A letter from April 10th, 2020

Peaceful right?

Dear FutureMe, If I'm right, (which I am ofc), today is your 21st birthday. Happy birthday E <3 Who'd have thought we'd get here?? I hope you are getting spoiled, by yourself, and remembering that not all birthdays are terrible :). I hope you still have your dynamos (you better, 'cause they're the bestest friends in the world), to party with, but not TOO hard, 'cause we know how that ends! At this current time, you're probably in the middle (I hope in the middle, please don't procrastinate!!), of writing your dissertation on whatever you have chosen! (I still currently think it should be about white privilege in society, but I won't be mad if you choose something better / easier to research :) ). You've nearly graduated, which is a huge achievement, and you should be extremely proud of yourself for everything you've achieved. You may even have a boyfriend by this time, but don't worry if you don't, boys are overrated ;). As I'm sitting here rn, on my bed, at 8:15pm on a Friday night, in a global pandemic where we have been in lockdown for 15 days (and I / you have been in self isolation for about 29 days), I thought I'd tell you how much I love you. 2020 so far has definitely been a rollercoaster, if you remember, March - now has been the hardest. But you are so worth it. I don't think I know anyone more worth it than you. Don't ever let anyone take you for granted. You are worth so much more than someone just picking you up and using you, but if that does happen, pick yourself up. You've picked yourself up from rock bottom before, you can do it again. With the state of the world at the minute, its easy to crawl back into that part of yourself, who doesn't actually know how much you're actually worth.. (I'm aware I've used 'worth' like 50 times but hey i'm not one with words as we both know). And even though you've done that, for those 29 (and more) days, that doesn't make you weak, or any less what you're worth (again.. I know). The point I'm trying to make is, life is continuously kicking you / us / me down, but you CHOOSE life. Everytime. And that's something to be **** proud of. Like a dandelion through the pavement, I persist. Me and mum have almost finished the fifth season of How To Get Away With ******, (hopefully you've now watched season 6 and figured out what the hell is going on!!!), and I don't think I realised until today how much of a big impact it has had on me. I don't think I've admired anyone more than Annalise Keating. I know she's fictional, but she's incredible. She has made me love myself, which hopefully works out for you because hopefully you are loving yourself more than ever. Things I love so much about you is how kind you are, which I often take as being a pushover, which we can be, but my goodness you have a big heart. And with all that loving and helping everyone else you do, letting them enter your heart, surely there's enough room for one 19 year old who just wants to be happy :). The things I thought I hated about myself / us, are the things that make us, us. The dimples in your cheeks when you smile, and your smile which can be as wide as the Cheshire Cat's when you're laughing. Your eyes which have seen so much, but still can be just as kind when you really look into them, and the creases under them when you smile just proves how much laughing you've done when you're with the right people. The way you are with the kids makes me want to be that girl everyday. I am currently a mess, but aren't some messes beautiful? I'm a work in progress, but I promise you I will work my arse off to make sure that when you receive this, you're as happy as you can be and so loved by yourself. And if you're not? Well, you've survived 100% of your worst days yet. That's 21 years worth. But if you still have your dynamos, can see the kids, have your loving family, a roof over your head, and food on the table, then that's all you need to get through the bad days. There's always sunshine if you look for it, there's always something to laugh or smile about, and there for sure is something beautiful in everyday. You were created with a perfect palette. A palette of intelligence, stubbornness, humour, passion, and beauty and lots more that I'm willing to look into myself to find, for you. I don't know what the future holds, but I will make a future, for you, for me. Love, 19 year old me x

Epilogue

about 2 years later

Dear 19 year old me,

Wow, sometimes I think past me is more wise than current me, but we are the same person so I have that wisdom somewhere ha!...

