A letter from April 10th, 2020

Peaceful right?

Dear FutureMe, If I'm right, (which I am ofc), today is your 21st birthday. Happy birthday E <3 Who'd have thought we'd get here?? I hope you are getting spoiled, by yourself, and remembering that not all birthdays are terrible :). I hope you still have your dynamos (you better, 'cause they're the bestest friends in the world), to party with, but not TOO hard, 'cause we know how that ends! At this current time, you're probably in the middle (I hope in the middle, please don't procrastinate!!), of writing your dissertation on whatever you have chosen! (I still currently think it should be about white privilege in society, but I won't be mad if you choose something better / easier to research :) ). You've nearly graduated, which is a huge achievement, and you should be extremely proud of yourself for everything you've achieved. You may even have a boyfriend by this time, but don't worry if you don't, boys are overrated ;). As I'm sitting here rn, on my bed, at 8:15pm on a Friday night, in a global pandemic where we have been in lockdown for 15 days (and I / you have been in self isolation for about 29 days), I thought I'd tell you how much I love you. 2020 so far has definitely been a rollercoaster, if you remember, March - now has been the hardest. But you are so worth it. I don't think I know anyone more worth it than you. Don't ever let anyone take you for granted. You are worth so much more than someone just picking you up and using you, but if that does happen, pick yourself up. You've picked yourself up from rock bottom before, you can do it again. With the state of the world at the minute, its easy to crawl back into that part of yourself, who doesn't actually know how much you're actually worth.. (I'm aware I've used 'worth' like 50 times but hey i'm not one with words as we both know). And even though you've done that, for those 29 (and more) days, that doesn't make you weak, or any less what you're worth (again.. I know). The point I'm trying to make is, life is continuously kicking you / us / me down, but you CHOOSE life. Everytime. And that's something to be **** proud of. Like a dandelion through the pavement, I persist. Me and mum have almost finished the fifth season of How To Get Away With ******, (hopefully you've now watched season 6 and figured out what the hell is going on!!!), and I don't think I realised until today how much of a big impact it has had on me. I don't think I've admired anyone more than Annalise Keating. I know she's fictional, but she's incredible. She has made me love myself, which hopefully works out for you because hopefully you are loving yourself more than ever. Things I love so much about you is how kind you are, which I often take as being a pushover, which we can be, but my goodness you have a big heart. And with all that loving and helping everyone else you do, letting them enter your heart, surely there's enough room for one 19 year old who just wants to be happy :). The things I thought I hated about myself / us, are the things that make us, us. The dimples in your cheeks when you smile, and your smile which can be as wide as the Cheshire Cat's when you're laughing. Your eyes which have seen so much, but still can be just as kind when you really look into them, and the creases under them when you smile just proves how much laughing you've done when you're with the right people. The way you are with the kids makes me want to be that girl everyday. I am currently a mess, but aren't some messes beautiful? I'm a work in progress, but I promise you I will work my arse off to make sure that when you receive this, you're as happy as you can be and so loved by yourself. And if you're not? Well, you've survived 100% of your worst days yet. That's 21 years worth. But if you still have your dynamos, can see the kids, have your loving family, a roof over your head, and food on the table, then that's all you need to get through the bad days. There's always sunshine if you look for it, there's always something to laugh or smile about, and there for sure is something beautiful in everyday. You were created with a perfect palette. A palette of intelligence, stubbornness, humour, passion, and beauty and lots more that I'm willing to look into myself to find, for you. I don't know what the future holds, but I will make a future, for you, for me. Love, 19 year old me x

Epilogue

about 2 years later

Dear 19 year old me,

Wow, sometimes I think past me is more wise than current me, but we are the same person so I have that wisdom somewhere ha!...

