A letter from April 10th, 2020

Peaceful right?

Dear FutureMe, If I'm right, (which I am ofc), today is your 21st birthday. Happy birthday E <3 Who'd have thought we'd get here?? I hope you are getting spoiled, by yourself, and remembering that not all birthdays are terrible :). I hope you still have your dynamos (you better, 'cause they're the bestest friends in the world), to party with, but not TOO hard, 'cause we know how that ends! At this current time, you're probably in the middle (I hope in the middle, please don't procrastinate!!), of writing your dissertation on whatever you have chosen! (I still currently think it should be about white privilege in society, but I won't be mad if you choose something better / easier to research :) ). You've nearly graduated, which is a huge achievement, and you should be extremely proud of yourself for everything you've achieved. You may even have a boyfriend by this time, but don't worry if you don't, boys are overrated ;). As I'm sitting here rn, on my bed, at 8:15pm on a Friday night, in a global pandemic where we have been in lockdown for 15 days (and I / you have been in self isolation for about 29 days), I thought I'd tell you how much I love you. 2020 so far has definitely been a rollercoaster, if you remember, March - now has been the hardest. But you are so worth it. I don't think I know anyone more worth it than you. Don't ever let anyone take you for granted. You are worth so much more than someone just picking you up and using you, but if that does happen, pick yourself up. You've picked yourself up from rock bottom before, you can do it again. With the state of the world at the minute, its easy to crawl back into that part of yourself, who doesn't actually know how much you're actually worth.. (I'm aware I've used 'worth' like 50 times but hey i'm not one with words as we both know). And even though you've done that, for those 29 (and more) days, that doesn't make you weak, or any less what you're worth (again.. I know). The point I'm trying to make is, life is continuously kicking you / us / me down, but you CHOOSE life. Everytime. And that's something to be **** proud of. Like a dandelion through the pavement, I persist. Me and mum have almost finished the fifth season of How To Get Away With ******, (hopefully you've now watched season 6 and figured out what the hell is going on!!!), and I don't think I realised until today how much of a big impact it has had on me. I don't think I've admired anyone more than Annalise Keating. I know she's fictional, but she's incredible. She has made me love myself, which hopefully works out for you because hopefully you are loving yourself more than ever. Things I love so much about you is how kind you are, which I often take as being a pushover, which we can be, but my goodness you have a big heart. And with all that loving and helping everyone else you do, letting them enter your heart, surely there's enough room for one 19 year old who just wants to be happy :). The things I thought I hated about myself / us, are the things that make us, us. The dimples in your cheeks when you smile, and your smile which can be as wide as the Cheshire Cat's when you're laughing. Your eyes which have seen so much, but still can be just as kind when you really look into them, and the creases under them when you smile just proves how much laughing you've done when you're with the right people. The way you are with the kids makes me want to be that girl everyday. I am currently a mess, but aren't some messes beautiful? I'm a work in progress, but I promise you I will work my arse off to make sure that when you receive this, you're as happy as you can be and so loved by yourself. And if you're not? Well, you've survived 100% of your worst days yet. That's 21 years worth. But if you still have your dynamos, can see the kids, have your loving family, a roof over your head, and food on the table, then that's all you need to get through the bad days. There's always sunshine if you look for it, there's always something to laugh or smile about, and there for sure is something beautiful in everyday. You were created with a perfect palette. A palette of intelligence, stubbornness, humour, passion, and beauty and lots more that I'm willing to look into myself to find, for you. I don't know what the future holds, but I will make a future, for you, for me. Love, 19 year old me x

Epilogue

about 2 years later

Dear 19 year old me,

Wow, sometimes I think past me is more wise than current me, but we are the same person so I have that wisdom somewhere ha!...

