A letter from April 10th, 2020

Peaceful right?

Dear FutureMe, If I'm right, (which I am ofc), today is your 21st birthday. Happy birthday E <3 Who'd have thought we'd get here?? I hope you are getting spoiled, by yourself, and remembering that not all birthdays are terrible :). I hope you still have your dynamos (you better, 'cause they're the bestest friends in the world), to party with, but not TOO hard, 'cause we know how that ends! At this current time, you're probably in the middle (I hope in the middle, please don't procrastinate!!), of writing your dissertation on whatever you have chosen! (I still currently think it should be about white privilege in society, but I won't be mad if you choose something better / easier to research :) ). You've nearly graduated, which is a huge achievement, and you should be extremely proud of yourself for everything you've achieved. You may even have a boyfriend by this time, but don't worry if you don't, boys are overrated ;). As I'm sitting here rn, on my bed, at 8:15pm on a Friday night, in a global pandemic where we have been in lockdown for 15 days (and I / you have been in self isolation for about 29 days), I thought I'd tell you how much I love you. 2020 so far has definitely been a rollercoaster, if you remember, March - now has been the hardest. But you are so worth it. I don't think I know anyone more worth it than you. Don't ever let anyone take you for granted. You are worth so much more than someone just picking you up and using you, but if that does happen, pick yourself up. You've picked yourself up from rock bottom before, you can do it again. With the state of the world at the minute, its easy to crawl back into that part of yourself, who doesn't actually know how much you're actually worth.. (I'm aware I've used 'worth' like 50 times but hey i'm not one with words as we both know). And even though you've done that, for those 29 (and more) days, that doesn't make you weak, or any less what you're worth (again.. I know). The point I'm trying to make is, life is continuously kicking you / us / me down, but you CHOOSE life. Everytime. And that's something to be **** proud of. Like a dandelion through the pavement, I persist. Me and mum have almost finished the fifth season of How To Get Away With ******, (hopefully you've now watched season 6 and figured out what the hell is going on!!!), and I don't think I realised until today how much of a big impact it has had on me. I don't think I've admired anyone more than Annalise Keating. I know she's fictional, but she's incredible. She has made me love myself, which hopefully works out for you because hopefully you are loving yourself more than ever. Things I love so much about you is how kind you are, which I often take as being a pushover, which we can be, but my goodness you have a big heart. And with all that loving and helping everyone else you do, letting them enter your heart, surely there's enough room for one 19 year old who just wants to be happy :). The things I thought I hated about myself / us, are the things that make us, us. The dimples in your cheeks when you smile, and your smile which can be as wide as the Cheshire Cat's when you're laughing. Your eyes which have seen so much, but still can be just as kind when you really look into them, and the creases under them when you smile just proves how much laughing you've done when you're with the right people. The way you are with the kids makes me want to be that girl everyday. I am currently a mess, but aren't some messes beautiful? I'm a work in progress, but I promise you I will work my arse off to make sure that when you receive this, you're as happy as you can be and so loved by yourself. And if you're not? Well, you've survived 100% of your worst days yet. That's 21 years worth. But if you still have your dynamos, can see the kids, have your loving family, a roof over your head, and food on the table, then that's all you need to get through the bad days. There's always sunshine if you look for it, there's always something to laugh or smile about, and there for sure is something beautiful in everyday. You were created with a perfect palette. A palette of intelligence, stubbornness, humour, passion, and beauty and lots more that I'm willing to look into myself to find, for you. I don't know what the future holds, but I will make a future, for you, for me. Love, 19 year old me x

Epilogue

about 2 years later

Dear 19 year old me,

Wow, sometimes I think past me is more wise than current me, but we are the same person so I have that wisdom somewhere ha!...

