A letter from April 10th, 2020

Peaceful right?

Dear FutureMe, If I'm right, (which I am ofc), today is your 21st birthday. Happy birthday E <3 Who'd have thought we'd get here?? I hope you are getting spoiled, by yourself, and remembering that not all birthdays are terrible :). I hope you still have your dynamos (you better, 'cause they're the bestest friends in the world), to party with, but not TOO hard, 'cause we know how that ends! At this current time, you're probably in the middle (I hope in the middle, please don't procrastinate!!), of writing your dissertation on whatever you have chosen! (I still currently think it should be about white privilege in society, but I won't be mad if you choose something better / easier to research :) ). You've nearly graduated, which is a huge achievement, and you should be extremely proud of yourself for everything you've achieved. You may even have a boyfriend by this time, but don't worry if you don't, boys are overrated ;). As I'm sitting here rn, on my bed, at 8:15pm on a Friday night, in a global pandemic where we have been in lockdown for 15 days (and I / you have been in self isolation for about 29 days), I thought I'd tell you how much I love you. 2020 so far has definitely been a rollercoaster, if you remember, March - now has been the hardest. But you are so worth it. I don't think I know anyone more worth it than you. Don't ever let anyone take you for granted. You are worth so much more than someone just picking you up and using you, but if that does happen, pick yourself up. You've picked yourself up from rock bottom before, you can do it again. With the state of the world at the minute, its easy to crawl back into that part of yourself, who doesn't actually know how much you're actually worth.. (I'm aware I've used 'worth' like 50 times but hey i'm not one with words as we both know). And even though you've done that, for those 29 (and more) days, that doesn't make you weak, or any less what you're worth (again.. I know). The point I'm trying to make is, life is continuously kicking you / us / me down, but you CHOOSE life. Everytime. And that's something to be **** proud of. Like a dandelion through the pavement, I persist. Me and mum have almost finished the fifth season of How To Get Away With ******, (hopefully you've now watched season 6 and figured out what the hell is going on!!!), and I don't think I realised until today how much of a big impact it has had on me. I don't think I've admired anyone more than Annalise Keating. I know she's fictional, but she's incredible. She has made me love myself, which hopefully works out for you because hopefully you are loving yourself more than ever. Things I love so much about you is how kind you are, which I often take as being a pushover, which we can be, but my goodness you have a big heart. And with all that loving and helping everyone else you do, letting them enter your heart, surely there's enough room for one 19 year old who just wants to be happy :). The things I thought I hated about myself / us, are the things that make us, us. The dimples in your cheeks when you smile, and your smile which can be as wide as the Cheshire Cat's when you're laughing. Your eyes which have seen so much, but still can be just as kind when you really look into them, and the creases under them when you smile just proves how much laughing you've done when you're with the right people. The way you are with the kids makes me want to be that girl everyday. I am currently a mess, but aren't some messes beautiful? I'm a work in progress, but I promise you I will work my arse off to make sure that when you receive this, you're as happy as you can be and so loved by yourself. And if you're not? Well, you've survived 100% of your worst days yet. That's 21 years worth. But if you still have your dynamos, can see the kids, have your loving family, a roof over your head, and food on the table, then that's all you need to get through the bad days. There's always sunshine if you look for it, there's always something to laugh or smile about, and there for sure is something beautiful in everyday. You were created with a perfect palette. A palette of intelligence, stubbornness, humour, passion, and beauty and lots more that I'm willing to look into myself to find, for you. I don't know what the future holds, but I will make a future, for you, for me. Love, 19 year old me x

Epilogue

about 2 years later

Dear 19 year old me,

Wow, sometimes I think past me is more wise than current me, but we are the same person so I have that wisdom somewhere ha!...

