A letter from April 10th, 2020

Peaceful right?

Dear FutureMe, If I'm right, (which I am ofc), today is your 21st birthday. Happy birthday E <3 Who'd have thought we'd get here?? I hope you are getting spoiled, by yourself, and remembering that not all birthdays are terrible :). I hope you still have your dynamos (you better, 'cause they're the bestest friends in the world), to party with, but not TOO hard, 'cause we know how that ends! At this current time, you're probably in the middle (I hope in the middle, please don't procrastinate!!), of writing your dissertation on whatever you have chosen! (I still currently think it should be about white privilege in society, but I won't be mad if you choose something better / easier to research :) ). You've nearly graduated, which is a huge achievement, and you should be extremely proud of yourself for everything you've achieved. You may even have a boyfriend by this time, but don't worry if you don't, boys are overrated ;). As I'm sitting here rn, on my bed, at 8:15pm on a Friday night, in a global pandemic where we have been in lockdown for 15 days (and I / you have been in self isolation for about 29 days), I thought I'd tell you how much I love you. 2020 so far has definitely been a rollercoaster, if you remember, March - now has been the hardest. But you are so worth it. I don't think I know anyone more worth it than you. Don't ever let anyone take you for granted. You are worth so much more than someone just picking you up and using you, but if that does happen, pick yourself up. You've picked yourself up from rock bottom before, you can do it again. With the state of the world at the minute, its easy to crawl back into that part of yourself, who doesn't actually know how much you're actually worth.. (I'm aware I've used 'worth' like 50 times but hey i'm not one with words as we both know). And even though you've done that, for those 29 (and more) days, that doesn't make you weak, or any less what you're worth (again.. I know). The point I'm trying to make is, life is continuously kicking you / us / me down, but you CHOOSE life. Everytime. And that's something to be **** proud of. Like a dandelion through the pavement, I persist. Me and mum have almost finished the fifth season of How To Get Away With ******, (hopefully you've now watched season 6 and figured out what the hell is going on!!!), and I don't think I realised until today how much of a big impact it has had on me. I don't think I've admired anyone more than Annalise Keating. I know she's fictional, but she's incredible. She has made me love myself, which hopefully works out for you because hopefully you are loving yourself more than ever. Things I love so much about you is how kind you are, which I often take as being a pushover, which we can be, but my goodness you have a big heart. And with all that loving and helping everyone else you do, letting them enter your heart, surely there's enough room for one 19 year old who just wants to be happy :). The things I thought I hated about myself / us, are the things that make us, us. The dimples in your cheeks when you smile, and your smile which can be as wide as the Cheshire Cat's when you're laughing. Your eyes which have seen so much, but still can be just as kind when you really look into them, and the creases under them when you smile just proves how much laughing you've done when you're with the right people. The way you are with the kids makes me want to be that girl everyday. I am currently a mess, but aren't some messes beautiful? I'm a work in progress, but I promise you I will work my arse off to make sure that when you receive this, you're as happy as you can be and so loved by yourself. And if you're not? Well, you've survived 100% of your worst days yet. That's 21 years worth. But if you still have your dynamos, can see the kids, have your loving family, a roof over your head, and food on the table, then that's all you need to get through the bad days. There's always sunshine if you look for it, there's always something to laugh or smile about, and there for sure is something beautiful in everyday. You were created with a perfect palette. A palette of intelligence, stubbornness, humour, passion, and beauty and lots more that I'm willing to look into myself to find, for you. I don't know what the future holds, but I will make a future, for you, for me. Love, 19 year old me x

Epilogue

about 2 years later

Dear 19 year old me,

Wow, sometimes I think past me is more wise than current me, but we are the same person so I have that wisdom somewhere ha!...

