A letter from April 10th, 2020

Peaceful right?

Dear FutureMe, If I'm right, (which I am ofc), today is your 21st birthday. Happy birthday E <3 Who'd have thought we'd get here?? I hope you are getting spoiled, by yourself, and remembering that not all birthdays are terrible :). I hope you still have your dynamos (you better, 'cause they're the bestest friends in the world), to party with, but not TOO hard, 'cause we know how that ends! At this current time, you're probably in the middle (I hope in the middle, please don't procrastinate!!), of writing your dissertation on whatever you have chosen! (I still currently think it should be about white privilege in society, but I won't be mad if you choose something better / easier to research :) ). You've nearly graduated, which is a huge achievement, and you should be extremely proud of yourself for everything you've achieved. You may even have a boyfriend by this time, but don't worry if you don't, boys are overrated ;). As I'm sitting here rn, on my bed, at 8:15pm on a Friday night, in a global pandemic where we have been in lockdown for 15 days (and I / you have been in self isolation for about 29 days), I thought I'd tell you how much I love you. 2020 so far has definitely been a rollercoaster, if you remember, March - now has been the hardest. But you are so worth it. I don't think I know anyone more worth it than you. Don't ever let anyone take you for granted. You are worth so much more than someone just picking you up and using you, but if that does happen, pick yourself up. You've picked yourself up from rock bottom before, you can do it again. With the state of the world at the minute, its easy to crawl back into that part of yourself, who doesn't actually know how much you're actually worth.. (I'm aware I've used 'worth' like 50 times but hey i'm not one with words as we both know). And even though you've done that, for those 29 (and more) days, that doesn't make you weak, or any less what you're worth (again.. I know). The point I'm trying to make is, life is continuously kicking you / us / me down, but you CHOOSE life. Everytime. And that's something to be **** proud of. Like a dandelion through the pavement, I persist. Me and mum have almost finished the fifth season of How To Get Away With ******, (hopefully you've now watched season 6 and figured out what the hell is going on!!!), and I don't think I realised until today how much of a big impact it has had on me. I don't think I've admired anyone more than Annalise Keating. I know she's fictional, but she's incredible. She has made me love myself, which hopefully works out for you because hopefully you are loving yourself more than ever. Things I love so much about you is how kind you are, which I often take as being a pushover, which we can be, but my goodness you have a big heart. And with all that loving and helping everyone else you do, letting them enter your heart, surely there's enough room for one 19 year old who just wants to be happy :). The things I thought I hated about myself / us, are the things that make us, us. The dimples in your cheeks when you smile, and your smile which can be as wide as the Cheshire Cat's when you're laughing. Your eyes which have seen so much, but still can be just as kind when you really look into them, and the creases under them when you smile just proves how much laughing you've done when you're with the right people. The way you are with the kids makes me want to be that girl everyday. I am currently a mess, but aren't some messes beautiful? I'm a work in progress, but I promise you I will work my arse off to make sure that when you receive this, you're as happy as you can be and so loved by yourself. And if you're not? Well, you've survived 100% of your worst days yet. That's 21 years worth. But if you still have your dynamos, can see the kids, have your loving family, a roof over your head, and food on the table, then that's all you need to get through the bad days. There's always sunshine if you look for it, there's always something to laugh or smile about, and there for sure is something beautiful in everyday. You were created with a perfect palette. A palette of intelligence, stubbornness, humour, passion, and beauty and lots more that I'm willing to look into myself to find, for you. I don't know what the future holds, but I will make a future, for you, for me. Love, 19 year old me x

Epilogue

about 2 years later

Dear 19 year old me,

Wow, sometimes I think past me is more wise than current me, but we are the same person so I have that wisdom somewhere ha!...

