A letter from April 10th, 2020

Peaceful right?

Dear FutureMe, If I'm right, (which I am ofc), today is your 21st birthday. Happy birthday E <3 Who'd have thought we'd get here?? I hope you are getting spoiled, by yourself, and remembering that not all birthdays are terrible :). I hope you still have your dynamos (you better, 'cause they're the bestest friends in the world), to party with, but not TOO hard, 'cause we know how that ends! At this current time, you're probably in the middle (I hope in the middle, please don't procrastinate!!), of writing your dissertation on whatever you have chosen! (I still currently think it should be about white privilege in society, but I won't be mad if you choose something better / easier to research :) ). You've nearly graduated, which is a huge achievement, and you should be extremely proud of yourself for everything you've achieved. You may even have a boyfriend by this time, but don't worry if you don't, boys are overrated ;). As I'm sitting here rn, on my bed, at 8:15pm on a Friday night, in a global pandemic where we have been in lockdown for 15 days (and I / you have been in self isolation for about 29 days), I thought I'd tell you how much I love you. 2020 so far has definitely been a rollercoaster, if you remember, March - now has been the hardest. But you are so worth it. I don't think I know anyone more worth it than you. Don't ever let anyone take you for granted. You are worth so much more than someone just picking you up and using you, but if that does happen, pick yourself up. You've picked yourself up from rock bottom before, you can do it again. With the state of the world at the minute, its easy to crawl back into that part of yourself, who doesn't actually know how much you're actually worth.. (I'm aware I've used 'worth' like 50 times but hey i'm not one with words as we both know). And even though you've done that, for those 29 (and more) days, that doesn't make you weak, or any less what you're worth (again.. I know). The point I'm trying to make is, life is continuously kicking you / us / me down, but you CHOOSE life. Everytime. And that's something to be **** proud of. Like a dandelion through the pavement, I persist. Me and mum have almost finished the fifth season of How To Get Away With ******, (hopefully you've now watched season 6 and figured out what the hell is going on!!!), and I don't think I realised until today how much of a big impact it has had on me. I don't think I've admired anyone more than Annalise Keating. I know she's fictional, but she's incredible. She has made me love myself, which hopefully works out for you because hopefully you are loving yourself more than ever. Things I love so much about you is how kind you are, which I often take as being a pushover, which we can be, but my goodness you have a big heart. And with all that loving and helping everyone else you do, letting them enter your heart, surely there's enough room for one 19 year old who just wants to be happy :). The things I thought I hated about myself / us, are the things that make us, us. The dimples in your cheeks when you smile, and your smile which can be as wide as the Cheshire Cat's when you're laughing. Your eyes which have seen so much, but still can be just as kind when you really look into them, and the creases under them when you smile just proves how much laughing you've done when you're with the right people. The way you are with the kids makes me want to be that girl everyday. I am currently a mess, but aren't some messes beautiful? I'm a work in progress, but I promise you I will work my arse off to make sure that when you receive this, you're as happy as you can be and so loved by yourself. And if you're not? Well, you've survived 100% of your worst days yet. That's 21 years worth. But if you still have your dynamos, can see the kids, have your loving family, a roof over your head, and food on the table, then that's all you need to get through the bad days. There's always sunshine if you look for it, there's always something to laugh or smile about, and there for sure is something beautiful in everyday. You were created with a perfect palette. A palette of intelligence, stubbornness, humour, passion, and beauty and lots more that I'm willing to look into myself to find, for you. I don't know what the future holds, but I will make a future, for you, for me. Love, 19 year old me x

Epilogue

about 2 years later

Dear 19 year old me,

Wow, sometimes I think past me is more wise than current me, but we are the same person so I have that wisdom somewhere ha!...