.
Tklinag nda nehdgca htat w(ho uoy ym pisued owdn now, ni 12st my ni im’ e,e)trtl efil oeclytepml ot ear erya 23. Asw and btes my eayr ilef sowrt of it the. Ym a o,ne ginog me not apthc erwe aetrg ew cdthide ruhgo bridtyha 2ts1 a asw sa ohutghr mso‘nad’y my. I het did i titlle oemc fo twhi lla awy lduow ti nfrseid by pebmetres atth be hte nwko micrgbuln yna nwdo yae,r nda odutn’wl hmet grtoutuohh. I’ve of oyu, okchs hoegun mkea mthig but or,ryw uoy ro ttha eht ton’d su,tep orf htob us cdrei. Athw teseimoms ’entar ,oknw htat dan lal ot they eeplpo uoy wnat msee i. Ettlil l,forseu os ew it ym of aer are eloppe myan that yaer we os fmro spat lstoantync erthe t12s uarodn eht dtid’n rae htat tnhki sealeri renosa uyo just that unilt. I di’tnd tuo ineetlsyn mbecae oerppdd i ey,ra aegdratu also lscdiiau htat dan. Nde i nito eabl …goay bngie dpleips somoeen ubt ti lduwo ym i to tgo nwko ifel rof tno uiohttw nuowndfe tdi’dn hwti i owh a pu ielv nad outhhgr hwo velo. Uro lmectilh. Gendahc ovel letomplcye ni uyo lwoud ym adn gthir hits si hse hmi ielf no em, thta utsj dlor,w evhinyrget ehs’ epsvpcterie. .
Dtaaegdru frtae 21: gutnaidgra a jlyu hiwt my nde ryae erya i pu i 0232 in a e,m nad thhugo s12t ni idd akbc went uni i fof. Dpruo eb uowld yuo os. So opurd i ma. ,on of few off edend fitsr akrms i ym eiotrnsdtais ongcleulisn nahmeecvtei bgein my adn a dan no e,dat up a het to isegbtg was ): rtpeienopc sti’.
.
Uto teh wthi cltil,ehm ts’i ebne adn snciiode btu reev vlinig i best vinomg a edned up ,rdei. Slta mdidel dan was kchos ym dedi edniaoisttsr tlo it of hrgit tgwirni eht ut,rh it agdndra a yera, in a dna. Tshonm ,letert wyayna at hiws lla tbu see imh a i ohe,m mhi og ttha to ellt to rfaet iton tfare adn eh meoc cdulnt’o oludc tisiv rteow noo,wdclk a og cluepo fo oyu ouy adn uoy adh ouy tou i. You eht dba abkc to’nd ash (i ruyo os nserveui ,)will nkwo leef.
.
Wshi rehest dlcou i eltl oyu ihtnsg i thta. Am how ekil fo i dourp yuo. Uyo derkni teral 4 eht moenmt of saeyr i who swa ni to i itsaend swhi. Ma heanlgi i rempsio i yo,u utb. I ,ekil i ptsra nda ,eneb elrfuso vhea i htna su to todn’ fslyme dbrobe oknrgiw eahl we ot hcidl vree hseot ehla was rou to taht wnadir of nirne nrdiek rfmo no am ngbei ma lysmef. Orhrbet thdbyira a am nwiirgt mognip i newehps oigng uonfd etillt di’ as tihs bit a i’m well hrigt ylenrctur 4 nad hdeepl adn oyur on 3th1 dna we tn’rea cuseeab sa aveh snewhpe uor tou tl!!e,)ret csneie ye(s ntshgi o,nw faert we. Tath i is oshetnimg on kinwgor ubt am. We stih os noeymra nikwgor i oenadsuibr htur on d’ton am elfe that. It of us, nto xnocsttapeei to eyth tsolpyensbiiir wthi to rae ruo epeplso orus lhod dela tno is rheot. Nad a of i okwn ’eruyo ndhigol tath lto. Odnw ’mi nihtsg oehts ltngiel ot ykoa s’ti you put. Pelpoe olev ist’ uoy tpdioinsap to yoka. I,efl uorys nto trihe is’t i’st easbcue. Waht cictpaya ouy ot etll gliivn yruo you eon oshdul teh be nda esel efil sha ton eeacsub e’hteyr no uoh’tdlns odign. Ear yoru cssaseocire aer sewssiten to whta ’yrueo htye tath noigd ot lla eryaitl. Ntinhgo rtestam em. Owlud it eneivsur ahev eedanhp,p shodlve’u uyor ka,cb it vhea ilwl if the. (ptara ayn it tiuthwo limchlet uyfll adem fmor piosmre that neah’tv sedicsion nda ikgtinhn i uyo i hhtruog tsrif. . Fthgi acn e)vo?l cusea hwo. Resifnd reetlt of egibn not tyerfxeahidp ihtw lal tou owkn asnomdy siht su eth i ol’ylu on of eb. Nhgtsi orecf lief btu ouy hits ncat’ in. Yrt’ehe ogod ,su thoer dotn’ it ont not onkw yeth reew aech oogd yteh for utb for. Os chum era you umhc nigve adn frdiiehnsp epty hwtor ewre ebtter eomr eht adn dan ouy uyo are leov ahtw atnh cvreedei os fo. Edn gnieb tu,o to whne an acesbue then but it e)m tuhwiot cut tkacat to ot dne it fdhneisrpi ghistn omec hh(cwi yas ot embadl edlolwa su hte akwdarw i an ehty no ylornisatpe aer too uory leolodfw hwta hte yteh si ndmsayo, uocdl and hcseo uro hswi i saw etorh. Of dan ouy aoutb twrho are ssinneast iingkhnt ey’htve eoryu’ bucesea eht lal uyo slto is tardtee hte hwotr enno eoeplp when yevo’u tbu oldw,r era wtih lkie ton. Fo the nad syad ym bgeni ot nedps rwhoty etnnid ni su y,ou i urtfue ,esylmf.
.
Im’ ,rrsyo.
,em lseepa ofgevir.
You, tnahk.
Ouy velo i.
.
Velo,.
Me dol 32 x raey.

This user has written an update to this letter.To see what they wrote, please

Press ← and → on your keyboard to move between letters

Write new comment

Load more comments