A letter from April 10th, 2020

Peaceful right?

Dear FutureMe, If I'm right, (which I am ofc), today is your 21st birthday. Happy birthday E <3 Who'd have thought we'd get here?? I hope you are getting spoiled, by yourself, and remembering that not all birthdays are terrible :). I hope you still have your dynamos (you better, 'cause they're the bestest friends in the world), to party with, but not TOO hard, 'cause we know how that ends! At this current time, you're probably in the middle (I hope in the middle, please don't procrastinate!!), of writing your dissertation on whatever you have chosen! (I still currently think it should be about white privilege in society, but I won't be mad if you choose something better / easier to research :) ). You've nearly graduated, which is a huge achievement, and you should be extremely proud of yourself for everything you've achieved. You may even have a boyfriend by this time, but don't worry if you don't, boys are overrated ;). As I'm sitting here rn, on my bed, at 8:15pm on a Friday night, in a global pandemic where we have been in lockdown for 15 days (and I / you have been in self isolation for about 29 days), I thought I'd tell you how much I love you. 2020 so far has definitely been a rollercoaster, if you remember, March - now has been the hardest. But you are so worth it. I don't think I know anyone more worth it than you. Don't ever let anyone take you for granted. You are worth so much more than someone just picking you up and using you, but if that does happen, pick yourself up. You've picked yourself up from rock bottom before, you can do it again. With the state of the world at the minute, its easy to crawl back into that part of yourself, who doesn't actually know how much you're actually worth.. (I'm aware I've used 'worth' like 50 times but hey i'm not one with words as we both know). And even though you've done that, for those 29 (and more) days, that doesn't make you weak, or any less what you're worth (again.. I know). The point I'm trying to make is, life is continuously kicking you / us / me down, but you CHOOSE life. Everytime. And that's something to be **** proud of. Like a dandelion through the pavement, I persist. Me and mum have almost finished the fifth season of How To Get Away With ******, (hopefully you've now watched season 6 and figured out what the hell is going on!!!), and I don't think I realised until today how much of a big impact it has had on me. I don't think I've admired anyone more than Annalise Keating. I know she's fictional, but she's incredible. She has made me love myself, which hopefully works out for you because hopefully you are loving yourself more than ever. Things I love so much about you is how kind you are, which I often take as being a pushover, which we can be, but my goodness you have a big heart. And with all that loving and helping everyone else you do, letting them enter your heart, surely there's enough room for one 19 year old who just wants to be happy :). The things I thought I hated about myself / us, are the things that make us, us. The dimples in your cheeks when you smile, and your smile which can be as wide as the Cheshire Cat's when you're laughing. Your eyes which have seen so much, but still can be just as kind when you really look into them, and the creases under them when you smile just proves how much laughing you've done when you're with the right people. The way you are with the kids makes me want to be that girl everyday. I am currently a mess, but aren't some messes beautiful? I'm a work in progress, but I promise you I will work my arse off to make sure that when you receive this, you're as happy as you can be and so loved by yourself. And if you're not? Well, you've survived 100% of your worst days yet. That's 21 years worth. But if you still have your dynamos, can see the kids, have your loving family, a roof over your head, and food on the table, then that's all you need to get through the bad days. There's always sunshine if you look for it, there's always something to laugh or smile about, and there for sure is something beautiful in everyday. You were created with a perfect palette. A palette of intelligence, stubbornness, humour, passion, and beauty and lots more that I'm willing to look into myself to find, for you. I don't know what the future holds, but I will make a future, for you, for me. Love, 19 year old me x

Epilogue

about 2 years later

Dear 19 year old me,

Wow, sometimes I think past me is more wise than current me, but we are the same person so I have that wisdom somewhere ha!...

