A letter from April 10th, 2020

Peaceful right?

Dear FutureMe, If I'm right, (which I am ofc), today is your 21st birthday. Happy birthday E <3 Who'd have thought we'd get here?? I hope you are getting spoiled, by yourself, and remembering that not all birthdays are terrible :). I hope you still have your dynamos (you better, 'cause they're the bestest friends in the world), to party with, but not TOO hard, 'cause we know how that ends! At this current time, you're probably in the middle (I hope in the middle, please don't procrastinate!!), of writing your dissertation on whatever you have chosen! (I still currently think it should be about white privilege in society, but I won't be mad if you choose something better / easier to research :) ). You've nearly graduated, which is a huge achievement, and you should be extremely proud of yourself for everything you've achieved. You may even have a boyfriend by this time, but don't worry if you don't, boys are overrated ;). As I'm sitting here rn, on my bed, at 8:15pm on a Friday night, in a global pandemic where we have been in lockdown for 15 days (and I / you have been in self isolation for about 29 days), I thought I'd tell you how much I love you. 2020 so far has definitely been a rollercoaster, if you remember, March - now has been the hardest. But you are so worth it. I don't think I know anyone more worth it than you. Don't ever let anyone take you for granted. You are worth so much more than someone just picking you up and using you, but if that does happen, pick yourself up. You've picked yourself up from rock bottom before, you can do it again. With the state of the world at the minute, its easy to crawl back into that part of yourself, who doesn't actually know how much you're actually worth.. (I'm aware I've used 'worth' like 50 times but hey i'm not one with words as we both know). And even though you've done that, for those 29 (and more) days, that doesn't make you weak, or any less what you're worth (again.. I know). The point I'm trying to make is, life is continuously kicking you / us / me down, but you CHOOSE life. Everytime. And that's something to be **** proud of. Like a dandelion through the pavement, I persist. Me and mum have almost finished the fifth season of How To Get Away With ******, (hopefully you've now watched season 6 and figured out what the hell is going on!!!), and I don't think I realised until today how much of a big impact it has had on me. I don't think I've admired anyone more than Annalise Keating. I know she's fictional, but she's incredible. She has made me love myself, which hopefully works out for you because hopefully you are loving yourself more than ever. Things I love so much about you is how kind you are, which I often take as being a pushover, which we can be, but my goodness you have a big heart. And with all that loving and helping everyone else you do, letting them enter your heart, surely there's enough room for one 19 year old who just wants to be happy :). The things I thought I hated about myself / us, are the things that make us, us. The dimples in your cheeks when you smile, and your smile which can be as wide as the Cheshire Cat's when you're laughing. Your eyes which have seen so much, but still can be just as kind when you really look into them, and the creases under them when you smile just proves how much laughing you've done when you're with the right people. The way you are with the kids makes me want to be that girl everyday. I am currently a mess, but aren't some messes beautiful? I'm a work in progress, but I promise you I will work my arse off to make sure that when you receive this, you're as happy as you can be and so loved by yourself. And if you're not? Well, you've survived 100% of your worst days yet. That's 21 years worth. But if you still have your dynamos, can see the kids, have your loving family, a roof over your head, and food on the table, then that's all you need to get through the bad days. There's always sunshine if you look for it, there's always something to laugh or smile about, and there for sure is something beautiful in everyday. You were created with a perfect palette. A palette of intelligence, stubbornness, humour, passion, and beauty and lots more that I'm willing to look into myself to find, for you. I don't know what the future holds, but I will make a future, for you, for me. Love, 19 year old me x

Epilogue

about 2 years later

Dear 19 year old me,

Wow, sometimes I think past me is more wise than current me, but we are the same person so I have that wisdom somewhere ha!...

