A letter from April 10th, 2020

Peaceful right?

Dear FutureMe, If I'm right, (which I am ofc), today is your 21st birthday. Happy birthday E <3 Who'd have thought we'd get here?? I hope you are getting spoiled, by yourself, and remembering that not all birthdays are terrible :). I hope you still have your dynamos (you better, 'cause they're the bestest friends in the world), to party with, but not TOO hard, 'cause we know how that ends! At this current time, you're probably in the middle (I hope in the middle, please don't procrastinate!!), of writing your dissertation on whatever you have chosen! (I still currently think it should be about white privilege in society, but I won't be mad if you choose something better / easier to research :) ). You've nearly graduated, which is a huge achievement, and you should be extremely proud of yourself for everything you've achieved. You may even have a boyfriend by this time, but don't worry if you don't, boys are overrated ;). As I'm sitting here rn, on my bed, at 8:15pm on a Friday night, in a global pandemic where we have been in lockdown for 15 days (and I / you have been in self isolation for about 29 days), I thought I'd tell you how much I love you. 2020 so far has definitely been a rollercoaster, if you remember, March - now has been the hardest. But you are so worth it. I don't think I know anyone more worth it than you. Don't ever let anyone take you for granted. You are worth so much more than someone just picking you up and using you, but if that does happen, pick yourself up. You've picked yourself up from rock bottom before, you can do it again. With the state of the world at the minute, its easy to crawl back into that part of yourself, who doesn't actually know how much you're actually worth.. (I'm aware I've used 'worth' like 50 times but hey i'm not one with words as we both know). And even though you've done that, for those 29 (and more) days, that doesn't make you weak, or any less what you're worth (again.. I know). The point I'm trying to make is, life is continuously kicking you / us / me down, but you CHOOSE life. Everytime. And that's something to be **** proud of. Like a dandelion through the pavement, I persist. Me and mum have almost finished the fifth season of How To Get Away With ******, (hopefully you've now watched season 6 and figured out what the hell is going on!!!), and I don't think I realised until today how much of a big impact it has had on me. I don't think I've admired anyone more than Annalise Keating. I know she's fictional, but she's incredible. She has made me love myself, which hopefully works out for you because hopefully you are loving yourself more than ever. Things I love so much about you is how kind you are, which I often take as being a pushover, which we can be, but my goodness you have a big heart. And with all that loving and helping everyone else you do, letting them enter your heart, surely there's enough room for one 19 year old who just wants to be happy :). The things I thought I hated about myself / us, are the things that make us, us. The dimples in your cheeks when you smile, and your smile which can be as wide as the Cheshire Cat's when you're laughing. Your eyes which have seen so much, but still can be just as kind when you really look into them, and the creases under them when you smile just proves how much laughing you've done when you're with the right people. The way you are with the kids makes me want to be that girl everyday. I am currently a mess, but aren't some messes beautiful? I'm a work in progress, but I promise you I will work my arse off to make sure that when you receive this, you're as happy as you can be and so loved by yourself. And if you're not? Well, you've survived 100% of your worst days yet. That's 21 years worth. But if you still have your dynamos, can see the kids, have your loving family, a roof over your head, and food on the table, then that's all you need to get through the bad days. There's always sunshine if you look for it, there's always something to laugh or smile about, and there for sure is something beautiful in everyday. You were created with a perfect palette. A palette of intelligence, stubbornness, humour, passion, and beauty and lots more that I'm willing to look into myself to find, for you. I don't know what the future holds, but I will make a future, for you, for me. Love, 19 year old me x

Epilogue

about 2 years later

Dear 19 year old me,

Wow, sometimes I think past me is more wise than current me, but we are the same person so I have that wisdom somewhere ha!...

