A letter from April 10th, 2020

Peaceful right?

Dear FutureMe, If I'm right, (which I am ofc), today is your 21st birthday. Happy birthday E <3 Who'd have thought we'd get here?? I hope you are getting spoiled, by yourself, and remembering that not all birthdays are terrible :). I hope you still have your dynamos (you better, 'cause they're the bestest friends in the world), to party with, but not TOO hard, 'cause we know how that ends! At this current time, you're probably in the middle (I hope in the middle, please don't procrastinate!!), of writing your dissertation on whatever you have chosen! (I still currently think it should be about white privilege in society, but I won't be mad if you choose something better / easier to research :) ). You've nearly graduated, which is a huge achievement, and you should be extremely proud of yourself for everything you've achieved. You may even have a boyfriend by this time, but don't worry if you don't, boys are overrated ;). As I'm sitting here rn, on my bed, at 8:15pm on a Friday night, in a global pandemic where we have been in lockdown for 15 days (and I / you have been in self isolation for about 29 days), I thought I'd tell you how much I love you. 2020 so far has definitely been a rollercoaster, if you remember, March - now has been the hardest. But you are so worth it. I don't think I know anyone more worth it than you. Don't ever let anyone take you for granted. You are worth so much more than someone just picking you up and using you, but if that does happen, pick yourself up. You've picked yourself up from rock bottom before, you can do it again. With the state of the world at the minute, its easy to crawl back into that part of yourself, who doesn't actually know how much you're actually worth.. (I'm aware I've used 'worth' like 50 times but hey i'm not one with words as we both know). And even though you've done that, for those 29 (and more) days, that doesn't make you weak, or any less what you're worth (again.. I know). The point I'm trying to make is, life is continuously kicking you / us / me down, but you CHOOSE life. Everytime. And that's something to be **** proud of. Like a dandelion through the pavement, I persist. Me and mum have almost finished the fifth season of How To Get Away With ******, (hopefully you've now watched season 6 and figured out what the hell is going on!!!), and I don't think I realised until today how much of a big impact it has had on me. I don't think I've admired anyone more than Annalise Keating. I know she's fictional, but she's incredible. She has made me love myself, which hopefully works out for you because hopefully you are loving yourself more than ever. Things I love so much about you is how kind you are, which I often take as being a pushover, which we can be, but my goodness you have a big heart. And with all that loving and helping everyone else you do, letting them enter your heart, surely there's enough room for one 19 year old who just wants to be happy :). The things I thought I hated about myself / us, are the things that make us, us. The dimples in your cheeks when you smile, and your smile which can be as wide as the Cheshire Cat's when you're laughing. Your eyes which have seen so much, but still can be just as kind when you really look into them, and the creases under them when you smile just proves how much laughing you've done when you're with the right people. The way you are with the kids makes me want to be that girl everyday. I am currently a mess, but aren't some messes beautiful? I'm a work in progress, but I promise you I will work my arse off to make sure that when you receive this, you're as happy as you can be and so loved by yourself. And if you're not? Well, you've survived 100% of your worst days yet. That's 21 years worth. But if you still have your dynamos, can see the kids, have your loving family, a roof over your head, and food on the table, then that's all you need to get through the bad days. There's always sunshine if you look for it, there's always something to laugh or smile about, and there for sure is something beautiful in everyday. You were created with a perfect palette. A palette of intelligence, stubbornness, humour, passion, and beauty and lots more that I'm willing to look into myself to find, for you. I don't know what the future holds, but I will make a future, for you, for me. Love, 19 year old me x

Epilogue

about 2 years later

Dear 19 year old me,

Wow, sometimes I think past me is more wise than current me, but we are the same person so I have that wisdom somewhere ha!...

