A letter from April 10th, 2020

Peaceful right?

Dear FutureMe, If I'm right, (which I am ofc), today is your 21st birthday. Happy birthday E <3 Who'd have thought we'd get here?? I hope you are getting spoiled, by yourself, and remembering that not all birthdays are terrible :). I hope you still have your dynamos (you better, 'cause they're the bestest friends in the world), to party with, but not TOO hard, 'cause we know how that ends! At this current time, you're probably in the middle (I hope in the middle, please don't procrastinate!!), of writing your dissertation on whatever you have chosen! (I still currently think it should be about white privilege in society, but I won't be mad if you choose something better / easier to research :) ). You've nearly graduated, which is a huge achievement, and you should be extremely proud of yourself for everything you've achieved. You may even have a boyfriend by this time, but don't worry if you don't, boys are overrated ;). As I'm sitting here rn, on my bed, at 8:15pm on a Friday night, in a global pandemic where we have been in lockdown for 15 days (and I / you have been in self isolation for about 29 days), I thought I'd tell you how much I love you. 2020 so far has definitely been a rollercoaster, if you remember, March - now has been the hardest. But you are so worth it. I don't think I know anyone more worth it than you. Don't ever let anyone take you for granted. You are worth so much more than someone just picking you up and using you, but if that does happen, pick yourself up. You've picked yourself up from rock bottom before, you can do it again. With the state of the world at the minute, its easy to crawl back into that part of yourself, who doesn't actually know how much you're actually worth.. (I'm aware I've used 'worth' like 50 times but hey i'm not one with words as we both know). And even though you've done that, for those 29 (and more) days, that doesn't make you weak, or any less what you're worth (again.. I know). The point I'm trying to make is, life is continuously kicking you / us / me down, but you CHOOSE life. Everytime. And that's something to be **** proud of. Like a dandelion through the pavement, I persist. Me and mum have almost finished the fifth season of How To Get Away With ******, (hopefully you've now watched season 6 and figured out what the hell is going on!!!), and I don't think I realised until today how much of a big impact it has had on me. I don't think I've admired anyone more than Annalise Keating. I know she's fictional, but she's incredible. She has made me love myself, which hopefully works out for you because hopefully you are loving yourself more than ever. Things I love so much about you is how kind you are, which I often take as being a pushover, which we can be, but my goodness you have a big heart. And with all that loving and helping everyone else you do, letting them enter your heart, surely there's enough room for one 19 year old who just wants to be happy :). The things I thought I hated about myself / us, are the things that make us, us. The dimples in your cheeks when you smile, and your smile which can be as wide as the Cheshire Cat's when you're laughing. Your eyes which have seen so much, but still can be just as kind when you really look into them, and the creases under them when you smile just proves how much laughing you've done when you're with the right people. The way you are with the kids makes me want to be that girl everyday. I am currently a mess, but aren't some messes beautiful? I'm a work in progress, but I promise you I will work my arse off to make sure that when you receive this, you're as happy as you can be and so loved by yourself. And if you're not? Well, you've survived 100% of your worst days yet. That's 21 years worth. But if you still have your dynamos, can see the kids, have your loving family, a roof over your head, and food on the table, then that's all you need to get through the bad days. There's always sunshine if you look for it, there's always something to laugh or smile about, and there for sure is something beautiful in everyday. You were created with a perfect palette. A palette of intelligence, stubbornness, humour, passion, and beauty and lots more that I'm willing to look into myself to find, for you. I don't know what the future holds, but I will make a future, for you, for me. Love, 19 year old me x

Epilogue

about 2 years later

Dear 19 year old me,

Wow, sometimes I think past me is more wise than current me, but we are the same person so I have that wisdom somewhere ha!...

