A letter from April 10th, 2020

Peaceful right?

Dear FutureMe, If I'm right, (which I am ofc), today is your 21st birthday. Happy birthday E <3 Who'd have thought we'd get here?? I hope you are getting spoiled, by yourself, and remembering that not all birthdays are terrible :). I hope you still have your dynamos (you better, 'cause they're the bestest friends in the world), to party with, but not TOO hard, 'cause we know how that ends! At this current time, you're probably in the middle (I hope in the middle, please don't procrastinate!!), of writing your dissertation on whatever you have chosen! (I still currently think it should be about white privilege in society, but I won't be mad if you choose something better / easier to research :) ). You've nearly graduated, which is a huge achievement, and you should be extremely proud of yourself for everything you've achieved. You may even have a boyfriend by this time, but don't worry if you don't, boys are overrated ;). As I'm sitting here rn, on my bed, at 8:15pm on a Friday night, in a global pandemic where we have been in lockdown for 15 days (and I / you have been in self isolation for about 29 days), I thought I'd tell you how much I love you. 2020 so far has definitely been a rollercoaster, if you remember, March - now has been the hardest. But you are so worth it. I don't think I know anyone more worth it than you. Don't ever let anyone take you for granted. You are worth so much more than someone just picking you up and using you, but if that does happen, pick yourself up. You've picked yourself up from rock bottom before, you can do it again. With the state of the world at the minute, its easy to crawl back into that part of yourself, who doesn't actually know how much you're actually worth.. (I'm aware I've used 'worth' like 50 times but hey i'm not one with words as we both know). And even though you've done that, for those 29 (and more) days, that doesn't make you weak, or any less what you're worth (again.. I know). The point I'm trying to make is, life is continuously kicking you / us / me down, but you CHOOSE life. Everytime. And that's something to be **** proud of. Like a dandelion through the pavement, I persist. Me and mum have almost finished the fifth season of How To Get Away With ******, (hopefully you've now watched season 6 and figured out what the hell is going on!!!), and I don't think I realised until today how much of a big impact it has had on me. I don't think I've admired anyone more than Annalise Keating. I know she's fictional, but she's incredible. She has made me love myself, which hopefully works out for you because hopefully you are loving yourself more than ever. Things I love so much about you is how kind you are, which I often take as being a pushover, which we can be, but my goodness you have a big heart. And with all that loving and helping everyone else you do, letting them enter your heart, surely there's enough room for one 19 year old who just wants to be happy :). The things I thought I hated about myself / us, are the things that make us, us. The dimples in your cheeks when you smile, and your smile which can be as wide as the Cheshire Cat's when you're laughing. Your eyes which have seen so much, but still can be just as kind when you really look into them, and the creases under them when you smile just proves how much laughing you've done when you're with the right people. The way you are with the kids makes me want to be that girl everyday. I am currently a mess, but aren't some messes beautiful? I'm a work in progress, but I promise you I will work my arse off to make sure that when you receive this, you're as happy as you can be and so loved by yourself. And if you're not? Well, you've survived 100% of your worst days yet. That's 21 years worth. But if you still have your dynamos, can see the kids, have your loving family, a roof over your head, and food on the table, then that's all you need to get through the bad days. There's always sunshine if you look for it, there's always something to laugh or smile about, and there for sure is something beautiful in everyday. You were created with a perfect palette. A palette of intelligence, stubbornness, humour, passion, and beauty and lots more that I'm willing to look into myself to find, for you. I don't know what the future holds, but I will make a future, for you, for me. Love, 19 year old me x

Epilogue

about 2 years later

Dear 19 year old me,

Wow, sometimes I think past me is more wise than current me, but we are the same person so I have that wisdom somewhere ha!...

