A letter from April 10th, 2020

Peaceful right?

Dear FutureMe, If I'm right, (which I am ofc), today is your 21st birthday. Happy birthday E <3 Who'd have thought we'd get here?? I hope you are getting spoiled, by yourself, and remembering that not all birthdays are terrible :). I hope you still have your dynamos (you better, 'cause they're the bestest friends in the world), to party with, but not TOO hard, 'cause we know how that ends! At this current time, you're probably in the middle (I hope in the middle, please don't procrastinate!!), of writing your dissertation on whatever you have chosen! (I still currently think it should be about white privilege in society, but I won't be mad if you choose something better / easier to research :) ). You've nearly graduated, which is a huge achievement, and you should be extremely proud of yourself for everything you've achieved. You may even have a boyfriend by this time, but don't worry if you don't, boys are overrated ;). As I'm sitting here rn, on my bed, at 8:15pm on a Friday night, in a global pandemic where we have been in lockdown for 15 days (and I / you have been in self isolation for about 29 days), I thought I'd tell you how much I love you. 2020 so far has definitely been a rollercoaster, if you remember, March - now has been the hardest. But you are so worth it. I don't think I know anyone more worth it than you. Don't ever let anyone take you for granted. You are worth so much more than someone just picking you up and using you, but if that does happen, pick yourself up. You've picked yourself up from rock bottom before, you can do it again. With the state of the world at the minute, its easy to crawl back into that part of yourself, who doesn't actually know how much you're actually worth.. (I'm aware I've used 'worth' like 50 times but hey i'm not one with words as we both know). And even though you've done that, for those 29 (and more) days, that doesn't make you weak, or any less what you're worth (again.. I know). The point I'm trying to make is, life is continuously kicking you / us / me down, but you CHOOSE life. Everytime. And that's something to be **** proud of. Like a dandelion through the pavement, I persist. Me and mum have almost finished the fifth season of How To Get Away With ******, (hopefully you've now watched season 6 and figured out what the hell is going on!!!), and I don't think I realised until today how much of a big impact it has had on me. I don't think I've admired anyone more than Annalise Keating. I know she's fictional, but she's incredible. She has made me love myself, which hopefully works out for you because hopefully you are loving yourself more than ever. Things I love so much about you is how kind you are, which I often take as being a pushover, which we can be, but my goodness you have a big heart. And with all that loving and helping everyone else you do, letting them enter your heart, surely there's enough room for one 19 year old who just wants to be happy :). The things I thought I hated about myself / us, are the things that make us, us. The dimples in your cheeks when you smile, and your smile which can be as wide as the Cheshire Cat's when you're laughing. Your eyes which have seen so much, but still can be just as kind when you really look into them, and the creases under them when you smile just proves how much laughing you've done when you're with the right people. The way you are with the kids makes me want to be that girl everyday. I am currently a mess, but aren't some messes beautiful? I'm a work in progress, but I promise you I will work my arse off to make sure that when you receive this, you're as happy as you can be and so loved by yourself. And if you're not? Well, you've survived 100% of your worst days yet. That's 21 years worth. But if you still have your dynamos, can see the kids, have your loving family, a roof over your head, and food on the table, then that's all you need to get through the bad days. There's always sunshine if you look for it, there's always something to laugh or smile about, and there for sure is something beautiful in everyday. You were created with a perfect palette. A palette of intelligence, stubbornness, humour, passion, and beauty and lots more that I'm willing to look into myself to find, for you. I don't know what the future holds, but I will make a future, for you, for me. Love, 19 year old me x

Epilogue

about 2 years later

Dear 19 year old me,

Wow, sometimes I think past me is more wise than current me, but we are the same person so I have that wisdom somewhere ha!...

