A letter from April 10th, 2020

Peaceful right?

Dear FutureMe, If I'm right, (which I am ofc), today is your 21st birthday. Happy birthday E <3 Who'd have thought we'd get here?? I hope you are getting spoiled, by yourself, and remembering that not all birthdays are terrible :). I hope you still have your dynamos (you better, 'cause they're the bestest friends in the world), to party with, but not TOO hard, 'cause we know how that ends! At this current time, you're probably in the middle (I hope in the middle, please don't procrastinate!!), of writing your dissertation on whatever you have chosen! (I still currently think it should be about white privilege in society, but I won't be mad if you choose something better / easier to research :) ). You've nearly graduated, which is a huge achievement, and you should be extremely proud of yourself for everything you've achieved. You may even have a boyfriend by this time, but don't worry if you don't, boys are overrated ;). As I'm sitting here rn, on my bed, at 8:15pm on a Friday night, in a global pandemic where we have been in lockdown for 15 days (and I / you have been in self isolation for about 29 days), I thought I'd tell you how much I love you. 2020 so far has definitely been a rollercoaster, if you remember, March - now has been the hardest. But you are so worth it. I don't think I know anyone more worth it than you. Don't ever let anyone take you for granted. You are worth so much more than someone just picking you up and using you, but if that does happen, pick yourself up. You've picked yourself up from rock bottom before, you can do it again. With the state of the world at the minute, its easy to crawl back into that part of yourself, who doesn't actually know how much you're actually worth.. (I'm aware I've used 'worth' like 50 times but hey i'm not one with words as we both know). And even though you've done that, for those 29 (and more) days, that doesn't make you weak, or any less what you're worth (again.. I know). The point I'm trying to make is, life is continuously kicking you / us / me down, but you CHOOSE life. Everytime. And that's something to be **** proud of. Like a dandelion through the pavement, I persist. Me and mum have almost finished the fifth season of How To Get Away With ******, (hopefully you've now watched season 6 and figured out what the hell is going on!!!), and I don't think I realised until today how much of a big impact it has had on me. I don't think I've admired anyone more than Annalise Keating. I know she's fictional, but she's incredible. She has made me love myself, which hopefully works out for you because hopefully you are loving yourself more than ever. Things I love so much about you is how kind you are, which I often take as being a pushover, which we can be, but my goodness you have a big heart. And with all that loving and helping everyone else you do, letting them enter your heart, surely there's enough room for one 19 year old who just wants to be happy :). The things I thought I hated about myself / us, are the things that make us, us. The dimples in your cheeks when you smile, and your smile which can be as wide as the Cheshire Cat's when you're laughing. Your eyes which have seen so much, but still can be just as kind when you really look into them, and the creases under them when you smile just proves how much laughing you've done when you're with the right people. The way you are with the kids makes me want to be that girl everyday. I am currently a mess, but aren't some messes beautiful? I'm a work in progress, but I promise you I will work my arse off to make sure that when you receive this, you're as happy as you can be and so loved by yourself. And if you're not? Well, you've survived 100% of your worst days yet. That's 21 years worth. But if you still have your dynamos, can see the kids, have your loving family, a roof over your head, and food on the table, then that's all you need to get through the bad days. There's always sunshine if you look for it, there's always something to laugh or smile about, and there for sure is something beautiful in everyday. You were created with a perfect palette. A palette of intelligence, stubbornness, humour, passion, and beauty and lots more that I'm willing to look into myself to find, for you. I don't know what the future holds, but I will make a future, for you, for me. Love, 19 year old me x

Epilogue

about 2 years later

Dear 19 year old me,

Wow, sometimes I think past me is more wise than current me, but we are the same person so I have that wisdom somewhere ha!...

