is your 21st birthday. Happy birthday E <3 Who'd have thought we'd get here?? I hope you are getting spoiled, by yourself, and remembering that not all birthdays are terrible :). I hope you still have your dynamos (you better, 'cause they're the bestest friends in the world), to party with, but not TOO hard, 'cause we know how that ends! At this current time, you're probably in the middle (I hope in the middle, please don't procrastinate!!), of writing your dissertation on whatever you have chosen! (I still currently think it should be about white privilege in society, but I won't be mad if you choose something better / easier to research :) ). You've nearly graduated, which is a huge achievement, and you should be extremely proud of yourself for everything you've achieved. You may even have a boyfriend by this time, but don't worry if you don't, boys are overrated ;). As I'm sitting here rn, on my bed, at 8:15pm on a Friday night, in a global pandemic where we have been in lockdown for 15 days (and I / you have been in self isolation for about 29 days), I thought I'd tell you how much I love you. 2020 so far has definitely been a rollercoaster, if you remember, March - now has been the hardest. But you are so worth it. I don't think I know anyone more worth it than you. Don't ever let anyone take you for granted. You are worth so much more than someone just picking you up and using you, but if that does happen, pick yourself up. You've picked yourself up from rock bottom before, you can do it again. With the state of the world at the minute, its easy to crawl back into that part of yourself, who doesn't actually know how much you're actually worth.. (I'm aware I've used 'worth' like 50 times but hey i'm not one with words as we both know). And even though you've done that, for those 29 (and more) days, that doesn't make you weak, or any less what you're worth (again.. I know). The point I'm trying to make is, life is continuously kicking you / us / me down, but you CHOOSE life. Everytime. And that's something to be **** proud of. Like a dandelion through the pavement, I persist. Me and mum have almost finished the fifth season of How To Get Away With ******, (hopefully you've now watched season 6 and figured out what the hell is going on!!!), and I don't think I realised until today how much of a big impact it has had on me. I don't think I've admired anyone more than Annalise Keating. I know she's fictional, but she's incredible. She has made me love myself, which hopefully works out for you because hopefully you are loving yourself more than ever. Things I love so much about you is how kind you are, which I often take as being a pushover, which we can be, but my goodness you have a big heart. And with all that loving and helping everyone else you do, letting them enter your heart, surely there's enough room for one 19 year old who just wants to be happy :). The things I thought I hated about myself / us, are the things that make us, us. The dimples in your cheeks when you smile, and your smile which can be as wide as the Cheshire Cat's when you're laughing. Your eyes which have seen so much, but still can be just as kind when you really look into them, and the creases under them when you smile just proves how much laughing you've done when you're with the right people. The way you are with the kids makes me want to be that girl everyday. I am currently a mess, but aren't some messes beautiful? I'm a work in progress, but I promise you I will work my arse off to make sure that when you receive this, you're as happy as you can be and so loved by yourself. And if you're not? Well, you've survived 100% of your worst days yet. That's 21 years worth. But if you still have your dynamos, can see the kids, have your loving family, a roof over your head, and food on the table, then that's all you need to get through the bad days. There's always sunshine if you look for it, there's always something to laugh or smile about, and there for sure is something beautiful in everyday. You were created with a perfect palette. A palette of intelligence, stubbornness, humour, passion, and beauty and lots more that I'm willing to look into myself to find, for you. I don't know what the future holds, but I will make a future, for you, for me. Love, 19 year old me x

Epilogue

about 2 years later

Dear 19 year old me,

Wow, sometimes I think past me is more wise than current me, but we are the same person so I have that wisdom somewhere ha!...

