A letter from April 10th, 2020

Peaceful right?

Dear FutureMe, If I'm right, (which I am ofc), today is your 21st birthday. Happy birthday E <3 Who'd have thought we'd get here?? I hope you are getting spoiled, by yourself, and remembering that not all birthdays are terrible :). I hope you still have your dynamos (you better, 'cause they're the bestest friends in the world), to party with, but not TOO hard, 'cause we know how that ends! At this current time, you're probably in the middle (I hope in the middle, please don't procrastinate!!), of writing your dissertation on whatever you have chosen! (I still currently think it should be about white privilege in society, but I won't be mad if you choose something better / easier to research :) ). You've nearly graduated, which is a huge achievement, and you should be extremely proud of yourself for everything you've achieved. You may even have a boyfriend by this time, but don't worry if you don't, boys are overrated ;). As I'm sitting here rn, on my bed, at 8:15pm on a Friday night, in a global pandemic where we have been in lockdown for 15 days (and I / you have been in self isolation for about 29 days), I thought I'd tell you how much I love you. 2020 so far has definitely been a rollercoaster, if you remember, March - now has been the hardest. But you are so worth it. I don't think I know anyone more worth it than you. Don't ever let anyone take you for granted. You are worth so much more than someone just picking you up and using you, but if that does happen, pick yourself up. You've picked yourself up from rock bottom before, you can do it again. With the state of the world at the minute, its easy to crawl back into that part of yourself, who doesn't actually know how much you're actually worth.. (I'm aware I've used 'worth' like 50 times but hey i'm not one with words as we both know). And even though you've done that, for those 29 (and more) days, that doesn't make you weak, or any less what you're worth (again.. I know). The point I'm trying to make is, life is continuously kicking you / us / me down, but you CHOOSE life. Everytime. And that's something to be **** proud of. Like a dandelion through the pavement, I persist. Me and mum have almost finished the fifth season of How To Get Away With ******, (hopefully you've now watched season 6 and figured out what the hell is going on!!!), and I don't think I realised until today how much of a big impact it has had on me. I don't think I've admired anyone more than Annalise Keating. I know she's fictional, but she's incredible. She has made me love myself, which hopefully works out for you because hopefully you are loving yourself more than ever. Things I love so much about you is how kind you are, which I often take as being a pushover, which we can be, but my goodness you have a big heart. And with all that loving and helping everyone else you do, letting them enter your heart, surely there's enough room for one 19 year old who just wants to be happy :). The things I thought I hated about myself / us, are the things that make us, us. The dimples in your cheeks when you smile, and your smile which can be as wide as the Cheshire Cat's when you're laughing. Your eyes which have seen so much, but still can be just as kind when you really look into them, and the creases under them when you smile just proves how much laughing you've done when you're with the right people. The way you are with the kids makes me want to be that girl everyday. I am currently a mess, but aren't some messes beautiful? I'm a work in progress, but I promise you I will work my arse off to make sure that when you receive this, you're as happy as you can be and so loved by yourself. And if you're not? Well, you've survived 100% of your worst days yet. That's 21 years worth. But if you still have your dynamos, can see the kids, have your loving family, a roof over your head, and food on the table, then that's all you need to get through the bad days. There's always sunshine if you look for it, there's always something to laugh or smile about, and there for sure is something beautiful in everyday. You were created with a perfect palette. A palette of intelligence, stubbornness, humour, passion, and beauty and lots more that I'm willing to look into myself to find, for you. I don't know what the future holds, but I will make a future, for you, for me. Love, 19 year old me x

Epilogue

about 2 years later

Dear 19 year old me,

Wow, sometimes I think past me is more wise than current me, but we are the same person so I have that wisdom somewhere ha!...

