A letter from April 10th, 2020

Peaceful right?

Dear FutureMe, If I'm right, (which I am ofc), today is your 21st birthday. Happy birthday E <3 Who'd have thought we'd get here?? I hope you are getting spoiled, by yourself, and remembering that not all birthdays are terrible :). I hope you still have your dynamos (you better, 'cause they're the bestest friends in the world), to party with, but not TOO hard, 'cause we know how that ends! At this current time, you're probably in the middle (I hope in the middle, please don't procrastinate!!), of writing your dissertation on whatever you have chosen! (I still currently think it should be about white privilege in society, but I won't be mad if you choose something better / easier to research :) ). You've nearly graduated, which is a huge achievement, and you should be extremely proud of yourself for everything you've achieved. You may even have a boyfriend by this time, but don't worry if you don't, boys are overrated ;). As I'm sitting here rn, on my bed, at 8:15pm on a Friday night, in a global pandemic where we have been in lockdown for 15 days (and I / you have been in self isolation for about 29 days), I thought I'd tell you how much I love you. 2020 so far has definitely been a rollercoaster, if you remember, March - now has been the hardest. But you are so worth it. I don't think I know anyone more worth it than you. Don't ever let anyone take you for granted. You are worth so much more than someone just picking you up and using you, but if that does happen, pick yourself up. You've picked yourself up from rock bottom before, you can do it again. With the state of the world at the minute, its easy to crawl back into that part of yourself, who doesn't actually know how much you're actually worth.. (I'm aware I've used 'worth' like 50 times but hey i'm not one with words as we both know). And even though you've done that, for those 29 (and more) days, that doesn't make you weak, or any less what you're worth (again.. I know). The point I'm trying to make is, life is continuously kicking you / us / me down, but you CHOOSE life. Everytime. And that's something to be **** proud of. Like a dandelion through the pavement, I persist. Me and mum have almost finished the fifth season of How To Get Away With ******, (hopefully you've now watched season 6 and figured out what the hell is going on!!!), and I don't think I realised until today how much of a big impact it has had on me. I don't think I've admired anyone more than Annalise Keating. I know she's fictional, but she's incredible. She has made me love myself, which hopefully works out for you because hopefully you are loving yourself more than ever. Things I love so much about you is how kind you are, which I often take as being a pushover, which we can be, but my goodness you have a big heart. And with all that loving and helping everyone else you do, letting them enter your heart, surely there's enough room for one 19 year old who just wants to be happy :). The things I thought I hated about myself / us, are the things that make us, us. The dimples in your cheeks when you smile, and your smile which can be as wide as the Cheshire Cat's when you're laughing. Your eyes which have seen so much, but still can be just as kind when you really look into them, and the creases under them when you smile just proves how much laughing you've done when you're with the right people. The way you are with the kids makes me want to be that girl everyday. I am currently a mess, but aren't some messes beautiful? I'm a work in progress, but I promise you I will work my arse off to make sure that when you receive this, you're as happy as you can be and so loved by yourself. And if you're not? Well, you've survived 100% of your worst days yet. That's 21 years worth. But if you still have your dynamos, can see the kids, have your loving family, a roof over your head, and food on the table, then that's all you need to get through the bad days. There's always sunshine if you look for it, there's always something to laugh or smile about, and there for sure is something beautiful in everyday. You were created with a perfect palette. A palette of intelligence, stubbornness, humour, passion, and beauty and lots more that I'm willing to look into myself to find, for you. I don't know what the future holds, but I will make a future, for you, for me. Love, 19 year old me x

Epilogue

about 2 years later

Dear 19 year old me,

Wow, sometimes I think past me is more wise than current me, but we are the same person so I have that wisdom somewhere ha!...

