A letter from April 10th, 2020

Peaceful right?

Dear FutureMe, If I'm right, (which I am ofc), today is your 21st birthday. Happy birthday E <3 Who'd have thought we'd get here?? I hope you are getting spoiled, by yourself, and remembering that not all birthdays are terrible :). I hope you still have your dynamos (you better, 'cause they're the bestest friends in the world), to party with, but not TOO hard, 'cause we know how that ends! At this current time, you're probably in the middle (I hope in the middle, please don't procrastinate!!), of writing your dissertation on whatever you have chosen! (I still currently think it should be about white privilege in society, but I won't be mad if you choose something better / easier to research :) ). You've nearly graduated, which is a huge achievement, and you should be extremely proud of yourself for everything you've achieved. You may even have a boyfriend by this time, but don't worry if you don't, boys are overrated ;). As I'm sitting here rn, on my bed, at 8:15pm on a Friday night, in a global pandemic where we have been in lockdown for 15 days (and I / you have been in self isolation for about 29 days), I thought I'd tell you how much I love you. 2020 so far has definitely been a rollercoaster, if you remember, March - now has been the hardest. But you are so worth it. I don't think I know anyone more worth it than you. Don't ever let anyone take you for granted. You are worth so much more than someone just picking you up and using you, but if that does happen, pick yourself up. You've picked yourself up from rock bottom before, you can do it again. With the state of the world at the minute, its easy to crawl back into that part of yourself, who doesn't actually know how much you're actually worth.. (I'm aware I've used 'worth' like 50 times but hey i'm not one with words as we both know). And even though you've done that, for those 29 (and more) days, that doesn't make you weak, or any less what you're worth (again.. I know). The point I'm trying to make is, life is continuously kicking you / us / me down, but you CHOOSE life. Everytime. And that's something to be **** proud of. Like a dandelion through the pavement, I persist. Me and mum have almost finished the fifth season of How To Get Away With ******, (hopefully you've now watched season 6 and figured out what the hell is going on!!!), and I don't think I realised until today how much of a big impact it has had on me. I don't think I've admired anyone more than Annalise Keating. I know she's fictional, but she's incredible. She has made me love myself, which hopefully works out for you because hopefully you are loving yourself more than ever. Things I love so much about you is how kind you are, which I often take as being a pushover, which we can be, but my goodness you have a big heart. And with all that loving and helping everyone else you do, letting them enter your heart, surely there's enough room for one 19 year old who just wants to be happy :). The things I thought I hated about myself / us, are the things that make us, us. The dimples in your cheeks when you smile, and your smile which can be as wide as the Cheshire Cat's when you're laughing. Your eyes which have seen so much, but still can be just as kind when you really look into them, and the creases under them when you smile just proves how much laughing you've done when you're with the right people. The way you are with the kids makes me want to be that girl everyday. I am currently a mess, but aren't some messes beautiful? I'm a work in progress, but I promise you I will work my arse off to make sure that when you receive this, you're as happy as you can be and so loved by yourself. And if you're not? Well, you've survived 100% of your worst days yet. That's 21 years worth. But if you still have your dynamos, can see the kids, have your loving family, a roof over your head, and food on the table, then that's all you need to get through the bad days. There's always sunshine if you look for it, there's always something to laugh or smile about, and there for sure is something beautiful in everyday. You were created with a perfect palette. A palette of intelligence, stubbornness, humour, passion, and beauty and lots more that I'm willing to look into myself to find, for you. I don't know what the future holds, but I will make a future, for you, for me. Love, 19 year old me x

Epilogue

about 2 years later

Dear 19 year old me,

Wow, sometimes I think past me is more wise than current me, but we are the same person so I have that wisdom somewhere ha!...

