A letter from April 10th, 2020

Peaceful right?

Dear FutureMe, If I'm right, (which I am ofc), today is your 21st birthday. Happy birthday E <3 Who'd have thought we'd get here?? I hope you are getting spoiled, by yourself, and remembering that not all birthdays are terrible :). I hope you still have your dynamos (you better, 'cause they're the bestest friends in the world), to party with, but not TOO hard, 'cause we know how that ends! At this current time, you're probably in the middle (I hope in the middle, please don't procrastinate!!), of writing your dissertation on whatever you have chosen! (I still currently think it should be about white privilege in society, but I won't be mad if you choose something better / easier to research :) ). You've nearly graduated, which is a huge achievement, and you should be extremely proud of yourself for everything you've achieved. You may even have a boyfriend by this time, but don't worry if you don't, boys are overrated ;). As I'm sitting here rn, on my bed, at 8:15pm on a Friday night, in a global pandemic where we have been in lockdown for 15 days (and I / you have been in self isolation for about 29 days), I thought I'd tell you how much I love you. 2020 so far has definitely been a rollercoaster, if you remember, March - now has been the hardest. But you are so worth it. I don't think I know anyone more worth it than you. Don't ever let anyone take you for granted. You are worth so much more than someone just picking you up and using you, but if that does happen, pick yourself up. You've picked yourself up from rock bottom before, you can do it again. With the state of the world at the minute, its easy to crawl back into that part of yourself, who doesn't actually know how much you're actually worth.. (I'm aware I've used 'worth' like 50 times but hey i'm not one with words as we both know). And even though you've done that, for those 29 (and more) days, that doesn't make you weak, or any less what you're worth (again.. I know). The point I'm trying to make is, life is continuously kicking you / us / me down, but you CHOOSE life. Everytime. And that's something to be **** proud of. Like a dandelion through the pavement, I persist. Me and mum have almost finished the fifth season of How To Get Away With ******, (hopefully you've now watched season 6 and figured out what the hell is going on!!!), and I don't think I realised until today how much of a big impact it has had on me. I don't think I've admired anyone more than Annalise Keating. I know she's fictional, but she's incredible. She has made me love myself, which hopefully works out for you because hopefully you are loving yourself more than ever. Things I love so much about you is how kind you are, which I often take as being a pushover, which we can be, but my goodness you have a big heart. And with all that loving and helping everyone else you do, letting them enter your heart, surely there's enough room for one 19 year old who just wants to be happy :). The things I thought I hated about myself / us, are the things that make us, us. The dimples in your cheeks when you smile, and your smile which can be as wide as the Cheshire Cat's when you're laughing. Your eyes which have seen so much, but still can be just as kind when you really look into them, and the creases under them when you smile just proves how much laughing you've done when you're with the right people. The way you are with the kids makes me want to be that girl everyday. I am currently a mess, but aren't some messes beautiful? I'm a work in progress, but I promise you I will work my arse off to make sure that when you receive this, you're as happy as you can be and so loved by yourself. And if you're not? Well, you've survived 100% of your worst days yet. That's 21 years worth. But if you still have your dynamos, can see the kids, have your loving family, a roof over your head, and food on the table, then that's all you need to get through the bad days. There's always sunshine if you look for it, there's always something to laugh or smile about, and there for sure is something beautiful in everyday. You were created with a perfect palette. A palette of intelligence, stubbornness, humour, passion, and beauty and lots more that I'm willing to look into myself to find, for you. I don't know what the future holds, but I will make a future, for you, for me. Love, 19 year old me x

Epilogue

about 2 years later

Dear 19 year old me,

Wow, sometimes I think past me is more wise than current me, but we are the same person so I have that wisdom somewhere ha!...

