A letter from April 10th, 2020

Peaceful right?

Dear FutureMe, If I'm right, (which I am ofc), today is your 21st birthday. Happy birthday E <3 Who'd have thought we'd get here?? I hope you are getting spoiled, by yourself, and remembering that not all birthdays are terrible :). I hope you still have your dynamos (you better, 'cause they're the bestest friends in the world), to party with, but not TOO hard, 'cause we know how that ends! At this current time, you're probably in the middle (I hope in the middle, please don't procrastinate!!), of writing your dissertation on whatever you have chosen! (I still currently think it should be about white privilege in society, but I won't be mad if you choose something better / easier to research :) ). You've nearly graduated, which is a huge achievement, and you should be extremely proud of yourself for everything you've achieved. You may even have a boyfriend by this time, but don't worry if you don't, boys are overrated ;). As I'm sitting here rn, on my bed, at 8:15pm on a Friday night, in a global pandemic where we have been in lockdown for 15 days (and I / you have been in self isolation for about 29 days), I thought I'd tell you how much I love you. 2020 so far has definitely been a rollercoaster, if you remember, March - now has been the hardest. But you are so worth it. I don't think I know anyone more worth it than you. Don't ever let anyone take you for granted. You are worth so much more than someone just picking you up and using you, but if that does happen, pick yourself up. You've picked yourself up from rock bottom before, you can do it again. With the state of the world at the minute, its easy to crawl back into that part of yourself, who doesn't actually know how much you're actually worth.. (I'm aware I've used 'worth' like 50 times but hey i'm not one with words as we both know). And even though you've done that, for those 29 (and more) days, that doesn't make you weak, or any less what you're worth (again.. I know). The point I'm trying to make is, life is continuously kicking you / us / me down, but you CHOOSE life. Everytime. And that's something to be **** proud of. Like a dandelion through the pavement, I persist. Me and mum have almost finished the fifth season of How To Get Away With ******, (hopefully you've now watched season 6 and figured out what the hell is going on!!!), and I don't think I realised until today how much of a big impact it has had on me. I don't think I've admired anyone more than Annalise Keating. I know she's fictional, but she's incredible. She has made me love myself, which hopefully works out for you because hopefully you are loving yourself more than ever. Things I love so much about you is how kind you are, which I often take as being a pushover, which we can be, but my goodness you have a big heart. And with all that loving and helping everyone else you do, letting them enter your heart, surely there's enough room for one 19 year old who just wants to be happy :). The things I thought I hated about myself / us, are the things that make us, us. The dimples in your cheeks when you smile, and your smile which can be as wide as the Cheshire Cat's when you're laughing. Your eyes which have seen so much, but still can be just as kind when you really look into them, and the creases under them when you smile just proves how much laughing you've done when you're with the right people. The way you are with the kids makes me want to be that girl everyday. I am currently a mess, but aren't some messes beautiful? I'm a work in progress, but I promise you I will work my arse off to make sure that when you receive this, you're as happy as you can be and so loved by yourself. And if you're not? Well, you've survived 100% of your worst days yet. That's 21 years worth. But if you still have your dynamos, can see the kids, have your loving family, a roof over your head, and food on the table, then that's all you need to get through the bad days. There's always sunshine if you look for it, there's always something to laugh or smile about, and there for sure is something beautiful in everyday. You were created with a perfect palette. A palette of intelligence, stubbornness, humour, passion, and beauty and lots more that I'm willing to look into myself to find, for you. I don't know what the future holds, but I will make a future, for you, for me. Love, 19 year old me x

Epilogue

about 2 years later

Dear 19 year old me,

Wow, sometimes I think past me is more wise than current me, but we are the same person so I have that wisdom somewhere ha!...

