A letter from April 10th, 2020

Peaceful right?

Dear FutureMe, If I'm right, (which I am ofc), today is your 21st birthday. Happy birthday E <3 Who'd have thought we'd get here?? I hope you are getting spoiled, by yourself, and remembering that not all birthdays are terrible :). I hope you still have your dynamos (you better, 'cause they're the bestest friends in the world), to party with, but not TOO hard, 'cause we know how that ends! At this current time, you're probably in the middle (I hope in the middle, please don't procrastinate!!), of writing your dissertation on whatever you have chosen! (I still currently think it should be about white privilege in society, but I won't be mad if you choose something better / easier to research :) ). You've nearly graduated, which is a huge achievement, and you should be extremely proud of yourself for everything you've achieved. You may even have a boyfriend by this time, but don't worry if you don't, boys are overrated ;). As I'm sitting here rn, on my bed, at 8:15pm on a Friday night, in a global pandemic where we have been in lockdown for 15 days (and I / you have been in self isolation for about 29 days), I thought I'd tell you how much I love you. 2020 so far has definitely been a rollercoaster, if you remember, March - now has been the hardest. But you are so worth it. I don't think I know anyone more worth it than you. Don't ever let anyone take you for granted. You are worth so much more than someone just picking you up and using you, but if that does happen, pick yourself up. You've picked yourself up from rock bottom before, you can do it again. With the state of the world at the minute, its easy to crawl back into that part of yourself, who doesn't actually know how much you're actually worth.. (I'm aware I've used 'worth' like 50 times but hey i'm not one with words as we both know). And even though you've done that, for those 29 (and more) days, that doesn't make you weak, or any less what you're worth (again.. I know). The point I'm trying to make is, life is continuously kicking you / us / me down, but you CHOOSE life. Everytime. And that's something to be **** proud of. Like a dandelion through the pavement, I persist. Me and mum have almost finished the fifth season of How To Get Away With ******, (hopefully you've now watched season 6 and figured out what the hell is going on!!!), and I don't think I realised until today how much of a big impact it has had on me. I don't think I've admired anyone more than Annalise Keating. I know she's fictional, but she's incredible. She has made me love myself, which hopefully works out for you because hopefully you are loving yourself more than ever. Things I love so much about you is how kind you are, which I often take as being a pushover, which we can be, but my goodness you have a big heart. And with all that loving and helping everyone else you do, letting them enter your heart, surely there's enough room for one 19 year old who just wants to be happy :). The things I thought I hated about myself / us, are the things that make us, us. The dimples in your cheeks when you smile, and your smile which can be as wide as the Cheshire Cat's when you're laughing. Your eyes which have seen so much, but still can be just as kind when you really look into them, and the creases under them when you smile just proves how much laughing you've done when you're with the right people. The way you are with the kids makes me want to be that girl everyday. I am currently a mess, but aren't some messes beautiful? I'm a work in progress, but I promise you I will work my arse off to make sure that when you receive this, you're as happy as you can be and so loved by yourself. And if you're not? Well, you've survived 100% of your worst days yet. That's 21 years worth. But if you still have your dynamos, can see the kids, have your loving family, a roof over your head, and food on the table, then that's all you need to get through the bad days. There's always sunshine if you look for it, there's always something to laugh or smile about, and there for sure is something beautiful in everyday. You were created with a perfect palette. A palette of intelligence, stubbornness, humour, passion, and beauty and lots more that I'm willing to look into myself to find, for you. I don't know what the future holds, but I will make a future, for you, for me. Love, 19 year old me x

Epilogue

about 2 years later

Dear 19 year old me,

Wow, sometimes I think past me is more wise than current me, but we are the same person so I have that wisdom somewhere ha!...

