A letter from April 10th, 2020

Peaceful right?

Dear FutureMe, If I'm right, (which I am ofc), today is your 21st birthday. Happy birthday E <3 Who'd have thought we'd get here?? I hope you are getting spoiled, by yourself, and remembering that not all birthdays are terrible :). I hope you still have your dynamos (you better, 'cause they're the bestest friends in the world), to party with, but not TOO hard, 'cause we know how that ends! At this current time, you're probably in the middle (I hope in the middle, please don't procrastinate!!), of writing your dissertation on whatever you have chosen! (I still currently think it should be about white privilege in society, but I won't be mad if you choose something better / easier to research :) ). You've nearly graduated, which is a huge achievement, and you should be extremely proud of yourself for everything you've achieved. You may even have a boyfriend by this time, but don't worry if you don't, boys are overrated ;). As I'm sitting here rn, on my bed, at 8:15pm on a Friday night, in a global pandemic where we have been in lockdown for 15 days (and I / you have been in self isolation for about 29 days), I thought I'd tell you how much I love you. 2020 so far has definitely been a rollercoaster, if you remember, March - now has been the hardest. But you are so worth it. I don't think I know anyone more worth it than you. Don't ever let anyone take you for granted. You are worth so much more than someone just picking you up and using you, but if that does happen, pick yourself up. You've picked yourself up from rock bottom before, you can do it again. With the state of the world at the minute, its easy to crawl back into that part of yourself, who doesn't actually know how much you're actually worth.. (I'm aware I've used 'worth' like 50 times but hey i'm not one with words as we both know). And even though you've done that, for those 29 (and more) days, that doesn't make you weak, or any less what you're worth (again.. I know). The point I'm trying to make is, life is continuously kicking you / us / me down, but you CHOOSE life. Everytime. And that's something to be **** proud of. Like a dandelion through the pavement, I persist. Me and mum have almost finished the fifth season of How To Get Away With ******, (hopefully you've now watched season 6 and figured out what the hell is going on!!!), and I don't think I realised until today how much of a big impact it has had on me. I don't think I've admired anyone more than Annalise Keating. I know she's fictional, but she's incredible. She has made me love myself, which hopefully works out for you because hopefully you are loving yourself more than ever. Things I love so much about you is how kind you are, which I often take as being a pushover, which we can be, but my goodness you have a big heart. And with all that loving and helping everyone else you do, letting them enter your heart, surely there's enough room for one 19 year old who just wants to be happy :). The things I thought I hated about myself / us, are the things that make us, us. The dimples in your cheeks when you smile, and your smile which can be as wide as the Cheshire Cat's when you're laughing. Your eyes which have seen so much, but still can be just as kind when you really look into them, and the creases under them when you smile just proves how much laughing you've done when you're with the right people. The way you are with the kids makes me want to be that girl everyday. I am currently a mess, but aren't some messes beautiful? I'm a work in progress, but I promise you I will work my arse off to make sure that when you receive this, you're as happy as you can be and so loved by yourself. And if you're not? Well, you've survived 100% of your worst days yet. That's 21 years worth. But if you still have your dynamos, can see the kids, have your loving family, a roof over your head, and food on the table, then that's all you need to get through the bad days. There's always sunshine if you look for it, there's always something to laugh or smile about, and there for sure is something beautiful in everyday. You were created with a perfect palette. A palette of intelligence, stubbornness, humour, passion, and beauty and lots more that I'm willing to look into myself to find, for you. I don't know what the future holds, but I will make a future, for you, for me. Love, 19 year old me x

Epilogue

about 2 years later

Dear 19 year old me,

Wow, sometimes I think past me is more wise than current me, but we are the same person so I have that wisdom somewhere ha!...

