A letter from April 10th, 2020

Peaceful right?

Dear FutureMe, If I'm right, (which I am ofc), today is your 21st birthday. Happy birthday E <3 Who'd have thought we'd get here?? I hope you are getting spoiled, by yourself, and remembering that not all birthdays are terrible :). I hope you still have your dynamos (you better, 'cause they're the bestest friends in the world), to party with, but not TOO hard, 'cause we know how that ends! At this current time, you're probably in the middle (I hope in the middle, please don't procrastinate!!), of writing your dissertation on whatever you have chosen! (I still currently think it should be about white privilege in society, but I won't be mad if you choose something better / easier to research :) ). You've nearly graduated, which is a huge achievement, and you should be extremely proud of yourself for everything you've achieved. You may even have a boyfriend by this time, but don't worry if you don't, boys are overrated ;). As I'm sitting here rn, on my bed, at 8:15pm on a Friday night, in a global pandemic where we have been in lockdown for 15 days (and I / you have been in self isolation for about 29 days), I thought I'd tell you how much I love you. 2020 so far has definitely been a rollercoaster, if you remember, March - now has been the hardest. But you are so worth it. I don't think I know anyone more worth it than you. Don't ever let anyone take you for granted. You are worth so much more than someone just picking you up and using you, but if that does happen, pick yourself up. You've picked yourself up from rock bottom before, you can do it again. With the state of the world at the minute, its easy to crawl back into that part of yourself, who doesn't actually know how much you're actually worth.. (I'm aware I've used 'worth' like 50 times but hey i'm not one with words as we both know). And even though you've done that, for those 29 (and more) days, that doesn't make you weak, or any less what you're worth (again.. I know). The point I'm trying to make is, life is continuously kicking you / us / me down, but you CHOOSE life. Everytime. And that's something to be **** proud of. Like a dandelion through the pavement, I persist. Me and mum have almost finished the fifth season of How To Get Away With ******, (hopefully you've now watched season 6 and figured out what the hell is going on!!!), and I don't think I realised until today how much of a big impact it has had on me. I don't think I've admired anyone more than Annalise Keating. I know she's fictional, but she's incredible. She has made me love myself, which hopefully works out for you because hopefully you are loving yourself more than ever. Things I love so much about you is how kind you are, which I often take as being a pushover, which we can be, but my goodness you have a big heart. And with all that loving and helping everyone else you do, letting them enter your heart, surely there's enough room for one 19 year old who just wants to be happy :). The things I thought I hated about myself / us, are the things that make us, us. The dimples in your cheeks when you smile, and your smile which can be as wide as the Cheshire Cat's when you're laughing. Your eyes which have seen so much, but still can be just as kind when you really look into them, and the creases under them when you smile just proves how much laughing you've done when you're with the right people. The way you are with the kids makes me want to be that girl everyday. I am currently a mess, but aren't some messes beautiful? I'm a work in progress, but I promise you I will work my arse off to make sure that when you receive this, you're as happy as you can be and so loved by yourself. And if you're not? Well, you've survived 100% of your worst days yet. That's 21 years worth. But if you still have your dynamos, can see the kids, have your loving family, a roof over your head, and food on the table, then that's all you need to get through the bad days. There's always sunshine if you look for it, there's always something to laugh or smile about, and there for sure is something beautiful in everyday. You were created with a perfect palette. A palette of intelligence, stubbornness, humour, passion, and beauty and lots more that I'm willing to look into myself to find, for you. I don't know what the future holds, but I will make a future, for you, for me. Love, 19 year old me x

Epilogue

about 2 years later

Dear 19 year old me,

Wow, sometimes I think past me is more wise than current me, but we are the same person so I have that wisdom somewhere ha!...

