A letter from April 10th, 2020

Peaceful right?

Dear FutureMe, If I'm right, (which I am ofc), today is your 21st birthday. Happy birthday E <3 Who'd have thought we'd get here?? I hope you are getting spoiled, by yourself, and remembering that not all birthdays are terrible :). I hope you still have your dynamos (you better, 'cause they're the bestest friends in the world), to party with, but not TOO hard, 'cause we know how that ends! At this current time, you're probably in the middle (I hope in the middle, please don't procrastinate!!), of writing your dissertation on whatever you have chosen! (I still currently think it should be about white privilege in society, but I won't be mad if you choose something better / easier to research :) ). You've nearly graduated, which is a huge achievement, and you should be extremely proud of yourself for everything you've achieved. You may even have a boyfriend by this time, but don't worry if you don't, boys are overrated ;). As I'm sitting here rn, on my bed, at 8:15pm on a Friday night, in a global pandemic where we have been in lockdown for 15 days (and I / you have been in self isolation for about 29 days), I thought I'd tell you how much I love you. 2020 so far has definitely been a rollercoaster, if you remember, March - now has been the hardest. But you are so worth it. I don't think I know anyone more worth it than you. Don't ever let anyone take you for granted. You are worth so much more than someone just picking you up and using you, but if that does happen, pick yourself up. You've picked yourself up from rock bottom before, you can do it again. With the state of the world at the minute, its easy to crawl back into that part of yourself, who doesn't actually know how much you're actually worth.. (I'm aware I've used 'worth' like 50 times but hey i'm not one with words as we both know). And even though you've done that, for those 29 (and more) days, that doesn't make you weak, or any less what you're worth (again.. I know). The point I'm trying to make is, life is continuously kicking you / us / me down, but you CHOOSE life. Everytime. And that's something to be **** proud of. Like a dandelion through the pavement, I persist. Me and mum have almost finished the fifth season of How To Get Away With ******, (hopefully you've now watched season 6 and figured out what the hell is going on!!!), and I don't think I realised until today how much of a big impact it has had on me. I don't think I've admired anyone more than Annalise Keating. I know she's fictional, but she's incredible. She has made me love myself, which hopefully works out for you because hopefully you are loving yourself more than ever. Things I love so much about you is how kind you are, which I often take as being a pushover, which we can be, but my goodness you have a big heart. And with all that loving and helping everyone else you do, letting them enter your heart, surely there's enough room for one 19 year old who just wants to be happy :). The things I thought I hated about myself / us, are the things that make us, us. The dimples in your cheeks when you smile, and your smile which can be as wide as the Cheshire Cat's when you're laughing. Your eyes which have seen so much, but still can be just as kind when you really look into them, and the creases under them when you smile just proves how much laughing you've done when you're with the right people. The way you are with the kids makes me want to be that girl everyday. I am currently a mess, but aren't some messes beautiful? I'm a work in progress, but I promise you I will work my arse off to make sure that when you receive this, you're as happy as you can be and so loved by yourself. And if you're not? Well, you've survived 100% of your worst days yet. That's 21 years worth. But if you still have your dynamos, can see the kids, have your loving family, a roof over your head, and food on the table, then that's all you need to get through the bad days. There's always sunshine if you look for it, there's always something to laugh or smile about, and there for sure is something beautiful in everyday. You were created with a perfect palette. A palette of intelligence, stubbornness, humour, passion, and beauty and lots more that I'm willing to look into myself to find, for you. I don't know what the future holds, but I will make a future, for you, for me. Love, 19 year old me x

Epilogue

about 2 years later

Dear 19 year old me,

Wow, sometimes I think past me is more wise than current me, but we are the same person so I have that wisdom somewhere ha!...