.
Ot seidpu 23 htta oh(w dan ,nwo oyu egdcahn im’ fiel in my tler,te) in my tloelpecmy down tnlagki eyar ts12 rea. Raye it eth tbes ym wsa worts efli and of. Hdrbayit otn a ’ndsaom‘y a ugthhor 1st2 sa eewr taegr ew was ,one ym rgohu me chatp ddhciet gnogi ym. It ouhghoutrt hemt lla by iugmbrlnc wthi the het ellitt ayn of eb meoc nowd reetspebm nkow n’uldtow i nad ddi wduol er,ya that i awy edfsrni. Githm htta e’iv cdrie yuo eghnou orf boht btu ,uyo ndto’ coksh or eth spe,ut eamk su orr,wy fo. Oimmsetes ythe adn ttah ea’rnt watn w,onk you seem thwa all to poepel i. Ufsleor, seoarn aery tihkn of era omfr ouy rnaduo os ew ym eeoplp aer ttha lcnttosayn tsuj iutln anmy ehtre ttha taht t21s lltite era we teh os indt’d it tsap eielsra. Pdperod i laso i ttah nenyitlse tou nad meceab iaiudcsl ,arey n’dtid edugtara. Woh tino loev lwuod osmenoe my epspdli ygoa… htwi unfodwne eifl nda pu i gto for edn ielv btu uhttwoi to hhuortg ebal itnd’d nowk how otn it i a i bgnie. Uor celthlmi. Iths uodlw in yrgnhetevi tgrhi dlowr, is hs’e adn sutj she htta tloyclpmee uoy mih psctveieepr my achegnd em, on voel life. .
I ihtw yjlu dtgagunira yrae :12 0232 in arey fof bcka i 21st up in ddi i aegduardt a ym wnte raeft edn me, dna a uin hohgtu. Uoy so dpuor lwdou be. I uodpr am so. A etgsibg seaidtriotns catemnieehv ot :) firts asw of nda gneib ffo my ts’i glcineolusn nedde pu ,on wef netcoeirpp tead, eth i on a and ym srkam.
.
Vlnigi vree a adn uto nbee ie,dr i hitw nisdeico pu tsbe teh btu l,ecimtlh dedne it’s vingmo. A kohcs olt eistnasitord fo a ghirt inwrgti asw a,ery rdngdaa it slat and urth, diemdl nad eht ym it dide ni. Ntoi uoy ,ohem ctul’nod udcol ihm uoy uot pceolu wtreo ttah dna i adh i hsnmot to go faetr at et,tlre but tefra kolcod,wn lla llte ouy ihm go swih a ivtsi a fo to aynayw eh oyu ees eomc dna. Euvrinse bad sah onkw os oruy kcab )illw, efle n’otd oyu (i eth.
.
Rshtee atht uoy i i isgtnh eltl whsi doluc. I fo elik oyu uorpd hwo ma. Kenrid ni ot teral aws i swih fo 4 nmtemo yuo teh i arsey asedtin how. Ihaelgn utb i ou,y am i reimspo. I ma nad rkinogw slmyfe leuosfr wsa uro ew htan ma to hicld lfmyse lhea gbein d’nto i anirdw eil,k ahtt lhae ikdenr enb,e oseht fo su nnrie i ot on stapr erev mrof rdoebb vahe to. Tib we otu ietllt ftear eesacbu have !ee!)t,rlt inwgitr etrna’ hpwesen nda adn ihgrt i’m ’di llwe hpensew pmiong 3th1 a ecsein and i rthadbiy (sey lyrtcruen gnigo 4 ew oruy am sa eldpeh a as htgsin hrroteb tihs no uro ufond w,no. Atht but rwnigok i toeihsgnm on ma is. Rsobdnaeui i os tuhr ’dnot no efel am rkgwnoi anormey ew tath iths. Is ton ton lade hwti tyssiilbnipeor ,su ohdl pepesol ot ti rou eocatspetinx to are orus heort eyth fo. Tol a y’roeu kwon i fo nad nohgdil htta. ’its okya ptu yuo githns tseho owdn nltlegi ot m’i. Uoy okya to poelep is’t tnodpsiiap olve. Tsi’ baeesuc not rthei eif,l it’s ruosy. Neo hosuld gdnio wath ash esucaeb ouy eesl lfie eb ot yte’hre oyu on inglvi dna lelt hldot’usn ciycapta nto eht uryo. Rea ehty oury igodn ot csrocieseas eietssnws oeur’y tryliae ahtw thta all era to. Me tnnghio sarmtet. Helosdv’u hvae hvea ersinevu ruoy llwi ti het if uwlod ti ,cabk deehpn,ap. Ti i yuo wthtiuo nda cemtlilh htat ufyll ntihngki ap(tar i semprio scendoisi emad hgtrhou nay firts ofmr navh’et. . )o?vle nca sceua owh tfigh. On lla of be tlteer of txpfearhedyi i syoadmn otu ifnedsr okwn the tshi us nigbe tno yol’ul htiw. Reofc c’nat stih in lefi gisthn tub oyu. Reew ryh’tee ton fro wnok ceah tbu yhet tno for it tehy d’otn ohter dogo oodg ,us. Uoy rdhpfisnie so rome fo wtha dan inveg ptye aer erew ouy eeidevcr hmcu are elvo eht nad uhcm os hrwot you and htna ertbte. End end mdebla nad asw ehty hsiw hte nmoasd,y witohtu rea ruoy phrnifsedi cbeuaes ti an i(hwch cuold odallwe on treoh em) to hsngit hnet ot cmeo ti nhew ehty caatkt wrkaawd bgnie sehco teh ut,o tahw i i an tuc si to su oto alsyinetpor ot uro btu loolefdw say. Evhtye’ hewn si rwl,od het otn the hitnnkgi fo aer noen all rea rotwh oyu but you snetasisn eyuvo’ twrho eilk solt hiwt aedettr and u’reyo btauo opelep sbeeauc. To dsay hte innetd yo,u treuuf ym msfyl,e su i fo ni dspen yrothw ibgen adn.
.
Rys,or i’m.
Origefv speael e,m.
Ou,y ahtnk.
Evol i uoy.
.
Evl,o.
Dlo me 32 eary x.

This user has written an update to this letter.To see what they wrote, please

Press ← and → on your keyboard to move between letters

Write new comment

Load more comments