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T12s ot fiel ym nwod im’ iepdus algintk dna cmtllyopee rea wh(o ni et,)trel encahgd ym in eayr uyo ,wno thta 32. Ym aws dna of esbt eray eth rsowt ti eilf. Ew my not a swa ,eno yrhdaibt a uhghrto em orugh htcpa a’nsdoym‘ dchidet eratg ngogi rewe ym s21t as. Mhet tpreebsme etltli ahtt eth rfniesd dnwo wya ,ayer fo i idd kwno und’twol mceo uwdlo all eb adn ncglrbium nay eth i by thwi it goturhouth. W,rory eohgun riced gmtih t’odn ro eth us ei’v ubt ,yuo fo for ouy thta sckoh tbho ,peust akme. Nwat ra’nte hatt msee yuo whta ememisost oeeplp lla nad kw,no to i tehy. N’didt it os of tspa eo,srulf rea ttah my ew os hatt tjsu 2s1t iunlt are rdnuoa eray we arsliee ereth epleop era elttil srnaoe orfm tntslncaoy oyu that hte nhkit nmay. Nsyienetl ddit’n soal uot i urtadgea eodprpd uaidicls dan emacbe aye,r that i. I ogt i it pu ao…yg ingeb twih nwok levo osemeon ’idntd founewnd tthoiuw nda tno i dne eilv btu psleidp rfo ntio hghuort a ym hwo efli odulw ebla owh ot. Tceilhlm our. Uolwd dna ahcgedn se’h ceveeiprtps sjut ihm etnvryghie tigrh thta elif is shit ouy no eovl pcoeemllty em, my seh ni wl,dro. .
I giarutdnag ulyj reay in ym 1st2 2320 ,em bkac eafrt a hthugo reay end 2:1 tudgaeadr wiht idd i and ni a i up inu ffo wnte. Be uropd oyu os owdlu. I so uropd am. A swa ): oesilnlcgnu epenoritpc on, ngbie st’i wfe adn the ym ddnee aemvhintcee tebiggs my to teoidstasrin fof dan ,daet no mrsak irfst of pu a i.
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Ogmniv eevr ddnee ubt ’sit a tou ligniv up dan tehcli,ml nsdcoiei the ir,de steb nebe i hwit. ,eyar it tol of a a dna in t,urh rgiiwnt it ocksh gdnarda edid tihgr the atls my adiinetssrot dlmide wsa nad. Dn’cuolt rafte tath aynyaw and mih ot oyu iistv i he trafe lal tlr,tee uto i uyo uyo a him ese tub hnostm dha a meco eolcpu swhi clodu ot ,onoklcwd rowet go adn yuo tlle fo eom,h oitn ta og. Has oury so tod’n i( flee eht vsrneuei abd uoy abck i,l)wl nkwo.
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I ahtt you ihws lelt i dcluo ehrets ngtihs. Uopdr elik woh ma of i ouy. Rteal in the wish 4 you isndeat ot momnet arsye fo aws i owh i idrkne. Aenhilg but o,uy i am iepmrso i. I erev hvae no radnwi we to su ldhci ealh tshoe oredbb ennri hale nebe, saw to smelfy rkndei dtno’ adn ot oru i fo ousrefl i ttha ysemfl am ptras ma nbieg than wgniork kiel, rmfo. Ane’tr snphwee 4 out gitsnh ew ew as hreortb h31t w,on ’im on i’d aryhtbid hsti nda ma and as featr well pehedl t)trel!,e! foudn cuelnyrrt our a i rgthi your grwniit gnogi csieen nad eliltt eys( a usebeac tbi aveh sepwnhe nmpiog. No am nghosmite i onwgrik htta ubt si. So am irgwkon hutr htis on anedousrib i eomrany we n’odt elef taht. Ot ti ihwt ton s,u ldoh lespeop rsuo spaieeoncttx to rtoeh oru fo ton dela are iiyeonsbtrlpsi si yteh. Of taht i dgionlh know dna lot oruy’e a. ’sti uoy ot htoes wdno tisgnh ingltle okya i’m upt. Oelv to plepoe nisoapdpit oyu s’it kayo. It’s yuros ehtir cesabue not ’sti ef,li. Ont waht viginl s’noluthd neo on nda eth ouy uoy ctyaacpi sha eles sholud ongid oryu llte feil teyeh’r to eb bsceaeu. Ssiestwne aer all ot wtah ot ressoaecsci niodg ’ruoye yhet elairty aer uory ttah. Me ntnigoh etamsrt. Kacb, vhea nuriseve it the pedp,hnea wuold iwll eulo’hvsd it ahev if ryou. Ttah hitowut uoy i nya ieprsom apatr( made ninihkgt h’etnav romf lchlimet i lfluy nda ristf nsoeicisd hgotuhr ti. . Owh fgthi can eov?l) aecsu. On tshi lolyu’ twhi be i otn niegb lal lreett rsefnid oknw su eetafhryipxd fo of uto omdansy eth. Ant’c ni tngshi yuo shit elif rfcoe utb. Godo eyht for ton owkn rfo erew tyeh echa ,su hroet ogod it but ton hye’etr dotn’. Rae moer tpye and you reevidce so wtha uhmc era the athn ovle so oyu dna much eetrbt rhinpdisef fo gniev dan oyu erew otrhw. Us tgihns ysa loldawe rehto dawwakr ot tcu nhew i edn to ruyo iswh hwich( i heyt ot to nrytapeisol omydsna, gbnie an si me) dserifpinh aws cseho edbaml dne adn utb wthutio ,otu aer hte het oducl ttaakc coem it hten awht aeubcse it uor on wfloldoe an tyhe oot. Uyo is ear tihw epeolp gntikhin edeattr dan oe’ryu rea escaebu tassensni rhotw ’vuoey nneo lal tols hwrto tevh’ye ont elik nwhe fo hte wlrdo, tbu ouy uotba hte. Of uy,o senpd my rufeut su in i ,lfseym ebing adn etindn to het rtoywh sady.
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’im ,osrry.
Em, ivfgoer paeels.
,yuo tnakh.
I love you.
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,elvo.
Em 23 eayr ldo x.

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