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Feil wo,n oyu )etter,l psiedu my mlteplcoey ym ndow nda w(ho in ot 32 21st htta aer nktaigl eayr m’i in ehncdga. Setb yera my of wsa it efli dan the wsrot. ,oen aridyhbt a t1s2 me eewr huorg we tpach tno ym a igogn idhdect was as aydmson‘’ ertga ym hogurth. Eb het by i wya indsref wdno ti glbrmucni nwok htta eht fo u’wnlotd wiht eliltt ceom eretmbspe mthe ,yera utgohhotur i lal yna wloud ddi dan. Obth or idcre ttah cohsk meka p,esut ghitm fo ubt royw,r ofr ,you i’ev hte ’todn nughoe uoy us. I esem tiemossem ot tnwa hwat nea’tr taht adn peopel yhte uoy w,nok all. Uaondr my nyma eetrh era atht rae utiln eht ttah ts21 htta nsroea ew ear sjut eislear eeppol ttille ti frmo sapt ytostnclan nthik of o,lerusf ew so os yrae uyo td’din. Prepdod i uot ttah ear,y ytsnnelei i regudaat dna ebecam aslo dlusiiac ddnt’i. Iont rthuhog i hwo whit ti fro ndi’dt ym iotwuht veil sneeoom wnok ubt to up uwodl a eabl dne oyag… elov i dowenunf siepdpl file adn ogt ebgni ont woh i. Uro htlcmiel. Mhi ghadenc esh yuo psertpeevic toelelmpyc dan leif ym he’s ,me lduwo vloe is ujst ni atth eryivhntge no tihs htrig rwlo,d. .
Uni yrae up in 12: i rtfae dne ffo abkc wetn aggandtrui ym hgouth i dan a 12ts ddi uagateddr tiwh e,m 0322 ni i jyul a yera. So ldouw ouy eb uorpd. So pudro i am. I no tis’ wef arskm pu etigsgb my my ,on engib ot ffo :) iluglnocnse het teehnevicma adn was a tsifr a eednd t,eda sitsnortaeid of and cipptneore.
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Gvilni i btse a utb vmingo nda eth pu uto ndeed ,dire cllehm,ti itwh enbe iincdoes veer sit’. In eth tsal r,uht tndtisioeras idmdel drdnaga and ayre, a lto nda it a it grtih ym of dedi csokh asw intiwgr. To to toerw llte lno’tcdu uoldc ftera tbu see a ttha wyayan i i uto eetl,rt ta dna og ohtsnm imh ouy iistv dok,ncolw ehmo, faetr inot ahd meco fo you lpcoue lla nad ouy a eh yuo shiw og imh. Has abd kbac neuevris yuro od’tn onkw teh (i so ouy leef l,wl)i.
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Nisgth ouy htta rteehs i i lelt wihs lcodu. I hwo eilk oprud fo you am. I ommetn ni astnide 4 hwo ot yarse eth lrtea sihw saw i you ekdnri of. I iesmopr btu i uoy, am elainhg. Irenn begin us alhe fo dkeirn i be,en ofmr i reev ttha adn ma dniwar ew hlea ma flymes ot on ruo sfmley i dichl ’ondt swa to ot ie,lk stapr ehav broebd tehos nikogwr nhta solfreu. Rrntylcue thsi yrdatibh !re!tt,)el wgitnir sa veah we iseenc dan rfeat therbro o,wn sauecbe ntishg hwseepn lewl dnuof a our litelt a sa oruy dpleeh s(ey ew aet’nr iogng t13h miongp uot bti no 4 dan phsenew am i di’ rhtig dna i’m. Is i btu ma no hatt igseomnht nokirwg. So no tshi ngrikow am i enmoyar ew rhut lefe anbrusodei thta ’ontd. Uro not ton ot to u,s era etyh ppelsoe uors is isirypotilbnse toerh dael dhol of hiwt ti stntecepaxio. A atth tol i oyreu’ dlighno fo konw and. Geniltl thoes yoak ts’i ptu oyu nsghti mi’ wdno ot. Poeple yuo ot evol okya sntppidiao ist’. Ifel, nto hirte saebceu ryuos ’tis ’its. Lese etreyh’ ushldo on hte tlel losd’htnu uroy eon gidno ivigln sah hwta euebsca uyo ot tcacyiap adn otn eb lief yuo. To thaw twsineess oruy aer rea itraely uroye’ csoesrcesai lla ehyt ndigo ahtt ot. Tnghnoi me trsetma. Vlused’ho llwi ab,ck vahe ldouw ti fi hvea n,peedhpa it evisuenr eth yuor. That fulyl r(ptaa pomrsie i huitwto ginhknit eadm frmo i yuo dna dsseioicn it eimhcllt nya sfitr ta’ehnv rthugho. . How sucae nac htgfi )eo?vl. Eignb xieptyhfraed htwi dysnmoa tno out of infersd all no us eelrtt eb eth i owkn ihts of y’ollu. Na’ct gsitnh but uyo erocf hits efil in. Yeht orf odog ache nwok ont toehr ther’ey ton rof good it were ’tdno tehy ubt su,. Ngvie ear you dna htaw of eerw oyu umch ptey isfnpehdri adn orme so mchu dan are evciedre os eolv ntha ttbere rohtw hte oyu. Me) eescuab kcatta nmy,aosd swhi ot ouwitth woldale uocdl bldaem ubt nda wehn eht oru an on are is to cwih(h to ehty i an edn yas i wradkwa hent herto secoh wsa it yuro ahwt it to iipsedfnrh strainoylpe ned the geibn they thnisg su t,ou flwldeoo omec ctu oot. Lots uebeasc tbu ohwtr hte ihtw wehn atnnsssei utaob are thevye’ uyo lal htwro euvyo’ is ’ouyer rlw,od hte ton ertaedt ighinntk oyu of klie dan oenn lpoepe are. Teh iegbn rowthy sendp su adn etidnn s,yelfm to syda oyu, etfruu my in of i.
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’im ,syrro.
Ealspe fogirve m,e.
Yuo, kthan.
I you vole.
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Oe,lv.
Em 32 yrea ldo x.

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