A letter from April 10th, 2020

Peaceful right?

Dear FutureMe, If I'm right, (which I am ofc), today is your 21st birthday. Happy birthday E <3 Who'd have thought we'd get here?? I hope you are getting spoiled, by yourself, and remembering that not all birthdays are terrible :). I hope you still have your dynamos (you better, 'cause they're the bestest friends in the world), to party with, but not TOO hard, 'cause we know how that ends! At this current time, you're probably in the middle (I hope in the middle, please don't procrastinate!!), of writing your dissertation on whatever you have chosen! (I still currently think it should be about white privilege in society, but I won't be mad if you choose something better / easier to research :) ). You've nearly graduated, which is a huge achievement, and you should be extremely proud of yourself for everything you've achieved. You may even have a boyfriend by this time, but don't worry if you don't, boys are overrated ;). As I'm sitting here rn, on my bed, at 8:15pm on a Friday night, in a global pandemic where we have been in lockdown for 15 days (and I / you have been in self isolation for about 29 days), I thought I'd tell you how much I love you. 2020 so far has definitely been a rollercoaster, if you remember, March - now has been the hardest. But you are so worth it. I don't think I know anyone more worth it than you. Don't ever let anyone take you for granted. You are worth so much more than someone just picking you up and using you, but if that does happen, pick yourself up. You've picked yourself up from rock bottom before, you can do it again. With the state of the world at the minute, its easy to crawl back into that part of yourself, who doesn't actually know how much you're actually worth.. (I'm aware I've used 'worth' like 50 times but hey i'm not one with words as we both know). And even though you've done that, for those 29 (and more) days, that doesn't make you weak, or any less what you're worth (again.. I know). The point I'm trying to make is, life is continuously kicking you / us / me down, but you CHOOSE life. Everytime. And that's something to be **** proud of. Like a dandelion through the pavement, I persist. Me and mum have almost finished the fifth season of How To Get Away With ******, (hopefully you've now watched season 6 and figured out what the hell is going on!!!), and I don't think I realised until today how much of a big impact it has had on me. I don't think I've admired anyone more than Annalise Keating. I know she's fictional, but she's incredible. She has made me love myself, which hopefully works out for you because hopefully you are loving yourself more than ever. Things I love so much about you is how kind you are, which I often take as being a pushover, which we can be, but my goodness you have a big heart. And with all that loving and helping everyone else you do, letting them enter your heart, surely there's enough room for one 19 year old who just wants to be happy :). The things I thought I hated about myself / us, are the things that make us, us. The dimples in your cheeks when you smile, and your smile which can be as wide as the Cheshire Cat's when you're laughing. Your eyes which have seen so much, but still can be just as kind when you really look into them, and the creases under them when you smile just proves how much laughing you've done when you're with the right people. The way you are with the kids makes me want to be that girl everyday. I am currently a mess, but aren't some messes beautiful? I'm a work in progress, but I promise you I will work my arse off to make sure that when you receive this, you're as happy as you can be and so loved by yourself. And if you're not? Well, you've survived 100% of your worst days yet. That's 21 years worth. But if you still have your dynamos, can see the kids, have your loving family, a roof over your head, and food on the table, then that's all you need to get through the bad days. There's always sunshine if you look for it, there's always something to laugh or smile about, and there for sure is something beautiful in everyday. You were created with a perfect palette. A palette of intelligence, stubbornness, humour, passion, and beauty and lots more that I'm willing to look into myself to find, for you. I don't know what the future holds, but I will make a future, for you, for me. Love, 19 year old me x

Epilogue

about 2 years later

Dear 19 year old me,

Wow, sometimes I think past me is more wise than current me, but we are the same person so I have that wisdom somewhere ha!...

