A letter from April 10th, 2020

Peaceful right?

Dear FutureMe, If I'm right, (which I am ofc), today is your 21st birthday. Happy birthday E <3 Who'd have thought we'd get here?? I hope you are getting spoiled, by yourself, and remembering that not all birthdays are terrible :). I hope you still have your dynamos (you better, 'cause they're the bestest friends in the world), to party with, but not TOO hard, 'cause we know how that ends! At this current time, you're probably in the middle (I hope in the middle, please don't procrastinate!!), of writing your dissertation on whatever you have chosen! (I still currently think it should be about white privilege in society, but I won't be mad if you choose something better / easier to research :) ). You've nearly graduated, which is a huge achievement, and you should be extremely proud of yourself for everything you've achieved. You may even have a boyfriend by this time, but don't worry if you don't, boys are overrated ;). As I'm sitting here rn, on my bed, at 8:15pm on a Friday night, in a global pandemic where we have been in lockdown for 15 days (and I / you have been in self isolation for about 29 days), I thought I'd tell you how much I love you. 2020 so far has definitely been a rollercoaster, if you remember, March - now has been the hardest. But you are so worth it. I don't think I know anyone more worth it than you. Don't ever let anyone take you for granted. You are worth so much more than someone just picking you up and using you, but if that does happen, pick yourself up. You've picked yourself up from rock bottom before, you can do it again. With the state of the world at the minute, its easy to crawl back into that part of yourself, who doesn't actually know how much you're actually worth.. (I'm aware I've used 'worth' like 50 times but hey i'm not one with words as we both know). And even though you've done that, for those 29 (and more) days, that doesn't make you weak, or any less what you're worth (again.. I know). The point I'm trying to make is, life is continuously kicking you / us / me down, but you CHOOSE life. Everytime. And that's something to be **** proud of. Like a dandelion through the pavement, I persist. Me and mum have almost finished the fifth season of How To Get Away With ******, (hopefully you've now watched season 6 and figured out what the hell is going on!!!), and I don't think I realised until today how much of a big impact it has had on me. I don't think I've admired anyone more than Annalise Keating. I know she's fictional, but she's incredible. She has made me love myself, which hopefully works out for you because hopefully you are loving yourself more than ever. Things I love so much about you is how kind you are, which I often take as being a pushover, which we can be, but my goodness you have a big heart. And with all that loving and helping everyone else you do, letting them enter your heart, surely there's enough room for one 19 year old who just wants to be happy :). The things I thought I hated about myself / us, are the things that make us, us. The dimples in your cheeks when you smile, and your smile which can be as wide as the Cheshire Cat's when you're laughing. Your eyes which have seen so much, but still can be just as kind when you really look into them, and the creases under them when you smile just proves how much laughing you've done when you're with the right people. The way you are with the kids makes me want to be that girl everyday. I am currently a mess, but aren't some messes beautiful? I'm a work in progress, but I promise you I will work my arse off to make sure that when you receive this, you're as happy as you can be and so loved by yourself. And if you're not? Well, you've survived 100% of your worst days yet. That's 21 years worth. But if you still have your dynamos, can see the kids, have your loving family, a roof over your head, and food on the table, then that's all you need to get through the bad days. There's always sunshine if you look for it, there's always something to laugh or smile about, and there for sure is something beautiful in everyday. You were created with a perfect palette. A palette of intelligence, stubbornness, humour, passion, and beauty and lots more that I'm willing to look into myself to find, for you. I don't know what the future holds, but I will make a future, for you, for me. Love, 19 year old me x

Epilogue

about 2 years later

Dear 19 year old me,

Wow, sometimes I think past me is more wise than current me, but we are the same person so I have that wisdom somewhere ha!...

