A letter from April 10th, 2020

Peaceful right?

Dear FutureMe, If I'm right, (which I am ofc), today is your 21st birthday. Happy birthday E <3 Who'd have thought we'd get here?? I hope you are getting spoiled, by yourself, and remembering that not all birthdays are terrible :). I hope you still have your dynamos (you better, 'cause they're the bestest friends in the world), to party with, but not TOO hard, 'cause we know how that ends! At this current time, you're probably in the middle (I hope in the middle, please don't procrastinate!!), of writing your dissertation on whatever you have chosen! (I still currently think it should be about white privilege in society, but I won't be mad if you choose something better / easier to research :) ). You've nearly graduated, which is a huge achievement, and you should be extremely proud of yourself for everything you've achieved. You may even have a boyfriend by this time, but don't worry if you don't, boys are overrated ;). As I'm sitting here rn, on my bed, at 8:15pm on a Friday night, in a global pandemic where we have been in lockdown for 15 days (and I / you have been in self isolation for about 29 days), I thought I'd tell you how much I love you. 2020 so far has definitely been a rollercoaster, if you remember, March - now has been the hardest. But you are so worth it. I don't think I know anyone more worth it than you. Don't ever let anyone take you for granted. You are worth so much more than someone just picking you up and using you, but if that does happen, pick yourself up. You've picked yourself up from rock bottom before, you can do it again. With the state of the world at the minute, its easy to crawl back into that part of yourself, who doesn't actually know how much you're actually worth.. (I'm aware I've used 'worth' like 50 times but hey i'm not one with words as we both know). And even though you've done that, for those 29 (and more) days, that doesn't make you weak, or any less what you're worth (again.. I know). The point I'm trying to make is, life is continuously kicking you / us / me down, but you CHOOSE life. Everytime. And that's something to be **** proud of. Like a dandelion through the pavement, I persist. Me and mum have almost finished the fifth season of How To Get Away With ******, (hopefully you've now watched season 6 and figured out what the hell is going on!!!), and I don't think I realised until today how much of a big impact it has had on me. I don't think I've admired anyone more than Annalise Keating. I know she's fictional, but she's incredible. She has made me love myself, which hopefully works out for you because hopefully you are loving yourself more than ever. Things I love so much about you is how kind you are, which I often take as being a pushover, which we can be, but my goodness you have a big heart. And with all that loving and helping everyone else you do, letting them enter your heart, surely there's enough room for one 19 year old who just wants to be happy :). The things I thought I hated about myself / us, are the things that make us, us. The dimples in your cheeks when you smile, and your smile which can be as wide as the Cheshire Cat's when you're laughing. Your eyes which have seen so much, but still can be just as kind when you really look into them, and the creases under them when you smile just proves how much laughing you've done when you're with the right people. The way you are with the kids makes me want to be that girl everyday. I am currently a mess, but aren't some messes beautiful? I'm a work in progress, but I promise you I will work my arse off to make sure that when you receive this, you're as happy as you can be and so loved by yourself. And if you're not? Well, you've survived 100% of your worst days yet. That's 21 years worth. But if you still have your dynamos, can see the kids, have your loving family, a roof over your head, and food on the table, then that's all you need to get through the bad days. There's always sunshine if you look for it, there's always something to laugh or smile about, and there for sure is something beautiful in everyday. You were created with a perfect palette. A palette of intelligence, stubbornness, humour, passion, and beauty and lots more that I'm willing to look into myself to find, for you. I don't know what the future holds, but I will make a future, for you, for me. Love, 19 year old me x

Epilogue

about 2 years later

Dear 19 year old me,

Wow, sometimes I think past me is more wise than current me, but we are the same person so I have that wisdom somewhere ha!...

