A letter from April 10th, 2020

Peaceful right?

Dear FutureMe, If I'm right, (which I am ofc), today is your 21st birthday. Happy birthday E <3 Who'd have thought we'd get here?? I hope you are getting spoiled, by yourself, and remembering that not all birthdays are terrible :). I hope you still have your dynamos (you better, 'cause they're the bestest friends in the world), to party with, but not TOO hard, 'cause we know how that ends! At this current time, you're probably in the middle (I hope in the middle, please don't procrastinate!!), of writing your dissertation on whatever you have chosen! (I still currently think it should be about white privilege in society, but I won't be mad if you choose something better / easier to research :) ). You've nearly graduated, which is a huge achievement, and you should be extremely proud of yourself for everything you've achieved. You may even have a boyfriend by this time, but don't worry if you don't, boys are overrated ;). As I'm sitting here rn, on my bed, at 8:15pm on a Friday night, in a global pandemic where we have been in lockdown for 15 days (and I / you have been in self isolation for about 29 days), I thought I'd tell you how much I love you. 2020 so far has definitely been a rollercoaster, if you remember, March - now has been the hardest. But you are so worth it. I don't think I know anyone more worth it than you. Don't ever let anyone take you for granted. You are worth so much more than someone just picking you up and using you, but if that does happen, pick yourself up. You've picked yourself up from rock bottom before, you can do it again. With the state of the world at the minute, its easy to crawl back into that part of yourself, who doesn't actually know how much you're actually worth.. (I'm aware I've used 'worth' like 50 times but hey i'm not one with words as we both know). And even though you've done that, for those 29 (and more) days, that doesn't make you weak, or any less what you're worth (again.. I know). The point I'm trying to make is, life is continuously kicking you / us / me down, but you CHOOSE life. Everytime. And that's something to be **** proud of. Like a dandelion through the pavement, I persist. Me and mum have almost finished the fifth season of How To Get Away With ******, (hopefully you've now watched season 6 and figured out what the hell is going on!!!), and I don't think I realised until today how much of a big impact it has had on me. I don't think I've admired anyone more than Annalise Keating. I know she's fictional, but she's incredible. She has made me love myself, which hopefully works out for you because hopefully you are loving yourself more than ever. Things I love so much about you is how kind you are, which I often take as being a pushover, which we can be, but my goodness you have a big heart. And with all that loving and helping everyone else you do, letting them enter your heart, surely there's enough room for one 19 year old who just wants to be happy :). The things I thought I hated about myself / us, are the things that make us, us. The dimples in your cheeks when you smile, and your smile which can be as wide as the Cheshire Cat's when you're laughing. Your eyes which have seen so much, but still can be just as kind when you really look into them, and the creases under them when you smile just proves how much laughing you've done when you're with the right people. The way you are with the kids makes me want to be that girl everyday. I am currently a mess, but aren't some messes beautiful? I'm a work in progress, but I promise you I will work my arse off to make sure that when you receive this, you're as happy as you can be and so loved by yourself. And if you're not? Well, you've survived 100% of your worst days yet. That's 21 years worth. But if you still have your dynamos, can see the kids, have your loving family, a roof over your head, and food on the table, then that's all you need to get through the bad days. There's always sunshine if you look for it, there's always something to laugh or smile about, and there for sure is something beautiful in everyday. You were created with a perfect palette. A palette of intelligence, stubbornness, humour, passion, and beauty and lots more that I'm willing to look into myself to find, for you. I don't know what the future holds, but I will make a future, for you, for me. Love, 19 year old me x

Epilogue

about 2 years later

Dear 19 year old me,

Wow, sometimes I think past me is more wise than current me, but we are the same person so I have that wisdom somewhere ha!...

