A letter from April 10th, 2020

Peaceful right?

Dear FutureMe, If I'm right, (which I am ofc), today is your 21st birthday. Happy birthday E <3 Who'd have thought we'd get here?? I hope you are getting spoiled, by yourself, and remembering that not all birthdays are terrible :). I hope you still have your dynamos (you better, 'cause they're the bestest friends in the world), to party with, but not TOO hard, 'cause we know how that ends! At this current time, you're probably in the middle (I hope in the middle, please don't procrastinate!!), of writing your dissertation on whatever you have chosen! (I still currently think it should be about white privilege in society, but I won't be mad if you choose something better / easier to research :) ). You've nearly graduated, which is a huge achievement, and you should be extremely proud of yourself for everything you've achieved. You may even have a boyfriend by this time, but don't worry if you don't, boys are overrated ;). As I'm sitting here rn, on my bed, at 8:15pm on a Friday night, in a global pandemic where we have been in lockdown for 15 days (and I / you have been in self isolation for about 29 days), I thought I'd tell you how much I love you. 2020 so far has definitely been a rollercoaster, if you remember, March - now has been the hardest. But you are so worth it. I don't think I know anyone more worth it than you. Don't ever let anyone take you for granted. You are worth so much more than someone just picking you up and using you, but if that does happen, pick yourself up. You've picked yourself up from rock bottom before, you can do it again. With the state of the world at the minute, its easy to crawl back into that part of yourself, who doesn't actually know how much you're actually worth.. (I'm aware I've used 'worth' like 50 times but hey i'm not one with words as we both know). And even though you've done that, for those 29 (and more) days, that doesn't make you weak, or any less what you're worth (again.. I know). The point I'm trying to make is, life is continuously kicking you / us / me down, but you CHOOSE life. Everytime. And that's something to be **** proud of. Like a dandelion through the pavement, I persist. Me and mum have almost finished the fifth season of How To Get Away With ******, (hopefully you've now watched season 6 and figured out what the hell is going on!!!), and I don't think I realised until today how much of a big impact it has had on me. I don't think I've admired anyone more than Annalise Keating. I know she's fictional, but she's incredible. She has made me love myself, which hopefully works out for you because hopefully you are loving yourself more than ever. Things I love so much about you is how kind you are, which I often take as being a pushover, which we can be, but my goodness you have a big heart. And with all that loving and helping everyone else you do, letting them enter your heart, surely there's enough room for one 19 year old who just wants to be happy :). The things I thought I hated about myself / us, are the things that make us, us. The dimples in your cheeks when you smile, and your smile which can be as wide as the Cheshire Cat's when you're laughing. Your eyes which have seen so much, but still can be just as kind when you really look into them, and the creases under them when you smile just proves how much laughing you've done when you're with the right people. The way you are with the kids makes me want to be that girl everyday. I am currently a mess, but aren't some messes beautiful? I'm a work in progress, but I promise you I will work my arse off to make sure that when you receive this, you're as happy as you can be and so loved by yourself. And if you're not? Well, you've survived 100% of your worst days yet. That's 21 years worth. But if you still have your dynamos, can see the kids, have your loving family, a roof over your head, and food on the table, then that's all you need to get through the bad days. There's always sunshine if you look for it, there's always something to laugh or smile about, and there for sure is something beautiful in everyday. You were created with a perfect palette. A palette of intelligence, stubbornness, humour, passion, and beauty and lots more that I'm willing to look into myself to find, for you. I don't know what the future holds, but I will make a future, for you, for me. Love, 19 year old me x

Epilogue

about 2 years later

Dear 19 year old me,

Wow, sometimes I think past me is more wise than current me, but we are the same person so I have that wisdom somewhere ha!...

