A letter from April 10th, 2020

Peaceful right?

Dear FutureMe, If I'm right, (which I am ofc), today is your 21st birthday. Happy birthday E <3 Who'd have thought we'd get here?? I hope you are getting spoiled, by yourself, and remembering that not all birthdays are terrible :). I hope you still have your dynamos (you better, 'cause they're the bestest friends in the world), to party with, but not TOO hard, 'cause we know how that ends! At this current time, you're probably in the middle (I hope in the middle, please don't procrastinate!!), of writing your dissertation on whatever you have chosen! (I still currently think it should be about white privilege in society, but I won't be mad if you choose something better / easier to research :) ). You've nearly graduated, which is a huge achievement, and you should be extremely proud of yourself for everything you've achieved. You may even have a boyfriend by this time, but don't worry if you don't, boys are overrated ;). As I'm sitting here rn, on my bed, at 8:15pm on a Friday night, in a global pandemic where we have been in lockdown for 15 days (and I / you have been in self isolation for about 29 days), I thought I'd tell you how much I love you. 2020 so far has definitely been a rollercoaster, if you remember, March - now has been the hardest. But you are so worth it. I don't think I know anyone more worth it than you. Don't ever let anyone take you for granted. You are worth so much more than someone just picking you up and using you, but if that does happen, pick yourself up. You've picked yourself up from rock bottom before, you can do it again. With the state of the world at the minute, its easy to crawl back into that part of yourself, who doesn't actually know how much you're actually worth.. (I'm aware I've used 'worth' like 50 times but hey i'm not one with words as we both know). And even though you've done that, for those 29 (and more) days, that doesn't make you weak, or any less what you're worth (again.. I know). The point I'm trying to make is, life is continuously kicking you / us / me down, but you CHOOSE life. Everytime. And that's something to be **** proud of. Like a dandelion through the pavement, I persist. Me and mum have almost finished the fifth season of How To Get Away With ******, (hopefully you've now watched season 6 and figured out what the hell is going on!!!), and I don't think I realised until today how much of a big impact it has had on me. I don't think I've admired anyone more than Annalise Keating. I know she's fictional, but she's incredible. She has made me love myself, which hopefully works out for you because hopefully you are loving yourself more than ever. Things I love so much about you is how kind you are, which I often take as being a pushover, which we can be, but my goodness you have a big heart. And with all that loving and helping everyone else you do, letting them enter your heart, surely there's enough room for one 19 year old who just wants to be happy :). The things I thought I hated about myself / us, are the things that make us, us. The dimples in your cheeks when you smile, and your smile which can be as wide as the Cheshire Cat's when you're laughing. Your eyes which have seen so much, but still can be just as kind when you really look into them, and the creases under them when you smile just proves how much laughing you've done when you're with the right people. The way you are with the kids makes me want to be that girl everyday. I am currently a mess, but aren't some messes beautiful? I'm a work in progress, but I promise you I will work my arse off to make sure that when you receive this, you're as happy as you can be and so loved by yourself. And if you're not? Well, you've survived 100% of your worst days yet. That's 21 years worth. But if you still have your dynamos, can see the kids, have your loving family, a roof over your head, and food on the table, then that's all you need to get through the bad days. There's always sunshine if you look for it, there's always something to laugh or smile about, and there for sure is something beautiful in everyday. You were created with a perfect palette. A palette of intelligence, stubbornness, humour, passion, and beauty and lots more that I'm willing to look into myself to find, for you. I don't know what the future holds, but I will make a future, for you, for me. Love, 19 year old me x

Epilogue

about 2 years later

Dear 19 year old me,

Wow, sometimes I think past me is more wise than current me, but we are the same person so I have that wisdom somewhere ha!...