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Yrae wodn m’i )eerltt, ow(h ,nwo ltkgnai dan ear to in feli lteypelcmo sdpiue ym egnhcad in oyu 32 my 21st hatt. Lefi swa my of sowrt ayer btse the ti and. As we asw a eerw hruogth cdtdhie hactp ym em aegrt my 1ts2 ony‘sm’da a hugor oging otn o,en haryidbt. Nersdfi ddi it wtih ttleli nwolu’td retesbpme fo be yaw a,yre het thta ocme yna htme i i wdulo by rouogthhtu wdon dan hte nwok lla rugnlmibc. ,eptsu thmig wryor, but us obht ouy keam or the orf ttha kcosh e’vi ou,y of nodt’ eidcr enohgu. Want awth all ot peploe adn ehyt mese thta atre’n i ouy ,nokw tmismsoee. My rsleufo, ehrte it leltti era inkth mrof eary epepol uaodnr rae nyma nloctsytna os ntlui htta hte of htat thta ddni’t aerlise tsju aer s12t astp os ew ouy we saneor. I thta i laiudsci seyelnnti eppodrd aduagter ye,ar int’dd emcbea dna oasl otu. Lwudo owh to tthiuwo loev it not nsoemoe i gto ledsppi tbu fro feil iwth i nnwfudoe a end tnio bengi up my tnddi’ ygoa… ohw i eliv beal rhohtgu kown and. Ruo etllmihc. H’se you sjut ,em my ovel mhi perpetesciv hse tnverieyhg is w,dolr atth dna in ncgahde lolcemtpye ielf no tsih hitrg wldou. .
Ni up wnte i den arey erya a hotugh 3220 dan s12t my a uni fof in did ,em i i aterf datragugin ithw kacb :21 drdauteag uylj. Os oyu prduo wolud eb. Am so i pourd. Ndeed i msrak on dna ym ,no :) a teh lncglenusio up a emhaevnetic to my efw gsigebt trsif de,ta dna fof st’i of asw bngei sarseoitditn oeieptrncp.
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Necdosii gliinv tlmhlice, up eneb hitw ubt eht etbs i erev tou sti’ mvonig d,ire edden adn a. Dagarnd ya,re and hksco my and iddlme tol the dsiteoirntas last a ddei rihtg of ti a it tirnwgi ni wsa tru,h. Hwsi tath efrta og lelt ocem cdluo yuo uyo lal uoy a sivit eh i uyo dna stnmho tou ’ltdonuc og olpuec imh erttel, imh ubt a to ta i atrfe fo m,oeh ees and nclkood,w oint nywyaa hda rtweo ot. ,liw)l ouy bkca eth ensuevri ahs eefl dba uory wkno i( tond’ so.
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I i tath yuo shwi rehset snhgti ucldo llet. Ourdp ikel i yuo of ohw ma. The ni swa i i ihsw woh yuo of aerys to 4 tonmme edknri asidetn aelrt. Tbu ma eroipms i i alihneg y,uo. I smefyl lsmefy to rikognw su irwnad reve i ienrn rou rleusfo ew fo ,klei drobeb srtap toehs to gnebi nad wsa htta aleh omfr i vaeh ma chlid dt’no dnikre leah am no to n,eeb hant. Eecbuas wlle n,ow nogig a am pdeleh iabrthyd ginsth rtafe sey( pheswne as out on ’id i’m 4 we a ltrt,!!e)e sa rou rbeohtr h13t gnitirw pheesnw tbi lryctuern dna eneics mionpg uodnf rnte’a ew aveh and this trgih yrou dna ielltt i. No am i tub kgniwro gomnheits ttha is. Ew okgirnw arosdbnuie ttha td’on uthr i am os feel ormeyan on hits. Pteatesoincx ot elda is not dhlo ti oseppel eyht iyieilrtsbpsno of tno era ot hwit oehrt ,us uros uro. Hdlgino a tol wokn fo ’ryueo i atth and. ’im oyu ayko ot ’sti tgnelil teosh tup ginhst wdon. Ipointspda sit’ uyo to loepep evol akyo. Ither i,fel s’it sceeuba not st’i rsuyo. Oen no t’hdlnosu rouy elfi ilignv ty’ehre nto llet uoy teh acsebue be iognd hlduos ash yccaptai htwa uoy ot and lese. Esaeosriccs eyht yuor yu’roe hatt to htaw ot rea iwestsnse rea oignd tieyalr lla. Rmsttea em gnointh. P,ephdnae d’lheuovs teh bkca, nersuvie odlwu fi it lwli evah ti yruo aehv. Ngkntihi adn dmae uoithwt rotuhgh smoepri ethvna’ atp(ra i yna it ltcmhlei ulfyl sieincdos ahtt uoy i rtsif mfro. . Ascue loev?) hftgi owh nac. I okwn lteret the rftaxipheeyd be l’luyo adymosn on tno fo us out of wthi itsh nigbe all srfnedi. You siht ielf ’tcan ni ubt feorc htgisn. Wree ubt ecah thye odgo fro odnt’ oknw hyet eyhrt’e ton rfo good ton ,us thore it. And rea envgi and ercdevei hte dan os oyu oelv awth chmu ytpe chmu ear you than thowr of eebttr eewr uoy more phsineirdf so. Tub den to,u tuc eomc ruoy kwdaarw na too ear lowledfo d,osamyn den wneh it ot yhet swa is whhci( i bengi teh tneh etrho uor iprsefnidh ot to kaattc dan i onltspariey us bmldae wealdol na no m)e ecsoh say teh codul ti outwthi tehy whsi thaw gnhtsi ebausec ot. ’ehtvye is etdaert aceesub eth fo yo’veu eikl hte uyo wthor are ’reouy ubt wro,dl plpeeo lla tno htrwo enatssnis uyo tnkhngii hwne botua enno tlso adn ear twhi. Mefyls, ym euutrf i eth yads ou,y to dnspe ytrhwo innetd gneib fo in dan su.
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’mi srory,.
Em, goivfer apelse.
Uy,o tankh.
I oyu vleo.
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Evlo,.
X 32 dlo em raey.

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