A letter from April 10th, 2020

Peaceful right?

Dear FutureMe, If I'm right, (which I am ofc), today is your 21st birthday. Happy birthday E <3 Who'd have thought we'd get here?? I hope you are getting spoiled, by yourself, and remembering that not all birthdays are terrible :). I hope you still have your dynamos (you better, 'cause they're the bestest friends in the world), to party with, but not TOO hard, 'cause we know how that ends! At this current time, you're probably in the middle (I hope in the middle, please don't procrastinate!!), of writing your dissertation on whatever you have chosen! (I still currently think it should be about white privilege in society, but I won't be mad if you choose something better / easier to research :) ). You've nearly graduated, which is a huge achievement, and you should be extremely proud of yourself for everything you've achieved. You may even have a boyfriend by this time, but don't worry if you don't, boys are overrated ;). As I'm sitting here rn, on my bed, at 8:15pm on a Friday night, in a global pandemic where we have been in lockdown for 15 days (and I / you have been in self isolation for about 29 days), I thought I'd tell you how much I love you. 2020 so far has definitely been a rollercoaster, if you remember, March - now has been the hardest. But you are so worth it. I don't think I know anyone more worth it than you. Don't ever let anyone take you for granted. You are worth so much more than someone just picking you up and using you, but if that does happen, pick yourself up. You've picked yourself up from rock bottom before, you can do it again. With the state of the world at the minute, its easy to crawl back into that part of yourself, who doesn't actually know how much you're actually worth.. (I'm aware I've used 'worth' like 50 times but hey i'm not one with words as we both know). And even though you've done that, for those 29 (and more) days, that doesn't make you weak, or any less what you're worth (again.. I know). The point I'm trying to make is, life is continuously kicking you / us / me down, but you CHOOSE life. Everytime. And that's something to be **** proud of. Like a dandelion through the pavement, I persist. Me and mum have almost finished the fifth season of How To Get Away With ******, (hopefully you've now watched season 6 and figured out what the hell is going on!!!), and I don't think I realised until today how much of a big impact it has had on me. I don't think I've admired anyone more than Annalise Keating. I know she's fictional, but she's incredible. She has made me love myself, which hopefully works out for you because hopefully you are loving yourself more than ever. Things I love so much about you is how kind you are, which I often take as being a pushover, which we can be, but my goodness you have a big heart. And with all that loving and helping everyone else you do, letting them enter your heart, surely there's enough room for one 19 year old who just wants to be happy :). The things I thought I hated about myself / us, are the things that make us, us. The dimples in your cheeks when you smile, and your smile which can be as wide as the Cheshire Cat's when you're laughing. Your eyes which have seen so much, but still can be just as kind when you really look into them, and the creases under them when you smile just proves how much laughing you've done when you're with the right people. The way you are with the kids makes me want to be that girl everyday. I am currently a mess, but aren't some messes beautiful? I'm a work in progress, but I promise you I will work my arse off to make sure that when you receive this, you're as happy as you can be and so loved by yourself. And if you're not? Well, you've survived 100% of your worst days yet. That's 21 years worth. But if you still have your dynamos, can see the kids, have your loving family, a roof over your head, and food on the table, then that's all you need to get through the bad days. There's always sunshine if you look for it, there's always something to laugh or smile about, and there for sure is something beautiful in everyday. You were created with a perfect palette. A palette of intelligence, stubbornness, humour, passion, and beauty and lots more that I'm willing to look into myself to find, for you. I don't know what the future holds, but I will make a future, for you, for me. Love, 19 year old me x

Epilogue

about 2 years later

Dear 19 year old me,

Wow, sometimes I think past me is more wise than current me, but we are the same person so I have that wisdom somewhere ha!...