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Wndo ’im nw,o lefi tath rae iaglnkt you adn ym raye ot ,tere)tl gchdean dipseu lelctypoem ni ym 23 woh( in t2s1. Rtwos my it hte nda saw ryae of fiel steb. A ym ahcpt s2t1 mn’ds‘yoa gngoi was dhcitde sa a ont hrbiydat n,oe htohurg ewre agert we em my ohgru. Yna emht moce ltetli ttah way down yb idd dsrinfe dluow eb ountdwl’ lal lucnbgimr konw teh nad i ourttgohuh eth thiw i it yae,r fo estbemper. Ghuneo hte ttah thmgi o’ntd tub ro scohk rof of sue,tp o,yu us iv’e yuo rrw,yo akme ecdri thob. Seem ouy ttha n,okw nda hwta loeepp emsosimet lla er’tan ot wtan i they. Rae ym uleorf,s atth omfr rea hknit uyo jtus amyn pelpeo din’dt htta roaudn ayre spta ts12 het os are tletil talotcnnys of uitln it htta we we alsiree there aneros so. I nad dpedrop saol i agtaured otu bcmaee isdcluia ahtt ,reya ennitsley nid’td. Btu kwon adn ogt dne pu oevl eilf beal rgtuohh omeesno gneib uldwo how i dn’dit nfunewod i g…yao ton i a thiw uwthtoi ivel for ym toin piedpls who ot it. Rou lemhlict. Nhcgdae ihts dwo,rl nda mhi jtsu my eilf yuo dlwou ’she esh erveityhng is in me, vloe rthgi evriscpetep ahtt on pyeolmtecl. .
Idd tnew a twih eyar in dan bkac e,m hhtoug i my 1st2 i 2032 atdgareud a niu pu in afert arey i 2:1 luyj dne dguaaringt off. So ldouw oprdu you be. I uprdo so ma. ,on itfrs fof aws to ): a being entciehemav eth nrpcptieeo adn and its’ ym fwe ym pu slolcenguin tssreiiotnad no gtsbgei a endde skarm of i ed,ta.
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I neeb ieiosdnc reid, a erve hte iecllm,ht ubt nigovm nda st’i eddne tuo pu tbes ivngli thiw. Sdnoartiseti yare, of medidl dna ni wsa ddie my lot ruh,t oskch itrhg ti aslt it nrwtgii and het a a gddnraa. I tuclnd’o oyu of cloud ywaany efrat trteel, a dah mceo and at ot wihs og tino m,eho codln,wok nda ees ihm you ouy atfer isvit a out utb sohntm to eh i etll yuo rowet coleup him all ahtt go. Rouy cakb iw,l)l oyu i( feel ensurvei os bad nkwo eth dt’on ahs.
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Whis ttah tlle uoy lodcu sgtnhi i i ethers. Ma pdoru i of ilek uoy hwo. 4 yrsea tansdei ot hwo i nkeird ihsw enomtm of i hte you in aws elart. ,uyo but i i am einlhag pirmsoe. Mrfo einnr on ma lahe rou dt’on ki,le erev ruofels oberbd iegnb wadnri evah i i to asptr ma idchl athn of we seoht kdienr een,b msflye i ongrikw sylfme ot aws hlea hatt us adn ot. Oerbrth sa ihtrg ruo enceis heav uroy eebsacu stngih nert’a ew dna sehewnp fatre ellw nad bit eeldhp dna as (sye th31 lttile nw,o di’ reel!t,!t) sith a odnuf am i uot no ehwensp 4 a m’i tcrnlyeru we mgpion giirwtn rdbtayhi igogn. Utb is girnwko on am taht i thnogmesi. Ndot’ onwkigr am tihs ahtt i seunrbodia os we rthu no aoyrmne leef. Ot nto dlea are ot speoilnbiyrtsi plseope s,u uor tno coxeiesptnta iwth lhod fo is erhot ti ythe rsuo. Fo ttha a i yu’oer owkn inhlgdo tol and. Odnw ot nghist toshe okay nilelgt utp ’im ’tsi ouy. Ot akoy plopee it’s pdaotiisnp leov yuo. I,fel t’si st’i itrhe tno eeasucb yrous. Odgni tawh lese sha capictay glnvii be no yuo hoslud nto elif r’eyeht ellt to hsotdul’n oen uory nda oyu bacseue the. Ot ytlaier rae era htat oigdn oruy hyte to iocrsseseac htaw twnseeiss royu’e lla. Em smreatt noignht. Lwli ahev ahp,ndepe if ldwuo cakb, het it dsho’leuv uenvsrie ti uory aevh. Imoprse ta(apr inscsioed that elihctlm i inntikhg uyo llyfu i ’evtahn mdae any and wottiuh mrfo ti troguhh ifsrt. . Woh ol)v?e sacue acn tighf. Ont fdsenir fo het wtih l’yolu nbgei i etaexpfyridh nwok all of dmayson itsh telrte be us no uot. N’cta btu fcero htis uoy in file hingst. Doog o’ntd fro ceha tno ythe dogo were ofr otn ti btu teyh horet nkow yreth’e su,. Wtha elvo rae cmuh ewre niveg het athn ytpe are os so nad emor throw eirdceve and uoy dpsfirhine fo yuo hcum eerbtt dan uyo. Ays nteh utb eihnfdipsr to eigbn it teyh ldawelo tisnhg rae and teh it us utc an em) (chiwh oto na i woiutht yasioeprlnt wsa ecom to cesho uyor end het sydnoma, i dne wath htoer ot u,to almedb si aecbsue on wrakawd ehty uor whne lloefodw ihws uclod ttkaca ot. Iwht adn eppoel aer ucsbeea uotab hrtow iekl ont onen w,odrl ouy yeu’ov het nweh ntghiikn is fo essstanin stol vty’hee lla uyo deatter rhwto yure’o tbu teh aer. Einbg dsay i nnietd uy,o in of to spden otwhyr su ruetfu ym and syml,fe eth.
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’mi rrosy,.
Gorefvi psaele em,.
Nhtak ,you.
Vole i you.
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V,eol.
Ryae me odl 32 x.

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