A letter from April 10th, 2020

Peaceful right?

Dear FutureMe, If I'm right, (which I am ofc), today is your 21st birthday. Happy birthday E <3 Who'd have thought we'd get here?? I hope you are getting spoiled, by yourself, and remembering that not all birthdays are terrible :). I hope you still have your dynamos (you better, 'cause they're the bestest friends in the world), to party with, but not TOO hard, 'cause we know how that ends! At this current time, you're probably in the middle (I hope in the middle, please don't procrastinate!!), of writing your dissertation on whatever you have chosen! (I still currently think it should be about white privilege in society, but I won't be mad if you choose something better / easier to research :) ). You've nearly graduated, which is a huge achievement, and you should be extremely proud of yourself for everything you've achieved. You may even have a boyfriend by this time, but don't worry if you don't, boys are overrated ;). As I'm sitting here rn, on my bed, at 8:15pm on a Friday night, in a global pandemic where we have been in lockdown for 15 days (and I / you have been in self isolation for about 29 days), I thought I'd tell you how much I love you. 2020 so far has definitely been a rollercoaster, if you remember, March - now has been the hardest. But you are so worth it. I don't think I know anyone more worth it than you. Don't ever let anyone take you for granted. You are worth so much more than someone just picking you up and using you, but if that does happen, pick yourself up. You've picked yourself up from rock bottom before, you can do it again. With the state of the world at the minute, its easy to crawl back into that part of yourself, who doesn't actually know how much you're actually worth.. (I'm aware I've used 'worth' like 50 times but hey i'm not one with words as we both know). And even though you've done that, for those 29 (and more) days, that doesn't make you weak, or any less what you're worth (again.. I know). The point I'm trying to make is, life is continuously kicking you / us / me down, but you CHOOSE life. Everytime. And that's something to be **** proud of. Like a dandelion through the pavement, I persist. Me and mum have almost finished the fifth season of How To Get Away With ******, (hopefully you've now watched season 6 and figured out what the hell is going on!!!), and I don't think I realised until today how much of a big impact it has had on me. I don't think I've admired anyone more than Annalise Keating. I know she's fictional, but she's incredible. She has made me love myself, which hopefully works out for you because hopefully you are loving yourself more than ever. Things I love so much about you is how kind you are, which I often take as being a pushover, which we can be, but my goodness you have a big heart. And with all that loving and helping everyone else you do, letting them enter your heart, surely there's enough room for one 19 year old who just wants to be happy :). The things I thought I hated about myself / us, are the things that make us, us. The dimples in your cheeks when you smile, and your smile which can be as wide as the Cheshire Cat's when you're laughing. Your eyes which have seen so much, but still can be just as kind when you really look into them, and the creases under them when you smile just proves how much laughing you've done when you're with the right people. The way you are with the kids makes me want to be that girl everyday. I am currently a mess, but aren't some messes beautiful? I'm a work in progress, but I promise you I will work my arse off to make sure that when you receive this, you're as happy as you can be and so loved by yourself. And if you're not? Well, you've survived 100% of your worst days yet. That's 21 years worth. But if you still have your dynamos, can see the kids, have your loving family, a roof over your head, and food on the table, then that's all you need to get through the bad days. There's always sunshine if you look for it, there's always something to laugh or smile about, and there for sure is something beautiful in everyday. You were created with a perfect palette. A palette of intelligence, stubbornness, humour, passion, and beauty and lots more that I'm willing to look into myself to find, for you. I don't know what the future holds, but I will make a future, for you, for me. Love, 19 year old me x

Epilogue

about 2 years later

Dear 19 year old me,

Wow, sometimes I think past me is more wise than current me, but we are the same person so I have that wisdom somewhere ha!...

