A letter from April 10th, 2020

Peaceful right?

Dear FutureMe, If I'm right, (which I am ofc), today is your 21st birthday. Happy birthday E <3 Who'd have thought we'd get here?? I hope you are getting spoiled, by yourself, and remembering that not all birthdays are terrible :). I hope you still have your dynamos (you better, 'cause they're the bestest friends in the world), to party with, but not TOO hard, 'cause we know how that ends! At this current time, you're probably in the middle (I hope in the middle, please don't procrastinate!!), of writing your dissertation on whatever you have chosen! (I still currently think it should be about white privilege in society, but I won't be mad if you choose something better / easier to research :) ). You've nearly graduated, which is a huge achievement, and you should be extremely proud of yourself for everything you've achieved. You may even have a boyfriend by this time, but don't worry if you don't, boys are overrated ;). As I'm sitting here rn, on my bed, at 8:15pm on a Friday night, in a global pandemic where we have been in lockdown for 15 days (and I / you have been in self isolation for about 29 days), I thought I'd tell you how much I love you. 2020 so far has definitely been a rollercoaster, if you remember, March - now has been the hardest. But you are so worth it. I don't think I know anyone more worth it than you. Don't ever let anyone take you for granted. You are worth so much more than someone just picking you up and using you, but if that does happen, pick yourself up. You've picked yourself up from rock bottom before, you can do it again. With the state of the world at the minute, its easy to crawl back into that part of yourself, who doesn't actually know how much you're actually worth.. (I'm aware I've used 'worth' like 50 times but hey i'm not one with words as we both know). And even though you've done that, for those 29 (and more) days, that doesn't make you weak, or any less what you're worth (again.. I know). The point I'm trying to make is, life is continuously kicking you / us / me down, but you CHOOSE life. Everytime. And that's something to be **** proud of. Like a dandelion through the pavement, I persist. Me and mum have almost finished the fifth season of How To Get Away With ******, (hopefully you've now watched season 6 and figured out what the hell is going on!!!), and I don't think I realised until today how much of a big impact it has had on me. I don't think I've admired anyone more than Annalise Keating. I know she's fictional, but she's incredible. She has made me love myself, which hopefully works out for you because hopefully you are loving yourself more than ever. Things I love so much about you is how kind you are, which I often take as being a pushover, which we can be, but my goodness you have a big heart. And with all that loving and helping everyone else you do, letting them enter your heart, surely there's enough room for one 19 year old who just wants to be happy :). The things I thought I hated about myself / us, are the things that make us, us. The dimples in your cheeks when you smile, and your smile which can be as wide as the Cheshire Cat's when you're laughing. Your eyes which have seen so much, but still can be just as kind when you really look into them, and the creases under them when you smile just proves how much laughing you've done when you're with the right people. The way you are with the kids makes me want to be that girl everyday. I am currently a mess, but aren't some messes beautiful? I'm a work in progress, but I promise you I will work my arse off to make sure that when you receive this, you're as happy as you can be and so loved by yourself. And if you're not? Well, you've survived 100% of your worst days yet. That's 21 years worth. But if you still have your dynamos, can see the kids, have your loving family, a roof over your head, and food on the table, then that's all you need to get through the bad days. There's always sunshine if you look for it, there's always something to laugh or smile about, and there for sure is something beautiful in everyday. You were created with a perfect palette. A palette of intelligence, stubbornness, humour, passion, and beauty and lots more that I'm willing to look into myself to find, for you. I don't know what the future holds, but I will make a future, for you, for me. Love, 19 year old me x

Epilogue

about 2 years later

Dear 19 year old me,

Wow, sometimes I think past me is more wise than current me, but we are the same person so I have that wisdom somewhere ha!...

