A letter from April 10th, 2020

Peaceful right?

Dear FutureMe, If I'm right, (which I am ofc), today is your 21st birthday. Happy birthday E <3 Who'd have thought we'd get here?? I hope you are getting spoiled, by yourself, and remembering that not all birthdays are terrible :). I hope you still have your dynamos (you better, 'cause they're the bestest friends in the world), to party with, but not TOO hard, 'cause we know how that ends! At this current time, you're probably in the middle (I hope in the middle, please don't procrastinate!!), of writing your dissertation on whatever you have chosen! (I still currently think it should be about white privilege in society, but I won't be mad if you choose something better / easier to research :) ). You've nearly graduated, which is a huge achievement, and you should be extremely proud of yourself for everything you've achieved. You may even have a boyfriend by this time, but don't worry if you don't, boys are overrated ;). As I'm sitting here rn, on my bed, at 8:15pm on a Friday night, in a global pandemic where we have been in lockdown for 15 days (and I / you have been in self isolation for about 29 days), I thought I'd tell you how much I love you. 2020 so far has definitely been a rollercoaster, if you remember, March - now has been the hardest. But you are so worth it. I don't think I know anyone more worth it than you. Don't ever let anyone take you for granted. You are worth so much more than someone just picking you up and using you, but if that does happen, pick yourself up. You've picked yourself up from rock bottom before, you can do it again. With the state of the world at the minute, its easy to crawl back into that part of yourself, who doesn't actually know how much you're actually worth.. (I'm aware I've used 'worth' like 50 times but hey i'm not one with words as we both know). And even though you've done that, for those 29 (and more) days, that doesn't make you weak, or any less what you're worth (again.. I know). The point I'm trying to make is, life is continuously kicking you / us / me down, but you CHOOSE life. Everytime. And that's something to be **** proud of. Like a dandelion through the pavement, I persist. Me and mum have almost finished the fifth season of How To Get Away With ******, (hopefully you've now watched season 6 and figured out what the hell is going on!!!), and I don't think I realised until today how much of a big impact it has had on me. I don't think I've admired anyone more than Annalise Keating. I know she's fictional, but she's incredible. She has made me love myself, which hopefully works out for you because hopefully you are loving yourself more than ever. Things I love so much about you is how kind you are, which I often take as being a pushover, which we can be, but my goodness you have a big heart. And with all that loving and helping everyone else you do, letting them enter your heart, surely there's enough room for one 19 year old who just wants to be happy :). The things I thought I hated about myself / us, are the things that make us, us. The dimples in your cheeks when you smile, and your smile which can be as wide as the Cheshire Cat's when you're laughing. Your eyes which have seen so much, but still can be just as kind when you really look into them, and the creases under them when you smile just proves how much laughing you've done when you're with the right people. The way you are with the kids makes me want to be that girl everyday. I am currently a mess, but aren't some messes beautiful? I'm a work in progress, but I promise you I will work my arse off to make sure that when you receive this, you're as happy as you can be and so loved by yourself. And if you're not? Well, you've survived 100% of your worst days yet. That's 21 years worth. But if you still have your dynamos, can see the kids, have your loving family, a roof over your head, and food on the table, then that's all you need to get through the bad days. There's always sunshine if you look for it, there's always something to laugh or smile about, and there for sure is something beautiful in everyday. You were created with a perfect palette. A palette of intelligence, stubbornness, humour, passion, and beauty and lots more that I'm willing to look into myself to find, for you. I don't know what the future holds, but I will make a future, for you, for me. Love, 19 year old me x

Epilogue

about 2 years later

Dear 19 year old me,

Wow, sometimes I think past me is more wise than current me, but we are the same person so I have that wisdom somewhere ha!...

