A letter from April 10th, 2020

Peaceful right?

Dear FutureMe, If I'm right, (which I am ofc), today is your 21st birthday. Happy birthday E <3 Who'd have thought we'd get here?? I hope you are getting spoiled, by yourself, and remembering that not all birthdays are terrible :). I hope you still have your dynamos (you better, 'cause they're the bestest friends in the world), to party with, but not TOO hard, 'cause we know how that ends! At this current time, you're probably in the middle (I hope in the middle, please don't procrastinate!!), of writing your dissertation on whatever you have chosen! (I still currently think it should be about white privilege in society, but I won't be mad if you choose something better / easier to research :) ). You've nearly graduated, which is a huge achievement, and you should be extremely proud of yourself for everything you've achieved. You may even have a boyfriend by this time, but don't worry if you don't, boys are overrated ;). As I'm sitting here rn, on my bed, at 8:15pm on a Friday night, in a global pandemic where we have been in lockdown for 15 days (and I / you have been in self isolation for about 29 days), I thought I'd tell you how much I love you. 2020 so far has definitely been a rollercoaster, if you remember, March - now has been the hardest. But you are so worth it. I don't think I know anyone more worth it than you. Don't ever let anyone take you for granted. You are worth so much more than someone just picking you up and using you, but if that does happen, pick yourself up. You've picked yourself up from rock bottom before, you can do it again. With the state of the world at the minute, its easy to crawl back into that part of yourself, who doesn't actually know how much you're actually worth.. (I'm aware I've used 'worth' like 50 times but hey i'm not one with words as we both know). And even though you've done that, for those 29 (and more) days, that doesn't make you weak, or any less what you're worth (again.. I know). The point I'm trying to make is, life is continuously kicking you / us / me down, but you CHOOSE life. Everytime. And that's something to be **** proud of. Like a dandelion through the pavement, I persist. Me and mum have almost finished the fifth season of How To Get Away With ******, (hopefully you've now watched season 6 and figured out what the hell is going on!!!), and I don't think I realised until today how much of a big impact it has had on me. I don't think I've admired anyone more than Annalise Keating. I know she's fictional, but she's incredible. She has made me love myself, which hopefully works out for you because hopefully you are loving yourself more than ever. Things I love so much about you is how kind you are, which I often take as being a pushover, which we can be, but my goodness you have a big heart. And with all that loving and helping everyone else you do, letting them enter your heart, surely there's enough room for one 19 year old who just wants to be happy :). The things I thought I hated about myself / us, are the things that make us, us. The dimples in your cheeks when you smile, and your smile which can be as wide as the Cheshire Cat's when you're laughing. Your eyes which have seen so much, but still can be just as kind when you really look into them, and the creases under them when you smile just proves how much laughing you've done when you're with the right people. The way you are with the kids makes me want to be that girl everyday. I am currently a mess, but aren't some messes beautiful? I'm a work in progress, but I promise you I will work my arse off to make sure that when you receive this, you're as happy as you can be and so loved by yourself. And if you're not? Well, you've survived 100% of your worst days yet. That's 21 years worth. But if you still have your dynamos, can see the kids, have your loving family, a roof over your head, and food on the table, then that's all you need to get through the bad days. There's always sunshine if you look for it, there's always something to laugh or smile about, and there for sure is something beautiful in everyday. You were created with a perfect palette. A palette of intelligence, stubbornness, humour, passion, and beauty and lots more that I'm willing to look into myself to find, for you. I don't know what the future holds, but I will make a future, for you, for me. Love, 19 year old me x

Epilogue

about 2 years later

Dear 19 year old me,

Wow, sometimes I think past me is more wise than current me, but we are the same person so I have that wisdom somewhere ha!...

