A letter from April 10th, 2020

Peaceful right?

Dear FutureMe, If I'm right, (which I am ofc), today is your 21st birthday. Happy birthday E <3 Who'd have thought we'd get here?? I hope you are getting spoiled, by yourself, and remembering that not all birthdays are terrible :). I hope you still have your dynamos (you better, 'cause they're the bestest friends in the world), to party with, but not TOO hard, 'cause we know how that ends! At this current time, you're probably in the middle (I hope in the middle, please don't procrastinate!!), of writing your dissertation on whatever you have chosen! (I still currently think it should be about white privilege in society, but I won't be mad if you choose something better / easier to research :) ). You've nearly graduated, which is a huge achievement, and you should be extremely proud of yourself for everything you've achieved. You may even have a boyfriend by this time, but don't worry if you don't, boys are overrated ;). As I'm sitting here rn, on my bed, at 8:15pm on a Friday night, in a global pandemic where we have been in lockdown for 15 days (and I / you have been in self isolation for about 29 days), I thought I'd tell you how much I love you. 2020 so far has definitely been a rollercoaster, if you remember, March - now has been the hardest. But you are so worth it. I don't think I know anyone more worth it than you. Don't ever let anyone take you for granted. You are worth so much more than someone just picking you up and using you, but if that does happen, pick yourself up. You've picked yourself up from rock bottom before, you can do it again. With the state of the world at the minute, its easy to crawl back into that part of yourself, who doesn't actually know how much you're actually worth.. (I'm aware I've used 'worth' like 50 times but hey i'm not one with words as we both know). And even though you've done that, for those 29 (and more) days, that doesn't make you weak, or any less what you're worth (again.. I know). The point I'm trying to make is, life is continuously kicking you / us / me down, but you CHOOSE life. Everytime. And that's something to be **** proud of. Like a dandelion through the pavement, I persist. Me and mum have almost finished the fifth season of How To Get Away With ******, (hopefully you've now watched season 6 and figured out what the hell is going on!!!), and I don't think I realised until today how much of a big impact it has had on me. I don't think I've admired anyone more than Annalise Keating. I know she's fictional, but she's incredible. She has made me love myself, which hopefully works out for you because hopefully you are loving yourself more than ever. Things I love so much about you is how kind you are, which I often take as being a pushover, which we can be, but my goodness you have a big heart. And with all that loving and helping everyone else you do, letting them enter your heart, surely there's enough room for one 19 year old who just wants to be happy :). The things I thought I hated about myself / us, are the things that make us, us. The dimples in your cheeks when you smile, and your smile which can be as wide as the Cheshire Cat's when you're laughing. Your eyes which have seen so much, but still can be just as kind when you really look into them, and the creases under them when you smile just proves how much laughing you've done when you're with the right people. The way you are with the kids makes me want to be that girl everyday. I am currently a mess, but aren't some messes beautiful? I'm a work in progress, but I promise you I will work my arse off to make sure that when you receive this, you're as happy as you can be and so loved by yourself. And if you're not? Well, you've survived 100% of your worst days yet. That's 21 years worth. But if you still have your dynamos, can see the kids, have your loving family, a roof over your head, and food on the table, then that's all you need to get through the bad days. There's always sunshine if you look for it, there's always something to laugh or smile about, and there for sure is something beautiful in everyday. You were created with a perfect palette. A palette of intelligence, stubbornness, humour, passion, and beauty and lots more that I'm willing to look into myself to find, for you. I don't know what the future holds, but I will make a future, for you, for me. Love, 19 year old me x

Epilogue

about 2 years later

Dear 19 year old me,

Wow, sometimes I think past me is more wise than current me, but we are the same person so I have that wisdom somewhere ha!...

