A letter from April 10th, 2020

Peaceful right?

Dear FutureMe, If I'm right, (which I am ofc), today is your 21st birthday. Happy birthday E <3 Who'd have thought we'd get here?? I hope you are getting spoiled, by yourself, and remembering that not all birthdays are terrible :). I hope you still have your dynamos (you better, 'cause they're the bestest friends in the world), to party with, but not TOO hard, 'cause we know how that ends! At this current time, you're probably in the middle (I hope in the middle, please don't procrastinate!!), of writing your dissertation on whatever you have chosen! (I still currently think it should be about white privilege in society, but I won't be mad if you choose something better / easier to research :) ). You've nearly graduated, which is a huge achievement, and you should be extremely proud of yourself for everything you've achieved. You may even have a boyfriend by this time, but don't worry if you don't, boys are overrated ;). As I'm sitting here rn, on my bed, at 8:15pm on a Friday night, in a global pandemic where we have been in lockdown for 15 days (and I / you have been in self isolation for about 29 days), I thought I'd tell you how much I love you. 2020 so far has definitely been a rollercoaster, if you remember, March - now has been the hardest. But you are so worth it. I don't think I know anyone more worth it than you. Don't ever let anyone take you for granted. You are worth so much more than someone just picking you up and using you, but if that does happen, pick yourself up. You've picked yourself up from rock bottom before, you can do it again. With the state of the world at the minute, its easy to crawl back into that part of yourself, who doesn't actually know how much you're actually worth.. (I'm aware I've used 'worth' like 50 times but hey i'm not one with words as we both know). And even though you've done that, for those 29 (and more) days, that doesn't make you weak, or any less what you're worth (again.. I know). The point I'm trying to make is, life is continuously kicking you / us / me down, but you CHOOSE life. Everytime. And that's something to be **** proud of. Like a dandelion through the pavement, I persist. Me and mum have almost finished the fifth season of How To Get Away With ******, (hopefully you've now watched season 6 and figured out what the hell is going on!!!), and I don't think I realised until today how much of a big impact it has had on me. I don't think I've admired anyone more than Annalise Keating. I know she's fictional, but she's incredible. She has made me love myself, which hopefully works out for you because hopefully you are loving yourself more than ever. Things I love so much about you is how kind you are, which I often take as being a pushover, which we can be, but my goodness you have a big heart. And with all that loving and helping everyone else you do, letting them enter your heart, surely there's enough room for one 19 year old who just wants to be happy :). The things I thought I hated about myself / us, are the things that make us, us. The dimples in your cheeks when you smile, and your smile which can be as wide as the Cheshire Cat's when you're laughing. Your eyes which have seen so much, but still can be just as kind when you really look into them, and the creases under them when you smile just proves how much laughing you've done when you're with the right people. The way you are with the kids makes me want to be that girl everyday. I am currently a mess, but aren't some messes beautiful? I'm a work in progress, but I promise you I will work my arse off to make sure that when you receive this, you're as happy as you can be and so loved by yourself. And if you're not? Well, you've survived 100% of your worst days yet. That's 21 years worth. But if you still have your dynamos, can see the kids, have your loving family, a roof over your head, and food on the table, then that's all you need to get through the bad days. There's always sunshine if you look for it, there's always something to laugh or smile about, and there for sure is something beautiful in everyday. You were created with a perfect palette. A palette of intelligence, stubbornness, humour, passion, and beauty and lots more that I'm willing to look into myself to find, for you. I don't know what the future holds, but I will make a future, for you, for me. Love, 19 year old me x

Epilogue

about 2 years later

Dear 19 year old me,

Wow, sometimes I think past me is more wise than current me, but we are the same person so I have that wisdom somewhere ha!...

