A letter from April 10th, 2020

Peaceful right?

Dear FutureMe, If I'm right, (which I am ofc), today is your 21st birthday. Happy birthday E <3 Who'd have thought we'd get here?? I hope you are getting spoiled, by yourself, and remembering that not all birthdays are terrible :). I hope you still have your dynamos (you better, 'cause they're the bestest friends in the world), to party with, but not TOO hard, 'cause we know how that ends! At this current time, you're probably in the middle (I hope in the middle, please don't procrastinate!!), of writing your dissertation on whatever you have chosen! (I still currently think it should be about white privilege in society, but I won't be mad if you choose something better / easier to research :) ). You've nearly graduated, which is a huge achievement, and you should be extremely proud of yourself for everything you've achieved. You may even have a boyfriend by this time, but don't worry if you don't, boys are overrated ;). As I'm sitting here rn, on my bed, at 8:15pm on a Friday night, in a global pandemic where we have been in lockdown for 15 days (and I / you have been in self isolation for about 29 days), I thought I'd tell you how much I love you. 2020 so far has definitely been a rollercoaster, if you remember, March - now has been the hardest. But you are so worth it. I don't think I know anyone more worth it than you. Don't ever let anyone take you for granted. You are worth so much more than someone just picking you up and using you, but if that does happen, pick yourself up. You've picked yourself up from rock bottom before, you can do it again. With the state of the world at the minute, its easy to crawl back into that part of yourself, who doesn't actually know how much you're actually worth.. (I'm aware I've used 'worth' like 50 times but hey i'm not one with words as we both know). And even though you've done that, for those 29 (and more) days, that doesn't make you weak, or any less what you're worth (again.. I know). The point I'm trying to make is, life is continuously kicking you / us / me down, but you CHOOSE life. Everytime. And that's something to be **** proud of. Like a dandelion through the pavement, I persist. Me and mum have almost finished the fifth season of How To Get Away With ******, (hopefully you've now watched season 6 and figured out what the hell is going on!!!), and I don't think I realised until today how much of a big impact it has had on me. I don't think I've admired anyone more than Annalise Keating. I know she's fictional, but she's incredible. She has made me love myself, which hopefully works out for you because hopefully you are loving yourself more than ever. Things I love so much about you is how kind you are, which I often take as being a pushover, which we can be, but my goodness you have a big heart. And with all that loving and helping everyone else you do, letting them enter your heart, surely there's enough room for one 19 year old who just wants to be happy :). The things I thought I hated about myself / us, are the things that make us, us. The dimples in your cheeks when you smile, and your smile which can be as wide as the Cheshire Cat's when you're laughing. Your eyes which have seen so much, but still can be just as kind when you really look into them, and the creases under them when you smile just proves how much laughing you've done when you're with the right people. The way you are with the kids makes me want to be that girl everyday. I am currently a mess, but aren't some messes beautiful? I'm a work in progress, but I promise you I will work my arse off to make sure that when you receive this, you're as happy as you can be and so loved by yourself. And if you're not? Well, you've survived 100% of your worst days yet. That's 21 years worth. But if you still have your dynamos, can see the kids, have your loving family, a roof over your head, and food on the table, then that's all you need to get through the bad days. There's always sunshine if you look for it, there's always something to laugh or smile about, and there for sure is something beautiful in everyday. You were created with a perfect palette. A palette of intelligence, stubbornness, humour, passion, and beauty and lots more that I'm willing to look into myself to find, for you. I don't know what the future holds, but I will make a future, for you, for me. Love, 19 year old me x

Epilogue

about 2 years later

Dear 19 year old me,

Wow, sometimes I think past me is more wise than current me, but we are the same person so I have that wisdom somewhere ha!...