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That elrte,)t lyolpetecm wo,n in lkagtin ryea 32 my ni ym ouy dhgncea wndo ot (ohw t2s1 diuspe nda fiel era ’mi. Ifle het of ym ti bset asw and arey swtro. Ioggn soydmna‘’ eno, ew st12 bihyartd tno a ym was a ym me ewer gtare otghuhr tcaph ogurh sa edtchid. Rptsemeeb ,arey ddi it uowld all elltti hitw eb ayw yan eht wodn ocme by bngmriluc i i twl’udon fo hhuorutotg thme okwn srfnedi nad that eth. Us htta yuo fro dcrie ’ive htgmi epus,t ,you nugheo wrroy, aekm ’tdon fo ohksc btu otbh ro the. I ot poelep ietsesmmo ahtt nko,w ehty you seem adn twan htaw er’ant lal. Aer untli eth it fulser,o uyo nddti’ nnolsatyct fo thta ileltt ryea we os rae dnuaor sjut yman lpeope seaielr ew era thta hnkti herte thta ym 12ts atsp fomr so arseno. Ddtn’i mbecae tou sola yenntlsei liduisca i tgdearua i taht dan pddroep ,ayre. Ofr itwthuo with ntio and ot but i woh iledpsp wnnefdou a it i wonk my otg oeemosn tno odwlu up i dne ohw ilev blae gyoa… levo ndidt’ hrhotgu efli neigb. Cllhitem uro. No eigvrntehy him hse’ eolv rwo,ld uoy fiel and irhgt nhcadeg cesirtepvpe m,e my stuj wudlo tath iths hse is ni yelmcetplo. .
I idd off yera gohhtu etrfa in ckba ,em pu i and edn ni my a 2230 i etnw ddtaeguar ylju htiw eayr inu aantiruggd a :12 s21t. Ouy eb udowl oudpr so. I ma dupro so. Teh ,on nad wsa :) wef makrs eipnprcteo of ym slicngenuol chetivameen ffo to a otdsaentisir up enigb tgisbeg tea,d its’ i my eeddn a and on istrf.
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Gvinil i whit el,hcitml nda vogmni veer csdiione btu otu neeb estb a ider, eht ’its pu dndee. Was eht dna ti tu,rh derstniistao of dnargad a ryae, ohkcs lsat ti in iedd deilmd my tlo dna a wringit ghrti. Tbu og dan i yuo lucope ohem, go oint you hatt ftare adn tmnohs out tee,trl uyo retaf ihm eltl dah awyyna ta he ot ees oyu i ortwe a dluoc’tn hmi a hwsi emoc of lal ucdlo vtsii ot w,okcnodl. Os oyu nt’od dab eelf acbk lwi,)l oury senuirev the i( nowk sah.
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Ltle thta eehsrt tginhs could hwsi i i yuo. I ma eikl woh fo oprdu yuo. Naditse fo oyu hwo 4 swa rteal ot mneotm ni ryaes nerdik ihsw i the i. Nghelia i ,yuo but imeosrp i am. Ot nridek i us hatt i ot idrnwa oflseur flmeys ei,kl onirgkw ma ratps i we oru fmro gnieb aelh fo to evre on ma htan derbob swa tnod’ hildc aevh ehla rnnei n,bee oehst ylsmef adn. Otu ew iwnrgti ngiths dna i’d rrectuyln no eahv yse( atdbiyrh ma pdehel isht omginp a found h13t oru itb as torbehr tighr tn’era i 4 becuase elittl nhwsepe sa iceesn we nda te,r!!e)lt dna a gniog psenweh artfe w,on uroy ’im ewll. No tub si i gniwkor ientmsogh ttah ma. Ma ew isht kiwrnog so i ndo’t on yernoam eefl eiobnrausd atth rthu. Ot htiw aled eyth erhot it uor si otn ,su opslepe suor ot nto ear ssierilintpoyb dhlo cpexsotnatei of. Of taht u’ryeo odihlgn a i and nkwo olt. Uoy tis’ to hstoe ’im gtnhis oyka tup lnligte dnwo. Ot ykao you opeepl ovle ptiipdoans i’ts. Ton asceueb iehrt i’st ysoru ,ifle ’ist. To accytaip tno yuo sha htwa oen ecsbaeu ’erhety teh ouy gonid seel flie hu’tldsno ryuo tlle odlhsu dna ginvli eb no. Witsssnee aer all ear ilytera to oryu ogdni esiecsarsco atwh oye’ru to htat tyhe. Meatrts igontnh me. Ep,dnheap ti eht ti lwli ehav ulwdo ve’husold ruyo eveunsir fi vhea a,bck. ’vehatn aaptr( nad ti twhuoit fistr itnginhk hatt mresiop leiltmhc uyfll rfom i nya deam you iioescdsn i htruhog. . Anc )?elvo woh htgfi aecus. Lal teh tltere dnaosym ’oluly on su yehxtieapfrd of iwth thsi nfeirsd nto oknw ibegn i out of be. In cerof file ubt thsi ctna’ ouy ntgihs. Rewe eeyh’rt dnto’ teyh odgo ti otn good hyet ethro otn rfo for btu wonk haec u,s. Os nad rbeett os ewer nad aer ahtw dna rhnidiesfp yept chmu era ecvdiree leov teh tahn rtowh eignv of hmuc oyu oyu uoy emro. Cohes het no tkaact heyt neth ethy tuc yrou end hreto nslopaeiyrt na eomc tiuwhto oweolfdl ned albdem i ot cdoul ot,u ot thaw dwrwaak rae wsih na syod,mna i sya eht oto em) ebuasec is ierpnhsfid our hhwci( to shtnig su it henw gebin ot it tbu dna dlalewo swa. ,owdrl oyu fo sesntains ete’yvh elki is ue’vyo rthwo tno lla ue’ryo the owthr eonn artdete uoy btauo suaceeb era eht are but tiwh nhew poplee nad nikhnigt stol. Ni hytwor i trufue of us ydas ,lfesmy ,yuo dnteni bengi dan dsenp my het ot.
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R,sroy im’.
Eselpa em, veirgof.
,uyo kanth.
Evol yuo i.
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Eovl,.
Year 32 me x dlo.

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