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To re,et)tl lefi ohw( im’ my ni negachd ni rae htat ouy ym psuedi s2t1 wndo raye gntkial peolylemtc 32 wo,n adn. Eht of ti wsa flie nad setb yera rtsow ym. Em s‘nomyd’a cphta trghuoh a cddtieh huogr eewr a 2st1 gigno sa was en,o ew my my dbhtirya tno gtrae. Ea,ry ttlile yaw fo yb uohttrhguo dwon dlwuo yan lla iefdsnr onwk it nda thwi eth idd tmeh i moec eht mepeersbt be i ttha ucimngrlb ’wldntou. Ognhue w,ryor maek on’dt ,uoy eht utb fo ro e’vi ofr tath iecdr ghtmi oyu othb us koshc pts,ue. Eelopp hawt tath lal wtna emtmiseos i dna emse won,k ot you e’nrat yhte. Elorf,su didtn’ ti so dnraou rea yuo rfom ttilel aymn ostncnlaty areiesl so of tujs ear hatt ilntu ts21 ppeeol teh eayr atht ew eetrh inthk ornsea atht ym era ew apts. Pepodrd ntyeienls loas i eyra, i and bmceea uto htta didt’n iladcuis tugadrae. How ogt a laeb nunedwof dne vole gineb pu aogy… iothwut eppilsd woh dndt’i rgutohh nito my to moesnoe ti wolud i ifel tbu ilev whit ofr ont i nokw i adn. Cehlitml rou. Stih hse hrigt and si ehgcnad lwdou no r,wdlo uoy ’ehs ni pecirsvpeet eovl eoclplymte em, that iytnvhreeg ym lfei hmi tujs. .
Wtne ljuy ugadtiarng edn nad uin ayer ni ts21 eayr aadertgud i i htgouh ni eratf 2320 a a 12: my up kabc me, ithw i idd ffo. Oludw you eb prduo os. So i am upodr. Ewf sftri ym fof ot i soenidtarsti saw het no ulonniclesg nad ,no dna mkasr gbnie ta,ed my eendd aencevteihm s’it a fo a up erpotcenpi :) sigbteg.
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Linvgi utb eri,d a edend s’it iidscneo ,clmtehli uot veer tiwh hte adn bets iomgnv pu bene i. Teh nad ni ym of ,hrut seittodarsni tlo a nwritgi girth nradgda dna slat it ti ye,ra ided was ohkcs a imdled. I dna nudt’loc a after ho,me etll mih of ewotr utb og tino oyu ouy ywnyaa mceo iwsh a dah iistv ees go hmi to ouy eh i ta lla uot and onwolkd,c ttha pcueol ferat mhotsn ot oyu ee,ttrl udclo. Srnueeiv bda has uyo )ilwl, os the eelf onwk oruy kacb (i t’odn.
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Ellt codlu atth you i i swih nights ethrse. Who of uoy i am oudpr ilek. Lerta ohw i 4 ni to oyu het eomnmt nkedir i fo natides hswi swa yeras. I ma yo,u i igleanh ubt eoprmis. Eikdnr niegb i am saw ot ikwongr ehtso no’dt ei,kl hant prsta am of no reinn en,eb awrdni aehv su oefulrs to our fmleys i thta vree slyfme ot hicdl rdobbe leah omfr i leha nad we. Lewl ret’na sa esy( hnstig i’m 1th3 i a id’ a our and noudf we ryou eohrbtr dna won, am npiomg aidhyrbt wphenes thsi l!te,)et!r etrfa as igirtwn tou 4 no crrnetuyl ttille bsaecue epledh ghitr hwpnese ahve bti ew nad iggon iescen. Hosietnmg rnogwki htta si on tbu i ma. Tn’do this ruht hatt on kwriogn we emyoran elfe i so sedbiounra ma. Ear of xtonepicstea thwi otn ot blsyipotnseiri lhdo to htroe ,us eadl ti ruso otn yteh ruo is sepeolp. Fo tol a nhidglo atth ury’oe kwon i adn. Wodn oyu tsi’ im’ gsthin to teohs lleignt utp ykao. ’sti uyo tspadiponi oleepp oyak ot olev. ’tis uysor sti’ ucabees eilf, nto riteh. Not yuo on dan you unl’todhs igvinl llte neo idong hte royu ohdlus tawh to ash uabeces eb heyt’er lfei apiaytcc eles. Yeitarl yhet rea oryu tahw tath idogn oeyu’r to to sntsewies lla are eecacrosiss. Nnthogi me samtter. Lwil have ti odulw haep,nepd eth if aevh oryu it suvhelo’d inuerevs ,bkca. Emda ti uoy romf eissincod hgitnnki hn’vate yan i aapr(t lmcehtli srmoeip yulfl htat otwiuth i ifstr hrotuhg nda. . Hwo velo?) nca fhtgi scaue. Ton eetltr of all edfsirn no fertyphixdea ithw eb out the iths i dmoyans su know uylo’l of egnib. Flie btu oefcr n’tca tighsn hits ni yuo. Ofr fro ont ogdo btu erwe oodg dnto’ horte owkn aceh tyeh ti hytre’e htye ont ,us. Oyu of hnta vleo dan and icvdeeer erom pyte so os rewe mchu rea oyu thwro hcmu eth ear eebrtt uoy npifrdiehs eivng atwh adn. Etroh uor nda emoc too het wtuhoti oladelw no btu het ti rae eyth ebladm ot thye edn coudl ,tuo isnthg to sya aws rouy ehtn si dipfhsrine ayndo,sm ocseh it weflodlo i thaw gebin wshi na catakt rakwwda den su henw na i i(hhcw to ctu nperiltsoay auesbec m)e to. Fo are thrwo reu’yo nkinthgi ubt eolppe sntniseas rtohw enhw uyo si vyeuo’ klei rdo,wl edettra adn ton het ear hwit lsot t’hvyee yuo all baeceus hte buato enno. U,yo dysa i epsnd and ym nitdne in uetfur htywor ot us fo nibeg elfym,s teh.
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Yosrr, i’m.
Foeirvg m,e aeselp.
Tknha oy,u.
Leov yuo i.
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E,vol.
Me lod x ryae 32.

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