A letter from April 10th, 2020

Peaceful right?

Dear FutureMe, If I'm right, (which I am ofc), today is your 21st birthday. Happy birthday E <3 Who'd have thought we'd get here?? I hope you are getting spoiled, by yourself, and remembering that not all birthdays are terrible :). I hope you still have your dynamos (you better, 'cause they're the bestest friends in the world), to party with, but not TOO hard, 'cause we know how that ends! At this current time, you're probably in the middle (I hope in the middle, please don't procrastinate!!), of writing your dissertation on whatever you have chosen! (I still currently think it should be about white privilege in society, but I won't be mad if you choose something better / easier to research :) ). You've nearly graduated, which is a huge achievement, and you should be extremely proud of yourself for everything you've achieved. You may even have a boyfriend by this time, but don't worry if you don't, boys are overrated ;). As I'm sitting here rn, on my bed, at 8:15pm on a Friday night, in a global pandemic where we have been in lockdown for 15 days (and I / you have been in self isolation for about 29 days), I thought I'd tell you how much I love you. 2020 so far has definitely been a rollercoaster, if you remember, March - now has been the hardest. But you are so worth it. I don't think I know anyone more worth it than you. Don't ever let anyone take you for granted. You are worth so much more than someone just picking you up and using you, but if that does happen, pick yourself up. You've picked yourself up from rock bottom before, you can do it again. With the state of the world at the minute, its easy to crawl back into that part of yourself, who doesn't actually know how much you're actually worth.. (I'm aware I've used 'worth' like 50 times but hey i'm not one with words as we both know). And even though you've done that, for those 29 (and more) days, that doesn't make you weak, or any less what you're worth (again.. I know). The point I'm trying to make is, life is continuously kicking you / us / me down, but you CHOOSE life. Everytime. And that's something to be **** proud of. Like a dandelion through the pavement, I persist. Me and mum have almost finished the fifth season of How To Get Away With ******, (hopefully you've now watched season 6 and figured out what the hell is going on!!!), and I don't think I realised until today how much of a big impact it has had on me. I don't think I've admired anyone more than Annalise Keating. I know she's fictional, but she's incredible. She has made me love myself, which hopefully works out for you because hopefully you are loving yourself more than ever. Things I love so much about you is how kind you are, which I often take as being a pushover, which we can be, but my goodness you have a big heart. And with all that loving and helping everyone else you do, letting them enter your heart, surely there's enough room for one 19 year old who just wants to be happy :). The things I thought I hated about myself / us, are the things that make us, us. The dimples in your cheeks when you smile, and your smile which can be as wide as the Cheshire Cat's when you're laughing. Your eyes which have seen so much, but still can be just as kind when you really look into them, and the creases under them when you smile just proves how much laughing you've done when you're with the right people. The way you are with the kids makes me want to be that girl everyday. I am currently a mess, but aren't some messes beautiful? I'm a work in progress, but I promise you I will work my arse off to make sure that when you receive this, you're as happy as you can be and so loved by yourself. And if you're not? Well, you've survived 100% of your worst days yet. That's 21 years worth. But if you still have your dynamos, can see the kids, have your loving family, a roof over your head, and food on the table, then that's all you need to get through the bad days. There's always sunshine if you look for it, there's always something to laugh or smile about, and there for sure is something beautiful in everyday. You were created with a perfect palette. A palette of intelligence, stubbornness, humour, passion, and beauty and lots more that I'm willing to look into myself to find, for you. I don't know what the future holds, but I will make a future, for you, for me. Love, 19 year old me x

Epilogue

about 2 years later

Dear 19 year old me,

Wow, sometimes I think past me is more wise than current me, but we are the same person so I have that wisdom somewhere ha!...

