A letter from April 10th, 2020

Peaceful right?

Dear FutureMe, If I'm right, (which I am ofc), today is your 21st birthday. Happy birthday E <3 Who'd have thought we'd get here?? I hope you are getting spoiled, by yourself, and remembering that not all birthdays are terrible :). I hope you still have your dynamos (you better, 'cause they're the bestest friends in the world), to party with, but not TOO hard, 'cause we know how that ends! At this current time, you're probably in the middle (I hope in the middle, please don't procrastinate!!), of writing your dissertation on whatever you have chosen! (I still currently think it should be about white privilege in society, but I won't be mad if you choose something better / easier to research :) ). You've nearly graduated, which is a huge achievement, and you should be extremely proud of yourself for everything you've achieved. You may even have a boyfriend by this time, but don't worry if you don't, boys are overrated ;). As I'm sitting here rn, on my bed, at 8:15pm on a Friday night, in a global pandemic where we have been in lockdown for 15 days (and I / you have been in self isolation for about 29 days), I thought I'd tell you how much I love you. 2020 so far has definitely been a rollercoaster, if you remember, March - now has been the hardest. But you are so worth it. I don't think I know anyone more worth it than you. Don't ever let anyone take you for granted. You are worth so much more than someone just picking you up and using you, but if that does happen, pick yourself up. You've picked yourself up from rock bottom before, you can do it again. With the state of the world at the minute, its easy to crawl back into that part of yourself, who doesn't actually know how much you're actually worth.. (I'm aware I've used 'worth' like 50 times but hey i'm not one with words as we both know). And even though you've done that, for those 29 (and more) days, that doesn't make you weak, or any less what you're worth (again.. I know). The point I'm trying to make is, life is continuously kicking you / us / me down, but you CHOOSE life. Everytime. And that's something to be **** proud of. Like a dandelion through the pavement, I persist. Me and mum have almost finished the fifth season of How To Get Away With ******, (hopefully you've now watched season 6 and figured out what the hell is going on!!!), and I don't think I realised until today how much of a big impact it has had on me. I don't think I've admired anyone more than Annalise Keating. I know she's fictional, but she's incredible. She has made me love myself, which hopefully works out for you because hopefully you are loving yourself more than ever. Things I love so much about you is how kind you are, which I often take as being a pushover, which we can be, but my goodness you have a big heart. And with all that loving and helping everyone else you do, letting them enter your heart, surely there's enough room for one 19 year old who just wants to be happy :). The things I thought I hated about myself / us, are the things that make us, us. The dimples in your cheeks when you smile, and your smile which can be as wide as the Cheshire Cat's when you're laughing. Your eyes which have seen so much, but still can be just as kind when you really look into them, and the creases under them when you smile just proves how much laughing you've done when you're with the right people. The way you are with the kids makes me want to be that girl everyday. I am currently a mess, but aren't some messes beautiful? I'm a work in progress, but I promise you I will work my arse off to make sure that when you receive this, you're as happy as you can be and so loved by yourself. And if you're not? Well, you've survived 100% of your worst days yet. That's 21 years worth. But if you still have your dynamos, can see the kids, have your loving family, a roof over your head, and food on the table, then that's all you need to get through the bad days. There's always sunshine if you look for it, there's always something to laugh or smile about, and there for sure is something beautiful in everyday. You were created with a perfect palette. A palette of intelligence, stubbornness, humour, passion, and beauty and lots more that I'm willing to look into myself to find, for you. I don't know what the future holds, but I will make a future, for you, for me. Love, 19 year old me x

Epilogue

about 2 years later

Dear 19 year old me,

Wow, sometimes I think past me is more wise than current me, but we are the same person so I have that wisdom somewhere ha!...

