A letter from April 10th, 2020

Peaceful right?

Dear FutureMe, If I'm right, (which I am ofc), today is your 21st birthday. Happy birthday E <3 Who'd have thought we'd get here?? I hope you are getting spoiled, by yourself, and remembering that not all birthdays are terrible :). I hope you still have your dynamos (you better, 'cause they're the bestest friends in the world), to party with, but not TOO hard, 'cause we know how that ends! At this current time, you're probably in the middle (I hope in the middle, please don't procrastinate!!), of writing your dissertation on whatever you have chosen! (I still currently think it should be about white privilege in society, but I won't be mad if you choose something better / easier to research :) ). You've nearly graduated, which is a huge achievement, and you should be extremely proud of yourself for everything you've achieved. You may even have a boyfriend by this time, but don't worry if you don't, boys are overrated ;). As I'm sitting here rn, on my bed, at 8:15pm on a Friday night, in a global pandemic where we have been in lockdown for 15 days (and I / you have been in self isolation for about 29 days), I thought I'd tell you how much I love you. 2020 so far has definitely been a rollercoaster, if you remember, March - now has been the hardest. But you are so worth it. I don't think I know anyone more worth it than you. Don't ever let anyone take you for granted. You are worth so much more than someone just picking you up and using you, but if that does happen, pick yourself up. You've picked yourself up from rock bottom before, you can do it again. With the state of the world at the minute, its easy to crawl back into that part of yourself, who doesn't actually know how much you're actually worth.. (I'm aware I've used 'worth' like 50 times but hey i'm not one with words as we both know). And even though you've done that, for those 29 (and more) days, that doesn't make you weak, or any less what you're worth (again.. I know). The point I'm trying to make is, life is continuously kicking you / us / me down, but you CHOOSE life. Everytime. And that's something to be **** proud of. Like a dandelion through the pavement, I persist. Me and mum have almost finished the fifth season of How To Get Away With ******, (hopefully you've now watched season 6 and figured out what the hell is going on!!!), and I don't think I realised until today how much of a big impact it has had on me. I don't think I've admired anyone more than Annalise Keating. I know she's fictional, but she's incredible. She has made me love myself, which hopefully works out for you because hopefully you are loving yourself more than ever. Things I love so much about you is how kind you are, which I often take as being a pushover, which we can be, but my goodness you have a big heart. And with all that loving and helping everyone else you do, letting them enter your heart, surely there's enough room for one 19 year old who just wants to be happy :). The things I thought I hated about myself / us, are the things that make us, us. The dimples in your cheeks when you smile, and your smile which can be as wide as the Cheshire Cat's when you're laughing. Your eyes which have seen so much, but still can be just as kind when you really look into them, and the creases under them when you smile just proves how much laughing you've done when you're with the right people. The way you are with the kids makes me want to be that girl everyday. I am currently a mess, but aren't some messes beautiful? I'm a work in progress, but I promise you I will work my arse off to make sure that when you receive this, you're as happy as you can be and so loved by yourself. And if you're not? Well, you've survived 100% of your worst days yet. That's 21 years worth. But if you still have your dynamos, can see the kids, have your loving family, a roof over your head, and food on the table, then that's all you need to get through the bad days. There's always sunshine if you look for it, there's always something to laugh or smile about, and there for sure is something beautiful in everyday. You were created with a perfect palette. A palette of intelligence, stubbornness, humour, passion, and beauty and lots more that I'm willing to look into myself to find, for you. I don't know what the future holds, but I will make a future, for you, for me. Love, 19 year old me x

Epilogue

about 2 years later

Dear 19 year old me,

Wow, sometimes I think past me is more wise than current me, but we are the same person so I have that wisdom somewhere ha!...

