A letter from April 10th, 2020

Peaceful right?

Dear FutureMe, If I'm right, (which I am ofc), today is your 21st birthday. Happy birthday E <3 Who'd have thought we'd get here?? I hope you are getting spoiled, by yourself, and remembering that not all birthdays are terrible :). I hope you still have your dynamos (you better, 'cause they're the bestest friends in the world), to party with, but not TOO hard, 'cause we know how that ends! At this current time, you're probably in the middle (I hope in the middle, please don't procrastinate!!), of writing your dissertation on whatever you have chosen! (I still currently think it should be about white privilege in society, but I won't be mad if you choose something better / easier to research :) ). You've nearly graduated, which is a huge achievement, and you should be extremely proud of yourself for everything you've achieved. You may even have a boyfriend by this time, but don't worry if you don't, boys are overrated ;). As I'm sitting here rn, on my bed, at 8:15pm on a Friday night, in a global pandemic where we have been in lockdown for 15 days (and I / you have been in self isolation for about 29 days), I thought I'd tell you how much I love you. 2020 so far has definitely been a rollercoaster, if you remember, March - now has been the hardest. But you are so worth it. I don't think I know anyone more worth it than you. Don't ever let anyone take you for granted. You are worth so much more than someone just picking you up and using you, but if that does happen, pick yourself up. You've picked yourself up from rock bottom before, you can do it again. With the state of the world at the minute, its easy to crawl back into that part of yourself, who doesn't actually know how much you're actually worth.. (I'm aware I've used 'worth' like 50 times but hey i'm not one with words as we both know). And even though you've done that, for those 29 (and more) days, that doesn't make you weak, or any less what you're worth (again.. I know). The point I'm trying to make is, life is continuously kicking you / us / me down, but you CHOOSE life. Everytime. And that's something to be **** proud of. Like a dandelion through the pavement, I persist. Me and mum have almost finished the fifth season of How To Get Away With ******, (hopefully you've now watched season 6 and figured out what the hell is going on!!!), and I don't think I realised until today how much of a big impact it has had on me. I don't think I've admired anyone more than Annalise Keating. I know she's fictional, but she's incredible. She has made me love myself, which hopefully works out for you because hopefully you are loving yourself more than ever. Things I love so much about you is how kind you are, which I often take as being a pushover, which we can be, but my goodness you have a big heart. And with all that loving and helping everyone else you do, letting them enter your heart, surely there's enough room for one 19 year old who just wants to be happy :). The things I thought I hated about myself / us, are the things that make us, us. The dimples in your cheeks when you smile, and your smile which can be as wide as the Cheshire Cat's when you're laughing. Your eyes which have seen so much, but still can be just as kind when you really look into them, and the creases under them when you smile just proves how much laughing you've done when you're with the right people. The way you are with the kids makes me want to be that girl everyday. I am currently a mess, but aren't some messes beautiful? I'm a work in progress, but I promise you I will work my arse off to make sure that when you receive this, you're as happy as you can be and so loved by yourself. And if you're not? Well, you've survived 100% of your worst days yet. That's 21 years worth. But if you still have your dynamos, can see the kids, have your loving family, a roof over your head, and food on the table, then that's all you need to get through the bad days. There's always sunshine if you look for it, there's always something to laugh or smile about, and there for sure is something beautiful in everyday. You were created with a perfect palette. A palette of intelligence, stubbornness, humour, passion, and beauty and lots more that I'm willing to look into myself to find, for you. I don't know what the future holds, but I will make a future, for you, for me. Love, 19 year old me x

Epilogue

about 2 years later

Dear 19 year old me,

Wow, sometimes I think past me is more wise than current me, but we are the same person so I have that wisdom somewhere ha!...

