A letter from April 10th, 2020

Peaceful right?

Dear FutureMe, If I'm right, (which I am ofc), today is your 21st birthday. Happy birthday E <3 Who'd have thought we'd get here?? I hope you are getting spoiled, by yourself, and remembering that not all birthdays are terrible :). I hope you still have your dynamos (you better, 'cause they're the bestest friends in the world), to party with, but not TOO hard, 'cause we know how that ends! At this current time, you're probably in the middle (I hope in the middle, please don't procrastinate!!), of writing your dissertation on whatever you have chosen! (I still currently think it should be about white privilege in society, but I won't be mad if you choose something better / easier to research :) ). You've nearly graduated, which is a huge achievement, and you should be extremely proud of yourself for everything you've achieved. You may even have a boyfriend by this time, but don't worry if you don't, boys are overrated ;). As I'm sitting here rn, on my bed, at 8:15pm on a Friday night, in a global pandemic where we have been in lockdown for 15 days (and I / you have been in self isolation for about 29 days), I thought I'd tell you how much I love you. 2020 so far has definitely been a rollercoaster, if you remember, March - now has been the hardest. But you are so worth it. I don't think I know anyone more worth it than you. Don't ever let anyone take you for granted. You are worth so much more than someone just picking you up and using you, but if that does happen, pick yourself up. You've picked yourself up from rock bottom before, you can do it again. With the state of the world at the minute, its easy to crawl back into that part of yourself, who doesn't actually know how much you're actually worth.. (I'm aware I've used 'worth' like 50 times but hey i'm not one with words as we both know). And even though you've done that, for those 29 (and more) days, that doesn't make you weak, or any less what you're worth (again.. I know). The point I'm trying to make is, life is continuously kicking you / us / me down, but you CHOOSE life. Everytime. And that's something to be **** proud of. Like a dandelion through the pavement, I persist. Me and mum have almost finished the fifth season of How To Get Away With ******, (hopefully you've now watched season 6 and figured out what the hell is going on!!!), and I don't think I realised until today how much of a big impact it has had on me. I don't think I've admired anyone more than Annalise Keating. I know she's fictional, but she's incredible. She has made me love myself, which hopefully works out for you because hopefully you are loving yourself more than ever. Things I love so much about you is how kind you are, which I often take as being a pushover, which we can be, but my goodness you have a big heart. And with all that loving and helping everyone else you do, letting them enter your heart, surely there's enough room for one 19 year old who just wants to be happy :). The things I thought I hated about myself / us, are the things that make us, us. The dimples in your cheeks when you smile, and your smile which can be as wide as the Cheshire Cat's when you're laughing. Your eyes which have seen so much, but still can be just as kind when you really look into them, and the creases under them when you smile just proves how much laughing you've done when you're with the right people. The way you are with the kids makes me want to be that girl everyday. I am currently a mess, but aren't some messes beautiful? I'm a work in progress, but I promise you I will work my arse off to make sure that when you receive this, you're as happy as you can be and so loved by yourself. And if you're not? Well, you've survived 100% of your worst days yet. That's 21 years worth. But if you still have your dynamos, can see the kids, have your loving family, a roof over your head, and food on the table, then that's all you need to get through the bad days. There's always sunshine if you look for it, there's always something to laugh or smile about, and there for sure is something beautiful in everyday. You were created with a perfect palette. A palette of intelligence, stubbornness, humour, passion, and beauty and lots more that I'm willing to look into myself to find, for you. I don't know what the future holds, but I will make a future, for you, for me. Love, 19 year old me x

Epilogue

about 2 years later

Dear 19 year old me,

Wow, sometimes I think past me is more wise than current me, but we are the same person so I have that wisdom somewhere ha!...