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Eilf my 21st you dan lgtikan mcpyeeollt ,wno wdno hatt ni ym woh( ni raye l,ter)te ot dpusei ’mi gcndeah 32 are. Saw adn my esbt it lefi of wstro hte aeyr. Aertg hogur tno ym ihytrbda as ew ctpha my tdcihde saw reew a me ngogi s12t one, a ouhrhgt ‘amdoyn’s. Tleitl eb ti nidrsef rya,e did that yb i tpemreesb umrnbgicl yna cmeo kwno all twhi fo dan oudnw’tl awy eth i ttuhruogoh udlow tmeh nodw eth. Het ie’v of orf uyo uohneg up,tse edirc htmgi htbo ochks uo,y amke ,rwroy but thta ro dont’ su. Htaw eppole wnk,o all atwn dan tath yuo ot iesemstmo i yhte mees ren’ta. Ym nyma ouy eth ehtre usjt nncaytltos htat ryae os sareiel we ttah sfroule, aer are s2t1 aosern mfor ti tniul duaron rae ihtnk os thta spat we fo eppole ’nidtd iletlt. Iuscilda i operpdd nad aeyr, i tuo soal hatt ntid’d emceba elnnesiyt etgaudar. To ddtin’ ihtw ovle i feudonnw wnko owh evil ihttuwo begin leif how tino tbu i louwd nto nda it a gto snemeoo for elpdpsi rhuhogt my pu i ayg…o bael dne. Uor clithlme. E,m no yuo ihts thta she rtigh hegcnda mhi in treieygvnh llcepeomyt sujt wdolu se’h si dan leif pvepeceirst d,rowl vleo my. .
End abck 1t2s a i udtragade 2:1 2023 i pu nad etnw arey iun my off luyj ihwt m,e a in arudggnita rtaef in uohtgh yrae did i. You os uoprd ludwo eb. Ma dupor i so. A ffo ): ot tsirf wef i ipontrecpe chevteeinam nda rsitieonastd a tae,d lgennoulsic ts’i no, fo akrsm het dneed no gtiebsg ibnge ym dan ym aws up.
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Nad insidcoe erve rde,i is’t ebne ddeen ihwt btu i etsb eth cemhll,ti up uto novmgi a iglnvi. It a otl het tlas gtirwin thr,u gadarnd kcosh reistsionadt my a eddi aey,r it ighrt in lmiedd dna asw fo and. Oyu leret,t out i puelco aftre uoy ot ot ta e,mho iistv hsnotm nkowcl,od hda adn i dan etraf lucod ellt og of him sihw ees you a eh ubt yuo lla ttha og tion twroe ntcoul’d cemo anwayy a imh. Ash teh flee liw),l os esrevuni uyor adb uyo (i ownk ’ntod bkac.
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I tinsgh eltl atth oculd i siwh eesrth ouy. Uyo owh ma i puord of lkie. Uyo ni swa mmneto aletr hte taiedsn i 4 dirkne of ysrae how iswh i ot. I ieagnhl ma tub smrpeio ou,y i. Ornwikg enirn to i of ke,li on and ew td’on su rdbboe ma reev lhae feymls drkine nwdari to ahtt orfm asptr am saw htoes rlsuefo i have hldci ruo to alhe ymsefl nhat i binge n,ebe. Earft swhnpee rihgt bti gnsthi t31h espenwh ,!)!rttele ytbirhda (esy sa giogn hvea uonfd sa this besaceu ruo on 4 ew i ,now liettl lwle ignomp adn ’etarn we dan edphel a wtnrgii ’mi brherto uoyr dan am i’d a uot eicnes urenltcyr. Si on hatt ghiomenst i wnirkog am utb. Ew i efel am on yrenamo shit truh ronebuadsi kiwngor todn’ os htat. U,s ldho uros ot whti rae ti fo rhtoe etintsecaxop ruo ot lade inirepstoblsyi otn ont is eyth pploees. Of goilnhd i nowk htat a lot nda ueryo’. Gtsnhi oyu sit’ yoak wdno tseho upt eilltgn to im’. Olpeep evlo ot tiaopsdpni uyo yoak ’sit. St’i abesceu erith ,ielf ont ’tsi suyor. Ngiivl sah hdluso uoy tlel uceebsa ryuo no accaytpi ognid ont eth ahwt noe teyh’er you sele be ’hlsodntu eilf dna ot. Heyt aer rae esweinsts yuor to idong oreyu’ ahtt tyareil ot lla reasossciec wtha. Nigonht me trseamt. Ulodw eht ivrsenue cbak, heav vhea it ti eoshld’vu fi wlil ruyo ahnp,edpe. Lelthcim oipersm ahtt nad i stirf htgnikni ti tvhae’n dmea llfyu ncsdieois huhtgro rfom oyu tiutowh i yna a(rtpa. . Ithfg owh nac csuae ?ove)l. Htwi all knwo i dfaheyitrpxe tshi no otn sdfnier fo eht uot etterl ’oully dsaoynm bnegi su eb fo. Ni ouy htgins ecfor ilfe atcn’ ubt htsi. Caeh it htye ont yherte’ godo rfo good ton ,su yteh d’not ewre nwko for ubt hrote. So uchm are dan thna so rewe era hsrdpiifne edrvieec ienvg teh chmu ytpe dna yuo whrot hwta etetbr dan yuo lvoe fo uyo roem. Uro ti ot ucaeebs hwih(c enhw ledolfwo cut hrtoe eshco su lbadem oury eth yas an edn ot the ot wish hawt odluc htne spelytairno oto utb ignbe ghtsin to i si teyh kacatt dna it an lloeadw den tyhe no wdwkaar swa idhpnerfis i oecm )em ,synodma out, rea iutwtoh. Nad enno twih bouta htkngiin era epepol h’eveyt not ilek ’roeuy fo atdtere uyo ’uovye is all rthwo olts rowl,d senistsna eueabsc the aer teh utb ouy wothr hwen. Nad ngibe i ,emyfsl dntien fetruu dyas fo ouy, het in ym su whtoyr to esnpd.
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’im syor,r.
Iergofv aselep ,em.
Oyu, athnk.
Yuo i vleo.
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Olve,.
Lod x 32 eyar em.

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