A letter from April 10th, 2020

Peaceful right?

Dear FutureMe, If I'm right, (which I am ofc), today is your 21st birthday. Happy birthday E <3 Who'd have thought we'd get here?? I hope you are getting spoiled, by yourself, and remembering that not all birthdays are terrible :). I hope you still have your dynamos (you better, 'cause they're the bestest friends in the world), to party with, but not TOO hard, 'cause we know how that ends! At this current time, you're probably in the middle (I hope in the middle, please don't procrastinate!!), of writing your dissertation on whatever you have chosen! (I still currently think it should be about white privilege in society, but I won't be mad if you choose something better / easier to research :) ). You've nearly graduated, which is a huge achievement, and you should be extremely proud of yourself for everything you've achieved. You may even have a boyfriend by this time, but don't worry if you don't, boys are overrated ;). As I'm sitting here rn, on my bed, at 8:15pm on a Friday night, in a global pandemic where we have been in lockdown for 15 days (and I / you have been in self isolation for about 29 days), I thought I'd tell you how much I love you. 2020 so far has definitely been a rollercoaster, if you remember, March - now has been the hardest. But you are so worth it. I don't think I know anyone more worth it than you. Don't ever let anyone take you for granted. You are worth so much more than someone just picking you up and using you, but if that does happen, pick yourself up. You've picked yourself up from rock bottom before, you can do it again. With the state of the world at the minute, its easy to crawl back into that part of yourself, who doesn't actually know how much you're actually worth.. (I'm aware I've used 'worth' like 50 times but hey i'm not one with words as we both know). And even though you've done that, for those 29 (and more) days, that doesn't make you weak, or any less what you're worth (again.. I know). The point I'm trying to make is, life is continuously kicking you / us / me down, but you CHOOSE life. Everytime. And that's something to be **** proud of. Like a dandelion through the pavement, I persist. Me and mum have almost finished the fifth season of How To Get Away With ******, (hopefully you've now watched season 6 and figured out what the hell is going on!!!), and I don't think I realised until today how much of a big impact it has had on me. I don't think I've admired anyone more than Annalise Keating. I know she's fictional, but she's incredible. She has made me love myself, which hopefully works out for you because hopefully you are loving yourself more than ever. Things I love so much about you is how kind you are, which I often take as being a pushover, which we can be, but my goodness you have a big heart. And with all that loving and helping everyone else you do, letting them enter your heart, surely there's enough room for one 19 year old who just wants to be happy :). The things I thought I hated about myself / us, are the things that make us, us. The dimples in your cheeks when you smile, and your smile which can be as wide as the Cheshire Cat's when you're laughing. Your eyes which have seen so much, but still can be just as kind when you really look into them, and the creases under them when you smile just proves how much laughing you've done when you're with the right people. The way you are with the kids makes me want to be that girl everyday. I am currently a mess, but aren't some messes beautiful? I'm a work in progress, but I promise you I will work my arse off to make sure that when you receive this, you're as happy as you can be and so loved by yourself. And if you're not? Well, you've survived 100% of your worst days yet. That's 21 years worth. But if you still have your dynamos, can see the kids, have your loving family, a roof over your head, and food on the table, then that's all you need to get through the bad days. There's always sunshine if you look for it, there's always something to laugh or smile about, and there for sure is something beautiful in everyday. You were created with a perfect palette. A palette of intelligence, stubbornness, humour, passion, and beauty and lots more that I'm willing to look into myself to find, for you. I don't know what the future holds, but I will make a future, for you, for me. Love, 19 year old me x

Epilogue

about 2 years later

Dear 19 year old me,

Wow, sometimes I think past me is more wise than current me, but we are the same person so I have that wisdom somewhere ha!...

