A letter from April 10th, 2020

Peaceful right?

Dear FutureMe, If I'm right, (which I am ofc), today is your 21st birthday. Happy birthday E <3 Who'd have thought we'd get here?? I hope you are getting spoiled, by yourself, and remembering that not all birthdays are terrible :). I hope you still have your dynamos (you better, 'cause they're the bestest friends in the world), to party with, but not TOO hard, 'cause we know how that ends! At this current time, you're probably in the middle (I hope in the middle, please don't procrastinate!!), of writing your dissertation on whatever you have chosen! (I still currently think it should be about white privilege in society, but I won't be mad if you choose something better / easier to research :) ). You've nearly graduated, which is a huge achievement, and you should be extremely proud of yourself for everything you've achieved. You may even have a boyfriend by this time, but don't worry if you don't, boys are overrated ;). As I'm sitting here rn, on my bed, at 8:15pm on a Friday night, in a global pandemic where we have been in lockdown for 15 days (and I / you have been in self isolation for about 29 days), I thought I'd tell you how much I love you. 2020 so far has definitely been a rollercoaster, if you remember, March - now has been the hardest. But you are so worth it. I don't think I know anyone more worth it than you. Don't ever let anyone take you for granted. You are worth so much more than someone just picking you up and using you, but if that does happen, pick yourself up. You've picked yourself up from rock bottom before, you can do it again. With the state of the world at the minute, its easy to crawl back into that part of yourself, who doesn't actually know how much you're actually worth.. (I'm aware I've used 'worth' like 50 times but hey i'm not one with words as we both know). And even though you've done that, for those 29 (and more) days, that doesn't make you weak, or any less what you're worth (again.. I know). The point I'm trying to make is, life is continuously kicking you / us / me down, but you CHOOSE life. Everytime. And that's something to be **** proud of. Like a dandelion through the pavement, I persist. Me and mum have almost finished the fifth season of How To Get Away With ******, (hopefully you've now watched season 6 and figured out what the hell is going on!!!), and I don't think I realised until today how much of a big impact it has had on me. I don't think I've admired anyone more than Annalise Keating. I know she's fictional, but she's incredible. She has made me love myself, which hopefully works out for you because hopefully you are loving yourself more than ever. Things I love so much about you is how kind you are, which I often take as being a pushover, which we can be, but my goodness you have a big heart. And with all that loving and helping everyone else you do, letting them enter your heart, surely there's enough room for one 19 year old who just wants to be happy :). The things I thought I hated about myself / us, are the things that make us, us. The dimples in your cheeks when you smile, and your smile which can be as wide as the Cheshire Cat's when you're laughing. Your eyes which have seen so much, but still can be just as kind when you really look into them, and the creases under them when you smile just proves how much laughing you've done when you're with the right people. The way you are with the kids makes me want to be that girl everyday. I am currently a mess, but aren't some messes beautiful? I'm a work in progress, but I promise you I will work my arse off to make sure that when you receive this, you're as happy as you can be and so loved by yourself. And if you're not? Well, you've survived 100% of your worst days yet. That's 21 years worth. But if you still have your dynamos, can see the kids, have your loving family, a roof over your head, and food on the table, then that's all you need to get through the bad days. There's always sunshine if you look for it, there's always something to laugh or smile about, and there for sure is something beautiful in everyday. You were created with a perfect palette. A palette of intelligence, stubbornness, humour, passion, and beauty and lots more that I'm willing to look into myself to find, for you. I don't know what the future holds, but I will make a future, for you, for me. Love, 19 year old me x

Epilogue

about 2 years later

Dear 19 year old me,

Wow, sometimes I think past me is more wise than current me, but we are the same person so I have that wisdom somewhere ha!...

