A letter from April 10th, 2020

Peaceful right?

Dear FutureMe, If I'm right, (which I am ofc), today is your 21st birthday. Happy birthday E <3 Who'd have thought we'd get here?? I hope you are getting spoiled, by yourself, and remembering that not all birthdays are terrible :). I hope you still have your dynamos (you better, 'cause they're the bestest friends in the world), to party with, but not TOO hard, 'cause we know how that ends! At this current time, you're probably in the middle (I hope in the middle, please don't procrastinate!!), of writing your dissertation on whatever you have chosen! (I still currently think it should be about white privilege in society, but I won't be mad if you choose something better / easier to research :) ). You've nearly graduated, which is a huge achievement, and you should be extremely proud of yourself for everything you've achieved. You may even have a boyfriend by this time, but don't worry if you don't, boys are overrated ;). As I'm sitting here rn, on my bed, at 8:15pm on a Friday night, in a global pandemic where we have been in lockdown for 15 days (and I / you have been in self isolation for about 29 days), I thought I'd tell you how much I love you. 2020 so far has definitely been a rollercoaster, if you remember, March - now has been the hardest. But you are so worth it. I don't think I know anyone more worth it than you. Don't ever let anyone take you for granted. You are worth so much more than someone just picking you up and using you, but if that does happen, pick yourself up. You've picked yourself up from rock bottom before, you can do it again. With the state of the world at the minute, its easy to crawl back into that part of yourself, who doesn't actually know how much you're actually worth.. (I'm aware I've used 'worth' like 50 times but hey i'm not one with words as we both know). And even though you've done that, for those 29 (and more) days, that doesn't make you weak, or any less what you're worth (again.. I know). The point I'm trying to make is, life is continuously kicking you / us / me down, but you CHOOSE life. Everytime. And that's something to be **** proud of. Like a dandelion through the pavement, I persist. Me and mum have almost finished the fifth season of How To Get Away With ******, (hopefully you've now watched season 6 and figured out what the hell is going on!!!), and I don't think I realised until today how much of a big impact it has had on me. I don't think I've admired anyone more than Annalise Keating. I know she's fictional, but she's incredible. She has made me love myself, which hopefully works out for you because hopefully you are loving yourself more than ever. Things I love so much about you is how kind you are, which I often take as being a pushover, which we can be, but my goodness you have a big heart. And with all that loving and helping everyone else you do, letting them enter your heart, surely there's enough room for one 19 year old who just wants to be happy :). The things I thought I hated about myself / us, are the things that make us, us. The dimples in your cheeks when you smile, and your smile which can be as wide as the Cheshire Cat's when you're laughing. Your eyes which have seen so much, but still can be just as kind when you really look into them, and the creases under them when you smile just proves how much laughing you've done when you're with the right people. The way you are with the kids makes me want to be that girl everyday. I am currently a mess, but aren't some messes beautiful? I'm a work in progress, but I promise you I will work my arse off to make sure that when you receive this, you're as happy as you can be and so loved by yourself. And if you're not? Well, you've survived 100% of your worst days yet. That's 21 years worth. But if you still have your dynamos, can see the kids, have your loving family, a roof over your head, and food on the table, then that's all you need to get through the bad days. There's always sunshine if you look for it, there's always something to laugh or smile about, and there for sure is something beautiful in everyday. You were created with a perfect palette. A palette of intelligence, stubbornness, humour, passion, and beauty and lots more that I'm willing to look into myself to find, for you. I don't know what the future holds, but I will make a future, for you, for me. Love, 19 year old me x

Epilogue

about 2 years later

Dear 19 year old me,

Wow, sometimes I think past me is more wise than current me, but we are the same person so I have that wisdom somewhere ha!...

