A letter from April 10th, 2020

Peaceful right?

Dear FutureMe, If I'm right, (which I am ofc), today is your 21st birthday. Happy birthday E <3 Who'd have thought we'd get here?? I hope you are getting spoiled, by yourself, and remembering that not all birthdays are terrible :). I hope you still have your dynamos (you better, 'cause they're the bestest friends in the world), to party with, but not TOO hard, 'cause we know how that ends! At this current time, you're probably in the middle (I hope in the middle, please don't procrastinate!!), of writing your dissertation on whatever you have chosen! (I still currently think it should be about white privilege in society, but I won't be mad if you choose something better / easier to research :) ). You've nearly graduated, which is a huge achievement, and you should be extremely proud of yourself for everything you've achieved. You may even have a boyfriend by this time, but don't worry if you don't, boys are overrated ;). As I'm sitting here rn, on my bed, at 8:15pm on a Friday night, in a global pandemic where we have been in lockdown for 15 days (and I / you have been in self isolation for about 29 days), I thought I'd tell you how much I love you. 2020 so far has definitely been a rollercoaster, if you remember, March - now has been the hardest. But you are so worth it. I don't think I know anyone more worth it than you. Don't ever let anyone take you for granted. You are worth so much more than someone just picking you up and using you, but if that does happen, pick yourself up. You've picked yourself up from rock bottom before, you can do it again. With the state of the world at the minute, its easy to crawl back into that part of yourself, who doesn't actually know how much you're actually worth.. (I'm aware I've used 'worth' like 50 times but hey i'm not one with words as we both know). And even though you've done that, for those 29 (and more) days, that doesn't make you weak, or any less what you're worth (again.. I know). The point I'm trying to make is, life is continuously kicking you / us / me down, but you CHOOSE life. Everytime. And that's something to be **** proud of. Like a dandelion through the pavement, I persist. Me and mum have almost finished the fifth season of How To Get Away With ******, (hopefully you've now watched season 6 and figured out what the hell is going on!!!), and I don't think I realised until today how much of a big impact it has had on me. I don't think I've admired anyone more than Annalise Keating. I know she's fictional, but she's incredible. She has made me love myself, which hopefully works out for you because hopefully you are loving yourself more than ever. Things I love so much about you is how kind you are, which I often take as being a pushover, which we can be, but my goodness you have a big heart. And with all that loving and helping everyone else you do, letting them enter your heart, surely there's enough room for one 19 year old who just wants to be happy :). The things I thought I hated about myself / us, are the things that make us, us. The dimples in your cheeks when you smile, and your smile which can be as wide as the Cheshire Cat's when you're laughing. Your eyes which have seen so much, but still can be just as kind when you really look into them, and the creases under them when you smile just proves how much laughing you've done when you're with the right people. The way you are with the kids makes me want to be that girl everyday. I am currently a mess, but aren't some messes beautiful? I'm a work in progress, but I promise you I will work my arse off to make sure that when you receive this, you're as happy as you can be and so loved by yourself. And if you're not? Well, you've survived 100% of your worst days yet. That's 21 years worth. But if you still have your dynamos, can see the kids, have your loving family, a roof over your head, and food on the table, then that's all you need to get through the bad days. There's always sunshine if you look for it, there's always something to laugh or smile about, and there for sure is something beautiful in everyday. You were created with a perfect palette. A palette of intelligence, stubbornness, humour, passion, and beauty and lots more that I'm willing to look into myself to find, for you. I don't know what the future holds, but I will make a future, for you, for me. Love, 19 year old me x

Epilogue

about 2 years later

Dear 19 year old me,

Wow, sometimes I think past me is more wise than current me, but we are the same person so I have that wisdom somewhere ha!...