.
),rtleet nhgadce ’mi puised 2st1 agintkl dwno ni ot ym (hwo ielf ym you ,won in eleptcyolm ttha nda 23 year aer. Nda ti feli my stbe was fo wsrot yare het. Ym ruogh ecitdhd me ont aws ahtdybri apthc 1t2s ew sa ym a rughhto o,en a ysn‘doa’m eewr nigog taerg. Nokw pbmsertee nisrfed did i ywa the i nad nodw ithw it yer,a be fo lal bngmcuilr by tuhhotrguo emco tmhe do’ntlwu atth teiltl yan eth dlwou. Hatt ’notd orf oschk ’ive yuo tmgih mkea ceird tobh s,puet ro ryr,ow but genuho us ,you fo eht. Mese and seitmemos ot nt’era wtah lla poleep oyu taht on,kw wnat they i. Ym htta taps fo ettlli nrseoa there aereisl era ttha so udnrao taht ew aer rae rmof lsrfu,eo 1s2t the ’tdndi people tsju yaer uoy uitnl many os nhikt we scytltanno it. Nseyintle nda dreppod isdaciul ecmaeb uatradge di’dtn i i laos ahtt uot e,ayr. Gto to elov ngbei my i hwo …oayg nda levi btu ilfe rhohutg i kwno hiwt uldwo able iwohutt for dfnnouwe ton ti i t’nddi osenoem dne lpdespi up how a itno. Hmitclel uro. Imh stuj nda hits si ni gandche wrol,d elvo lwduo she heryvtiegn uyo on ym ivseceepprt she’ tgihr feil ltpemloeyc thta me,. .
Udgraeadt wtih uothhg a 2203 ni reya nda uni a m,e 2ts1 ym yera frate 1:2 i end bcka fof grtdagiaun i tnwe did ni pu yjul i. Be uoy odulw so droup. So i ma produ. Eemecihvtan tisdsenirota dnede peienptcor a gbeitgs st’i ngebi pu a trsif my on off gucoislnlen my and smark ot fo i efw dna n,o the ): taed, wsa.
.
Ngiomv a ietlcl,mh reve vlingi eht sti’ nad i i,red nisoedci tou pu ubt eebn tbes deedn tihw. Nad ru,th of hte eddi ym ni lot tals issedtanitor emldid rdganad nad ginrtwi ithgr a a ya,er ti ti aws hkosc. Fo but hmeo, llte to dan yuo i tion uoy towre moce aretf yynwaa ot adn ta e,tterl i out a go hsiw ,nwokcdol mih all dah go l’uncotd he raetf mhi ese oducl you a yuo onhtms atht ecluop siitv. Onwk sah dno’t rvseeuin (i yruo hte abck yuo dab ),liwl efel os.
.
I gstinh uoy ehtser dcoul i atht ihws ellt. I fo ekli dprou ouy am hwo. Yeras eht rtale who of iwhs 4 netmom ouy ni i iedtsna to rnkedi i saw. Yu,o am aienlhg tbu i i meorpsi. Ndarwi lesfym am ot ruo have no athn to ilek, eahl htat ’tdno ibnge rtsap su to derkni reev am i fmro erbbod ew of wirknog laeh dna dcilh selfmy i enirn i nb,ee erfuosl etsoh asw. No peledh ggoni tshi !e)l!t,ret h31t gihtr ’id sihgnt i dna ew ngmopi ratfe ’tearn ma dounf ew a nad a as tbi tillte pneeshw rignwti esy( vhae dyihbtra llew oury wo,n brteroh rclynetur 4 as sewnhpe oru dan cniees im’ uot becsuea. Woirkng am utb ahtt on i si mtogsnhei. Tish eyonram raiduseonb wirnogk nd’ot atht i ew on rhtu ma so lefe. Tehy htiw ot us, rous is not lhdo lade psxeentcitao syslpbroenitii of theor oeplsep it ton rou aer ot. Ryue’o a hatt i dan lot fo ilohngd wonk. T’si uyo kaoy shignt utp im’ to oesht ligenlt down. Oelv dipapniost koay ot ’sit uoy epepol. Sueabce itehr tno l,fei ist’ s’ti ryous. Ahs dshluo digno ahtw slee u’noshldt uyor oyu one ilgvin lfie het cyataipc you tyeh’re be ton on to llte ucebeas and. Sroseeccais ietsnessw era uory doing lal ttha iyetalr htey athw o’eyru era to to. Ninogth srmttea me. Nesrieuv loduw ehva php,enade lwli if c,akb ti it hte uroy od’lesuhv aevh. Uyo ve’tnha aart(p adn ylluf yan nihktngi mrof tath i sopimre it hutotiw meda i nisdiseco ftsri hohutrg elhlmtic. . Nac fithg asuce ohw )ol?ve. Ndfresi whit wkon no eetltr of ’yolul lla i eth htsi of nebgi out ton be su pedxrieathfy mansdoy. Utb yuo ni flei nhitsg hist cant’ cfore. Wree otn rof u,s tyhe orf htye dogo it ubt ogdo roeth ton ecah wkon ’todn ryh’ete. Retbte hcmu rea yuo ntah ivgen wtah nda veieredc os enridsfpih dna os wothr uoy uoy hcmu vleo eth erew adn yetp of ear moer. Tatcak saw mosdyn,a na sceho tisgnh i ishw dne ti oru ceuaseb oury tahw amlbed ot em) ,tou ubt it rplenatisoy come adolelw i nthe hnew het teh on delolwfo ohetr phnefdiisr to tuc oucdl rea nad akadrww to ouitthw i(hhwc sya den an si they hyte igben su ot oot. And rttedae ltos yuo not het ihwt tbu is like aer lla of yuoev’ nsseatsin leopep tbauo uro’ey ouy nehw worht rae nnoe hte ktiinhng thwor aebsuce ytvehe’ wordl,. Adn my i het u,yo in giebn nteidn us of aysd el,smfy edpsn to erufut orwthy.
.
’mi ,yrsor.
Eofirgv pesael ,em.
Yu,o nakth.
You evlo i.
.
E,vol.
23 me x old raye.

This user has written an update to this letter.To see what they wrote, please

Press ← and → on your keyboard to move between letters

Write new comment

Load more comments