A letter from April 10th, 2020

Peaceful right?

Dear FutureMe, If I'm right, (which I am ofc), today is your 21st birthday. Happy birthday E <3 Who'd have thought we'd get here?? I hope you are getting spoiled, by yourself, and remembering that not all birthdays are terrible :). I hope you still have your dynamos (you better, 'cause they're the bestest friends in the world), to party with, but not TOO hard, 'cause we know how that ends! At this current time, you're probably in the middle (I hope in the middle, please don't procrastinate!!), of writing your dissertation on whatever you have chosen! (I still currently think it should be about white privilege in society, but I won't be mad if you choose something better / easier to research :) ). You've nearly graduated, which is a huge achievement, and you should be extremely proud of yourself for everything you've achieved. You may even have a boyfriend by this time, but don't worry if you don't, boys are overrated ;). As I'm sitting here rn, on my bed, at 8:15pm on a Friday night, in a global pandemic where we have been in lockdown for 15 days (and I / you have been in self isolation for about 29 days), I thought I'd tell you how much I love you. 2020 so far has definitely been a rollercoaster, if you remember, March - now has been the hardest. But you are so worth it. I don't think I know anyone more worth it than you. Don't ever let anyone take you for granted. You are worth so much more than someone just picking you up and using you, but if that does happen, pick yourself up. You've picked yourself up from rock bottom before, you can do it again. With the state of the world at the minute, its easy to crawl back into that part of yourself, who doesn't actually know how much you're actually worth.. (I'm aware I've used 'worth' like 50 times but hey i'm not one with words as we both know). And even though you've done that, for those 29 (and more) days, that doesn't make you weak, or any less what you're worth (again.. I know). The point I'm trying to make is, life is continuously kicking you / us / me down, but you CHOOSE life. Everytime. And that's something to be **** proud of. Like a dandelion through the pavement, I persist. Me and mum have almost finished the fifth season of How To Get Away With ******, (hopefully you've now watched season 6 and figured out what the hell is going on!!!), and I don't think I realised until today how much of a big impact it has had on me. I don't think I've admired anyone more than Annalise Keating. I know she's fictional, but she's incredible. She has made me love myself, which hopefully works out for you because hopefully you are loving yourself more than ever. Things I love so much about you is how kind you are, which I often take as being a pushover, which we can be, but my goodness you have a big heart. And with all that loving and helping everyone else you do, letting them enter your heart, surely there's enough room for one 19 year old who just wants to be happy :). The things I thought I hated about myself / us, are the things that make us, us. The dimples in your cheeks when you smile, and your smile which can be as wide as the Cheshire Cat's when you're laughing. Your eyes which have seen so much, but still can be just as kind when you really look into them, and the creases under them when you smile just proves how much laughing you've done when you're with the right people. The way you are with the kids makes me want to be that girl everyday. I am currently a mess, but aren't some messes beautiful? I'm a work in progress, but I promise you I will work my arse off to make sure that when you receive this, you're as happy as you can be and so loved by yourself. And if you're not? Well, you've survived 100% of your worst days yet. That's 21 years worth. But if you still have your dynamos, can see the kids, have your loving family, a roof over your head, and food on the table, then that's all you need to get through the bad days. There's always sunshine if you look for it, there's always something to laugh or smile about, and there for sure is something beautiful in everyday. You were created with a perfect palette. A palette of intelligence, stubbornness, humour, passion, and beauty and lots more that I'm willing to look into myself to find, for you. I don't know what the future holds, but I will make a future, for you, for me. Love, 19 year old me x

Epilogue

about 2 years later

Dear 19 year old me,

Wow, sometimes I think past me is more wise than current me, but we are the same person so I have that wisdom somewhere ha!...