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2s1t t)tre,le uoy rae 23 gachned my spuide wn,o ’im o(hw aery yotmlecelp tath ni file ot nwod in my nda taligkn. Eray adn iefl wsa btse orstw it of het my. Eewr a hgtohur wsa trage me 21ts hurgo ym ,noe thpca ym ongig y’oms‘and otn we hceidtd as tyiahbrd a. Ti limbngcur yb i i touldwn’ donw idd tiwh eth cmoe any be nresdif loduw tlelti the lla yra,e ohrtthuuog meth of resmpebet ahtt wnok dna yaw. Gnhoue tobh ouy us mitgh ndo’t deirc eiv’ eht for thta fo ro eamk tbu wr,yro coshk y,uo ,estpu. Emse tyeh ’etanr to twah i mmsteioes and lla natw ahtt ,wokn poeple yuo. Lleitt ew ntdid’ opelep you s1t2 etehr ew ptas nkthi ym sornae thta of ujst era ti rea atolnctsyn litun eayr urfos,el sreelai so ahtt hatt so rea ormf odranu myna eht. Iteenlsyn dntdi’ dna lisduaic aosl yrea, ataerdug tuo ahtt i baecme i prpddeo. Ot oundewfn dlwou nbgie utothiw leba adn fro ievl moosnee ndt’id htiw yo…ag oint pu wnko how eilf my a it i dne hughrto ogt ubt i lsiepdp not i vole woh. Rou ctlhmlie. Pseeirtvpec ol,dwr in oevl sutj tish my tehvyrgine hgnaced dna yuo is mhi ilfe dwluo on ,me seh’ ehs atht mlceepotly tgihr. .
Den i efart htiw my i raey i ni hgutoh uljy iun yera wnte a a nda :12 ,em 1t2s did dnirtgguaa up in fof tudardgae kacb 2032. Odwul puord be uoy so. Porud so i am. Ewf ym dan my dndee on, a was teh ot ,daet a ipetpnoerc of dna pu kamrs gnebi is’t off itrsf i :) nlgncseuoil esiggtb no oidaersttsni hcteanmeeiv.
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T’is pu e,rid eth vgiinl odiceisn deend i wtih eben migvno and clmeihlt, vere a tbes tou btu. It a,yer ni ym fo adn a iddeml tuhr, lats tol toitediasnrs hte kchos drganda aws ti githr ided a adn tgriinw. I eh iotn lowondkc, a go em,oh siwh itsiv go nda fo tell lla at oyu a ubt ot coem nthosm yuo ttha yuo aeftr wynaya to adh hmi ocplue ee,lttr erfta nda ntoudc’l otu oterw i uodlc see uyo mhi. I( ouy )i,wll abd efle abck wkon dton’ os uoyr eht ahs eisvuren.
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I lelt hwis ttah loucd rheets i tnigsh yuo. I ma keli rodpu uoy fo how. Shwi teh kniedr eyars saw 4 leart how fo dsatein in ot i onemtm i yuo. Premosi ma i yu,o lagenhi i utb. Sefrluo uro was ew nda nath us rinne syfeml oetsh ymsfle aehv dekrin okinrgw bbedro od’tn to sptra of ehla bnieg ma i i dwiarn atth idclh hlae neb,e on e,ikl eerv ot fomr ot i am. Ehpswne ew neecis as nad out noigg dna tean’r tbi rhdyitba 4 otrehrb !el)e,tt!r leittl treaf a i ma rouy adn eephld itghsn uor m’i d’i ebaeucs 3ht1 sa sey( cuyrntler ,won nmgoip rigintw well on seewhpn sith hvae rgtih a ew onfud. No si rwgkoni i ubt mgtoenshi am tath. On d’ton uansrbdoei ma i tath mynaore wgnkroi isth rhtu eelf ew os. Ear torhe not hldo our netlyborspiisi dale heyt oeeplps to hwit suro espnxitcatoe ,us to otn is fo ti. I fo tlo ghndilo hatt nda euoyr’ a wokn. Instgh upt ot tegllin ayko ’im dnow uoy i’st ethso. Iotsipdpna si’t loepep oyu kayo leov to. T’is itreh srouy elf,i not cbausee ’sit. Thaw you ehtyr’e oyu lees sueabce goidn flie cctyipaa eht llet ouldsh nto on hsa adn yuro nhsudolt’ be ot vgiiln oen. Ru’oey rae scsrsaeeico twiseenss tayeirl to aer lal atth ehyt idgno oyru ot tahw. Smtetar iotnnhg em. Rensvuie b,cak will o’lhdsveu vhea it eahv het ti uowdl yuro fi ,eppnadhe. Nkntiigh tirfs praa(t grouhth frmo n’ehvta ayn yuo uwthoti i tlclmhei meda uflyl it ieodiscsn i espoirm nad thta. . Ohw acn )o?elv fgthi ascue. On ton ifresnd eb smonady sthi lla fo yrepexatihfd tretle hitw su uto fo nowk het ’uyllo i igneb. Hsti btu ouy ni tc’na lefi oerfc thgisn. They orf rof ton ertho do’tn ythe btu nowk odog er’hety hcea u,s oogd it ont were. Erttbe are twha nda eomr cmhu ouy fo adn rea eht ypet ienrdpfshi nievg ouy nda hrtow oyu cidrveee wree os hatn os elvo uhcm. It hihc(w pdrnsefhii ouyr to doolelwf den wsa rleyntipaso oyn,mdas otrhe tneh tyeh ceuabse hwne the na oto ecsoh edn ctatak nda awht to ear i eht nthsgi )em tub us ot yeth tuo, shwi oadlewl iebgn our tcu on it wadrkaw ealbdm ysa to ecom i tuihwto lucdo si na. Htrwo otbua eilk peeolp nda ro,ldw is era yvoe’u iwth eassnitns btu neno trowh tedeatr newh of all teh heetv’y euyro’ ear ton cubesea lots hte uoy uoy tnignhki. Asyd dennit to bineg eurutf the lmyfs,e rywhto in nad su yo,u i my nedsp fo.
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Yro,sr i’m.
M,e laseep eiovgrf.
Uo,y kahnt.
Loev you i.
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E,lov.
23 eayr em x dol.

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