A letter from April 10th, 2020

Peaceful right?

Dear FutureMe, If I'm right, (which I am ofc), today is your 21st birthday. Happy birthday E <3 Who'd have thought we'd get here?? I hope you are getting spoiled, by yourself, and remembering that not all birthdays are terrible :). I hope you still have your dynamos (you better, 'cause they're the bestest friends in the world), to party with, but not TOO hard, 'cause we know how that ends! At this current time, you're probably in the middle (I hope in the middle, please don't procrastinate!!), of writing your dissertation on whatever you have chosen! (I still currently think it should be about white privilege in society, but I won't be mad if you choose something better / easier to research :) ). You've nearly graduated, which is a huge achievement, and you should be extremely proud of yourself for everything you've achieved. You may even have a boyfriend by this time, but don't worry if you don't, boys are overrated ;). As I'm sitting here rn, on my bed, at 8:15pm on a Friday night, in a global pandemic where we have been in lockdown for 15 days (and I / you have been in self isolation for about 29 days), I thought I'd tell you how much I love you. 2020 so far has definitely been a rollercoaster, if you remember, March - now has been the hardest. But you are so worth it. I don't think I know anyone more worth it than you. Don't ever let anyone take you for granted. You are worth so much more than someone just picking you up and using you, but if that does happen, pick yourself up. You've picked yourself up from rock bottom before, you can do it again. With the state of the world at the minute, its easy to crawl back into that part of yourself, who doesn't actually know how much you're actually worth.. (I'm aware I've used 'worth' like 50 times but hey i'm not one with words as we both know). And even though you've done that, for those 29 (and more) days, that doesn't make you weak, or any less what you're worth (again.. I know). The point I'm trying to make is, life is continuously kicking you / us / me down, but you CHOOSE life. Everytime. And that's something to be **** proud of. Like a dandelion through the pavement, I persist. Me and mum have almost finished the fifth season of How To Get Away With ******, (hopefully you've now watched season 6 and figured out what the hell is going on!!!), and I don't think I realised until today how much of a big impact it has had on me. I don't think I've admired anyone more than Annalise Keating. I know she's fictional, but she's incredible. She has made me love myself, which hopefully works out for you because hopefully you are loving yourself more than ever. Things I love so much about you is how kind you are, which I often take as being a pushover, which we can be, but my goodness you have a big heart. And with all that loving and helping everyone else you do, letting them enter your heart, surely there's enough room for one 19 year old who just wants to be happy :). The things I thought I hated about myself / us, are the things that make us, us. The dimples in your cheeks when you smile, and your smile which can be as wide as the Cheshire Cat's when you're laughing. Your eyes which have seen so much, but still can be just as kind when you really look into them, and the creases under them when you smile just proves how much laughing you've done when you're with the right people. The way you are with the kids makes me want to be that girl everyday. I am currently a mess, but aren't some messes beautiful? I'm a work in progress, but I promise you I will work my arse off to make sure that when you receive this, you're as happy as you can be and so loved by yourself. And if you're not? Well, you've survived 100% of your worst days yet. That's 21 years worth. But if you still have your dynamos, can see the kids, have your loving family, a roof over your head, and food on the table, then that's all you need to get through the bad days. There's always sunshine if you look for it, there's always something to laugh or smile about, and there for sure is something beautiful in everyday. You were created with a perfect palette. A palette of intelligence, stubbornness, humour, passion, and beauty and lots more that I'm willing to look into myself to find, for you. I don't know what the future holds, but I will make a future, for you, for me. Love, 19 year old me x

Epilogue

about 2 years later

Dear 19 year old me,

Wow, sometimes I think past me is more wise than current me, but we are the same person so I have that wisdom somewhere ha!...

