A letter from April 10th, 2020

Peaceful right?

Dear FutureMe, If I'm right, (which I am ofc), today is your 21st birthday. Happy birthday E <3 Who'd have thought we'd get here?? I hope you are getting spoiled, by yourself, and remembering that not all birthdays are terrible :). I hope you still have your dynamos (you better, 'cause they're the bestest friends in the world), to party with, but not TOO hard, 'cause we know how that ends! At this current time, you're probably in the middle (I hope in the middle, please don't procrastinate!!), of writing your dissertation on whatever you have chosen! (I still currently think it should be about white privilege in society, but I won't be mad if you choose something better / easier to research :) ). You've nearly graduated, which is a huge achievement, and you should be extremely proud of yourself for everything you've achieved. You may even have a boyfriend by this time, but don't worry if you don't, boys are overrated ;). As I'm sitting here rn, on my bed, at 8:15pm on a Friday night, in a global pandemic where we have been in lockdown for 15 days (and I / you have been in self isolation for about 29 days), I thought I'd tell you how much I love you. 2020 so far has definitely been a rollercoaster, if you remember, March - now has been the hardest. But you are so worth it. I don't think I know anyone more worth it than you. Don't ever let anyone take you for granted. You are worth so much more than someone just picking you up and using you, but if that does happen, pick yourself up. You've picked yourself up from rock bottom before, you can do it again. With the state of the world at the minute, its easy to crawl back into that part of yourself, who doesn't actually know how much you're actually worth.. (I'm aware I've used 'worth' like 50 times but hey i'm not one with words as we both know). And even though you've done that, for those 29 (and more) days, that doesn't make you weak, or any less what you're worth (again.. I know). The point I'm trying to make is, life is continuously kicking you / us / me down, but you CHOOSE life. Everytime. And that's something to be **** proud of. Like a dandelion through the pavement, I persist. Me and mum have almost finished the fifth season of How To Get Away With ******, (hopefully you've now watched season 6 and figured out what the hell is going on!!!), and I don't think I realised until today how much of a big impact it has had on me. I don't think I've admired anyone more than Annalise Keating. I know she's fictional, but she's incredible. She has made me love myself, which hopefully works out for you because hopefully you are loving yourself more than ever. Things I love so much about you is how kind you are, which I often take as being a pushover, which we can be, but my goodness you have a big heart. And with all that loving and helping everyone else you do, letting them enter your heart, surely there's enough room for one 19 year old who just wants to be happy :). The things I thought I hated about myself / us, are the things that make us, us. The dimples in your cheeks when you smile, and your smile which can be as wide as the Cheshire Cat's when you're laughing. Your eyes which have seen so much, but still can be just as kind when you really look into them, and the creases under them when you smile just proves how much laughing you've done when you're with the right people. The way you are with the kids makes me want to be that girl everyday. I am currently a mess, but aren't some messes beautiful? I'm a work in progress, but I promise you I will work my arse off to make sure that when you receive this, you're as happy as you can be and so loved by yourself. And if you're not? Well, you've survived 100% of your worst days yet. That's 21 years worth. But if you still have your dynamos, can see the kids, have your loving family, a roof over your head, and food on the table, then that's all you need to get through the bad days. There's always sunshine if you look for it, there's always something to laugh or smile about, and there for sure is something beautiful in everyday. You were created with a perfect palette. A palette of intelligence, stubbornness, humour, passion, and beauty and lots more that I'm willing to look into myself to find, for you. I don't know what the future holds, but I will make a future, for you, for me. Love, 19 year old me x

Epilogue

about 2 years later

Dear 19 year old me,

Wow, sometimes I think past me is more wise than current me, but we are the same person so I have that wisdom somewhere ha!...

