A letter from April 10th, 2020

Peaceful right?

Dear FutureMe, If I'm right, (which I am ofc), today is your 21st birthday. Happy birthday E <3 Who'd have thought we'd get here?? I hope you are getting spoiled, by yourself, and remembering that not all birthdays are terrible :). I hope you still have your dynamos (you better, 'cause they're the bestest friends in the world), to party with, but not TOO hard, 'cause we know how that ends! At this current time, you're probably in the middle (I hope in the middle, please don't procrastinate!!), of writing your dissertation on whatever you have chosen! (I still currently think it should be about white privilege in society, but I won't be mad if you choose something better / easier to research :) ). You've nearly graduated, which is a huge achievement, and you should be extremely proud of yourself for everything you've achieved. You may even have a boyfriend by this time, but don't worry if you don't, boys are overrated ;). As I'm sitting here rn, on my bed, at 8:15pm on a Friday night, in a global pandemic where we have been in lockdown for 15 days (and I / you have been in self isolation for about 29 days), I thought I'd tell you how much I love you. 2020 so far has definitely been a rollercoaster, if you remember, March - now has been the hardest. But you are so worth it. I don't think I know anyone more worth it than you. Don't ever let anyone take you for granted. You are worth so much more than someone just picking you up and using you, but if that does happen, pick yourself up. You've picked yourself up from rock bottom before, you can do it again. With the state of the world at the minute, its easy to crawl back into that part of yourself, who doesn't actually know how much you're actually worth.. (I'm aware I've used 'worth' like 50 times but hey i'm not one with words as we both know). And even though you've done that, for those 29 (and more) days, that doesn't make you weak, or any less what you're worth (again.. I know). The point I'm trying to make is, life is continuously kicking you / us / me down, but you CHOOSE life. Everytime. And that's something to be **** proud of. Like a dandelion through the pavement, I persist. Me and mum have almost finished the fifth season of How To Get Away With ******, (hopefully you've now watched season 6 and figured out what the hell is going on!!!), and I don't think I realised until today how much of a big impact it has had on me. I don't think I've admired anyone more than Annalise Keating. I know she's fictional, but she's incredible. She has made me love myself, which hopefully works out for you because hopefully you are loving yourself more than ever. Things I love so much about you is how kind you are, which I often take as being a pushover, which we can be, but my goodness you have a big heart. And with all that loving and helping everyone else you do, letting them enter your heart, surely there's enough room for one 19 year old who just wants to be happy :). The things I thought I hated about myself / us, are the things that make us, us. The dimples in your cheeks when you smile, and your smile which can be as wide as the Cheshire Cat's when you're laughing. Your eyes which have seen so much, but still can be just as kind when you really look into them, and the creases under them when you smile just proves how much laughing you've done when you're with the right people. The way you are with the kids makes me want to be that girl everyday. I am currently a mess, but aren't some messes beautiful? I'm a work in progress, but I promise you I will work my arse off to make sure that when you receive this, you're as happy as you can be and so loved by yourself. And if you're not? Well, you've survived 100% of your worst days yet. That's 21 years worth. But if you still have your dynamos, can see the kids, have your loving family, a roof over your head, and food on the table, then that's all you need to get through the bad days. There's always sunshine if you look for it, there's always something to laugh or smile about, and there for sure is something beautiful in everyday. You were created with a perfect palette. A palette of intelligence, stubbornness, humour, passion, and beauty and lots more that I'm willing to look into myself to find, for you. I don't know what the future holds, but I will make a future, for you, for me. Love, 19 year old me x

Epilogue

about 2 years later

Dear 19 year old me,

Wow, sometimes I think past me is more wise than current me, but we are the same person so I have that wisdom somewhere ha!...

