A letter from April 10th, 2020

Peaceful right?

Dear FutureMe, If I'm right, (which I am ofc), today is your 21st birthday. Happy birthday E <3 Who'd have thought we'd get here?? I hope you are getting spoiled, by yourself, and remembering that not all birthdays are terrible :). I hope you still have your dynamos (you better, 'cause they're the bestest friends in the world), to party with, but not TOO hard, 'cause we know how that ends! At this current time, you're probably in the middle (I hope in the middle, please don't procrastinate!!), of writing your dissertation on whatever you have chosen! (I still currently think it should be about white privilege in society, but I won't be mad if you choose something better / easier to research :) ). You've nearly graduated, which is a huge achievement, and you should be extremely proud of yourself for everything you've achieved. You may even have a boyfriend by this time, but don't worry if you don't, boys are overrated ;). As I'm sitting here rn, on my bed, at 8:15pm on a Friday night, in a global pandemic where we have been in lockdown for 15 days (and I / you have been in self isolation for about 29 days), I thought I'd tell you how much I love you. 2020 so far has definitely been a rollercoaster, if you remember, March - now has been the hardest. But you are so worth it. I don't think I know anyone more worth it than you. Don't ever let anyone take you for granted. You are worth so much more than someone just picking you up and using you, but if that does happen, pick yourself up. You've picked yourself up from rock bottom before, you can do it again. With the state of the world at the minute, its easy to crawl back into that part of yourself, who doesn't actually know how much you're actually worth.. (I'm aware I've used 'worth' like 50 times but hey i'm not one with words as we both know). And even though you've done that, for those 29 (and more) days, that doesn't make you weak, or any less what you're worth (again.. I know). The point I'm trying to make is, life is continuously kicking you / us / me down, but you CHOOSE life. Everytime. And that's something to be **** proud of. Like a dandelion through the pavement, I persist. Me and mum have almost finished the fifth season of How To Get Away With ******, (hopefully you've now watched season 6 and figured out what the hell is going on!!!), and I don't think I realised until today how much of a big impact it has had on me. I don't think I've admired anyone more than Annalise Keating. I know she's fictional, but she's incredible. She has made me love myself, which hopefully works out for you because hopefully you are loving yourself more than ever. Things I love so much about you is how kind you are, which I often take as being a pushover, which we can be, but my goodness you have a big heart. And with all that loving and helping everyone else you do, letting them enter your heart, surely there's enough room for one 19 year old who just wants to be happy :). The things I thought I hated about myself / us, are the things that make us, us. The dimples in your cheeks when you smile, and your smile which can be as wide as the Cheshire Cat's when you're laughing. Your eyes which have seen so much, but still can be just as kind when you really look into them, and the creases under them when you smile just proves how much laughing you've done when you're with the right people. The way you are with the kids makes me want to be that girl everyday. I am currently a mess, but aren't some messes beautiful? I'm a work in progress, but I promise you I will work my arse off to make sure that when you receive this, you're as happy as you can be and so loved by yourself. And if you're not? Well, you've survived 100% of your worst days yet. That's 21 years worth. But if you still have your dynamos, can see the kids, have your loving family, a roof over your head, and food on the table, then that's all you need to get through the bad days. There's always sunshine if you look for it, there's always something to laugh or smile about, and there for sure is something beautiful in everyday. You were created with a perfect palette. A palette of intelligence, stubbornness, humour, passion, and beauty and lots more that I'm willing to look into myself to find, for you. I don't know what the future holds, but I will make a future, for you, for me. Love, 19 year old me x

Epilogue

about 2 years later

Dear 19 year old me,

Wow, sometimes I think past me is more wise than current me, but we are the same person so I have that wisdom somewhere ha!...

