A letter from April 10th, 2020

Peaceful right?

Dear FutureMe, If I'm right, (which I am ofc), today is your 21st birthday. Happy birthday E <3 Who'd have thought we'd get here?? I hope you are getting spoiled, by yourself, and remembering that not all birthdays are terrible :). I hope you still have your dynamos (you better, 'cause they're the bestest friends in the world), to party with, but not TOO hard, 'cause we know how that ends! At this current time, you're probably in the middle (I hope in the middle, please don't procrastinate!!), of writing your dissertation on whatever you have chosen! (I still currently think it should be about white privilege in society, but I won't be mad if you choose something better / easier to research :) ). You've nearly graduated, which is a huge achievement, and you should be extremely proud of yourself for everything you've achieved. You may even have a boyfriend by this time, but don't worry if you don't, boys are overrated ;). As I'm sitting here rn, on my bed, at 8:15pm on a Friday night, in a global pandemic where we have been in lockdown for 15 days (and I / you have been in self isolation for about 29 days), I thought I'd tell you how much I love you. 2020 so far has definitely been a rollercoaster, if you remember, March - now has been the hardest. But you are so worth it. I don't think I know anyone more worth it than you. Don't ever let anyone take you for granted. You are worth so much more than someone just picking you up and using you, but if that does happen, pick yourself up. You've picked yourself up from rock bottom before, you can do it again. With the state of the world at the minute, its easy to crawl back into that part of yourself, who doesn't actually know how much you're actually worth.. (I'm aware I've used 'worth' like 50 times but hey i'm not one with words as we both know). And even though you've done that, for those 29 (and more) days, that doesn't make you weak, or any less what you're worth (again.. I know). The point I'm trying to make is, life is continuously kicking you / us / me down, but you CHOOSE life. Everytime. And that's something to be **** proud of. Like a dandelion through the pavement, I persist. Me and mum have almost finished the fifth season of How To Get Away With ******, (hopefully you've now watched season 6 and figured out what the hell is going on!!!), and I don't think I realised until today how much of a big impact it has had on me. I don't think I've admired anyone more than Annalise Keating. I know she's fictional, but she's incredible. She has made me love myself, which hopefully works out for you because hopefully you are loving yourself more than ever. Things I love so much about you is how kind you are, which I often take as being a pushover, which we can be, but my goodness you have a big heart. And with all that loving and helping everyone else you do, letting them enter your heart, surely there's enough room for one 19 year old who just wants to be happy :). The things I thought I hated about myself / us, are the things that make us, us. The dimples in your cheeks when you smile, and your smile which can be as wide as the Cheshire Cat's when you're laughing. Your eyes which have seen so much, but still can be just as kind when you really look into them, and the creases under them when you smile just proves how much laughing you've done when you're with the right people. The way you are with the kids makes me want to be that girl everyday. I am currently a mess, but aren't some messes beautiful? I'm a work in progress, but I promise you I will work my arse off to make sure that when you receive this, you're as happy as you can be and so loved by yourself. And if you're not? Well, you've survived 100% of your worst days yet. That's 21 years worth. But if you still have your dynamos, can see the kids, have your loving family, a roof over your head, and food on the table, then that's all you need to get through the bad days. There's always sunshine if you look for it, there's always something to laugh or smile about, and there for sure is something beautiful in everyday. You were created with a perfect palette. A palette of intelligence, stubbornness, humour, passion, and beauty and lots more that I'm willing to look into myself to find, for you. I don't know what the future holds, but I will make a future, for you, for me. Love, 19 year old me x

Epilogue

about 2 years later

Dear 19 year old me,

Wow, sometimes I think past me is more wise than current me, but we are the same person so I have that wisdom somewhere ha!...