.
Hatt flie rtlt)ee, adn won, ’mi ym my 23 italkgn mtlpoleeyc negahcd in nodw in era ispdue to t12s wh(o uoy eyar. Tsbe and ifel wsa of ym het ti aeyr wotsr. Weer asmdo’‘ny a inggo sa not ceddhit hurhotg eon, ym ym em a cptah 12ts tybhiard saw rtega ew ghoru. Edfsnir ti dotu’wln pbmtresee y,are ownk i wnod dluwo iwht het i eocm be uoghttuohr lla taht idd htem hte lrcnubimg lletti ayw nya fo yb dna. Ro u,oy utb bhot rfo kaem orw,ry ohkcs edirc oyu sept,u su d’otn imthg hatt of teh nougeh e’iv. Ttha dan terna’ tyeh metmosise i lepope all nwat esem ot uoy nowk, thwa. Ayre knhti canttnolsy uitnl eppoel aer saeorn eht orfm ew it of rfsuelo, era ttha htta ltilet s12t tujs aynm are aslreie my ehetr stpa aurnod you ew os os didnt’ atth. I i ’intdd adn sloa lyteiesnn htat ciidlsua uto odrpepd becaem uatreagd aye,r. Dna ogt know it edn nnfdewuo velo ohw a not ipsepld htwi emsoeon ilfe …aoyg tub ot othghru ilve fro i ebign oint pu i dd’tin ym who wtoutih i wdluo beal. Uro hmlcitle. Eilf ithrg you s’he is ypellcmtoe gdneahc rnyegvhite hse epeisrctepv in ,em my owlud velo tsih atht stju do,lwr imh on adn. .
Ned ym 12: dan nwet ddi a kabc me, i urtgaaded in nui ulyj off toughh yrea wtih i i st12 tfrae a in 2203 guandgarit pu eyra. Urpod oyu so eb ldwou. Ma i os uprdo. I of efw adn nda srtif gbeni loclnguines pu gibtges aws ym ,no ym ddnee a no dtea, i’st aheemnvtcei treoncpiep a ostrstiadnie teh sakrm to ): ffo.
.
Ivingl pu nad ti’s rdie, lctmeih,l been erev iwth a ddnee eidsocni vingmo tub i etsb otu the. Gdarnad lsta adn th,ru a ni my eidd okshc nda mddeli ra,ey hte ti of tadnoeitsisr irtignw tihgr aws a ti lto. And ecmo mih he lla htta you i toewr ot ouy moeh, anayyw l’touncd hwis tnio kco,olwnd og adh uldco i atfer tub fo lelt ttlre,e otu see ot him ouy a go adn terfa sitiv couepl shnotm you a ta. Has uryo odtn’ lefe uveirsne l),wil nokw you ackb eth os dba i(.
.
Tsinhg htat letl cdoul iwsh reeths i i ouy. Drpou am uoy fo klie i ohw. Rknied esray the ot ohw i aws ni itnsaed ouy ontmme i 4 sihw talre of. Ouy, am i tub i ismroep laihneg. Ma ot erve leyfms avhe to asw us dt’on lhea rtpas of i ew taht omrf neirn inbeg dobebr dekrni giknrow nb,ee no ,lkei anth i cidhl alhe ot ofleurs i ruo thseo meysfl nda adirnw am. Ilttel dpeleh h3t1 we sa gnigo nad 4 hterrob yurtcenrl iwtrign hist rou ellw ruyo ew penwehs ngipmo id’ duofn ete,!)rt!l i dan nceise hyriadbt o,nw tou i’m a am hgtnis a on eraft bti nad anter’ avhe gihtr as y(es esabcue ephsnwe. Si am egsitnmoh tub no i ahtt kwrngio. So that i uthr ew ramnoye sdorbauien ondt’ this on eefl ma nkwgiro. U,s ohdl elda twih nto toehr rae iysboesirniptl eecotnsxitap teyh our to sppeleo fo si to it nto srou. Nad i tol fo hlonigd htta y’ureo wnko a. Uyo put ’tsi ot yako ntghis m’i hseot neigtll wdno. Anoitpdpis ouy ’its ot elppoe ykoa eovl. Fi,le soruy ecbuesa irhte s’it ont sti’. Wtha lnvgii nodgi udlsho be dan apccatyi acseebu rtheey’ lese undlh’tso eltl otn eno eth you you on oyru has flie to. All ot stwnessei yoru era wtha ngdio htey sseasreiocc htat aer ot ou’yer riatyle. Nhtgnio em stmtrea. Fi it lodwu it hte lliw enirsveu hdvouesl’ eape,pdhn eavh bakc, oyur vhae. Itwouht eoismrp llcteihm nihkngit nda at(arp i ylluf mfor i yuo ahtev’n atht it rtsif thghoru cnisediso amde nay. . Ovle)? nca ghfti how eucas. Out i eb hits no negib fo otn asondmy lla nsirdef us uloyl’ leetrt fo owkn eth twhi xfyeradpieth. Ercfo but tshi tinhsg uoy eifl cn’at ni. Oterh it ewre doog nokw not nto ehac thye htey tub s,u rfo rfo t’yhere oodg tn’od. So iindshrpfe tanh os otrwh hte pety oemr hmuc vgein dan vieedcre rtteeb era are mhuc fo elvo nda uoy oyu whta nad uyo wree. On tuihtwo talprineyos swa dlowoelf si ruo uldoc eth )em asy i sebecau thsgni su eth ihfspneird to end uyro wsih nwhe krawwad btu i it oto cesho ot wtah ot come ayosm,dn hyet geibn it na leladwo ehty edn ear an to tuc badmel nhet i(hcwh attkac dna ,tou orteh. Rae butoa of all rea hrwot asitsnnse reeatdt adn but subecae lsot rwoth oplpee th’evey eth ouy nikhntig is nto wneh hte ouy ld,wro enno ue’ovy iwth eou’ry ikel. To of emsl,fy su het asyd eturuf ni ym pesdn eibng ninedt and i rotyhw u,yo.
.
M’i ry,osr.
Apesle ,me rivgeof.
Kthan ,yuo.
You levo i.
.
Ovel,.
Raye 32 lod me x.

This user has written an update to this letter.To see what they wrote, please

Press ← and → on your keyboard to move between letters

Write new comment

Load more comments