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Tlkngia adn ot aer o(wh you flei eayr eypctoleml w,on in 23 1ts2 ni ’mi ym ym ttr,le)e tath ndgeach iusedp nwdo. It life dan sebt srtwo my eth fo reya aws. Dhdetic ym san’‘dyom tgohruh we ugrho tphac grtae a em ont idtyrhab as my s21t saw ,neo a rewe nggoi. Bestperem emoc did luowd of dnwo ettill i by meth htiw t’odunlw the be i ayw taht a,rye eht and orguutothh it any lla nfedsri mbrgncilu owkn. Unoghe ,orywr chsko fo e,tups ouy us dceir hotb uyo, tdno’ eht akme hatt ev’i or tub fro mtigh. Smee eleopp wath adn all ot tnaw stiememso i yeht er’ant wonk, uoy ahtt. Aer the era my so ormf osearn laisere satp 1s2t ereth arey jtsu that lcnantotys os ti we atth era htta oduanr nluti nyam tihkn lepoep we ’tddin uyo oers,ufl iettll of. R,eay gaetuadr opdrpde sdaciiul i ceabem dna osal i einynlest tath otu tdind’. Adn wtih oeeosnm i duenwfon did’nt end ealb gyoa… ovle lefi ogt oknw uolwd a eilv i ont owh ttwiuoh pu but to ilpdsep my ughothr onit ofr i who ti bengi. Miclelht uor. E’hs usjt ovle in nad ehs ouldw is moeyetpcll eifl hmi drwl,o thgri me, on my etpisveecpr that trniveygeh you edcnahg hsit. .
A edn bkca i off 0223 i geuadatdr wiht s1t2 ni me, ntwe did uohght in yare iun yera nda up gngduaairt i ylju ym erfta a 12:. You so eb prudo lduwo. Dprou i am os. Eacvmieneht a ym neibg nad dan i :) ewf frtis epoieprtnc off eeddn segigbt eth aws my dasosteirtin ,no on fo a pu onsulgicnle ist’ t,ead kmars ot.
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Vnoigm lcetlih,m i ndede tbes a ride, eebn ’sit pu evre hte ndiecosi tou iivgnl utb dan hiwt. Ti gtihr a of was ni nitigrw rstseaindtio adn rae,y my alst khcos ti a t,hru het elddmi edid ndaargd dan tol. A letl all nad uoy a doclu i uyo k,owcondl ot fraet of cloepu ihws dan uoy uoy had e,omh on’ludct nhmost ot but ywyaan eftra svtii taht ceom go uot at tino mih he mih go ees et,elrt i tewor. Todn’ (i sah royu eht leef so acbk wkon eneruisv lwl,i) bda ouy.
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Uyo i tlel hswi shitng hatt sehrte i cdolu. Ohw i puord leik ma oyu fo. Rlaet endasti nderik owh uyo ot hwsi 4 i wsa het reasy i of in ntemmo. Ma mesproi i utb oyu, laiheng i. Ot orebbd ma elha child ma from nkdrie ptrsa ot ’todn ot i shteo ehav dna su lsefmy slouerf aws evre ew be,en of reinn i ignbe i e,ikl lyefsm hlea ttah on uro kognriw ntha drainw. Hits ’tnera npmgio hgisnt adn a e(sy out nad thrgi tbi rou d’i 4 tbohrre own, i ielttl rouy adn evha euseacb 3th1 a sa lrtcryeun lte!!,re)t deplhe ma iwnrgit fndou ew going esenwph as we ferat sneeic ayrdibht nsehwep on lwle mi’. But thta ohetisgnm am gnkoriw no si i. Ntdo’ am so hrut on enmryoa edrnboiusa ttah tsih i ew elef irgkonw. Usro ti oeeplsp ldea to dhlo ot not hiwt toreh s,u of htye ear eyslpionisbtir xtcsnetpaeoi si ont ruo. Olt kown a ’oeyru i adn ttah fo nhlodig. Oyu s’it put hgtsin igtlnel koay ot odwn those m’i. Eleppo vole ptioaspndi ot s’ti okay yuo. Tis’ is’t heirt ecausbe uyros nto lie,f. To uoy on awth eesl hsluod udlosnh’t oen ouyr iinlvg tell has ’teryeh lefi eucbsae nad atiyaccp not be igond teh you. Ahtt inodg rae y’ouer all to eyrilta wtah niwtssees scrsoesceia yteh rea to uory. Tsarmet ngntioh em. Eiuvnser fi ,hpepeand lwli uldwo a,ckb it vahe vahe eth it oyur use’vdolh. Soedisinc hwtuoti thta and mfor ogurhth ciltmlhe i ra(apt rpoisem vnteha’ it hgnntiki amed nay frtis i fluly ouy. . Who nac gtihf evl?)o aucse. Of be bgnei lretet tou fridesn i tno lal rhydtfpiexea sthi eht wkon fo twih ’oyllu no su aodymsn. Tub in oyu fcero tihs hgisnt tan’c leif. Wokn ofr ont rytee’h it us, hace godo yhet btu otn odog d’not rof eyth erwe ehrto. Hucm hwat muhc so thwro leov rewe are rinhpdsefi yept fo nad dna ienvg het ouy ouy rbttee dna ouy are edivcree os hant mreo. Wsa ysa eth an edn omec enth si ot rwwdaka albedm i tcu gshtin hpfrsdieni beceaus uwottih uo,t hwsi ot na on rou ot ti edn it bnegi ear aktact i(chwh ot het lucod dlwloae thye wnhe oto su utb oreht htwa yoru cheos dna mdsonya, edlfolow taorelsyipn i )em yhte. Thwi tslo owtrh hrwto era leki erdtate sistsenan ev’tyeh oeyu’r ,lrodw leoepp nto lla dan eht fo ecsueba tbu uoabt ouve’y wneh oyu uyo hnntiigk is rea eonn hte. Of my tuuref spned ndntie i ot you, the hwryto us ayds sye,fml ni igben dna.
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Yorsr, i’m.
,me eiogfvr aplees.
Kanht ouy,.
Vleo you i.
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Levo,.
Lod x 23 me year.

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