A letter from April 10th, 2020

Peaceful right?

Dear FutureMe, If I'm right, (which I am ofc), today is your 21st birthday. Happy birthday E <3 Who'd have thought we'd get here?? I hope you are getting spoiled, by yourself, and remembering that not all birthdays are terrible :). I hope you still have your dynamos (you better, 'cause they're the bestest friends in the world), to party with, but not TOO hard, 'cause we know how that ends! At this current time, you're probably in the middle (I hope in the middle, please don't procrastinate!!), of writing your dissertation on whatever you have chosen! (I still currently think it should be about white privilege in society, but I won't be mad if you choose something better / easier to research :) ). You've nearly graduated, which is a huge achievement, and you should be extremely proud of yourself for everything you've achieved. You may even have a boyfriend by this time, but don't worry if you don't, boys are overrated ;). As I'm sitting here rn, on my bed, at 8:15pm on a Friday night, in a global pandemic where we have been in lockdown for 15 days (and I / you have been in self isolation for about 29 days), I thought I'd tell you how much I love you. 2020 so far has definitely been a rollercoaster, if you remember, March - now has been the hardest. But you are so worth it. I don't think I know anyone more worth it than you. Don't ever let anyone take you for granted. You are worth so much more than someone just picking you up and using you, but if that does happen, pick yourself up. You've picked yourself up from rock bottom before, you can do it again. With the state of the world at the minute, its easy to crawl back into that part of yourself, who doesn't actually know how much you're actually worth.. (I'm aware I've used 'worth' like 50 times but hey i'm not one with words as we both know). And even though you've done that, for those 29 (and more) days, that doesn't make you weak, or any less what you're worth (again.. I know). The point I'm trying to make is, life is continuously kicking you / us / me down, but you CHOOSE life. Everytime. And that's something to be **** proud of. Like a dandelion through the pavement, I persist. Me and mum have almost finished the fifth season of How To Get Away With ******, (hopefully you've now watched season 6 and figured out what the hell is going on!!!), and I don't think I realised until today how much of a big impact it has had on me. I don't think I've admired anyone more than Annalise Keating. I know she's fictional, but she's incredible. She has made me love myself, which hopefully works out for you because hopefully you are loving yourself more than ever. Things I love so much about you is how kind you are, which I often take as being a pushover, which we can be, but my goodness you have a big heart. And with all that loving and helping everyone else you do, letting them enter your heart, surely there's enough room for one 19 year old who just wants to be happy :). The things I thought I hated about myself / us, are the things that make us, us. The dimples in your cheeks when you smile, and your smile which can be as wide as the Cheshire Cat's when you're laughing. Your eyes which have seen so much, but still can be just as kind when you really look into them, and the creases under them when you smile just proves how much laughing you've done when you're with the right people. The way you are with the kids makes me want to be that girl everyday. I am currently a mess, but aren't some messes beautiful? I'm a work in progress, but I promise you I will work my arse off to make sure that when you receive this, you're as happy as you can be and so loved by yourself. And if you're not? Well, you've survived 100% of your worst days yet. That's 21 years worth. But if you still have your dynamos, can see the kids, have your loving family, a roof over your head, and food on the table, then that's all you need to get through the bad days. There's always sunshine if you look for it, there's always something to laugh or smile about, and there for sure is something beautiful in everyday. You were created with a perfect palette. A palette of intelligence, stubbornness, humour, passion, and beauty and lots more that I'm willing to look into myself to find, for you. I don't know what the future holds, but I will make a future, for you, for me. Love, 19 year old me x

Epilogue

about 2 years later

Dear 19 year old me,

Wow, sometimes I think past me is more wise than current me, but we are the same person so I have that wisdom somewhere ha!...

