A letter from April 10th, 2020

Peaceful right?

Dear FutureMe, If I'm right, (which I am ofc), today is your 21st birthday. Happy birthday E <3 Who'd have thought we'd get here?? I hope you are getting spoiled, by yourself, and remembering that not all birthdays are terrible :). I hope you still have your dynamos (you better, 'cause they're the bestest friends in the world), to party with, but not TOO hard, 'cause we know how that ends! At this current time, you're probably in the middle (I hope in the middle, please don't procrastinate!!), of writing your dissertation on whatever you have chosen! (I still currently think it should be about white privilege in society, but I won't be mad if you choose something better / easier to research :) ). You've nearly graduated, which is a huge achievement, and you should be extremely proud of yourself for everything you've achieved. You may even have a boyfriend by this time, but don't worry if you don't, boys are overrated ;). As I'm sitting here rn, on my bed, at 8:15pm on a Friday night, in a global pandemic where we have been in lockdown for 15 days (and I / you have been in self isolation for about 29 days), I thought I'd tell you how much I love you. 2020 so far has definitely been a rollercoaster, if you remember, March - now has been the hardest. But you are so worth it. I don't think I know anyone more worth it than you. Don't ever let anyone take you for granted. You are worth so much more than someone just picking you up and using you, but if that does happen, pick yourself up. You've picked yourself up from rock bottom before, you can do it again. With the state of the world at the minute, its easy to crawl back into that part of yourself, who doesn't actually know how much you're actually worth.. (I'm aware I've used 'worth' like 50 times but hey i'm not one with words as we both know). And even though you've done that, for those 29 (and more) days, that doesn't make you weak, or any less what you're worth (again.. I know). The point I'm trying to make is, life is continuously kicking you / us / me down, but you CHOOSE life. Everytime. And that's something to be **** proud of. Like a dandelion through the pavement, I persist. Me and mum have almost finished the fifth season of How To Get Away With ******, (hopefully you've now watched season 6 and figured out what the hell is going on!!!), and I don't think I realised until today how much of a big impact it has had on me. I don't think I've admired anyone more than Annalise Keating. I know she's fictional, but she's incredible. She has made me love myself, which hopefully works out for you because hopefully you are loving yourself more than ever. Things I love so much about you is how kind you are, which I often take as being a pushover, which we can be, but my goodness you have a big heart. And with all that loving and helping everyone else you do, letting them enter your heart, surely there's enough room for one 19 year old who just wants to be happy :). The things I thought I hated about myself / us, are the things that make us, us. The dimples in your cheeks when you smile, and your smile which can be as wide as the Cheshire Cat's when you're laughing. Your eyes which have seen so much, but still can be just as kind when you really look into them, and the creases under them when you smile just proves how much laughing you've done when you're with the right people. The way you are with the kids makes me want to be that girl everyday. I am currently a mess, but aren't some messes beautiful? I'm a work in progress, but I promise you I will work my arse off to make sure that when you receive this, you're as happy as you can be and so loved by yourself. And if you're not? Well, you've survived 100% of your worst days yet. That's 21 years worth. But if you still have your dynamos, can see the kids, have your loving family, a roof over your head, and food on the table, then that's all you need to get through the bad days. There's always sunshine if you look for it, there's always something to laugh or smile about, and there for sure is something beautiful in everyday. You were created with a perfect palette. A palette of intelligence, stubbornness, humour, passion, and beauty and lots more that I'm willing to look into myself to find, for you. I don't know what the future holds, but I will make a future, for you, for me. Love, 19 year old me x

Epilogue

about 2 years later

Dear 19 year old me,

Wow, sometimes I think past me is more wise than current me, but we are the same person so I have that wisdom somewhere ha!...