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Ndwo lmolepytce ot my igkatln reya rae ni my ’im o,nw 1s2t hatt dsepiu ttr,e)el how( you dna ehacdng 23 flie ni. Ti ostrw life ym tbse nad swa raye fo hte. ,eno as we geatr apcth a truhogh ewre ton bryitadh giogn swa a ym s2t1 my oughr y‘dnosam’ em idedcht. Mceo i speemrteb tletil nisefrd awy urohguhtto of dtlowu’n lal i nya ti knwo be het by tmhe ahtt oluwd eht adn cgirnbulm ihtw ddi wond r,eya. Thbo ’otdn rfo ubt ei’v yuo eht mkea of r,ywro tghmi eugonh ahtt koshc su ro drcei you, s,tpeu. Elppoe ehty adn msee ’renat natw you to that i konw, lla tawh ieoetsmms. Lytatosncn rea ym tulni raodnu peoelp mfro ,oefusrl ew it utsj rea ew so rsenoa leittl so inkht ouy nyma psta ’ddtni teh that ehetr fo 1st2 atth year aielrse htta are. Dan slao tath nityesnle gaadrtue itn’dd scauiidl eeambc out eayr, i eprodpd i. I iespdlp who who luwod i a utb i nkwo ym fnuenodw nda ofr elif ton it vloe tdnd’i pu itno ot vlei gay…o eomsone tgo edn ttiuohw ebal grohhut bigne hwti. Oru tcmihell. ,owldr is my no grtih she wdulo love elcpytelmo envitgehry just mih seh’ me, uyo htta adn hits in epstreevpic encdhag lefi. .
I off a dan thhogu raey 2ts1 ,em ni ndugaiartg my uni arey duerdgtaa up bcka i a hiwt ddi 12: nde ni 2023 wnte jluy artef i. Oyu be os uldwo pduro. I ma so rpdou. A :) cpineterop needd trsif ym e,dta imteacvehne tesirasondit aws up ot a i the neuligncsol sti’ ym on fof and krasm ggtbies wfe dna of no, ibgne.
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Ebne pu i the a ’tsi deend ried, hiwt tebs ubt eincdois out and lnigvi nimovg icehml,lt veer. Deid nda eht ti ni ardngad wsa urth, ym hscko re,ya dilmde hgtri tsal a rsaoeindttsi olt nda rtngwii a ti fo. To uoy epcluo ’uncltdo nda imh but nayayw oyu i mtnsho you iivst dah yuo at dulco mhi a eh uto go see wish ,loncodwk ewrto og ,omhe artef i a oitn eltl to le,ttre taerf htat oemc lla dna of. Dn’to bda okwn oyu teh uieervsn lefe os ryou w)ill, (i hsa akcb.
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Ihtgns hserte hwis i uyo ulcod i llet ahtt. Am i you eikl fo woh pruod. Woh fo sraye i tlrea ot saw aiestdn uoy i ni mnomte eht wsih ieknrd 4. Am yuo, i heanilg isrmepo btu i. Saprt of ot su etsoh ehla ot wsa cidhl morf eirnn ew vhea k,eil dkneir fmeyls ruo lsyfem igben i no ma n’otd andwri to ma esofurl rebdbo ttha n,ebe tahn i rvee and gwirkon aehl i. (esy lieltt nw,o sa hgtri thrbero poming ruo dan newpesh ibt scneie )re!elt!,t sthi 1th3 llew hldepe a ma i penwhes ryrltecnu rteaf a ’id hvae bseuace gntihs as ew 4 we uot royu undof gtnriiw and nad i’m no igong ihrbadyt aetnr’. I mtginheos nkoirgw no si ttha ma utb. Uonirdsaeb aenymro lfee ma urth tish t’odn i so hatt ew ognikrw on. Ntibilprysseio ear edla ithw speeopl us, si yteh otn suor uor fo scopxeiaentt etorh it ton hdol to ot. Ilngohd dna i wnok olt a atth of ’uyroe. ’mi ntsihg teohs ondw glinlte ot i’st oyka uoy tpu. Snpdotapii eploep kaoy ouy olve to s’it. Si’t not si’t lfi,e ryuos ucebase tirhe. Eilf sacebue the uosnld’ht oen ulodhs dan iglinv tno donig ash twha no ctciapay slee yuo llte uyo re’eyht ot eb rouy. Lyrieat igodn yroe’u lal to atwh to era eyth eirocessacs hatt aer iwnesests ouyr. Me aertstm thoingn. Vhae fi nireusve teh it ppae,dhen kcba, odulw have lilw yoru ’uevhsdol it. Sitfr hatt seiocdnis i i etilhclm pa(atr llfyu rmof hkgnitni nad imesorp you urhoght ittowuh ayn eadm ti atnhv’e. . Tfhig elo)?v who sacue anc. Tno gienb wkon on of eht lteetr be tuo tihw all asnomyd xfhipdrtaeye snerfdi siht us uloly’ fo i. Utb igstnh tshi uoy acn’t life in fcreo. Orf yh’eret it ton’d otn ,us thoer ont tub oodg echa erwe they yteh onwk orf gdoo. Nad hte nad dan so towhr twah epty you veol are eerw dsenirihfp ouy icevrede so anht of you cmuh given umhc btteer era emro. Su ngibe saueebc dne o,tu on ned too to swa httuiwo ot shwi nhew say mcoe snydamo, cesoh ehrto oatiepnlrsy utb mlabde si tcu uoyr ti it an to and i teh owodlfle em) yhte eht ruo ihwhc( cludo hyet na wdoaell npiirhsfde hawt awwdrak ithngs ear i ot enht ckaatt. Eth hnwe are t’hyeve ceusbae otrhw retedta is nad tosl yuove’ ntnsseisa opelpe uoy ktinhgni auotb btu lla fo trohw u’orey l,orwd ton oyu neon eth kiel tihw era. In eht su ym nsdpe gebni wyroht uurtfe dan sey,lmf to ou,y i tenidn of dyas.
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’im rsyo,r.
Foirveg ,em elpesa.
Athkn ,you.
Uoy elvo i.
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Leov,.
X yrae me 32 ldo.

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