.
,won i’m gaklint ipedsu my era ahtt ot adgehnc nad t12s in in tel,etr) nwdo oyu eylmcoltep file my 32 yera (how. Ym saw ti het srtow ebst eyar lfei nda fo. N,oe apthc not a as a urhgo 12ts regat grhouth noggi ym wsa ym yithbdra aos‘ydn’m we dhiedct erew em. By okwn dnow it rstepmebe het tmhe dna i iersfdn odluw i tgohtuuorh be onwlt’ud awy cmoe y,are htwi of eht tllite ayn umlrigcnb ddi hatt lal. Us hscok fo rfo uo,y ugehno tbu btho psu,et htta iecrd t’odn aemk yuo ro ev’i eth orrwy, thgmi. N,okw dna lpeope uoy all hety awth ot ahtt t’erna wnta oeissmemt i seme. Titlle os reaons ndorua os hatt jtus lfr,suoe ltiun kthin aer snyltctano of yrae rea ti heetr seairel ’ddtin 12st we that many teh we ouy rea romf atht my eloepp atsp. Cmeeba hatt iiacsdul uot i i opderdp nda olsa esiyltenn td’ndi tgureaad ,arye. Urghtho elvi who ot nwok a up ym owh i adn ntio ulowd i ithw i piseldp wdnuoefn smoeeon wotuthi nbegi life yaog… ogt tbu vloe orf able ndi’td ned not it. Ilhcelmt our. No cagdenh reyvtgenih ilfe tgrhi ihm tujs ym hits ’hse pcmtyleleo hse e,m oelv pvecistpeer nda is dlowu orl,dw ni uyo thta. .
Eray ni :12 ihtw 2320 in fof i twen kacb a 1s2t edn pu uddgeaatr did i ,me eyra dan aftre my a nui uljy i nagaurdtig ohghut. Ouy be os wludo dorpu. So i odpur am. A hte ym adn aws ym i cneisgounll inebg ,dtea :) ncaevteiemh a cpenoeitpr up tigbesg st’i ot ednde and ,on idairosesttn off fsirt no marsk of efw.
.
Etbs enedd erev a hwti it’s tub micle,lht uto bene inlgiv mvgnoi pu ecdionsi dir,e i eth dan. Ardnadg adn ti fo a ae,ry otl eht a my ieddml oeatnsstdrii itnirwg tasl ni nad tu,hr khsco hgrti it eddi asw. Ewrot to inot a adh him i tfaer see etl,tre yuo at uyo coulep clduo iwhs all he nwayya tuo ubt og mhi omce uoy ellt ndu’tocl to i and fo h,eom a nkcool,dw ftear tath tisiv mhtnos oyu and go. Abkc so oury ’dont elef sha )li,lw uyo bad eht (i evsnueri wokn.
.
I gsnith uyo i cdulo iswh ehrste llte ahtt. Fo ma pordu uoy owh i elki. I nseitda i nrikde relat in wsa 4 hiws seray het nomtem of you to owh. I ma i u,oy hnielga btu iempors. Elmysf lefmys gienb hela ot ma ot su tath orfm i lei,k of ihdlc adinwr ma have wrkgnoi ever riendk hlea be,ne no our nnier we nad doebrb aptsr i i ot rfulseo athn tn’do otseh saw. Tetill dan ’mi ibt penhwes 4 ew ntceurlry rou haiyrtdb di’ ehva nipgmo threbor era’nt ma oruy llew a dan ow,n ew !l!re),tte goign eecaubs ht31 nad yes( a as erfat tou no fuodn edpelh tihs sa htgri sepnhew ienecs tihnsg i gintriw. Ma tub ahtt nsgmieoht i no is gnwkroi. D’otn on so onbredsiua lefe ma noigrwk i roemnya thta rhtu we shit. Sppeelo su, ehty si tno dlae rae fo htoer to iseotxntcepa it ot hldo rou itwh orus ton npiolbitsirsey. ’uyreo tath ohldnig onkw a i and fo otl. Owdn telglni tinghs oayk ptu oyu t’is ot htsoe ’im. Kayo oyu ot lopeep elvo iaodpintps st’i. Ebuseac tis’ s’it ,ifle not osyru rihet. Ut’slhond shduol adn on eth ot lese life viginl hawt tell be nto eucsaeb eyhre’t yuro yuo sha yptaiacc diogn yuo eno. Era awth aeitrly rea tyeh wtesssine eyr’uo aseiecscsor ndgio to htta all uryo ot. Rtstmae ingohtn em. Senruive iwll eth yuor eavh dape,hpen oushlvde’ lwodu ehva fi ti ti bcak,. I posemri rtap(a tllmiehc it thta henv’ta ayn hkintngi nda oyu tuhotiw tuorghh cnsiosdei mrof i fisrt lufly emad. . Anc cseau how hgift evo?)l. Tno rteetl i lla su het tuo llyou’ with be no ebign aonymsd of of isth onwk eehfdxytarpi erdsfin. Uyo ubt ntc’a ni lefi itnhsg ocefr isth. Orf h’teyre erwe u,s ogod thero ubt ton ceah yeht kwon otn it rfo yhte ndto’ oodg. Pyet you cderivee rmoe adn of cmuh wtha dna rea aer the erwe rtetbe you gnive yuo sprfnihied os os rhtow hatn evlo and chum. Rkdwaaw lwoofdel wish laldewo hsgnti eth het hten pysitlareon taakct i ot etyh ti an uro no hwat dmebla to oot tuc w(ichh tub i adn ays ecabeus sondm,ya coshe colud yeht hrteo to o,ut na uyro end gbnie ned si us it rae ehnw npfihedisr to em) iuhtwto saw moce. Era worth slto ubaot ubt uev’yo het orue’y the klie olwdr, si dtratee of hignktni otn lal htwi enhw htrow dna leepop enno ear uecasbe uyo esinntssa ete’vhy you. Ot adsy dnneit sfle,my dna inebg us snedp uo,y i trohyw ym urtuef the of in.
.
Yosrr, mi’.
Fvoiegr pelase e,m.
Khtan yuo,.
Oyu i lveo.
.
,olve.
Em 23 x yrae ldo.

This user has written an update to this letter.To see what they wrote, please

Press ← and → on your keyboard to move between letters

Write new comment

Load more comments