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23 l)et,rte and kalting flie (woh omectplyle in n,ow nodw my ym raye idesup canhegd aer hatt ni m’i s21t oyu ot. My of tseb adn flie eth it aws yare srwot. Hugohrt was my bidahrty sa ew capht oe,n tddheic a guhro em my mony‘s’da 21st tno wree a grtae ongig. Nowd yaw itlelt het that idd i yan kwno fo inedsfr ti emht coem bgilmrucn ae,yr udwlo nad odt’ulwn i yb iwht lla ouohurthtg eb het pbeetsrem. Ofr ryrwo, that hte gnoehu us gmiht kema coksh of oyu ro n’tod ,uoy obht ’iev utps,e ircde tbu. Ouy lal ahtt i ot want nda seme wo,nk anet’r wtha ehyt eteismoms oplepe. Uoy ew anurdo suoef,lr ear ear aislere lelitt rea ymna thnki fo so ti we atth sapt utiln os pelope dnd’ti the sujt orfm arnsoe ahtt anolnstcyt t21s ehtre my atht eayr. Dpreopd taht losa ’dtdni i adusiilc amceeb i dna utgreada setnyleni out ary,e. Blea ohgtrhu wuold tbu it ohw my pu liev to ihwtuto hitw a for ddnit’ i oknw i otin oesmoen lfie ton and ohw wfundnoe lveo edn bineg yoga… tog i pspdiel. Letlhimc oru. ,me sutj feil cenhgda ,wlord she hrtig uyo mih ni se’h ttha dwuol stih my hvireygnte pcmeleoytl nad is etprpveecsi eovl on. .
Akbc aeyr in ni raye hwit erdtuaagd 1:2 den raetf my ffo pu inu idd a a i tnew s21t htouhg i i dan ggdintruaa jylu 2320 ,me. Eb os uyo doupr dwolu. Doupr i ma os. I egisbgt deden a nda to teh asw fwe fitsr ym otienpepcr bnieg fo ts’i up adn de,at n,o aidtesisnrto :) a antmichveee rmska my cesnonugill off no.
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Eendd pu gimvno tou lihtmec,l a csediino i nvgiil eth tebs btu nda enbe ’sit hitw erve deri,. Lot and edid t,urh het tals asw ritnigw in ea,ry my riatesnoitds dleidm ti dna shcko a a ti of thgri ddrgaan. Adn ouy you i ot traef ta oculd ,eelrtt a m,eho tuo ecmo dah a nda uyo retfa but tion notmhs go lal vitsi yanawy shiw colnwo,dk uocple ttha rteow ultcnd’o ot eh of mhi mih uoy i og see ltel. I( ash hte onkw yuo uroy os cabk esinrveu l,lwi) bad td’no elfe.
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Hisw oulcd ouy tehrse shitng atth llte i i. Am you purdo fo ohw i kiel. Woh was daseitn eth i to endkri esary rtlae ni yuo fo i ihws motmne 4. ,yuo eaghiln am i meospri i ubt. Cidhl i am eflyms ,enbe nad alhe rfloeus rnnei elha emslfy ond’t htan no of ot ruo bebdro le,ki i iwognrk kiredn srpat we geinb vere mfor am hesot haev i us to niadrw to atht swa. 4 as ew raen’t nad efrat fduon gtisnh esicen ggnoi rceulynrt cusabee 3ht1 vahe no out !!t,leetr) hirtg dan itigrnw and ew ’im elwl a oruy am i yhrbtiad bit a sa ’di eelphd rrhobte wn,o our ngmiop wnpeesh hits wphnese (yes ettill. Am emshitngo i nkrigow ubt htat si no. Hatt yomeanr ’tdon on krwinog os ma leef uhtr htis ew nadoibersu i. Otn to hwit u,s to cipeoettnaxs not dolh fo lpoepes uor pstyiliresinob oehtr ti usor eyht dale ear si. I doglhin olt nwok a adn of ry’ueo atht. Uoy i’m ndwo ayok it’s tgsinh osteh nglteil to tpu. Loev to olpeep ykao ppdaitiosn ouy its’. St’i osruy ’tis lf,ie nto besueca tirhe. Eyte’rh het uroy gondi lese adn twah eb hsdnut’ol hsa no lvnigi caueesb tno you ptcayaci letl flei ot should eno ouy. Hwta estienwss ot ttah lal ersoaescsci ruyo to eitarly era ear iondg roeu’y hyte. Asettrm em ginthon. Wlil eht vahe fi avhe esviurne ryuo ti it dwluo ’dhovuesl npeeap,dh cbka,. Yuo dna tath i rofm itfrs ha’tnve ouhrgth ti edma ocnseidis uoithtw i lufly nay tar(ap ihltlmec msoepir ithnignk. . Acn v?)loe hftig suace owh. Be hist tno engib on dynsaom trfpehiedayx riefdsn teetrl eht uto of with fo su y’oull i all kown. Ouy cefro in hgtins utb this lfie natc’. But ton ogod ,su ehyt eyht for nwko d’ont aceh godo it ey’tehr nto rfo tehro eewr. So thna dna yuo rea you mchu eetbrt hawt of given sfnhrdiepi nad nda eorm so rwee uoy vleo rea towrh eecirdve umhc teh ytep. Ti coseh yas yhte too is sihw em) na hwne end gebni it wtah oru rdiehnifsp are dbmeal su cmeo uocld tbu teohr ldewfool to enth ot rkdwaaw oury cihh(w ktacat i asw lotesyipnra on nda to cesabue i ohiutwt the ,sdaymno cut lolaewd edn ot ightns an yeth eth u,to. D,rlwo vhtye’e rwhot ihingtkn leppeo nwhe eht rae eo’yur o’uyve eth yuo ubt rea othrw hwti ecesabu dna slot sensisnta nto nnoe is rteeatd all of yuo lkei butao. I dan to eufrtu ym rythwo ni sdnep ydas dinnte ouy, biegn fo eht f,elmys us.
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Yo,srr i’m.
E,m frievgo aelsep.
Htank you,.
Uoy i olev.
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,leov.
Me lod yera 32 x.

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