A letter from April 10th, 2020

Peaceful right?

Dear FutureMe, If I'm right, (which I am ofc), today is your 21st birthday. Happy birthday E <3 Who'd have thought we'd get here?? I hope you are getting spoiled, by yourself, and remembering that not all birthdays are terrible :). I hope you still have your dynamos (you better, 'cause they're the bestest friends in the world), to party with, but not TOO hard, 'cause we know how that ends! At this current time, you're probably in the middle (I hope in the middle, please don't procrastinate!!), of writing your dissertation on whatever you have chosen! (I still currently think it should be about white privilege in society, but I won't be mad if you choose something better / easier to research :) ). You've nearly graduated, which is a huge achievement, and you should be extremely proud of yourself for everything you've achieved. You may even have a boyfriend by this time, but don't worry if you don't, boys are overrated ;). As I'm sitting here rn, on my bed, at 8:15pm on a Friday night, in a global pandemic where we have been in lockdown for 15 days (and I / you have been in self isolation for about 29 days), I thought I'd tell you how much I love you. 2020 so far has definitely been a rollercoaster, if you remember, March - now has been the hardest. But you are so worth it. I don't think I know anyone more worth it than you. Don't ever let anyone take you for granted. You are worth so much more than someone just picking you up and using you, but if that does happen, pick yourself up. You've picked yourself up from rock bottom before, you can do it again. With the state of the world at the minute, its easy to crawl back into that part of yourself, who doesn't actually know how much you're actually worth.. (I'm aware I've used 'worth' like 50 times but hey i'm not one with words as we both know). And even though you've done that, for those 29 (and more) days, that doesn't make you weak, or any less what you're worth (again.. I know). The point I'm trying to make is, life is continuously kicking you / us / me down, but you CHOOSE life. Everytime. And that's something to be **** proud of. Like a dandelion through the pavement, I persist. Me and mum have almost finished the fifth season of How To Get Away With ******, (hopefully you've now watched season 6 and figured out what the hell is going on!!!), and I don't think I realised until today how much of a big impact it has had on me. I don't think I've admired anyone more than Annalise Keating. I know she's fictional, but she's incredible. She has made me love myself, which hopefully works out for you because hopefully you are loving yourself more than ever. Things I love so much about you is how kind you are, which I often take as being a pushover, which we can be, but my goodness you have a big heart. And with all that loving and helping everyone else you do, letting them enter your heart, surely there's enough room for one 19 year old who just wants to be happy :). The things I thought I hated about myself / us, are the things that make us, us. The dimples in your cheeks when you smile, and your smile which can be as wide as the Cheshire Cat's when you're laughing. Your eyes which have seen so much, but still can be just as kind when you really look into them, and the creases under them when you smile just proves how much laughing you've done when you're with the right people. The way you are with the kids makes me want to be that girl everyday. I am currently a mess, but aren't some messes beautiful? I'm a work in progress, but I promise you I will work my arse off to make sure that when you receive this, you're as happy as you can be and so loved by yourself. And if you're not? Well, you've survived 100% of your worst days yet. That's 21 years worth. But if you still have your dynamos, can see the kids, have your loving family, a roof over your head, and food on the table, then that's all you need to get through the bad days. There's always sunshine if you look for it, there's always something to laugh or smile about, and there for sure is something beautiful in everyday. You were created with a perfect palette. A palette of intelligence, stubbornness, humour, passion, and beauty and lots more that I'm willing to look into myself to find, for you. I don't know what the future holds, but I will make a future, for you, for me. Love, 19 year old me x

Epilogue

about 2 years later

Dear 19 year old me,

Wow, sometimes I think past me is more wise than current me, but we are the same person so I have that wisdom somewhere ha!...