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W,no and file 32 rae klintga ot plcolymtee m’i in ouy my thta o(wh angdche lt)ret,e in pseuid yrea 12ts ym dnwo. Asw het it ym wsort ebts eayr fo life and. A rgate we a me cthap oy’mnd‘sa o,ne saw hgrou wree ym ghrtuho ryhtidab gonig not sa 21st ddticeh my. Of oecm tudlo’nw het wya by i lttiel be i eht mthe uorhhtogtu whti htat ye,ar kown did oldwu srdnife mtepsbeer ti lal brmcgilnu dwon nad ayn. Tusep, ro hatt fo tboh utb oehnug orry,w orf ihmgt iev’ yuo su chosk idcer het mkae tn’od u,oy. All msiomtees smee dan ot eratn’ yhet tawh tanw ouy kn,wo atht epolpe i. Ym it ear freuo,sl so fo rheet rndoau so loepep lleitt rea inult hitnk eeisral rae mnay acyltnotns htta 12st uyo we ofmr hatt ’dtnid juts tath erasno we het tpas eary. I eynnlesti dan atht peorpdd ialcdisu i dndti’ daetuarg ecebam osla ,raye tuo. Despilp olwud ot owkn how a eeomons btu otg who dne lvoe wtih dan ntoi nebgi gy…oa orthuhg elvi tddni’ ndfwneuo i wttuoih lefi eabl rfo it pu i my i ont. Uor clehitlm. Thnyeviegr cmetoylelp feil utjs ni ym evlo on si hgcdena wdoul rtghi me, iprevpsecte shti orlw,d ihm es’h uyo and hse ttah. .
My ratduedag m,e ffo nda twne a idd kacb eayr up dne ghthuo atfer itwh i 1:2 i ryea ni 2320 gdugnratai st21 a in nui juyl i. Uyo eb so oludw opdur. Ma os i rpoud. Fo few ist’ fof etda, on adn a i my to ,on sarkm elgunnlsioc dnede a up aws :) ibeggts ienbg pntepocrei frtis eth emvinhecate ym nad eotsirnitasd.
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Hte i d,rie ngimov dneed nbee otu ilgvni btu eerv adn up ,thiecmll ’sti dnociise a tiwh etbs. Kcohs in wsa and mleidd sntrodiaseit lsat aagddnr itrhg of hte deid irwingt h,rut it a ti ,ryae dan a my lot. ,cwndolko ouy cpeuol sotnhm fo ot tfrae mcoe lcotud’n nyyawa lal isivt ta see etorw er,etlt a hda i mih tefar llet oyu ,oemh og dan mhi and ot i htat uyo but a og olcdu nito he out you hwsi. Rsnuveie okwn yuo acbk o’dtn hte so bad fele ruoy (i iw,ll) ash.
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Rthese oyu i lelt i hinstg wsih tath loudc. You i keil fo poudr am hwo. Rysae of moentm ni sniadte owh i you irknde 4 lerta swa to eht ihsw i. Sipeorm tbu y,ou i hlngeia ma i. Eavh aws on lkie, dan from i dton’ gnkwior lsefmy loeursf drobeb lemfys ma knrdei rtpsa to us ealh ehost ainwdr fo dlhic ntha einrn i to eerv ,nbee hlea htat ruo ew i to ibegn am. T1h3 ggnio sa yes( brtreoh i’d ingopm ’aernt epehnws 4 aveh a i’m taref i no eltitl uor as dan ellw dfoun we ihtrg lheped bit we hnpeews a nihsgt dna wno, tuycrrlen uot your hist am dan ngriitw ahyrdibt e!)telt!r, eiecsn scubeae. Ubt am i on ttha okngirw goimesnht si. Ew this so elfe anymreo tdn’o rkowgin tuhr no uaeirbnsdo taht am i. Eltpbniiysiros ruso ot ear sopxceeaintt of orteh it u,s hdol tyeh ton ot ton ppoesel dlea whti oru si. Ognhidl and tol a htat i uroy’e ownk of. Gintsh ehtso oaky utp ’sit tginlle im’ ot uyo odwn. Tis’ ppeoel ot insdpaitop ouy akyo vleo. Rtehi euabcse s’it l,eif uorsy ’sti nto. Letl to hawt tno lsee eb you dgoin eht unsdl’hto oyu shoudl lignvi ccatpyia sah uesecab noe ifel no oury hy’tere adn. Ruyo rea ’rouey to ot eyht hatw eilayrt ingod rae lal instsewes csriseecaso atth. Em thoingn tamerts. Ahev dulow p,enpahed the fi wlil it erevusni it hvs’oeudl ruoy ak,bc aevh. Giniknht ra(atp fomr dna tuwioht ieoprms havn’et rftsi i metlihcl i it cseodsiin ouy urhhtgo ttha edma yan ylful. . Ev?ol) nca sueac ohw fhitg. Lulyo’ the us eatfeihyrxpd etrtel tno out no enbgi lla kown of of ihts nosydam i be deinfsr hiwt. Isth btu ni ouy leif nthsgi oferc ca’nt. N’dto but wnok hrote rfo it ecah ont otn su, ofr erew ythe oogd ogdo heyt heyte’r. Ear ecidvere vigne oyu thna so uoy rea of eerw os hcmu hatw uoy tteebr rmoe nda ptye nad het mcuh evol prisehidfn nad ortwh. Adn to edn eht eyth iebgn hnet utc ytsrelaonpi us )em to utb ot ned whsi lcdou ot hi(whc wtah it i ,sdmnaoy ethor wlolead wneh wedllofo thowuit too they an gthins hocse ruo eht say bmdeal dnsfiieprh ti ryou i caktat ecmo kwwdaar no na is rea swa tu,o cubasee. Eilk tardeet asnntsise oeuy’r oeu’yv oatub neno bausece lal otn aer rohtw of aer btu lppeeo owlr,d slto eht yuo you hktiinng rwoth thwi eht is when adn tveh’ye. Ydsa yowrht adn ym eidntn nebgi i us ot psned mysl,fe eruutf fo ,yuo het ni.
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I’m srryo,.
Leepsa em, vgiorfe.
Thank ,you.
Yuo oelv i.
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,evol.
Ayer em dol 32 x.

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