A letter from April 10th, 2020

Peaceful right?

Dear FutureMe, If I'm right, (which I am ofc), today is your 21st birthday. Happy birthday E <3 Who'd have thought we'd get here?? I hope you are getting spoiled, by yourself, and remembering that not all birthdays are terrible :). I hope you still have your dynamos (you better, 'cause they're the bestest friends in the world), to party with, but not TOO hard, 'cause we know how that ends! At this current time, you're probably in the middle (I hope in the middle, please don't procrastinate!!), of writing your dissertation on whatever you have chosen! (I still currently think it should be about white privilege in society, but I won't be mad if you choose something better / easier to research :) ). You've nearly graduated, which is a huge achievement, and you should be extremely proud of yourself for everything you've achieved. You may even have a boyfriend by this time, but don't worry if you don't, boys are overrated ;). As I'm sitting here rn, on my bed, at 8:15pm on a Friday night, in a global pandemic where we have been in lockdown for 15 days (and I / you have been in self isolation for about 29 days), I thought I'd tell you how much I love you. 2020 so far has definitely been a rollercoaster, if you remember, March - now has been the hardest. But you are so worth it. I don't think I know anyone more worth it than you. Don't ever let anyone take you for granted. You are worth so much more than someone just picking you up and using you, but if that does happen, pick yourself up. You've picked yourself up from rock bottom before, you can do it again. With the state of the world at the minute, its easy to crawl back into that part of yourself, who doesn't actually know how much you're actually worth.. (I'm aware I've used 'worth' like 50 times but hey i'm not one with words as we both know). And even though you've done that, for those 29 (and more) days, that doesn't make you weak, or any less what you're worth (again.. I know). The point I'm trying to make is, life is continuously kicking you / us / me down, but you CHOOSE life. Everytime. And that's something to be **** proud of. Like a dandelion through the pavement, I persist. Me and mum have almost finished the fifth season of How To Get Away With ******, (hopefully you've now watched season 6 and figured out what the hell is going on!!!), and I don't think I realised until today how much of a big impact it has had on me. I don't think I've admired anyone more than Annalise Keating. I know she's fictional, but she's incredible. She has made me love myself, which hopefully works out for you because hopefully you are loving yourself more than ever. Things I love so much about you is how kind you are, which I often take as being a pushover, which we can be, but my goodness you have a big heart. And with all that loving and helping everyone else you do, letting them enter your heart, surely there's enough room for one 19 year old who just wants to be happy :). The things I thought I hated about myself / us, are the things that make us, us. The dimples in your cheeks when you smile, and your smile which can be as wide as the Cheshire Cat's when you're laughing. Your eyes which have seen so much, but still can be just as kind when you really look into them, and the creases under them when you smile just proves how much laughing you've done when you're with the right people. The way you are with the kids makes me want to be that girl everyday. I am currently a mess, but aren't some messes beautiful? I'm a work in progress, but I promise you I will work my arse off to make sure that when you receive this, you're as happy as you can be and so loved by yourself. And if you're not? Well, you've survived 100% of your worst days yet. That's 21 years worth. But if you still have your dynamos, can see the kids, have your loving family, a roof over your head, and food on the table, then that's all you need to get through the bad days. There's always sunshine if you look for it, there's always something to laugh or smile about, and there for sure is something beautiful in everyday. You were created with a perfect palette. A palette of intelligence, stubbornness, humour, passion, and beauty and lots more that I'm willing to look into myself to find, for you. I don't know what the future holds, but I will make a future, for you, for me. Love, 19 year old me x

Epilogue

about 2 years later

Dear 19 year old me,

Wow, sometimes I think past me is more wise than current me, but we are the same person so I have that wisdom somewhere ha!...