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Wodn 23 yleemloptc w,no ahtt ot s12t ni yrea nda dseuip ym ouy ahcgdne e,)trelt ni w(oh ym eilf rea im’ ignaltk. Ym it efil of wsa arye sorwt btse the nda. Dedithc n‘a’msydo achpt bidyhatr a ym my neo, a sa otn eewr egatr rtghouh me aws nogig we 2st1 oguhr. All wya idd i ayn i thorthougu of nkwo uldwo eb nersifd it teh umgcinrbl n’wlduto ra,ye ecmo nad atth eetmprbse tmhe teh iltelt hiwt owdn by. Oschk oyu, fo het aekm ubt rof rwroy, ro vie’ mithg put,es boht irced su uonegh dt’on you htat. Msee ,oknw ena’rt awht miossemte ttha eplpoe ehty lla ouy dna to i antw. We notnlascyt het my you atht we hktin it tath so fsr,leou trhee htat from tsap are tid’nd nyam 12st so are ltniu udrnoa rsoaen fo usjt esalrie letlit yaer era opeelp. T’nddi tuo tath eembac netelisyn aiscdliu oals nad rya,e opepddr eadutagr i i. My dne ont but oevl laeb lfie fro idnt’d wnuodenf ghuothr ti a to htwtuoi …oayg up ibnge menoose gto tino pleidps uwodl ihtw i vlie i ohw i owh dan okwn. Rou clmlehti. Tshi cieetsverpp intevhryeg hes ym ifle eovl e,m ujst mih ni thta oeyeltclpm ghrit si orlwd, no dhgnace hs’e dna ouy oudlw. .
I ayer ddi reay jylu 2:1 a tuaegrdda i em, adaugnrigt ym i in thiw 12st 2203 pu htguho ffo end aertf dna kacb a inu etnw in. Be so oyu pduor dluow. Os i uprdo am. ,tdea ym dened was srakm ym t’si :) pu ritsf itnreocpep ggesbti to dna nad iaeevehnmtc off a no gnibe a eht fo iatndeisorts n,o few ociegunslnl i.
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Mvogin i tub out pu hte doncseii a sti’ bnee ebts tlic,mlhe nglivi hwit eeddn reve dan ide,r. Thgri slta khcos wigrnit a ti ngaddra it edid wsa and a yea,r ,urth otl ym hte ietsrsiantod of in edildm dan. I mih uyo coeulp ecmo etrfa aaynwy htat and rotwe og iotn a a see otlund’c go luodc e,mho had hmi uot afetr dan to he stvii btu ouy ocknwd,lo lal ta i llet to yuo you fo nhmtso r,teelt hsiw. Eelf uoy ond’t konw hsa ackb wlli,) oyur the i( abd os sunverie.
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I could tlle iwsh ighnts ouy rseeht thta i. Ikle you fo i how puord ma. Ot ouy sihw hwo kinerd i i het ni 4 atlre asw sraey of momtne nsiedta. Nelhgai mepsrio ma i tbu uoy, i. Rou than fylems i ridwan ahtt ma efsmyl cdlih we i ebnig niredk us borbde rsleofu ennir ot i fmro laeh k,eli hlae eohst psrta e,bne reve fo to to vahe am krwgnio swa on nad dn’ot. And dna hits we tr!!t)el,e eucabes nggoi ethborr ewll eeicns ahve ghitr i’d nufod sa i pnsehwe eehpld w,no rou rinigtw we rnat’e tfaer a a m’i nda e(ys 4 ma sa ibt ht13 no hpewnse yuro leitlt trueylrnc nitgsh uot ognmpi itabdyhr. Tigeosmhn no tub taht i wkrnogi am is. Fele so ma urht taht htis oneyrma sderoanubi no dno’t ew wkrngio i. Tnsripieyboisl spepleo otreh ruso is yeht ont tcntpeaxeosi tno fo rou dael s,u it are to twhi hodl ot. Lto adn tath a fo knwo r’ouey gnhdloi i. Htinsg wdon is’t yuo oayk ’im tpu thoes lilgetn to. Yoka ouy evol tispipdnoa to leppoe i’st. Ursyo tierh fli,e st’i sucebea sit’ otn. Royu ont nad uoy twah idnog cyatpiac eausbec eles h’uodlsnt ltle one eth glvnii be hsa luodhs et’ryeh eilf no oyu ot. Oyre’u sisaccoesre to iodgn nsewtssei athw thta era etyh yuro altriye lla aer ot. Me onghint emsatrt. Eth vhae oryu a,ckb ehva ae,hepnpd eiuvesrn fi it would ti lilw de’vlhsuo. Adem ayn (rtapa thhugor rmfo ttuohwi i you odiescnis mierpos i htta ifsrt lluyf ti nvt’eha melcihtl itngnihk dan. . Cna oe?vl) higtf csaeu owh. Tleetr us srnidfe uto eth ytafrpexdhie geibn tsih be fo ylluo’ nwko masdnyo i with ont no of lal. Flei ghtsin htsi ncat’ in crfeo but oyu. Caeh ogdo ehort not ti ofr htye good utb ethy weer ntod’ not ’erteyh rof us, knwo. Rea ihpednirsf ypet adn dna uyo teh ovel evicdeer nath trtebe mcuh os twah so erom of you eewr eivng yuo aer chmu nad othwr. I it gienb us utb an tenh saw mbldea ,uto ti echso ned rae fdhisinerp ahtw on anydsmo, dne tktaca nlrpytsaeio ehrot dwleloa wsih uyor cduol utwohti ot yeth i nweh wawdakr mcoe sya ythe oru to snitgh teh dan is to utc an m)e lwdloofe oot aecsbeu ot hihcw( eth. Enon rae ttreeda eu’vyo oyu tub nsisnstea tabou teh klei lla ytvehe’ rea si fo ohrtw tlos rhotw tno eth wnhe ldo,rw iwth you euescba iikgntnh lepope nad yuo’re. Fo yrhotw nda dsya teh su turfeu ym oy,u i bgein e,yfmsl tdeinn sepnd ot in.
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Os,ryr im’.
Eivfrog plaese ,em.
Y,uo tnakh.
Uyo i oevl.
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V,eol.
X 32 eyra em dol.

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