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Nda ym my 32 ,won aery in 21st im’ enhcadg in w(oh ear iefl lngitak ollycetpme odnw uoy tel)tre, ot edispu ttha. Fo swa ryae sebt ym and wtosr the life it. Chpta a sa ew a aws rhthogu hbytradi ym erwe n‘ysaodm’ not ts21 horgu ,eon etihdcd my em teagr ggino. Eth know lncgrmbiu eltlti eth bteeprems meoc and eb ayw e,yar wluotd’n roouhttghu it lla down them i taht i of did olwdu rniefsd yan yb tihw. Su meak ’vei het khocs nohegu ton’d ubt yrr,wo stup,e of or reidc uoy, ouy rfo ohtb thta thimg. I tsmoiemse ahtw peolep nk,wo nwta to all you nea’tr hyet ahtt and esem. Spat ,flerosu tlleti so htat rea polpee ktihn sealrei rae ti reteh olytnactsn eht ’ndidt rae utlin thta ryea utjs nyam taht ouy os romf my uodnra 2s1t of we earosn we. Dtn’id ay,er insnytele alos daaurteg mbceea otu drdppoe i i htat and ailciuds. Genbi ym i ot a eeomnso ti owh i up hwti eippdls adn itwhout nnowfeud nkwo owldu ovel owh i blae tnio elvi not d’itdn rfo got oga…y lefi end uhghotr tub. Citelhml oru. Hmi evol tloelymcpe dna htta hits my eh’s ilfe esh itgrh m,e rieynthvge ngached on dwolu is r,lowd tppevcrisee ni uoy jsut. .
A i ni bcak fof i ,em wnet 1t2s uhgoht ym reya 2023 tfrae ddi end i a 12: dan ni inu htwi gingtuaadr uylj druatdega eray up. You os urdpo odwul eb. I poudr ma so. Locsegnluni dna a ot npirectpeo tsi’ dstsranitoie tad,e ): wsa i hceetavimen fof msrak pu on, ewf a no ym rtsif ngbei dan het dedne fo tibgesg ym.
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Iognvm i ddeen erve it’s tseb thwi het nglivi l,etmhlci ubt eben tou erdi, csidoein pu a nad. Ti my nda ddei in het a raye, ttsorsiedina ohcsk it itnigwr a satl rgthi saw ,thru adn emdidl otl of dgdraan. Cpelou eh dan to see freta ouy i i shwi uyo u’notlcd oyu ubt a og go of viist uot eltl a wnaayy arfte lal mhi nkoo,cwld eocm uoy osntmh nda eortw hmi ahd atht at lteter, to luocd me,oh itno. Oyur hte lfee ownk uyo ervusine (i bda lil),w so ntd’o akcb sha.
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Eshrte olcdu i ouy i sgihtn htta wshi llet. Rdupo ouy eilk ma of how i. Ot i wsa iswh i nedkri insedat 4 in who ntmmeo yrsae telar you hte of. I ,oyu mroepsi tbu am nahleig i. Am fesyml atth fo ei,lk to giknowr and i inedrk ,been trasp hael ebdorb no to ntod’ gneib us i slmfey lahe mofr tahn feosulr we rvee haev oru wnrdai nerin i ot ma aws stheo cidlh. Oruy bit as nad uot ingtiwr a lwel nda we rthig ingsht wepehsn dan isht nepwehs elepdh we abuscee lelitt 13ht ’mi ruo idahrytb e(sy arfet i 4 won, d’i no ngiog monigp atnr’e am a er!tet!l,) sa betrorh ahev oudnf enecis utclrreyn. Si i ttah mhsneiogt wkgorin am btu on. Ew elfe nomyear tath so i owikrng no ruth ma breuadnois tdno’ hsit. To si osru ot fo s,u uro taoxptesicen not era leseppo ont eotrh ehty edal ti lhdo bstespniiriylo ithw. Nwko a lngohdi dan of atth roe’uy i lot. Kayo thoes ot ngisht ’its oyu tup itglenl wnod m’i. Oyak velo lepeop iaodpsiptn uyo t’si to. Ton ’tsi i,lef ither ti’s ruyso aeusbec. Noe idgno vilgni nad nto your rtyehe’ dlhsuo ulod’shnt apiyacct oyu ltle tahw hte on lfie uoy be eles hsa eabcseu to. Cosearissec all ahtt enwssiset ieltayr igdon yteh y’eoru to ear ot athw era oyur. Ngthoni eratmst em. K,acb epa,edhpn hvea owldu nureevsi veah lliw hte yuor if ti ti sved’uohl. Dmea yna grtuhho i onesicsdi uylfl mfro i atht owithut mtelilhc t’enavh srmiope ti tsrif dna atarp( you hngtkiin. . Acn ftghi )?oelv hwo auesc. Rnesdfi su ettler yndsoma lal itsh tno otu i nebig fo hetxapifdrey tihw the of owkn eb on uylo’l. Rcoef hsti in hnigts catn’ yuo flie tbu. Ont ont’d dgoo s,u rteoh htye each rfo ti etyh oknw tno weer rfo ehyt’er tub ogod. Dan nad ceervide hmcu os you omer eht velo pdheifrnsi etpy awth aer tanh yuo hcum so dna given aer eerw howtr uyo of retteb. Nde ot oetrh ueabcse rkadwaw lodaelw yas etyh noasdmy, was oto aattkc rouy is twha hte o,ut choes teh come it dloolefw owhtitu to yoantpresli na i i su etnh no shiw cluod ruo nhwe to ti ubt edn to cut ehty infhspired dna wcih(h an bineg hgnits amlbed aer em). Rea het dna odr,wl eth ’vyeuo oyu eacbsue aer is like all y’rueo ubt outba uyo assnniste y’vhtee nngkihit taterde rhtwo ihwt tosl nto ploeep nweh fo onen thowr. To i lyfm,se uyo, eturuf tywhro of etdnin nda gnbie in sedpn het su ym asdy.
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Mi’ r,ryos.
Seepla feorvig ,em.
Ou,y htnak.
I ouy veol.
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Ovl,e.
32 x lod em raye.

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