A letter from April 10th, 2020

Peaceful right?

Dear FutureMe, If I'm right, (which I am ofc), today is your 21st birthday. Happy birthday E <3 Who'd have thought we'd get here?? I hope you are getting spoiled, by yourself, and remembering that not all birthdays are terrible :). I hope you still have your dynamos (you better, 'cause they're the bestest friends in the world), to party with, but not TOO hard, 'cause we know how that ends! At this current time, you're probably in the middle (I hope in the middle, please don't procrastinate!!), of writing your dissertation on whatever you have chosen! (I still currently think it should be about white privilege in society, but I won't be mad if you choose something better / easier to research :) ). You've nearly graduated, which is a huge achievement, and you should be extremely proud of yourself for everything you've achieved. You may even have a boyfriend by this time, but don't worry if you don't, boys are overrated ;). As I'm sitting here rn, on my bed, at 8:15pm on a Friday night, in a global pandemic where we have been in lockdown for 15 days (and I / you have been in self isolation for about 29 days), I thought I'd tell you how much I love you. 2020 so far has definitely been a rollercoaster, if you remember, March - now has been the hardest. But you are so worth it. I don't think I know anyone more worth it than you. Don't ever let anyone take you for granted. You are worth so much more than someone just picking you up and using you, but if that does happen, pick yourself up. You've picked yourself up from rock bottom before, you can do it again. With the state of the world at the minute, its easy to crawl back into that part of yourself, who doesn't actually know how much you're actually worth.. (I'm aware I've used 'worth' like 50 times but hey i'm not one with words as we both know). And even though you've done that, for those 29 (and more) days, that doesn't make you weak, or any less what you're worth (again.. I know). The point I'm trying to make is, life is continuously kicking you / us / me down, but you CHOOSE life. Everytime. And that's something to be **** proud of. Like a dandelion through the pavement, I persist. Me and mum have almost finished the fifth season of How To Get Away With ******, (hopefully you've now watched season 6 and figured out what the hell is going on!!!), and I don't think I realised until today how much of a big impact it has had on me. I don't think I've admired anyone more than Annalise Keating. I know she's fictional, but she's incredible. She has made me love myself, which hopefully works out for you because hopefully you are loving yourself more than ever. Things I love so much about you is how kind you are, which I often take as being a pushover, which we can be, but my goodness you have a big heart. And with all that loving and helping everyone else you do, letting them enter your heart, surely there's enough room for one 19 year old who just wants to be happy :). The things I thought I hated about myself / us, are the things that make us, us. The dimples in your cheeks when you smile, and your smile which can be as wide as the Cheshire Cat's when you're laughing. Your eyes which have seen so much, but still can be just as kind when you really look into them, and the creases under them when you smile just proves how much laughing you've done when you're with the right people. The way you are with the kids makes me want to be that girl everyday. I am currently a mess, but aren't some messes beautiful? I'm a work in progress, but I promise you I will work my arse off to make sure that when you receive this, you're as happy as you can be and so loved by yourself. And if you're not? Well, you've survived 100% of your worst days yet. That's 21 years worth. But if you still have your dynamos, can see the kids, have your loving family, a roof over your head, and food on the table, then that's all you need to get through the bad days. There's always sunshine if you look for it, there's always something to laugh or smile about, and there for sure is something beautiful in everyday. You were created with a perfect palette. A palette of intelligence, stubbornness, humour, passion, and beauty and lots more that I'm willing to look into myself to find, for you. I don't know what the future holds, but I will make a future, for you, for me. Love, 19 year old me x

Epilogue

about 2 years later

Dear 19 year old me,

Wow, sometimes I think past me is more wise than current me, but we are the same person so I have that wisdom somewhere ha!...

