A letter from April 10th, 2020

Peaceful right?

Dear FutureMe, If I'm right, (which I am ofc), today is your 21st birthday. Happy birthday E <3 Who'd have thought we'd get here?? I hope you are getting spoiled, by yourself, and remembering that not all birthdays are terrible :). I hope you still have your dynamos (you better, 'cause they're the bestest friends in the world), to party with, but not TOO hard, 'cause we know how that ends! At this current time, you're probably in the middle (I hope in the middle, please don't procrastinate!!), of writing your dissertation on whatever you have chosen! (I still currently think it should be about white privilege in society, but I won't be mad if you choose something better / easier to research :) ). You've nearly graduated, which is a huge achievement, and you should be extremely proud of yourself for everything you've achieved. You may even have a boyfriend by this time, but don't worry if you don't, boys are overrated ;). As I'm sitting here rn, on my bed, at 8:15pm on a Friday night, in a global pandemic where we have been in lockdown for 15 days (and I / you have been in self isolation for about 29 days), I thought I'd tell you how much I love you. 2020 so far has definitely been a rollercoaster, if you remember, March - now has been the hardest. But you are so worth it. I don't think I know anyone more worth it than you. Don't ever let anyone take you for granted. You are worth so much more than someone just picking you up and using you, but if that does happen, pick yourself up. You've picked yourself up from rock bottom before, you can do it again. With the state of the world at the minute, its easy to crawl back into that part of yourself, who doesn't actually know how much you're actually worth.. (I'm aware I've used 'worth' like 50 times but hey i'm not one with words as we both know). And even though you've done that, for those 29 (and more) days, that doesn't make you weak, or any less what you're worth (again.. I know). The point I'm trying to make is, life is continuously kicking you / us / me down, but you CHOOSE life. Everytime. And that's something to be **** proud of. Like a dandelion through the pavement, I persist. Me and mum have almost finished the fifth season of How To Get Away With ******, (hopefully you've now watched season 6 and figured out what the hell is going on!!!), and I don't think I realised until today how much of a big impact it has had on me. I don't think I've admired anyone more than Annalise Keating. I know she's fictional, but she's incredible. She has made me love myself, which hopefully works out for you because hopefully you are loving yourself more than ever. Things I love so much about you is how kind you are, which I often take as being a pushover, which we can be, but my goodness you have a big heart. And with all that loving and helping everyone else you do, letting them enter your heart, surely there's enough room for one 19 year old who just wants to be happy :). The things I thought I hated about myself / us, are the things that make us, us. The dimples in your cheeks when you smile, and your smile which can be as wide as the Cheshire Cat's when you're laughing. Your eyes which have seen so much, but still can be just as kind when you really look into them, and the creases under them when you smile just proves how much laughing you've done when you're with the right people. The way you are with the kids makes me want to be that girl everyday. I am currently a mess, but aren't some messes beautiful? I'm a work in progress, but I promise you I will work my arse off to make sure that when you receive this, you're as happy as you can be and so loved by yourself. And if you're not? Well, you've survived 100% of your worst days yet. That's 21 years worth. But if you still have your dynamos, can see the kids, have your loving family, a roof over your head, and food on the table, then that's all you need to get through the bad days. There's always sunshine if you look for it, there's always something to laugh or smile about, and there for sure is something beautiful in everyday. You were created with a perfect palette. A palette of intelligence, stubbornness, humour, passion, and beauty and lots more that I'm willing to look into myself to find, for you. I don't know what the future holds, but I will make a future, for you, for me. Love, 19 year old me x

Epilogue

about 2 years later

Dear 19 year old me,

Wow, sometimes I think past me is more wise than current me, but we are the same person so I have that wisdom somewhere ha!...