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Atht ym oyu in hnagced yare 23 gklnait eilf ’im mlyleotcep aer ot 2t1s ym wdno dan tlet)r,e ni ow(h no,w iepsdu. Was ilef the rsowt ti ym year dan btes fo. Ym edcthid 1st2 tno a me rguoh a as were gngoi ew o’dsm‘yna my otghhru hbtiadry regta ptahc saw ne,o. Way by any ,eayr eeptmesrb ittlle eb teh did hte fo htme i lnu’wotd nad all itwh kwon dwon nredifs thta it cemo luwod lurbgmnic i uohtuhrgto. Fro eth nd’ot tbu wyorr, htta yuo, us khocs ohbt eakm or ive’ ihmgt t,upse fo ogneuh deicr yuo. Oimestmse i awth w,onk uyo ethy lal to tath dan wnta eta’rn oelepp emes. Rosean psat rfsu,ole tjsu ew uyo nihtk so lpepoe we amny ear theer daruno ear my tstlynoanc atth tluni ielttl lieesar teh mrfo ti htat of didn’t eyar rae tath 21ts os. I i oals acbeem adiuiscl td’dni enniteysl tath e,ayr uto dageuatr prpeodd adn. Ownk twhuiot onti eodwnfnu woh ot elba i a up i’tdnd eilf nto utb tgo wlodu lveo i nde my gnbei ohw veil orf ithw adn ti hohrugt spdipel senmoeo i ogy…a. Ruo tlliehcm. Ahtt lycmpteeol my no in vpeetcrpsei drlwo, ouy tjsu elfi ihm voel hits owuld ihgtr ehngdac si esh egtvhiryne and ,me ’seh. .
My iun 2023 m,e bkac faert nde agniatdugr i i a 2:1 duargdeat year ni etnw ni i nda up arye a hthogu 12ts ddi off uljy tiwh. Opudr uoy woldu eb so. Rdpuo ma os i. Niopertcep a dat,e wfe nda gitegsb itrtndoieass gbnie deden vaemneehict aws pu irsft a hte ot my of fof my sti’ inunelgsocl no mkras :) i dan n,o.
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Ndede thwi hte tuo evre eneb imchlte,l tis’ r,die sebt pu utb adn ioscedni a lnviig i vomign. It lot a ttdinsiroaes alst hckos saw a,yer nad ,rhut het in ti fo gnddaar gnwitri idde my elmdid girht a adn. Eh coem mnsoht to of tivsi yynaaw atht imh had whsi yuo a tub dan uyo ree,ltt see moe,h i locdu dan ot i aretf mih you ltel a ta ’dlunoct og lla noti dcwoknol, pcueol you tou eafrt worte go. Lefe nwok o’tnd revieusn oyu so bda ackb i( het ),llwi oryu hsa.
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Nthigs etll oyu i ishw htta sehter i dcuol. Ourdp uoy klie am woh i fo. Enrdik oemntm was wihs ealtr i aidetsn ohw ni i 4 the yrsea ouy fo to. Lenaghi sporime ,uoy i but i am. Wniard i bordeb srapt am mflsey to ot einrn ’dtno eeb,n lhae have htta gkiwnor tnah of ulorfse am aws elik, uro estoh omrf we nda rvee negib ot i no ahel slemyf su i ernkid idchl. Tshi 3ht1 ’tnaer ew gnogi ma eephwns ’id onduf 4 avhe our yuor encies sa sa i’m ntisgh iletlt phwnees ew a adn bhorert tbi on e(ys adn t,rel)!te! ftera eascebu opngim gtrhi dan a i gniitrw ydraihtb uot ellw o,wn eclrynrut phleed. Hatt iwngork i si on isthegomn am tbu. Neaymor giwkonr lefe ondt’ os htta am i thur iths on ew beniuadosr. Ton tyeh rtohe lpesoep si dela ot ot lhdo oriitbeysinpsl us, xeipoeantsct it of ruo srou rea wthi nto. Dan atht a i ondhgil kwon eru’yo fo tol. ’sti upt m’i soeth uyo nteilgl wnod oyka to sgntih. Yuo i’ts polpee ykao iipndotspa to eovl. Eueascb suroy s’it tno si’t ,flie ietrh. Hatw het uoy otn tn’hudosl seeabcu invlig uroy dulhso and no etll ash feli ehyt’er oyu esel eb acaticpy ot oidng one. O’urey wath lla ngiod osrcaesseci ot yoru hyte ear yiteral era htat to etsnsiwse. Em gontnhi remttas. Evah vaeh llwi ti ca,bk pnpheaed, hv’lsduoe ti fi rsnvueei yruo teh odlwu. Wioutth any rftsi yufll dmea ti pireoms omrf han’tve ogthhru atap(r i hatt adn giktnhin uoy lecmliht idoeinscs i. . V)o?le owh aseuc cna gftih. Enigb thiw lrette no ton out fo all dfsiner dynomsa xfyraepdieht ’oulyl eb ihst of us nokw eth i. File htsi ni tshgni tub fcroe ct’na uyo. ,su rof odog ot’nd tyhe otn nokw ohret eey’hrt ofr ubt otn weer doog ti hyet heca. Era rowth vegin veeicdre so emro dheispirnf dna eht oyu cuhm rae cuhm anht so ertetb htaw oyu tyep love adn weer and you of. It tyhe an ot cseoh nsthig an sya w(hchi oay,sdmn ot dclou iwhs oolefwld us ecsuabe )em wtah uor ecom awrwakd fhdseniipr ot het twtohiu thoer si i tbu end era ti saw ot neth wldeoal ibgen teh utc otu, tehy hwne too ysnoilteapr oury i on dne belamd taatck and. None si oyu yuo wenh whit nad otsl rae ekil lal tdterea of rtwho but eoplpe ’veouy uaesbce itsanness tabuo ont tigknhin hev’yet ’yroue rea torhw w,ldro teh eth. Dsay pdens ohytwr nibge ietnnd my yuo, ot i fo y,elfsm and in eth su ruufte.
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M’i sr,ory.
Em, pelaes ifgreov.
Oyu, tkhan.
I uyo elov.
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E,lvo.
Em x eayr odl 23.

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