A letter from April 10th, 2020

Peaceful right?

Dear FutureMe, If I'm right, (which I am ofc), today is your 21st birthday. Happy birthday E <3 Who'd have thought we'd get here?? I hope you are getting spoiled, by yourself, and remembering that not all birthdays are terrible :). I hope you still have your dynamos (you better, 'cause they're the bestest friends in the world), to party with, but not TOO hard, 'cause we know how that ends! At this current time, you're probably in the middle (I hope in the middle, please don't procrastinate!!), of writing your dissertation on whatever you have chosen! (I still currently think it should be about white privilege in society, but I won't be mad if you choose something better / easier to research :) ). You've nearly graduated, which is a huge achievement, and you should be extremely proud of yourself for everything you've achieved. You may even have a boyfriend by this time, but don't worry if you don't, boys are overrated ;). As I'm sitting here rn, on my bed, at 8:15pm on a Friday night, in a global pandemic where we have been in lockdown for 15 days (and I / you have been in self isolation for about 29 days), I thought I'd tell you how much I love you. 2020 so far has definitely been a rollercoaster, if you remember, March - now has been the hardest. But you are so worth it. I don't think I know anyone more worth it than you. Don't ever let anyone take you for granted. You are worth so much more than someone just picking you up and using you, but if that does happen, pick yourself up. You've picked yourself up from rock bottom before, you can do it again. With the state of the world at the minute, its easy to crawl back into that part of yourself, who doesn't actually know how much you're actually worth.. (I'm aware I've used 'worth' like 50 times but hey i'm not one with words as we both know). And even though you've done that, for those 29 (and more) days, that doesn't make you weak, or any less what you're worth (again.. I know). The point I'm trying to make is, life is continuously kicking you / us / me down, but you CHOOSE life. Everytime. And that's something to be **** proud of. Like a dandelion through the pavement, I persist. Me and mum have almost finished the fifth season of How To Get Away With ******, (hopefully you've now watched season 6 and figured out what the hell is going on!!!), and I don't think I realised until today how much of a big impact it has had on me. I don't think I've admired anyone more than Annalise Keating. I know she's fictional, but she's incredible. She has made me love myself, which hopefully works out for you because hopefully you are loving yourself more than ever. Things I love so much about you is how kind you are, which I often take as being a pushover, which we can be, but my goodness you have a big heart. And with all that loving and helping everyone else you do, letting them enter your heart, surely there's enough room for one 19 year old who just wants to be happy :). The things I thought I hated about myself / us, are the things that make us, us. The dimples in your cheeks when you smile, and your smile which can be as wide as the Cheshire Cat's when you're laughing. Your eyes which have seen so much, but still can be just as kind when you really look into them, and the creases under them when you smile just proves how much laughing you've done when you're with the right people. The way you are with the kids makes me want to be that girl everyday. I am currently a mess, but aren't some messes beautiful? I'm a work in progress, but I promise you I will work my arse off to make sure that when you receive this, you're as happy as you can be and so loved by yourself. And if you're not? Well, you've survived 100% of your worst days yet. That's 21 years worth. But if you still have your dynamos, can see the kids, have your loving family, a roof over your head, and food on the table, then that's all you need to get through the bad days. There's always sunshine if you look for it, there's always something to laugh or smile about, and there for sure is something beautiful in everyday. You were created with a perfect palette. A palette of intelligence, stubbornness, humour, passion, and beauty and lots more that I'm willing to look into myself to find, for you. I don't know what the future holds, but I will make a future, for you, for me. Love, 19 year old me x

Epilogue

about 2 years later

Dear 19 year old me,

Wow, sometimes I think past me is more wise than current me, but we are the same person so I have that wisdom somewhere ha!...