.
T1s2 oyu my pdsuie in (ohw )tl,eter ngtkali to in dwon ttah eplyteocml 23 reya lief rea dna im’ nedgcha nw,o my. Was of orwst tsbe eray leif ti ym eth nda. My hrbytdia ys’ndma‘o ym ptcha eon, iogng as ciethdd em eerw ogurh aregt rhgthuo a ew 2s1t a swa not. It sinefrd yna did i of ginlbcrum eb dwno eth ttllei them teh nad wthi ayw atth ayr,e know lal htoruguoht presbetem wo’udtln doulw yb moec i. Hatt ro o’ntd uoy ’vei us teups, rfo mgthi irced othb the uo,y ror,yw of tbu ksohc ehnuog akme. Lal ’rtnae opeelp oyu to yeth atth ,nkow estmmiseo seem and awht i want. Os 12st rea ear ti uilnt ouy reaosn aer atth ’dtidn earlies myan ew eht tkhni ttille of so htta odnrau we eplepo juts lynnotatsc teher my aeyr relousf, tsap rfom htta. Ttah laso i nda ebecam indd’t i adtugrae e,yra iuasldci ppedrod sleenntyi otu. Rof niot ot nidtd’ dolwu itwh nwfouned den enbgi oeesmon ont oelv plisepd iuohwtt it owh hwo gyao… nad i a utb bael veil lefi my tog i pu onwk ouhhrtg i. Rou mtleiclh. Hes wlduo seh’ oyu ,em imh ujts this is hnigrevyte ni feli lveo rcetveepspi igrht lylemptceo no and my dchgane w,orld htta. .
I em, eyar a went idd tginraagdu uylj a ned i akbc nda 1t2s hitw 21: fof ni up i retfa in draatdeug ayre 2320 my uin otuhhg. So oyu urdop lduwo be. Am i pordu so. Pu tpoeinecrp soilgencunl centeavhmie nad ,on of eadt, no a a ): rsmak the ewf dan ym tiggbse is’t ym to rifst ffo aws igbne neded tiseaordtnis i.
.
Twhi der,i tbu nad vgniom stbe eerv it’s het cidiesno pu a dende vnliig out elc,tlimh i bene. In edimdl the srnotetadsii a tsal deid lto ti htr,u niwgtir nad gadadrn ym aey,r nad a wsa chkos it ghtri fo. Ayyanw ftrae a nad omtnsh iswh mhi ltel uoy condlu’t that eh duocl i dah oyu woetr eet,trl eocm oculep emo,h og a stivi to btu out ese ot ouy uyo trfae adn ntoi og mih of lal i ookd,wcln ta. So dba the ouy oyur iw),ll tdon’ bcka eelf ahs wnok usneevri i(.
.
Dlcuo atth eteshr eltl i oyu i ighnts wsih. Ilek yuo puodr of i hwo ma. Wsih syrae fo uoy tmoenm i ni ot alret deinrk swa 4 hwo tndiase hte i. Y,uo i but i naeihlg am iemprso. Een,b ma us to nhat ot i airwdn nibge kirnde aelh iogkrnw nad htta to’nd to sfleym fo mfelsy am shoet kei,l hlea i saw hildc nnier lsouefr i vaeh ew brbdoe on fmro uor srapt rvee. Censie lewl our i t3h1 ma stih vhae gmonip a weenhps adn on nda irtgwni id’ ew ehsewpn esbauec t)re,t!e!l thgri letlit 4 ew a teorbhr gonig as o,wn rneyrcltu im’ lpedhe uyro arfet as bti hrditbay ndofu tou es(y rnaet’ inhstg and. Tiomgesnh on btu krniwog is am i tath. No ymoerna htsi we i so ma uhrt leef iorkgnw ureoabdisn ’dtno tath. To tiisilesrboynp etrho tno twih ythe ldea ot otn u,s dloh si srou epleops ti of rou tnsxoeceitap ear. Nad nowk ou’yer nghodli tlo i ttha a fo. Yoak you to hesot ownd ’im ightns ligtlne i’st upt. Sit’ eopepl uoy to iitnsdpaop kyoa leov. Sbeuaec ihter nto ysour i’st ’tsi lef,i. Yuo oulhsd ot givlin sha awht lfei the tciacapy no ldohn’ust nto be dan uoy diong tell esel hr’ytee noe ruyo eeucsba. To er’oyu atth esissetwn yuor era ot ehty niodg cesorcissae lal htwa rea lyratie. Tinhogn amtetsr me. Ac,kb phneed,pa het ehav ti ilwl fi it vrsueein oudwl uo’vlshde veha uroy. I giinhknt rat(ap tath nda uyfll eiscnsdoi eomsrpi any srtif ti tiohtwu yuo mfor ghohutr i meda tillmech nvtae’h. . )e?ovl ihftg ohw sucae nac. Y’lluo of ifydxepeathr gebin ihst lal us eb fo i ownk dsoanmy no whit rlteet out het ont eirnsfd. Oferc uyo in utb tish ngshit a’nct life. Ti eyth ont utb orf yer’hte ethy su, ertoh owkn nd’to rfo ceah ont were oodg odgo. Dan twah yetp rea os vdiecere eovl ermo hatn mcuh nsipeifdhr ouy treebt of ucmh ouy os nda engvi wree htorw rae nad yuo eth. Ruo tahw it us d,nmyosa codul genbi to eoanriptysl ot whis uaecseb ear ti oelldaw hotuwti erisdpihnf ot and kaatct btu otehr an hstnig na ays enth is het asw i i oot to hyet ldeoolwf uct wenh edn blmade hc(hwi eyht hsoec hte uory nde o,ut ecmo m)e on wradakw. Uoy buaot fo u’ovey e’yuor eolppe all vehty’e si and rwtho are ngkhinti lsot not ekil aesnnssti era het tbu daretet neon thwi teh eacbues hnwe oyu ordl,w towhr. Of my psnde yuo, urutfe mf,ysel syad ohyrwt bineg su hte ni adn to i nietnd.
.
Rysro, m’i.
Rvfogie lseape em,.
Akhtn oyu,.
Ovel uoy i.
.
O,vle.
Em dlo x 23 ryea.

This user has written an update to this letter.To see what they wrote, please

Press ← and → on your keyboard to move between letters

Write new comment

Load more comments