A letter from April 10th, 2020

Peaceful right?

Dear FutureMe, If I'm right, (which I am ofc), today is your 21st birthday. Happy birthday E <3 Who'd have thought we'd get here?? I hope you are getting spoiled, by yourself, and remembering that not all birthdays are terrible :). I hope you still have your dynamos (you better, 'cause they're the bestest friends in the world), to party with, but not TOO hard, 'cause we know how that ends! At this current time, you're probably in the middle (I hope in the middle, please don't procrastinate!!), of writing your dissertation on whatever you have chosen! (I still currently think it should be about white privilege in society, but I won't be mad if you choose something better / easier to research :) ). You've nearly graduated, which is a huge achievement, and you should be extremely proud of yourself for everything you've achieved. You may even have a boyfriend by this time, but don't worry if you don't, boys are overrated ;). As I'm sitting here rn, on my bed, at 8:15pm on a Friday night, in a global pandemic where we have been in lockdown for 15 days (and I / you have been in self isolation for about 29 days), I thought I'd tell you how much I love you. 2020 so far has definitely been a rollercoaster, if you remember, March - now has been the hardest. But you are so worth it. I don't think I know anyone more worth it than you. Don't ever let anyone take you for granted. You are worth so much more than someone just picking you up and using you, but if that does happen, pick yourself up. You've picked yourself up from rock bottom before, you can do it again. With the state of the world at the minute, its easy to crawl back into that part of yourself, who doesn't actually know how much you're actually worth.. (I'm aware I've used 'worth' like 50 times but hey i'm not one with words as we both know). And even though you've done that, for those 29 (and more) days, that doesn't make you weak, or any less what you're worth (again.. I know). The point I'm trying to make is, life is continuously kicking you / us / me down, but you CHOOSE life. Everytime. And that's something to be **** proud of. Like a dandelion through the pavement, I persist. Me and mum have almost finished the fifth season of How To Get Away With ******, (hopefully you've now watched season 6 and figured out what the hell is going on!!!), and I don't think I realised until today how much of a big impact it has had on me. I don't think I've admired anyone more than Annalise Keating. I know she's fictional, but she's incredible. She has made me love myself, which hopefully works out for you because hopefully you are loving yourself more than ever. Things I love so much about you is how kind you are, which I often take as being a pushover, which we can be, but my goodness you have a big heart. And with all that loving and helping everyone else you do, letting them enter your heart, surely there's enough room for one 19 year old who just wants to be happy :). The things I thought I hated about myself / us, are the things that make us, us. The dimples in your cheeks when you smile, and your smile which can be as wide as the Cheshire Cat's when you're laughing. Your eyes which have seen so much, but still can be just as kind when you really look into them, and the creases under them when you smile just proves how much laughing you've done when you're with the right people. The way you are with the kids makes me want to be that girl everyday. I am currently a mess, but aren't some messes beautiful? I'm a work in progress, but I promise you I will work my arse off to make sure that when you receive this, you're as happy as you can be and so loved by yourself. And if you're not? Well, you've survived 100% of your worst days yet. That's 21 years worth. But if you still have your dynamos, can see the kids, have your loving family, a roof over your head, and food on the table, then that's all you need to get through the bad days. There's always sunshine if you look for it, there's always something to laugh or smile about, and there for sure is something beautiful in everyday. You were created with a perfect palette. A palette of intelligence, stubbornness, humour, passion, and beauty and lots more that I'm willing to look into myself to find, for you. I don't know what the future holds, but I will make a future, for you, for me. Love, 19 year old me x

Epilogue

about 2 years later

Dear 19 year old me,

Wow, sometimes I think past me is more wise than current me, but we are the same person so I have that wisdom somewhere ha!...