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Ryea my aer 32 down ow(h epsuid you adn tr),ltee ym on,w ypeellcotm that 21ts enghacd kltgian in in eifl ot i’m. Tswro arye nda het it fo swa leif my ebst. Ym a asyomnd‘’ ts21 etarg reew rditahyb eno, hhutrgo ctahp em a ew my wsa ddhtice ohrgu nogig ton sa. Thouuohgrt eb of ,yrea it ownd grcnumbil tlleti lla eth nwko ayw hetm by i etsmpebre i atht ihwt lnwou’td nya doluw come ddi sdrefin teh adn. The fo ceidr ocskh yorwr, tub etpus, su hgnuoe ro htbo t’ndo ie’v ofr aekm uo,y thta oyu tgihm. Ate’rn all i wtah to yteh nkwo, oyu dna msee tanw ttah ieomsestm epople. Ew aer ujts os ytncostnla ts21 oyu form etreh ’intdd searlei fo lelitt past tath it oenars luorsf,e os ym htat loppee nmay het ttha aer kinth we iutln erya are rdunao. Pdeodpr a,yre sialucdi cbeaem uot i saol tath neynsleit i nda i’dndt ugaaedrt. Nosmoee otuihwt wuold evil ym rfo iddt’n a ygo…a dne aleb elfi hguorth and htiw ot but tog i woh edpplis tno odnewfun vleo gbnei woh i nkow i iton ti up. Oru telhlcmi. Wduol my gencdah ujst tihs lelyptocme em, ehs elfi terieevpspc that is vetnriygeh on s’he gtrhi olev drwo,l you him and ni. .
Tuohhg ,me off in ym i ddi ljyu ayer wetn eaftr ni thiw a 1:2 niu i raey i pu agadrtdue tanrgdagiu nde 2320 a akbc nad 1st2. Uoy os eb uldow oprud. I ma rudop os. Of ndede tifsr eopniecrtp ): enibg kmsar ym swa naeodisritts my eveeitcmahn a wfe tsgigbe and i pu no, ilnuoscglne aetd, nad on the s’ti ot fof a.
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Reve hmeitlcl, up ,rdie wthi i btu tuo ilvgni idneicso vgnmoi edned bnee tsi’ a the nda setb. Fo a iodnttearsis my and ddlemi adn edid uhtr, a,rey a saw hrgit igirntw it hte dnagdra tol in it sohck alts. A ot lla terte,l ivsit imh uyo aerft odclu ,meoh i mcoe ahtt ortwe eh uploce i of ahd nda og sihw hmi c’todlun tlel hmtnso etfra ot og otin tub uoy ayyanw at yuo a ese k,lodwcno dan otu oyu. Unrviese eth i( yruo dba os o’ndt ash okwn yuo )wlli, elfe ckba.
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Hwis i i shtnig hreets ocldu htat you eltl. Of uyo odrup ma i how keil. Ni ot ohw eth was 4 tomenm i fo rtela i uoy ayres steandi hsiw kdnrie. Ospriem enaiglh oy,u i ubt i ma. Thta i was dnerki of dan us am i erve to ’tond lseymf i drwnai mesfyl ohest we rinne hlea ot eb,en athn rou to on lsouefr cihld gienb dobbre leik, tsrap veah eahl mofr nirwkog am. Ahev adn ’di out yes( berhtro ew nesehpw etrfa a’rtne uebcase mpgino swenphe ew ignog tsih bti uor h31t enluyrtcr et!t,)l!er i im’ ehdple sa sa tihgns a ewll dan no oyur ma nda hitrg now, a gwniitr 4 dritayhb nfduo enseci tlleti. Ahtt ubt i ma si no tmgsieohn gownrki. Rhtu i iwgrkon ntdo’ leef ma so ew on nmeyroa oibrnaedsu tihs atht. Lohd uro isniritepslybo niaxcetpseot ton us, is to laed of to rhote otn pespelo uosr htwi ehyt era it. Adn a nglodhi know fo roey’u htat tlo i. Utp sit’ nwod uyo to gtinsh genllit im’ those akyo. Sti’ elvo okay to uyo peloep iatsodinpp. Not csbuaee ifle, ’its sti’ uosyr etrhi. One uyo dna letl eb t’hyere no ahtw ouy gnivil odhlutns’ uoyr asubeec lfei citaapcy hsa hlousd dgion esel tno to teh. Nigdo are whta uyro ilaeryt yeht to lal that ear ot caoicersses yrueo’ eessnitws. Me nignoth tasemrt. It owdlu c,kba deppa,neh veha svoeludh’ ahev your it vueseirn teh fi lliw. Yna emda rap(ta mlilehtc omfr i yuo sitfr hhrotgu ylufl srmipoe eciodnssi thuwiot nad ’hevatn htat it i tiinkngh. . Eausc le)?ov woh nca hgift. Okwn isht of no of mydanos tuo eht twhi be ton lla rtetel us inebg epehdtxfyair ’lyolu sernifd i. Ginsht refoc in you c’ant elfi tihs but. Eroht to’dn ’ryethe okwn rfo gdoo otn ti rwee nto ache htey ,us ofr yeth godo tub. So ivegn oerm cumh teh os tnah dan uchm ereeidcv ouy ewre awht levo nad rwtho epyt ifnsiedhrp dna ear reettb of you oyu are. Het dlfloeow alolwed hwihc( wenh hten oru nda to utb dne hoetr it su ays kwawrad me) ot bsauece ihttwou abmlde den asw no uct lduco uyro an aer to iyteaplonsr an is ttakca ocem i heyt ecsoh i ti too swhi odasny,m yeht hntisg bnegi awth eht ot ,uot edirfipsnh. Eouyv’ kntingih ekil thwi ouy ubt ouy lword, ’htvyee si trhwo enwh fo onen ssiaentns rae ’ruyeo eth otn saebceu elopep dan eht otsl rwtoh ttderea lal batuo are. Ednitn in dan dpsne of su ot ngebi uyo, rohwyt lsym,fe the ayds ym i urtfue.
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Im’ sro,ry.
Ifeovgr e,m peasle.
Nathk uy,o.
Elov yuo i.
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Oe,lv.
X dlo aery me 32.

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