A letter from April 10th, 2020

Peaceful right?

Dear FutureMe, If I'm right, (which I am ofc), today is your 21st birthday. Happy birthday E <3 Who'd have thought we'd get here?? I hope you are getting spoiled, by yourself, and remembering that not all birthdays are terrible :). I hope you still have your dynamos (you better, 'cause they're the bestest friends in the world), to party with, but not TOO hard, 'cause we know how that ends! At this current time, you're probably in the middle (I hope in the middle, please don't procrastinate!!), of writing your dissertation on whatever you have chosen! (I still currently think it should be about white privilege in society, but I won't be mad if you choose something better / easier to research :) ). You've nearly graduated, which is a huge achievement, and you should be extremely proud of yourself for everything you've achieved. You may even have a boyfriend by this time, but don't worry if you don't, boys are overrated ;). As I'm sitting here rn, on my bed, at 8:15pm on a Friday night, in a global pandemic where we have been in lockdown for 15 days (and I / you have been in self isolation for about 29 days), I thought I'd tell you how much I love you. 2020 so far has definitely been a rollercoaster, if you remember, March - now has been the hardest. But you are so worth it. I don't think I know anyone more worth it than you. Don't ever let anyone take you for granted. You are worth so much more than someone just picking you up and using you, but if that does happen, pick yourself up. You've picked yourself up from rock bottom before, you can do it again. With the state of the world at the minute, its easy to crawl back into that part of yourself, who doesn't actually know how much you're actually worth.. (I'm aware I've used 'worth' like 50 times but hey i'm not one with words as we both know). And even though you've done that, for those 29 (and more) days, that doesn't make you weak, or any less what you're worth (again.. I know). The point I'm trying to make is, life is continuously kicking you / us / me down, but you CHOOSE life. Everytime. And that's something to be **** proud of. Like a dandelion through the pavement, I persist. Me and mum have almost finished the fifth season of How To Get Away With ******, (hopefully you've now watched season 6 and figured out what the hell is going on!!!), and I don't think I realised until today how much of a big impact it has had on me. I don't think I've admired anyone more than Annalise Keating. I know she's fictional, but she's incredible. She has made me love myself, which hopefully works out for you because hopefully you are loving yourself more than ever. Things I love so much about you is how kind you are, which I often take as being a pushover, which we can be, but my goodness you have a big heart. And with all that loving and helping everyone else you do, letting them enter your heart, surely there's enough room for one 19 year old who just wants to be happy :). The things I thought I hated about myself / us, are the things that make us, us. The dimples in your cheeks when you smile, and your smile which can be as wide as the Cheshire Cat's when you're laughing. Your eyes which have seen so much, but still can be just as kind when you really look into them, and the creases under them when you smile just proves how much laughing you've done when you're with the right people. The way you are with the kids makes me want to be that girl everyday. I am currently a mess, but aren't some messes beautiful? I'm a work in progress, but I promise you I will work my arse off to make sure that when you receive this, you're as happy as you can be and so loved by yourself. And if you're not? Well, you've survived 100% of your worst days yet. That's 21 years worth. But if you still have your dynamos, can see the kids, have your loving family, a roof over your head, and food on the table, then that's all you need to get through the bad days. There's always sunshine if you look for it, there's always something to laugh or smile about, and there for sure is something beautiful in everyday. You were created with a perfect palette. A palette of intelligence, stubbornness, humour, passion, and beauty and lots more that I'm willing to look into myself to find, for you. I don't know what the future holds, but I will make a future, for you, for me. Love, 19 year old me x

Epilogue

about 2 years later

Dear 19 year old me,

Wow, sometimes I think past me is more wise than current me, but we are the same person so I have that wisdom somewhere ha!...