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Lre,)ett life era to seuipd dgchnea eray ym 23 dan oh(w 2s1t mi’ ym hatt in dwon no,w ni yletclpemo oyu glnakit. It ym ielf sebt the adn saw trwso arey of. My 2s1t were onmy’sa‘d we cptha my wsa no,e dihedtc ont me touhrhg sa rguoh raget a daihrtyb onigg a. Wtih nwok wn’outdl teiltl yb be a,rye srnfide nad fo hrooutuhgt hte lla did i eth emht yan ttah eestmrebp dwon coem it i awy unlrcimgb oldwu. Thbo ryw,or keam uoy us otd’n coshk for ttah het utb ro yu,o direc tse,up ohngeu vie’ fo ithgm. Esemostmi w,nok ta’ern lla dan oyu eyth tnwa to i tahw eesm ppeelo atth. We are of arosne taht nyma fulse,ro lpeope ti iaersel satp so uanrdo nd’tdi my uinlt heter teh oyu so aer lnosyttnca khtni rae htat sutj atht yare ew mrof elitlt t1s2. Gtaaduer nelinytes prodped uasdclii thta i bmaece i’tddn erya, uot losa i dan. Nad totwuih ned a to genbi moosnee btu owh eilf up i in’tdd otn i noti feodnwnu who ti pesdlip ivle o…yag i uodlw htiw my oknw for got tgohruh ovel lbae. Hmcletli ruo. Jstu yrgevntihe htta ilef shit ,lword dan eacnghd wduol hes hmi ,em rhtgi no ym eh’s ni vcesrpptiee oyu love si elyemcoptl. .
2:1 2032 bkac utgadader ewtn idd fof dna in m,e a i juyl thouhg ts12 eayr ym in igdganutra a i thiw pu i ned uni reya freat. Yuo be lwodu so dprou. Ma i rodup os. A mksra fof ebsggit ym gnbei wsa optciernep rtisf up ededn no ot nad dna i :) et,ad ewf a it’s on, ulnnesilcgo sdtostiirnae fo hte ym mhiecaevnet.
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Pu but a ithw dna uot i dndee evre bste il,lhtecm bnee iodnsiec e,rdi nvigli mnogiv the it’s. Niwitgr swa a ti ya,er teh a lto in my tlas nad edmdli isotiransdte chosk right of hurt, dedi adn it gaanddr. Dulco hatt a fo nad out ot cemo a yyawan rtlete, tbu mhi lla go at ot rteaf i uoy honmts oulcep ahd i dan onit ohm,e uoy ouy see letl he tfera dnwo,klco you sivti wrtoe ihsw t’nlcodu og imh. ,lwl)i elfe sha adb owkn oyu do’tn ckba ruyo os (i teh uinrseve.
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Atht siwh odclu tell you nghsit rseeth i i. Dupro you hwo ikel ma i fo. To dneirk setniad i of rysea saw i ltare shwi 4 mtemno ni the you how. Am hagelin pmoiesr i oy,u i tbu. Am on of selmfy ahev was rwadin heal ot nad su vere psrta tshoe nbe,e thta omrf derink oru we ot iek,l oerbbd heal i ihdlc i tanh mfeyls i rnogwik lusrofe to engib ma d’otn reinn. Th13 ’id hnstgi aevh am ldepeh im’ dan aeftr donuf pgnmio htrydaib atr’ne wesphne as tib i sceein we out nad eys( thsi asebceu a a errynulct on nwo, rerhobt tiwinrg oiggn 4 rhtgi nad tellit wlle !e)t,rlet! sa oru ew royu wpsnehe. Rognikw ma utb atht i si on mhnegtois. Htur mryoean am i gkiowrn atth on dn’to so tsih seauonridb ew lfee. To pleosep oru hreot ot of su, edal hold linytesrpsbioi neosttpxciea hiwt it not rosu eyht si are not. Ndoilgh onkw fo adn lto i a htat yoe’ru. Aoky down mi’ tnsgih lntlgie tup t’si to oyu tesho. Elvo plepoe piotdispan ’sit yoka to yuo. L,ief eucaseb is’t tno it’s syruo retih. Ahtw oyu dna ton catpicay no teh gdoin efil beeascu sele one vilnig llte to et’ryeh uyro uohdls ash oyu be oludtn’hs. Ot sceoaierssc tenweisss to htat thye lla rye’ou uroy ear rea iogdn twha trliaye. Tnignho staetmr em. It dluwo eadppen,h if will have aehv dleovhsu’ abkc, the yoru it rviesneu. I epsirom tituohw taht thnva’e trohugh par(at fmro inighknt chllmiet ifsrt yuo iiscoensd amde yan adn lfluy i it. . Sauec who anc ifght eol)v?. Ollu’y exfphrtadyei su uot srfiend het engbi of on hits ton oknw i tteerl fo eb ihtw all mynodsa. Rceof ni ubt lfie tshi snhtgi uyo c’nat. Oterh onwk su, rof teyh e’threy aehc ubt eewr ont dogo odgo ti nto dto’n teyh orf. Emor oyu os than ucmh ewer os are dan of vole eht wath owthr rea tyep etrbte iprfheisdn adn ucmh you gievn and uyo ivecerde. Tcu ehtro i ruoy codlu na end asw rawkwad era atwh dna dlfolewo yas to hseco chwih( mealdb em) ,sdmnoya nthe oot hte nbige us withotu no na to btu hety u,ot si tihsgn eht hswi den niepidrhfs neysarptilo ot it ti sceaueb i henw ehty ceom to rou catkat leadowl. Hte torwh ear si ourye’ oeyvu’ eploep noen stlo uyo leki htiw reeadtt otabu hrtow drlo,w ubt lal tv’eeyh eht wehn ont sieassntn becaesu nda fo oyu era igkihtnn. Dsay bneig teh adn to lmyf,se dpnes fo htrywo my ni fruute su i ,uyo nindet.
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M’i rsr,oy.
Apeesl vrifgoe m,e.
,uoy nhkat.
I you eovl.
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Elov,.
32 ayer x odl me.

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