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Eaghdcn to eary ym im’ you t12s epymlcoelt 32 in ear w,no lkintag ndow spdieu ym in eilf and er,lett) htta o(hw. Raey hte ti ym of ebst wsa twsor dna fiel. Ugroh sa asw nto ym a weer a ctahp ayrdibht ,eno ggoni ym taegr ihddect onay’sdm‘ em gorhuht we t21s. Dan fo it i dnwo eb nay lgunirbmc douwl mpbresete hte illett hwti ,yrea resinfd way lal nkow dnwol’ut i hte thta ddi temh yb oguohhttur ocme. Hokcs tmhgi iderc y,uo rwo,ry eht evi’ but or su utesp, uyo maek hueong ttha ’dtno tbho for fo. Arnet’ atwh lal seem yuo lpepeo yteh htat dna emetmoiss to i tawn wk,no. Lttiel erhte htta aer era antcylosnt aery that psat htta ofmr so my ti eth are just oyu hnkti so losfr,eu anym ew opeepl fo osraen 2st1 ilutn we nditd’ doraun aereisl. Out ynseetlni aatdreug ttha emabec er,ay nddt’i ildsuiac i nad pddreop lsoa i. Neounwdf hwo wkon luwod ddit’n i nde uwtoiht a evlo to ym ivel ihtw utb lpepisd tnio orf owh elif tno esmoeon i g…oya up inbge dan able hgorhtu ti gto i. Oru lhimetcl. Si lltecoeypm mhi acehngd htta em, tusj nad ni efil isth tgrhi ’hse evol on ouy wulod w,odlr ciepepservt gehvtynire ym hes. .
2:1 ulyj wnte nui den nad reya andgtugrai me, ffo ddi i 2ts1 in eray in pu daragetdu i a eratf ym guohht 3022 ihwt a i bkac. Be opdru yuo so uolwd. I os udrpo am. De,ta i’ts a :) adn my saw off i iseggbt adn encglsloiun het nteocerppi ym to mteeinvhcea n,o on adsttsieiorn fwe of up iebgn ended sfrti mraks a.
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Been a otu s’ti igmvno hte iglvni mi,cllhet utb up ,erdi nad i oenicsid deedn reve ithw best. Rntwigi a irhtg asw nda hksoc eht a idde ni ti otl tasl nda of thru, dragnad ,reay ti tsoinatsride dmdlie my. A ese uot tbu whsi ouy htat go ftera er,tetl og to adh ltle i eh naawyy oyu eh,om uoy i uoeclp iton a fatre lla locud to mhi mih kcloodwn, otnmhs conu’ldt at oyu vtisi rotew of adn ocem nad. Kown reevinus dba eth os uyro ash akbc ’ntdo (i yuo ll),iw lefe.
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Uocld tlle oyu rsehte tihsgn thta i ihws i. Of lkie woh am dpuro uyo i. Saw owh ni to tearl ouy i tindaes rkedni 4 i fo nemotm eth wish raeys. Ma i i rpoimes ubt glnheai oy,u. D’nto ngebi us hant symlef am brdoeb ohets sluerfo fo vahe l,eki eslfym am to hdcli wgkroni oru alhe ot i to aptrs and nb,ee nierkd i irwnad rvee tath i omfr nrnie aws ew on leha. Uory esy( th31 we spenwhe ow,n shntgi on as dna a nad ’im itrhbday am hdlpee ftear iletlt hsti nyltrecur a vahe inggo out rt!l,t!ee) ewll gnrtwii i esuaceb ew griht gopmni wesnehp hreobtr d’i ner’at tbi iscene fnudo rou as 4 nad. I but htat ionrkwg is ma no gmsiothne. We eramony fele ihst htat htur ma eonidbasru so i on wgrkoni t’ndo. Ruo hyet ot tno lade not suro ot rehot it oacnttsepxei of lsepoep us, iwht ear syslrpnoiibeit oldh is. Dna a of i orye’u olt olhnidg nwko thta. Igeltln hnitsg shote wond s’ti oyu to koya i’m tup. To paspotinid kaoy eplope you elvo sti’. ,feil t’is uyros ihret not s’ti becaeus. Thyee’r dna uoy be on teh sbeceua tahw efil tyacipac ivilng you ou’dslhtn uroy sha ltel dnoig sduloh esel to ton eon. Isscaoeecrs rae lal are igdno your twha ahtt retaiyl wsnsseeti r’eyuo to yeth ot. Nngoith me tmserta. Oryu wuldo it vhae ’dlosvehu hdpeae,np if lwil heva it ,cbak nvrusiee eht. Yna imsrope nad dmea aarpt( ah’vten ninkigth ulfly tath uoy i mrfo i ftris uitwtho it horhtug doiicessn teilhcml. . )?olve hwo cusea fgiht nac. On phafixtredye of tno eb iegbn eht su reidsfn msoyadn uto erttel kown of tish l’luyo lal i ihtw. Ifle in but yuo refoc ’nact htsi nitgsh. Nod’t ti btu erhto heca not ert’yhe otn gdoo eerw wnok yteh hyet ,su rfo rfo good. Fo aer nda piiesrhfnd edecervi tbeetr yuo ivgne aer weer uyo ytpe rmoe ahtn tawh hmuc ohtrw chum ovle dan uyo os hte dan so. Hocse enwh fnsiipdher na yteh no are end sgthni tuc to hyte ot oru whcih( duclo edn nhte owihutt si ot na i to eth hswi yas ceesbau us it nda coem lodwlea oot ti nomd,say eignb atwh otpleayrins deablm ot,u asw oollwfed )em i troeh tub oyru eht cttkaa wdawrak. Esainsstn tslo fo wenh oepple cueabes lal aer e’uyvo ubt si olw,dr nnhtgiki uoy aer the ouy tohwr hte htwro uatbo treadet whit eyruo’ tno et’yevh eonn ikel nad. Dan otwyhr u,yo nndeti ot ydas i my pedns us ni fo eht ebing lmesy,f eruftu.
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’im r,soyr.
E,m fivoerg seleap.
Uo,y tknha.
I oyu love.
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Voel,.
Dlo em 32 ayer x.

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