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Ym et,lt)re pedusi rea that ym dnwo 23 in plltomecey dehnacg owh( ni 2ts1 to flie ngatikl uyo wo,n m’i yare and. Ti toswr of lfie wsa het arye ym esbt nad. Saw itdbhrya em oggni 1s2t rwee otn a a as uhgtohr ,one my soydnma’‘ we tdihedc geart ym ghuor capht. Htat hte eb wnod any eayr, ebsmprete llttei umicbrgln ulowd kwon i teh thiw it idd i yb tmhe dna ouwdntl’ ceom ersndfi guhttoohur all of ywa. Esup,t you make enghou i’ev for fo shcko teh othb us utb cried o,yu mhigt or ryro,w no’td htta. Wko,n setimmseo ’ertna ouy athw htta to nda ehyt wnat all esem leoepp i. Ourand os thta ear rneaso atth htta isereal we tuiln aeyr eht hiktn rae trehe snttnlcoya ym we e,uslofr nt’did plpeoe uoy spta jtsu mnya 1ts2 teltli romf ear fo so it. Pdoredp ea,yr ennysleit that i ceabem lsoa iuadsicl id’ndt i out and agtuedra. Owudl rof lbea i iengb woh my it aog…y toni live a ohw ot nwko ton itdn’d end tub i i ifel dna iledspp tihw nemesoo otg otrguhh towthiu pu nweuofnd elov. Mtlhiecl uor. Gahdcen eopltclmey fiel wodlu no ustj ehs’ ovle is yuo mhi she ni lrdwo, my sith htta m,e thgri adn ieceptrepsv tgeryhnvei. .
Reya 2032 i ujly i in idtgguarna ni st12 bcak nda etnw i did aeyr a edn thhoug uni ffo my htiw e,m rfeta a 12: tgdeduaar up. Be uoy uwold pduro so. Os i rpduo am. ,edta o,n tievhenaecm to a i ’sit my ): the pierctnpeo adn ym ewf fo iiodsentrats gbgtsei nslclegnoiu niegb ffo srkam up fistr adn saw no dedne a.
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Nedciios uto tbu ilgniv nbee ivgnom a di,er ’its vree sbet pu cmltiel,h i ddeen htiw nda eht. Idde seistirdotan a u,trh ym and meddil irgtwin oksch it eth ardndga nda asw a of in aslt otl gihtr ,arye ti. Moec dha ivist ese uoy olcud hmi tlel wreto dan dutn’clo ta ,heom i og oyu tub e,trlet and mih a go uoy of ferat ot tou a ncwkloo,d i ot hatt awayny otsnmh raetf uyo leuopc lla hswi he ntoi. I( the onwk l),ilw dab os eusenrvi odn’t yuo ouyr abkc ash leef.
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Shiw atht gnihts dcolu i htrsee uoy i eltl. Of i odurp ohw ma oyu ielk. I uyo het 4 swih erindk ot fo sayer atelr omtmen wsa i ni ndtiase ohw. Henglai i but mpioers yu,o am i. Deobbr nigkrwo shtoe on ofmr yslfem to am to was ma us to tdo’n i patrs ilk,e athn flmyes uor rdiwan olfuesr i erve ew heav thta and dekrni egibn n,bee of aelh chdil aehl i niren. D’i rihtdbay a ntighs ahve iltlte auebesc enscie hist tbi rhorbte out gniog 4 we sa we inwgrit sneweph eaftr uor ionmpg ),tet!lre! adn sye( ’im onduf no nw,o am t31h at’enr oyru dehelp hrtgi eewpnsh as a adn adn rtunlcrye elwl i. Msthigeno i on ma is utb gnoirwk htta. Os we hatt siht ringwok i htur leef on’td on ma omnyrae dbuanoeris. Uor ont oldh ,us slinoebysiirtp yhet of ti etohr not hiwt tpiseetncxoa ot dlea ousr eslopep ot rea is. Yeo’ur i tlo kwno dan of atht ilndgoh a. To owdn okya utp ihngst gtlenil ’ist ’mi uoy otehs. Ppleeo oaky sit’ psptidonai vole uyo to. Nto ts’i etihr usoyr cbsaeeu fl,ei sti’. Asubece hsa slodhu you ouy feil thwa otn and on l’othndus lsee tell the eon lgnvii pcayacti be oingd royu to tyrhe’e. To to ear atth euro’y indog aisseocescr eewnstiss htwa they lertiya all are yuro. Me raetsmt ohtnngi. Irnsveeu uryo it if ahpe,ednp vahe het lwil odwlu a,ckb ’uholsved vaeh it. Adn ecnsiidos i rifts morf ltelmchi it atth ’hntave yullf ormsepi uyo aat(rp maed khingnti i ohrguht uttohiw any. . Ghift l?ev)o uesac can ohw. Us yansomd i fo all feirsnd eb rtleet drteepxhfyai nto eht nebgi tou of thsi luylo’ no konw thiw. In gnshti ilef cfroe t’nca uoy tub siht. Y’three tbu ’otdn ogdo ewre orf it wkon ont dgoo ecah ythe oerht ofr us, tno thye. Cmhu etpy dna fo owtrh gvnie hcum eolv nda ouy ceirevde mero thaw teh were ttrebe rea so era dna os uoy pihdsrinfe uoy tanh. To ot ihngst bgnei i hte ecom was ctu an dan an uldoc yrou are ldolfewo too enwh edn neth tatkca ned to orhet tu,o us i ti alwoeld ubt to ythe e)m het htey krwadwa iwhch( on ays mysd,aon wsih rou it ihttuow csaueeb hatw si ldemab otlisearynp cheos hfpidiensr. Eikl ethv’ye eht none not hiwt hwtro dan santessni oelppe lost era era trohw tbu yuo is dtereta eht urey’o yuo of all ebeausc ginintkh tauob ldor,w uo’yve wnhe. Gnebi esyl,fm ym su oyu, wytrho i pesnd fo in adn ydsa to uetruf edintn hte.
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’mi ,yorrs.
Me, lesape vreoigf.
,you akhnt.
Velo you i.
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L,veo.
Dlo x arey em 23.

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