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Ni ym t,e)eltr ni uyo ondw lcmletyepo ot nda t12s mi’ ,own 23 ym ilfe ipsued that h(ow nlaigkt ryea are dhagecn. It hte reya otwsr of asw iefl adn tesb ym. Erwe my ym me ,one ts21 a sa tcaph aws rgeta bitdhray hdtecid s’y‘oanmd ton ew rughoth ngoig orhug a. Het moce lduow thme yna htwi dan wonk ,eyar uothugorth eb i tlilet risnefd uimlcbnrg ayw ndow yb eth of i idd that u’nltwod lal meebsetrp it. Ericd su uoy vie’ teh pts,ue uo,y dno’t tub rfo hmtig otbh o,rryw gonhue or that ochks of aemk. Htwa peelpo oyu all that yteh seme smoeietms adn i et’ran wkn,o to nawt. Rea uoy eth tjus ts21 os reaosn my tknhi plepoe omfr it thta fo doraun atht are ,oefsurl era aselrie eray ehrte anmy ittlle os we nltiu spat ’ddtni ttha nytosanlct we. I nyeetsnli nda lsoa ahtt eemcab eaaudrtg i d’nidt ialducis otu deopdrp rae,y. Bgeni bela ohw a dseplip eovl d’nitd edn i btu ti smnoeoe i oduwl nowk ton hitw dnnuoefw otin ot iwuhtot owh i htgrhuo pu g…yao evli rof my lefi otg nad. Rou heclmtli. Voel feil is hist taht ticpvrspeee m,e rw,odl nieetrghyv ehadngc lwdou ustj yuo hes locptlemye no ym and ni trghi him h’se. .
Ryae ffo a i i i my with a st21 up did acbk uin in em, drageatud othhgu end :21 atefr eary ujly ni 2230 aagrtunidg wnet and. Uyo os eb dopru ulwdo. Am rdpuo os i. Stifr ’tsi meenhtvaeci nad deedn a my up i ): wef tencpipore atrsintiedso teibsgg to eatd, het fo a ym no kmars oluelcngsni ffo ,on swa adn egbni.
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I eth itwh s’it viogmn tou disecion pu tsbe dneed edri, a nad neeb erve ei,lchtlm ubt vniilg. Rt,hu dna ckhos ti lto a deilmd ddei fo yr,ea a hgrit and tsla ym het ti igirtnw aws addrgna in odieairtstns. Tiivs letl of go i poeluc uyo i otu uyo tion og a dah rwote cot’ldnu tarfe luocd at hsmnot a oyu him all ese imh wcoklond, eh ot yanway to tub ,retetl dan uyo ratfe cmoe tath ,hmoe hiws dan. I( elfe ouyr acbk bad einruves hte to’dn owkn hsa os ouy ,)lwli.
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Letl shiw dluoc stighn i taht uyo i trhese. Ekil rpoud i ma fo oyu ohw. Dnierk asw of i to ni eommtn 4 dntiase wsih yresa you i woh het relta. I ,uoy ma psemoir i but linaghe. Tanh bnieg setho myflse evre nto’d of naidwr wsa on i htta dna idlhc i fmesly einrn ot frmo i aelh uefolrs ma our ot l,kei us laeh deborb nkeidr nb,ee ma stapr veah ot ew kworngi. Nw,o atenr’ spnewhe ew i’m ma id’ a (sey avhe dtriybha rgntiiw tish ignths gigon a acbseeu ltetil 4 tuo 3ht1 and lelw ehrbrto on rtlcyrnue tib i sa as tghri oru ecsine e!t!t)elr, ew hpsenwe dna dna lehedp dufno oryu arfet mgnipo. Tath gwnorik ma tbu si seonmthgi no i. Seobiranud tish am os ew eefl i ndto’ on urth oirnwkg htta onayerm. Ti laed whti rhtoe ,su nto rae riplesnsbotyii si ton to pelespo to tehy ruo rosu fo optetneaxisc ohld. I htat a nowk of nda tol uoyre’ dnhoigl. Sitngh ot htoes oyu put eglltin koay wond t’is i’m. Opplee to oyu antspoiipd yaok ti’s oevl. Syoru irteh ,elfi tis’ ti’s otn euacseb. Neo no uyo efli lees etehy’r to etll yuor idgon solhud wtah dan you suaeecb ton utnosh’dl the eb ahs ivilgn ptaaicyc. Eiseoacssrc uoyr ot rae ’yureo tisewsens lla digno thaw they ayeitrl are to hatt. Ignohtn ermsatt em. Rouy if luhdoev’s lowdu seervnui eth ti wlil ehav he,pnaedp ,abck ahve ti. Fmro rsitf itclelmh dan hrohgtu igninhkt sopreim i tath ah’nevt siendcosi ayn ti mead oittwuh i t(rpaa ouy ylflu. . Cna l?evo) esacu hwo tfhig. The eb nkwo lla i us ysmndoa ihwt of l’youl fo eignb defisrn no tno eerttl iayefxhdpret tuo hist. Oyu rofce siht in efli ginsht n’atc ubt. Thero on’dt utb ogdo yteh ,us not nto wonk yere’ht godo fro ahce ti they rfo weer. Rea os nda etbter you ytep fo aer uyo the and ngevi nad wath decervei oevl ucmh mhuc yuo eomr tnha erwe so wtorh nhpidisefr. The i si wch(ih was an i too elofwldo igntsh den tehn to ypotnslarei enhw ohsce noa,msdy na den gebin oury ti oterh yeht ihws otiuhwt ecom on rkwaawd usbeeac ear ot ldcou to nad to heyt hpridiefsn aelowdl our lbdaem it tackat teh yas us utc tub em) out, awth. Ouy klei wtrho era ubt thiw eaubces low,dr oyu eht aeetdrt eouyr’ lla ont poleep yvueo’ ihgtnnki are eht is of wnhe vyth’ee tbaou htrow and iatnesssn lsto onne. And syad to fo erftuu ym ,yuo us esyf,ml snpde ibgen tyowrh the netdni in i.
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M’i ryr,os.
Eelpsa ofgvire me,.
You, nthak.
Uoy lveo i.
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L,voe.
Me dlo aery 23 x.

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