A letter from April 10th, 2020

Peaceful right?

Dear FutureMe, If I'm right, (which I am ofc), today is your 21st birthday. Happy birthday E <3 Who'd have thought we'd get here?? I hope you are getting spoiled, by yourself, and remembering that not all birthdays are terrible :). I hope you still have your dynamos (you better, 'cause they're the bestest friends in the world), to party with, but not TOO hard, 'cause we know how that ends! At this current time, you're probably in the middle (I hope in the middle, please don't procrastinate!!), of writing your dissertation on whatever you have chosen! (I still currently think it should be about white privilege in society, but I won't be mad if you choose something better / easier to research :) ). You've nearly graduated, which is a huge achievement, and you should be extremely proud of yourself for everything you've achieved. You may even have a boyfriend by this time, but don't worry if you don't, boys are overrated ;). As I'm sitting here rn, on my bed, at 8:15pm on a Friday night, in a global pandemic where we have been in lockdown for 15 days (and I / you have been in self isolation for about 29 days), I thought I'd tell you how much I love you. 2020 so far has definitely been a rollercoaster, if you remember, March - now has been the hardest. But you are so worth it. I don't think I know anyone more worth it than you. Don't ever let anyone take you for granted. You are worth so much more than someone just picking you up and using you, but if that does happen, pick yourself up. You've picked yourself up from rock bottom before, you can do it again. With the state of the world at the minute, its easy to crawl back into that part of yourself, who doesn't actually know how much you're actually worth.. (I'm aware I've used 'worth' like 50 times but hey i'm not one with words as we both know). And even though you've done that, for those 29 (and more) days, that doesn't make you weak, or any less what you're worth (again.. I know). The point I'm trying to make is, life is continuously kicking you / us / me down, but you CHOOSE life. Everytime. And that's something to be **** proud of. Like a dandelion through the pavement, I persist. Me and mum have almost finished the fifth season of How To Get Away With ******, (hopefully you've now watched season 6 and figured out what the hell is going on!!!), and I don't think I realised until today how much of a big impact it has had on me. I don't think I've admired anyone more than Annalise Keating. I know she's fictional, but she's incredible. She has made me love myself, which hopefully works out for you because hopefully you are loving yourself more than ever. Things I love so much about you is how kind you are, which I often take as being a pushover, which we can be, but my goodness you have a big heart. And with all that loving and helping everyone else you do, letting them enter your heart, surely there's enough room for one 19 year old who just wants to be happy :). The things I thought I hated about myself / us, are the things that make us, us. The dimples in your cheeks when you smile, and your smile which can be as wide as the Cheshire Cat's when you're laughing. Your eyes which have seen so much, but still can be just as kind when you really look into them, and the creases under them when you smile just proves how much laughing you've done when you're with the right people. The way you are with the kids makes me want to be that girl everyday. I am currently a mess, but aren't some messes beautiful? I'm a work in progress, but I promise you I will work my arse off to make sure that when you receive this, you're as happy as you can be and so loved by yourself. And if you're not? Well, you've survived 100% of your worst days yet. That's 21 years worth. But if you still have your dynamos, can see the kids, have your loving family, a roof over your head, and food on the table, then that's all you need to get through the bad days. There's always sunshine if you look for it, there's always something to laugh or smile about, and there for sure is something beautiful in everyday. You were created with a perfect palette. A palette of intelligence, stubbornness, humour, passion, and beauty and lots more that I'm willing to look into myself to find, for you. I don't know what the future holds, but I will make a future, for you, for me. Love, 19 year old me x

Epilogue

about 2 years later

Dear 19 year old me,

Wow, sometimes I think past me is more wise than current me, but we are the same person so I have that wisdom somewhere ha!...

