A letter from April 10th, 2020

Peaceful right?

Dear FutureMe, If I'm right, (which I am ofc), today is your 21st birthday. Happy birthday E <3 Who'd have thought we'd get here?? I hope you are getting spoiled, by yourself, and remembering that not all birthdays are terrible :). I hope you still have your dynamos (you better, 'cause they're the bestest friends in the world), to party with, but not TOO hard, 'cause we know how that ends! At this current time, you're probably in the middle (I hope in the middle, please don't procrastinate!!), of writing your dissertation on whatever you have chosen! (I still currently think it should be about white privilege in society, but I won't be mad if you choose something better / easier to research :) ). You've nearly graduated, which is a huge achievement, and you should be extremely proud of yourself for everything you've achieved. You may even have a boyfriend by this time, but don't worry if you don't, boys are overrated ;). As I'm sitting here rn, on my bed, at 8:15pm on a Friday night, in a global pandemic where we have been in lockdown for 15 days (and I / you have been in self isolation for about 29 days), I thought I'd tell you how much I love you. 2020 so far has definitely been a rollercoaster, if you remember, March - now has been the hardest. But you are so worth it. I don't think I know anyone more worth it than you. Don't ever let anyone take you for granted. You are worth so much more than someone just picking you up and using you, but if that does happen, pick yourself up. You've picked yourself up from rock bottom before, you can do it again. With the state of the world at the minute, its easy to crawl back into that part of yourself, who doesn't actually know how much you're actually worth.. (I'm aware I've used 'worth' like 50 times but hey i'm not one with words as we both know). And even though you've done that, for those 29 (and more) days, that doesn't make you weak, or any less what you're worth (again.. I know). The point I'm trying to make is, life is continuously kicking you / us / me down, but you CHOOSE life. Everytime. And that's something to be **** proud of. Like a dandelion through the pavement, I persist. Me and mum have almost finished the fifth season of How To Get Away With ******, (hopefully you've now watched season 6 and figured out what the hell is going on!!!), and I don't think I realised until today how much of a big impact it has had on me. I don't think I've admired anyone more than Annalise Keating. I know she's fictional, but she's incredible. She has made me love myself, which hopefully works out for you because hopefully you are loving yourself more than ever. Things I love so much about you is how kind you are, which I often take as being a pushover, which we can be, but my goodness you have a big heart. And with all that loving and helping everyone else you do, letting them enter your heart, surely there's enough room for one 19 year old who just wants to be happy :). The things I thought I hated about myself / us, are the things that make us, us. The dimples in your cheeks when you smile, and your smile which can be as wide as the Cheshire Cat's when you're laughing. Your eyes which have seen so much, but still can be just as kind when you really look into them, and the creases under them when you smile just proves how much laughing you've done when you're with the right people. The way you are with the kids makes me want to be that girl everyday. I am currently a mess, but aren't some messes beautiful? I'm a work in progress, but I promise you I will work my arse off to make sure that when you receive this, you're as happy as you can be and so loved by yourself. And if you're not? Well, you've survived 100% of your worst days yet. That's 21 years worth. But if you still have your dynamos, can see the kids, have your loving family, a roof over your head, and food on the table, then that's all you need to get through the bad days. There's always sunshine if you look for it, there's always something to laugh or smile about, and there for sure is something beautiful in everyday. You were created with a perfect palette. A palette of intelligence, stubbornness, humour, passion, and beauty and lots more that I'm willing to look into myself to find, for you. I don't know what the future holds, but I will make a future, for you, for me. Love, 19 year old me x

Epilogue

about 2 years later

Dear 19 year old me,

Wow, sometimes I think past me is more wise than current me, but we are the same person so I have that wisdom somewhere ha!...

