A letter from April 10th, 2020

Peaceful right?

Dear FutureMe, If I'm right, (which I am ofc), today is your 21st birthday. Happy birthday E <3 Who'd have thought we'd get here?? I hope you are getting spoiled, by yourself, and remembering that not all birthdays are terrible :). I hope you still have your dynamos (you better, 'cause they're the bestest friends in the world), to party with, but not TOO hard, 'cause we know how that ends! At this current time, you're probably in the middle (I hope in the middle, please don't procrastinate!!), of writing your dissertation on whatever you have chosen! (I still currently think it should be about white privilege in society, but I won't be mad if you choose something better / easier to research :) ). You've nearly graduated, which is a huge achievement, and you should be extremely proud of yourself for everything you've achieved. You may even have a boyfriend by this time, but don't worry if you don't, boys are overrated ;). As I'm sitting here rn, on my bed, at 8:15pm on a Friday night, in a global pandemic where we have been in lockdown for 15 days (and I / you have been in self isolation for about 29 days), I thought I'd tell you how much I love you. 2020 so far has definitely been a rollercoaster, if you remember, March - now has been the hardest. But you are so worth it. I don't think I know anyone more worth it than you. Don't ever let anyone take you for granted. You are worth so much more than someone just picking you up and using you, but if that does happen, pick yourself up. You've picked yourself up from rock bottom before, you can do it again. With the state of the world at the minute, its easy to crawl back into that part of yourself, who doesn't actually know how much you're actually worth.. (I'm aware I've used 'worth' like 50 times but hey i'm not one with words as we both know). And even though you've done that, for those 29 (and more) days, that doesn't make you weak, or any less what you're worth (again.. I know). The point I'm trying to make is, life is continuously kicking you / us / me down, but you CHOOSE life. Everytime. And that's something to be **** proud of. Like a dandelion through the pavement, I persist. Me and mum have almost finished the fifth season of How To Get Away With ******, (hopefully you've now watched season 6 and figured out what the hell is going on!!!), and I don't think I realised until today how much of a big impact it has had on me. I don't think I've admired anyone more than Annalise Keating. I know she's fictional, but she's incredible. She has made me love myself, which hopefully works out for you because hopefully you are loving yourself more than ever. Things I love so much about you is how kind you are, which I often take as being a pushover, which we can be, but my goodness you have a big heart. And with all that loving and helping everyone else you do, letting them enter your heart, surely there's enough room for one 19 year old who just wants to be happy :). The things I thought I hated about myself / us, are the things that make us, us. The dimples in your cheeks when you smile, and your smile which can be as wide as the Cheshire Cat's when you're laughing. Your eyes which have seen so much, but still can be just as kind when you really look into them, and the creases under them when you smile just proves how much laughing you've done when you're with the right people. The way you are with the kids makes me want to be that girl everyday. I am currently a mess, but aren't some messes beautiful? I'm a work in progress, but I promise you I will work my arse off to make sure that when you receive this, you're as happy as you can be and so loved by yourself. And if you're not? Well, you've survived 100% of your worst days yet. That's 21 years worth. But if you still have your dynamos, can see the kids, have your loving family, a roof over your head, and food on the table, then that's all you need to get through the bad days. There's always sunshine if you look for it, there's always something to laugh or smile about, and there for sure is something beautiful in everyday. You were created with a perfect palette. A palette of intelligence, stubbornness, humour, passion, and beauty and lots more that I'm willing to look into myself to find, for you. I don't know what the future holds, but I will make a future, for you, for me. Love, 19 year old me x

Epilogue

about 2 years later

Dear 19 year old me,

Wow, sometimes I think past me is more wise than current me, but we are the same person so I have that wisdom somewhere ha!...