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Won, to 23 ni my ear 12st dspieu reelt,)t ow(h wnod ouy thta hagcned litangk ym ni m’i ifle poeltclemy dna reya. Wstro of ym it teh ilfe steb dan raye was. Huohgtr a e,on erwe icedtdh gtrea em ym a tno aws oiggn 2ts1 as ym we htcpa ytahdrbi rguho ‘dsm’oayn. Ti i idd okwn adn irdsfne coem het i ohugtrthou yan all het ’dtlnuwo yb wulod ttha ncublgrmi be tilelt down rbemseetp ya,er twih way of thme. Ekam stpu,e tmigh or skhoc ,you het rfo dt’no ry,row uhgeno fo htat us v’ei uyo thob tub ecird. Esem atth ot lal wnat ppleeo i wkn,o temsmsoie ethy uyo awth ntar’e dan. Sjtu ndorau so era nihtk os 1t2s are oyu we we apts teh idtnd’ ti eetrh nreosa atth of utiln arey my f,roselu eloepp lnonaytcts teltil ttha yanm ierlsea htat are orfm. Nid’dt asudciil eyleinsnt i htta eddrppo y,rae oals i cembea eagdtuar tou adn. Bengi …ygao ohw i i utb vlie otihtuw eomseon bela who nda i elov ned pu ’tnddi ofr wkno wdoul it tuhhogr a htwi ym oint dplsipe neunowfd otn ot tgo life. Elmihtcl uro. ’seh mih gvtneriehy tsju seh in is me, elfi lwrod, cyeetlpolm psvprtceeei you ihtgr ovle on dolwu hist dan nedacgh htat my. .
Newt :12 i adn ym fof i idd yujl pu 1t2s eray artef a 0232 akcb ni eudtargad me, ggaduainrt tghuho i niu ni twih a yera den. Oudwl so be uyo dorpu. Orpdu ma i os. Tis’ a :) fo to kmrsa eitnsosairdt tsrif my dan lilgnucneso dna ffo a e,adt ym no tehvmenceai ,on swa geibn rtoeppcnie the bgigest i ddeen pu wfe.
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Tub ogvinm vnilgi i hwti eht dr,ie up is’t uto cm,lltihe a nda ddene rvee nebe esiodinc tebs. And stal ddei nad wtnigri a fo lot a ti emdlid rihtg the rsanittoseid my was eay,r dgnadra in skhoc ti hrut,. Taht you ouy ot a nad and could k,dnoclow a oh,em see moec to ouy but og mhi i epuolc eh tviis eowrt fo wyyaan ellt taerf mhi i uot uyo hsotnm ’coldutn tleet,r dha wish og at noit teafr all. Eelf i)w,ll dno’t oyu bad wokn bakc os sah visreuen het oyur (i.
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Oyu i i uclod sghnit ltle wshi atht hteers. I ohw dupro ma fo ikle ouy. I siwh dnaseti 4 i aysre of inekrd reatl uoy eht tonmme ot in how wsa. Am i linaehg eopmirs ubt i uyo,. Wsa dan groinkw uro ilcdh ma aehl nrine i erev awnrdi nigeb eysfml erolsuf fo i i ma el,ki traps mrfo htta to to hatn us hoets ew evha esmylf laeh ndkire on debbor nbee, ot ’ndto. Ewll uory ydrbihat gigno npsehew eeacsub on ipongm am ew hedlpe nad ew i ynerlcrtu 4 shenwep htrerob re!!t,t)el shit mi’ insthg uro nad hvae nad uodnf di’ (yse sa uot hirtg bit encies iettll 13th a eatfr ,won sa r’neta a twringi. Ma is wingrko i gmheontis tbu on ahtt. Tndo’ uhtr yomnear shit am thta ew i on lfee kwoirng oudibnarse so. Ldea eesppol otn ot si roeht ldho wtih tyhe to tpneieatcoxs fo our rea npitbrilyssioe ti ,us nto ruos. A nwko fo tol tath o’urey niolghd i adn. Okay ouy eshot ’mi isghtn etnigll to ’sit down tpu. Loev peolep yuo to s’ti oyak ppansiotid. It’s beesuca ont ,eilf usyor ’its htier. Oyu uyo ash no slee uoyr tl’snohdu tlle teh ecsebau yheret’ be vilgni nad eon olduhs htaw gniod cptycaia ot otn elfi. Gnodi ear eoru’y tyeirla to setewssin scsreceaosi ryou that era all ot tahw hety. Intohgn me rttmeas. Yruo renivseu het elovhuds’ ti aeppehn,d k,cba haev ti luwod iwll fi evha. Ayn uflyl fomr imeorsp ifrst ihkngnit uhiotwt atht heicltml tghoruh ouy and ti i i eadm aart(p dsscienoi ahvnte’. . Ucsea nac hwo )eov?l fhitg. Eth fo nto lal uto kwno i eb olu’ly srdfeni of su with no odymnas ltreet fxepthiayerd hits ienbg. Btu elfi hsti uoy in ’antc ecfor ngtihs. Nodt’ nto ti godo ,us nkow ’eehtry fro ohrte good otn hyet ecah for ythe tub reew. Veidrcee cmuh eebrtt ouy so yuo olve anht uoy adn ear eth nad so hipnefdrsi erwe gnvei hucm orme of epty and htaw aer ohwtr. Oyru ruo to firnseidhp an oaslritenyp hent is ou,t i dne leaodwl udcol to seuaceb hwta to me) na to cwi(hh the too kcatat moce eth no odwflelo hwne tthoiuw nde nad ishw wwadrak ays swa ,nydsmao abemld yhet aer it ti sghnti eyht i shcoe engib tbu hreot us uct. Niknight yuo lkie rea olr,wd with of htwor oyu nda eleopp nhew snesitans roye’u tols oenn all rea worht csuabee veu’oy aderett obtau si the hev’ety eht tno btu. Gneib us fo nntide ot in uoy, i dpnse yads tfureu wrtoyh fsyl,me adn my the.
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Yrsro, mi’.
Veriofg lpeeas em,.
Yuo, hnkta.
Evol i uoy.
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Vole,.
Ayer x dol 32 em.

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