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Ntilgka ownd my in iedsup geahncd ym uoy w,on oeytplelmc 32 mi’ l,retet) in 2t1s ielf ot yera hw(o adn rae thta. Srwot my esbt of eht elfi ryea dan ti swa. Ont grhuo my en,o were ew decithd me tapch etgar igong ym a swa as a hydbrait t1s2 oy’‘dsman tuhgrho. Of nwko it htta tiletl het pmbeertes ddi reya, erisndf meth udnow’tl udwol i lla by wodn dan hte i burincmgl ywa ayn tugrothohu hiwt eb eocm. Csokh fo tbu iv’e hotb sp,uet do’tn euohgn atht you iercd the or su ,yuo kame wyo,rr rfo gimth. Seme lal dan ouy tosememis i yeht htat ok,wn wnat what rntae’ ppeloe ot. So os 21ts eht etehr atth of flersou, rea utsj we that uyo tilnu duonar tath iddtn’ we ti ieersal eoplpe tltlie amyn my era arenos satp raye nttnsoycal rea rmfo knthi. I lyisetnne htat tiddn’ i pdeordp tuo ry,ae dteauagr iiucdlsa maecbe asol nad. Ot vlei elvo owh tub uwtoith into owh onwk piespdl …goya end enmoseo orf leab ielf i a tdidn’ thurhgo i nda tgo ti my thiw nnfudeow i gnieb pu ludow ton. Uor llcehimt. Rsepitpveec ttah olduw adn you si htiyevnreg ilef od,rwl ym isth m,e in oevl hmi on geahdcn tujs ehs’ loymteepcl hirtg hes. .
Nda pu iungdagart ddi lyuj akcb ,me den i tfear reya a s21t ni raey tihw in i dreagdatu 2:1 fof houtgh 2302 i inu ewtn a my. Dpour be uoy ldowu so. Os am odrpu i. A wef itsgbeg genib adn of :) dan to vmecnaeehit ym eht luocsiglnen te,ad swa dotniessiart no srfti ’sti edden pu fof ym eoetippcrn i a marsk on,.
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Pu ire,d i and a nbee thiw stbe btu eht vnigli s’it ivmngo edden eevr ,eltcihml tou sndoeiic. Eht lot tirhg deid asw stdinarostei ym of a th,ru a ranaddg iedldm inigrtw it ti and adn ni ae,ry chkso atsl. Iitsv uyo wihs that uoy at i all hmi nad uot uoy o,clkownd go ltel fo htosnm mhi ees ’dcontul ot ot i ertaf you ftare uldoc a ntio nda e,moh tub he a wtroe cpueol og awnayy dah cmoe tlere,t. Il)lw, oruy t’odn eefl bkac i( ash het know uoy uvereins so bda.
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Ttah dlcuo hstign whis i eehrts uoy tlle i. Yuo i uodpr of owh am klei. Eht in fo erikdn ouy was i esadnti siwh aetrl i who 4 metnom to yersa. I peormis am i hgelnia ubt uyo,. Ee,bn am stpra vree ,ekli steoh ahel mrof of anth dwrian ew felmys avhe kierdn to brbeod no eignb hlea hatt enrin i mfeysl su ot oru ihcld dan am asw urfeols n’otd wngikor ot i i. Nda esniec ibt oigng nte’ra ihts ahve pnimgo heedlp eartf nhspeew e!)rt,te!l our rebrhto hsngti wlel yrtnrucel aebecsu uory a as as 3h1t y(es i gnitiwr nw,o noufd on id’ ghtri otu dan am a we 4 llteit ew dyihabrt snehwpe m’i and. Ttah ma utb i gohiesnmt is krwogin on. Griwkno no htur tish am os ew iunaedbros lfee i eonryma atth dtno’. Ehort otn si plespoe fo ont ot to dlho aer s,u eixpescatnto our ours bsiepinrtoyisl edal ethy hitw ti. Tol i dna ttha knwo ’oyrue a of odngihl. Yaok to nltgeli instgh ownd uoy im’ sehot ptu ’tis. Eppoel evlo sti’ ouy pdantsopii oyka ot. Oyrsu saeuebc tno ti’s its’ iterh feil,. Llte ot t’yhere lief hte and tiypccaa giilvn dolhsu dusln’hot ngdoi noe no lese sha twah eb ecubsea oyu ruoy uoy tno. To cseeacssiro ssewitens htat eiylart lla yuor to htwa ehty ear igond ear uorey’. Mtersta ntghion em. Eahv neuvseir evha de’uvoslh would het ti if it yrou hdaen,ppe wlli a,kcb. Wtthoiu ven’tha uyo doicsneis i ti tnigkinh rpaat( ylulf itfsr dna form horhgut aedm msopire ayn that i llmcetih. . Hwo ceuas nca fthig )l?veo. Tiwh fo ibeng eedhipyfxrat teeltr lla on be osnyadm tuo wokn the us ylol’u hsti otn rdiefsn i fo. In flei uoy sgntih tub natc’ ofrce htis. Htreo ery’eht fro o’tdn yeht but oodg wree they heca knwo orf oodg nto ,su ti tno. Ouy so eewr hcmu cumh ovel hant twha engiv nad ouy of eth rotwh rea and recdeive fsehipdinr ebettr so dan teyp uoy moer rae. Su cmeo are nebig is yhte fsndepriih i ti swa nad an tkatac no acubees hte ,otu ti secoh me) i ahtw pnealisyotr an to uro ebadml ehwn lodcu edn to to htne to mydas,on oledwal oeflwdlo utc hte hwsi aawwkrd uoyr (wchih hety too sgnith asy tub twohuit eotrh den. Teh iihtgnkn thrwo ’eyouv rw,ldo eo’yru tiwh radetet lal auobt lsto rowht si uoy not btu suaceeb enwh iekl hte dan ppleoe fo rae noen oyu era ’hteyev isnestsna. Of su idtnen eth ot my lmsy,ef rfeutu nda ni ysda bgien uy,o hotwyr i pnsed.
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’im rros,y.
Lseaep veorfgi me,.
Nhtak y,uo.
Vloe oyu i.
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,olve.
Em x odl yera 23.

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