A letter from April 10th, 2020

Peaceful right?

Dear FutureMe, If I'm right, (which I am ofc), today is your 21st birthday. Happy birthday E <3 Who'd have thought we'd get here?? I hope you are getting spoiled, by yourself, and remembering that not all birthdays are terrible :). I hope you still have your dynamos (you better, 'cause they're the bestest friends in the world), to party with, but not TOO hard, 'cause we know how that ends! At this current time, you're probably in the middle (I hope in the middle, please don't procrastinate!!), of writing your dissertation on whatever you have chosen! (I still currently think it should be about white privilege in society, but I won't be mad if you choose something better / easier to research :) ). You've nearly graduated, which is a huge achievement, and you should be extremely proud of yourself for everything you've achieved. You may even have a boyfriend by this time, but don't worry if you don't, boys are overrated ;). As I'm sitting here rn, on my bed, at 8:15pm on a Friday night, in a global pandemic where we have been in lockdown for 15 days (and I / you have been in self isolation for about 29 days), I thought I'd tell you how much I love you. 2020 so far has definitely been a rollercoaster, if you remember, March - now has been the hardest. But you are so worth it. I don't think I know anyone more worth it than you. Don't ever let anyone take you for granted. You are worth so much more than someone just picking you up and using you, but if that does happen, pick yourself up. You've picked yourself up from rock bottom before, you can do it again. With the state of the world at the minute, its easy to crawl back into that part of yourself, who doesn't actually know how much you're actually worth.. (I'm aware I've used 'worth' like 50 times but hey i'm not one with words as we both know). And even though you've done that, for those 29 (and more) days, that doesn't make you weak, or any less what you're worth (again.. I know). The point I'm trying to make is, life is continuously kicking you / us / me down, but you CHOOSE life. Everytime. And that's something to be **** proud of. Like a dandelion through the pavement, I persist. Me and mum have almost finished the fifth season of How To Get Away With ******, (hopefully you've now watched season 6 and figured out what the hell is going on!!!), and I don't think I realised until today how much of a big impact it has had on me. I don't think I've admired anyone more than Annalise Keating. I know she's fictional, but she's incredible. She has made me love myself, which hopefully works out for you because hopefully you are loving yourself more than ever. Things I love so much about you is how kind you are, which I often take as being a pushover, which we can be, but my goodness you have a big heart. And with all that loving and helping everyone else you do, letting them enter your heart, surely there's enough room for one 19 year old who just wants to be happy :). The things I thought I hated about myself / us, are the things that make us, us. The dimples in your cheeks when you smile, and your smile which can be as wide as the Cheshire Cat's when you're laughing. Your eyes which have seen so much, but still can be just as kind when you really look into them, and the creases under them when you smile just proves how much laughing you've done when you're with the right people. The way you are with the kids makes me want to be that girl everyday. I am currently a mess, but aren't some messes beautiful? I'm a work in progress, but I promise you I will work my arse off to make sure that when you receive this, you're as happy as you can be and so loved by yourself. And if you're not? Well, you've survived 100% of your worst days yet. That's 21 years worth. But if you still have your dynamos, can see the kids, have your loving family, a roof over your head, and food on the table, then that's all you need to get through the bad days. There's always sunshine if you look for it, there's always something to laugh or smile about, and there for sure is something beautiful in everyday. You were created with a perfect palette. A palette of intelligence, stubbornness, humour, passion, and beauty and lots more that I'm willing to look into myself to find, for you. I don't know what the future holds, but I will make a future, for you, for me. Love, 19 year old me x

Epilogue

about 2 years later

Dear 19 year old me,

Wow, sometimes I think past me is more wise than current me, but we are the same person so I have that wisdom somewhere ha!...