.
Ni ot my pudies ilef nchedag gainktl lpecyolemt ryae ter),etl (ohw 21ts uoy donw ttah o,wn i’m rea ym nad 23 ni. Ryea it leif rtswo swa nda fo eht ym bste. Oruhtgh ym ichdtde o‘smyan’d ym aws ew sa em a a tno iabdhtry tgare uorhg ngiog t1s2 rewe ,eon aphtc. Nya lal mceo be uuhotrtgho ’dnolwut odluw wya niuglbmcr etbmpseer eray, dan owdn the ehmt snirdef eht yb wtih ddi i of tlltie that know i it. Us ’iev ksohc btu t,sepu rr,wyo oeuhng meak ,uoy imgth o’tdn ttha hte or fro fo thbo icedr you. Eyht trne’a dan imsoeemts that i eems ahwt pepoel oknw, wnat ouy ot all. Leeppo my 21ts aundro taht reeht era kihnt esiarel rae rae fmro ddnit’ hte aseonr cntanstlyo thta utjs tiellt htta of yanm ryae rfe,suol psta it os nluit uyo ew ew os. Lntyniees i i’dndt abeecm tou euargtad r,yae ilusidca eodppdr olas atht i dan. Ay…go btu i espplid ogt tndid’ loev flei up a ti bgine uodlw nde nto omeosen feownndu able ym hwo rof itwh nad ownk woh ilve tutwioh i i itno ot uhgthro. Uor hlleimct. Ernhteiygv empytclloe tihrg ifel ,owdlr angdceh ihts ym h’es si uwdlo dna ni seh atth ujts no ovle em, imh yuo iecpetpesvr. .
M,e in pu hwti i rageuaddt hgtouh ryae a year 21: a idd tenw i off cbak t1s2 ftera i and ni den ym inu ylju 0232 uagtndarig. Eb so oldwu uoy pdour. I udpro so am. Dtoisaenistr ot i’ts dna ewf sakrm the :) i ated, no pu a sftri my nad my on, fof a dened fo ignonusellc epirctnepo ggetbsi egbin ecmveanthei wsa.
.
Viilng but tou nda tihw iodsceni teh a ,redi vinmog up erve i eednd stbe cl,mehlit s’ti eben. A and rtigh iedd t,hru aadgndr ltsa the itwrnig it hkcso was a ti isdasreintot lto ni rey,a ym lieddm fo and. Fo itvis etll you dan og tub teafr i at telret, hstmno mih him pcelou all sihw to ese ratef cemo tath eh nad go uto a i a dut’nlco worte to oyu yuo ownckodl, niot dha udocl ayanwy ouy oehm,. Nwok yuo eht so w,ll)i ash elef ackb ’otnd uryo adb i( srnvieeu.
.
Eltl eherts hatt i snhigt wsih you i ocdul. Opdur ma lkie of oyu who i. Ni iwsh i tdeisna ot rleat momnte sraye the saw ikdner i 4 of woh you. Isrmeop i i gehanli utb ma uoy,. No ma nerni ihcdl bbroed nath elha to fo rflsueo apsrt eerv i ekirdn ot mlseyf htat swa elha adn mfsyle ’tnod we ki,el gienb am form i teosh su our andwir vahe i bene, ogkrwin ot. Hvae dan uro epehswn ngpmio ghitr tshgin ,own itletl i ellw hpdlee a bescaeu inwigrt nad irhyabdt h1t3 dfonu rutercnyl ngoig niesce sa s(ye ma ,!r)elett! rouy ’mi bherotr we enrta’ 4 adn shenewp sa otu shti a ew no earft ’id bit. Is no esmhtgnoi ubt wknorgi i ahtt am. ’tond oernaym leef no nberuasiod wigkrno ew ttha htis ma i rhtu so. Of thwi ti rehto rsou uor cxopeasnteti ton adel ibsoiyenprslit ot dohl are to slpopee s,u not si yhte. Olt ruoey’ a hdligno fo hatt kwon i adn. Ihsntg ndow itlegln ayok ts’i ot m’i eotsh put uoy. Oyka pinospadit ot peploe oyu ’its levo. Hietr saubeec not uysor si’t i,elf ’sit. Doshul oen yuo uyo to sh’ulnotd hatw icpycata eht and letl no oyru niligv aubcees be flei nto yreet’h hsa gniod eesl. To ltryaie ot hyet what oyru atht eu’oyr saseiercsco ogdin all ear aer sseeitnws. Noghitn me tmrstea. Vaeh vueiners uyro it lwli ti vuldshoe’ dapepe,nh dluwo eahv eht cbka, fi. Aemd gknnitih prmosei rat(pa oyu i taht hitmlcle omrf sesciodin ohuhgtr i ’avneth ti yullf trsif and hiwtuto nay. . Ole)v? ihtfg owh ecusa nac. Iwht fo of us srdnfie nto owkn eb lla tuo eht olylu’ ymsndoa i no igenb hist rtelte ehtpefxdirya. File uyo ’antc eorfc in tsnghi tihs ubt. Su, eerw rof yhet gdoo nto tno ofr tub hrote ogod ehac nkwo it tyeh d’tno etry’eh. Idvecere uyo rea oyu pedfsnhrii eewr much uyo and orem beertt nad rae chum so love twroh of so ivgne dan wtah tyep the athn. Yeth seebauc nihgst dan edn tub iotarsepnly htey ckatta ays utc hwihc( ned on na ucodl ti ecosh to htaw ti ut,o uyro awdarkw thoitwu laweold the malbde to si enth era us e)m eldolofw ot orthe ibnge iidhrpsfen omec i ndsoa,my i hte ot swa an nhew uro oot wish. Ngnhiitk of tslo wotrh the nwhe ruoy’e teh rteeadt yoe’uv aubot isnsantes kiel ee’thyv wiht era nnoe htrwo lla poleep btu you aer ouy nto eaeucbs si and rlwdo,. Ym benig yasd hwyotr lme,fsy and to fo eufrut eht u,oy i dneint us in senpd.
.
Yorrs, ’im.
Vreoigf me, asplee.
Tnahk y,uo.
I ovel uoy.
.
Lv,oe.
Ayer x dlo 32 em.

This user has written an update to this letter.To see what they wrote, please

Press ← and → on your keyboard to move between letters

Write new comment

Load more comments