A letter from April 10th, 2020

Peaceful right?

Dear FutureMe, If I'm right, (which I am ofc), today is your 21st birthday. Happy birthday E <3 Who'd have thought we'd get here?? I hope you are getting spoiled, by yourself, and remembering that not all birthdays are terrible :). I hope you still have your dynamos (you better, 'cause they're the bestest friends in the world), to party with, but not TOO hard, 'cause we know how that ends! At this current time, you're probably in the middle (I hope in the middle, please don't procrastinate!!), of writing your dissertation on whatever you have chosen! (I still currently think it should be about white privilege in society, but I won't be mad if you choose something better / easier to research :) ). You've nearly graduated, which is a huge achievement, and you should be extremely proud of yourself for everything you've achieved. You may even have a boyfriend by this time, but don't worry if you don't, boys are overrated ;). As I'm sitting here rn, on my bed, at 8:15pm on a Friday night, in a global pandemic where we have been in lockdown for 15 days (and I / you have been in self isolation for about 29 days), I thought I'd tell you how much I love you. 2020 so far has definitely been a rollercoaster, if you remember, March - now has been the hardest. But you are so worth it. I don't think I know anyone more worth it than you. Don't ever let anyone take you for granted. You are worth so much more than someone just picking you up and using you, but if that does happen, pick yourself up. You've picked yourself up from rock bottom before, you can do it again. With the state of the world at the minute, its easy to crawl back into that part of yourself, who doesn't actually know how much you're actually worth.. (I'm aware I've used 'worth' like 50 times but hey i'm not one with words as we both know). And even though you've done that, for those 29 (and more) days, that doesn't make you weak, or any less what you're worth (again.. I know). The point I'm trying to make is, life is continuously kicking you / us / me down, but you CHOOSE life. Everytime. And that's something to be **** proud of. Like a dandelion through the pavement, I persist. Me and mum have almost finished the fifth season of How To Get Away With ******, (hopefully you've now watched season 6 and figured out what the hell is going on!!!), and I don't think I realised until today how much of a big impact it has had on me. I don't think I've admired anyone more than Annalise Keating. I know she's fictional, but she's incredible. She has made me love myself, which hopefully works out for you because hopefully you are loving yourself more than ever. Things I love so much about you is how kind you are, which I often take as being a pushover, which we can be, but my goodness you have a big heart. And with all that loving and helping everyone else you do, letting them enter your heart, surely there's enough room for one 19 year old who just wants to be happy :). The things I thought I hated about myself / us, are the things that make us, us. The dimples in your cheeks when you smile, and your smile which can be as wide as the Cheshire Cat's when you're laughing. Your eyes which have seen so much, but still can be just as kind when you really look into them, and the creases under them when you smile just proves how much laughing you've done when you're with the right people. The way you are with the kids makes me want to be that girl everyday. I am currently a mess, but aren't some messes beautiful? I'm a work in progress, but I promise you I will work my arse off to make sure that when you receive this, you're as happy as you can be and so loved by yourself. And if you're not? Well, you've survived 100% of your worst days yet. That's 21 years worth. But if you still have your dynamos, can see the kids, have your loving family, a roof over your head, and food on the table, then that's all you need to get through the bad days. There's always sunshine if you look for it, there's always something to laugh or smile about, and there for sure is something beautiful in everyday. You were created with a perfect palette. A palette of intelligence, stubbornness, humour, passion, and beauty and lots more that I'm willing to look into myself to find, for you. I don't know what the future holds, but I will make a future, for you, for me. Love, 19 year old me x

Epilogue

about 2 years later

Dear 19 year old me,

Wow, sometimes I think past me is more wise than current me, but we are the same person so I have that wisdom somewhere ha!...