.
My to 12ts in elylocepmt nad kgiantl m’i h(ow ,own ,)retelt 32 egdcnha in yuo ahtt eray nwdo my isuepd aer ielf. Eray asw twsor lfie teh of dan my tbes it. Onigg tno rgtae sa my gouhrht phtca s2t1 erwe aws em dhtidce a ’‘andyosm a my orhgu ew arytdbih e,on. Dna nwok hohottrguu ocem emth be idd het ugibcnlrm tiltel eth teprsbeem atht yb i fo e,ary lal ayn i ti yaw nltou’dw hwti wndo odwlu dsirnef. Of orw,ry gehonu ouy su the ’ndto akme imhgt boht orf or atht ev’i but yuo, pste,u hcsko irecd. I you dan htaw hety soemtiesm htta nr’eat twna lla nw,ko ot smee plpeoe. Ahtt t1s2 aspt nynttocsal ear reay mayn os romf dranou ttah we iddtn’ usjt hatt eerlias we enrosa fo ear ti three my sorfe,lu aer tiknh os hte ppolee teltil uyo ntuli. Atht iddnt’ nad seynelint sola i ecebma iailsudc proepdd i otu ryea, dreaguat. End islpedp thiw i how denfnowu albe i ivle adn tnidd’ toni i ibgne ttoiuwh up neeomso oy…ag ot uhrhogt a wnko ubt owh evlo my tog rfo nto feil it owdlu. Lclehtmi our. Juts hatt udwlo haegndc ihm ,lwodr leif no si ovle ni ,em ghitr ym nda pirseetevpc isth hse mlotecyelp ivgehrtyen hes’ oyu. .
,me in dna tfrea ntew nde twih year ujly auedatdrg up a t2s1 ym inu eayr i 21: did in guohth a 0223 bkca i ganrgatdiu i off. You dpuor so be luodw. Ma so poudr i. Nglslouinec dna at,de bgiegts was a ,no skmra ndeed a t’si ibnge ym to conetpripe wef i pu ym and the no :) tfsir eeiecmntavh fo iniodtsrtaes ffo.
.
Bene i nad dnoicsei meht,clil oingmv deend eht eerv thwi etbs ivginl tub tou a up i’ts ,ried. A stal aws ldmied nad raye, skhoc a ruh,t ym fo eddi nadadgr olt the it it htgir nad ni girtwni itrasediostn. Lla ahd i meoc ta go a og of uyo imh oetrw upoelc eafrt i ratfe uyo ouy ttah nda uyo ot tvisi tre,tle ywyana ehmo, okclwnd,o imh uto motnsh a loduc ees eh nito ot dan tlle btu nout’cld swih. Kwon bad teh ash ackb uoyr iueesnrv uoy os il,)wl nd’to i( efel.
.
Eltl i ouy ttah rteshe shntgi i ihws duclo. I roudp fo ma who uoy kile. Ni sanedti i aws yuo the i 4 etalr hwo rkeidn of eysra metmno swhi to. Am y,uo nligaeh i btu spremio i. We wkgrino reev lsrfoeu dwrina n’dot of omrf ot ot wsa i yslemf elha i slefym irnne vhae nb,ee ,ekli ma tprsa rebobd uro on dchil that ahle nad ohset i nbgie enikrd ma htan su to. Lwel 4 ett!)re!,l hnpwsee now, as nswephe im’ rwntgii no cebeaus nghits am lehdep i ngogi gmponi aentr’ ndofu ew we itltel a oterbhr th13 nad evah as a and lytrnrcue tiyhbard trigh i’d itb iths ryuo ceiens out adn rou es(y ftaer. Ttah on nrgokiw si tub i shtgiomne ma. On ttha dto’n hutr brnesuoiad omareny ew am elfe rogikwn i tish os. Ot tno hodl tihw eroht nettecaoipxs ,us iotisryslinpbe of ot dale uro eeosplp ont suor ti yhte is rea. Eyuor’ olt htta nad i of lohigdn a nwok. Dnwo ’im ’tsi uyo upt oshet ihtnsg llngiet kyao to. Uoy koay peopel vole tspoidinap ot st’i. Fi,le t’is otn ’sit ihetr auseebc yuors. Ctaycpia no nda ’lduntsoh lnigiv llet yruo eon ot ouy eth ahtw ont ielf slee eeucsba sholud oding tr’heye sha uoy eb. Ot nesiseswt osrcseeaics rytalei htat rae ’ueryo tyhe are ot lal ngoid yuro wath. Me nntoigh ttsearm. P,dhepnae hvae it ti fi ouwld aveh uvsieenr dlhoseuv’ the cbka, ryou lilw. Ismeorp morf utrhgho snesoicid atth uyo i hta’vne dna any ghniintk llufy i fsitr ti (raapt uothiwt daem ciltlehm. . ?e)lvo caeus anc woh thifg. Of thsi bineg ont be uto the on esdfnir noaymsd fo yolu’l wnok letrte peifydterxah su i itwh all. Ouy croef ’ntca hits gnstih eifl ni tbu. U,s yeht dgoo for nwok ton rof haec eh’ryte eyht rhteo otd’n rewe it ubt otn dogo. Ginev fo os dna ouy hatw uoy were moer era chmu iecderev and you hpisneirdf os uchm dan the oelv yept ear hnta thowr ertbet. Ti an athw su hyet etyh ifpnrsehdi an aacttk to loduc ti uor awkwadr tub aldmeb was em) ot teroh to i nitrylaspeo ,uot oehsc ecom to eth ,naoymsd is too yrou hte tuc eoalldw aer cubasee den on nehw otiuhtw dne nad i hiws tehn h(ihcw gienb ysa ollefwod gniths. Are rea of hwen wtohr ton vteeh’y yuo klie y’uvoe the noen btauo casbeue tertaed lsto hiigtnnk hwrto ru’oey and tisenssna epolpe the yuo with ,owrdl si lla tbu. Ysad su to i bineg in ,ouy endps my my,sefl dan of ndneti rtfueu teh ywhrot.
.
Yrro,s mi’.
Oifgrve e,m epelas.
O,yu ankht.
I you veol.
.
V,eol.
Eayr ldo x 23 me.

This user has written an update to this letter.To see what they wrote, please

Press ← and → on your keyboard to move between letters

Write new comment

Load more comments