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Flei eudisp aeyr in that rt,tee)l now, ni w(ho ot 2t1s tcpmleoyel 32 ndwo itagkln my ym i’m yuo dan are ceganhd. Efli of and aws my worts reay it hte estb. A idabyhrt ugorh n,eo we ughtohr a em ahptc cteihdd ggnoi tno asw ym tagre sa reew st12 dyansmo‘’ ym. Did hgrohtutuo that nrmcgiubl teh ti woudl be wya teh yan empetbesr reya, of ihwt i dw’ontul lal odnw i by moce hemt ietllt adn wnko nifersd. Ts,upe ou,y dceir n’dot ’vei htta emak but ro ihmgt su hbot het oyu uogneh for of khsoc o,rrwy. Mees n’rtae want to eepplo msetsomei kn,wo yeth all oyu htaw i dan ttah. Ynam so ,lruofes atth ew mfro eary eethr oyu astp rae 1s2t onysctaltn rea eth droanu thta so it thta id’tdn hintk fo resnao iltelt ym lsiraee rea ew iutnl tjus eolppe. I ind’td i olas idisclua teaarudg odprpde nda mcbaee etylenisn htta year, tou. I ygo…a nda how btu nto i dne to a otg htrgouh toni wttuhoi dtndi’ hwo kwon sneoome ti htiw fro bael dluow veol lpseipd pu feil udnnfeow ym nigbe evli i. Ruo tcilmhle. Yuo ehs esh’ thrgi levo em, ifel dan in no tjsu pierevecstp clpmeteloy nrihgeyvet thsi htat hmi ym odulw si aceghdn lrdo,w. .
Htgohu jylu twen i idd 21: i dne ni unatdarigg ffo a 1t2s nad ithw efrta em, ym yaer ni reay back 2023 uni a aagrdetud pu i. Os lwduo you pudro be. I os puodr ma. Mksra a,det nsdristeoiat ym prctepnioe itsfr n,o edend on a vchmaeenite ffo unioglelcns a eth pu st’i aws gbien adn ewf to ): fo i dna ym isbgtge.
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Hitw out it’s i iinvgl id,re utb nddee been het isnodiec mvoign tcllimh,e a dan rvee steb pu. Htr,u hte dna aangddr ym rnwgiit slta of a ,yrae htigr dna strsoieandti lot a hckso it died ti emdidl saw ni. Culope areft to uoy lla honstm a you i imh ihm fo terow hda ellt you oehm, and to ttelr,e go oudcnlt’ eh go i tvisi tou wynaya dlcuo ahtt ecmo uyo see cnow,dolk iotn iwhs a rftae ubt ta dan. Has uyor w)il,l i( nwok so todn’ bkac nvirusee oyu lefe eth abd.
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Oyu gsinht ulcdo llet hestre hatt i iwhs i. Of ouy am i ielk dpuro how. Asw talre swih ni to 4 iaednst of i i teh ryaes mmento nekdir yuo how. Enhalig i ma piosrme i tbu o,uy. Wrikong us elah to flsemy bdeorb nhta soteh i we am heal lmseyf asw rienn ma uro ibgne enkrid i i fo nad ofrm ever ki,el dot’n ot lfsouer atht dwnrai lhicd heva rpsta no n,ebe ot. A wseehnp a ruoy pewensh ma dan sa ferta sa uor ibdtaryh on ihts uelnrrcty own, otu bit ntae’r gigno lelw di’ eiecsn abceeus ighrt !,tt!ere)l we oufnd i sye( dna nad we 3t1h nihgts ohrebrt 4 m’i eldehp vhae tieltl ngmiop wirnigt. Winrogk i atth am on eosntimgh btu si. No ma atth i t’odn flee iraunosedb htru so this we noryeam inrkogw. Ton rteoh fo era dael osur yhte ldoh ont oru to si eepolsp eicpetxtsaon it s,u plibnsreiotyis ot thwi. I a fo nowk doglnhi nda ahtt eur’yo otl. Upt s’it ’im kaoy steoh to uyo onwd gtnhsi ltlgine. Ppeloe ispiandtop ot s’ti uyo levo yoka. Ryuos ihter otn usabece elf,i i’ts t’si. Gnivil be no sha slee letl ueesacb ouy ot awth eon idnog lefi hulsod you not soldunht’ yruo het iacacytp yheet’r nda. Htat ot tahw ’ouery iartely aer ssociecasre ot yuro diong esienswts rae ehty lla. Starmte gnoinht me. ,cbak ehav wlil it if ldoueh’vs lwduo vaeh ,hppdnaee ernesuiv ti teh oyur. Aprta( utwthio ingtkhin hogthur ti dsoceniis i nad n’hevat ormf uyo ithmlecl ayn fyull atht psmreio i rtfis edma. . Scuae vl)?oe owh can fthig. Lal su niegb tihw tno eb tuo of lretet konw no of tshi syoadmn eiepxhrdtfya inedsfr het i u’oyll. Rcofe lief ni itsh tub tca’n hgstin uyo. Su, it ont chae y’ehret ont btu godo ’ndot ownk hyte rfo gdoo eyth rewe fro heort. Are awth nda rewe uhmc so nad twohr ouy cmuh tbetre vineg athn teh you moer fo fpisrienhd peyt olve dan are so edcrveei uyo. To hetn to geinb too meoc eposyalntir ys,doman ucdlo gsihtn ehty uoyr eht edn isirnhfped aeuecbs su weoldla hw(ich )em dabmle ubt to an i hocse ned tuowith on waht asy ti actkta are ot it o,tu na lefodowl i si shiw ctu henw was tyeh tohre rou dna eht rwdwkaa. Si rea uyo yuo the wohrt ikle olst atobu ve’ouy dan het ear eretadt of epeplo nehw rwoht tnseaissn utb tno ebecsau wlro,d onen ourey’ all kithnnig ihwt ’tevhye. To ysad ym su u,oy fme,syl eth i ufutre idnnet wtohry of ni psdne bgeni nad.
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Ro,rys i’m.
E,m figoevr elseap.
Y,ou athkn.
I uyo vleo.
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,velo.
Dlo x me eray 23.

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