A letter from April 10th, 2020

Peaceful right?

Dear FutureMe, If I'm right, (which I am ofc), today is your 21st birthday. Happy birthday E <3 Who'd have thought we'd get here?? I hope you are getting spoiled, by yourself, and remembering that not all birthdays are terrible :). I hope you still have your dynamos (you better, 'cause they're the bestest friends in the world), to party with, but not TOO hard, 'cause we know how that ends! At this current time, you're probably in the middle (I hope in the middle, please don't procrastinate!!), of writing your dissertation on whatever you have chosen! (I still currently think it should be about white privilege in society, but I won't be mad if you choose something better / easier to research :) ). You've nearly graduated, which is a huge achievement, and you should be extremely proud of yourself for everything you've achieved. You may even have a boyfriend by this time, but don't worry if you don't, boys are overrated ;). As I'm sitting here rn, on my bed, at 8:15pm on a Friday night, in a global pandemic where we have been in lockdown for 15 days (and I / you have been in self isolation for about 29 days), I thought I'd tell you how much I love you. 2020 so far has definitely been a rollercoaster, if you remember, March - now has been the hardest. But you are so worth it. I don't think I know anyone more worth it than you. Don't ever let anyone take you for granted. You are worth so much more than someone just picking you up and using you, but if that does happen, pick yourself up. You've picked yourself up from rock bottom before, you can do it again. With the state of the world at the minute, its easy to crawl back into that part of yourself, who doesn't actually know how much you're actually worth.. (I'm aware I've used 'worth' like 50 times but hey i'm not one with words as we both know). And even though you've done that, for those 29 (and more) days, that doesn't make you weak, or any less what you're worth (again.. I know). The point I'm trying to make is, life is continuously kicking you / us / me down, but you CHOOSE life. Everytime. And that's something to be **** proud of. Like a dandelion through the pavement, I persist. Me and mum have almost finished the fifth season of How To Get Away With ******, (hopefully you've now watched season 6 and figured out what the hell is going on!!!), and I don't think I realised until today how much of a big impact it has had on me. I don't think I've admired anyone more than Annalise Keating. I know she's fictional, but she's incredible. She has made me love myself, which hopefully works out for you because hopefully you are loving yourself more than ever. Things I love so much about you is how kind you are, which I often take as being a pushover, which we can be, but my goodness you have a big heart. And with all that loving and helping everyone else you do, letting them enter your heart, surely there's enough room for one 19 year old who just wants to be happy :). The things I thought I hated about myself / us, are the things that make us, us. The dimples in your cheeks when you smile, and your smile which can be as wide as the Cheshire Cat's when you're laughing. Your eyes which have seen so much, but still can be just as kind when you really look into them, and the creases under them when you smile just proves how much laughing you've done when you're with the right people. The way you are with the kids makes me want to be that girl everyday. I am currently a mess, but aren't some messes beautiful? I'm a work in progress, but I promise you I will work my arse off to make sure that when you receive this, you're as happy as you can be and so loved by yourself. And if you're not? Well, you've survived 100% of your worst days yet. That's 21 years worth. But if you still have your dynamos, can see the kids, have your loving family, a roof over your head, and food on the table, then that's all you need to get through the bad days. There's always sunshine if you look for it, there's always something to laugh or smile about, and there for sure is something beautiful in everyday. You were created with a perfect palette. A palette of intelligence, stubbornness, humour, passion, and beauty and lots more that I'm willing to look into myself to find, for you. I don't know what the future holds, but I will make a future, for you, for me. Love, 19 year old me x

Epilogue

about 2 years later

Dear 19 year old me,

Wow, sometimes I think past me is more wise than current me, but we are the same person so I have that wisdom somewhere ha!...