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Feil n,ow wodn 2t1s my mi’ rlt)t,ee h(ow yuo ot hadgenc 32 pesdui ni nad ni eotclylemp ym taht italkgn ryea ear. Erya ilef my adn it teh estb of swa sotwr. S1t2 m’o‘ndyas a tdhicde thorguh aregt nto sa em ew o,en eewr swa achpt my ym horgu ggnio a thadrbyi. Idd leiltt ahtt huhotoutgr nkwo i tonlwdu’ all it htiw yb wya be retemebsp i eth r,yae mteh eth cemo nodw any clirubnmg adn ferinds fo dluwo. Us gtihm nuoghe tohb ryo,wr orf riedc dnto’ kcohs hatt of but ro uyo, etp,su uoy teh ’eiv akme. Eems adn atwn htta all wn,ok you esiemostm hety atren’ elpope hawt i ot. T21s htat eaonsr iddn’t khitn are lyctsotann het opplee eisaler ear amyn aer it ttha so loursfe, so fo stap ym oyu rethe ew lleitt ew rduano ultni ofmr htat ryea sjtu. Ardueatg dpdorep syltniene ddint’ i i dna ,yrae tuo cusidlai osal ahtt ceaebm. Tog den ot igben ton up aelb ouwdl onit okwn ’dntid oituthw o…yag hrgohut fnunewod thiw sdlppei feli i ti ym i ofr nad evlo monesoe ohw i tub eilv a how. Leilmhtc uro. R,dlow ghirt ifel e’hs ni elplcoymte vcrspeteeip yuo si on vireneghyt wlodu hsit m,e love adn esh ihm my tjus egcahdn hatt. .
Bkca tnew ym end thiw idd a iadggtruan 2032 jyul and uin ayer off 1:2 i ni oghthu i up i yare rdeadagtu ni earft e,m 1ts2 a. So be uwdol uordp oyu. Ma urdpo i so. No pu adte, adn and my ): uoilsennglc a htcvianemee teh tsi’ ksamr wef to i off a nibeg ertdniiastso was ym eednd rcontpeepi fo n,o stgigeb risft.
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Sebt s’ti been utb rd,ie cindeosi eevr lvgnii el,htilcm hiwt tuo nedde i and a pu hte gvinom. Fo it ym eht okhsc lot rut,h ddrngaa rtihg ttsiaironsde a adn nad ledidm a,ery edid iwnrigt was in a it tals. Trfae a to see tub lupoce ahtt ta nloocd,kw lal i wnyaya to ftear i lelt ihsw eh,mo he uoy ouy trweo e,tetlr go vstii niot dan meco tuo nomhst you cdlou go uoy of imh had imh a u’tncldo nda. So ,)ilwl has senurvei (i uoy eelf bda o’ndt bcak the kwon ouyr.
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I i tnsigh trehes loduc atht wshi you lelt. I ma who eilk you opdur fo. Rayse ni swa of het tnaides i sihw you to indkre mtomne 4 hwo i eartl. I msipeor lnighea utb i ma y,uo. Am rnien nda ma ruo ahel veah ew ot to okginrw gbein l,eik erve su adnwri rfmo sprta to no of aws lmfyse nridke sfmley orseful odnt’ i dilch htat e,bne ahel bebord i oehts tnha i. Mgnoip clrynteur sy(e pswnehe am hits esncei a etfra ngoig ’mi dan ellw sa adn ew robtehr a ttliel ruo hnigts uto 3th1 bit rniitwg ee)!tr,t!l girht cesubae uondf hepdle we o,nw rhydatbi i on eepshwn enrat’ 4 dna ahve d’i sa ruoy. No owirgkn thta ubt am si i gthisonme. Os ma no iueodrabsn i nmeyora hatt ew tshi kgrwino lfee tod’n thru. It su, suor not ldea aer eoplpes is to insipieortylbs of twhi rteoh ruo tyeh epianotcesxt hldo nto ot. A i ye’uor olt fo kwon htat dnlgoih nda. Kayo to ownd hoste einlltg m’i yuo ’tis nghtsi tup. Tpipsdnoai akyo lvoe eopple oyu to t’is. Lfie, tno ouysr tiehr causbee ’tsi t’si. Bueaecs iefl ash dingo uohdsl eon nda htaw ’treyeh uyo eb uhnld’tso nto eth on nliivg to you piycatca sele ryuo tell. Seesarsccio are awth ot itryeal ot ogidn all tswsneeis eroy’u tath rae oyur tyeh. Me tmretsa gtninho. Lwdou it if ea,ephnpd cabk, illw vhae rouy invesreu it ehav the vsdl’uohe. Nya nad i ristf oyu atrap( iendsiocs goruhth etilmlhc dame wtoituh epmrsio htta i gninhtki ehanvt’ it mfor fylul. . Woh tgihf ueacs lveo)? nca. Kwno of fo su out retelt texrapyifedh bigne het dosnmay o’luly wthi shit lla no tno desrnif be i. Gsthni uoy in isth ofrce acn’t but file. Tno ythe rof wree r’etyeh s,u hrtoe eahc oogd ti rof btu wkno dgoo tond’ nto thye. Tretbe ypte uoy rea rae dan eorm ntha twohr so tawh rcvdieee uchm veol redfinpish nda yuo cumh reew hte gnvie os fo dna you. Rtisyalpnoe nbgie hety then ti het cesho den an asw (hhicw tsnhig waht no htreo asy den fllweodo tub to to oto ryou i wtuoiht emco rae edhnpifisr ynom,ads colud enhw su ot rwdwaak utc ktaatc ebaseuc teh an adn olldeaw si our ,tuo ishw admbel hyet i it to me). Subecea nto is lla hte rae thiw atsenssni tlos rea of wldr,o eilk wneh utaob lpepoe uyo nad o’eyuv wroht eatertd you rouey’ het tub iitknhgn neno wotrh yeh’etv. Entndi gbeni wyrtho in het ym ydsa nad mlyfs,e uo,y i fo uftrue su to pnsde.
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’mi srr,oy.
Em, slaeep govrife.
Kathn uy,o.
You i vleo.
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Ovel,.
Em 23 reya x ldo.

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