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Ngdahec my in 32 ayer uoy ot kantgli mi’ eisdup rae ni tcellmoyep lfei adn h(ow dwon le,ett)r atth ym n,wo 1ts2. The ym file sebt erya fo it sowrt swa adn. Was tpahc erew ,eon 2s1t my gruho my grtae ggnio em as rbtdyhai dtidche ont a turghho we soday‘’nm a. Ddi bnumcigrl llttie and y,are emht doulw meoc wkon het hte it i wiht edfsrin fo i ahtt teserpmeb eb wya hthruootgu ’ulwdton dnow lal yan by. I’ve ro emak eht ohueng htta dreic mhtgi thob yu,o woryr, rof us of but ouy cshko tdn’o ps,eut. Thwa ’etarn okn,w ot i taht dan etyh tawn eesm oyu all pelpeo meimotsse. So epepol atth rtehe ear we nmya jtus arye so ym tnlcnatyos ntliu onrsea rudnoa aerlies romf s21t hatt the sofurl,e ttah itetll ear ti tnihk rae dt’ind uyo apts ew fo. Ebcmae caiulids i and orppded tuo era,y ntenileys i aaugedtr did’tn taht alos. I to hwo a got ym pu ubt ned rfo oknw elba toin ti gebin love agy…o dn’tdi ievl omoeens hwo dsilepp htwi wdounnfe i i and dowlu ton utrhogh efli ihouttw. Emilchtl uor. Htta imh ustj w,dolr uoy uwldo evlo adn iygvrehent ceviereptsp she my tirgh poeclyetml no si lief ,em in dghcnae hs’e ihts. .
T21s ned otuhhg bkca i year inu a ni m,e nad i i a ertaugdad etfra in pu ym reay jylu 1:2 nwte off idd hwit 0223 againgdtru. Be rdpou yuo uwold os. Drpuo i so ma. Adt,e tirnsosdtaei adn :) toceeprnpi eignb a on dan uglnonlscie teh tisrf ym ehteavciemn swa no, a fwe ’sit my ndeed ffo egibtgs i ot fo up samkr.
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Stbe nda i het ’tsi ovngmi a hitw vinigl noeidics eerv pu but dened uot re,di iltl,emhc nbee. My it a demdli het titrindsseao ddei a ,eayr it tiirngw asw tgihr ni fo rdaagnd tlo uhrt, adn dna cohsk atsl. A lal ,eohm tfrae tou i opecul uyo go sthnom tdounlc’ ihm he i letl mih ot see yawnay btu trelt,e lcnowod,k wotre ouy lucdo a oyu eocm freat iton oyu adn vtsii dna ahtt ta to hiws go fo adh. Iuvsenre os w),lli yruo (i uyo sah the o’dnt bda nwko elfe abck.
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Htat locdu oyu tlel i hngits esrteh ishw i. Of yuo i roudp am ohw kile. Taelr daensit seyra to tneomm i 4 dkneri i ihsw of teh owh ni uoy swa. Ou,y am i pieorms iaeghnl i ubt. Hatn and awinrd hlea ahle ikgwnor sefuolr ma krdnie on’td seoth ot taht eevr us i ruo to vhae frmo saw ma we einbg rdebob ot trpas fo on ,eben i inern i smyelf emlfys dchli i,ekl. Rhigt phnseew ma esacebu 3ht1 btehror ignog eelphd dan i terna’ veah 4 heswnep iigwrtn as uyor oru ew es(y dan etitll we sa )rttlee!!, wno, ribdhyat a euynltrrc mnopig tou dan no sgntih i’m a etrfa nseiec dnufo llew bit iths ’di. No si i btu mosegihtn nrwikgo ttah am. Ma i iths efel urht bniuseadro taht no o’tdn so myanore nkoiwrg we. ,su dale yhte of ruos is ont opeiysntiirslb ot it tno oldh to eetaiocstxpn aer ihtw esopepl other ruo. Of tlo ruey’o a i nwko and atth gdiolhn. Oyka tlngile tghsni ehots ts’i wond tup im’ ot you. Ot loppee yuo tndpasoiip i’ts kyao leov. Oyusr not sti’ efil, sueceab sti’ rhtei. The and ont shduol ouy ingod etll ytehe’r esel oyu paytcica ot eb yoru one abuseec glivin no feil sah odhst’uln awth. Ariytle ndoig wsistense ahtw uory to all rea are to orssicsaeec ttah eoyru’ they. Em rtesatm ognthni. Veah ti vhea eht if eievnusr it dolhusv’e wlli cb,ak penapdhe, lowud yuor. Dna thrhogu fully ta(apr atth i ecidnisso it mfro iighnnkt pmsireo uyo ohttuwi ifsrt eadm mllctihe ’vthena nay i. . Owh tifgh lv?)oe cna uaecs. Us of the ibneg llyu’o i htsi lla itwh ysnmaod knwo fisdnre tou no be of not yhrfpiaxdtee ettlre. File stih tub ihtnsg ’ntac ni oecrf uyo. Ewre ehty wkno good ont te’hrey ton fro ,us doog htey utb rof it rohte tnod’ hcea. Tebetr nda os nda rwee owrht uhmc levo vigen htwa hatn ermo nda uoy tpey so aer hcum eth you era verdeice phriefdnis ouy of. Aer ot heyt an ctu nda it dmbela i )me bcsauee bineg lpisyoatren ays ot teh ertho eoawlld cemo akrdwaw ic(hhw i ,uot olwlodfe dnpishierf it edn saw odluc shgint no eyht nde oot an hnte yuro ubt wnhe shoce is uro us taackt yosdman, iwhs ot the to uttwiho awht. Btu ’ouyer ouy uy’veo e’hyevt eatrdte orhtw sstanisne of ehwn teh onne si ont eikl ear o,dwrl whrto thwi tngihink eth nda ear useabec olts butao uoy pepoel lla. Ni i nad rueutf yrotwh nesdp of dsya the su bngei yuo, lf,syme entndi my ot.
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O,rsyr mi’.
,me leaesp ivgfreo.
Antkh ,uoy.
I yuo levo.
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,olev.
Em 23 old year x.

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