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Donw yelptmeloc my ni puseid nda raye 32 my ot hw(o hcgaden trtel,)e atth in rea mi’ wno, lgtikan yuo lfei s12t. Aery fo was ti dan hte my trows stbe life. Great gourh we onggi a 21st ,neo otn hctap as me erew d‘y’moasn trhoguh rihdabyt ym hitdced was ym a. Brculmngi owkn eseebpmtr r,aey hwit by nad htat coem lla ywa nya ti fo hemt rsnefid did dwnutol’ ndwo hte i ohgurhuott hte udlow i be letlit. P,utse ondt’ eoghun hocks ro of ciedr thgim ei’v yuo htta uoy, hbto for r,rywo ekam su eht but. Uyo esem atwn wokn, what i all dna htye to tmmseeois tn’ear atht leeppo. Tath aerslei rae yuo aery ew roesan the ym oepple odanru htta ear s12t fo we fmro satp hktin myna terhe ttille ear of,sluer atht so ti stuj ’ntddi lntui nnayscottl so. Odeppdr rea,y selnytien aols i i sluadiic tuo treaaudg nad tdidn’ that cebema. In’ddt twhiuot isdpelp it ym labe i htgruoh den to ilfe lvei nooseem adn a ont nbgei i owh i otin who ounfdenw wdolu voel otg a…ygo htiw wokn ofr up tbu. Our cehlimtl. Yirtegvhne veol no ni seh tsih wludo him cepmelyolt is ym m,e dna dowl,r decanhg efil scerpepviet uyo eh’s htta rihtg jtus. .
End i thugho i ,me ffo a did back 12: niu arddutaeg s2t1 eyar ni ym ewtn hwit yaer a dan i 3220 up igtgnuadar yjlu ni ferat. Oudlw puord be os oyu. Os ma i rudop. Nda ot prtciepneo onscllunige fsrti dedne :) ,daet het fwe gestbig my i a no ffo was a nad neicavheemt up ym n,o of enbig sit’ rdaientoitss msakr.
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A ,eird itwh het btu tou i idnieocs tlmc,ihle pu bset rvee s’it giovmn dneed givinl dna eben. Deid snsiodttreai dideml wtiingr it tihgr it yer,a hte nad a danragd in lsta a ,ruht dna olt fo was hoskc my. Iitvs i etertl, of a ,meho lla hnsmot tou taht lcoepu llet i ouy imh ta efart mceo otni go yuo wynyaa rweto etrfa dcuol oyu ol,nokwdc ubt imh adh t’lnoucd ot a ees dna he dan go oyu hiws to. Yuo ruyo ckab i( kwno ),wlil fele os eht revseinu dt’no dba sah.
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Nthigs ihsw tsreeh uyo llte could i ttah i. Updro of i am kiel ohw yuo. I who uyo i eatlr the ot serya hsiw 4 of ntmemo wsa in krined asetdin. Yu,o tub ma aienghl psmeori i i. We nad atht elha ngoirwk su ma ke,li ernin rvee rou mylesf to on msfley elursfo neeb, strap bdeobr n’otd ot andwir ehav i am i egibn to asw fo estho i anth endrik ehla ldhic mrfo. Ew nad otu wtrigin ’di i enhpswe as lelw no hsepnwe ,te!!l)ret sa ey(s ew orbehtr 4 oudnf a tryidhab isth a and tetlil adn am bit eafrt ggnoi mi’ ruoy eeisnc lpdeeh uro gmonip ueceasb irtgh no,w na’ret luterrycn th13 ihgtsn heav. Iwkorgn i ttha is ma ohntmsige btu on. Am we htsi fele urth i draonesbui d’ont no taht nmayore irwokgn so. Eyht ours si isitsopielrnyb to of to hdol leeppos thwi u,s noxttepsaice our rea not leda ti ton oreht. Htat uyeor’ i a of nkwo nad olt ogdlhni. Ti’s lnlgtei i’m ayok yuo upt nstihg ot onwd tehso. Opepel t’is elvo oyu oayk iitpsdopan ot. Trhei ist’ i’st ont uoyrs f,ile esceuba. Oyu ton uyo tacpciay esueabc ryou to and waht teh gdnio elfi sulohd hsa esle be odh’tunsl no one tlle eyreht’ glnivi. Sicaorscese ruyo are ensistews hawt aer diong all thta euroy’ to eriylta ot eyht. Oighntn tsamtre em. Ahev vaeh serueivn your fi hldvsu’eo a,bck it lwli a,dhepepn teh it odwlu. Romf adn nvheta’ parta( thhurog it lyful spoerim ftris i ahtt i you disoiecsn thowuit inkthgni edma nya lmltechi. . Can leo)?v cueas tighf how. Yul’ol no fatpdiyxheer enbgi of iwth be out of teh thsi all i dnreifs su okwn erltte doyasmn ton. Tbu htsi oyu ocfre cnta’ lefi ni htsnig. Nto su, orhet but t’odn rwee aceh for ee’trhy ti ont ofr etyh ogod ehyt ogdo wnko. Rae hcum dan oevl gnvei nad fo mroe eypt aer so eerw yuo riecvede umhc so adn treteb hrotw oyu tahn indfipshre hawt uyo teh. Ngeib aer uoyr akttac sao,ynmd coldu wsa na tbu aowledl chose nad uo,t hwta su wlfdoleo i pedirnifhs teyh eht mceo no pneioyrsalt m)e na asy enwh ihcwh( ti i to swih den hety ctu oto mdalbe awdawkr uor ceuebas si ti snghti het ot ot heort den tehn hwoutit ot. But orwht itwh nda retatde eabescu taobu ’uyreo rae the gntnihik eelpop are uyo v’yeuo fo ont is sassniten d,owrl keil lal hrtow ltso uoy eth e’hvyte wnhe nnoe. I ot ms,lfey endnti ni us you, ohtrwy the uurfte egbni nad my spnde of dsay.
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Sro,yr i’m.
Peesla vgefiro em,.
Uy,o nhkta.
Uyo i vloe.
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Ev,lo.
Eary old me x 23.

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