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Nad rae 1t2s w,no ym 32 wdno atht hgnecad i’m ot sipeud ym in lclteeymop uyo )ltte,re (owh yare lief ni tkailgn. Wsrto ti file tsbe yera teh fo my adn was. Hibydatr a aregt ym s2t1 am‘dny’os noigg we not thdeicd a saw hruog ym me thohurg ,neo as hpcta erew. It e,rya nad ithw fiesndr eth hmte nya all dolwu tguorthuoh did eb lietlt yb thta temrsepbe hte ndwo ocem i awy nokw nlt’duwo nmrbuligc i fo. Yrowr, the diecr yuo, us btu of you htmig thob fro v’ei t’dno akem ro atht eput,s honueg hkcso. I lal you etyh memoitsse tawn tea’nr to nad wtha mese htat popeel know,. Seanor lsraeie leoepp ofrm uaonrd we ttille os utsj fo uyo hte ti myan hitkn ew trehe 1st2 sle,oruf tdd’ni era spat atth era lntiu so hatt ynnoatcslt ym yrae htat rea. Ualcisdi deroppd i atht tgaauedr ntinleesy out did’tn eeambc dna lsao i y,rea. I pu ym eabl otn ensmeoo a thiw ohw lduwo nad i to i who nwko otrhghu evli btu for ya…og enodunwf flie olev tnid’d bigne oihwutt end ogt iton plidpes ti. Elclhitm uor. M,e vcertpeipse nda iefl mih hsit dluwo on si mtlloyepce acndgeh vleo ’ehs wdor,l ihtgr yuo atht esh my vrhgenetyi in utjs. .
Uni 2230 a raey i dne up i 1:2 year ym a oguhth i in m,e iudgagartn ts12 dna teafr off agtedurad in ddi yjlu nwet ckba htiw. Oyu be so uropd would. Proud i os am. Off rsnsdtaoitie fo sbgegit a teh my arksm egluoinnlcs sirft nda i’ts iepotcnrep pu ewf ae,dt i no dna on, my ): nibeg ot ednde icahtmevene a aws.
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Dndee teh iwht insocdei llemitch, i btu btes veer ingmov e,rid adn up a lingvi otu is’t eben. Tdsranteiios a ni dlemid fo ym adgnrad cshok tngwiri itrhg slta teh and and u,rht ti aws a ti otl ddei r,eay. A o,ndcwolk og utb htta efatr i ,ehom ot roetw hnmtos ynaawy ferat ese dha oyu ocdul of og ihm opucel eltret, hiws oint cmeo a at and you uot i tvsii he tell all him ot nad ouy ’ldcnout uyo. The bad ahs inrseevu lwil,) ruyo uoy i( wkno elef os back ’tdon.
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Yuo i luocd taht hwis hetser ingths i ltle. Updor i am klie uoy ohw of. 4 to i syera yuo of asw swih hte lraet meotnm in iseatnd kdrnei woh i. I uyo, i ma rpsoeim elignha utb. Ahtt kl,ie ehsto dikern eylmsf eodrbb lhae ee,bn gbnie reev i uro rnnei no dinwar to vhae ma ongrkwi nda asw i ot spatr hael oueflrs child am i ofmr ot selymf fo us thna tdno’ ew. !rl,!teet) no we yrou istghn abihdytr ew gmionp ghrti ggoin am sa brotehr et’arn usaeceb d’i as adn thsi otu a 4 nytrucelr tigrniw pheled i ’im adn tlitle tbi freta uro oufdn w,on y(es newhpes ahev encies a lewl dan 3t1h wepsehn. On isgetmhon i that is rikngwo utb am. Ma i ont’d os shit we goriknw no rhut ernoamy elef thta adonbisuer. Si lhod are to otn to caonisttpeex suro ,su hwit of ti lesppeo not etorh ruo yhte btlinesiporsiy eadl. Wnko yr’ueo a and i otl of that dohngil. Eshot wndo to tnshgi oyka ti’s yuo etnligl ’im upt. Eelppo kyoa i’ts veol yuo podpsaitni ot. Yruos ’sti ton it’s euesbca fie,l rtieh. Usceabe etrhy’e ctcyapai uoy gnido vligin and ud’solnht efil the you lese not holdsu eb no wath to uyro sha lelt neo. Ot isnestwes tyeh er’uoy athw iasecrcsose era ot rieatyl thta igndo oyur ear lal. Me mrteats ngthion. Oruy if nursieev avhe dpapene,h het se’doulhv it ti would cbak, haev llwi. Ti uoy i (atrap yna fisrt oghhurt csdnoiies i seropim atth oiuhtwt nnihitkg ylufl ormf adn edma h’avten thleclmi. . Gfthi ov)e?l anc owh aesuc. Lla teh i hipetrfdayxe sith ihwt tuo of us eb etrelt on myonsda not l’louy ibegn sinferd kwno fo. T’cna isht yuo in nghsit ocrfe utb file. Ofr ehac nto ’ntdo thyer’e ,us know yteh ewre tub it rtohe eyth godo oodg not fro. Nad ucmh fo yuo dpshreifin ear brttee hte so yuo dna atwh thna ouy gniev oemr elov cuhm trowh rae erew type iedcveer so nad. I yas it i twha me) hswi eomc hisntg yetlinaopsr su utb to an teyh kwardwa nhet teh yoru to het aer ctu saceeub nda ti den lbdame is llwoade nmadsy,o eflloowd iirphdfsen aws ,out tkacat uor inbeg tthiwou ned ot hecso rtoeh hety uocld oot na ot hch(iw nhew on. Gkhntnii is dorlw, nda fo the ecauesb slto ubt oatub er’yuo the lla hwne ear oyu eyethv’ ekli owrht anstsesin rae iwht wthor veou’y nnoe dtaeret people tno you. Aysd to m,yfles desnp dan us rtuuef ou,y teh in i bgein of orytwh my ntidne.
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Orrys, m’i.
,em eslape fevogri.
Hktan uo,y.
Uyo i vole.
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,love.
23 x em ldo aery.

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