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L),retet nda reya dnow in my im’ ni ot idupes ttha 32 uyo tgnlkai 12st ifle aer ym how( nwo, ceyollmpte cngedah. Ym life nda the strwo fo yrae sebt it wsa. Ym em oe,n rouhg hidecdt as ew apthc ton hhrgotu my hbyitadr a a reew wsa egrat ymdas’no‘ st21 inogg. Htat eth yb i steepberm ownk odwn eb mthe meco any ghoutourht dan olduw all the i irsfnde ywa ,raye w’unlotd hwti did lletit ti fo rigcmnulb. Htat us ckohs make of or rof wroy,r o,yu tbu hobt ’dtno hmitg het uheogn cdier uyo ueps,t v’ie. Thwa lpopee all ot ttha esme adn enta’r i natw n,wok eeimmtsso etyh you. Of many ew so era we llteit niult doarnu elpeop in’dtd aeyr nikht you tjsu srfoul,e sapt aeserli snclnattyo mofr ronaes ts21 hrete the era it ym ahtt ear ttha so ttah. Oasl ’dintd iytnenlse atth uaaetdrg uto odpdpre iscialdu i ebamec i a,ery dna. Enbgi it twih up ooeemns hwo tnio a pspidle leab den onnfuwde ubt ofr rhhotgu dna oevl wokn otn my how veli i i ot elif ogt ’nidtd i wtuthio …oagy uwlod. Rou hcmillte. Cpervetsiep ’seh hnviergyte is ni my m,e htat evol sith thigr odwrl, jstu nda hse hmi lteylopmce eifl uwdlo ouy degcahn on. .
I in off itwh i up gdudtaare den ym year 1:2 raetf ntew uhghto s21t ddi i in arye a 3202 and ntdiugaarg m,e a niu kbac juyl. So uyo odrup oluwd eb. Am so dorpu i. Aentmehvcie its’ adn up ym on nebig a and ot strif raskm snaditostrie daet, my a eht eeddn bggiets off swa oernctppie wfe fo olcgnsleniu no, i :).
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Bset ndeed ired, living out eevr nbee up wthi eht a moginv dna s’ti ll,imecth idsincoe i ubt. And ddganra ,yare a lto my nad ddei ohsck rentotasdsii gwrniti gthri last fo a it ut,rh the it in edmdil was. Yuo ,odcwlnok go yuo ltel uoy him out tarfe shtnom utb eh udclo wyayan isivt nad tino wsih euploc him of twreo hda ot a ,emho go at i ese i taht to uyo rfate tn’could adn a eet,lrt lal eomc. Leef os yuo ryou (i nkow dba ash l,wl)i ondt’ uerivnes hte cbka.
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Sihw uyo i i letl ehrest uldco gshnti ahtt. I fo kile ma ouy woh udorp. Nekrid eth how dtneias aelrt rayse saw ni uoy i hwsi 4 i to fo emntmo. ,you i ma i hiaenlg prmosei ubt. We smlyfe smefyl iwadrn ma hcldi rwginko sfoleru wsa ot neirn rvee ahtt nbgie adn ben,e eavh fo hnat su i on aelh i rofm ma debobr lahe hoset idernk ruo sprat leik, dot’n to i to. Illett mi’ adn nsewpeh tsgnhi cniese lnrtrycue btoerrh sa ree,!tlt!) no rou csabeeu uto nda isth oingmp ftera ’ntear a onw, ma gogin lwle a eeshwnp tbi iwtnrig irthydba se(y rihtg i and i’d ew ehav ofdnu uroy 4 ehdple we 1ht3 as. On si ma kogirwn tbu ttha mgohnstie i. Useboidnar ttha gnikowr shit i ymonrea dt’no so no truh am we eelf. Ton of ,us ot ocitpexanset hyet dela etorh rou suro ton eleposp rae is hwti insilibtpyreso ti to hold. Nkow olt i tath ghliond nda yueo’r a of. Im’ steoh to uoy tsi’ oyka ltlenig gihtsn dwno tup. Oplpee oyu i’ts oaky ppaoinistd ovel to. Ousry abeucse s’it ist’ otn ,ifle rieth. Dna twah to holuds paiycact diogn lelt eb yuo eno teh on elif nshol’tdu ash glvnii ont ecsaube lsee hryete’ ryuo ouy. Yeht oyur tahw eeiwntsss htta to ear ndogi yuoe’r era ytairle sercceisoas to lla. Nhiotng em ratmest. Kbc,a fi veiursne it oruy wlli odulw heav aehv het nhpepaed, deu’lhovs ti. I otuhgrh mlitclhe doscniise oyu i ouhwtti ahtt ifrst ti evath’n nay lulfy rmfo mead tap(ar dna ntiihgkn sirpeom. . Cusea owh el)o?v igfth nca. Rdnfesi ownk bneig tifdeyaxrhep iwth ’ouyll of eterlt be tshi sondmay i us teh not of no out lla. Sitngh in at’cn ubt you htsi refco efli. Ton tbu it for otn rfo good onkw gdoo e’thery su, hcea eewr rtoeh htey dt’on tyeh. Derveiec os oyu tohwr gnive awht are hucm senridhpif ewre ptey brtete ahnt velo dan nda era teh of yuo nad mroe uyo cuhm so. Ienrsifhpd efldlowo ceeaubs whta to ear na cut hnew iegbn admlbe c(hihw kacatt utb t,uo wtihuot and e)m esoch ays ti uor oot to su ti herot wakrwad the eyht ehtn teh an nde oslrpnatiey uory yos,mnad dne to i to iwsh tyhe si moce itnhgs asw clduo i on dloelwa. All dna hte yete’vh uyo htwro ,orldw uoy fo neon worth poeple wthi keli uboat bseeauc tingihnk ear si teh wehn y’uvoe aer rdettea snneasits ostl utb oer’yu ont. Eth pensd ni nebig su my ot nnidet yu,o uuretf lemysf, i sady rwohty adn of.
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Rso,yr i’m.
E,m elspea iogerfv.
Ahntk yuo,.
Elvo i yuo.
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,elvo.
32 ldo aeyr me x.

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