A letter from April 10th, 2020

Peaceful right?

Dear FutureMe, If I'm right, (which I am ofc), today is your 21st birthday. Happy birthday E <3 Who'd have thought we'd get here?? I hope you are getting spoiled, by yourself, and remembering that not all birthdays are terrible :). I hope you still have your dynamos (you better, 'cause they're the bestest friends in the world), to party with, but not TOO hard, 'cause we know how that ends! At this current time, you're probably in the middle (I hope in the middle, please don't procrastinate!!), of writing your dissertation on whatever you have chosen! (I still currently think it should be about white privilege in society, but I won't be mad if you choose something better / easier to research :) ). You've nearly graduated, which is a huge achievement, and you should be extremely proud of yourself for everything you've achieved. You may even have a boyfriend by this time, but don't worry if you don't, boys are overrated ;). As I'm sitting here rn, on my bed, at 8:15pm on a Friday night, in a global pandemic where we have been in lockdown for 15 days (and I / you have been in self isolation for about 29 days), I thought I'd tell you how much I love you. 2020 so far has definitely been a rollercoaster, if you remember, March - now has been the hardest. But you are so worth it. I don't think I know anyone more worth it than you. Don't ever let anyone take you for granted. You are worth so much more than someone just picking you up and using you, but if that does happen, pick yourself up. You've picked yourself up from rock bottom before, you can do it again. With the state of the world at the minute, its easy to crawl back into that part of yourself, who doesn't actually know how much you're actually worth.. (I'm aware I've used 'worth' like 50 times but hey i'm not one with words as we both know). And even though you've done that, for those 29 (and more) days, that doesn't make you weak, or any less what you're worth (again.. I know). The point I'm trying to make is, life is continuously kicking you / us / me down, but you CHOOSE life. Everytime. And that's something to be **** proud of. Like a dandelion through the pavement, I persist. Me and mum have almost finished the fifth season of How To Get Away With ******, (hopefully you've now watched season 6 and figured out what the hell is going on!!!), and I don't think I realised until today how much of a big impact it has had on me. I don't think I've admired anyone more than Annalise Keating. I know she's fictional, but she's incredible. She has made me love myself, which hopefully works out for you because hopefully you are loving yourself more than ever. Things I love so much about you is how kind you are, which I often take as being a pushover, which we can be, but my goodness you have a big heart. And with all that loving and helping everyone else you do, letting them enter your heart, surely there's enough room for one 19 year old who just wants to be happy :). The things I thought I hated about myself / us, are the things that make us, us. The dimples in your cheeks when you smile, and your smile which can be as wide as the Cheshire Cat's when you're laughing. Your eyes which have seen so much, but still can be just as kind when you really look into them, and the creases under them when you smile just proves how much laughing you've done when you're with the right people. The way you are with the kids makes me want to be that girl everyday. I am currently a mess, but aren't some messes beautiful? I'm a work in progress, but I promise you I will work my arse off to make sure that when you receive this, you're as happy as you can be and so loved by yourself. And if you're not? Well, you've survived 100% of your worst days yet. That's 21 years worth. But if you still have your dynamos, can see the kids, have your loving family, a roof over your head, and food on the table, then that's all you need to get through the bad days. There's always sunshine if you look for it, there's always something to laugh or smile about, and there for sure is something beautiful in everyday. You were created with a perfect palette. A palette of intelligence, stubbornness, humour, passion, and beauty and lots more that I'm willing to look into myself to find, for you. I don't know what the future holds, but I will make a future, for you, for me. Love, 19 year old me x

Epilogue

about 2 years later

Dear 19 year old me,

Wow, sometimes I think past me is more wise than current me, but we are the same person so I have that wisdom somewhere ha!...

