A letter from April 10th, 2020

Peaceful right?

Dear FutureMe, If I'm right, (which I am ofc), today is your 21st birthday. Happy birthday E <3 Who'd have thought we'd get here?? I hope you are getting spoiled, by yourself, and remembering that not all birthdays are terrible :). I hope you still have your dynamos (you better, 'cause they're the bestest friends in the world), to party with, but not TOO hard, 'cause we know how that ends! At this current time, you're probably in the middle (I hope in the middle, please don't procrastinate!!), of writing your dissertation on whatever you have chosen! (I still currently think it should be about white privilege in society, but I won't be mad if you choose something better / easier to research :) ). You've nearly graduated, which is a huge achievement, and you should be extremely proud of yourself for everything you've achieved. You may even have a boyfriend by this time, but don't worry if you don't, boys are overrated ;). As I'm sitting here rn, on my bed, at 8:15pm on a Friday night, in a global pandemic where we have been in lockdown for 15 days (and I / you have been in self isolation for about 29 days), I thought I'd tell you how much I love you. 2020 so far has definitely been a rollercoaster, if you remember, March - now has been the hardest. But you are so worth it. I don't think I know anyone more worth it than you. Don't ever let anyone take you for granted. You are worth so much more than someone just picking you up and using you, but if that does happen, pick yourself up. You've picked yourself up from rock bottom before, you can do it again. With the state of the world at the minute, its easy to crawl back into that part of yourself, who doesn't actually know how much you're actually worth.. (I'm aware I've used 'worth' like 50 times but hey i'm not one with words as we both know). And even though you've done that, for those 29 (and more) days, that doesn't make you weak, or any less what you're worth (again.. I know). The point I'm trying to make is, life is continuously kicking you / us / me down, but you CHOOSE life. Everytime. And that's something to be **** proud of. Like a dandelion through the pavement, I persist. Me and mum have almost finished the fifth season of How To Get Away With ******, (hopefully you've now watched season 6 and figured out what the hell is going on!!!), and I don't think I realised until today how much of a big impact it has had on me. I don't think I've admired anyone more than Annalise Keating. I know she's fictional, but she's incredible. She has made me love myself, which hopefully works out for you because hopefully you are loving yourself more than ever. Things I love so much about you is how kind you are, which I often take as being a pushover, which we can be, but my goodness you have a big heart. And with all that loving and helping everyone else you do, letting them enter your heart, surely there's enough room for one 19 year old who just wants to be happy :). The things I thought I hated about myself / us, are the things that make us, us. The dimples in your cheeks when you smile, and your smile which can be as wide as the Cheshire Cat's when you're laughing. Your eyes which have seen so much, but still can be just as kind when you really look into them, and the creases under them when you smile just proves how much laughing you've done when you're with the right people. The way you are with the kids makes me want to be that girl everyday. I am currently a mess, but aren't some messes beautiful? I'm a work in progress, but I promise you I will work my arse off to make sure that when you receive this, you're as happy as you can be and so loved by yourself. And if you're not? Well, you've survived 100% of your worst days yet. That's 21 years worth. But if you still have your dynamos, can see the kids, have your loving family, a roof over your head, and food on the table, then that's all you need to get through the bad days. There's always sunshine if you look for it, there's always something to laugh or smile about, and there for sure is something beautiful in everyday. You were created with a perfect palette. A palette of intelligence, stubbornness, humour, passion, and beauty and lots more that I'm willing to look into myself to find, for you. I don't know what the future holds, but I will make a future, for you, for me. Love, 19 year old me x

Epilogue

about 2 years later

Dear 19 year old me,

Wow, sometimes I think past me is more wise than current me, but we are the same person so I have that wisdom somewhere ha!...