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Usiped nitalkg ilef ni ot my ni 12ts who( elrte,t) epycomtlle uoy im’ htat ,now 32 nda echgdan my ryea nwdo rea. And ti year steb swa eth rsowt fo ym file. As eatgr ym a yrbhdita huogr ts12 trhghuo ,oen tcpha ongig a eewr tno didtech we me ym sno‘ay’md wsa. Ya,re buirnlgcm lla tltlie eemrptesb eocm i idd enrsifd hte ayn dna urhotguoht of eb nwod by it downu’lt temh ihwt i ayw atht onwk hte wloud. U,yo ryo,wr okchs guhneo you hobt ’eiv fro but idcer teh of atht or to’nd us tgmih etspu, akme. Peolep emse hwta twan ,owkn lla atht atr’en osmstieme tyeh ot uoy and i. Oernas eary htta ereth peeplo sreliae astp thta ctsntlyoan het di’dnt leltti rnuoad ouy are stuj so 1ts2 so mfro hktni eulrfos, of mayn my rae hatt tunli aer ew ew ti. Rpdedpo alos i i ndi’dt aeyr, otu disliacu snnyeitle dan tath eauratdg bmecea. Ubt ivle eilf beal ddt’in who it uwldo i gto iotn pplieds nda to osmeneo tno ya…go for ednfwnou hwo a wuttiho i i ingeb wnok eolv my uhogtrh up edn wtih. Ecmtillh ruo. My rspiecvpete h’es is no rvtygeihen ngcdahe she tyllcmeepo em, ihts imh ni yuo jtus uldow htrig dwlor, ahtt lfei dna veol. .
I uni 2203 reay ym ned lujy eratf 21st hohutg i a did fof in ,me arye in ewnt pu arggudatin :21 a i ackb agdaerdut dna whti. Duolw dopur oyu os be. I odurp ma so. Off olucelgsnni wsa i edantssitiro eht bgine pu fo heivctemane my smkar a on and nad ): ewf eisggbt a to ,eatd no, peotpeircn frsti ts’i ym ended.
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Edned been tsbe pu a erev btu uot nmoivg i r,die iingvl eht dan nedsoici ’ist t,cimlleh thwi. Teh and my wingtir irght saw ti olt demidl idde in hu,tr stal it of dinoattessir ear,y a darnagd okhcs nda a. Dna ees mhi lutnocd’ ohtnms teowr ecmo a noit mih ot a but iivst ywyana uto after el,etrt nad uoy fo ta he afrte had ot o,meh lla i uyo uoldc hatt ltel cd,nowlok i oyu you og wihs og polecu. Wnko bad eth cbka i( ash i),llw ’ontd sueevrni so flee oruy yuo.
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I tell atth shtere sgihnt you lcudo i ihws. Podur i iekl am of yuo woh. I 4 moetnm endtasi dknrie in uoy wsa of het to whis eratl i owh yrsae. Btu i ma porsmei yo,u langhie i. Adn nerni wsa i,ekl ahle us to ma to fo i anht aehv feysml ne,be brodeb rofm ma smlfye ontd’ no rou thta ot ldcih rdinek prtas enibg slfuero grkinwo ahel i i eohst nwaird ew evre. A rou dna a ’mi ucetyrlnr lwel sa ,lrt)tee!! oryu i gitrh siht tbi ognig t31h 4 pensweh uot mpogin gwirnti pneswhe d’i sgthni ys(e adn and ma rtadbyhi tern’a eavh trafe ettlli iceens sa horbtre no,w we edlpeh no uondf eseuacb we. Ttha tmneoihsg ikwgonr utb i si no am. Stih am moyerna htat raoubsdein os i on wikrnog on’dt tuhr lfee ew. Tno our ruos ti ot yteh si ton eonlrbpiiytsis htiw soeelpp odhl dlae ,us aer ot throe caoxttenspei of. Lto wonk nad fo atht a uyo’er nihldog i. Uoy hoste ’sit dwon ot ayok tup etglinl ishgnt ’im. Aopntiipsd t’si yuo olve plpeeo yaok to. I’ts ,file asueceb uroys eihrt not ’its. Uyo tayacipc ash adn abucsee ont else ’eerhty eb oignd etll hdonl’uts hwta giilnv one ouy your to hte on dolush flei. Ot ioaercesscs they liytrae lal uyoer’ eestsiswn rae that tawh to uoyr rea idngo. Mstrtae inngtoh me. Lduow uoesvh’dl veha yruo usvrniee ti het it deehap,pn ,bcak eavh liwl if. Ti nginihkt artpa( i nda hwotuti hrhguot edsisnoci yfull llmthcei i fmor uyo atht seorpim stfri dema nay ’ntvhea. . O)?lev acesu how cna fhgti. Be uyllo’ of nkwo resnfid su bneig rtetle the odsnmay iexhayftpder tou wiht no sith ont lal of i. Ubt coref hsit in sithng ifel yuo ca’nt. Ahce yeth for ’eyerht tub eothr nto it otn s,u eerw dtno’ fro tehy konw dgoo gdoo. Hwta and htrow riedpsinhf olev gveni muhc het uoy htan mreo eypt eewr rae vceerdie and oyu hucm fo os tebert so adn you are. Wkrdaaw seoprtnilya stgihn si to albmde i dna but nayso,md oto era moce spfiedinhr ot het aws hwat benig woedlal on hcw(ih out, dne ot osceh nde uro uct me) hewn ohrte sya su duloc ti rouy yteh ldweoofl na cseeaub hte i to cktaat it na tnhe shwi ethy owthuit. Nnieassts yu’oer ehnw rwld,o btu lla hitw oslt het ’yeveht fo yuo igihtnnk vu’oey nda si aer opplee tuaob era cbausee teh ont reteatd uyo rhwot rthow nneo klie. Whryot ,yuo uetruf het ibneg ot fo ym i days ylmsef, nad ednitn us ni sdnep.
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Mi’ yrsr,o.
Oivgfre ,me ealpse.
Htnak y,uo.
I olve yuo.
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Oev,l.
Reay x dol em 32.

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