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In ahtt t)rleet, to you in peiuds ym dan cadghne yrae era donw ,own pcylmeltoe my 2t1s nltkiga ifel ’mi 32 how(. It adn file my yrae torws eth wsa etsb fo. Ym we regta mdn‘ayo’s weer gigon st12 ,one sa a aptch em aydthbri cedtihd a ughro wsa otn gtrouhh ym. Ohgrtuuoth i ,year lla be metpsbree wya esnrifd ddi htwi wdolu i eht fo het owdn by and kwon dlu’wton emoc itllet ayn ehtm htat briucmgln it. ’evi ot’dn ohksc ro higtm utb het p,uste rof wrory, eamk hgeoun erdci fo us hobt yuo taht o,uy. Esem lal tawn know, i thwa atth ot nda eiommtess eyth uyo aert’n ppoele. Eopelp of aery ahtt so tihkn ahtt rieesal di’dnt ew eetrh aordun tsap ustj mfor myna ew otnantylsc ear uyo era tllite ym os ahtt nltiu hte 1t2s era ro,elsuf it eranso. Tn’idd abmece propedd i ntynsieel hatt ategruad i lsoa nda liicdusa ayer, otu. How dna my i tgo oturhgh i ayog… btu ti ownk evli feli into a t’didn dsiplpe oenoems to bela fro benig up ton how iwht i wihutto den lveo woldu nfwenduo. Oru hcilltem. Cpmeoetlyl you htat she sjut oevl peteepcsirv ni m,e tgirh ldro,w uldwo ihm nda h’se vihyegenrt no si ym tsih edcgnah efil. .
In nui i eraft uljy eyar 2:1 ni i a nad a twhi thugho m,e dne 3202 nwte i draeugadt my ryae aurdigtnga bcka up t2s1 off idd. Oyu be os uldow rdpuo. I os am pdrou. Ed,at wef dan fsrit ,on viceteneahm no a slunignceol wsa dna up ramsk fof of ): eth ppetienorc rnsdostetiai ingeb a ddeen s’ti tbsegig i my ot ym.
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Otu utb ovmnig vilnig himctell, dna eth enbe eerv i’st i idoeinsc pu best a ed,ri whit dende. The rdganda it dna fo in eidd dilemd slta ,htur olt a itenrdsatois my a wsa skhco irtgiwn ti rhgti ayre, nad. Htat og oyu eoulcp tsvii tnu’codl tion nad dah aefrt i iwhs dok,cwoln sonmth yuo taefr a dan eh i oyu ese mih a ubt of yuo at omec lal etlert, ldcuo uot og he,om ot ot imh ewrto llet wyyana. Os efel rsveineu (i )lwil, acbk you ot’nd the hsa kown bda ryuo.
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Ihsw ltel i culod htat yuo rstehe gstihn i. Pduor of i you ma woh lkei. Dtansie i deknir ot in 4 laetr wsa eht of ouy i esayr hwsi who mmneto. Ma mriopes ou,y eingalh ubt i i. To swa i to atht hvea ew tdo’n wnrdai i su neb,e rniekd nad i ulrsfoe am fsemly inegb on idclh of ylfesm rdebbo nnrie oru ot ahle theos form nikgwro laeh arstp hnta k,lie am eevr. Iongg weeshnp tignsh ’id htrebro lelw mi’ nad and rou pdlehe ritabyhd speewnh ew a uto a dan (sye iesnec i yuor 4 as nitgwir isth rycrutlen haev ’entra ,trte)el!! we scuaeeb as hgitr nudof iletlt on earft ma mgponi ow,n 1h3t itb. I si ihgstnemo wirognk ubt am on atth. We ntod’ ttah sith uhrt no ma onwikrg lfee i nsireaudob nyoearm os. Opeples ruos natptxecseio rou dela wthi ton ethor si of ot are not it dolh u,s eyth to ebnisilyprosit. Nihgodl olt a nda i ’euyor of ahtt wokn. Oaky to ntglile tup tohse oyu im’ dwno hgnist it’s. Ist’ olppee evol dtiionspap aoyk ouy to. T’si rheti ruoys cuaeseb t’si ont f,eli. Ot and lsee otn uhldso be uyo ’nudhtosl ifel uyo hetyre’ letl iytpcaca nivigl ongdi bcuesae eon oryu on ahs ahtw eth. Tyeh are hwta aer all to atht sasocseeirc gdoin essitewns iarleyt y’roeu ot ruyo. Ginnhto stamret me. Ti vhae teh fi ereunvsi h’eusdovl hn,eeappd lwil oury owdlu it ehav bcak,. R(aapt uhtitwo nthkiing ellimthc h’aevnt deam isdicesno outhghr trfsi omispre htat ylful i nay omfr i ti dna you. . Hwo ?e)lov thfgi uaecs cna. No tuo moyadsn i fo u’olly tlteer us iegnb lal nto thiw eb wnok hsti fo yxthrfpeieda iefsnrd het. Frceo oyu tihsng tbu life stih c’atn ni. ,su aech utb ton ti were yerhe’t fro yteh dno’t gdoo ton hyte kwno godo rof orteh. Dan ouy os levo berett and os torhw rmeo nievg cedveeir umhc uoy teh tnah aer hpiriefnsd hucm etpy wree uoy aer of adn thaw. To na gitnhs and us out, sbacuee ruo it utb hyte nde enht aelmdb dolcu ti the h(wich no bnige i saw iswh twihtou end ot etnyoalsipr dlelwoa rheot coem ot diipsrfneh sya ,yoadsnm the oto ttacka i na me) tuc ot cehso era si aakdwwr enwh twah oflwoled eyht ouyr. Ouy oplpee lla lrw,od hnwe hte euy’or otrwh tbu rea nad toabu hwti rae tnnkihig taetred evthy’e suecbea ont oy’vue rothw snaetsins fo enon eth lkie lsto si uoy. My mfe,yls in dan dpens hte to of i rutfue ebngi su dsya oyu, itndne wrhoty.
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Yrrso, ’mi.
Gvioerf laeeps m,e.
Athnk ,yuo.
You i elvo.
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Lve,o.
Old me x 23 ayer.

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