A letter from April 10th, 2020

Peaceful right?

Dear FutureMe, If I'm right, (which I am ofc), today is your 21st birthday. Happy birthday E <3 Who'd have thought we'd get here?? I hope you are getting spoiled, by yourself, and remembering that not all birthdays are terrible :). I hope you still have your dynamos (you better, 'cause they're the bestest friends in the world), to party with, but not TOO hard, 'cause we know how that ends! At this current time, you're probably in the middle (I hope in the middle, please don't procrastinate!!), of writing your dissertation on whatever you have chosen! (I still currently think it should be about white privilege in society, but I won't be mad if you choose something better / easier to research :) ). You've nearly graduated, which is a huge achievement, and you should be extremely proud of yourself for everything you've achieved. You may even have a boyfriend by this time, but don't worry if you don't, boys are overrated ;). As I'm sitting here rn, on my bed, at 8:15pm on a Friday night, in a global pandemic where we have been in lockdown for 15 days (and I / you have been in self isolation for about 29 days), I thought I'd tell you how much I love you. 2020 so far has definitely been a rollercoaster, if you remember, March - now has been the hardest. But you are so worth it. I don't think I know anyone more worth it than you. Don't ever let anyone take you for granted. You are worth so much more than someone just picking you up and using you, but if that does happen, pick yourself up. You've picked yourself up from rock bottom before, you can do it again. With the state of the world at the minute, its easy to crawl back into that part of yourself, who doesn't actually know how much you're actually worth.. (I'm aware I've used 'worth' like 50 times but hey i'm not one with words as we both know). And even though you've done that, for those 29 (and more) days, that doesn't make you weak, or any less what you're worth (again.. I know). The point I'm trying to make is, life is continuously kicking you / us / me down, but you CHOOSE life. Everytime. And that's something to be **** proud of. Like a dandelion through the pavement, I persist. Me and mum have almost finished the fifth season of How To Get Away With ******, (hopefully you've now watched season 6 and figured out what the hell is going on!!!), and I don't think I realised until today how much of a big impact it has had on me. I don't think I've admired anyone more than Annalise Keating. I know she's fictional, but she's incredible. She has made me love myself, which hopefully works out for you because hopefully you are loving yourself more than ever. Things I love so much about you is how kind you are, which I often take as being a pushover, which we can be, but my goodness you have a big heart. And with all that loving and helping everyone else you do, letting them enter your heart, surely there's enough room for one 19 year old who just wants to be happy :). The things I thought I hated about myself / us, are the things that make us, us. The dimples in your cheeks when you smile, and your smile which can be as wide as the Cheshire Cat's when you're laughing. Your eyes which have seen so much, but still can be just as kind when you really look into them, and the creases under them when you smile just proves how much laughing you've done when you're with the right people. The way you are with the kids makes me want to be that girl everyday. I am currently a mess, but aren't some messes beautiful? I'm a work in progress, but I promise you I will work my arse off to make sure that when you receive this, you're as happy as you can be and so loved by yourself. And if you're not? Well, you've survived 100% of your worst days yet. That's 21 years worth. But if you still have your dynamos, can see the kids, have your loving family, a roof over your head, and food on the table, then that's all you need to get through the bad days. There's always sunshine if you look for it, there's always something to laugh or smile about, and there for sure is something beautiful in everyday. You were created with a perfect palette. A palette of intelligence, stubbornness, humour, passion, and beauty and lots more that I'm willing to look into myself to find, for you. I don't know what the future holds, but I will make a future, for you, for me. Love, 19 year old me x

Epilogue

about 2 years later

Dear 19 year old me,

Wow, sometimes I think past me is more wise than current me, but we are the same person so I have that wisdom somewhere ha!...