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S1t2 my era (how ni oyu ntkagli dsieup ryea nahecgd 32 ’mi ttha nwod pceeylotml nad to lefi ni n,wo rettl,e) my. Fo asw ostrw ym eyra eht eilf it ebts dan. S12t etarg uhhtgro hogru etdhcid amosdy‘’n as me we oen, ton a eerw my ym a ginog rhtbaidy pcath asw. I it ersnidf ddi ebseemptr little teh wnko hte i all yaw tnulw’od htat dwno hmet otuorthuhg eomc fo a,rye ulngbcimr dwluo nya yb wiht eb and. Khcso tbu ,eupst htta ithmg eht fro or kame of huoneg dierc yu,o you ie’v t’odn boht us or,ryw. Ppleoe o,kwn tehy what msee nad oyu that to atwn i semiemtso re’tan lal. We hte of nluit many aer alsreei we htta nonattslyc uoy tsuj os htat e,frosul ptsa ttha rfom st21 htnki pleope hreet eary aurdon aer it itellt ym so aer ’dndit neasor. ,eary cemabe adn i innslytee taegruda slao ahtt csuiiadl i depordp uot ’tdndi. I a up twih it lfie ot and ’nddit i mseoeon nito i my y…oga hugrhto otg duenfwno iwtuoth ebal sledipp olduw but geinb rfo lveo nwok who ont nde vile who. Rou ilmethcl. Ehs tath in emlteyclpo ujst hcganed ’ehs dna iths no levo em, hmi si flie ouy wudlo githr vepstireecp l,dorw eyrivhntge ym. .
Hohtgu ayer lujy nui rggaundtai ni i a trdgduaae yrae wtih :21 rtefa ym fof ackb up i i 2s1t a ni dna ddi ,me dne 2032 wten. Uyo so dulwo dorup be. I os uodpr am. A het i o,n fwe and taed, eecptopirn eddne is’t of my igebn on gtbeigs mkras nda a aws ): nitaossietdr up eavhiemetcn ffo ot irstf ym eglnuncsloi.
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Wthi a tsbe eth uto lechi,tlm eevr ednde neeb dioscein ied,r pu igvmon dan tub st’i i gnivli. Nda aws daetnrsoitsi ti th,ur in dan ti lsat otl a eht a ym edid eiddlm adandgr ra,ey chosk gwtrini ghirt of. Owrte ouy otin mhi uoy i a ouy nlkwoodc, ubt and i fo wish aerft l,ertte a ta see he yuo og hatt ucpeol ayanwy to to lal ohsnmt svtii mhi doulc h,eom go dna uto erfta llet ahd oemc oudtc’nl. Nod’t dab so nveruies illw,) (i nwok yuo ouyr efel hte bcak ash.
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Tlle iwsh yuo nhigts i thta udclo rtshee i. Ouy ma ohw fo odurp i eikl. I ot ni fo teonmm neidkr i sneadit reays hwo hte iwhs uyo 4 asw earlt. Am i iseompr ,oyu i but iaeghln. Ruoefsl i swa dna ehav htat ot dclhi ylemsf rou i am leha of ma been, i to tdon’ kel,i brdeob iennr iwradn asrpt su tanh ohste ingeb rmfo to dnkrei fmslye on we erev ngkoirw alhe. Ondfu pneshew ruo ma ihts lelw pedelh nad sa iwigntr a no i’m we uyro i cntryuerl onw, reaft dna inggo itltel di’ we phneswe sa hobrert imonpg eecnsi vaeh gihtns yiatbhrd a te’nra sey( cuasebe ghtri otu t!)tel,er! 4 3h1t and bti. Si tub gwrikon ma no i hatt hnsgmetoi. So stih uhtr flee dsbaruenio ma we on that knrgwoi oneryma i ndot’. Ear hdlo sobysetinrpiil to itwh otn thye is epelosp oteexpnscait suor ,us etrho ruo it adle of ot ont. Owkn fo ’uroye olt dgniohl i adn tath a. Ownd to tup tehso i’m aoky llgtnie ntsgih uyo i’ts. Okay oyu opleep ’tis lveo spinpoidat ot. Hreit cbesaeu efi,l ont it’s osyru t’si. On yuo e’eyrth ot sludho eb eucesba nda has tno uoy hwat inogd oyur file noluds’ht seel gvlini icyatapc one het ltel. To tyeh oeyu’r are wesssenit soceasesrci ttah lla aer rytiael oury to dongi hwat. Emttrsa me ngitonh. B,akc ti lwli fi it venrseiu ulowd hte evah ,hnppedae volsud’eh have oury. Essincido i soemrpi ithwuto ullfy en’htva nya llietmch ouy it ormf and edma hgnnkiti i htat rtisf apatr( ugtrohh. . Woh nca eusca ghfti el)ov?. Tiwh us shit otn lal ryxthefpeaid tou amosnyd on fo rtetle geibn be knwo het fo i fiersnd uylol’. Eilf but oyu shti ta’nc in rfeco tgshin. Ton ete’hry it aceh doog u,s teroh kown not tbu eewr for dn’to ehyt oodg rfo etyh. Hotrw tpye muhc ntah hawt eht ievgn nda rbette os were eolv rea so adn ouy nad fo uoy cvieeder yuo emro siednfirhp ear cuhm. Nad ot yruo ysa wwkdraa ghnist tou, an m,soadyn reoht swa nifprihsed acatkt ruo ot to na it oeldfwol whttiou eht come tuc malebd si eiayntolsrp hte ot hety too ocdul no i aelldow wneh shceo su i swih eyht ethn ti end hic(wh gineb ecubaes )em aer end tbu htwa. Tlos deertat yueov’ u’ryoe all rea evy’eth is rolwd, liek sueaebc eeplop hiwt uoy and niasesnts ubt newh htorw ohwtr not kinngiht enno fo het are ubota eth ouy. Eth ydas ot dna i ortywh ebgni sfy,lme dnnite of uyo, tfurue psnde ym su ni.
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Mi’ or,syr.
Epasel em, feoivrg.
,yuo atnhk.
Ovel i yuo.
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Vo,el.
Ayre em 23 x lod.

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