.
Ttah rae to you feil wo(h nagdech ym dupise in adn el)et,tr ym anilkgt onw, etlceymlop mi’ ni onwd s12t reya 23. Dan srowt saw hte fo aery bets ti leif my. O,ne gouthhr s2t1 ont rwee saw a ruohg a tchpa ’‘amdoyns ym me gongi heddcti we ym tydrhaib as regta. Ehtm ahtt wthi mbnlcigru fo tlelit ti eth ddi wond e,ray lal rfnisde ayw i by breetmpes meoc know i eb yna hte w’unodlt toughhutro wuodl dan. Yuo ’iev ghueon eircd tihgm utb or hatt or,wyr of su eakm htbo cohsk u,oy het dotn’ ,tupes for. Dna ssemmteio esme all ethy atnw to poplee i ahwt hatt tar’ne uyo ,nkwo. Di’tdn oeplpe eht t21s fomr naym we nuardo rea tsuj uoy think leeiras htat utlni uef,lsor ntonlatscy tspa tlteil os aer aer we my fo teerh oanrse so hatt ryae ttah it. I itenneysl ar,ey asol pdoepdr caeebm htat uto etraaugd adislcui d’intd i adn. Ti foenunwd i nde up httwoui plpsdie rhutgho veol i ofr wiht flie live ogt wloud ubt i tno ebnig inot how ot wnok my ’ndtid gya…o ealb adn who oemseon a. Oru helctilm. Flei vole in sutj hatt si wld,ro thigr teepserivcp iths ednhcag ymlotecelp m,e oyu odluw imh she my dan enrehyitgv s’eh on. .
Ljyu pu hhguot i after i t2s1 1:2 ryae a i uaadredgt inu idd off ni ym gainadutgr enwt nde adn itwh 3022 eayr abck ni em, a. Be so ouy odulw uopdr. I os am pdruo. Anihmetecve up ffo ot a dna tfsri my endde dan askrm swa atde, antiisetorsd on locsnignuel is’t i n,o ggtbise het ym :) fo efw a ibnge criepepnto.
.
Ihtw tsbe iltm,hecl osnieidc but eerv igvlni i er,di adn dende hte a out ebne ginomv up ti’s. Olt rdagdan wsa a ti nda hte dimeld tlsa dide dna ey,ar itrgh my hu,tr hkcso iwntgir a fo in nierasodttis it. Go mhi i to yuo go utb i had clduo a wihs he come pecolu nad ouy fatre ndco’ult naywya uot nda ltle lla tnio a iivst uoy ferta fo to eterl,t ondwlkc,o ihm ta yuo ese ntohsm hm,eo that oetwr. Wi,ll) wnok has i( hte bad bkac uryo leef ndot’ so ouy vuesienr.
.
I ltel i ldcou yuo atth tseher ightns iwsh. Woh dupro i fo am ouy lkei. Ridnke sihw syaer i het uyo etsanid aws 4 i mtmnoe ni woh ltare of ot. I i yo,u but am anielhg epromsi. On icdhl laeh rnaidw eli,k am su mesylf neinr ohest hela htan igbne inwgrok to i i dna reev am fo ’dont ttha to stapr to swa avhe i ew morf kedinr nb,ee oru fsuoelr efmlys bodrbe. Isth dna vhea eecsuba ma h13t won, gtnwrii a im’ hlpeed onufd cnleruytr newsphe gpionm out )l,e!ttre! 4 ogign sa ephwesn lwel itrgh we i tetill your ydithrab inshgt horrteb erfta uro tbi dan ew sye( a adn no sa ’naetr esncei d’i. On atth si gmiestnoh am tub gknroiw i. We hatt so uthr no i feel ymnraeo isth am wnogirk iubronased ond’t. Ont leriysntbsioip htye rea edal it oru to fo s,u not eohrt iesoacetxtpn to orus leeopps dolh is ihtw. A dna gdhioln nkow i tol u’roey of tath. Ihngst ot m’i ouy kaoy oetsh ’its utp eiltlgn wdon. ’tis ppeole evlo to oyu kyoa inidtpspao. Rihet tno csaeeub tis’ ysrou ei,fl ti’s. Eeucasb llte noe on eesl adn slhudo be uyor iglinv tawh ’oshutdln tno uyo hyrete’ uyo to ictpcyaa lfie ash iognd the. Oryu to twah goidn to are hyet eyiltra rae sestenswi tath issorseacec all ur’oey. Me tresamt gthonni. ,hndpeeap seuviern ahve c,abk huovldes’ if llwi uoyr dlwuo eht it it hvea. Scnseiiod touitwh (aartp dan nhea’vt ttha rsfti daem lehlimtc yufll morpesi hhuogrt any oyu i nhknitig ti i rfom. . Ascue tghif ?)loev how can. Eb letter i onaymds nto out us gbnei nsriedf wokn itsh eth lla u’loly daehifyerptx fo no htiw of. Uyo tub refoc ni inhsgt feil tshi at’nc. ,us oogd eewr btu thye it good otn tohre ethy for ahec ont o’tdn ofr wkon ’tryeeh. Riveeedc so hmcu ytpe mcuh fihpendsir hwotr you ahtw os aer and nad uoy eolv fo orme atnh eerw nda nigve aer you trebet eht. Our to other ithsgn het ear su i an i ti igbne nody,msa saw aadkrww ays ubt dne wc(ihh neth e)m ehnw ti uct moec oto ladlwoe emabld an adn teyh het rouy to ubeasec ot oehsc eplnysoriat udloc athw dne dpehifirns yeth on htiouwt u,to is ot ackatt fldowloe shiw. Onen adn epeopl slto wrol,d hte enwh v’euyo uboat detetra tnssesina ear nto aer wthi tbu eht ortwh yuo uyre’o ’eheyvt lal whotr si tkinhngi yuo ilke of ueecsab. Ryhwto ,ouy ydsa su i ntiden of nbegi uufetr the in ym dan syfm,le to ednps.
.
’mi sror,y.
Ovigref e,m eaelps.
Ntkah u,oy.
I eovl ouy.
.
Ve,ol.
Raey ldo x me 23.

This user has written an update to this letter.To see what they wrote, please

Press ← and → on your keyboard to move between letters

Write new comment

Load more comments