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Nda pcmteyleol ni in eayr ot my wdon algtnki ear 32 etelt)r, esipud 12st ym flie mi’ n,wo htta wh(o aehgdcn uyo. Ti eht twsor my etsb dan raey efli fo aws. Em erwe otn e,on aegrt a tiaydrbh ctaph a gothurh ew detdcih grouh my dosma’ny‘ 21st swa gngio my sa. Idd ti ar,ye hte eitltl be ayw meoc the lal i tserpbeme lbircngmu nda wluod trhgotuouh i yan htem nokw by sdirenf wdlotun’ twih fo nodw ttha. Idrec ueghno hobt tsup,e v’ie tdo’n emka of o,yu eth ro taht ofr hsock tub su uoy tghim oryw,r. Hawt seme ow,nk are’nt wnta thye i thta oeelpp lal nda ot yuo imomsstee. Mnya ouy ear we aer utsj l,feosru tinul of os nraudo reya eht rnsaeo ym ttha n’itdd pats thkin so tlleti tath we rthee snactynotl st21 omrf are pepleo hatt ieelras ti. Ttha dpopder i eaecmb and uot a,yre cidlaius i ytslenine nt’idd raagutde lsao. Mooense ned ubt a aleb i nto ingbe inot my i owkn pu nad owudl i veli ohw how tithowu yag…o to nwunfedo ipespdl td’din got ovel tiwh ti rfo iefl ghuotrh. Oru litmcehl. Stih hirgt ouy my ,em taht rolw,d flei tjus udowl olytplceme hes csertvpiepe on nad ihm hs’e ni evtnhiyrge is egacnhd leov. .
Up kbca in a 2302 nad a dne i auatigdgrn uljy reya ewtn in i i eayr atgddarue hhoutg my ddi 21st ,em 1:2 hwit inu off raeft. Os eb purod you dulow. Udpor os am i. Gsbteig imvehtcanee eistnriotdas my ffo ewf a no a begin ot hte is’t dan ,edta no, ): sfrit dna eddne swa i smrka sgcnenoulil pu of poncripeet my.
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Uto govnmi i nebe a wtih the nda echll,mti setb nddee reev ist’ er,di lgivin pu cnisoied tub. The r,yae saw it riniwtg ddei dan satl a kcosh ragnadd adn t,rhu ilmdde rtisesitdaon a in fo tol griht ti ym. A mshnot worte ouy ta og i swhi tsiiv oyu i itno of to tbu tfrae odlcu see to atth yanyaw eh afert a mhi tee,trl omeh, and go otu tdno’cul tlel dha and uyo lupceo kn,odlwco all ecmo ouy imh. Lfee odtn’ has so cakb adb eth viueenrs oyu nkwo lli),w i( yoru.
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Nhtgsi i ouy llet eserth hatt iwhs i udclo. I of dupro ielk owh uoy ma. I esyar to of oyu ohw i eth tenmom swa 4 tidsane trlae ni ikednr iswh. I i gnielha am ubt simopre yu,o. Ndawir rnidek rou no gbine i dbbero hatt be,en dclih d’otn trasp dan eahl ernin ehtso grkwion swa ot i hela ot eerv ew ma ie,kl to myslfe hvea mefyls su fo hant i rfmo am froeslu. Ehedpl 31ht nad esnphwe refta ma gniog no a eilttl vhae (yes shti l)!tetr!,e ognpim higrt yrltcrune llew abeusec and ,won ewnphse sa yoru tbi i thsgni gtniriw iscene raten’ i’m ew ’di uro otu 4 a sa and uondf hytiadbr orterhb we. Ttah is i rkngiwo nhetgmois am on but. We lfee boisndeaur no so ma rgkwoin shti myeoran i turh no’td that. Othre spploee era lsyrpistenbioi uro wtih fo tno is ntaoextspcei ti dlho rsuo ot elad tno s,u ot hety. I kown of roy’eu godlinh atht dna a lto. Ot nwod upt you im’ oaky llginet sti’ tigsnh oshet. Voel pnosapidti uyo to koya ts’i eepplo. Acueseb ’its soruy not rtehi t’is e,ifl. No idgno eesl oyur etll icpctyaa the oyu you eebaucs leif oen uohlsd eb ot athw nlgiiv nad hsa ’tehrye tno hl’oustdn. Yuro ehty waht aer ot rae all ot oeicsarsesc ntssseiwe erouy’ yritale gindo atht. Me gnhoint aetrtsm. Uyor lwuod ti ti edanep,ph if the cabk, evah eueisvrn uovsled’h hvea ilwl. Meda ioscnesdi n’vhaet tr(aap i form cmhtilel flyul thta and ghuthro ouy imesorp ayn i touhitw sfirt htgnikni ti. . Sucae hwo nca ghtif v)e?lo. L’yulo inbeg no thsi lla otn hiwt tetelr kwno i su of be yatriexdpfeh of rdnsefi hte uto nosmday. File isht refco but uyo thnisg tnca’ in. Rwee ton d’nto dogo tno tehro tyhe for good ti hyte r’eehty s,u tbu rof onkw chae. Breett omre oelv iereedcv you ptey uyo of and cuhm tahn are eingv hrowt siferindhp and uyo os so nad umch were eth aer atwh. Oot nda thsign akrwwad mcoe heyt oiuhtwt nde teh oeldawl hte is i neht hrtoe dcolu yteh ot ot tkctaa it yatepnlisro i tawh iswh to uct ned oru us aer fdlowloe on but ysa nigbe oehsc to m)e ti saw wenh rfpisehind an an ot,u y,smdnao damble ryuo hiwch( ecuaebs. Klei the’evy tno rae whrto ohwtr hwit r,owdl ntkginhi dan edtatre utb ear lal yuo buato fo is ovyeu’ nasstisne eepolp uaesbec wneh ouy eht het enon eyu’ro tols. Of us in tuefur dasy to bineg ylse,fm tdnnei ,ouy and thrwyo sepdn i eth ym.
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,sryor ’mi.
Em, esplae ivrfeog.
Knath y,uo.
Ouy i elov.
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Evol,.
Dol arey x me 23.

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