A letter from April 10th, 2020

Peaceful right?

Dear FutureMe, If I'm right, (which I am ofc), today is your 21st birthday. Happy birthday E <3 Who'd have thought we'd get here?? I hope you are getting spoiled, by yourself, and remembering that not all birthdays are terrible :). I hope you still have your dynamos (you better, 'cause they're the bestest friends in the world), to party with, but not TOO hard, 'cause we know how that ends! At this current time, you're probably in the middle (I hope in the middle, please don't procrastinate!!), of writing your dissertation on whatever you have chosen! (I still currently think it should be about white privilege in society, but I won't be mad if you choose something better / easier to research :) ). You've nearly graduated, which is a huge achievement, and you should be extremely proud of yourself for everything you've achieved. You may even have a boyfriend by this time, but don't worry if you don't, boys are overrated ;). As I'm sitting here rn, on my bed, at 8:15pm on a Friday night, in a global pandemic where we have been in lockdown for 15 days (and I / you have been in self isolation for about 29 days), I thought I'd tell you how much I love you. 2020 so far has definitely been a rollercoaster, if you remember, March - now has been the hardest. But you are so worth it. I don't think I know anyone more worth it than you. Don't ever let anyone take you for granted. You are worth so much more than someone just picking you up and using you, but if that does happen, pick yourself up. You've picked yourself up from rock bottom before, you can do it again. With the state of the world at the minute, its easy to crawl back into that part of yourself, who doesn't actually know how much you're actually worth.. (I'm aware I've used 'worth' like 50 times but hey i'm not one with words as we both know). And even though you've done that, for those 29 (and more) days, that doesn't make you weak, or any less what you're worth (again.. I know). The point I'm trying to make is, life is continuously kicking you / us / me down, but you CHOOSE life. Everytime. And that's something to be **** proud of. Like a dandelion through the pavement, I persist. Me and mum have almost finished the fifth season of How To Get Away With ******, (hopefully you've now watched season 6 and figured out what the hell is going on!!!), and I don't think I realised until today how much of a big impact it has had on me. I don't think I've admired anyone more than Annalise Keating. I know she's fictional, but she's incredible. She has made me love myself, which hopefully works out for you because hopefully you are loving yourself more than ever. Things I love so much about you is how kind you are, which I often take as being a pushover, which we can be, but my goodness you have a big heart. And with all that loving and helping everyone else you do, letting them enter your heart, surely there's enough room for one 19 year old who just wants to be happy :). The things I thought I hated about myself / us, are the things that make us, us. The dimples in your cheeks when you smile, and your smile which can be as wide as the Cheshire Cat's when you're laughing. Your eyes which have seen so much, but still can be just as kind when you really look into them, and the creases under them when you smile just proves how much laughing you've done when you're with the right people. The way you are with the kids makes me want to be that girl everyday. I am currently a mess, but aren't some messes beautiful? I'm a work in progress, but I promise you I will work my arse off to make sure that when you receive this, you're as happy as you can be and so loved by yourself. And if you're not? Well, you've survived 100% of your worst days yet. That's 21 years worth. But if you still have your dynamos, can see the kids, have your loving family, a roof over your head, and food on the table, then that's all you need to get through the bad days. There's always sunshine if you look for it, there's always something to laugh or smile about, and there for sure is something beautiful in everyday. You were created with a perfect palette. A palette of intelligence, stubbornness, humour, passion, and beauty and lots more that I'm willing to look into myself to find, for you. I don't know what the future holds, but I will make a future, for you, for me. Love, 19 year old me x

Epilogue

about 2 years later

Dear 19 year old me,

Wow, sometimes I think past me is more wise than current me, but we are the same person so I have that wisdom somewhere ha!...