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Cgdnhae eltret,) uyo t12s lgkatin rea ni owdn ni and peidsu 23 my ayre i’m ,onw ym wh(o elif yloemelcpt taht ot. Dan raey ifle fo my rotsw asw etsb it hte. A a htcpa ay‘ondsm’ igong aws gtaer eerw ew ohurgth e,no ym 21ts as me hyardbit ym nto ietdcdh uhogr. Of htta eth any i it i hwit ohthuuotrg diefsrn knwo did ayw be louwd ndwtlo’u dwon yb the etsempber hemt lla lirnbmcgu lletit nda ecmo ryea,. Rw,roy het ohbt su ecird gnheou rof keam mhtgi uoy cohks ot’dn taht yo,u ’vei ro ,eustp fo ubt. Uoy nad htwa to i seme ,konw htat en’tar lla lpepoe yteh natw mtemosise. Plpoee uyo ti ayer ihnkt so 2t1s utsj fsluo,er ttilel nutli neasor thta ym of mrof uraodn taps ear rae nd’idt elareis we ytoactnlsn ew os hte aer ynam htat ether atth. Bmeace i tugareda d’indt dna ,raey eiystelnn oasl dppored otu i taht sicildau. It i ittwhuo know evil fwnduneo leif into adn my who gay…o ot a ton benig dlsippe i pu luwod grtohuh utb i orf hwti ned d’ntdi got bale ooesnme velo how. Oru thicemll. Ouy dehncag thta me, e’hs is hse imh this uowld my and drw,lo pevesercipt elif tusj in yecmtleopl githr rgeetihnyv no evol. .
In uin ardaiugntg tfrea lyju up 1ts2 i nwet aatdgrdeu yera i ddi arye off ni whti e,m i my a 2:1 kcba and a hgtohu dne 2302. Oduwl yuo be uoprd so. Am i ropdu so. Of :) tsi’ egnbi ggtseib amsrk fwe het ctrpnipeeo ,tade ym ffo a up my sestoiadtrin strif on aws evniehaemct edend to i and ,on nda ulcelognisn a.
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A der,i up btu ihwt tis’ tuo i eht gvmnoi vere sbte nbee lhcmlti,e niglvi eoidicns ednde nda. It chsko saw dan itwignr hitgr ardndga it a in u,hrt yer,a mddlie isrnetidoats ided ltas a ym of adn teh olt. E,rttel go ot of og had i tath at tou nad cmeo oeuplc shiw ywaany ’dotuncl oyu he utb freat to ouy kdcwnol,o i uoy lal siivt niot mih ltel him ees a hm,oe dluco a dan msthno rfaet yuo ewrot. You wnok os senuierv flee the iwll), i( oyur sah adb acbk dnt’o.
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Ouy etrhse gtishn i ucold that lelt hisw i. Am fo woh i klei upodr you. Ireknd ertla mnomet teh i asw of ntseadi how ot erysa i in yuo 4 whis. Tub peosirm i oyu, am i leghnai. Ginbe ptasr i of cdhil hale aws ,iekl eslfym mrfo ennri to veah i rufelso no erve ma ahtt to orkwing bdoerb i fmsyel ruo ot su adn ew dnt’o ma hlea b,ene inadwr ikernd seoht tahn. Nad as oru oyur ewll 4 t3h1 pignom ceubsae uetrnrylc a sa adn lepdeh bti eephswn ’mi !!ttl)ee,r i dan esy( nofud sith aer’nt tlitle ghtir nehpews cnsiee ryahtibd otu id’ etraf a ,wno rwitngi thebrro we gnitsh avhe ma no we iggon. Ma eotmignhs no si i tub thta rionwkg. Nigrkow on rthu ondt’ usdorinabe sthi am ahtt onremay i we os feel. Ot adle lpepeos to ehrto nto fo yhet exticpneasot otn uors rae hitw ldho si rietplbsnisyoi ti our us,. Gnldhoi oknw olt of dan ’yoreu htat a i. Hsoet ot sgnith wodn akoy ouy utp tis’ ’mi eiltnlg. Yoak leeppo ansiitdppo olve oyu is’t to. Flei, hirte ’its tno eesbcau rosyu i’st. Noe uyo ubeseac to otn on eb lhsut’dno atwh iondg ash r’eetyh adn hte ouy flei nglvii ayapcict else letl oldush ryuo. Wtha u’yero lla era yeht to ondig ssisweten htta cacseseosri to uoyr ear eiatrly. Retmsta me oitnghn. Vhea ti oruy enursiev ti ,kbca louwd eht pedhap,ne if vhea u’dvhleos ilwl. It first ullfy adn hlcmetil rmof itgihknn oidnsesci emad piersmo i atht yuo tpraa( ayn ae’vthn ghtuhro i hoitwtu. . Eacus e)?lvo nac hfgti woh. Fersind otn bigen fo uto teertl wtih fo lal yul’ol knwo msnydao be htsi i hfipyraxdete on su het. Lief ’anct ecfor uyo utb ni hsti sghint. Erew eehrty’ tbu ton orteh rfo ,us chea orf it okwn odgo ’dont oogd ton yhet tehy. And het dfphrsiine fo you athw erew so omre eolv os ear engvi naht epty ouy and chmu otrwh edeeircv nad era hmcu you bettre. Sheco na are retoh to m)e the wtha na us ut,o tbu sdaymon, it dpifeinhrs tuc ingbe lmbead ehty atkact hety oot ti nde is wish i ot uor say was wenh auceseb on to nad adakwwr toplasreyin leowfold wih(hc ocudl i nde tghnsi ethn uthotwi to eth uoyr ecom wdleoal. Uoy’er het ont ploepe ear etv’yeh rwhot nneo worht ear ghknntii of tssnaneis you rtedtae lal and ue’yov ihwt o,ldrw ecsueab you lkei si hte uoatb hnwe ubt oslt. Dan eht uufert bengi msfel,y owryht yads fo ym ot idtnne dnpse yuo, ni i su.
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,rosyr i’m.
,me palees ifveorg.
Nakth uoy,.
I uoy levo.
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,oelv.
Em year 32 x odl.

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