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Adn ow(h otyllemepc s1t2 tee,lt)r 23 my uyo aer ttha anghdce ni ni my w,no yaer to efil ’im nowd sepudi gitknal. Erya ti eht my eifl etbs aws adn otwsr of. Sa hrguo swa ydaitrhb ,noe ptach a my eidhcdt ew trega otn my ugothrh o’am‘dnys eerw st21 a ginog me. Moec eth bsepmrtee mhte eth dowul ucibrmngl un’otldw be ywa yb i kown i ayn ddi fo rsndefi ttha all nodw eiltlt htogouhutr it ear,y dan hwit. Uyo y,uo shock yw,rro rof ohuegn of ,utsep vei’ cierd ihtgm su htob ro keam het ttah tdno’ but. ’nrate ntwa no,wk thaw msomteise hatt esem dan all ethy ot lepope you i. Aseilre ouy so ear myan aer ti 2t1s os eosanr that taht we rnouda hetre we kinth epelpo hatt ear tnctonasly my lelitt taps lreo,fsu yrae ormf teh indd’t tsju of ntliu. Aecemb uedargta auicsdil pderpdo alos i tou taht i dan d’dtin yetnnilse ar,ey. A beal hroghtu and otg luowd i i itowhut evlo who orf epslidp gbien ndneuofw ilev owh to hwit aogy… it nto dne ’tidnd wkon nooesme i my oitn up lfei utb. Rou cetimlhl. Ithrg my uwdol tath restcpepevi on hes si ehangdc ovel and ilfe nthrgyieve yptomecell yuo h’es e,m in sith l,rwod imh stuj. .
I dne 1:2 jluy ts21 my thhugo a yare gautadnirg up ,me a ni aery drduaetga i ni 0223 whit i iun nad idd ewtn bcka off rftea. So ouy udwlo be rpduo. Pdour so i ma. I ’tis fof up fwe ardtnsoeitis of ngbie and cnopeetpri etgsgbi :) swa on aedt, ineunlcslgo mkars my ,no ended a a eht adn itfsr ym ot veeeimctanh.
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Lectihm,l a inedisoc eerv nedde niivlg nbee up i iwht dire, ogvinm tbse tub tou the dna si’t. Y,rea ganddar oskch dide it h,utr ti a adn a rwnigit fo het ym ithgr tlo tiinastorsde lmdeid tasl adn was in. Hmi ihws mtohsn see nad lla ouy a utb nad lelt you ot eh iton uoy og ynayaw ulcdo lcepuo itivs owkdon,lc otu trefa go i cemo at a ele,rtt etorw yuo atht ahd mhi teafr to tnd’cluo i oe,hm of. Uoy ckba (i iveesnru teh efel dab ash o’tdn yuro w)l,li os kwno.
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I uyo wshi ldcou ttah hsgnit eltl retehs i. Hwo am odpur oyu fo liek i. Ot hwo inseadt ni was hwsi knried of eth you aesry ltare i mometn i 4. Ghneila ,you i smirope i tub ma. Saw we rbdeob ot no myesfl dna i am eahl atht i veha evre us aprts n,eeb grnikwo ingeb ruo irnen to radwni oesulrf than rofm il,ke dn’ot ot am of drkeni clhdi emyfsl i hsoet ealh. I 4 a dna no tgnish d’i uroy eniecs ’trnae htirg ertfa odfnu sacbuee th13 tlietl gimonp eavh sa ctrlnyeru nitrgiw ewll ow,n and sa s(ey erl!!e)t,t ew am tib trobher hedepl uot dan a pswneeh siht ew our bdiayhrt ’im oiggn swhnepe. But i mhienostg am on htat inogkrw is. Flee so htsi wikorng i sdbioeaurn atth on nryamoe ew dt’on ma hurt. Uor ldoh ot ldae tpeissyirilonb are ttpeaxinecso fo s,u lepspoe it not si rheto otn hety orus thiw to. Ryu’oe dan nkow i ahtt nghiold a lto fo. Yoka you shteo tup lgtnlie ot ’mi t’is donw ngihts. T’si indoptpais ouy kaoy ot pepleo leov. Rihet yrsou ebsaeuc is’t s’ti ei,lf ton. You sah uyo aayticcp wtah ot ehyrte’ abcesue gdino file neo llte your hte viingl eb t’usdohln tno no eels shodlu nad. To ythe dongi eoscarcises rea wneestiss to are u’yoer lyatrie uyor ttah whta lal. Ttamesr nnhtoig me. It husov’dle avhe eapephn,d ckb,a fi sviunree vaeh your llwi hte lwduo it. Twituho ti uoy i yan that espmiro eadm tginikhn from and cmhiletl urohhtg yfull aart(p sniedcios i eh’tnva rtisf. . Eol?)v hwo scaue igfth anc. No bieng ont hte xtfphaeyeird tou lla wnko eltret eb dsrfien lu’yol i htsi fo adnoyms hwti us of. This fiel yuo tbu oefcr ni gihnst t’nca. Fro rfo dogo were ont tno wonk oodg ti they ,us haec teroh yhet tbu ’dnot ye’erth. Othrw ecdeievr thna ucmh and henrispfdi era era you evlo ouy nevig so eht uyo adn wath eypt mhcu rbttee of ewre emro so nda. I ot wsa ktacta to it adn whotitu drwakaw tyeh the eslnypiatro uor us eth asy aueebsc tub siwh fewolldo laolwde eigbn oot to ihsngt an den m)e oruy ebaldm utc i(hcwh end omec ohsce wnhe fihiepdsnr htne na is locud t,ou i no ti htye dmoy,ans otehr ot hatw era. Oyu nweh dl,owr hiwt uoy of nesstisan eatedrt yveuo’ ont aer hingnkit era pelope none uabot teh hrotw slot towrh lal eascbeu hyvtee’ tbu e’rouy lkie is nad eth. My of the dna syad us nedps fme,lys i to iendtn urtufe rwohyt ni begin o,yu.
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Im’ ryr,os.
M,e pslaee evogifr.
Yo,u aknth.
Vloe i ouy.
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V,elo.
23 x ldo raye me.

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