.
Uoy aeyr rea t)eerl,t 23 eoylmpeclt to gaklitn i’m ym dan ym ,own atht oh(w gadhecn 1st2 edipus wodn ni in ilfe. It reya fo sotwr het setb dan my wsa leif. Tidehcd hrgou sa mo‘n’dasy ym a ertga a erwe swa grohhut iggno ont eon, ew my em chpta hrtbydai t12s. Iersndf ti wokn het did hwit and i ethm oudn’wlt tlielt by i uwdlo lal the e,ayr ghrhootutu yaw bmsreteep emco eb yan that wndo of niurlmbcg. Fro hbto v’ei utb owry,r of d’ton mitgh shcko uoy, tpseu, cider ouy aemk us the or eghonu ahtt. To heyt kon,w adn that temmsieso lal seem r’aten i antw uoy opeple athw. Ti tlitle rieales rhete ujst ym rfom oyu ltctsnaoyn os adnuro taht ew we spta so atth rea anym tunli of aer era ttha elppeo roanes het nt’idd rfosleu, ryea itnkh t21s. R,eay i didnt’ nnyitlese ttah otu atdurgea nda emaecb reoddpp sola i cusialid. Wkon hwo rof ldouw o…agy inot oelv nde urhohgt nbige ti wnefndou i i tiwuhot otn leba iddtn’ tub sipldpe gto a hwo up nad ithw ot ooesmne my evli i ifel. Lmhliect uor. Ni imh no is sjut sepvreictep flei yuo ehs ym tsih wlodu olev h’se cnhegda nda peemyltcol igthr ithrgvenye htta ,em ,rldow. .
A 21: 2320 pu efrta dna niradautgg den tenw nui hwti my kbac i raey in ddi ffo a 21st guadrtaed uhtgoh luyj ayer ni ,me i i. Be so wdoul uyo uorpd. Os drpou ma i. Sti’ aws fitrs nad i ,on ym igbne ): on adn eeaetcmhvni eclnguislno to ewf ended my up kmrsa ecnppiotre tgbisge fof a a destarnotsii fo the edta,.
.
Ri,ed otu vree edned eebn tis’ up ivglin but i adn iosciedn eh,lctmli hwti bste ivmgno the a. Lsat aws tlo fo in addnrga a u,hrt era,y gitirnw it edid dna dnresiitosat shkco gtrhi it dleimd ym hte adn a. Mcoe hmtons mhe,o he etorw go ivtis nad of ywayna him ubt to go yuo dan aetfr pcloeu tn’uolcd uyo i ldcuo i him you ees lla a sihw to nwcldok,o uot yuo eeltrt, a ltle aftre toni dha at atht. Abd lefe cbka eht os ahs kown ouy (i yrou iresuvne ndo’t )w,lil.
.
Uyo lcuod htta tell ishw retshe i tsgihn i. Ouy i updro fo who ikle ma. I yuo ni leatr rkdein ntemom whsi ot i yaser disetna 4 wsa hte how fo. I prsemoi btu am laigneh ou,y i. Lchid atht we hlae ma smyfel inrogkw su eahv ma ot than ot idrnaw kiednr our to and i i elki, rebbdo steho no hlea n’otd be,ne fo nerin tpsar rmfo i lmsfey rlsufoe benig erve aws. As 4 nad yhrbiatd ehva nad pgmnoi uot ,nwo 3ht1 a ew ltietl i’d we cseeuab rou psewneh llwe nescie no im’ phweens nda i entcrulyr dfoun ehledp es(y bti a ghrit ma sa herbtor sthi rgnwtii eter!,)l!t snhgti terfa ngogi ’nraet yrou. Tbu on is am i enigsothm ttah wgirnko. On’dt taht bseiadrnuo no fele thur woirkgn htsi i am onryame so we. U,s ot hitw siesnrptobiyil ohetr esetoitncxap to rou it srou tno psopeel fo ear si ton edla ldoh teyh. I oknw oghlind and lot tath a fo oreyu’. To hsoet hgistn i’m its’ okya ptu wodn ilentgl you. Oeppel ndiitspapo sit’ ovel ot uyo akyo. Irhet ton roysu l,ief ti’s bcesaue ’tis. Eht yrte’he sele niodg uoy lelt awth fiel nad suacbee odhlsu not noe be ot rouy no uhntod’sl uoy viilgn sha ypactcia. Royu lal eylarti rea goind esnesitsw u’yreo ear ahtw to atth yteh ececssiasor ot. Em ngihton msttrae. Evah fi hte odsvlhu’e dwulo lwil it pae,endph aehv akb,c evireuns ryou ti. I i utiohtw atpa(r uyo vtae’nh poseimr iidocenss ylflu adn srfti tgikhinn htta it citlemhl mead mofr thhogru ayn. . V)lo?e hfitg eacsu cna owh. Ulyl’o us whti lal reeltt fo eth tno wnko eb nfdseri gbien uot i etdiaefpxrhy of htsi on nmayods. You ni tbu stih ntca’ ofrec isnhgt ilfe. Su, ogod ton rof odnt’ ti eyth nto hyrete’ othre reew rfo aceh yteh tub dogo ownk. So so type breett hucm teh dna whta yuo nda aer iredecev uchm and fhirpdseni rewe rae rtwho ouy lvoe you omer htan of niegv. Hceos shwi wotuiht was eacbeus su aer yas nde d,nyoams esdrihnfip eth tyhe on waht flledowo oto ot uor it ot si o,tu to btu na dna sihtgn i aakctt etyh ctu to loawdle oyru reoht igbne lmdaeb i oucdl c(hwih tnoilpearsy dne ti nhwe em) dkwaarw eth tnhe na meoc. Eovu’y wtih are ewhn vtye’eh etradte oyu eilk ,drwlo hte is lpeepo neon fo htrwo oslt lal rwhot siasntsne uey’or yuo rea aecsueb tno the utb ihknnitg uatob dna. My utreuf nad het us dsnep i ebnig fe,syml uyo, in idntne of dyas ot yowtrh.
.
M’i ,rsroy.
Rofivge m,e seaepl.
Akhtn yu,o.
You i lveo.
.
Lev,o.
Old x 23 em raey.

This user has written an update to this letter.To see what they wrote, please

Press ← and → on your keyboard to move between letters

Write new comment

Load more comments