.
Nwdo anktilg ot ym elif eayr eeypmctoll hgcndea s12t ouy mi’ in 32 my aer ,ltetr)e ,onw htta adn wh(o isupde in. Flie my it the saw of ayre oswtr sbte nad. Em guroh rdaythib athcp a hghourt amny’sod‘ ym a idethdc as ym nto 1ts2 iongg etgar were ew aws one,. It with lla eht lcruigbmn wluod eptersbme nya idd tltile taht fo eth hetm yb ey,ra nwko ayw nad i irsdnef ’udoltnw ocem be i nwod rtghuohuto. Woyrr, ehogun ev’i of up,ets tub u,yo maek or uyo tghim ocskh het hbot ofr su odt’n atht icedr. I lal eesm they uyo dna eolpep to ,oknw atth e’rnta twna siemtosem athw. My fo we yman ttah tath we eth ryae eareisl eittll tehre tsap ppeeol ’tidnd stju ouy so tkhin mfor senaor ti that ntlctanyso os udroan are ear 21ts ofusrel, ear tuinl. Otu dan idt’nd saol ieselntny epdprdo audcsiil i aeebmc i ragteaud thta ae,yr. A eliv up wtih dtind’ owh i adn who niot gao…y foenudwn edn lbea ti onwk rothguh nto but i begni espipld lduow leov to i uhtwoit my ielf mneoeos fro ogt. Mihllect uor. On imh ,em hngcdae stju file rwol,d irght eiceppvesrt my lcetyopmel ’seh revthiynge ehs eovl ttah ni nad is ihts oyu would. .
Em, :21 ym i wtih a bkac 2023 arey end did a aairtnggud tugohh ni and i edruagtda st21 yare ferta tnwe pu i ffo in niu yjlu. Be os uprod oyu wulod. Rpduo i os am. ’tis to a my beign i on wef asw fof pu oiecnllngsu adn a cenipprtoe eacthvnieme ta,ed o,n arsmk deend my rsfit biggset fo tnotaessrdii dna ): teh.
.
Mivogn ’ist eht up out ubt i a ebne ltmi,lhec i,der sbet ddeen dan icensodi reve htiw iglvni. R,tuh a a,rye lsta of iedd giwntir otl a swa eitratsnisod ym shcko ndgarad adn imledd ti ithrg it in the dna. Fo fater odulc t,reetl og uot hda ot mhtnos aawyyn elpuco ta you sivti uyo thta ot dcoklwon, utb ohm,e a ndctu’ol afrte see uoy i adn a uyo noit go lla ecmo mih i he dan swih ltel hmi rtowe. W)i,ll yuo ryuo eefl nirseveu ahs (i kwon dba d’tno so eht bkca.
.
Odluc teesrh tath uoy lelt i nshtig swih i. Of am drpou i eilk uyo ohw. Uyo ohw to ni knredi hswi rasye snadeit swa i tnmome i eth ltrea 4 fo. I am utb uo,y espirmo lhangie i. Uro t’don yflsme on we i of am su aws vree ,liek htta ichdl ysmlfe htna ot robedb pastr ebe,n adn heva awndri dnikre inern romf lhae i to okrwngi tshoe am hela i to ebgin erluosf. Onufd sith ongpim dna nad hobrter am no a ew y(es onggi oruy nigtwri gtihr h3t1 adn ahve eeucbsa hnpewse ’im ruo i yhtdbiar teillt bit i’d senphew e!t!etr,)l dplhee lwle e’rnta we uot ceiesn nyulrcter gnisth afetr a w,no 4 as sa. I htat oiwkgrn am btu mgntshoie si on. Am efle ew i myreaon owgknri d’nto so hatt tuhr no badoirneus siht. Fo heyt ton u,s urso rae yesiorisnilptb thwi si nto dael ot to it eicnsatpxteo dohl opeslpe orhte oru. I owkn tath lto of a yur’eo dan lhdogni. Ltengli ouy toehs to im’ tpu s’ti down hgsnit ykao. Uyo to kyoa ti’s ppiasdoint eloepp lvoe. Tis’ ceuseba sruyo ihtre ,eifl st’i ton. Oyur vgnili beuaesc adn terhe’y ahs wtha you eht o’lunhdts noe be oidgn ciaatypc eels oyu ot osdhul on tno tlel iefl. Lal yuro acisoescres ot htaw htta dogin eitalry ear to winestses hety ureoy’ aer. Em rtamste ntonhgi. Have wlli teh oury oudwl haev ti eph,pdaen if ovuh’sdle ti eiesrnvu cak,b. Tpraa( ouwitth eichtlml dcesisoin eamd uorthgh ttha rfom ifstr atevn’h moiresp it lyluf i i you nay nginitkh nda. . Aeucs )?oelv owh nac ifgth. ’oyull oanysdm fo ryfathepexdi hte su rtteel on out lal otn hiwt i nwko rnesfid be stih of inbge. But ouy iefl foerc itsh ihnsgt ’ntca in. Odgo heca hety orf nto ,su ont ti erwe hety kwon oogd but odt’n ehrot yethr’e for. Ouy whta so umch ntah pdeisfihnr fo tepy yuo nad eerw deveierc os more era aer lvoe adn ivgen ouy ohtrw the hcmu adn bteret. Iwhs nsetrilypoa ot i ienbg an udlco hnet den oecm to asw hpienifdsr )me ruo tuotwhi dne whhc(i asbuece tawh hte it us adn htey teh sod,nmya i oot si hewn thore uct ays era hcsoe to,u bemald yteh oflwdole tbu an olladwe on hgsnit to arkwdwa ot ktatca ti royu. Ont fo uoe’ry eth tsol nad yuo si dtarete eisnassnt all ewhn lpeeop buecase rae nnoe ear yuo r,lowd twih tub vetehy’ ’oveyu rhowt teh ouabt orhtw liek hignnikt. Hte trfueu i sday adn fyeslm, spned ienbg oytwrh ,uoy fo enntdi my su in ot.
.
’mi rosyr,.
Em, leapes evfgori.
Y,ou tanhk.
Ouy i vloe.
.
Ovl,e.
Me ldo eyra x 23.

This user has written an update to this letter.To see what they wrote, please

Press ← and → on your keyboard to move between letters

Write new comment

Load more comments