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My 23 ghencad eelt,t)r down uoy in m’i ni are hatt o,nw ow(h dan galnkti flie ot tlcoemepyl t2s1 udsepi my yera. Fo the wtrso ryae my dna elif ti btes swa. Ton rewe ew egart a st21 ioggn em ihdtcde a hugotrh phact e,on hrtibyda my horug my nsd‘ma’oy sa swa. All i y,are irfdens eth i wnok fo ayn yb eth ti tihw tlltei ciblgmrun that eocm nad be ayw mhte odnw gtohurotuh wolud pbtereems dnuotwl’ idd. Hte gihtm fo yuo, us ofr ’odnt driec shkco eohngu yuo eakm tbu sptue, btho wro,yr eiv’ or that. I etsmosmie all emes to tnaw wtha netar’ uyo ,owkn thta peolpe nad yhte. Utlni reay ynma leeppo inddt’ hntik nrdoua 1t2s we ear orfm sonrea ti rae os my eehrt tsju iesaelr losuf,re tath atsp we lietlt os eht taht toaclysnnt aer yuo of taht. Out sciiaudl i tlieensyn tath pedpodr adn rtguaead beceam asol yaer, i dind’t. I iwth up i oudwl tno viel wokn woh dna a nbieg d’ndti elvo edwfonun ti btu iwhttou elfi ippdles noit to my ofr grhohtu owh edn i gto emsneoo yaog… aleb. Cihletlm uor. Si vigyreneth tjsu otlmpeleyc nad tighr rwlod, ihst iervteppcse oludw ’seh oyu hes file atht hmi my no in adenchg vloe me,. .
Iun tdagauerd yrae jylu ntew in pu idd nda rfeta 12ts a ,me :21 i ffo guatindgar ni my edn tiwh eayr i i ghtouh 0322 ackb a. Yuo be lwduo os opdru. Os am i rodup. Tcnepepiro rkmsa nad a ffo pu i first no on, ddeen bneig osingulnelc tbgsgei efw sioaetdtisnr d,tae ’tis to ): enveimcteha a was of my nad eht my.
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Livign htwi gmnivo and out eevr i up tbu st’i ended imthec,ll enbe a hte ei,dr esnoicdi btes. Olt hrut, it it nad roasiisdtetn iginrtw of lsta aagnrdd lmided saw schok dedi ni rgith dan hte a ym eyra, a. Lla frate a nawayy me,oh og rfaet tiisv dloo,ckwn ultndo’c mih oyu you coplue but ees ocem mih adn to had he fo eltl hwis nad dluco at atht oyu a i tuo tion toerw yuo to thsonm i og lt,tere. Dba bkac elfe os nwko ouy w)i,ll het o’ntd ruyo vensueri sha i(.
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Hretse hsingt ouy iwhs i ellt thta olucd i. Of i ouprd hwo eilk uoy ma. I ni 4 eonmtm ednisat asyre the rekdni swhi i ot rleta hwo aws fo you. I i iealghn tub miosrep uo,y ma. I form ahle no reev i ndrwai ot rstap nhat eoths kiwogrn and eb,en fo am sfeyml esfmly uor t’odn erslfou ew keli, evha deorbb ndekir us am renni ibgen atth to cidhl aws hael i to. 1th3 a wo,n sencei s(ey rreohtb tlteli we !rlt!eet,) im’ dan penhesw tefra am rcnluyret siht and pmigno uto oru i as we 4 tnar’e i’d on gngio gniwrit hitgr llew ahve sa nthgsi nda iydbrhta lhedpe a nspweeh seubeac dnufo bit yuro. Korgnwi ma sineghtmo is taht i no tub. Atht lfee ma oserduniab ew i truh rignokw os hsit on anrymeo dno’t. Of ppeloes si olhd rous ldae ont scteoxneiatp psiynlbtiroesi it tno to ot s,u htey htiw are etorh uro. A htat nokw i onhdlgi of ’oyure olt dan. Nwdo you upt shteo ngshit egtlinl ykao to si’t ’mi. Pitsiapndo ovel kyao yuo pepleo sti’ ot. Htrie ont flei, yuros st’i auescbe it’s. Lgivin duhlso ryuo uyo eb iefl tlel yuo no eaubsce gidon u’dnsltoh to tno sah ’rheeyt slee eno tahw het nda payticca. Ot hyte ssciceoasre all elaytir atwh sinwssete rae yruo aer ot eyuro’ idngo atth. Sraetmt me ignotnh. It vahe fi eenrsiuv hnaeppe,d oyur it the owlud wlil ahev hsoduel’v acb,k. Adme iwtutoh atth dsoecnisi ngnhkiit atpa(r i rifts ltlemhic uyo ayn mrof ghrtuoh it nda lyufl ahtv’en i iomeprs. . Ucaes e)o?vl cna fhgti ohw. Wiht hsti lla of i eb the gbine ndsomay fo wkon su pxiaeeftrhyd tuo ont lu’oyl snedirf no eltetr. Anct’ yuo this elif in btu gsithn coerf. Btu nto htye yether’ ti ewer rof ceah ton ogod ethy ofr ownk s,u ’notd htreo doog. So dan ouy are ihidnrespf uhmc nvieg hcum tbteer era het hnta of ouy veeirdec yuo hwort eewr nad whta so lvoe mero adn epty. No yeht to an mansdoy, mabled wawakrd i whci(h end ewhn i us wefollod ti oehrt oldewal ottuihw nhgtsi eocm ruo sya uyro cut ubt tuo, ahtw it ulcdo echos gebni nthe me) ot takcat ot risfndepih si yteh to an het beeacus dne het and oto was era wsih peyltonrasi. Lppeoe nda hwit uoy tvy’eeh teh d,wlro ielk aer uevy’o btu erdeatt you fo ear obuta neinsstsa cuebsea hewn kthnigni ton is wotrh eht eonn o’ryue howrt ltos lal. Ninetd dan tyhrow i ni hte dyas to su nsdpe of rtuufe my ,fyslem ,uoy geibn.
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,sorry m’i.
Gvfoeir me, palsee.
Yuo, ntahk.
I evlo you.
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,levo.
Lod yrea x 23 em.

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