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Efli ni ttah elotmycpel aniktgl ni my wdno mi’ ym adn eayr 23 hneagdc are ouy to wh(o pieusd no,w st21 rettel),. Ym eray ostwr eth ilef fo it sebt was nad. Rhogu gtrae ew dchtide en,o apcth ym weer a nm’adys‘o em ym was onigg utohgrh a not habtdryi 2t1s as. Hte luwdo esmbrteep i ecmo it nmirlbgcu by onkw ndow fo hgturhtuoo nda ayw teh htat all emht tillet nay ntldu’ow ,year i serdfin hwit eb ddi. Ohneug oyu ouy, hmitg ubt that odn’t for ohbt eth wor,yr v’ei kosch ,tepsu ercdi fo mkea ro us. Ehyt eolepp oissemmet tawh lal htta ’eartn i to nad seem uyo ow,nk tnwa. Raey it mofr noalttysnc era ymna htat so we tusj era of uoy so htta elsirea rae thta tnd’di elpepo we my f,sorelu teh ndurao unlit 12ts ettill ithkn anoser tehre satp. Nad etennsyil uto ialicsud itdn’d beaecm ae,yr rpdeodp ahtt alos i atderuag i. Pu tno a oeomsne tgo orf i oudlw it elba ithw wuefonnd ym y…oag btu lepidps thhgruo wkon oelv who d’ntdi ot who iegnb ittouhw i ifel onti ivle i den and. Lmtcleih uro. Is dna engtreiyhv hes uoy sthi on ym vprepeetcis tusj ielf drol,w coempytell seh’ e,m dolwu ghrti that mih olev ahdcnge in. .
In niu i up s1t2 uljy em, a adn a arey off did tiwh eayr raeutddga ertaf dne 3202 i i :12 rnituadagg gthouh ni my wnte akcb. Os oluwd dorup be uyo. Odrup am so i. Aws st’i my fof eth trasteioisdn up eglluiocnsn dende d,tea iheeactnmve gbgiste inegb a to i a ): adn nda fwe ym itfrs masrk on on, nrpepiceot of.
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Twhi cdiseoin gilniv dan tseb neeb ,edir uot eddne up t’is hte a i he,tclilm ovgmni but ever. In ddei lto eyr,a of dan ym it a hgrti uhrt, ti adn cshok andadgr het asw lsta a eisosiarndtt iwgintr melddi. To etfar llet at l,teter ouy i uoy erotw i you lno,cdwko ishw ese aterf tuo a mo,he eh noti mcoe but nawyay go him adh of oshnmt yuo ot and taht ulodc ihm nad ouctnl’d go oucelp lla iistv a. Elef ash vueiesrn iwl),l os ruyo kwon ’tdno (i eht ouy abd abkc.
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Llet tath ihws i i igshnt ucold uyo seetrh. Ikle ma woh uoy ourpd i fo. Dnikre ni was owh esnidat erlta ryaes ot 4 i of i wish metnom uoy the. Ma i hngeail tbu i ipmroes ou,y. Ma erev am ahev to eidnrk hant oeulfsr yeflsm rfom nrwida of on ot egnib wsa othes leah tond’ htat ki,le ew uro us arstp iernn i symelf to i dna erbbod lidch e,ben i elah gkronwi. Wn,o yoru ’id aerft e(ys mi’ hrtgi a ma eshewnp lncuryter ngigo tillet donuf ett!e)rl!, twgiirn adn sith sa 4 cesubea tou 3ht1 adn orrbthe lwel uro tngsih eavh lhdepe ytaihdbr escnie a we rnat’e bit and opnmig no as i we eenwpsh. Tmigehson igonkrw tbu tath si am on i. So maoenyr we ridnobeuas feel no goniwrk tish to’nd ma ttah i rhut. Eyth edal ti era iwth oru nto fo lpsoeep iloneiripyssbt si pioxecntatse olhd soru eorth u,s to to nto. Dan olt ilhodgn ahtt wnko i fo a ’eryuo. ’tsi akoy ot lintelg hngits put oshte onwd you m’i. T’si yuo pdinsatiop to oevl eeoppl koya. Fel,i si’t ouyrs s’it ont useeabc erthi. Dan oury eon dogin ldsohu ypiatacc no etyrhe’ tno eltl htaw sah vigiln esle ifel bcueesa eht tdsulonh’ to ouy eb yuo. Aer essewtsin o’eyru lla to htta yoru lteyair ahwt seisaccesro to era ythe iongd. Rmetats em hnnitog. Uvs’odelh eth ti heav neap,hped llwi einvures if aehv uowld ti your c,abk. Hutorhg taa(rp i adn peormis i ignnthik hatt hwttoui aenv’th mfro tfisr oisdiscne ayn tihmlcle amde fyllu ti yuo. . Can how gifht ?leov) ueasc. Htis us patredyiehxf uolyl’ lla gnieb with fo kwon be uot dnmoays etletr eth of fdrnies on otn i. Ocfer sith t’nac stngih ni tub flie yuo. Ehyt rfo ogod hcea etyh gdoo otn ont s,u hry’tee troeh btu nkwo ti rewe orf t’ond. Cveeeird than os yuo nad rwtho of ahwt etpy os ear erew rbtete aer umhc hrisipdenf you gnvei dan uoy voel remo and teh mhuc. Ewlldao pnirtlsaeyo no i ti eht su i tuc madsyo,n ot ythe dan to eth to fewoolld newh (whcih but wsa rou awkwadr culod dne hten ahtw )em are iutthow oot u,to casubee yuor hsiw firhinpeds is ohsec it lambed gnbie ot an atackt gintsh oecm say etroh den hyte na. Si sineansts tbu nigknhti ltso you rhwot aer hrowt oppele teh aedtrte lwd,ro cbeesua het e’etvyh ielk vyeuo’ nweh rae ’reuoy with fo nto ouatb adn neon all uyo. Bgine het us i uy,o nndtie dsay my to fo nda f,yelsm in sdnep towryh reutuf.
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’mi sy,ror.
Oegrvfi ealesp ,me.
Tnkha ,oyu.
I oevl oyu.
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Eo,lv.
23 yrea x ldo em.

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