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Yuo yare 23 ’im moyelelcpt dpesiu 21ts my ilfe to lagiknt that aer rte,l)et ,own wond ni ym in (who hgancde nda. Swa ti nad rtsow esbt flie my ayer hte fo. 2t1s we ruhog one, gnoig tno my swa toughrh ridhabty decdhti sa ndyms‘oa’ erwe my gerat tahpc a a em. Ayn ti tmeh awy lwuod odnw yb rtpmseeeb ellitt eay,r hhorttgouu omec ’tulndow i eth did teh be wokn rensfid tath of lal i ubirglmnc nad thiw. Rfo ve’i gthmi ekam ksohc eht that htob fo oyw,rr ndo’t ubt pes,tu yuo, cedri us oyu huonge ro. Dna emes i opplee etosemsim ae’ntr yuo ot htwa ttah lla nwko, hety tanw. Uyo yanm esanor tidn’d rae it sjtu rsueo,fl arye 12ts ettlil nacnylotst that lniut we my are onruad mfro that so fo eht are polpee hrtee htta ew os sileear satp ntkih. Raguetad i became tuo ylnsineet liidsuac ttah i i’tndd drdpoep ay,er nda aslo. Ohw wodul ym lief unnfdoew pslpeid ti enseoom up end d’itnd not gto nkwo dan ielv to ihwt igebn totwiuh i orf ubt lbea a owh iton o…agy i i uhhotrg ovle. Uor eclilhmt. ,em dan on yelolecptm ni si stih hyeenvgtri my eilf sjut hmi hes crespivetep oludw ghndcea vole s’eh thta oyu o,wrdl rgiht. .
Dgdtaurae ni ni fof i i and i yjlu thwi ,em a yaer netw a yare st12 aetrf hhuogt 21: 3220 den ntguagradi niu ddi my bcak pu. Eb uoy olwdu rodpu so. Ma os upord i. :) o,n asw adn of cnrppiteeo ym to fof a het tifrs dnede ditsreotnais begni adn up illcensugon sbtigge ym a ’tis efw teda, metvhacenie akrsm on i.
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A tiwh iglniv tseb melch,itl soiincde ’tsi ,ider utb rvee up dened het mnigov uot eenb i nad. Fo olt storieitndsa ym nda dide ti in limdde ddarnga ,hurt iwtignr hkcso eth dan arey, asw tighr ti a ltsa a. Dah rfaet i lla ubt uyo rwtoe tisvi niot tnshmo uolpce ta uto him mih eh og to could uoy wsih dan dan lrte,te frate fo omhe, ot a ouy hatt see anwyay eocm a n’ucltdo og lo,nwdock i etll uyo. I( l,lwi) uoy uoyr efel cabk bda eersinvu the ahs t’ond konw so.
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Ertshe hatt doulc shnitg i tell ishw i yuo. Ma you of leik i podur owh. Was tmonme kidner lreta shwi to woh i 4 i ni ryaes dsatnie hte uoy fo. Roepsmi but i ahnlgei i ma uy,o. Wsa drkeni ma hatn fo to i stohe efylsm omfr uoersfl tdno’ us our htat erve vahe dan am einrn ot hael i rigkwon we en,eb i on ealh yfeslm drinwa ebign lkie, hcldi tsrpa ot bdoebr. Hroebrt lewl nad ehva as i yes( tngiwri le)!,e!trt enrat’ ew cyleurrtn dna nggio im’ tgrhi ht31 senweph pmogni 4 your nda htis cisene as uto a udfno besceau d’i eltlti a ma atidhyrb ,onw no tfear peehdl itb isnhgt hewsepn ew our. I mohtegins on is tub riwgnko tath ma. Hutr uarisdneob flee so no atht we enromay dt’on kniwrgo hsit i am. Ldoh ehyt leda thwi ton ont rileiiynpsosbt fo rae ,su ot ot oru erhot pexeaoicttsn ours ti lpopees is. Thta a tlo uorey’ adn lohgidn of wonk i. Tngihs ot yuo thseo ayok im’ gilnlet ptu ’ist dwno. Uyo s’it yoak olev epople ot andiotppsi. ’sti tihre oyurs efl,i otn ist’ eabusec. Nad one be efli uyo oyu hte eyreht’ hsa ogind otn ltle uoyr giivnl no taccpyia ouhlsd hsotld’un beescau ot whta esle. To lyeiart sentwesis uryo to rae ehyt dogin all thta eu’oyr rae ahwt ciasersesoc. Mtsater ngiohnt em. Teh uyro aevh euirensv ,back iwll hvea fi ’vuehldos ehae,ppnd luodw it it. Illmcthe iocssnedi a’nhtev i tath i prioesm form intkghni rughhto rtifs lfuyl nda tpa(ra ti adme wtuoith uyo any. . ?oe)vl owh acn gtifh aucse. Tish nto ytixrpehedaf onadmys on itwh niebg owkn tuo be i of fo ’lyulo us sdrenif lla etretl eth. Ifle sith feocr tghsni ouy ni ’acnt tub. Fro ont ont rfo tyeh ewer ’dont godo ti htero wkno htey tbu ,su cahe oogd eerthy’. Hmcu fo weer aer uoy uyo eieevdcr teretb ptye tahn yuo love fnhrsdpiie nda twah thwor era adn so the mreo os much envgi adn. Na si torhe eyht ti adwkawr no yteh den i ot oruy btu oto gthins udocl ot uct teh tacakt ehnt nidifshpre otu, oolwdfel den su rou i w(hich nda awth lealdow oesch het em) to yas aws m,donysa an hwsi omec enopslritay to rae it bngei ehnw elmbad suceaeb hiwttuo. Fo leki obtau tbu vuyoe’ ardeett ear the rlw,do you epeopl ton ubaesce htiw si orwht orthw lal onne sotl ’uoyre ouy ear ignnikht tsnasseni het and ewhn evhety’. The utuerf indtne fo eibng yu,o nda ndpes su asyd i ni ot my hyrwto lfs,yem.
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’mi ys,rro.
M,e govfrie lapees.
,yuo nhkta.
Vleo i oyu.
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Ol,ve.
Em ldo x ryae 23.

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