A letter from April 10th, 2020

Peaceful right?

Dear FutureMe, If I'm right, (which I am ofc), today is your 21st birthday. Happy birthday E <3 Who'd have thought we'd get here?? I hope you are getting spoiled, by yourself, and remembering that not all birthdays are terrible :). I hope you still have your dynamos (you better, 'cause they're the bestest friends in the world), to party with, but not TOO hard, 'cause we know how that ends! At this current time, you're probably in the middle (I hope in the middle, please don't procrastinate!!), of writing your dissertation on whatever you have chosen! (I still currently think it should be about white privilege in society, but I won't be mad if you choose something better / easier to research :) ). You've nearly graduated, which is a huge achievement, and you should be extremely proud of yourself for everything you've achieved. You may even have a boyfriend by this time, but don't worry if you don't, boys are overrated ;). As I'm sitting here rn, on my bed, at 8:15pm on a Friday night, in a global pandemic where we have been in lockdown for 15 days (and I / you have been in self isolation for about 29 days), I thought I'd tell you how much I love you. 2020 so far has definitely been a rollercoaster, if you remember, March - now has been the hardest. But you are so worth it. I don't think I know anyone more worth it than you. Don't ever let anyone take you for granted. You are worth so much more than someone just picking you up and using you, but if that does happen, pick yourself up. You've picked yourself up from rock bottom before, you can do it again. With the state of the world at the minute, its easy to crawl back into that part of yourself, who doesn't actually know how much you're actually worth.. (I'm aware I've used 'worth' like 50 times but hey i'm not one with words as we both know). And even though you've done that, for those 29 (and more) days, that doesn't make you weak, or any less what you're worth (again.. I know). The point I'm trying to make is, life is continuously kicking you / us / me down, but you CHOOSE life. Everytime. And that's something to be **** proud of. Like a dandelion through the pavement, I persist. Me and mum have almost finished the fifth season of How To Get Away With ******, (hopefully you've now watched season 6 and figured out what the hell is going on!!!), and I don't think I realised until today how much of a big impact it has had on me. I don't think I've admired anyone more than Annalise Keating. I know she's fictional, but she's incredible. She has made me love myself, which hopefully works out for you because hopefully you are loving yourself more than ever. Things I love so much about you is how kind you are, which I often take as being a pushover, which we can be, but my goodness you have a big heart. And with all that loving and helping everyone else you do, letting them enter your heart, surely there's enough room for one 19 year old who just wants to be happy :). The things I thought I hated about myself / us, are the things that make us, us. The dimples in your cheeks when you smile, and your smile which can be as wide as the Cheshire Cat's when you're laughing. Your eyes which have seen so much, but still can be just as kind when you really look into them, and the creases under them when you smile just proves how much laughing you've done when you're with the right people. The way you are with the kids makes me want to be that girl everyday. I am currently a mess, but aren't some messes beautiful? I'm a work in progress, but I promise you I will work my arse off to make sure that when you receive this, you're as happy as you can be and so loved by yourself. And if you're not? Well, you've survived 100% of your worst days yet. That's 21 years worth. But if you still have your dynamos, can see the kids, have your loving family, a roof over your head, and food on the table, then that's all you need to get through the bad days. There's always sunshine if you look for it, there's always something to laugh or smile about, and there for sure is something beautiful in everyday. You were created with a perfect palette. A palette of intelligence, stubbornness, humour, passion, and beauty and lots more that I'm willing to look into myself to find, for you. I don't know what the future holds, but I will make a future, for you, for me. Love, 19 year old me x

Epilogue

about 2 years later

Dear 19 year old me,

Wow, sometimes I think past me is more wise than current me, but we are the same person so I have that wisdom somewhere ha!...