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You gahnced ot pemeylltoc ow(h my year 32 ym mi’ odwn in e)tetl,r dna ,now ni s1t2 lefi ignltak taht dueips ear. File asw dan eth of eray bset it wsrot ym. Ugrhoht a gtera rugho a dithbrya phtac 2s1t aws em e,no rewe as ym cdeithd my ‘na’msydo nto ggoin ew. Teh ebtmserpe dulwo konw lla moec atht gthhoruout wya ltodn’uw wond litlet meth i i fo bglmcruni dan it yb dfiresn hte ddi ,eray nay be iwht. Us for fo eohugn estpu, utb thmig oyu, skoch oyu rwy,or tath btho cdrie evi’ kaem t’ndo hte or. I nwta kno,w what all tehy mese to a’rnet uoy oesimsetm dan ttah epeplo. Fo os aer nntcsltoya omrf oleppe oyu ymna we ear unorad ti eiearsl ihknt thta ym ueolf,sr ttha s1t2 tdid’n eht we tspa inutl ethre jsut sraeon yare so are eiltlt hatt. Ttah i eeambc dna pedrdpo i raey, ciudasil d’dtni ieenlsynt ugaetrda uot alos. Utb life my ont thtiwuo ti how ned owh i htourhg fro ivel i htiw i up luwod oudfwnen ogt nkow pspdile ngbie ’nitdd nad ag…oy olev lbea otni moeeosn to a. Uor tlmhicel. Drwl,o ttah eghancd hist dan seh tepvecipers oyu oelv hes’ si ihgtr no me, imh stuj nheriytegv my ni wudol ilfe pltlmeeocy. .
2:1 nde i etnw a ffo ddi up in bcka iun a i 1st2 taefr ujyl i hutohg dna gaadrtdue ym ayre gargdnuiat 3022 e,m in htiw aeyr. So oludw eb rodup yuo. I am os puodr. Ndeed my no het few dna gtgbesi a rsmak eaisntrsdoit tsrfi of up swa nilcuneglso dat,e on, toeppercin i tcaevmeineh it’s adn :) ot ym igben fof a.
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D,rie ngvlii uto ebst htwi vgmion i pu ncisiode i’st eebn a htmicl,le ndede reve nad het btu. My ti dna edmldi it dasittosiner lsta of olt ihrgt ni chsok ey,ar itnirwg a aws the died and aagnrdd a uh,tr. Aawyny peluco a i tte,erl rfaet tsomnh og uyo to twreo a ahd ’nlucodt go wdc,olkno eh tlel at and hswi to of uyo uto m,heo ecmo feart you itvis i ees ouy tath toin ludoc mhi btu mih adn lla. So dtn’o i( sha hte ownk bcka lil,w) nveeiurs uyro oyu bda eefl.
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I wshi i llte seehtr yuo ttah ihsntg cdoul. Rpuod you elik fo i owh ma. Ihsw nemmot in tniades hwo saw niekdr to 4 seyra i i teh alrte fo uoy. Uo,y i but ma ageihln opmeisr i. Fmyles am clhid veer on i tnd’o leysfm berbod asprt rmof uor awrdni veha osthe eebn, hnta ma atth ki,le dnrike i of to ot iwrknog ew lhea wsa nda nbige aelh i erinn us to uflesor. Tyrbhdia sa gtrhi 4 vaeh nda as hngtsi rta’en hsti ehwpnse ,t)re!le!t eebcasu am we llwe rbhoert phdele nda nhwseep celyunrtr ew a a i snieec nwrigti d’i s(ye uro mi’ otu ofndu ignog on,w itb oury niogmp tlteli t13h dan no tfrea. Tath ubt eomnstgih i wgrikno on si ma. Lefe omyenar dot’n stih on snbieruaod rkoiwng we thru i ma os hatt. Otn rou orthe tno eyht hdlo ot ot aer s,u etetasiopxnc fo lade si it peesolp sntiiyespolirb hitw osur. Lnodgih fo a i lot r’euyo kown dan ttha. Upt sit’ yuo ot seoht m’i ndow ngshti inlglet oyak. To ayko olpeep i’ts yuo velo doianptisp. ,flie sti’ eecbusa hirte yosur tno st’i. Ont ytciaacp has hte ouy twah rtyee’h nilvig on lduosh ecusaeb yuo eon ryuo dan file ndiog ot eltl lsee osdth’unl be. Dongi to uoyr ear ou’rye are htta teyh to hwta all setsswnei csciaseerso eiarytl. Em ntgnioh satemrt. Abkc, ’deulhosv ne,ppadeh eavh ti dwlou teh ilwl isreeuvn royu ahev fi it. Dan frtsi ouy i yan otrhuhg thginikn lylfu aedm sisicoedn houitwt ti atht i orspime cmthelil omfr p(tara v’thnae. . Uaecs woh acn v)o?el fihgt. Bigen esdinfr eb nkow telrte fo lla aetedprxhyif yodnmsa ihwt this of i hte ton us otu ul’loy no. Ouy ni iefl gsnhit shti eorfc ’atnc tub. Ofr yhet weer dn’to eeytrh’ ofr ogdo oehrt tno tbu ton ti u,s good tyhe ahec oknw. Rotwh erettb so rea humc hnta hucm vdecreei os teh eewr uoy oyu geivn omer fo pfeniihdrs ear and dna nda you epyt elvo hawt. An it yeht o,nmdsay ti to i ocem dan ot pfeihsirnd si wtah het was )me rtohe i an loudc whsi ned tehn aebmld teh oot actakt yas becsaeu us den but ighstn wadakwr ear yeht wehn ot wldaoel wodoellf gibne hseoc uct chi(wh o,ut no twhuiot yuor uor to nsotpyraeli. Wrd,ol oyu ovuey’ btu lopeep btauo ear enno vy’hete nad inhgitkn of iwht towrh treaetd thwor is lal teh the lost ikel uoye’r ewnh buacsee ouy tno etsnnsias rea. Twrohy my in uy,o esnpd us eth fo gibne dysa intned and ufuert ,meylsf to i.
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Im’ os,ryr.
Aepels goriefv e,m.
Htakn ,uoy.
I velo uoy.
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Ol,ev.
X em eray lod 23.

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