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Klgaint in ouy to ni 12st r,ee)ttl ym ayer mi’ on,w and my 23 nodw aer ahtt agcehdn pisdue how( ilfe letyopemlc. Of adn ym eht leif saw eyar ti bset wsort. Etgra ym em tohugrh ym tryadibh a 21st ciedtdh eerw a nto as nggoi y‘dnsm’ao asw apcth oe,n hurog ew. Nad eb wthi hte ulmgbirnc all wya atth idd wkon ttlile owlud ouhruogtht of cmeo yan by efsnidr ti meretbesp eth ’utonwld odwn temh i reay, i. Ouy ercdi csokh hte mkea ryw,ro ttha y,uo hbot ro t’nod rfo eiv’ tbu u,tesp itghm negohu su fo. Ostseemmi seme i they wn,ok to yuo lla htaw tnwa nad ttha elppoe rntae’. Saoren eelaisr eth ew rae hetre lancoytnst poplee ymna my are ousfl,er rdnoua ttha of st21 itkhn os uyo era ryae atht eitllt os usjt from we iddt’n litnu thta tpas ti. Yae,r i rppddoe nda i d’ndit slao ttha acidulsi emcabe teinslney tdagraeu tou. Lveo dt’nid pu it for kwon tog yaog… ot feli utb nde owh ym owh totihwu ilev i woudl emoeons ton i bael a tghuhor i nbieg dna iton wthi uwfdnone pplsdie. Hmtlecli rou. Juts egndhac ympoelcelt vloe w,odlr dan atht rhetynvige no lefi esvireptcep is ni hes em, ouy esh’ ym tsih ithgr doulw ihm. .
End luyj i pu uin in tenw my aetrf hthoug ddi ,em 0223 raye a a :12 s2t1 i wtih udgratiagn bcka year and ni i off adgaertdu. Owlud ourpd os uoy be. So ma i ordpu. Karms swa ndeed on ym eht my nad a fo ffo ): vhenmteciea trsif oenippectr tggbsei a ingbe and i pu tirdneostisa ulsngicelno n,o da,et ot ewf it’s.
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A ebst i tuo dedne ei,dr up adn noeiicds hte reve lngivi t’si ie,lcmlth nebe movgin hwit but. The edimld tlsa of yr,ae ti inirgtw rndgaad ym a trh,u esstaronditi was chsko olt dna ti adn rthgi idde ni a. Mih tell into ta owklodnc, to moce i tld’cnuo ubt he dan adn lla out imh oterw waayny uoy ees iitvs fo adh mtoshn thta ouy aftre you og hwis oepcul yuo go to oudcl etert,l eafrt a i a e,moh. Teh hsa uoy svnueire bda okwn lfee so )lw,il i( ton’d oyru bkac.
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Esetrh uyo odulc eltl gitsnh i taht i hsiw. Of am dupor woh yuo i ikle. Teh woh i aws nsaited uoy wish easry oetmnm ltera ot ni fo i 4 kdiren. I y,uo i nliaheg tub peimsro am. Iebng am en,eb evre no aehl nda i syfelm kirnde i nenir ihcld d’nto aleh tsohe ot ot leysmf ehav we us saw ogwinrk uersofl i tspra debrob kl,ie of ma nawidr ot ahtt ofrm hnta rou. Tou nfuod nad broterh d’i lwle sa i (yes ryou nda tish suecbae r!elt!)et, recyurltn ’mi riwgtni we a ’tanre pseehwn dna ydabithr reaft rhtig as igngo t31h isenec wneeshp 4 ettlil mgniop wno, eedhpl we heva a am itgnhs on ibt oru. I thta si gkronwi but am on tmgosheni. No we eelf ttah am n’otd i hutr os ihts onrwgik aserdibuno nmyroea. To su, lpepeso of ti rsuo otn hldo to etcspxtioean srlesiptyiobin uro is hiwt ehyt aeld herto tno rea. A and i tlo ’eoryu onwk fo dhliogn atth. Kaoy uyo ’mi ot tgsinh dnwo nlitleg ist’ tup hesto. Niidptaosp lvoe eoelpp uoy to i’st oyka. Not roysu ertih bucesea i’ts ,elif ist’. No ruoy tcacyaip eceasbu neo elif oyu lnvgii oyu be ngdio awth etehr’y the sah dntulo’hs esel otn llet shdlou dna ot. ’ueyro uryo htwa thye ytarile aer to all ot ahtt arseissecoc gnodi aer essnewits. Nhgitno tmsetra em. Eahv if evhl’duos vsnuerei rouy it pdneep,ah ti llwi teh lowdu kcab, veah. Rfits emrpois ti tath i anvhte’ hltlecim meda rofm ulyfl nay urhogth arap(t and uoy tiuowth ntikingh onciisdes i. . Ihgft cna v?le)o seauc woh. Tno iwth fo shit xiytdpaehfer ndsifre eb all of lylou’ otu egnib the us i sdanyom nkwo no eetrtl. Oefcr btu ilef ni tc’an thsgni ouy htsi. Rof good ’ryeeht rheto ehyt otn ehac ofr tbu ont ewre it yeth ogdo to’dn wnok s,u. Dna mchu wath you wohtr aer pfndriishe terteb veol so tpye reom and you eveeidrc rae so tanh gnive cumh were eth ouy nad of. Ahtw caeeusb teh damo,syn hisw era den when yriaetolsnp olcud to na utb an hsceo edlwalo edn tyhe i almbed tcaatk asw eomc no ngieb threo the e)m dloewofl i(whhc ihuottw rou enth yteh ysa to tcu ot to awrakdw it oto edsiihnprf si it uory i nad itshgn o,ut su. Atnsnisse tworh het utabo wtohr reu’oy yevth’e rlow,d uoy all igkhtnin ouy and ear hitw tlos of keli aer si opeelp eonn tub rtedtea enwh hte escubae uveo’y ont. Fo dysa i and twhyro su yl,esfm uo,y urfute ibnge eht in my teindn nesdp to.
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I’m o,yrrs.
Aseelp iorgevf m,e.
Nktha ou,y.
Voel i uyo.
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Lo,ve.
23 x aery em ldo.

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