A letter from April 10th, 2020

Peaceful right?

Dear FutureMe, If I'm right, (which I am ofc), today is your 21st birthday. Happy birthday E <3 Who'd have thought we'd get here?? I hope you are getting spoiled, by yourself, and remembering that not all birthdays are terrible :). I hope you still have your dynamos (you better, 'cause they're the bestest friends in the world), to party with, but not TOO hard, 'cause we know how that ends! At this current time, you're probably in the middle (I hope in the middle, please don't procrastinate!!), of writing your dissertation on whatever you have chosen! (I still currently think it should be about white privilege in society, but I won't be mad if you choose something better / easier to research :) ). You've nearly graduated, which is a huge achievement, and you should be extremely proud of yourself for everything you've achieved. You may even have a boyfriend by this time, but don't worry if you don't, boys are overrated ;). As I'm sitting here rn, on my bed, at 8:15pm on a Friday night, in a global pandemic where we have been in lockdown for 15 days (and I / you have been in self isolation for about 29 days), I thought I'd tell you how much I love you. 2020 so far has definitely been a rollercoaster, if you remember, March - now has been the hardest. But you are so worth it. I don't think I know anyone more worth it than you. Don't ever let anyone take you for granted. You are worth so much more than someone just picking you up and using you, but if that does happen, pick yourself up. You've picked yourself up from rock bottom before, you can do it again. With the state of the world at the minute, its easy to crawl back into that part of yourself, who doesn't actually know how much you're actually worth.. (I'm aware I've used 'worth' like 50 times but hey i'm not one with words as we both know). And even though you've done that, for those 29 (and more) days, that doesn't make you weak, or any less what you're worth (again.. I know). The point I'm trying to make is, life is continuously kicking you / us / me down, but you CHOOSE life. Everytime. And that's something to be **** proud of. Like a dandelion through the pavement, I persist. Me and mum have almost finished the fifth season of How To Get Away With ******, (hopefully you've now watched season 6 and figured out what the hell is going on!!!), and I don't think I realised until today how much of a big impact it has had on me. I don't think I've admired anyone more than Annalise Keating. I know she's fictional, but she's incredible. She has made me love myself, which hopefully works out for you because hopefully you are loving yourself more than ever. Things I love so much about you is how kind you are, which I often take as being a pushover, which we can be, but my goodness you have a big heart. And with all that loving and helping everyone else you do, letting them enter your heart, surely there's enough room for one 19 year old who just wants to be happy :). The things I thought I hated about myself / us, are the things that make us, us. The dimples in your cheeks when you smile, and your smile which can be as wide as the Cheshire Cat's when you're laughing. Your eyes which have seen so much, but still can be just as kind when you really look into them, and the creases under them when you smile just proves how much laughing you've done when you're with the right people. The way you are with the kids makes me want to be that girl everyday. I am currently a mess, but aren't some messes beautiful? I'm a work in progress, but I promise you I will work my arse off to make sure that when you receive this, you're as happy as you can be and so loved by yourself. And if you're not? Well, you've survived 100% of your worst days yet. That's 21 years worth. But if you still have your dynamos, can see the kids, have your loving family, a roof over your head, and food on the table, then that's all you need to get through the bad days. There's always sunshine if you look for it, there's always something to laugh or smile about, and there for sure is something beautiful in everyday. You were created with a perfect palette. A palette of intelligence, stubbornness, humour, passion, and beauty and lots more that I'm willing to look into myself to find, for you. I don't know what the future holds, but I will make a future, for you, for me. Love, 19 year old me x

Epilogue

about 2 years later

Dear 19 year old me,

Wow, sometimes I think past me is more wise than current me, but we are the same person so I have that wisdom somewhere ha!...