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In wodn ear ,now in dghaenc (hwo esipud ot ),etrtle iefl ttha ym yaer m’i aitngkl my yuo 12ts nad 23 meloypctel. Tosrw nda ym fo wsa etsb ti eth ifel eary. A as igogn patch ym t1s2 irtybadh ew rugoh ym rhhtguo ,noe md‘as’oyn rgaet rewe tno asw me dhitdec a. Ourhttghou did fo ti nbulrmcgi teh rifdesn lietlt mthe retsempeb i i are,y eb any wokn wnod emco htat eht ’uonlwdt way and iwht lal by duwol. Ro fo us ,esptu kohcs vi’e hognue eth kaem utb mgtih cerdi orf dto’n ou,y both uyo thta wory,r. Eleppo wnat hyte to emtssmioe dan i ent’ar tahw lal esme uyo wn,ok atht. Rmof era d’itdn atth tpas we liutn elppeo lreaise ouy it ehetr just rea actnnlysot ahtt so ounadr eroans tlelit yman ihknt ts12 so of my ls,ruefo hte ew rea eyar htta. Thta i ebmaec tou ,yrea sciudali ndidt’ enntyeils pddoerp alos i artuaedg and. Ebnig otn i den fro tddin’ i aebl epdspil pu tithwuo to how a ti tog yoag… efnwuond thghruo i iton who btu eilf nda vlei itwh my lodwu wonk moseneo olev. Rou temcillh. Setpepcvrei teoycllpme ilef ehs vloe hits rhtig dna m,e ’hes si nedahgc mih ni atht ,owrld dulow jtus no yuo my hegtvnyeri. .
Fof a dan yare i ni i ewtn july a :12 2st1 edn tarfe eayr tiwh abkc digaatgnru i did terduadag ni ym pu em, 2320 niu uothgh. Oudlw ouy os rpdou be. Os dorup i am. On nda mkars ot aws being isdnroetaits si’t ehcmtenieav a up ym enropicpet dende fof ewf my ): ggesibt trsif n,o nad eht i oiecslnnulg a eadt, fo.
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Htiw eenb lnigvi movgin t,elhmcil a but i tsbe tuo nddee up ird,e ineiscod hte dna vere t’si. Hut,r ti a ni rganadd salt ti dan fo hgrit a wrintgi cohsk otl aws rintoisteasd dan dide a,rey my miedld the. ,omeh go imh at tion rtaef uyo see i ntclod’u sitiv ,cnwkdolo uoy cluod iswh ouy omec nad imh ot freat btu a tuo ahtt og puelco he lelt of i nda othsnm a weort all to oyu elrett, dha wyaayn. Dba hte bcak os ,ilw)l uyo usirveen o’ntd i( oyur wokn efle ahs.
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Shiw lcdou nsgthi i oyu that i rheste llte. Lkei i ma how of uyo druop. I entaids yresa netmmo lrtea oyu in ot i irkden fo wsa 4 wsih the woh. I am i imsopre nehgail utb o,uy. N,bee fmor have tsarp hatn i begni toesh adn ruo l,eki gniowkr dirwna fo erev us n’otd ot mlesfy to ndreki efmsly uorfsel alhe ot ew i htat ienrn idhcl rbbdeo aws ma no i am aelh. Stnhig a ew out uesceba ufond adn npiogm oru teltli llwe a no e)!!ett,lr we yse( m’i own, cyrnuertl 4 adn yruo ma igtrwin isth irgth sneepwh ggnoi adn eldphe tbi as tfear brhrtoe vhae sa 31th iceens tahdybir n’arte i nesewph di’. I tbu si that rknowgi no am esthoimng. Igwrnok no so siht dosaunierb oeaymnr i nt’od eefl atth hurt ma ew. Eald hetor uro htwi yhte ot of ours nto rea u,s is to nrsyipsiitoebl oaienxtptcse ton eplpoes olhd it. Lto a loidgnh i youer’ kown of adn tath. Ot oyu s’it hnsitg ptu oyka oeths letgnil dnwo m’i. Poeelp kyoa to ’sit spaitdpnio oyu eovl. ,feil ubaeesc ehrit ruyso ’sit ont it’s. Nigod lsee icctaypa eb ielf hawt uyro to nto nilvig ouy hodsul hdu’slnot tlel yer’eht on noe dna teh has you aesebcu. All yrou ear sareisccsoe to tath ’uyore to eyrtial nogid are htey what stseeiwns. Igonnth temtras me. Hte luowd oyur it esvnueir if will it huev’olds bak,c eavh pah,enedp vaeh. Uoittwh nvtae’h lihtcelm i epmosir i frmo ulylf maed ouy edisniocs it ahtt nay rtugohh tknihign tirsf (raatp nad. . O)e?vl owh nca itgfh eausc. All u’yoll su heitprdeayfx fo kwno rttele ebnig isht i het fo no whit otn indrfes tou eb msyaodn. Yuo rceof tishng hits in btu elif cna’t. Tno for gdoo ti ’dton us, odgo otn for ewre ceha hyet yteh oehtr rtehe’y btu know. Veedcrie fo oemr leov oyu rea dna rhnsfpdeii so hrwot mchu eingv ouy ypte eht tahn adn nad bretet twah were os aer much ouy. Csoeh i aktcta nthgsi ethn )em dan ot thwa htye hetor gnebi ,uot teh na eth to aakwdwr erolintpays ot era asw etyh hicwh( dne hotitwu an too no enwh i it elmabd ot llfedowo our su cemo si eusecab olaewdl uryo iwsh psndirhefi ti tcu asy d,myasno udolc btu end. Eht ilke draeett oyu adn beecuas rae ro,wld nsintsesa hwotr nweh ueor’y tinhnkig e’htyev noen e’ouvy het ihtw era owhrt otsl otn tbu of lal tbaou uoy si eppelo. Dan ftruue lef,sym y,ou su nepsd fo bieng my entdin the in i ot torwhy sayd.
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Orys,r im’.
Easelp gorvife me,.
Kahtn y,uo.
Uyo i vole.
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O,elv.
23 old me ayer x.

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