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Ym dna cndehga eifl taht mplcyltoee oyu iaktnlg ho(w i’m et)relt, 21st ym aer 32 ,own ipsdeu reya in in to nwdo. Etbs nda swa of otwrs ym reya eht it iefl. Uorhg e,no terga we a chpat aws as ‘o’nymdas nto a my em rhhgtou rthabdyi idhtedc ym ts21 wree gnigo. Hitw eht tmhe htat yb nad hte cmoe ti i wdlou reya, uton’ldw i tletil ayn mgricunbl ddi fo otgohrtuuh oknw derifns be all espmetebr wya donw. Eiv’ of rrwyo, ahtt do’tn ohguen su ro yo,u icdre tbu boht tgmih amek utsp,e you fro skcho eht. Dan smee to taht nerat’ i lla uoy n,okw tehy natw emmstieos htwa ppleoe. So ctnnaltyso aer apts hatt ew ttah heetr tunil t21s dranou the ihtnk ti eray oyu rmfo mayn ralsiee aer ersano sjtu itltle we so fo htta ym osueflr, poeepl are dtnid’. Dna iasliucd i uot tdni’d a,rye sieentlyn i osal aarduetg prpoedd htat ecameb. Gto nwok a i it nda ppsdeil otghruh my pu to onmesoe rfo bale odlwu ont nito tub i wennoduf twtiuoh olev den htwi viel …oyag how ’inddt how i nbgie fiel. Our ehcltlim. Dan in m,e jtus oletcmlpye adhcnge ouy evctisperep atth inhegtyevr rhgti tihs on my imh sh’e lvoe hse ouwdl iefl is rwlod,. .
T2s1 eayr ryea tgouhh ddugratae a july a akcb and 2320 ffo thiw ym anrudigtga den nui in i idd trfea i up 1:2 in i ,me wnte. Lowud be so yuo dupor. I ma so rupdo. Inebg fo rnstiaiosedt deta, i’ts ot a adn ): ffo eetipprnco on ym n,o smark irtfs stbeigg adn tiaechvmene i swa pu ym iglnoculnes the a fwe dedne.
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Nad scdineio btes eneb a nigvil pu btu dnede vgonmi t’is ,drie lhtimlec, itwh i evre tuo eht. Ti re,ya of anrgdad it trghi ided adn hoksc slta ym inotedrstasi a t,hru ni swa iedmdl eth wgrtini a and lto. Yyaanw ouy iont wtero of wsih mhi ftera ecom adn atth lrttee, to lcoud pouecl tbu uyo go oyu a a lla oehm, ulotcdn’ i visti dna go tuo nthsom ees mhi to you nocokdl,w i he letl etfar had at. Adb esurvein sah uryo i( you onkw hte bakc fele li)lw, os dt’no.
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Nishtg i shiw coudl oyu tath i seerth tlel. Fo hwo i drupo elik ma you. Who hte aletr 4 to of i dsiatne neidkr uyo asw ryase in i hsiw ommten. Ripsome i tbu ma ,ouy i enlhiag. Engbi eysflm on ohets rindke to fo rneni us bobdre to vahe ma ahtt tanh i winrokg our eahl ’odtn and ikel, lueorfs i ot aptrs was am idlch lsfmye form ew rnidwa i lhae vree bne,e. Uot hwpnees dan i !etl!re),t itb edephl a yse( nda tirhg oru as 4 snhtig rhrbote ’di n,wo oggin oyru heav eenisc am im’ taerf wtgrini h3t1 ew a on pwsheen reyrnulct nad ceueabs well erat’n teltli baiyrhdt iths as we fnudo ingomp. I wrnoigk ma no btu gtsoemihn taht is. We uhrt ahtt ayeormn no don’t os grnoikw i am tish niursaeodb eelf. Itwh to nto it rea htey not toreh sripylienbisto ,us usro hldo fo to epetintcsxoa rou ppoeesl ldea si. Nad a eo’yru of atht otl i igholnd kwon. Kaoy ot lentlig isghtn ’mi ist’ tup uyo hotse dwon. Tsi’ iatsipnodp to uoy oayk oelv oleepp. Abucsee ts’i tno yruso t’si ef,il erhti. Ohnld’uts oyru be oen scbueae slee ot et’yhre otn wtha onidg nda on hdosul eth yuo nlgvii uoy elif sah etll cytaiapc. Thaw ot thye are ewsstsnei euoy’r iognd to yiarlet all ttha yuor aer icsraeceoss. Em tnhnoig reamtts. Fi it ehva ruyo illw v’lueshod it aevh acb,k pe,nheadp euvenrsi oudlw hte. You fsitr i oirmspe hhotgru dan i ahtt dcisnoies amed ofmr uyllf nhtav’e yna mclietlh iohttwu it tignkhni ptaa(r. . Hgtif can woh o)v?el seauc. I begni the lal nmyasod on refsind be us of ’olluy shti iyrxedtfaeph teltre onwk tuo nto of twhi. Thsign elif in ihst fcoer yuo utb tcn’a. ,su notd’ fro they erwe utb not ont fro ti odog kwno ehca toehr odog teyh eth’yre. Ear wroht cumh wath more aer ytpe the retbte oyu tanh so oyu dan dna nrfihpesid rieecdev muhc os eerw you vinge voel of dan. Na aitlyenrspo nda awht em) end htey cut den egnib ,ynmsdoa oldewal i ethy odluc i seecbau ot to si us tkatac reoht hetn royu ooldeflw henw are utb iuwotht aawrkwd oot ot tu,o saw soche ebladm na ysa emco infdsprhie eth it to wish h(hiwc stnghi the ti rou on. Lla obuat lppoee hiwt nitgkhin het uyo nsassinet era uaecbes ehnw arteted fo and rlow,d is uveyo’ ’thyeve otn trohw enno tbu the ikel rhotw r’youe tlso era ouy. Dnpse eht adn fo i ndtnie in my enigb to ythrow yads us ufutre uo,y mysle,f.
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Ro,rsy mi’.
Sapele reivfog ,me.
Uoy, ntkha.
Evol you i.
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,velo.
Ldo x 32 em year.

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