A letter from April 10th, 2020

Peaceful right?

Dear FutureMe, If I'm right, (which I am ofc), today is your 21st birthday. Happy birthday E <3 Who'd have thought we'd get here?? I hope you are getting spoiled, by yourself, and remembering that not all birthdays are terrible :). I hope you still have your dynamos (you better, 'cause they're the bestest friends in the world), to party with, but not TOO hard, 'cause we know how that ends! At this current time, you're probably in the middle (I hope in the middle, please don't procrastinate!!), of writing your dissertation on whatever you have chosen! (I still currently think it should be about white privilege in society, but I won't be mad if you choose something better / easier to research :) ). You've nearly graduated, which is a huge achievement, and you should be extremely proud of yourself for everything you've achieved. You may even have a boyfriend by this time, but don't worry if you don't, boys are overrated ;). As I'm sitting here rn, on my bed, at 8:15pm on a Friday night, in a global pandemic where we have been in lockdown for 15 days (and I / you have been in self isolation for about 29 days), I thought I'd tell you how much I love you. 2020 so far has definitely been a rollercoaster, if you remember, March - now has been the hardest. But you are so worth it. I don't think I know anyone more worth it than you. Don't ever let anyone take you for granted. You are worth so much more than someone just picking you up and using you, but if that does happen, pick yourself up. You've picked yourself up from rock bottom before, you can do it again. With the state of the world at the minute, its easy to crawl back into that part of yourself, who doesn't actually know how much you're actually worth.. (I'm aware I've used 'worth' like 50 times but hey i'm not one with words as we both know). And even though you've done that, for those 29 (and more) days, that doesn't make you weak, or any less what you're worth (again.. I know). The point I'm trying to make is, life is continuously kicking you / us / me down, but you CHOOSE life. Everytime. And that's something to be **** proud of. Like a dandelion through the pavement, I persist. Me and mum have almost finished the fifth season of How To Get Away With ******, (hopefully you've now watched season 6 and figured out what the hell is going on!!!), and I don't think I realised until today how much of a big impact it has had on me. I don't think I've admired anyone more than Annalise Keating. I know she's fictional, but she's incredible. She has made me love myself, which hopefully works out for you because hopefully you are loving yourself more than ever. Things I love so much about you is how kind you are, which I often take as being a pushover, which we can be, but my goodness you have a big heart. And with all that loving and helping everyone else you do, letting them enter your heart, surely there's enough room for one 19 year old who just wants to be happy :). The things I thought I hated about myself / us, are the things that make us, us. The dimples in your cheeks when you smile, and your smile which can be as wide as the Cheshire Cat's when you're laughing. Your eyes which have seen so much, but still can be just as kind when you really look into them, and the creases under them when you smile just proves how much laughing you've done when you're with the right people. The way you are with the kids makes me want to be that girl everyday. I am currently a mess, but aren't some messes beautiful? I'm a work in progress, but I promise you I will work my arse off to make sure that when you receive this, you're as happy as you can be and so loved by yourself. And if you're not? Well, you've survived 100% of your worst days yet. That's 21 years worth. But if you still have your dynamos, can see the kids, have your loving family, a roof over your head, and food on the table, then that's all you need to get through the bad days. There's always sunshine if you look for it, there's always something to laugh or smile about, and there for sure is something beautiful in everyday. You were created with a perfect palette. A palette of intelligence, stubbornness, humour, passion, and beauty and lots more that I'm willing to look into myself to find, for you. I don't know what the future holds, but I will make a future, for you, for me. Love, 19 year old me x

Epilogue

about 2 years later

Dear 19 year old me,

Wow, sometimes I think past me is more wise than current me, but we are the same person so I have that wisdom somewhere ha!...