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Hatt down yuo (how yera ym to ym ts12 32 aer m’i dan in n,ow ni etcpyoelml dieups gacndhe lief tanikgl etr,let). Ilef strwo ym yrea adn estb of ti saw het. Gruoh ym was sa reew dhytriba t21s tcaph a ,eon me idhcted ym ortghuh oggni a rgaet we ont sod’‘aynm. Tellti way adn i ihtw eth etmh nokw it sndierf yb lwdou n’uwltdo fo gutuohhort yan tath het did cnilrbumg bsprteeem down mcoe be aey,r lal i. Ubt ohsck emka ihmgt vei’ fro ,uoy ttha ouy eptu,s o,rryw od’nt of ognehu eidrc the or us boht. I dan tnwa nw,ko ot ttha hwat peelpo you eoismmste all at’nre htye eems. It ppeloe t1s2 so thta omrf ym oyu nhtki hte era stju nmay ttnosylnca leiltt era tspa ttha fo eleisra e,sfruol teehr we so tidd’n rea ttah rsnaoe tiuln arye duorna we. Intdd’ aeebmc atth trdeaagu lauicids sloa arey, i i dorpedp nteilsnye nda out. Doulw i not rfo i it onsmoee lppedis i who …yaog leov nkow a ym nde ohw aebl ilve otg to ewdnunfo ottwuhi onit einbg hgourth twih dna tdnid’ up eifl ubt. Our imceltlh. Nda my ihm is em, vhgtinryee evol psecpreveit that eilf pemlocteyl louwd juts she’ ni rtghi cgheand no wlrod, you tihs she. .
2302 21: ni a ouhhgt arngugaitd em, 12st nui ffo i ddi i and teddugaar yaer htiw ryae ni nwet bkca pu i a my lyuj frtea end. Oyu be rpoud so uwdlo. Odpur so i ma. Ngbei a it’s tae,d teh i nad up itgbesg skarm my frtis efw aws ot pponetceri elungnoicsl of my ,on enehteamciv ffo no rtssineoidat ): ednde adn a.
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Erve i neeb tub i,erd a sbet ithw the tis’ omgniv elthi,mcl iglivn ndede tou and odsineic pu. My and ghrit tirenatdssio a and ni edilmd ti tlo ,thru are,y eht ti dnaagdr stal eddi a was wgniirt hcsok of. Ywanya yuo but ese ttha rteel,t i hm,oe tluod’cn ecmo ishw shntom uyo adn you mih all oculd dha to of uto etll a a wlnckoo,d eorwt ta etfra he uoy sivti faert to lepocu onit i and go go imh. Ouy okwn ash cbka ’dnto efel dab hte oryu (i i),wll so euensvri.
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Oldcu i wihs i ltle snthig ouy ttha eesthr. Am like who i rdoup fo ouy. Ouy in mmonet 4 to nkedri i atler woh shwi saw asrey the fo deianst i. ,uoy ma i i but eiaglhn rimspoe. To mlsyef ehtos adn inren wgrokin vere wsa i ot irnwad we ma mrof am i i ehav n,ebe lidhc fo l,iek apsrt us atht enbgi no dnrkie slouefr lhea aelh rebbod oru ymfsel d’tno ot ntah. Itb phedle no 4 ihrtg hbryitda m’i tieltl ertn’a hits a ma th31 hbtrero we enceis otu ye(s id’ elwl tishgn sa odufn ahve and pehenws as ew nwo, our pgimno ngogi wpehnes dna e,)lt!!rte uyor nad atrfe giitwnr i lrytneucr a uscbeae. Rgnwiok tath i am no si but toesigmhn. On am ’todn atth i ihts so elef rthu iednrsuboa ew ognkirw normyae. Ohdl edla ti hyte to uosr rtylboipeiissn is lopspee to ton hiwt oru npsxaoictete rae ton of eotrh u,s. Ur’yoe atth of i otl ilhodng a nad kwno. Ndwo legltin tpu i’m thoes ighsnt yuo koya it’s to. Tpdaspioin kyoa to ouy oelv olpeep its’. Sbcaeeu ehrit nto oursy t’si ,ifle ’tis. Lfei and shudlo eesl not cycaapit on ot eno your eeacubs ouy ivnlig ltle eb shldtno’u hwta sah the ongdi ete’yhr ouy. Rea lla htaw atht rea ewiestsns etyh to oidgn ot csoereicssa eoy’ru trayeil ryuo. Aemttsr nntigoh me. It eahv heav eth wlil odluw it oyur snreuiev nepa,phde ’olsvhued fi kca,b. Oyu p(aart guthorh ecthlmil inhkntig and ersomip fluyl h’evatn mofr doinsecsi any rifst ttouhiw i i ti eadm taht. . Saeuc ightf oev?l) owh acn. Shit ihwt tou lerett nkow nto ’luylo eb hte xtaeyrefdhip ienbg fo on lla us fo oysmnda i siefndr. Yuo fcoer stih ’ntca eilf ni shtgin tub. Doog su, rfo rfo otn’d ’ryhete hcae eyth tehy otreh konw tno ewre dgoo it utb ont. Voel hcum gvien oyu are htan os nda hucm tpye rbette waht uyo meor uoy het dan so adn thorw evceerid ewre era srpfheidin fo. It yhte i nde y,nosdam our eth irpesolnyat ubeasce ethy gshnti engbi oowlledf teh ot yas i dne uyor lbmeda to ear e)m ardawwk si henw ehocs oot codlu ehtn but on utwioth utc ethor ot us ctkata pfirdsnehi na tou, hwta ti to sihw an w(hhci omce and woealdl wsa. Teh all rea lsto si elki ,oldrw fo tbu era tauob hwrto ont tiwh nsnstsaie voy’eu abuscee yuor’e adn eht ikgnithn ehyetv’ onne eertadt otrwh ploepe henw yuo oyu. Gbnei i yrohwt uetfru you, su ni enspd ienntd yasd smfeyl, fo my dna ot teh.
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Rr,soy i’m.
Palese ,me iorvgfe.
Y,ou knhta.
I ouy voel.
.
Vol,e.
Year 23 x odl em.

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