.
Ownd ym upesid dan o,wn ni giltnka file eary my 23 eymlpcleot are uyo to gahedcn im’ 1s2t )tete,lr ni ho(w ahtt. My asw swotr fo yrae eilf etbs dna the ti. Ew sa ugtohhr ptcah t2s1 em eargt dedcthi reew a my eo,n saw ton oghur a ym mo‘a’ydns igong tyrhbida. Ti nad ielttl nay mhte i tohguhutro eepsemrtb teh cmeo owudl i idd eb mrgcnluib ttah yb whit owdn eht r,aey uotnw’ld ywa fo konw lla sfdrnie. ,setpu ongeuh tmgih hksco btu eamk rof ,ouy tdno’ hotb credi yowr,r v’ie or eth us htta oyu fo. Htye htat wtna lla ositsemem twah adn yuo ner’at eeolpp mees nokw, i to. Ym ahtt nhtik ptas yrea you of ear tellti dn’tdi so ieasrel os oranud era teerh refo,uls eoplpe teh sneoar aer ew t2s1 yman tstlonyacn it rfom ew ulint atth tath tujs. Aer,y doepdrp sluicaid enytsinel dan i htat soal tuo i tddin’ eadaurtg became. Idpespl iwth ofr t’indd beal kwno a igebn ohw vlie agoy… edn pu tog not ovle toni nad to file tbu unnowdef nsmeeoo otuithw ym ti lwodu uhrthgo i how i i. Ruo ithlelcm. Lmeptoycle no ,me oyu loev tgrih ,lwrod isht htat tsju she ym in isecprpvete si him neghdac dulwo and ’she ielf gevrhneyti. .
Ihtw guhtho tnew 3220 i yare a ym 1t2s nda i uetgaaddr raangitugd pu niu lyuj nde 21: ni in i faetr a yaer did akbc ffo ,me. So oyu odwul be dpuro. I so ma ordup. A tfisr ot ti’s ttsirsdaoien asmkr the no, inugnlcesol ,deta bitsegg off efw i aientveecmh my dende nritopepce my up ): on eibgn nad nda of asw a.
.
Up ider, a eenb ebts vimogn nda milchlt,e erve tsi’ ubt doniesic i teh ddene ivling uot hitw. A het stla r,yea my a uthr, ti iwigntr dedi of ti in diedlm rgaddan eotinstsadir adn olt nda hgirt kcsho wsa. I nda go luocd wetro ouy msntoh ouy ,ereltt a uyo omec iswh etafr ondlt’cu i ta uoy istvi nad ,owolcdnk a he that trafe hda go to oeulpc to tnio lla ese mhi hmi uto fo llte tub yawayn em,ho. Sha i( lli,)w os ieuvrsne elfe adb ’ondt back ryuo you nowk het.
.
Etll sightn dluoc iswh uoy i rsehte i htta. How i am ilek prdou fo ouy. Swa ot ridnek fo you hswi in etnmom 4 rseay retla who hte i siaendt i. I i ,uoy giealnh am pesorim utb. Renin irndke uro and n’odt redbob su fslyem i,kel ma i stheo to laeh on omrf of i eb,en wdrnia ingeb was to smfyle tanh to ahel am evah reve iwkgrno we i ihcld srpat tath fulsoer. Oggin onw, rtt,)e!e!l ephedl adn on and adn rdyibaht ahve (sey uoyr efrta itb leittl rou ew nfduo ’mi nwtirig sa uot rithg llew tsih weespnh we 1th3 di’ a saeuceb as shingt rbrheto am ra’ent i cenesi mpingo ltnuerrcy wnhsepe a 4. Si iwongkr no tbu hnmoitges i ttah am. Tsih sunaeobdir no niwrkgo so oenarmy ’tnod htru ew ttah i lfee am. Uosr ear orteh hold thwi si ti our ehty elepops ipsesinriyltob txptiesneaco fo us, ton adel to not ot. I htat lto oignlhd u’oyre a nwko of dan. Ntgshi ptu st’i donw uoy egilnlt ’im yoak ot thsoe. Ouy opelpe atpodsinip evlo to akoy t’is. Ist’ otn uyrso caeseub iethr tis’ ife,l. Igodn t’eyhre iiglnv oury on uhsold you lefi cbauese ont eb t’lshound ouy has to ticapyca hawt seel eno tlle eth dan. Lla twha siccesreaso gnido to ’uryeo era swietnsse that tyiaerl to are hyet uyro. Onnhitg em estmart. D’lusohve owldu ti lliw the have yoru ck,ab usrineev ti vaeh if ,nhpdepea. Llfyu i hohutgr rimeops inintkgh nda ehimllct any tuotwhi dame tpar(a osncieids sritf that rofm i anh’etv ti yuo. . Nac how l)ove? higft useca. Itsh ownk binge rnedfsi eb lal htiw ’oulyl tiaxheedfryp of the nysomda fo otn uot no us i ertelt. But cna’t yuo coerf ni leif htsi sngthi. Not s,u hoter ethy ubt eerw ahec doog ton hyet fro onwk n’dto it rof ogod ’eethry. Het much eprhdiisfn evlo nad oyu you vgeni rea rea rhtow fo veiecder dan ouy so hwat etpy os dna ettrbe uchm remo erew hatn. Ehyt asy sihw are rteoh tatkca it on ot ot an eth ptyosnrieal sodyam,n tutihow ot cbsauee twha si elowdla tnhe when us nstihg i was oecsh daarwkw dan mlbead t,ou na oot eth dne uory ubt it i e)m chwhi( gebin sprihdinfe ellfwodo uct teyh to uor edn ecom dcoul. All th’eevy oyu olst ecubesa the but fo r’oeuy rthow thrwo vu’yeo adn eonn nisaetssn era oyu dwr,ol kile tno era is hewn itgknhin taubo aetetdr the plepoe htiw. Ni ydas the iedntn fo us me,yfsl ym bigne oyu, rhytwo dan eutrfu sndpe i to.
.
Syrr,o im’.
Em, reovfig aslepe.
Atnkh ,ouy.
I yuo veol.
.
V,oel.
32 ldo x em eayr.

This user has written an update to this letter.To see what they wrote, please

Press ← and → on your keyboard to move between letters

Write new comment

Load more comments