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To ryae ohw( in yltmepcleo ikantgl ym rae ree)ltt, ,onw htta neahcgd dna 2st1 im’ ym ilfe in uoy 23 donw spdeiu. Nda flie wrsot ryae of ti teh ym wsa tebs. A ‘’yasmodn niogg n,oe hugro 2s1t we ym as reew a atiydhbr wsa didhcte ctahp tno my ergat me uhotghr. Yna neidfrs ’dtlowun lal mpebertes ttleil be dna ddi ocem ihtw htat hte ouwdl tgouhhturo fo ery,a i tmeh i kown dnow awy yb teh cgmunilbr it. For or keam eu,tps hcosk uy,o btu teh obth yror,w htat nueohg ouy riedc su dnto’ evi’ fo htigm. I what all yeht nad oyu toeemimss kw,on tra’ne atwn ot eppole msee ttah. Ym het seaorn ,lursfeo os era astp tuinl ahtt reya os utsj we rmfo taht ew teltil htta many st21 ouy reteh uroand leoppe ti hntik ear dit’nd rliesae of rea ttnysonlac. Aildusic taurgeda ndti’d i dna hatt otu i pdoedrp stenyinel also maeceb ay,er. Elif i inot leov esemoon gebin hitw aoyg… iddt’n tothwiu a den my liseppd hwo ielv for otn to how wnok ti htuorgh pu adn tgo i i lwoud unodfwen beal but. Mehclilt oru. Elov ’esh mhi ghcdane flei nad on irght seh si ni nhtreegvyi yuo competlyle sujt ulowd my ,me ihts that pscevieretp ,dlwro. .
2023 i rdeagtaud ftear 1:2 july a gouhht ffo edn ni i dan 12st idd up inu wnet m,e kbac reya i tihw reya ni a dnatiggrau my. So be yuo dluow roudp. Am urdop so i. Wfe elicogsnnlu ingeb ,daet needd a ot itnmeevhcae asw ’tis :) dna ym sstiroiteadn fo ffo i gsgibte dna up my n,o ripetpnoec kmras on hte trsif a.
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Icdiesno ngiliv het cihlt,elm nad e,dir ebts ’sti pu vere mvoign btu deend uto a nbee twhi i. Ettnrioadsis ardgdna lot didelm hitrg eht ti wgitirn a ea,ry nad a rhut, lsat and ti fo ym ni was ddei khsoc. Roewt ot hmi dcluo isitv a nda adh uoy go toni uyo on’dctlu i swhi lla hatt ohe,m ,ertlte i otu see omhnst rtaef eomc tfare ellt og to nad you at hmi a you yynaaw fo plecuo he l,koowcnd ubt. ,l)ilw ahs nwok fele oyu ryou os ’tnod kbac ernsvieu i( eht abd.
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Oyu i etll higstn erhets swih i htat udocl. Uordp ohw of am i kiel uoy. To idtesna kiernd hswi uoy atlre i fo ni yreas how het mtoemn 4 i aws. Igaheln ma ,oyu i btu eormisp i. Idnrek of on widnra evre tath ’odnt i ot edbbro wokgrin prats ot esflym renni laeh nad lsuoefr to sylmef bee,n was heva sehot alhe eik,l su dhcil oru ew ma ma i mfro i hant nbeig. Ma snhpewe nrctrluey wlel dna gingo 4 etarf nwehspe im’ we and ne’rta sa ibt uoyr ahtirdyb se(y trwiing we ebrhotr hsgitn uto a itsh oru no,w aehv dfonu as eltlti i nmpoig l!)ter,e!t seniec a h31t on itghr ’di ceebaus adn dehepl. Ingwrko on ma thta i tub is nitghmeso. So i wkoinrg ruth htat no sthi idbsruaneo ew ma emorany efle on’dt. Herot aer irspisbyilento is of tno rou uros dlea ethy dolh ot eptsoxtneica ot peslpeo hiwt ton ti s,u. A taht i of nad u’ryoe lot onwk onghlid. Ehots wndo ot oyak elltgni uyo put hitgns its’ m’i. Ot ist’ eepplo ovel oyu kyoa ppditiosan. Ti’s tno ,ilfe ti’s ither ouyrs bauscee. Vginli eb noe slee yruo ot uyo yuo teh nda ouldhs tno sha ter’yeh no u’ntdohsl oidgn pyctiaca iefl ltle awth esuceba. Yteh to ero’uy acieoesrcss iondg to iartyle tath ruyo lal era are twah eiseswtsn. Nntigoh me esmtatr. Npehep,ad aveh aehv het bc,ka if wludo it sverneui will ti udvlseoh’ your. I ouy thta it ougthrh any i lyluf rta(pa nad dnessicio kighnnti othwuit piosrme eh’tavn cltmileh ftsir edam fmor. . E?vo)l can higft who ucaes. Lyou’l fo nto biegn ndfsrie su i damosyn sthi tlteer tou htiw kwon aeyphdrxfiet het no all be fo. Ni uyo hsit rofec ’cant nhsitg life ubt. Rof eyth’re ,su tub odgo ofr it hcea wnko tyhe oerth ont odgo tyeh eerw otnd’ not. Dna riceevde eypt dna thaw uyo umhc breett aer are naht fo os hucm hotwr os ewre ipfdreinsh nvige uoy roem vleo yuo the and. Hewn it cwihh( omec on si thne dan eth us ays to swa na yrou ahtw den igbne ntyoapesilr iwtuoth hyte it aer i elowldfo tcaatk cdolu ot ehyt ot tgnshi utb wihs uaecesb awwdark out, htore fhipsneird csheo dne edlbma too ldaleow ot cut i me) eth na ,andymso rou. Otn rea tub enon lepeop het are nsaenisst all ielk lsot nkgnhiit dna ’eyethv wiht oyu si ryeuo’ rwdo,l aesbuec towrh adttree htowr uyo of ’yovue whne btaou eth. Su smefyl, fo ot teh uetufr wohytr ouy, ednint ni ym syad dneps enbgi i and.
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’mi ,ryosr.
Peesal ,me foriveg.
O,uy ktnah.
Yuo olev i.
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Lov,e.
Yare 23 me x odl.

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