A letter from April 10th, 2020

Peaceful right?

Dear FutureMe, If I'm right, (which I am ofc), today is your 21st birthday. Happy birthday E <3 Who'd have thought we'd get here?? I hope you are getting spoiled, by yourself, and remembering that not all birthdays are terrible :). I hope you still have your dynamos (you better, 'cause they're the bestest friends in the world), to party with, but not TOO hard, 'cause we know how that ends! At this current time, you're probably in the middle (I hope in the middle, please don't procrastinate!!), of writing your dissertation on whatever you have chosen! (I still currently think it should be about white privilege in society, but I won't be mad if you choose something better / easier to research :) ). You've nearly graduated, which is a huge achievement, and you should be extremely proud of yourself for everything you've achieved. You may even have a boyfriend by this time, but don't worry if you don't, boys are overrated ;). As I'm sitting here rn, on my bed, at 8:15pm on a Friday night, in a global pandemic where we have been in lockdown for 15 days (and I / you have been in self isolation for about 29 days), I thought I'd tell you how much I love you. 2020 so far has definitely been a rollercoaster, if you remember, March - now has been the hardest. But you are so worth it. I don't think I know anyone more worth it than you. Don't ever let anyone take you for granted. You are worth so much more than someone just picking you up and using you, but if that does happen, pick yourself up. You've picked yourself up from rock bottom before, you can do it again. With the state of the world at the minute, its easy to crawl back into that part of yourself, who doesn't actually know how much you're actually worth.. (I'm aware I've used 'worth' like 50 times but hey i'm not one with words as we both know). And even though you've done that, for those 29 (and more) days, that doesn't make you weak, or any less what you're worth (again.. I know). The point I'm trying to make is, life is continuously kicking you / us / me down, but you CHOOSE life. Everytime. And that's something to be **** proud of. Like a dandelion through the pavement, I persist. Me and mum have almost finished the fifth season of How To Get Away With ******, (hopefully you've now watched season 6 and figured out what the hell is going on!!!), and I don't think I realised until today how much of a big impact it has had on me. I don't think I've admired anyone more than Annalise Keating. I know she's fictional, but she's incredible. She has made me love myself, which hopefully works out for you because hopefully you are loving yourself more than ever. Things I love so much about you is how kind you are, which I often take as being a pushover, which we can be, but my goodness you have a big heart. And with all that loving and helping everyone else you do, letting them enter your heart, surely there's enough room for one 19 year old who just wants to be happy :). The things I thought I hated about myself / us, are the things that make us, us. The dimples in your cheeks when you smile, and your smile which can be as wide as the Cheshire Cat's when you're laughing. Your eyes which have seen so much, but still can be just as kind when you really look into them, and the creases under them when you smile just proves how much laughing you've done when you're with the right people. The way you are with the kids makes me want to be that girl everyday. I am currently a mess, but aren't some messes beautiful? I'm a work in progress, but I promise you I will work my arse off to make sure that when you receive this, you're as happy as you can be and so loved by yourself. And if you're not? Well, you've survived 100% of your worst days yet. That's 21 years worth. But if you still have your dynamos, can see the kids, have your loving family, a roof over your head, and food on the table, then that's all you need to get through the bad days. There's always sunshine if you look for it, there's always something to laugh or smile about, and there for sure is something beautiful in everyday. You were created with a perfect palette. A palette of intelligence, stubbornness, humour, passion, and beauty and lots more that I'm willing to look into myself to find, for you. I don't know what the future holds, but I will make a future, for you, for me. Love, 19 year old me x

Epilogue

about 2 years later

Dear 19 year old me,

Wow, sometimes I think past me is more wise than current me, but we are the same person so I have that wisdom somewhere ha!...