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M’i my you o(hw in life tr)eet,l era oeelcymtpl ,own nda s2t1 nwdo ni ayre thta peiuds ot knagitl dnaechg ym 23. Was it worts het ifle nad fo yrea my estb. T2s1 ghour my erwe diechtd ’mnays‘do hcpta my otn rbdyaith nogig n,oe a a was ew ughroth atreg em sa. I lal oknw undotw’l ondw het ddi utohgrouht nad eht i lgrnbiumc be by of ayer, it yan reesepbtm ceom thiw ayw htta wulod ttllei iesrnfd them. Bhto kshoc ,puets o,uy idcer ugehon wo,rry kmae fo you imght rof ’eiv eht ro ubt ahtt us ’ondt. Mese poelep dna all wnta wtha aertn’ won,k tehy emoitsmes ot htta i yuo. Ttah teh opelpe ym tusj of you aer raye thta ,fluoser so os fmro we we 2st1 rnoaud era ahtt ktihn era ileears ti nilut nmay raseon tndi’d etrhe ptsa ltelit tycaoltnsn. Hatt eppoddr ’dintd i aeebcm asol i sylennite artdgaeu aciliusd ye,ra tuo adn. T’idnd ym bale lvoe hwo a nad got nto hiotwut hwo dplisep snooeem i ebnig hwit pu i ned wnok rfo ti to htrough nito wuldo goa…y vlie btu i iefl ednouwnf. Uor lcehlmti. Htat eytelmpclo you r,owld ’she e,m on is evlo seh tjsu ihst ym iefl petsvierpec gadnhce nad ertvygihne hrtig ihm dowul ni. .
In eyra jyul akbc year ym niu whti a off i i hgotuh aftre 2:1 wnte me, atrggiadun 2302 ned nad gtaardeud ni up i st21 a did. Rpodu os eb wdulo ouy. I am rodpu so. Rnitdsaitsoe no, my fo i enedd egtsibg entecieahmv a nlcgsolunie a ): fof sitrf dna nad egbin kasmr to hte cpoeetnpri ewf on my ’sti up tead, was.
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Nigvli eht a mnoigv pu cm,illeht tihw i edend tuo e,ird nebe reve btse nicidsoe nda but ’ist. Lto aye,r a htigr was hr,tu iidaettsrson edid elmddi of ddnraag adn ni and last it kcsoh iitnrwg ti a hte my. Iotn see og mih koclnwdo, i ta nda ucldo hmo,e toerw dna og that tiivs rfeta a ouy of ot omce uyo he ahd uyo ubt otu ,eelrtt nhstmo to a ihsw lla ywyaan i tlle eartf opeulc ouy udtnl’co him. Dba eth eseivurn so d’ont ouy elef kacb sah ,)lliw (i nokw royu.
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Hnigst ertehs uoy llte cudlo i swih i taht. Ma yuo fo oprud woh i ilke. Ot i ontemm ienrdk i sdtiena eralt ohw hte ni iwhs you 4 ayesr was of. Utb i i am priomes gnaeihl u,yo. Seroluf mfro i kdrein ew kriognw ot ont’d tnah to feslym swa to fo i our ma ebrdbo ahle vere rdaiwn e,nbe htta eoths bgeni hildc avhe rnein and on tsrpa us alhe kile, i mfyles ma. ,rett!e!l) iytradhb tuo y(es lphede bit no ihgrt nad we trean’ inshtg rou lwle sa uoyr illtte ihts ecseaub nipgom h13t nda id’ hrotreb am ,own ew i ensphew a crletrynu evah frtea rginwit giogn oudnf mi’ a spnehwe nad 4 scneei as. Thta btu am eiotnmhsg on si okrwign i. Am ndeobusrai ikorngw i we tuhr os aonmrey thta efel on this to’dn. Hiwt ohld uro is ixpsoneactet ti not rae they ot fo lead u,s to tiroyiespsbinl ruso seppeol not hrtoe. Olt a nda ngdliho ttha eo’uyr fo okwn i. Lintegl s’it uoy utp ot m’i shtoe wdno koya histng. Ot you veol sdnatiopip pploee oyak s’ti. Teirh ’sti tno ,efli cseeuab sti’ uysro. Hwta tell uyro ignliv eb ielf on uoy het eon to not eh’yetr ash lohdus dan caeubse tulsnhod’ yapcaitc godni uoy sele. Telaiyr ceoisceassr lal ingod rae oyur oeyu’r hwat heyt to taht aer ot wensseist. Me taetsmr oigntnh. If aevh oyur eapedphn, eht ’dulevsho heva uldow it ka,cb lwil vrsieune ti. Dmea thta rifts kgihitnn gouhrth dna imorsep yfllu you mfro yan ti i i sidoecnsi lcehtmli ’vetnah htotwiu ra(pat. . Elo)?v ohw nac ghfti ascue. All siht eth mdaosyn fo gbnei uto su itdhxfaryeep y’luol etelrt i be esifndr no of wtih wnok not. Tub oyu ’atnc ihnstg ni erfco hist flei. Ethor rof nto ti oodg ehyt don’t ahec erwe yhet knwo s,u ey’tehr btu doog nto rfo. Edvrieec nprishfeid erew oyu uoy eomr aer hte olve so so yuo fo rettbe owthr nad are peyt ignev hcum athn dna uhcm ahtw dan. Coem bamdel wihs ays m)e wihh(c are cehso cluod ,uot the yteh oyur tngshi i ot oto enloysitarp si ctu wdkrwaa nad edn acttak erhto end ti ruo iegnb ot teyh on it tub us i na twha hte toutwhi an efrpdnisih oas,dnmy nhew to swa lewaold dwelolof ot htne sceuabe. Tkingnhi iekl het sauebec e’yuro tno fo rea is uoy whotr y’voeu dna wrd,lo ’teehyv neno teertad sessinatn tbu buaot you loeepp are teh wnhe lal otls orwth whit. Ruufet nidtne of wtyroh uyo, begin and psend ymlfes, my ot eht dasy i in su.
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M’i sr,yro.
Me, iofegrv peesla.
Nhtka y,ou.
I veol yuo.
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Leo,v.
23 old ayer x em.

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