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Ear t,)telre wo,n oyu hngdeac lief eupdsi im’ my s1t2 ltagnik erya and wnod opelclytem 32 to ho(w ym in ni taht. It sebt ifel yaer aws adn otsrw teh ym of. Ym eewr uohrg 1s2t a tbdrihay a ym em sa swa dna’moy‘s ddhceti iogng grate hturgoh we ne,o thcpa ton. I idd the ryae, htiw any teh adn i by moce tehm of nodw oduwl ensidrf du’tnlwo gohuttuorh bemsepetr nokw ahtt wya eltitl it mlngucrib eb lal. Ets,pu ttha mghit su dn’to cedri enugoh ubt kchso eth ,yowrr you or tbho meak uy,o for ’vei fo. Ouy kwno, i peoepl tath seesmtmoi to hawt wtna emes lla and tyeh enat’r. Rae rae riseale uarond astp rethe nltui lfro,seu seraon ttha ltietl ouy nyam het we td’ndi olpeep os morf ym era we erya ti nitkh 2t1s of so ttah ahtt aoycltnnts utjs. Ppdrode drguatae tou islenteny atht i nda ilcsuaid tn’idd sola i ar,ey ebamce. Vlie troughh a den wituoht esldipp ti woh leab i oeoensm fiel up kwno to gto tub ithw wdfunoen ont ym evlo ygo…a tion i dan uowdl rfo tdi’dn ohw ingeb i. Uor ctemhlli. In imh lief cahgdne ipeetrscevp on ym se’h trigh is gyhrvtenie yuo dan tath ldo,rw douwl seh em, stuj vole pletclomye itsh. .
,me did i s12t aegdradut up in dan ewtn a ni freat gugtradian off i 2203 ackb 1:2 a raye yaer ohgthu i htwi nui nde lyju ym. Lodwu eb so rpdou yuo. So am rodpu i. Orsdasietnti ipcpeornte a off a ti’s no aws nad of i raksm ,date itsbgge sgonucilnel mieehnatvce ym few :) hte dneed pu dan gnbie ot my rsfit o,n.
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The ubt a inligv vomgni stbe and i ihwt pu eben ,deri otu deend s’ti eerv ieodcisn mehlcl,ti. Ttaodirsesni a it y,rea ni nrigwit nad nda a alts lot het idde radgdna lidemd wsa hoksc ym of ti hrt,u irtgh. Go lal a oyu of artef yuo ulcepo he oecm to dan tou oint hiws yuo nshtmo ttlere, i and ahtt i ’cunotld go oyu wayany ,hmeo see to but imh udlco ta a itsiv farte nk,lowcdo ihm towre ltel adh. Uoy eth nesueivr ckba sah wkno dab flee oryu so i)l,lw i( ’dotn.
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Inhtsg lcodu i seetrh i sihw taht oyu etll. Ma uyo how ilke i uorpd fo. Of to i asw uyo eyrsa teh 4 motnem eindkr in i hwo ednitsa etalr iwsh. Am ubt o,yu nhiagle mseripo i i. Ot lrfesuo nad lhcdi fo drniaw erev bdbore ahtt mofr ,elik aevh gkoriwn bne,e than we i tond’ ahle efmyls soteh i drkine us to ma ma no to niern ahle uor asprt i iengb lefyms saw. Duofn e’atnr eewshnp am retfa btherro th31 a ew a lelw ephlde nwhesep stih bti sa i adn rou 4 tuo ggnoi no )!l!rtt,ee heav as isthgn i’d nda ew hitgr adn yabihrdt ouyr ttliel wniitrg pomngi ecausbe es(y mi’ esceni teclynrur n,ow. I no thta sgnomhite tbu is ma oknrwgi. I ’dnto naoermy so ttah on hutr rkigown lfee osbaidnuer ma thsi we. Ot ihtw s,u si deal eeoppsl to nto tyneisoisprbil eyth of rsuo ton ldho rou it orteh ear txacpoiestne. Owkn ttha and otl nldgoih ’yeuro fo i a. Tnillge kayo ts’i wndo tpu ot ’im oshet uoy thisgn. Oyak to lvoe aitondppsi uoy st’i oplepe. Thire beceaus not ei,fl soyur st’i tsi’. Ouy eon htwa eaeusbc cciatapy ehr’yte ot no ash sohuld oyu lfei donig teh and oyru tell inilgv lese be nto sdhotlun’. Yarelit ttha to twah ryuo’e era era enwssiets ieeoacscrss idong ethy all to uroy. Ohnntig aresmtt em. Fi ehav ka,bc ndea,ehpp eeivrsun ’oldhvseu it ti udlwo oyru veah the llwi. Yna thilcelm hughort uyo tv’nhea it nnhgkiit adme i rfsit taa(rp i ttha mopsrei luylf tiwohut nda omrf einsoscdi. . Woh anc caseu )lov?e tfgih. Fo on tsih not uot amyndos lou’yl lal eginb i be fo wokn wtih refdins su refxthadiype the reltet. Feil oyu ubt in tshi cn’ta nsgthi rocfe. They otn rof ont eewr kown t’nod rfo eroht ehty but us, it ete’hyr oogd odgo haec. Muhc humc so aer ear evol dna betetr uyo adn dinrfephis naht os nievg erew ytpe and ecrdevei you eht what roem uyo thwro of. Was the esohc eth lwdolae ysa odleolwf )em su i to ot duolc ti enwh si na cemo dkrwwaa nteh ehyt sthngi ona,ymsd edn nad to i(hhcw eebscua uwothti i wshi on thye tahw oru oreht lmbead ti psfenhirdi sylrinoptea tuc akactt oto tu,o na utb den ot oury bneig are. Yuo htiw adn utb r’eoyu kiel oldw,r henw deattre taobu tee’hyv asntsensi nto fo rthwo gtikhnni uyove’ the all hte oenn wrtho oyu era slto si plpeoe beuceas rae. Eth tefuur felysm, rwtyho nda ignbe to of su asdy i ,you tdienn in pesnd my.
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M’i rsyor,.
Regovfi ,me eslepa.
Uoy, nathk.
Vloe i ouy.
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,evol.
X 23 ldo eyar em.

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