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Atth my telter), eylecptmlo n,ow yuo udpsei in to yrea dan ni ym (owh 23 neadchg onwd 1ts2 gitnlak flie aer mi’. Sbet asw year lefi ym adn hte it tosrw of. Aphct getar oghru ggnio my me idecthd saw ym utghohr ew a adhytibr weer ,eno as a nd‘yaoms’ s12t ton. Okwn oludw idd i dan irfsdne ecmo yb mteh seepbrmet ohttghruou tieltl of dnow wya all be raey, het nldtow’u i nya uicblgrnm it with het ahtt. Ouy, tub ro gihtm oeughn e’vi for p,tuse ciedr hte su of atth tbho ouy yrow,r tdo’n mkea kocsh. Ethy ntwa all atth athw ,know and to i lpeepo eesm ean’tr yuo esemtimos. You tath fu,lsoer it adurno ear nmya relaise 2s1t enroas ew teh omrf theer aer leitlt of tjsu idt’nd nytstlcona astp ahtt pleeop taht ew arye aer os lntiu os ym hiknt. Egadutra laos i ceebma nda icldusai uot i r,yea ttah nletsneyi dopedrp ’iddnt. A oenmsoe yga…o liev hwit eingb i dna konw for up i ti owh ned eifl uldwo gto nowefudn but i ldspeip blae owh my not toghhur ’ditdn eolv ot inot httiouw. Lclmthie rou. M,e iretpveepsc ttah lwduo tsih stuj no ym neheygitvr ehs life mhi ritgh hcngaed ’seh in lvoe melopyclet is ouy drwo,l dna. .
A yera t2s1 i ataudriggn i thiw fof did ni ,me kbca up wtne yaer tohguh 2:1 ljuy a my i ni 0223 edgtrudaa nad trfea nde uin. Ouy would prdou eb so. I ma os dprou. S’it dan ,date nda pu sgeibtg mrsak ot no ym i inbge nleuilcnsgo eddne sritf teh efw off iteprepnoc fo :) ,no ym a a was ivhteamcene tadsrieinots.
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Rdi,e neeb wthi i eht tbse gnivmo nviigl evre otu a s’it inescido ubt up ,cellithm dndee dan. Tniiwrg okhsc ti ,htur a dan my hrigt limedd nriatsidsoet a otl ary,e het astl asw eddi nad in gdnadra it of. ,rlette ,oehm ferat nayayw og you you a i tou itvsi of yuo ’notclud mih ese uyo etrfa eh tnio onhsmt hwsi dah a mih coem to btu atth ot lla ta and llte i lko,ncdow trwoe uoldc lpoceu go adn. ,wl)il so uryo wkno sha ckab flee ondt’ adb het einurevs (i uoy.
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Tsheer htat i ltel odluc i hitsgn yuo whsi. Leik uodpr ma fo i hwo you. Eth aws i dastine how iwhs i uoy to irdekn fo onmtme 4 in ersya retal. I ianhelg i rpomsie am ,ouy tub. Lcdih heav i nbeig us i to uor i ie,lk lahe am am hsteo idekrn reev bbreod yflems on niern psrat ttha asw to eahl mofr nath dton’ rfeousl ew koingwr nda to of eeb,n msylfe dwnari. Tgniirw a adn fnduo tydbairh no,w a uyor no yse( pswhnee uto rrcuylnet sa am ’mi dna dhpele ew pmngoi cienes vaeh tihs uro eftar lwel we tbi 1th3 i ehrrtbo as snweeph eatnr’ tree!)l!,t githr ubacese i’d sinhgt tletil oingg 4 nad. Mhsnoetgi tbu ma no is ttah nkirwgo i. We rnikgwo so i atth hist eudbrnosia am on ruht ndot’ flee oemnrya. Hdlo is it ,su stoieaentcxp ton lieniriosbsytp ot terho ont of srou eald ot ear rou lepspoe hyet tihw. Wokn i of eory’u dna a hdligno atht tol. Ghnsti to aoyk nwod oseht s’it yuo linetlg utp im’. Olve opepel aoky noppdisiat ot uyo ts’i. I’ts ist’ ief,l suory ehtir uacbees otn. Sbeecua on yrou sah eles dna llte ot uontsldh’ not eno ifel ogdni glinvi awht icycaapt uoy you eb souhld eht yteerh’. Era are ouyr tawh eu’yro yitrael thta isstewsne ot all hyet ot ndogi eiscseoscra. Gtnnhio ramtest em. Evrnsuie liwl ,pehnpeda royu lwuod hte fi ’uhevdsol abk,c it vaeh have it. I dna gurhtoh it ttah uoy lhtlcemi htnkiing frsti ufyll adem aar(tp hav’nte rofm eprmiso i yan ieosisdnc wtouith. . Nca e?lov) hwo ghtfi eusca. Eignb be on nwko xfteihapedry iwth tno su dersfin olu’yl tou teh siht rettle of i fo all nomsday. Tbu uyo tnc’a nghits shti freoc in life. Ehty orf ’ndot eahc odgo rewe rtheo dogo not tub wkon eht’yer not it teyh ,su orf. Yuo weer orme and cuhm revicede uyo so uyo ptye era thna eht hmcu olev era nad wath wohtr eettrb rinisphefd nad of os enivg. Pnerisdhif aws nhew heyt si em) hatw ays adlmeb and ducol ocehs na i eht thye it kdawawr dlefoolw hoiwutt hh(wci era hitnsg ehtn ruyo but ti i ngbie katatc to het eocm ot too us on rtohe odaelwl tou, nde na ucaeebs to osnmdy,a ot end oyniearsltp ruo tcu shwi. ’vuoye is tno rae htve’ye yuo atbou eppole sseannits eth yor’eu enno lkie ttderea thwi rwoth eth easubec but iihgktnn of stol rea all d,rlow orwht nad nehw uyo. In fo se,ylfm su dna uueftr rtyohw to ngibe ydsa ou,y pensd nnited ym i eht.
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Im’ r,syro.
Girvfeo peelas m,e.
Thkna ,oyu.
Oyu leov i.
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Lvoe,.
X lod eyra 32 me.

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