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Ow(h in glatnki mtyleeploc yuo ym epusdi atht 32 nwo, ot lief nhaedcg raye 1ts2 ear e,ltt)er mi’ wdon ni ym nad. Teh bste towrs it saw my fiel raey fo adn. My agter huogtrh ibadryth ’n‘modsya s2t1 nigog saw nto a oguhr as neo, catph ewer my ew a hdctedi me. Any ywa i defrnis nibcglmur emeteprbs lla eomc uon’lwtd ndwo atht fo hurughotto ddi and ouwld i lletit thiw ti be het eray, etmh nkow eht by. Ou,y gihmt e’vi eakm eouhng of ouy eth or both us dcire tpeu,s ’ndto orf kosch woyrr, tbu htta. Ntwa atwh dna to rte’na eelppo eyth atht i kon,w temmoises eesm oyu all. Rae you yamn olppee eorans inltu that ew ptsa theer fmro eary fo ltielt ahtt the so so ttah ear my hnkti urefos,l ti we nnactlosyt jstu rnaudo alsiree aer t21s d’dint. Otu hatt dan i snneiteyl dproepd aeecmb loas dtdn’i rgaeadtu uiaclisd i raey,. Ubt i ay…go tnoi bneig tno dna ndti’d onkw pu loev to ihtw i ym a ned it dulwo life veil htwuito undwenof ppsidel ogt moeenos i hwo rfo uhthrgo owh ebal. Rou llihmcte. Ym in yuo esh’ ecsrpevpeit vleo atht she usjt me, ehgyretivn ihm nad si yeepmocllt on lief acgndhe isht ulodw tghri lwr,od. .
Fof ewnt raye uin hwti edn 1:2 kcab i my st12 i i 3022 aterf pu a lyuj in tuhhgo me, a in anadigrugt nad aery rtgdaudea ddi. So lowdu rudpo oyu be. Orpud os i am. Gnuesniclol nda ritsf kmrsa i i’st my a of up deden a saw e,tda nda iecrpptnoe ibtggse to efw ym no, no ffo tnraitosisde eth ): enibg iectmnvaeeh.
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Ddeen pu enscdioi teh st’i i ubt liginv eltm,cilh nad vomnig ier,d uto ebst enbe evre whti a. Hte in trihg atls nad dedi aws ym a rdnagad dleimd it iwgirtn hosck t,rhu a ti endsoatritsi nad olt yaer, fo. Aayywn dah a relet,t isivt go you iswh eh and ’dolctun ta oeclup og ttah i lelt duolc lla loodc,wkn ot you toerw ertfa etfar oecm btu ouy dna a into ohsntm mih ees ,oemh uot uyo mih of i ot. Bda os know leef has you ond’t i( cbak eernvusi rouy )i,llw eht.
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Hesret you wihs ttha llte nsgith i udclo i. Uropd oyu of owh ma lkie i. Nmmote of iwhs eht snietda wsa 4 how i arlet i ysera ouy indekr ni to. Am i ,yuo i oesrmpi utb ngahlei. O’tnd efyslm aehv i ot we iel,k no renni aws i uro reofsul ehal to us nderki fo spart i gbnie rbdeob dan wrnadi hale to am emylsf stoeh ene,b tahn orfm reve lichd atth riowkng am. Berhort pigmon i veha curlryten oru a stngih sa arbidtyh as isth sabucee wlle hleedp on adn we hgrit 3h1t d’i (yes ow,n ’im dnuof and ew uot 4 ggnoi ellitt am hwpsnee reatn’ twiignr dan a ecseni wpehesn tib freta !!tretl)e, your. I knoigwr on am si sgotenimh utb htat. Yemrona hatt hutr iaenudosbr am we i so tihs feel n’odt groinwk no. Stotenixeacp fo is dolh ton it us, leda oerth rea ot rou eepopls stiosyierpblin teyh uors htiw ton ot. Kwon i of nad dhilgno tlo o’urey thta a. Uyo ihtsng gteinll oayk heost to mi’ s’it utp dnow. Akyo lopepe uyo si’t inippaosdt olve ot. Abucees tsi’ rsoyu ielf, etihr otn it’s. On eon yuo uoy ot be lese tlel sbcueea ruoy sholdu ilef twha ycctapia hnsodult’ not gniod has eth nviigl adn ytrhee’. Yeht ’eruoy thta all sitssween oyur to isocaeesrsc iognd lteirya aer are ot whta. Gtinnho ermttsa me. Aehv lhsud’voe het vhea vesieunr ti nhe,dpepa if cbk,a yrou dwlou ti iwll. Rsepiom tlmeichl from that tsrif hortuhg lyluf mead i apt(ra you ti nad ayn wotuhti inigkhnt incedioss nt’ahev i. . Fhgit v)e?ol nca acesu woh. Eetltr teh be fo lla su know i fdrsine fpexieytdhar out on aydnmos nbgei lo’uly of shti otn hitw. Tub this efil in tgisnh nc’at ocfer you. For ont ogdo ewre utb nto tyeh ndt’o thye oterh it teyhe’r s,u ahec wkon oodg rof. Os aer egivn tnha hotrw so mchu fo the nad were yuo velo cumh ouy oyu erom nad ercievde tpey ehfniprsid adn aer athw beetrt. I ot too si abcusee oodlfelw yas ned na y,asodnm dne hyte eyth kadraww btu rae gbnei enfidhsrip caattk i bleamd m)e it ctu eocm the hte enht nyaptoresil an to nitshg su twha eohtr oru ti to iswh no enwh iwhotut to was dan odulc hoesc ut,o hic(hw awdlole uyor. Nda aeeubcs hwotr but nhwe rateedt uyo ry’euo onen lal tveey’h the rae ,lowrd eht ont oevuy’ hntniigk ortwh of opelep elki rea is isasnnest oyu thiw ltos buoat. Efturu i yo,u yads nenidt my teh of ni niebg yowtrh su adn ,sylmfe ot sepnd.
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’im r,syro.
Pelsea ,em ogfreiv.
Uyo, ktnah.
Ouy oevl i.
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Olve,.
X 23 odl erya em.

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