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Are emoptlcley kagiltn in iuepds my hatt w,on in ilef ot im’ 1s2t ym l)re,ett dnwo 23 and oyu dgaehcn (how ayer. Erya the it adn ilfe asw fo stwro ebst my. Aws a o‘s’adnym ym ghuhrot ton uhrog ,eon cehdidt tacph a as st21 em trhiybda we erew ioggn ym grtea. Of eb ti ddi odwlu nay i wdl’otun ,raye all rbicmgnlu totugohuhr dwon yb tehm that snefdir ersmbpeet nda ittell ocem the i way whit onwk the. Of uy,o us khocs eohngu tbu ttha odn’t fro hotb p,eust ecrdi ro tgmih vi’e eakm yuo het ror,yw. To dna opleep thaw yuo i atht mese eyth essoemtim kwo,n t’nera tnaw all. Of are tlinu oyu tnkhi are yanm ti fmro llttei ym yare 2t1s ppleeo ttah so tath so orsean era srloefu, we htta eth we etehr rdouan leearsi utjs tpsa nd’tid ntnactyslo. Uto aiculsdi sloa i aemceb daagture d’nitd neletyins odrpdep that i nad ,eyra. Aog…y i blea my onnwdeuf nowk itno rof ilpepsd ot woh pu with begni owh utithow lvei oeomsne ntdid’ evlo thuorhg a ubt dlowu otg not i nda i it end elif. Rou iecltlmh. Mih hse rheitynegv loev ujts she’ m,e thirg my no si lefi ordlw, atth achdneg nad in uwldo yuo tsih cerpitepesv peleytlocm. .
Eftra i 21: i itudaggrna ddi hwti ujly pu ni cabk a off ni yaer uhhtgo i m,e nad my end enwt a t12s uin 3220 dtdaeugra yaer. Be loudw ouy uopdr so. Am os i odrup. My ym ,no tsi’ a einulngsclo avtcinemeeh and steoidnasitr tea,d of gebgits pu ot on ): rksam off gnbei fwe a dna sfirt swa dened pineetpcro i het.
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I ebst up wiht nvmoig teh eendd ivnlgi s’ti bnee ir,ed and tuo a neodiics ever ceh,lmlit tub. Of hut,r ghtri ayer, stal wsa lot rtnigiw adn it hkocs aostnidistre ni ti my a het aagdrdn eidd edmild a dna. Adh yaanyw tub i cut’ndlo to ouy ihm a oyu moe,h tonshm a lal uoy svtii go moce eh ellt og and nad yuo atfer ta oplcue to otni fo i iwsh ese ahtt efrta ihm dwcolko,n woert t,relte uot cuold. Teh acbk oyu abd os wkon ash lfee euvnesri dtno’ (i uroy lwi,)l.
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Tlle ehster you ttah ucold i shwi stghni i. Who pduor liek i am of yuo. Wsa irdekn i aesnidt syrae lrtae etmonm 4 ouy ot ishw who teh ni i fo. Btu soirepm linghea i am yu,o i. To no sfemyl ,ebne borebd eahl htta us am wdnair to msyefl nto’d giowknr athn veer engbi uro ot fo ldihc ennir eavh ,iekl ew orfm ma aleh sptra asw eindkr i i ehtos fruelos and i. Iyhrtadb dna thigr thsi a our lewl !le,er!t)t ma ena’rt cleurrtyn sa 13th nieesc erhotbr ryuo edhepl d’i nwo, udfno we y(se evha a we lttlei mi’ ehsenwp dan sa out 4 no i bti efrat going hewesnp nad pimgno ghstni irgniwt cesuabe. Tsgmiehon am tath i si oigwrkn tub no. No yeomarn reisobnuda ttah elef i so hurt oikwrgn shit ’dton we am. Fo ldho ti neoxptiasect ot not ton rous si rae eadl s,u iwht to othre tyhe ruo iplesyostinrib popeesl. Uor’ey that hilnogd fo i a tlo nwok and. Ayko sgthni to ouy i’ts nligetl tup seoth ’mi odnw. Vleo yako ot sit’ eopepl ioitnpsadp uyo. Not lf,ie yorus tsi’ abcsuee ’tsi hriet. Olhusnt’d aycactip yrou hatw uyo sha dna lees teh slhoud ielf ot csuebae no oen eb llet otn lngvii gnoid e’ytreh oyu. Lal teyh iyeatlr ot sarcsesoeic era ot oury ry’eou wtah era htat isswtesen indgo. Atemsrt gnhinto em. Urevisne veah eavh lwli het royu owdul it nea,pdhep ’elsdhovu ,bcka it fi. Nt’ahev ylufl ihngtikn any i riomspe rtisf ahtt ttiwouh ceidoissn i deam it rmof ecmitllh r(ptaa nad uoy ouhgthr. . Who ?evlo) nac fithg uecas. Fo no be tihs eettlr nsriedf tno peheiyatdfxr teh uot yl’olu all htiw of us snyomda gnieb wonk i. Reofc tub lfie ’acnt hsit ni nghits ouy. Orf oogd not it h’treey ceah yteh nwko tno rof doog thye od’tn rwee tbu rehto ,su. Thaw os owhrt hmuc eewr of ienvg tnah os elvo nad hte are and mroe ouy rae hucm yuo rtebte ispneifdrh evedcire yuo dna pyte. Adns,oym hetn to c(whhi wehn hyte chsoe ot wledola cueeabs na it ot,u het rou tcu ti em) htore an sitghn ned waht is aedbml het einposarytl to wshi yas saw hyte oto yoru but rae i tctkaa ngeib otiwhtu su i on to wfodloel wwarkad end uldco ecmo adn friiesnphd. Twrho ehnw lal aetretd eht fo wroht asbueec tbuao rw,dlo rae ouy tbu poelpe nneo ear lkie ikngnthi tno hwti ’roeyu nda eeth’vy snnsatise slto si uovye’ eht oyu. Yfseml, ruefut my i teh nda dinetn nbeig pdesn to fo su syad uy,o ryothw ni.
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M’i s,rroy.
Selape orifgve em,.
O,uy htakn.
Oyu vleo i.
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,vole.
Reay 32 em old x.

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