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Atth ho(w yaer 32 i’m to tee,rlt) ni dwon ym klangit t2s1 rae ctellmeoyp dna ifel ni dpuesi uoy my gcahdne o,wn. Eray fo ilef ym nad swa etsb hte it sowrt. Ew saw me my sa htrohug hcpat thidecd rugoh ds‘noa’my tgrea rdthbiay a ont neo, a niogg st21 rewe ym. Eebtmrpes wodn twhi rfdseni did reay, yb nkwo i yan dan teillt fo come woldu ’wnoltdu ttha the i het tmeh rmunbcgli be hurthutogo all it yaw. Fo the owr,yr diecr ev’i or btu s,upte su ohbt ouy, thgmi oyu tod’n kcsho ahtt orf enhguo mkea. Lla loeppe they atht to wtan nk,ow otssiemme i esem dan uoy thaw ta’enr. Astp rfmo iltnu so era fo we yamn ttha elttil aer ts21 ttah roduna you hintk rea we poplee lresiea my noraes acolytntns reul,fos etehr hte ti ujts ayre tin’dd atth so. Tuo nad eyr,a adtuerag dnt’di beaemc i osla ttha luicisda dpedpor i inslteyne. Nto ibgne ifle vole ogt hiwt sipdepl a ubt hwo orhthug i konw ldwuo i nseoemo fro i efdwnoun abel ym it pu how and oitn eilv nde gyoa… owittuh dni’dt to. Hmletcil oru. Ppeersveict hsit em, that stuj owlud ’seh imh vloe ym leif higtr si letmcpyloe hes hviyetenrg ouy acghned in on nad ordwl,. .
E,m ni fatre in uin etwn end 2032 uhtohg cbak idd raey indgtuagar reya dan a st21 fof a i eduratgad lujy my i ihwt i :21 pu. Ourdp so yuo dlwou eb. I am oprdu so. Ebsiggt deden dna hte ot my eeamnehictv ): ffo a nda indsorsiaett a ,no aws ,eatd eitopnrecp i fwe istfr t’si on begin pu lsilnongecu my rksma of.
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Deden uto soedcnii ubt eben imtelhc,l a i tseb dir,e eht dan thiw eerv iiglnv sit’ pu mogvin. Cohks ti rtngwii raye, hr,tu saw otl dna ym grhit ldimde a dan dedi setdsroniait gnadrad tals of it a eth in. I a pelouc ouy i fo a ivist adh emoc dto’lcnu go loucd uot onco,dwlk eh imh mhi btu reaft ,tertle snhomt oyu owert ees ot aywnay uoy at og iwsh nad hoe,m efart adn ot lla ttah you toin tell. Uyo cbak ntd’o (i yruo l,)ilw oknw eth bda rvueinse elfe so hsa.
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Erthse i you sgitnh olduc etll ihsw ahtt i. Ma opudr kiel how uyo i of. Of 4 how aseyr enkrid alret oyu i eht to was in i idantse ihws nemotm. Tub i reimpos uyo, ma i glaeihn. Ot elsfmy ma heva fo ysfeml il,ek obbder i een,b erndik hnta nbgie was no i rnowgik su eohts ot riawnd morf ma hatt ruo ot ew ndto’ icdhl iernn atspr nda uefsrol lhae erev alhe i. Llwe gtinsh sa ceeisn tbi 4 am eltlit dna dan 3t1h itsh hroterb nmpgio hpdeel we ’im sa useecba a i atydirhb ,wno tet,e!l!)r uot swpnhee niggo sey( haev and on ihgrt ’etran udnfo ruoy our ewenshp ’di reaft rtlenrucy iriwgtn a ew. Nmtsgeiho i rigkown ma tub on ttah si. Am ew ttha ’dnot efle so hsit turh mynroea i on niwokgr nruisaodbe. Edal fo ot eyht ot ,su nrtoieyibspsil rou ti ldoh are hiwt ton rsuo txtnpaeecois ont rheot pepsoel si. Olt a i atht adn of kwon ryo’ue hodlgni. It’s to hoets mi’ wdno kayo ptu elitngl oyu tshign. Ouy okya pistonidpa to lepope s’ti voel. Tihre s’ti ilfe, tsi’ ont cuabese usyro. You gvnlii to ouy eltl dna cesebua suhdol feil rhty’ee the yruo eb ahs tnds’hlou one tno waht dgino eles no aciytacp. Yeritla that oignd lal rae uoyr ear hwta ot nssweteis eareoccsssi they to ey’oru. Gonthni em rsamtte. Yoru hvea ti hvae neppaehd, if eht vusohe’dl nseuvier it ,cakb odulw lliw. Imspore made yuo v’tahne tiotwuh nay i taht it metlhilc hghrtou arpa(t luylf nad i ofmr tfrsi idnseisoc ikhgntin. . Who esacu nac velo?) gfiht. Us l’luoy all gbien eht otn apirhyxeetdf dnysmoa nkow i eb of itsh uot no ndfeisr of eterlt hwti. Ouy croef feli cnta’ nsihgt but in tish. Ohter e’htery ehty wokn ,us tbu otn yeht ofr ont good ofr good ti hcae n’tdo wree. Dna yuo etetbr era and wthor ear so oelv tnha eevciedr ytep fseriiphnd ouy of hte hmcu so ucmh omer you thwa erew invge dna. Dlbmea na wodefllo an i but saw ti ned wkdawar ,amoydsn gsthin yas h(ichw oemc ot shwi su uwhtito ot our uaeebcs i theor m)e hyte ti no ot nde eth then sfphieirdn si owladel dna etyh htwa era irsaeolptyn to atcakt wehn oot nbeig rouy utc tuo, oshec the ocdul. Ubt are hte outba fo hrwot teh’vey abeuecs you ont eo’ryu eonn hnitkgni ’vouye r,lwod tslo uoy newh is dan hte hitw ilke lal esintasns popeel rae hwrto tartdee. Su ot eintdn in of ym sday hoytrw dna genbi i hte tfrueu enpds you, efmsyl,.
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Mi’ ,roysr.
Feoirgv leeasp me,.
Yo,u atnkh.
Lveo i ouy.
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Evol,.
Year x me dlo 32.

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