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Adn etcyllmpoe s1t2 aeyr kltaign era pusdie 23 ni w(ho wodn ilef my ym to l,rett)e in htta m’i oyu ncehdga onw,. Eht nad eilf my estb wsa ti rtsow ayer fo. A ’‘nsdoaym erew n,oe uhogr sa a targe hhrougt ym wsa me ciddeht s21t tphca rtbdhiay gnogi ton we ym. Beeempstr titlle wkno nsdreif eb of yna mhet idd gmcbirnul yer,a lal eomc ti het hhtrgutoou teh i dan i ldouw thta awy by dwn’uotl wdno iwth. Ekam seup,t eht fo uoy ghenuo ro ive’ ’ndto htmig cdeir htat ubt us ohtb csohk rfo oyrr,w u,yo. All uoy mseeimtso hety i emse re’ant ahtt pepole to dna twha want k,onw. Ouy lilett we it asireel dnuroa we ilntu ttha rehte era intd’d my stap ,efoulsr are os utjs ynam lpeepo of ts21 aer so sonrae form ihtnk raey canotytsnl that het ttah. Eebmca calisiud dpepodr rgatueda tou netliseny ,aery i i slao i’dntd ttha adn. I unofewdn ithw monoees oag…y to elov uhothrg d’ntdi how otn ilev psdlipe laeb ilef i uldwo tnio rof ti nde gto ihutwto but nda my a up ingbe wonk i who. Ruo hmleticl. Nda pteepirvecs enhytreivg si hsit olev on ym atth hse ustj yuo itghr hmi e,m opcellymte ’hse edcngha in feil dulwo ldw,ro. .
Griagdtnua fof i did adutagedr 0322 a htiw pu hohgut ym rafte 1:2 nwte i raye uin i ni s21t uyjl nde a dna reay m,e cabk in. Be so rudop ldouw uyo. Pudor ma os i. T’is i eht ehatmeecvni sftri nad ym det,a a was :) dan few off dnede btsggie nprictoepe siainortdtes ym gbien onlsugincel ,no of ramks a ot on pu.
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Nvmoig i veer ihwt ll,chtime uot deend eenb esbt a up sit’ and eth i,der vinlig utb ondciies. Adnagdr ym ni mdeidl lto rh,tu deid saw and of tlas rsotadtisine hkocs ti intwgir ti a arey, a and rghit the. Tosnmh oueplc i uyo a hda yuo tub og and wyyaan he oecm ftera ot ’uldctno hatt tou a ese aterf eltl uoy oucld yuo to ihws tteer,l mhi lal i ewrot ta onti adn lko,wocnd ihm of ivtis e,omh go. (i os teh oruy nsiveeur w),lil you bcak hsa tno’d efel onwk adb.
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I lodcu i that you esrthe shwi ishngt ltle. Am uoy kiel i woh rdopu fo. Nerkid ohw yuo ralet het i rsyae 4 ot hswi aws ni of onmetm i dastien. Iagnhle but yo,u i smipeor am i. To iek,l heal of edirnk cdlih neinr i beign su ruo on nad bene, otehs was ma trpas i i am hela ot ot dobreb ew yemsfl lesyfm rokinwg orfm ntha eahv veer dton’ niward urolsfe that. As lttlie mopign 4 dna nda a nceies tuo hsti i 3t1h nda pnewshe ew etrfa ,nwo wlle am a veha uebaecs royu tisgnh udfon nhspwee our hritg as ntgriwi eorrtbh tib ’mi rterncluy ngiog le!!tte,)r epeldh dbairtyh sey( no ew ’id etna’r. On nimogeths i ma utb is ttha wnrkogi. Atth leef buonidarse eoryamn ew ruth ma no os ngkorwi i ndt’o tsih. Yhte to dael thiw eisiyilbptorsn usor ton ,us dhol si otn ot olpesep are ti hreto pxoencisaett of ruo. Htat fo a idglhon kwno and i yuore’ olt. Those ntshgi ayok ot ptu wdno oyu ntgeill m’i ’tsi. ’ist eovl uoy iopptiansd to akoy leppoe. Efi,l not osruy st’i bauecse tsi’ teirh. Ecueabs gnodi sha on yuo yuo flie iypccata tno what ot nvgiil be rey’eht uoyr eon ltle nda eesl hdot’unsl dlsohu eth. To eayiltr wtah lal atht to orsascciese are oyru yero’u oingd era yeth estssnwei. Gtnhoin me resttma. Wlodu a,ckb ahve it eht rnuseiev fi eavh ,apnpdehe yruo lus’vodeh lwli ti. Rp(ata fuyll itutohw icisondse ktnhiign emda from i troghuh llheicmt nda tirsf ayn imeorsp oyu va’enth i it htta. . Auecs fihgt hwo anc lve?)o. Oyndsam not no whti eb i sith erltte nfrsdei nwok of ul’oly uto of het us efpdharyxiet nibge lal. T’can ni eifl tbu uoy nighst ferco tihs. Eewr u,s dogo ofr otn good ythe ont wokn r’etyeh for heyt aehc btu otn’d it ohrte. So leov nad uyo owrht rae of were ermo os uhcm nad hcum wtha nigev brtete naht adn ytep edireevc ear oyu the yuo feisrdiphn. Nmoyasd, tehy era dalbem ecmo no ryou ch(hwi oucdl us ti yhet utc tuwitoh an hisw nde whne ltyaniopres akrwwad swa hntgis it rnfihipsed to and i i ned oto heocs ot eignb ctatka the eaubesc to hte lwodfloe teohr is edlwloa ruo an to me) ,uot ays utb tenh awth. Atobu uyo iensstsna enon ear uo’rye all wroth oyu hwit evyu’o of ithknign ertadte keil is ee’yvht eeppol aer when ltso het nda hte odlwr, worth btu ont ascueeb. Us yasd ,fsmley fo rhwtoy nietnd bgine eht nad urfeut my ndspe in i ,uoy to.
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’mi r,oyrs.
,em rigovfe pealse.
Tknha ,uoy.
Loev uoy i.
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Vel,o.
32 em yrae x dlo.

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