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L,re)tte ym ot iefl ndwo i’m angedch 23 w,no ym rae reay ni in lltyepoecm woh( itkgnal 1ts2 uoy adn htat dseuip. Ti nad my elif wrtos ayer eht of stbe swa. Ewer sa a agrte ddiethc t2s1 a eno, hcpat aws ym ignog em ym tno ew hrugo uthohgr bdtrhiya sd’a‘ynmo. Prebteems nad ltelti any tlu’wdon did that wnod re,ya uhgrutooth ndesifr cemo hte ywa i all i yb wkno luodw eb lbmgrunic ti wthi tehm of het. E’iv ghmit gnohue orf se,utp r,ywro hte atht khocs ,yuo us btoh oyu or deric odt’n of kema utb. Tmesmsoei wnat to esem lla twah adn ’eanrt ehty ouy nko,w ploeep atth i. Mofr hte ahtt irsaele we noasre eslrouf, atsp nlitu aer tetlil hetre jstu ttah ear aurdno oyltscnant you eyar htta ts21 we eppelo iddtn’ rea it fo many so so ym nhkti. ’idndt uto uilidacs i erodpdp nda ttah i laos auaterdg inneylset ebeamc reay,. My dan nfuodwne i d’idnt i ntoi btu elfi albe nto for ulwdo vole i uiwohtt ppdseli thogurh hwo live aoyg… nsoomee ogt to nwok edn hitw pu a hwo ibnge it. Tmlclhie ruo. Ujts si on tgrhi hrgitveney ’ehs dluow velo elif taht seh dehagnc lelpmetyoc htis eecipersvtp my wolr,d and ouy ni ,em mhi. .
12ts dne enwt raye :21 a etfar my i dna in a with uni ,em edgdutraa ughoht ljuy i 3220 bkca did trnudaggia fof pu i yrea ni. Wudlo eb so uoy rdupo. I ma so odrpu. On cieotpenpr adn wef aetd, bgegsit a ,no eaeintmhecv to ti’s ym asw eth off dna euloinsgcln i pu ntoessridati edned ym a of ibegn frtsi srkam ):.
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Dneed hte eben a e,lihltmc with up vree ’ist viinlg etsb isdocien uto btu ivmgon ,ierd nda i. Grthi iwrtnig my t,hur otl satl it of nad aye,r emddli a the ni and it sochk ddaagrn aetonsirsitd swa ided a. I lnodc,wko to tivis go him teelt,r uyo a ihm coem oupcle uoy mhtons adn lal to hisw om,he dha go ta tou awyany he culnd’to noti taht wroet raetf but ltle adn i uyo earft a of oldcu ese yuo. Yuo w)l,li yuor abkc (i eelf the has inureesv nokw ’tndo abd os.
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Tlle uyo locud nthsig i hwsi atht esrhte i. I owh rudop klie of you ma. Saw naetsid moentm of yuo trale to i how shiw i 4 ni eht ikdner yrsae. U,yo ma i iaenghl i btu soeimrp. Eevr to slefmy tseho of tdon’ bgein that strap kerdin su i eahv swa bordbe ik,le nath and erusolf lhea no eflmys ot nwdrai ma to ew mofr rou i ennri lahe irwknog ma child enbe, i. Eeinsc uoyr !tr)e,tle! am and eepdhl imognp a aveh ew ruynerclt ntera’ se(y a hwpense twnigir as oru ,onw and we neswhep ellw d’i gonig tbi hetborr 3t1h bhridtya irgth out tnisgh tefar as tsih nda on eecabsu im’ 4 duonf i llteit. But ttha am i no is eongihstm nrgkiow. Monyare we ’nodt oknwgir os i that on am ruth eibnudaors shti elef. Sruo ton ihwt erhto rae oespple siltyoiispnreb uor eanxepotistc hdol htey si it ot ,us tno alde of ot. Ldoihgn onwk a lot atth i e’uryo and of. Utp nsghti kyoa esoth im’ onwd ’tis tglienl to ouy. Ot oyka you olev intasiodpp its’ leopep. Cuabese iehrt ton tis’ oyrsu ’tsi flie,. Hwat to beasuec lefi eno sduhlo be eth tell captayic hty’ere uoyr ton ouy no gvnlii nad nutdo’lhs gdoni slee has yuo. Era lal thaw acsosriseec yruo gdoni to atht teyh aer yrlaeti sesiswten ey’rou ot. Nhogint em tatsemr. ’oulehdsv if uyro veha bkac, lilw eht eusrneiv ti it wuold padne,phe vhea. A(tapr dsiioescn orfm he’avtn itnkgihn htta ti edam i tfsir nad msoirpe llyuf llcehtim i ouy nya utgorhh tohiwut. . Asuce gifth ?lvoe) woh acn. Bigne ont dnfesir no onkw tshi uot ettrle fo all i ’loylu the tiwh us teyphdxrafie fo admsoyn eb. N’cat shit ilfe sghtni utb ni eorfc yuo. Ubt caeh hyet it otn good threo orf erew nto htye orf thr’eye dgoo us, ot’nd nokw. Naht os rwtoh rea awht dan treetb os you of ytpe sipefndhir ouy hmcu gnive you the velo hmuc erwe vedereci nad dan rea oemr. Eht yas uiwthot absceue toerh lloawed your it rea was rou eyth utc it nibeg dmlbae hte deolwolf ehnt t,ou na den tbu when they na iwsh locdu eshco )em i ecmo ot is and no sgtinh ot rdhsieifnp dne oot i (chwhi ot to su oseiylnrpat wwaakdr s,adyomn acaktt tahw. Fo teh is nhktigin neon are nhew all ’yuvoe elik rdetaet ’evhety cbeuesa utaob peoepl hte owhtr wtih ear yuo and y’ruoe odlwr, hortw lsot uyo btu nniasstes otn. Eht us lfsem,y nda ot i itndne rwhtoy y,uo gnbie fo utuefr ym in pdens asdy.
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I’m ys,rro.
Em, vfieogr ealsep.
O,uy kathn.
Velo i ouy.
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Lv,eo.
32 eayr x em old.