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Adn 32 thta raye you ,own ,tr)ltee s12t wdno ot pdseiu in gantkil ’mi oclpemlyte h(wo my ni life ym cagdenh rae. Rtswo my saw flei yrae teh stbe fo it dan. Hogur noigg asw yrbdahti dctihed em 1st2 aterg reew o‘nm’days ym as a orhtghu not my e,on a ew acpth. Teh erifnds eht dlwou ray,e cemo iwht be nut’dowl etitll tmeh nay smrpeteeb onwd i did it nad i htat yaw lal mrilcubng of by gouhhurott knwo. Emka ont’d you thgmi fo tub btoh spt,eu ,ryrow neuogh ,uyo ttha iedcr ockhs us ro ofr ’vei the. Etsosmemi i atnw lal dan yuo thwa poeple hety mees ot ’tnrea thta ,nkwo. Satp ymna ew arye peloep oyu ew ahtt omrf rae os selo,fur sonaer rea nctsnaloyt ym oanudr that ustj aer rthee saeelri kthni of ’iddtn lutni 1s2t ti het elltti so tath. Era,y edrdpop uaeardtg osal otu tath i cisladui dt’din nyisetnel dan meabce i. Up but ofr idlsepp ouhtghr okwn hiuottw otg noeosme who a dtn’di my i inegb dufwnneo oitn i nde ot o…gya olve dan how i not ti ldwuo efli with ebla elvi. Rou lclmheit. Jsut dan tish odlrw, htta m,e si woldu no se’h my hngedca in hmi tiyeegrnvh ouy lfie hirgt hes rtveeseppci cmlotleeyp veol. .
Uni year fof ljuy my dna i ackb entw a hgohtu a ni ,me ferat up i itdnggarua 2320 adgdtearu den i did wthi in eyra st12 2:1. Ldwuo oudrp be uyo os. I os pudor am. Ffo gtebigs i ,no wef atincmeeevh daet, no amkrs :) s’ti igenb ot and ym cetieppnor a ifstr edend of teh my enlnsioulgc was up and a oniteiatsrsd.
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Niecdsoi rdi,e eevr ddnee pu ogivnm eebn eht wtih ’its i a givinl thc,iellm best tbu and out. Nriwgit ni and ti nda delimd was a lsat ym ndaadgr eht isetisnotrad otl died thgri yare, a utrh, fo it khcso. Ceulpo a stiiv frtae tr,tlee taht yuo i tou i smohtn ot utb eaftr eh ees tion dna fo go lla ocme a terwo dna og oh,me hda ot ihm uyo you lw,okcndo whis lduco hmi uyo ta lctnod’u aaynyw eltl. Dba t’dno ruyo het has flee ll,iw) (i uoy wokn ieesnuvr cabk os.
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Ltle shwi i githns uoy sheret i htat duocl. Am lkei fo odpru ohw ouy i. Ot ealrt ni hwsi saw owh hte eomtmn yuo fo rkedni i daitens esyar 4 i. Ma ou,y tub i psermoi i aihnelg. Trsap n,bee to idawrn ldhic dan i to ethos heal that asw benig am drekni heva su felsym mflyes ew ot of bedobr no rvee rnnie ofeulrs oiwnkgr i athn ma our rmof lkie, ontd’ elah i. A ’im i onw, cesuaeb tefar 4 orbrteh i’d pngomi inesce igngo dna ett,!)e!lr tnsihg epdleh we hgirt epswnhe ehav h13t uor wigrint esy( itb ma a hwnesep irdahtby ate’rn isht llew sa no ew as your lltite dna uot nad uonfd cyrlretnu. Tath is tbu i on gwrionk ma sgmiehton. Os t’dno onmayer atht itsh am nkroigw we lefe no aesidournb hutr i. To eorht xatocetpsein lsepeop not tehy lepinrosbytiis it si ,su ot wtih rosu uro rae lohd of adle not. Ry’oue owkn atth ihlgond i fo olt a adn. Sit’ im’ theso ngetlli dwno uyo ot inhgts ayko tup. Eppole veol istoapdipn ’tis aoyk to ouy. Not suecbae feli, ts’i is’t ruyso erthi. Uyo oen ash ’ethyre uhodls uyro ginvli hte ot on efil ton ycatpaci else hawt eb esceaub ogdin adn ’lhonudts letl uoy. Ot iaetlry gnido htta tyhe esiwnsset uyro are reyo’u ahtw to lla are sosarcicese. Ohntgni em mtrtesa. Reuivnse aveh the uryo if ,cabk uhel’vsod luwdo it it illw ,hdppeean vahe. Ayn haetvn’ i gtnkiihn sfitr it fmro atpra( iporems csonsedii ouy trohguh tath i ulylf mdea nda wuothit etlilmch. . )evo?l can scuea woh tgihf. Etrlet ixhypretdfae tish su i niegb eb het ’lyulo lla kwno sdrnief hitw not on fo of msdaony uto. Oefrc stih ni c’nta uyo but efil hnstgi. Eyht ethor ownk utb haec hreeyt’ not ewer ton ’otnd it ogdo ofr s,u they rfo oogd. Os uyo umch tetebr teyp ivnge rwoht oyu nda fo adn ear umch eovl ihpisfernd tnah ereviedc os reom eht weer nad rae tahw oyu. Rawkdwa teohr is nde bucseea was to htye yas sdrifihepn wdofelol )me nthe they uory teh dna aodewll ot no are uor o,tu ot y,aodnms to utc owituht ubt shwi na i w(chih su teh it odluc na akttac i it hsoec ned whne come nloraieptsy bledam ntsghi ingeb awth oto. ’yuroe ohwtr het oslt tub uoabt ton twih fo dan all ’htveey inhgktni oyu tohrw eertadt is rae uyo dr,low teh rea enatsissn ilke ueseabc ovyue’ ehwn epepol neon. My to in dsnep ruufte su fo and ndtien uoy, mlsyf,e bengi i htrwoy dsay the.
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Ry,ors mi’.
Efvigro m,e eleaps.
Tankh you,.
I ouy levo.
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Eo,lv.
X ayer dlo em 23.

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