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In 32 wodn my nwo, ilef ’mi h(wo antlkig pdieus oyu htta cemlypoetl ni dna rea )eerttl, my s1t2 geanhcd year ot. Asw of srotw setb dna eifl eht ym raye ti. Horug ym nto niggo ayihrbtd were icddeht n‘ysmo’ad me a as gorhhut o,en atcph we was eartg a my t21s. Come het i of that era,y rsbmetpee nrbglucim hmte by the owdn did ti ayn ttleli eb hhuootrgtu do’utnlw i lla owkn endirsf adn would ihwt awy. Unohge or for t’odn us o,yu thob that the gtihm cirde spue,t ve’i of kcsho tbu you r,oryw kaem. Antw pelpoe i o,nwk dan htye anetr’ htat yuo to sommieets htaw all emes. Itnkh so that seoanr oyu yatnolstcn aodnru htta erya we rea it eleppo we oufresl, nyam ear romf so ituln hatt nddit’ asreile fo etillt stju eht tehre my rea spat 1t2s. ’didnt ladiicus nda i mcaeeb esyilnent sola e,ayr pdedpro trgeaaud i ttha uot. It ndnweofu rfo ubt toni ot not nad ogt hwo dpelpsi ebgin y…oag i i aelb tuiowth lvie ditn’d rhgthou msooeen my ohw iefl uodlw pu evol a twih owkn i end. Tllcehim uor. Rdowl, ni envhyitgre seh’ tihs my vesepertipc ihm ouwdl feil atht tloelmpecy hse ecdnahg tsuj si em, eovl hrtgi and oyu on. .
Rduagntiga edn fof eray kacb i 2203 iun a ym a pu uylj thhgou htiw in 21st traef me, etwn daedgtuar in ddi 12: i i dan eyra. Ldouw os eb uoy dupro. Ma os rdoup i. A bgtgeis rmkas ffo tnepprocei dan tis’ i hmivecnteea ym e,atd fo on bgien to eth istnraeotsid a ndede on, wsa adn rtisf ): soulneglinc fwe pu ym.
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A nda tuo the gniilv pu ended reve s’it sbte i enbe lietlm,ch gimvon doiensic rd,ie tbu htiw. Ginriwt a nda daagdnr eth emildd okshc ni tstiredsoian ddei saw it a ,erya it of trhu, alts lto rthgi my dna. Otu fo he ertfa adn a a go aerft at ubt lelt i see all noti sviti eettr,l ouy ulepco doulc mhi mhi ot yuo ouy ohtnms m,oeh udolt’nc had i ,dnkowcol ot uoy ceom awnayy and hwis that eotrw og. Oury het abd hsa knwo ’ondt uoy nrueesiv (i bkac llw)i, so lfee.
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Letl ttah tgsnhi yuo etrehs lucdo i i shiw. I ordpu ma ouy fo woh elki. I swa raeys eanisdt wshi i you hte mnmeot ohw rltea 4 in of dienrk to. I utb i ma oemsirp inheagl yu,o. Ma on ma of our rstpa ,lkei irawdn ’otnd ew asw i i to giwnrko enirn fmlyes ot ahev nda nbgei reev htat hsteo oerslfu e,ben ikernd tnha hlea lcdih i aehl us lmsyfe ot frmo oebdrb. Tihs giong itsgnh nsepewh a uro hpeedl i w,no lletti udofn ew nad m’i lelw as t1h3 pmigon !,reett)l! aeuescb faert ihrtg and nt’rae tib 4 siecen a we i’d out psnheew bteohrr uryo as sey( veah dan dbratyhi trulnyerc ma no giwntir. Ma kronigw is btu on i stoeigmhn thta. I htis on so ew hatt leef ginrokw niabersduo ’dnot uhrt am eyrmaon. Fo soru ruo ethy iwth to dale rssptloneibiyi is aer spleeop ot enpeoiatstcx dloh u,s nto tno hteor it. ’yreuo wnok fo nad a ohglind i tath tlo. Yoka ndwo tpu ’mi ehsto oyu ot sthgni glelint ’sti. You peeolp nsiipodpat t’is oevl oaky to. Ist’ ecausbe irteh ie,fl its’ ton yuros. Hdsulo pacytcai htaw oyu etll ahs iniglv eecbusa ton ielf uroy eon and you yt’reeh teh no lsee indgo ot dl’huostn be. Ear lla royu ndogi eseicrscsao atth yeth aieltyr era ruy’eo ot ot stsienswe hawt. Tnnhogi setrtam me. It ehap,nedp wloud b,akc aehv lliw nirvuese vhea fi eth it your l’esudhov. Ouy tirfs yulfl rofm (patra that i nda whuotit avhe’nt psreimo ayn guhtrho lelmtich ti dnssoicei hntnkiig amde i. . ?elvo) cna eusac ftgih who. Ont stih yoadsnm fo eb lo’uly ndfiser lal on twih wokn eht of eihfpayedrxt tou lrtete us enbig i. Htisgn iths in ifel btu t’anc eforc uyo. Onwk us, ’ryeteh tyeh ubt otn rfo ceah good weer d’nto rof ont teyh htore dogo ti. Os mchu chmu trbete enhsdpiifr ovle tnah ouy wtha so eth etpy howtr rae dcveiree uoy igvne nda nad reom dan erew ear uoy of. Ot )em chsoe ctu elabmd abecesu twiuhot teh i tenh no it snhgit yas hic(hw ,samonyd too uor whsi emoc royu ot awdkwar an an are rteoh dne to ttakac aldleow it dan i su si nde to ubt yteh cloud tapsonyelir ut,o ingeb tehy aws het ledoofwl phidnefsri htwa wneh. Tols ouy nda all ssteiansn ton uyo oepple reuo’y ucbeeas dor,lw tihw noen tveeyh’ is teh hwort ear enwh teh of utb rea dttaeer ouatb euoyv’ ihitgknn wtorh keli. Dna su to entidn lsefmy, u,oy my etuurf aysd densp in nebgi eth hoyrwt i fo.
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’mi ry,osr.
E,m orgvife selepa.
Anhtk ,yuo.
Velo oyu i.
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,voel.
Dlo 32 em x yera.

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