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Ni gtliank seudip eayr to elfi 2s1t dan ym mtyepelcol dnwo in ehdcang my ttah o(wh 32 you e,tlert) ’im ,wno are. Ti esbt ym of wosrt nad hte lief asw eray. My idtched em neo, dhtrabyi trgae my aws a ew a thugroh otn erwe ohgru dany’ms‘o 1ts2 ginog sa hpact. Nya owlud iltelt ttha tiwh yaw ifrndse wond lal donw’tul r,yae ocem yb luinrmcgb the okwn rptmsebee hgthuorout het ddi i eb fo emth ti i nad. Rof ttah hcoks hbot of i’ve oyu utb ,oyu mkae rrywo, thmig s,pute egouhn or iecrd het odtn’ su. Emse htey ouy nrae’t want to what i nda lal ,wnko lpepeo atht teoimssem. Rnasoe ahtt so jtsu lunti that atth omfr ’dtdin lse,uorf csltonnaty rseleai 2t1s teh opelpe uodarn rea we aer yrea oyu we rhtee apts fo llttei yman so ym it ear think. Idn’dt rpddoep adn taudgera aols ulsdiaic tleineyns i i aye,r cbemea tuo atht. Eeomosn bgein i a fuennwod ovel ogt i feil ilve hhugrot to uwlod thiw dd’tin den woh it tion up orf how tbu dna ipsledp g…yao uttowhi lbea ont i owkn ym. Telmchli uro. My ihtrg owdrl, e’hs hits si cnedahg ovel lfie wodlu on rvegtheyin thta em, seh sjtu ni ihm epteclmloy nda sveeitcprpe oyu. .
,me pu raey ddi twne a tgidaragnu in fof etdaduagr htiw acbk etfra i dne ym 3202 i ni 12: a eyra i yujl iun and 2s1t gohuht. Urpdo dluow be yuo os. I doupr am so. Eenpipcort eendd no gebtgsi d,tae ulsneinocgl het i and ): pu fof my gnibe adn ym ewf swa a rsitf of tosrinaetdsi on, s’it mrkas ot eenicahvemt a.
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Eenb ended up tou and itwh a i insiecod btse s’it but mgivno cmh,ltiel erev eht iglivn reid,. Lddemi nadrdag a ti a of nrtwiig aslt ,eayr my eth ti otl idde hr,ut dna orntditsiesa ni kcosh aws irtgh dan. Yuo of wdkol,con wynaya ot moce i niot afrte trwoe and ,letter ta all oh,em tath dha go nmthos ot uyo he hisw a istiv tuo ihm ubt dna ihm i lelt ese aertf eluocp a yuo go cuodl u’dcntol uyo. I( elef ill),w yuo know abd kbac sineuevr het sah so uroy d’otn.
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Tsgnih ttha i eltl rheest hsiw i ouy udcol. Who i uoy fo elik updro am. Hisw to ni edtnsai dekrin 4 asw lerat seyra meomnt of eth i oyu i owh. Tbu am pseorim i you, iehgnla i. On naiwdr idclh we nad fymels oigkrnw nrnie elah i igbne us enrikd vree i ma uor lmsefy eahl i ot to rofm ot heav htna bobdre seofrul am hatt was ekil, theos ben,e tarps of ndot’. 31ht sbeacue di’ grhit gwnirit gniog a terl,te!)! sthi leedhp weepsnh nwo, our eatrn’ lrrucntye a wheepns ftear no dityrbha unodf igmopn we ’mi yoru tou e(ys as sa i 4 ibt dna nad dna ew snceei tbhorre lewl iltlte am ahev hsitgn. Ma ionstmghe on okwginr that tub is i. D’not thta nrbeosiaud am i htsi yroeanm no we uhtr eefl so orikngw. Ibloypriitssen it not dlho to dale orus u,s etpcsxaeonti are tyeh si rou of tno thiw peploes rohte ot. Gndloih i tlo rouy’e dna a wnok ttha fo. Hotes st’i ndow im’ yuo kyoa ptu ighsnt ltgeiln to. Ouy dispotpain levo ykoa peolpe tis’ ot. Nto beecsua uoysr s’it eriht i,efl tsi’. Ryuo lhsodu yptcaica inogd lviign uyo ont hte ucbeaes trehy’e be atwh dna one slee ilef uyo to sah lnotsh’du llte on. To esnwetssi roaiccsssee gdoni all ’uroye ot htat airltye ehty uory are what are. Msettar otignhn me. Dwlou vahe will it aveh oury ,kbca eth ti if elodhvus’ en,apehdp sieerunv. Yuo ohhturg i yan ’nhteva and mrfo idsnocise lfylu igihtnnk taht tutiwoh hmclilte (parta ftris mead orpsiem i it. . Who e)l?vo caeus anc tigfh. Be dfensir of lla on wkon ton etfrxdypihea itsh htwi su fo i hte uto ylo’lu rtelte egnbi manyods. Uoy btu ni nsthig isht tnc’a elfi crfoe. Hyte doog tree’yh erew btu hcae ofr wnko godo rfo eyht it ton rehot dotn’ ont ,us. Owhtr veign nda aer so wtah humc ewre vleo dna hant you ertebt chum era revdecie hfneipdsir yuo adn tpye teh of remo uyo so. Owlodfle rihpnsfied i namdsy,o yas nda ot htore ned on wdaolle thye to i nstigh ocem eht to oto na u,ot end ctu ihc(hw e)m heosc ti bueecsa hisw tktaca to eyth pensyltario twah eht rea tbu enwh aws an si amlbed su nhte kdawarw dlcou uroy igenb it uiwtoth rou. Lla ighknnit tohrw ruoye’ not eth tub olst y’ehtve adn hte cuaebes is edttaer iwth lpoeep fo rwoth are rea nssitaesn wldro, hnwe yuo uoabt ilke y’eouv onen ouy. My uoy, ngbie ndient i enpds troywh ,lfemys su and dysa fureut fo in ot the.
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Rr,syo mi’.
Eaepsl efiovrg e,m.
,you ahtnk.
Lvoe i oyu.
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Eo,lv.
Yaer me x lod 23.

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