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Lief tath piuesd ouy o(wh to ni nodw ,lrtte)e ltkagin ltcyelempo ’mi my in rea ryae onw, adn s2t1 dncaghe my 23. Life my of swa nad owtrs the it yrae etsb. We swa me orhug regat t12s one, sa tohhrug my not a sanody’m‘ weer my ehtcidd a dbyihtra gnoig tpcha. Uoththguor by i the all nya ttleil be and with wokn hemt moec awy of e,rya i odlwu idnsfre thta ncigbumrl w’ntudlo ti odwn het ddi retespbme. W,yror thbo tmghi meka ghuoen us ei’v ,oyu do’nt utpes, uoy taht of rfo or eth utb skcho iredc. Hwta that wn,ko lla ouy esem i thye tossmmeei rnt’ae to and tnaw leppeo. The heetr raey ew ’dndit inult os 1ts2 eloppe are tsap yuo tath taht aunodr ietllt nlconstaty fo my naym ti ofrm usjt we os uefslr,o ear orsaen tiknh arlsiee that rea. I odpdepr nt’did ruaetagd ceameb losa and yae,r atht i slidiacu eytsnlien tuo. Kwon toin veli a ndnfeouw efil i eoensom ofr woh and but i nd’idt ogt twih to my pu oevl ton gebin yoag… albe ogruhth oitthuw end ohw ldowu leipspd i ti. Rou hitcelml. Rol,wd hs’e hist cdngaeh ni htta m,e my ifle mih si on dan ppectereisv oevl hse oyu trhig uwdol lyotcepeml tjus ehyrvtenig. .
Wnet up i adn i in eary uhhgot a untgirgdaa twih fof ryea :21 1t2s den aadudegtr my in back ddi e,m 2023 i fetar yjul iun a. Eb yuo uropd luwdo os. I ma proud os. Fwe ulngcnosile :) my ednaristtsoi ym dt,ea nad rskam deend fo up tbegigs swa ’tsi fof a and frist to oeetcpirnp on i engbi a the o,n evahtemcnei.
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I ,rdie tis’ a pu but tiwh vere niilgv gmnovi teh etbs nidoeisc dedne out ihclteml, eebn dna. Lsta a thrgi saw a dna nda dadnrga in dimedl ttissaenodir lot deid fo it nigitrw hosck hte ti my turh, era,y. Ducotnl’ of uyo ttah at og ot imh oyu uoy eomc pucole i go i ratef nhtsmo ntio rlett,e imh earft all ese wreto ot dna he a dha tbu doclu ayynwa out eltl tviis swhi dna yuo a l,dkncoow hoem,. (i uyo the kbca so efel ndt’o ,i)lwl wonk ryuo dab nvuerise hsa.
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I hteers luocd tsginh ahtt shwi tell i you. Fo eilk who udorp am i oyu. I wsa 4 ndietas otnmem retla ohw seayr fo uyo the to ihws i kdinre in. Tbu leanihg eoisrpm i u,yo am i. Wsa to ekli, ehla us felysm to rspat msfley eerv to bnee, on doberb rnine adrwin mfor am ttah hdicl lhea okrginw dna ew ’otnd bigen of setoh i denikr i ma i our hnat usfrleo hvae. Dan eys( rtihg npewhse ipomgn we tisghn tiletl rbteroh ew i twingri rntelrycu shit lelw wno, uonfd sceien afert ttl!,)ee!r d’i gigno as adn nad m’i ebsueca n’etar ouyr bti uor hlepde 4 as 13ht on ma batyhdir a otu a veha ewenpsh. I wikrngo ma omteghsni is ubt ttha no. Thsi naurseibdo no i am kgownri oymeran htur htta lefe os dn’to we. Ilbnyisiertsop ont ruo ethy rheot lposepe tno wiht of su, to aesiptxocent adle ti to ruos hodl si aer. Nad euryo’ onwk htat i lto donilhg a of. Upt is’t to hsgitn ’mi llgtnei uoy htoes akoy dwno. Eepolp okya optiadipsn ovel tsi’ ouy ot. Tno aeuscbe f,iel hetir is’t oryus tsi’. Tell ul’hodsnt waht dlhsuo ot eer’yth noigd efil yuo eth caebseu neo nad sha your oyu no not yipctaac eels be lvnigi. Iescarcoses stneseswi lieyrta twah htye onidg yuero’ rouy ot era ot all tath aer. Em ohtgnni tstarem. Ilwl yrou ol’veudhs bk,ca het ti if hvae dwuol aveh it pah,enped uinresev. Rtsfi emipros adn i ti thiuwot ormf ahnvte’ adem icodnseis htat a(rtap nay mlchilte ghrhuto ouy intnihgk i uyllf. . Woh ausce gthif acn o)l?ve. Su ouyll’ fo frdeisn noasmyd all ihst i ton het of teterl wiht on kwon be tuo tdixhepfyera gebni. But lfei thsi uyo reofc tihsng ni n’tac. Hrote it gdoo ahce rof yteh wkno reew for etyh ton tno btu trhe’ey ogdo us, o’dtn. Dan you awht cmhu crdvieee erbett muhc fo yuo ewer so ear eolv hte nda os ihdnrpsife meor rea you egvni nad ntah ptye rhwto. Eht na ieidrnpsfh to ysa whis etrho leldofwo lodwael eldbma het eocm atoieyrpnsl ehnt gnieb si end nde sthnig no actatk era ti yhet yruo ubeaesc doyn,ams newh em) yhte i iowuhtt secho u,to dclou nad too i it was ot twha cut wwdaark to us ci(whh uor ot an ubt. Er’yuo htiw uyo otn era yuo tols hnwe trohw het artdete eebsauc but ow,ldr ekil eth tnnghiik tboau nneo yeteh’v eansntssi nad fo rae lla si yevou’ ohrwt ploeep. Teh su sdepn ot ohtyrw neibg sayd my l,mysfe ni nad fo i itnend y,uo urufet.
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I’m ry,osr.
,me aseepl regiofv.
U,oy kntha.
Lvoe uyo i.
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Vleo,.
Arey me 23 dol x.

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