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(hwo nwod htat my ttel)e,r ni eyra t2s1 you suipde era im’ gahecdn mlpelyocte ym nad wn,o ni 32 iaglnkt to feil. Ayre twros sbet fo fiel it swa het dna ym. Em apcth a ruhgtoh rtaeg erew my nto ym ignog asw 1st2 we no,e hdticde y’snmado‘ daybihtr ogrhu a sa. Hatt eth nsifred of olwud nay the lla uwntodl’ nda by erbmeestp i ooutrthghu thme i it ywa cbnglrium be wdno wkno ra,ey idd emco tlitel htiw. Gnoeuh ro fo but kmea ,uyo orwyr, ouy thbo o’dnt ttha ’eiv hcosk orf su hitmg st,epu direc eth. Kown, htwa ntaw ot teyh esem lal i oyu dan rn’tea eopepl isemosemt taht. Ew hatt ear 21ts teh ttha ntnlyoscta htat uoy my ’itddn esoran aery rae uraond niutl so we stap eilltt rae loepep lurofse, rfom raeseil anym fo so it hkint ujst heter. Ea,yr i esilyetnn ausicidl hatt nda daugrate i bamece osal tuo n’iddt pdedpro. Live how my a i’nddt tog moonees it tno pu udowl i to ilef evol oint o…ayg ofr whti thrugoh i den woh psldeip tbu iuotwht dan fwdneuon ngebi i able nowk. Uor mciltehl. Is uoy ujst no angehcd hmi wudlo trvepespcei sthi fiel vloe my ’seh ni tvgereynhi ttha irght lrwod, hes e,m tclpeemyol adn. .
Dadueargt ferat in i nda utohgh :12 juyl ddi arye 1s2t iun itwh ,em yaer a my a 2320 off aiatungrgd tenw cabk edn i up i ni. Be owlud dpruo ouy os. Ma drpuo i so. Ym i petriopenc a wsa neteimcveah a tsdnrisoieta ibnge wef deend no date, fof and eht dna :) krmas sirft s’ti up ym o,n fo to eisbtgg sgcolnuienl.
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Adn codneisi eevr tiwh dneed eht s’it i uto e,ird been etsb up nilgiv mgvnio utb a htlcelmi,. It ,tuhr of a itghr rae,y wsa ckhso tlo ym ti ddie dmdeil a dna angrdda gtrniwi in and slta onsesidtirat eth. Rweto mih at go a ehom, efrat tlle of uont’lcd hwis yuo ot cwkdoln,o he sviit him emoc ouy adh uoy taefr eletrt, dna otu cluod puloce yuo og otni lal btu htta aynawy i onhstm to ees i a dan. Os uyo lil,)w uryo elfe nruivees ’tdon i( ash bad abck wnok eth.
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Rteseh i oldcu i atht whis ltle oyu gisnht. I you of ma klie orupd owh. Of 4 woh asw uyo ertla mmneot arsye eth ni i to kerndi dtaiens i wshi. I eilaghn i ubt mrespoi u,yo am. Inner ot i of wiadnr berbdo mfyles su einrdk aehv i rvee sptar ofresul we adn aws gnebi le,ki b,ene ma ot to clidh ma uor lhea no hatt ofmr not’d nhta knorigw i laeh ehtso lsmyfe. I’d uro lttlie sa mi’ obtrher hpwsene 4 w,on no fodnu yes( gionpm sintgh a cebeuas 31th i itrgnwi ratfe ear’tn evah a oingg wnphees we ewll am nceies dna bit sa tsih !eel,rtt)! ghirt ew dna dheple tou tyabrihd oyur and nyurtcrel. Btu si nigoetsmh ownigrk ma taht i on. Urth htta fele ma os we no d’not aenbdisuor eamrnoy htsi i gkwiorn. Ruso opplees nto rea ti irpslsityoebin to edal ehyt iwth not of hldo ecxtnseotapi to uor us, is ethro. I atth lto hgilndo fo nad yeour’ know a. You lltenig ot stghin ti’s im’ oehts oaky put dnow. ’its to poelpe ayok odpntsipia yuo oevl. Cusbaee suoyr otn its’ rieht tis’ eilf,. Yuor eilf etll oen eesl tawh nvilgi ot tnd’ulsoh on oyu eb gidno capcyiat csueeba reth’ey uoy ahs nad otn uslodh teh. To wsnestsie dogni u’yeor all yeth acorssseiec hwta rae that uryo yetilra rae ot. Onnight tmstera em. It if ti b,kca het oryu ehav eavh v’douelsh iwll ep,hedpna nveeuirs uwold. Ap(tra fmor ylulf i etna’vh made hgrouht htemlcli i ttha ispermo rtfis and escsiidon utthiwo kngihtni oyu ayn it. . How ihftg vl?e)o can eusac. Yasdomn ihtw on hte of be idresnf i y’luol shit eetraxdyhfip ngieb nto relett know us of out all. Uoy githns hist ni cofer ubt ’tanc ielf. Yhet nto d’not wnko rof htore ache ,su dogo eerw otn dgoo it tyhe orf y’tereh btu. Nda os rtbete venig hmcu mhuc awht than ear vole moer os the uoy tepy fo rea rwee ceivdree piinshfedr yuo dan dna torwh ouy. Ysa oshce hte neigb ot ablmed ctakat cemo to i dna an oot dne yrou nhigts o,anmsdy ichh(w nde asw tyhe siwh no an m)e ,otu si ot ehnw heyt ti asebecu htne i but ti cut tyrolnaeips us awht arwawdk the ttuohwi oeadlwl rou to duloc owfdlelo hiefdnirps rhteo ear. Uoy ewhn noen vueyo’ lsot eeucbsa eh’teyv fo you eht trowh lopeep oldr,w ur’eoy is nad teh rae liek hitw nisantess rea edteart lla owthr obtua ubt ton iitgnknh. To woryht i ym ni eht frueut dnsep fo ou,y igebn nda dsay us ysl,emf entidn.
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’mi ysrro,.
Orfgevi m,e peasel.
Htnak o,uy.
I yuo vloe.
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Lvoe,.
23 aeyr em x odl.

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