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Aniktgl (woh 32 my reay leif ndow st21 atth elt)e,rt sedpiu adn leotcpymle in gcdhnae uoy my im’ ot in ear onw,. And leif otrws aws tesb of ti ym yaer eht. Etddcih ‘m’sndaoy rwee tcpah as iggon daibyrht a egart e,no em not ew ym was a ugorh tgohuhr ym ts12. ’ltwdnou owkn ndwo meco iclubmgnr teh nya be by did of eth tath emht uuhhtrotog lal tepebserm dlouw it twih i nrfidse etllit yaw ey,ar i nad. Ohtb oyu o,rwry hte derci itghm or utb td’no tsu,pe uohnge su oskch ,you ofr of that emka i’ev. And tyeh t’aren msiemstoe tath pelope ot wtan hatw lal esem wkn,o i uoy. 2ts1 ew it ear nltaotynsc ofrm fo jstu uoy aer ptsa ltnui irsaeel eht lelitt hatt nyma rae aonsre my so ehert ’tdidn ttha aroudn opleep nkhti htat yaer so sfo,eulr we. Rdatuaeg i eyar, nad olas nilnyeets that deppord saulciid mbecae nd’dti uot i. I who tog ned ielv pu huwttoi to ym wnko beign lipsdep ton a noti hwit elab tdn’di lfei elov odwul ohw omenose i …ayog hgouthr it for adn i utb wdfunnoe. Elihtlcm oru. Nad vleo gitnveyrhe hgrti ihts stuj ldowu es’h si seh hmi cdeghna uyo lodr,w my thta ni yemptellco seripcvetpe ilef me, no. .
Did ni in yaer pu 12st i em, wten ayre jylu rftae my a iaanrtuggd and uin a 12: off i ihtw tguhoh gueddrtaa 3220 kbca dne i. Eb odupr os owlud oyu. Am rodpu i so. Up i o,n opteepinrc aiceetmhnev adn dtea, to ibneg tfirs a ggisetb fwe eht eednd dan ym a ym mrska of fof tsi’ on geiucnoslln ): isntareoistd saw.
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Neeb eth sebt dre,i up and dedne htiw ivomng otu ehltlic,m tub veer i ncsiedoi a it’s ligniv. ,hurt nad teh ym stla deilmd tlo htrig of ,aery ddie a hcsok was it in dan wtrnigi it a sonaieitrtsd gddnaar. Erwot otin i uyo dna a l,trete a dwk,ocnlo uecpol ttah etll you ishw i all hmi ta but cmoe ouy istiv ot fo eftra ohme, hda go og eh tuo uolcd ’ctoldun mih smohtn adn ouy aretf ees yyawan to. Hsa ndot’ uyo (i bad )llwi, yuro so ckab owkn flee senrveui eth.
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Hwis ishtng seerht i olucd oyu llet htta i. Ekil i hwo uyo of odrup am. Ndatsei i nerkid wihs mtmnoe i fo oyu het ot in ohw resay saw 4 telar. I ma tub i o,yu oesipmr lehinga. Ilcdh kerdni lmsefy and roeusfl i eahl no uro niner we nath ginbe ikel, ormf ohtes yfelsm lahe i e,neb fo taspr radwni ot ma eordbb eahv saw rvee ot ma htat ot i odn’t us nrgkwoi. Dan seince wn,o yoru fdoun a im’ hspwnee 31th 4 eartf nopgmi sa adn ittlle as whenpes ew hretrob am esy( oru ahev ecbseua htigr lelw entr’a ibt out dna niggo hist ew igwtirn ehlped thinsg ,tt)!!elre uyrnreclt hdatbyri id’ i a no. Si am htta gonseimht but onrgwki on i. I tath htru anmreyo ’ntdo os bianedrosu origkwn on am we hsti elef. Not ton aled ti htroe ,su eiibsosinltryp rea uro heyt epseplo wthi of si sruo ot xeteitoscpan lohd to. A fo ndgoilh i wokn lot ahtt orye’u nda. Put ’im ist’ to teosh tsgnhi ayko getnlil you nodw. Peeolp dpntsipioa oelv to oaky you s’ti. Thier ’its uryso ts’i ei,fl sebceua not. No oyu adn ouy ash y’heret ingvil het yaicatcp thwa lsee ueeabcs one ingod flei ltel lsnuthod’ oshdul ot nto yrou be. Ot yuro coiascsesre esswsietn o’yrue ttha rea yhet ot lla iteyrla awth dogni ear. Srmeatt nithngo em. Ti it ersnveui if ead,enpph euvh’odsl hte vaeh douwl oyur llwi vahe ckab,. It i ruhtgoh i oyu nay htat nda sonsidcie ylluf omrpies hgintikn wiutoht emicllth itsrf mdae nevtah’ mrof tpr(aa. . Cna ftigh oel)v? ohw sacue. Lal ton rtteel oknw su ignbe teh tsih fo no ylul’o ysonadm uot i pexfheydatir eirsdfn of be whit. Tub reocf iths oyu sgthni tnc’a efil in. Td’on not for weer hety oogd rof onkw ogdo us, eyh’etr it etrho ehac nto tub thye. So eewr ettbre rwhot dieevcre of oyu fpihdrinse much waht tahn os vloe dan nda yuo nad ngvei yuo yetp era cmuh meor ear eth. Nde kaadwrw i ignbe ot het no wneh tbu to su coehs dna allodew eyht oryu it ti oot uor an dsipfrenhi ocem tiwotuh tuc was takatc ot emdbla beusace ehtn sya to shiw are the dmanosy, ehyt na ned m)e poriytaslen is i hatw eoofldwl tou, ihsngt dlocu ehort i(cwhh. Enianstss vou’ye bcuesea ’ueoyr otn uoy het like ngtkhiin olrwd, e’yevth the ltso etetadr uoy tbu ehnw hwort of trohw lla dan si eonn uobat thiw pepole aer ear. Uutefr ot us hte and dpens ysda ni of idntne msfye,l i tohwyr ym ,uoy ngebi.
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M’i oyrs,r.
Lapsee eirfgvo e,m.
Kntha uo,y.
I vloe oyu.
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Ovl,e.
32 old yera em x.

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