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Htta are im’ te,ertl) ,now ot s2t1 my ni uedspi in 32 ho(w dnwo ceghand kailgtn ym llcpeeoytm flie adn uoy ayer. And year of otswr fiel ti asw ym ebst teh. Heddcit ruhog 1st2 regat oe,n cthpa ‘snodamy’ my ew ityahrbd a sa gogni otuhhgr ym em asw a ton ewre. Ey,ar be lountdw’ nowk ghhuttouro any way i of ndow lal rfneids by coem iwht i het elttil epteemrbs ouwdl it clribunmg eth ddi and tath meth. Iev’ taht mkea btu pt,esu hgmit uo,y us ro eht ofr of diecr yo,wrr eunogh scokh uyo ’tond tbho. You kno,w ta’ner tyhe eesmsiomt msee htta twan loeepp to wath nad lla i. Yanm ltinu fmro ear yuo ondrau eosarn past elriesa rae titlel that eary ew treeh jtus lsyctotann eloepp so htta dnd’it fo ahtt teh ym rea os hnitk 1s2t ew usrf,oel it. Losa otu yr,ea dna that tyisnelne d’dnti aembce ldiciaus i ureaatgd i dpepodr. Tub pu got i bgeni ot dnt’id gyo…a nwok and lvei tuiohtw i ym a ti efil den leov ldouw nito lpesipd feudnnwo wtih fro woh who htuorgh i ont oeomens elab. Thlicmel rou. ,em mih efli dna vregnhiyte hitrg si sh’e dwolu she velo ni dchneag ycmlpleteo thta on ldr,wo ym vecpepertis yuo sjut htis. .
End 2203 my up dueatragd eary in fof refta bkca a 1t2s nwet a ujyl i m,e i uotghh i 2:1 nad ddi urgtgadnia in niu tiwh eary. Ouy os eb oludw ordup. I os ma pudro. No gcnueslinol raksm tsieggb dan my a ibnge ym a ddeen ratieitsodns of ot eeritonpcp ,date ritfs ’its o,n ewf fof i dna up asw avteenmiech ): the.
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Eben i ,lictlhem up uot ignomv but gnivli niosecdi is’t eevr adn ihtw bets a the rei,d edend. Grthi tlas fo adrdgan ocshk a was and ti ioasiensttdr het it trhu, e,ray my ddeiml tlo dan rgtiwin a idde in. Emco mhi ta go otni oyu ouy adn upolce oducl had hiws e,rltte eh and ubt ihm aayynw lal dutnol’c taht a uyo rowte ot h,oem eafrt ese to frate of og istiv a i i you ellt kdno,lwco somthn out. Isreenuv feel uyo abd i( i,wl)l kacb hte tnod’ onkw uyro sah so.
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Sihw i i tlel taht uyo etserh duocl hgsnit. Of ohw ikle produ ma ouy i. To tniadse uyo wsih asery renikd i ni 4 fo eht who asw monmte rtlea i. Am i nehlaig ,uyo i osprmie btu. Meylsf ruo to ikndre ahtt fesmyl aehv o’dtn etsoh ,eikl rnnie b,een hale of am ehal am lhcdi reve aprst gnwkoir i euorsfl i was ahnt erbbod arnidw ngeib i ew from to us no nad to. Yrrtclune tfare a 1h3t gnhist shit odunf i le!r!,tte) ’im eeincs ellw otu our spnewhe eswenph uabcees ibt as ggoni ithgr sa yes( eahv ehpdle ttelli a ew gopmni 4 ma nad nriitgw ,onw nad dhytrbia ’etnra ’di we yuor rtrhoeb on and. Ma nhogemtis i btu ttha no si rwiokgn. Shit to’nd iuoednbrsa i am fele ew no kognriw yaorenm atth urht so. Yhet of uro ton to aedl toitaenspexc ihtw dhlo aer su, ti ot soru liipisebntosyr nto sepeplo si hrtoe. Nda i otl honldgi a ’oreyu of ttah ownk. Thngsi to wdon nigletl yuo kayo m’i htoes tup i’st. Leov ouy ippidsaotn to yoka opeepl tsi’. ,eifl not hrtei ist’ ’tsi oysru ueacseb. Ecbusea acypaitc e’teyhr lhousd htwa eb tlel ivlngi royu igodn nto one oyu on esle to lefi het uyo nda o’nludsht ash. Rae gdoni htey era to re’yuo taht aeyritl to uyor hwta corsaecssie all niwessste. Ignhtno artsetm me. Llwi ruienves it yoru have ,nphepdae haev dulow it uhseo’vdl eht fi akcb,. Ti i (ratpa ceiltlmh ifstr uyo fmor nad eincsoids neh’vat i yna ahtt uohthrg fully tkninghi uhwitto piesrom edam. . Hfitg uaecs how nac )o?lve. Lla atefpyxierdh of wnok uot erltet i ebnig us not eb l’yolu het htwi deinsrf hist of mansdoy on. Utb t’nca ifle oerfc igsnth stih in oyu. Nkow tub ti ’tdno not eyth rof wree orf eotrh su, aceh gdoo nto hetry’e ehty odgo. Riihpensfd twhor hmuc nvige levo uyo eetrtb rae eorm adn teh so nad fo reew rieevedc hwat os nda uhcm pyte you ear athn you. Loweadl the teh floweodl ti chw(hi tcu i i say edn ot dfpinsiher ruo nebgi utb ehosc to baemdl ,tou us ot tyhe an si kactat whta no era teroh ruoy ot oudcl ntihgs they yodanms, iartyeopnsl iswh saw ocme woutith seeubac then and too wawrkad em) it ned nhwe an. Si trowh eth are ihignnkt hwen boaut tlos era ubt uyo wthi like aecubse dna ve’you lal ldo,wr ensasitsn uyo ye’our onen evht’ey owrth ont hte peelop rdteeat of. Mf,lyse ot dpnse ,uoy ysda orwyth nientd teh adn i us my bigne of uuterf in.
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,ryrso ’mi.
Gfrieov e,m please.
Ouy, ahtnk.
I oelv yuo.
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E,vlo.
Yaer x em 32 old.

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