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Htat mi’ t)l,rtee sudiep ni nitgkal owdn in you nda lceloemytp my my to ifle eyar 32 nw,o negchad rea owh( s1t2. Ti eht bets eayr ym wsa nad rtwso of elfi. Oy’a‘msdn a a wsa ts21 we pchat huothgr me gonig my bradhtiy reew sa dcdithe hurgo on,e ont graet ym. It ,yrea wndo twih yaw curglinbm touhuhotgr owkn ayn pmeretbse i by be itellt of mhte i erdifsn did dna eht lal ceom eht htat lwudo lwton’ud. Ceird rof dot’n of ev’i tath akem hbot ,etspu the uoy, tbu heunog us or hsokc you mgtih worry,. Stemsmeio hyet lla wkno, and emse htat lepeop htwa oyu ot i natw ’earnt. 12st nuilt tsuj os eerht era t’indd aer are raeons uyo eiralse ew rofm hte ew that so atht yaer tannostycl lf,ersou plepoe rnoadu my of hknti ltleti yanm it stap tath. Gueatard beecma lcsuaidi i synleniet yr,ae tddin’ eprddop tuo htta aosl dan i. Ndi’td ldowu enigb a ihtowut into nkow btu owh smeeoon i i lvoe tguhohr fdnnuwoe live edn owh leidspp i ogt bela my to fro it itwh efil otn nda up g…yoa. Ruo eihmltcl. Wd,rol on ihst nda flei ihm si oyu sjut tath ghtir ym ni plcmyoleet uwlod vole cieppetsevr s’he she yvgertenih aedghcn me,. .
Nwte nda off iun idd i pu a my eayr ni i oghuth jluy druatedag i nde rfaet in hitw a aidgartnug m,e kcba 1t2s 2032 erya :12. Os doluw eb yuo opudr. So dupro am i. ,on sionunlcgel :) efw bieng adn eht fo pu daistotrsine ym a aedt, my neded a to eprpietnco isfrt dan saw i gibestg ts’i fof no mrkas aeneevmtich.
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Ist’ ,redi neeb soedcnii pu tbes a igvmon ih,lcetml ihtw dan tbu ever iivlgn otu eht ededn i. Eary, ti ni asw hskco dan stla ldemid olt adn rghti igwrtni teh ym deid fo it a rdgaand ut,rh stisatodirne a. Ulopce iton imh t,eletr tuo i ot go oyu to lal a clt’nudo heom, ta a tell otnsmh dna dah ouy mhi i sihw he trefa of noclkwdo, that and tfrae cuodl anywya tivsi ees uyo ouy go but tower meoc. Os adb nowk ,l)ilw oyu akbc i( hte lfee eivseurn oruy t’don sah.
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Ttha ginhts lucdo i ihws i uyo tlel herste. Yuo drpou klei of am woh i. Areys i ednrki i ouy rltae swa otmnme het to 4 in woh of aetsdin swhi. O,uy i am hilnage oepsmri but i. Srpat laeh soteh aehl elsofru ,bene ot am lsmefy tdo’n gnbei kiel, tahn we rienn aws no dranwi fmro okwngri us i i am vaeh clhdi eevr i to thta rndike nda uor bodebr ot of ylsemf. A esnwhep hdelpe wlel th13 rohrteb et,!l!er)t 4 ys(e uot eltlti ew dan htis o,nw ognig am gponmi tbi as mi’ a reat’n sauecbe unofd tybiadrh nad tghri uro rgitnwi no rtfae and i lecrytnur uroy as htings ew ehpeswn ehav iseecn d’i. Utb si no i thta niemghtso am okwigrn. Os baurosdien iths flee d’otn yenaorm i we rhut rwngoki ma on atht. Era ot ohdl ti si of su, to edla teyh otn uor sour htwi thore oxatesetncip not epoeslp speiirlsnyibot. A u’yore ttah tol hgnlodi adn knwo i fo. Tsi’ htoes uoy lgnilet yako i’m tup ndow to hisngt. Ouy eovl pepeol taipdpoisn akoy to t’is. Ruyos eesbacu ont ehirt tsi’ lf,ei ’ist. Uoy tno adn eb gondi sceeuab ’nhsoutdl has on yoru vnliig htaw eno eles rey’hte eilf lhsoud acpacity uoy ltle the ot. To ehty rae all atht ruoy gdoin stwiessne ecocsrisase uro’ye aer ot ahwt taileyr. Em tihnogn trmaest. Cakb, it vd’ouslhe anphepd,e fi heav ti udwlo ryou vaeh liwl reniesuv the. Fmor ylluf i any tap(ra ti inkitgnh daem mtellhci i ouy hturogh htat tnhva’e thuwito and iesndisoc rtsif mrsipoe. . ?vo)el ohw eascu can ightf. I no fo eb ownk fo otu ttreel all oull’y tixahdferype otn snadmyo siht htwi nbeig su het rfsiden. Ubt ni eocfr cn’ta lfei oyu igshnt sith. Teyh oodg odog ubt ewre orf not eahc orthe it hyte u,s ’tdno e’htery not nokw fro. Nad so uoy thna orme oyu umch receedvi so howrt aer uyo eolv brtete epyt and of ewer eht hmcu atwh era hiesdpnfir evnig dan. Wtha tctaka dfweollo su wneh adn too eyht oiteasnlypr aer ot na ntsihg ngebi ays uro wlaledo lbedam asw o,asymnd eacseub e)m iwhh(c tub cut echso ned to cdulo kwadwar whsi oury ehyt to fidhsipenr ot on ,tuo i is ti etnh end omec hittowu ti teh eth i na hetro. Eth noen iekl is lal ihngtkni whrto teh utb ouy tno ennsassit whti yhvet’e botau are lots ecuaesb eopelp aer traedet ewnh w,ordl of dna ’uyoev uoy twohr ’oyrue. Fo eht i su efurut orhtyw ot my esndp ntdein adn syda in les,myf uy,o ngieb.
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Im’ orry,s.
E,m egfviro apeles.
,ouy atkhn.
Loev ouy i.
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Vle,o.
X yera em lod 32.

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