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Gtnikal feil o(wh ear oyepltlmce ,won dsipue )eteltr, adn 32 in 2s1t in to my my eary wndo htat mi’ uyo ancdegh. Ti rsowt eyra the and wsa etbs ilef fo ym. Erwe sa a me tno raetg ds‘’mnayo dithbayr ugrho one, 1ts2 onggi pcath tughohr ew iedtcdh my swa a my. Ayn cemo adn eb ibglcnrum i wkon ti brtemseep whit oludw het way nedfisr by tlltei i ddi eht lla uogrhothut wodn of thta ear,y emth t’nwodlu. Dot’n ttah uoy, rof or of meka ouy eiv’ ,tupse the su migth kosch ubt redci gunoeh htob wrory,. E’rnat i ,kwno and ntwa seme hwat htye uoy eploep tath lla tessemoim ot. Ti eeplpo s1t2 hitnk we so ear era oyu tocnaltsny itlnu ew raye itllte d’dint seonar seerial jtus of atth nmya orfm teerh ym eht sapt ahtt so era unodar lfso,uer taht. I nad rpdpeod i lyestneni rguteaad atht daluicsi ’nddit slao yer,a maeebc otu. Wohttiu up to i slpdeip my oknw albe dd’tin a life ohw ton but ndwuofne nda dne for egbni whti voel ntoi rohhugt oay…g i gto how it mseooen wlodu i ilev. Uro hmclitle. Dluwo ,wdlro tlyeecpmlo fiel hse oyu dna ym eovl ,me no si aegdnch she’ in vegietynhr sjtu rtihg tsih ihm ttah evsecirtpep. .
Aeyr atfre i ddi i ni a gaedutdar 0232 iwht and a ffo gouthh :12 s2t1 bcak m,e twne i ni reya pu end uylj trdnauiagg my nui. So puord dowul be you. Os ma rodpu i. A a ot nad i’ts eht frtis gbnie :) eiusncngoll ym nmtehcveeia krasm was up td,ae on gsebgti inrtcpeope oteditnssrai i fof wfe adn of ym ndede ,on.
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Up htiecml,l r,eid twih tbes btu eneb eht erev vmongi nediocis a ignliv it’s nad uto deend i. Adsnersoiitt ear,y cohsk dide a tsal rhigt lemddi in nad niiwrtg the dan fo asw a otl ti rhtu, my gddrana it. Uoecpl rltet,e aertf snhotm eltl tub uoy lucdt’on otni oyu dah go fo i to tsivi ot yaawny eh shiw dna i uyo go dan meh,o a at lucod ese cwoknl,do mih meco teorw mhi freta uto atht ouy all a. Kabc the eelf uyo ’odtn vieenrus ),wlil konw so i( uyro dab sah.
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Sthngi hsiw atht i hetser llet ucdlo i ouy. Orudp uoy ma ikel i fo owh. I yuo 4 ot rtela ni eyras fo hwo mnmteo wsa shiw teh i tesniad rikden. I am i y,uo opmrise galhnie btu. Rptsa rnnei ysmefl i lcdhi dotn’ i ot su erev ot adn lahe i,kel aelh slueofr on ma gwkonri feymls aveh rou ew nirdaw tath nibeg fo etsho nhta i rmof ot b,een nkrdei asw obderb am. Out phsewne es(y eepdlh cleurrnyt rydabhti ew aeebcsu uro yuro wo,n featr 1th3 rrhtoeb ognig ehav ellw ew sa elltti sith ma sa r’atne ’di adn udfon )e!tr,el!t bti no eseicn i’m i 4 pognmi snithg nad igrtiwn a adn a snpewhe girht. Is no thta i gehmsinto btu iwnrgok am. Neourdbasi on utrh so gwrinok ahtt sthi elef ’odtn i ma nmyaoer ew. To ton odhl hyet ihtw aer rou oeirsnpiystlib of is uors it icxpaeensott tno sleppeo us, toher ot alde. A uy’oer htat wnok lto fo gdoilnh nda i. St’i kaoy stginh htose i’m to igtleln put you ownd. To tpposaiidn eolv pepelo i’st yuo yaok. Ryosu ont e,ifl sit’ si’t hrtie eseaucb. Hetyr’e giond eabuesc dhnlso’ut oruy yuo het slee not ot on whta ash lief be noe and ycapacit yuo lohusd eltl nlgivi. To atth rliytea ear nogdi lla tawh essccioreas swsesinte to e’uory htye yrou are. Mattres em hognnti. Avhe fi ,acbk your teh it ti will ,aehedppn evnsueir aehv douhvs’le wdoul. Nay gotuhrh i it eltlchmi ttha iowhttu ea’ntvh dame sroiemp cseisnodi rofm i uyo r(ptaa fllyu ghntinki nad strfi. . Hgift how ?eov)l usaec nac. Whti of tish eth on olu’ly su fo saydnom nowk giebn not i be tuo sfrinde ehfxretdapiy lerett all. Shit ntca’ erfoc yuo ignhst btu ni feil. U,s ti ’eeythr nowk ton gdoo odog orteh ubt aech wree heyt ofr for ntdo’ otn yhet. Rae tepy bttere ucmh os evgni ouy oyu dan eht hmuc so adn rvceieed you more eewr rae hesrifnipd voel dan fo nhat wthro hwta. Asueebc as,ymodn eht tgnsih hte is sinptoyerla hwen to uiwhtot oellawd i dawrkaw eomc neth to ruo toher em) ysa i hety oefldwlo on rndieifpsh den locdu nad swa to btu htey ti an akattc ti hsiw are cut dne su too ohces to na yuor eadmbl negib wtha to,u wcihh(. Teaedtr ’yeouv lpeoep nntgkihi yeveht’ het roy’eu uyo fo rea nnoe nda liek tohwr solt teh eecsbua newh tabou hitw ro,dwl ont ssisaentn btu are uyo orwht lal is. Eintdn eylsm,f ayds ym reuftu owytrh to i igben us pnesd the ni o,yu of nda.
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M’i o,ryrs.
Seaepl e,m fgeiorv.
Nhatk y,uo.
Ovle i uyo.
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Lveo,.
X em 32 yaer ldo.

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