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32 ni ryae clpoemetly i’m (who rea 1ts2 peiusd l)tte,re ym and ni iefl onwd tlaikng ym now, to ahtt hganecd you. Ayer it bset hte trsow efli adn ym was of. Sa trage 2st1 ew nsy’d‘aom bydihrat asw ym a ym me nto a oigng ogurh hcddtei hhgurto en,o pthac ewre. Awy ahtt eb ddi meoc lwudo dan hmte tlietl wu’otldn teh by ttrouhohug cirnlbgmu of kwno ihwt dneifsr i yre,a it yna lla dnwo eth emesrbtpe i. Ro mkea oyu the su v’ei ohbt rof unhoge hatt iderc thimg but tdn’o y,ou oksch yw,ror of tp,ues. Wtna ’tnear uoy memeissto esme nwk,o nad epolep hatt i all hyte to whta. Atht s1t2 ahtt ouy htnki os id’ndt are ofmr we hatt aeyr lpoeep of hreet odurna we past ti sre,lufo os naltoysntc tuinl myna tujs sonare tlielt ym the rea aeirels rae. Dopdrep meebac i aduaegrt i sloa htat re,ya icdliaus nad otu d’idtn nyetneisl. Veli a ubt not hgtoruh know i otg edn adn thwi laeb i bigen ewnoudfn ym lveo iotn i udolw ti pspidel ot di’ntd twthiuo esenoom orf gayo… pu ilfe hwo owh. Oru thiclmel. Evtpierpsec my rtevygineh si in lduow e,m elmeoyctpl she adn elfi oyu imh no levo se’h gehcand thsi juts olw,dr girth hatt. .
Eyra 21: arye kabc ddeagutar 3202 a gouhht i ni in m,e off iwht i atfre and nde tnwe i lyuj 2ts1 niu a utdairngag ddi pu ym. Eb so ouy udolw pduor. Os i am dopur. Kmsra a no, ym nad a ffo gtbiseg asw on fo adn islelngcnou potriecenp ewf ended i’st :) my roidisneatts a,ted inebg ot nvehmiaeetc istrf het up i.
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Adn tbu a ever eendd pu neiiosdc ,ider igomvn tiwh tou eenb i st’i steb hltimel,c het glivni. Tnirigw nsattiriseod ndagard kohsc it my it ni het a tlsa dan of saw irgth dleimd ,ruth e,ary tol adn a ddei. Ldonct’u hmi hotnms n,okcowdl eh ot you ree,ttl a dan ees upeclo lelt tuo of faert yywaan onti tsvii lal you i ertfa og oertw ot i ubt locud go yuo nda a moec ihws ahd oyu mih that eo,hm ta. Virsueen ash cakb het uory i( t’dno os nkow eefl yuo bda li)w,l.
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I ouy ngshti ltel ihws odulc taht srhtee i. Eilk oyu woh ma of i puodr. I who 4 in wsa fo teh toemmn sdantie ot hswi ouy ersay taler i nikred. I hgianel ,uyo ismeorp am i btu. Hnat uor i from eerv i swa adn to uoesrfl esfmyl dinrwa feylms nreni i am ot nkiwgro ot elah ichdl su ealh on edbbro ahve of trpsa l,kie ahtt ohtes ne,be ma we endikr gbeni ’dont. Ynlrcture dan eiltlt stinhg nw,o heav nad renat’ htrig epswehn ciense deeplh 4 oggni sa brrtoeh dan afret onduf ibrtdyah out itsh llwe i 3h1t !t!ler,)et yuor a nrwgtii ew am a oru d’i nphwese e(ys as ionpmg no mi’ we bti asceebu. Si ttha ognhsmeti ma rkinwgo tbu no i. No os we nyaoemr aidournesb am i t’odn nowrkig htru leef shti htat. Ot hdol not siytiienplsrbo suor uro whit tyeh elda oepintasectx to ,su fo si ppeeosl aer it nto othre. A that i fo nogdlhi nad ’uroye lto owkn. Gitnsh it’s mi’ glinetl ot oyu hetso ykoa utp wodn. Oyak epeolp ptdpiosian voel ot sti’ yuo. ’tis oruys ont thrie il,fe caesueb ts’i. Teh ouy vgnili ont lelt to olhusd sd’nothul ahtw feil yhert’e no uory ciataypc else buseaec eb dan uyo eno sha onigd. Atth aer ryeialt essentwsi are twah to saeorcciess lal dongi oeryu’ ot ruoy yteh. Sttmera me tionhgn. Fi iwll dohulvs’e avhe euvsnire hepdpen,a evah udlwo yoru het it ti a,cbk. Ormf i amed nda paar(t ttah i yan iopsmre ituhtwo oyu csiedsnoi clhletim fully ghinnkit it evn’hta fitsr hughtro. . Acn v)eol? fihgt suace woh. I on lla nto amydson otu lteret fo the rndsefi u’lylo whti onkw eb of xfderyietpah su bnegi tshi. Uoy but in atc’n erocf isht ifle gistnh. Rfo it yhte htey otn oogd htroe erwe us, rehye’t tbu odog ndo’t aech fro oknw not. So pyte hucm adn ouy atnh ebtret elvo so you hediinprfs engvi rvdceeie mhuc tahw adn more of eewr teh rhtwo yuo rae aer nad. Gbien )me no wdolfelo ot ot utb cdolu ldbeam na uor emco uyor i(wchh uthtoiw oot beeuacs attkac was si hten us end sya eth atsrnolieyp ot ti tyhe an ot odlalew utc osech awth ned they ysdao,nm uto, ti awkradw nda iwhs i rtoeh hwne i are ngtish irfiesdhnp teh. Rea whti vtyhe’e eoppel yue’vo tuoab noen wtrho trwho aer si stol dan all teh rwlo,d asissentn uyero’ aredtet iekl tno yuo githnkin when caubees of ouy the but. Ym yads l,seymf ni eth us depns ,ouy owryht dna biegn ndetin fo feurut to i.
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Im’ rsr,yo.
M,e rifgoev lesape.
Nkhat uy,o.
Elov oyu i.
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E,ovl.
32 aery x lod me.

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