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2st1 mtllpycoee yuo ot efil in ym ’im yaer caghedn ni dan my gltanki o(hw dpseiu 32 w,no htat wnod ettrle,) ear. Het ym yrea efli tbes wsa dan it of rswot. Yrbdathi rghtouh as a cddtieh nto o,ne a ym ew em reew ingog ourhg swa ptcha 21ts atgre a’soynmd‘ ym. Eth eth a,yre ltilet nya mpeerbtes owkn i did it emth yb sfdrien oemc i ’uodwltn twih fo donw otuhrhugot ayw lal eb udwlo mgcrulnib ttha adn. Ugehon yr,wro of but yuo, us shkoc or rfo eth dicre thmig ’odtn ve’i uoy ahtt pe,uts ohtb amek. Kwn,o atwn ot lal wtah eplpoe ttha eyht re’tan yuo mees nad i smmiotsee. Iltlet eht omfr tkhin htta ew ew eopelp orls,fue neasor atps teerh ti sutj seealri rnaodu ym are uyo os slytactnno hatt 21st nyam are so ryea d’tdni hatt fo rae nulti. Ey,ar ltyeisenn ldsaiiuc nad i baeemc hatt prpoded itdd’n gateruda tou losa i. Up elvo into o…yga fnendwou i thwtuio ti to hitw spilepd ownk life nto a ogt i fro woh tni’dd live esonoem owh end odwlu ibegn i ohrgtuh utb dna beal my. Uro tmhilcel. Lwuod htta griht sith rlowd, esh itprcespeev eloectpmly in usjt file is lvoe nda my hes’ m,e no hadcegn vyenihertg mhi uoy. .
Up gouthh off eyar ,em ni a did feart 21ts ni i 2:1 agdarutde a nwte 3022 juyl nde i aery tnrigaduga i kcab nad ym nui hwit. Prduo so ouy be wdluo. I ropud ma os. To rtisf my fo i :) da,te slucegnoiln ddnee a msrka my dtessrntioai engib up itbsegg ,no and si’t asw a adn ffo teh epptricone efw on eemehintvac.
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Vomngi a i up uot ubt lngivi icdosein estb enbe i’ts d,eri hitw het lthc,meil nda reev ddene. Ti a tgniiwr r,aey dmleid sokhc dna in rotidssantei of tol nda hte it ym tlsa was ided ut,hr a rgith dnagrda. Oyu ot ahd lcdtn’uo btu ot oulcd ntoi go a frtae uoy ecom he etrow og him him oyu yanayw at i tlle wdcon,lko uto you of i snhomt wsih nad trtele, ese ivist ferat a ttah h,emo adn uolepc lal. Os lli,)w cbka has rouy abd efel onkw i( usvnieer ’dotn ouy het.
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Letl uyo eserht hatt lcudo i tgisnh i ihws. Uyo of duorp ma i ilke ohw. Ni to aws etnmom areys rtale eatsdin how i the iswh i 4 of rdkein you. Am i smopeir u,yo i heiangl tub. Idchl ma no ysfelm raiwnd enrni and i frmo to ma ot bene, taht rtspa ornwgik of iendkr i ew swa hale rbdboe leah k,lei evah ntod’ to us uro i slyemf reve uflsroe nigbe soeht hnta. I 1th3 we peehwns efrta out im’ eedphl as eitllt nda tbi yuro a iscnee rerhbto 4 nructleyr am ew aevh ioggn moinpg wtnirgi rgtih ahidtryb no well ’enrta sa !)etl!t,er and our htis ’id nad a e(ys ascbuee o,wn inhtsg spheewn ofnud. Iethsngom ubt kgroiwn taht i am no is. Bresaudoin ’ontd ma ahtt ionkrwg hsit on hutr i ew mnroaye so fele. It nto etohr tyhe tpaeexcnitos rou rsou eolespp to is ,su dela otn iiobenilprytss rae of iwht ot odlh. I ttha yre’uo dnhlgoi olt fo a nkow nda. Utp m’i nodw to you akoy ts’i hetos ithsgn glltien. ’sit eepolp ayok ouy vleo to odasiintpp. Ucsebea sit’ rithe t’is ousry ie,fl nto. And twah ahs scaubee olsduh donig no yuo tyhr’ee be yruo elif eon hte ont slee lnuhdso’t lelt cyacpait to gvliin oyu. E’yuor atht erytlia to eisoracecss rea wtha lal to nogdi yeht tsswenise are your. Hgoinnt em setmrta. Iwll acbk, ti veha uodwl ti teh suvo’hled ahev if ouyr urnievse hdpenaep,. It amde pa(art uoy lclmiteh ipmsoer nsoeiicds vt’neah htta tohuitw nay fsrit i dna hkniting htruohg i llfuy from. . Leo?v) secua ghtif can how. Igben uto teh us mydnsoa not no eertlt of fhxpyierteda wthi ownk all iths fiserdn i yl’lou of eb. ’tcna efil shti uoy utb fcero ni ithgsn. Eyr’teh ewre rof ,us ubt odog ythe nto kown oogd hoert orf caeh ti ’dont yeht not. Eypt better nath rae sfnrdpheii uoy uoy whta are os nigev lvoe and nad eth so rwee fo you mhuc hotwr omer and reedevic mchu. Eocsh eyth oru swa nbige htore owdflloe us uct wdarawk nteh ot it si an ldocu oot mlaebd kactat htaw atlnseirypo seuceab den i ot ishw ifpdsirneh the meoc an )em to gntish say to dan tou, but uryo it i eht den no ewhn hyet wiohtut omdnyas, rae odallew whc(ih. Fo itkinnhg reeattd he’evty you oyu lal yuroe’ are trowh ouabt hiwt btu easecbu tosl eintansss neno elpoep era like htwor wldor, is nda the wnhe tno hte vy’uoe. My nnedti ot yhtwor i dasy ,you sedpn fo tferuu hte dan fleyms, us in ngebi.
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R,rsoy ’mi.
Speeal ,me vrfoegi.
Nathk ,you.
Oelv i uyo.
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O,vle.
Arey old me x 23.

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