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32 ),eeltrt w(ho gniklat ,wno aery mi’ uoy my yempctolle ni ot dnehacg nodw dna ilef are dpeuis my 2s1t in atht. Fo aws feli my eht ti toswr nda bset reay. Ym goruh me tchpa aws my ew eagrt weer ne,o gngio hthroug htdcied 2ts1 a a ont sa sdmn‘’yao tdaibrhy. Yaw rsnidfe emht elltit nodt’lwu teh konw tgtourhouh ubcriglnm rbtepemes ceom whit dan i ahtt down lla fo oudwl it ddi i eb y,rae yb nya the. Het ro fo ev’i nd’to hnogeu fro dreic hgtim ksoch yo,u ouy make tobh or,ryw us but thta pe,stu. Wnat ouy dan ’rntea ppoeel i twha yeht seme lla ot atht nk,wo imstmseoe. Ti erteh so oluesr,f htta yrea ew oeasrn s21t ew rea apts sjtu lintu aer thkin os cytatnnols raduno uyo the ahtt fmro ’tddni fo ym htta yanm rslaeie rae ttllei pepelo. ,eray dpdorep ttha usciadil i eatgurda i osla nad tesnneily acbeme t’didn out. Iwth adn wthiuto up ton it wnko how bgeni gthrohu wdlou but blae feli uwnonedf otin woh den i ot a ivle my g…yoa fro i i elpdpsi vloe otg eomsnoe nit’dd. Chlmitel our. Griht ,me do,lwr rispepecvte dwlou thsi gehcadn in si tusj thta lefi ’ehs dna ehvegrnity yuo mtoplceley mhi my she on eovl. .
I uradgated abkc a with ohguth aeyr 1:2 a iun up wnte 12ts did ni ned ym ni adn i areft 2320 i ,me agangtdiur lyju yera ffo. Uldwo dpuor oyu so eb. I os odpur ma. ): no teh esiggtb a bgnie onetadiisrts of wsa nad adn o,n ramsk oilculegnns my prpieotenc fof a atehnvmciee my ot ’tsi wfe sifrt pu needd t,dae i.
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Igvlin mgoinv bene reve edinocsi dan tub mhciltle, ihwt drie, ist’ teh neded tuo i up a esbt. A ghrti ya,er a ni of eadrnsitoist lto htu,r daadrng irgitnw tasl skhoc aws ddie it dan it ym eht dleimd nad. Cmoe at you hatt go dna hmi sthomn eltl hmi a tou uoy etwor to ese i a ’luodnct ree,tlt i ot tarfe yayawn all hda o,meh otni vsiti ldcuo yuo clwknd,oo nad go he tfaer uyo btu fo eplcuo hswi. Akbc oyur lil,w) flee knwo (i odtn’ hsa uyo os adb het einvseru.
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Ttha i treehs hsitgn ouy i wish ucdlo ltel. Ielk i pudro ma yuo hwo fo. Mmteon ni you how steinda to aws teh 4 seary i eralt fo i dnkeir iswh. I uoy, rpomies ehgainl ubt i am. On to su of niebg ew oru nrine lhea i aws ot dcilh ma am bobdre ehav atth tahn i nad reve sefmyl liek, arnwdi ,ebne ofrm steoh meyfls iedknr ehal i to tsarp grkoniw otd’n ueofrls. Our d’i uyor a ongig as itb sye( igrth nwo, esecni hneewps titlel 4 31ht efrat dna avhe we sa rrnluecyt ,t)eert!!l ounfd ’im pedlhe giirwnt htdiarby isthgn ewnphes elwl mngoip i dna am trehrob tuo etnar’ nda a hsti eacbeus ew no. Htta am on tbu i ikgronw is onesgmith. Ew efel enoymra tond’ udasnberio krownig no ahtt os i ma tshi htur. Uros su, cxepatietons ssnlibytioipre it plseeop fo tiwh dael odlh ot rou heyt aer otreh to is not ton. A i dlniohg yueo’r atht otl dan wnko fo. Nghtsi oehts to yaok you wnod ’sti egllitn tpu im’. ’its vleo you istpodpnai to yako oppele. Ton ireht el,fi it’s i’st usabcee syuor. Yuo eht on ton be and eyehr’t yuro nodgi t’dnhlsuo esbeuac gvilin uoy to dohlus thwa tlle life has atyicpac oen lese. Awht iacecsrseos oding yrou ehyt that swenesits lal to o’ruey ot rae are ytirael. Em tmaters ntgoinh. Vhea eth ti hvea fi reunievs ckb,a wolud it udsvheo’l illw phe,adenp yrou. Huhtgor aemd uoy iesdscnio ti dan i i a(rtap fmro hltlciem va’neth htat yan eimoprs inithgkn stirf flyul hwtuiot. . Owh can elo)?v figth uscea. Tiwh us ltetre all i ibgen lo’uyl uot atheprxidfye the of onkw fo nrdsife on sthi tno eb yndamso. Fcreo iths tanc’ shtgni ni leif uoy but. Hteor odgo n’tdo ofr kown ’teheyr htye good ,su yhte but ton ofr ti erwe otn ache. Ptey era were eirdceve rhotw dan aer igvne thna cmhu of you meor evol mchu isdihfrnep nda so adn uyo hte htaw os ttbree uoy. Uory tkatca hetn si too it ot no awwkrda na eht aws to whis nopiryeltsa oreht delfolow uwtioth teh sginht tcu when fhepiirnsd i doucl it eldwoal teyh dmalbe uto, our eyth to (iwhch ned oemc dna gineb bcsuaee whta m)e sya an us i ear end noamsdy, ot sohec utb. Dna od,lrw peploe leik lla is uoyre’ ton obatu hte ninstssea era ubt artedte knhiitgn ewnh y’veou teh wohrt thiw t’eyhev rea onne of rtwoh tols uyo oyu useebac. My uuertf fo the esmf,yl ydsa us ywohtr ni to adn biegn itendn pesnd i o,yu.
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’mi orsr,y.
Oievgfr psaele m,e.
Uy,o atknh.
I ouy levo.
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Vo,el.
Reya 23 x me old.

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