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Nwo, ot wo(h i’m dnhgaec my sipdue uoy year ndow 32 in ear st21 lefi etr,)elt my ni ahtt polymeclte aikgtln dna. Otsrw het ti fo ebts reay adn ym asw lfei. A ogngi ew cptha a my t2s1 were otn me my dahtrbiy hotrugh rhgou ‘ydoansm’ wsa as idcethd etarg no,e. Eb i tihw i fo all umcnirglb nwod het them tath ebereptms idd onuwd’lt ,aeyr tuuohotghr wdulo and awy yan eht yb it rfsendi nkwo oecm ltlite. Tmghi oyrr,w of aemk cohsk y,uo us drcei htat e’vi otn’d fro but e,pstu othb ro eht heougn yuo. Uyo taht ,nwko i hyte adn want hwta epople meisstome ae’tnr seme lla ot. Ym ndaour nmay eleppo we so aer yuo taht atth htta ihktn ptsa rea unlit teh r,eluofs so illett latnonscyt raye rtehe it aer tdni’d 2t1s orfm tusj ew fo onsera eleasir. Ensltyine atht i uot bmeeca ndit’d dan salo y,rae diiuslca atedgrau pedrdpo i. Ooenmes ielf otn ebla i i loev to my wtih utb nditd’ dan torhhgu hwo owh ofr nbeig toni pu itwhuto end yo…ag wkon ipdelsp it luowd fedonnwu a tgo ievl i. Uro mlhiltce. Ni dwuol mhi my htsi iefl ithrg rvpetpseeci hatt egnhadc and rwold, no ovle tjus uyo m,e leycelmotp is seh ehs’ ryenivhteg. .
I ni a niu udargtdea adn 2ts1 hgthuo dne gduragtina ihwt off ryea ddi ni a 0223 tafre me, entw kcba my up 12: i raye jluy i. Os owlud odpur be uoy. I am os pduro. :) geibsgt fof dna enlilocgsun ym eeddn a to smrka fstir n,o ’tis fo ym wfe nad hte up nrpetoceip saw tehmeaivcne i eta,d bieng ieasinsdtotr no a.
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Tl,climhe whit dedne i moingv uot pu eebn and reev ed,ri inlvig hte isicdneo utb ebts a its’. Drnagad fo a edid olt ym r,eay aws it last hirgt ni dan a tadnosstieir ignitwr rhu,t teh miedld schko ti nad. See uoy ,ohme ot cmeo i go hatt lla i hsiw tub otn’clud iivts og nosmht of yuo dha lnoc,dokw freta awyyan dna tou rl,ette you uoy ihm to ihm rweto olucd a he a pcluoe niot dan at raetf letl. Elef hte ot’nd hsa i,ll)w uory abd oyu so rvneisue nkow back (i.
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I i hreets tell tath uyo siwh uodcl gsitnh. Ouy fo i odrpu elki hwo ma. I hwis tmomen 4 eht lerat fo ndiekr niasdte ni aws to ysrae you i hwo. Ghenali i i ubt ma eiormsp y,uo. Esyflm slruoef ma nad veer ebn,e hetos fmelsy einrn i krined of ikl,e swa eahl htat ma rnwiad ot ot hdilc uor on ahnt sratp romf i odn’t oinrkwg ew su enbgi i heal rbbdeo avhe to. Itsh n,ow 4 h1t3 as rnet’a yuor uor ensice ellw a rthig impogn because ’im oerrtbh (yse as dehpel ew nda neepshw ma oggin i ehav tuo dan espnhew aertf nudfo bti no a nisthg !!,ttle)er ew lelitt ryihdbta i’d rctneruyl ntgiwri adn. Ma tbu no si mnegitohs i that ionwgrk. I gwikorn dnto’ ew ma os eefl uthr atth tish enadsoibru no ryoenma. They are oru of to eplpseo ot rtheo scoaxeetpitn sour inoesstrpyibil lhdo laed s,u otn it tno is thiw. Oknw nda of taht a i tlo eoy’ur lhdonig. Teilgnl to sgthin ist’ kayo utp dnwo yuo i’m otseh. Voel olppee ot itdpnaiops i’st yuo akyo. Hrtie ’its not usryo st’i l,eif becsaeu. Wtha uoy be nad yruo idngo teh ltel etehy’r sbeauce tcpyacia efil neo ahs lohuds not lees toudhls’n lnvgii on to uoy. Odgin rea ot uroy thta tawh iewtnsses eyht saossreceic all to reouy’ etlryia ear. Retmats tnioghn me. The it sdvuo’hle eeunsrvi aveh ti bcak, fi lowdu illw heva aenhpde,p oyru. I i utrhhgo atar(p any it uflyl htat made gnktiihn oicdesins thiwout tisfr oyu vtenha’ mfor mihtllce dna epirosm. . Nac cuesa ighft )ovel? owh. Of eb oknw i teaipdyrefxh whit dmynaso fndsrei nbeig eeltrt hsti fo ylulo’ nto out su lla teh on. Sgthni ofecr leif hist a’nct in utb uyo. Etyh reew ont’d e’hetry not odgo doog tyeh for not cahe nkwo btu ,us ofr herot it. Uoy tnha adn olve rtowh nad era fo mroe recdeive shrinpdfei pety nad ouy era umhc uoy vngei so os hwat eth rwee muhc etbter. On ubt m)e fiserdinhp etyh it su emoc si ned an ot the orhte ihsw ear swa out, sya ot i aoytnrlisep uocdl ewhn dne nhte histgn i cwhhi( aactkt hte inbeg dan edoflowl kwadraw soehc oldlaew ot ti uro an oto heyt ot moya,dsn utwhtio athw lmbead ceusabe tuc yrou. Fo you tno oyu wneh lepepo owhrt olst owtrh htiw nnoe hte keil aecebus ro,dwl adn is nsnsaitse o’eruy baotu tub era eve’yht euv’oy eth all nhigiktn daertet rae. Torhwy my feuutr o,yu days of nad teh in negib feyls,m ot nndtie i us nedsp.
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Mi’ o,yrrs.
Aeepls rovgfei ,em.
Athnk ouy,.
Evol oyu i.
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Eo,vl.
Me 23 dlo x ayer.

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