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Im’ 32 wnod klgntia in ehdgnca ym elif ouy ym taht ot in 12ts adn seudip pymllteeoc rea h(wo ryae ,now )teetr,l. Ti hte and btse file asw tswor ym fo yare. Ew wsa 2st1 niogg teagr a teidcdh a n,eo hatyridb ym atcph as me erew ’ny‘dmsoa my gorhu ohrugth ont. Ntulwdo’ i eht that eth otourghthu all hitw i esbrtmpee them onkw by tleilt dsfrien nya oduwl it fo meco eb onwd rye,a nbgmlicur adn ayw did. Ehgoun might you tbu dreci you, rfo btoh ’evi eth of or tath akme wr,yor d’nto ,tsupe su ocskh. I tner’a onkw, nwta tahw eoelpp emse emmsteios ot uyo ethy nad lal ahtt. So raound rae tsap eyar nuilt mayn atht ew os tknhi my jstu het aer eeplpo it itdn’d t21s ransoe ear we taht that teitll hrtee seareil oytslatncn of mrof uoy ,slueorf. Ilidsuac eienynslt i htat d’intd orpepdd tuo aosl ar,ey bameec i nda tregaaud. Evlo flie egnbi ohw i and i ti ohw den oenmseo a nwdfunoe for dtndi’ tghorhu wtih leiv tbu leba pspledi my iton kwno pu i y…aog iotuhwt got uodlw ot ton. Oru lthlmcie. Opceyltlem h’es ni ouwdl lfei yvegtenhir nad taht ym yuo seh no ecgahdn htirg dlwr,o si eeppsvercit mih usjt elvo thsi me,. .
A rtafe a i thhguo i ntwe nde inu t12s itgngradau tihw 2:1 year 3220 i yujl pu bakc year my egdadtura in off dan in ddi em,. Yuo be so owdul puodr. Am i odrup os. Tsfir askrm to gbstegi cmheaieentv ffo its’ i ym saiettnsidro o,n nda dneed :) begin onetrpicpe a a my fwe wsa of t,ead eth on uoclsenglin up adn.
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Ubt reve gnviom tbes eddne hmci,tlle been dna uto a teh iignlv up rid,e i s’ti tihw sodnieci. Dndagar edid het ochsk hgrti adn rut,h twinrgi a,yer ym ni osdtneiasrti deldmi wsa alst tlo fo ti nad it a a. Uto a ot lucdo hmi but to go uoy had i eh go cemo tion ,meoh trfae you of ,onlwkcdo tl’cnudo at lal nda oyu luocpe letl ftear owrte dna iivst yaawyn a i ttha ert,let ese otmnsh hmi ishw uyo. ,lil)w so adb wkon ’nodt rsuieenv kbca uryo you i( ash efle eth.
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Tlel i cuodl that sghitn shwi trehes i you. Fo you am roupd woh i elik. 4 i swa woh iwsh of seyra neidrk the to i mnmote in asiedtn eartl you. Y,ou utb ma i i smiproe ngaelhi. Tnha of hela i ofrm taht am eylmfs neeb, otdn’ no rvee ahve awirdn kle,i eorufsl wsa nbgei ew ot i to grnoikw riednk su ehla smfley ruo ma dan sratp hcidl nenir oetsh i oerdbb ot. Cbeuaes ’id iponmg sthi brethro a oyru arytbidh ellw i uot ledhpe adn dnuof aveh rructlney letitl a irght rou sa ehepnsw sey( ecsien we 4 tiinwgr adn nad wo,n faert ma 1th3 rnaet’ weehpns we mi’ no iogng t!)relte,! sa bti ithsng. Ahtt nsohemtig no btu owkrnig ma i is. Enoarym on hurt i os eelf griwnko htis ahtt we am abunoidesr nd’to. Lhod elsnpiyortisbi of oru rae hrtoe edla to is orus ot otn pxcneaetstoi eyht tiwh ti ton sleeppo u,s. Wonk yeuo’r a dna tlo i lnhdigo fo hatt. Gsinth onwd upt ’im oyu oehts ’tis to akyo lgnlite. Ayko yuo i’ts podiainstp eolv to elppoe. L,ife ithre sucabee ont sti’ ist’ yours. Dna idgno dhnt’ulso file olhdsu esabecu eht not vingli ry’eeht oyu to tcaayipc yrou no uoy ash eltl eb htwa eesl eno. Are htey all ot rae esetsswni htaw godin ’eoury ylartei ruoy to thta reseoicacss. Ingnhot em msterta. Lduow eavh uoyr sv’oheudl dapnep,he it if snerviue ti ehva cabk, het llwi. Knhgiint iidsnoecs you i htta edam uothrhg it frmo htowuti any tp(aar i lfyul adn v’netah mseorpi htcmilel sfrti. . Ecaus owh l)ev?o fight nac. Uot teh ibgne eirdnsf on ’olluy tish nwok etelrt us dtaeprifhyxe eb twih lla tno of i fo dysmano. Shti cofer uyo ’acnt fiel ignsth ni but. Y’erteh orf odog it tyhe etyh ’ntdo nwko tno toehr us, ubt for nto rewe gdoo aech. Oyu nad so era eht nda nivge omer yuo rae uchm frenhpsiid naht reew muhc of otrhw adn tawh levo rdeievec os pyte oyu etebrt. Etsnyilopar uory hwotiut si i aer ot uocdl thwa ehnt nihpesfdir nde i on doewolfl tctaka it gntihs ethy igbne wakward to teh uct iwsh aws oerht cseebua ehwn but na ot eth to it adolewl cwh(ih moec tou, edn oot an our us seoch m)e and ymdnoa,s yas dablme teyh. Hte of hortw btu tlso peeplo otn rea enwh teh ouy rw,dlo seecbua ssistanne ’ovuey is and ’teeyvh yuo nneo euoy’r iknhting owtrh are aotbu aeretdt twih lal keil. Enntid uefrtu i uy,o su wyrhto of ym eth mfesl,y sady ot nbige and ni psedn.
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I’m rsr,yo.
Foiregv ,me eselpa.
Htakn oy,u.
Oyu elvo i.
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Ovle,.
Yrae 32 em lod x.

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