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S2t1 ym in dcaehng relte,t) you are uidesp ryae nw,o ondw 23 ot my dna ho(w cotpyelelm hatt eifl m’i gikantl in. My swa ti flei tsorw fo nda eyar etsb teh. Ym 21st a ton weer gigon ew ogrhu saw oen, ahptc a an‘o’dyms sa eagtr my em edcthid ibyrdtha oruhthg. And eht thme ouwld i llitte htwi fo ywa w’tonldu tpbremees ndow all omce okwn by indrsfe ,ayre mnlcbirug ttha be idd grohtthuuo ti i any eth. Oyu hatt but cdeir wrroy, or ohbt vei’ no’td cokhs oyu, mhtgi orf nhgoue su of spte,u kmea the. Natw eran’t lal smee emesmtsoi to poplee and hawt nw,ok ttha i tehy you. Rsaeno ti frmo aer eitltl 21ts epleop so slereia ahtt so nulit eht ihntk eary aymn ncaostltyn uorand fo uyo dd’int era aer eterh ttah ptsa ym ew ahtt ustj we rle,ufos. Idnt’d rpdpode gdurtaea uto that ailsicdu i ,raey cemeba i dan enntslyei aosl. Abel i a hwo ewfnonud for inot rohutgh hwo uwdol …ayog veli uhoittw but ogt nde eovl eppilds owkn up nad not ym idnt’d it snoemeo i i to geibn ilef hwit. Thiecllm oru. Sujt olev dna on svptecpiree ouy octpymlele hitrg m,e esh ldowu candheg in lw,rod my sith taht esh’ si hmi ifle thigynreve. .
A a nde tewn ryea nad bcka 12ts pu jlyu niu huoght airdaugntg i fetra ni in adtreugad 3220 :21 off twhi did ayre my ,em i i. Uordp odluw os yuo eb. So am i udrop. Dan a adn eignb dnede tdiaieosntrs ot ulcneolgnis amrsk s’ti cnptieoepr i my on up tcaemeehinv of ffo tsgeibg ym ewf a eth on, ,aetd ): was fisrt.
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Gniivl and tou si’t i tub the nbee ndesiioc mellh,cti whti d,eri deden reev a pu inmvog tbes. Ddie hskco ntrwiig right olt elmidd salt a ti ym ni of dna aws teh roidsasniett ti a dna rnagdda ,yare ,turh. I eulocp cmeo a og ees nmhtso he dha you nad ot oitn uoy trewo to rftae all ubt nda ihws i trteel, you udtocl’n a isvti hmi oyu fo ahtt og eatfr ihm kdlno,cow tou o,ehm awanyy letl ocldu ta. So i( iursevne onkw kbca oyu )iwl,l hsa adb teh lfee otd’n yuro.
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Hwsi atth oucld i ouy tsereh etll i itnhgs. Ma uyo lkei drupo i ohw of. Ltrea i rndeki ntmoem i uyo of how wsa in ot hswi 4 tiesadn hte reasy. Glhniea eisromp ubt uo,y am i i. Hatt i oseht brodbe to k,ile cilhd dna ahve sleyfm tanh ’ntdo ot aelh we i veer ennri korginw sleofur aehl fo uro ma ymslfe no am dnwira saw spatr to us i rmfo ebign knidre bee,n. Nsieec oignpm ryou )eetl,!!rt a i a taefr 4 sa gwinitr nda htsi ehldep nert’a cbeuase esnpewh o,nw ma 31ht we our rtigh adn lwel donfu as i’m adytbihr neurlctry y(se tuo evah d’i no etitll gniog ihsgtn tib pswehne erhotbr we and. Ma knirowg but that si onehtmigs on i. Os stih no tuhr ew eonurbdsia anemyro i elef o’dnt niokgrw am ttha. Si yteh to prbosynitielsi suro to posepel toentcpeixas it itwh not oldh adle era of uor etrho ton u,s. Nad uor’ye that tlo ldhnigo fo a okwn i. ’sit ot ndwo uyo m’i ethso eltnlig gshtin koya tpu. Popdtiains yako levo i’st uoy lppeoe ot. Sruoy el,fi ti’s otn ’ist eucseab thier. To wath eon seecaub gilniv teyh’er hnl’ustod oyur be nad sha lese hte letl cictpaya otn ilef you diong uoy no uhslod. Sswstiene ehty ’ryueo ear aer oryu tarilye to all hawt donig ttah ot srasceocsei. Ttmeasr me ntngiho. Ahve lilw lohs’veud ahev wuold hte k,cab if ti sirveune it uroy ea,dhpnep. Htta ouwitth tvhane’ a(patr hogruth ceihmtll ti higtknni nya rfmo made i i csdieonsi and fluyl uyo ritsf omrieps. . Ausec ohw ?evl)o can ithgf. Hits ansmdoy ylluo’ irdnefs i of lla fo treetl on eb eht tou otn preadtiexfyh with wnko egbin su. Ubt ocfer shti lfei ni ct’na oyu ginsht. Utb hyte rtheo were tno odog reyht’e hcea nokw orf dnto’ su, ton rof ogdo htey it. Ouy so and dna tanh ngiev torhw os het type and rae uhcm olev reom edeiecrv fo you brette aer riepnhidsf ewer chum uyo twha. Taryiolnpes dkwaraw scuaebe inbge teohr sihw lldoweof our cmeo i whta asy on na ellawdo ot utb drhfiipnes (hhciw msoynad, was newh yeth ot cakatt uoyr too dabmle dne hten ot us i is heyt it othwtui ot dne tcu ishgnt ti ocudl dna shoec e)m hte na ear eth out,. Oeu’ry pepoel w,dlor yevo’u is ton kiigtnnh btu ouy rtowh thwi olst ear ’yehvet of lkie nad aesnsnits dtreaet hwen uoy lla oenn esacube hte aer aotub hotrw het. Em,lsfy uertuf pnsed bnieg us dna ym ni ot hte asyd y,ou itndne rywhto i of.
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Rosr,y m’i.
Ivorgef esepla em,.
Oy,u thnak.
Uyo velo i.
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Ole,v.
Odl 32 x me eayr.

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