A letter from April 10th, 2020

Peaceful right?

Dear FutureMe, If I'm right, (which I am ofc), today is your 21st birthday. Happy birthday E <3 Who'd have thought we'd get here?? I hope you are getting spoiled, by yourself, and remembering that not all birthdays are terrible :). I hope you still have your dynamos (you better, 'cause they're the bestest friends in the world), to party with, but not TOO hard, 'cause we know how that ends! At this current time, you're probably in the middle (I hope in the middle, please don't procrastinate!!), of writing your dissertation on whatever you have chosen! (I still currently think it should be about white privilege in society, but I won't be mad if you choose something better / easier to research :) ). You've nearly graduated, which is a huge achievement, and you should be extremely proud of yourself for everything you've achieved. You may even have a boyfriend by this time, but don't worry if you don't, boys are overrated ;). As I'm sitting here rn, on my bed, at 8:15pm on a Friday night, in a global pandemic where we have been in lockdown for 15 days (and I / you have been in self isolation for about 29 days), I thought I'd tell you how much I love you. 2020 so far has definitely been a rollercoaster, if you remember, March - now has been the hardest. But you are so worth it. I don't think I know anyone more worth it than you. Don't ever let anyone take you for granted. You are worth so much more than someone just picking you up and using you, but if that does happen, pick yourself up. You've picked yourself up from rock bottom before, you can do it again. With the state of the world at the minute, its easy to crawl back into that part of yourself, who doesn't actually know how much you're actually worth.. (I'm aware I've used 'worth' like 50 times but hey i'm not one with words as we both know). And even though you've done that, for those 29 (and more) days, that doesn't make you weak, or any less what you're worth (again.. I know). The point I'm trying to make is, life is continuously kicking you / us / me down, but you CHOOSE life. Everytime. And that's something to be **** proud of. Like a dandelion through the pavement, I persist. Me and mum have almost finished the fifth season of How To Get Away With ******, (hopefully you've now watched season 6 and figured out what the hell is going on!!!), and I don't think I realised until today how much of a big impact it has had on me. I don't think I've admired anyone more than Annalise Keating. I know she's fictional, but she's incredible. She has made me love myself, which hopefully works out for you because hopefully you are loving yourself more than ever. Things I love so much about you is how kind you are, which I often take as being a pushover, which we can be, but my goodness you have a big heart. And with all that loving and helping everyone else you do, letting them enter your heart, surely there's enough room for one 19 year old who just wants to be happy :). The things I thought I hated about myself / us, are the things that make us, us. The dimples in your cheeks when you smile, and your smile which can be as wide as the Cheshire Cat's when you're laughing. Your eyes which have seen so much, but still can be just as kind when you really look into them, and the creases under them when you smile just proves how much laughing you've done when you're with the right people. The way you are with the kids makes me want to be that girl everyday. I am currently a mess, but aren't some messes beautiful? I'm a work in progress, but I promise you I will work my arse off to make sure that when you receive this, you're as happy as you can be and so loved by yourself. And if you're not? Well, you've survived 100% of your worst days yet. That's 21 years worth. But if you still have your dynamos, can see the kids, have your loving family, a roof over your head, and food on the table, then that's all you need to get through the bad days. There's always sunshine if you look for it, there's always something to laugh or smile about, and there for sure is something beautiful in everyday. You were created with a perfect palette. A palette of intelligence, stubbornness, humour, passion, and beauty and lots more that I'm willing to look into myself to find, for you. I don't know what the future holds, but I will make a future, for you, for me. Love, 19 year old me x

Epilogue

about 2 years later

Dear 19 year old me,

Wow, sometimes I think past me is more wise than current me, but we are the same person so I have that wisdom somewhere ha!...

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Elfi 32 in ndow aer you ele)trt, im’ lleepctmyo eudips my to raye t21s hdcenga my adn ahtt in ,nwo tlnigak o(wh. Etbs saw elif it eth nad my owrst yare fo. A ‘yano’dsm a wsa not rguho my trage bairtydh tphca sa we tceddhi ignog uhohrtg 1t2s rewe ym no,e me. Ttuorhuogh litlte come of did nay it dna ttha i er,ay ondw ldowu’tn olduw ownk merbeetps way i eht redifsn rinulmcbg yb eht tiwh lal be ehtm. ’vie of uyo but tdno’ akme chosk gohenu ,you or rfo su irecd othb migth roy,wr taht the puste,. That i eelopp iemotmses ,wonk lla tawh ot nawt and oyu emes teyh nera’t. 1t2s that tdi’dn juts ti nmay litetl ew epeopl you rehte tulni we rofm tinhk yare aer so my rae hte onradu tath lctnaotyns rae os ,lusreof of ptsa aiersel htat nsaero. And hatt slduciia yer,a i salo i orddepp beacme yninetsel urteadag ’ndtdi tuo. Pu hwit ned wdlou ’dnidt utb a nokw dna ga…oy gto owh for dspiple ot i i nto ym grtohuh nnfuoewd tnoi flie how lvoe i eabl ti eginb emoesno tiuwhto vlei. Llhmciet uor. Is ni yuo my gtneyeivhr owdlu nad sith veol jtsu eh’s on degchan mih she pmlceteloy hrtig ahtt l,rdwo lief em, tsepcpeeriv. .
Hhgtou nui off yluj did wten wthi 12st ftear i bkac 12: a nde adgngutrai a ym i 3220 ayer pu detdaagru dna i ni in yrae ,em. So oyu pruod odluw be. Ma odrup i os. Gbnei tfsri ffo tde,a no ersnsttaiodi unloicnglse wef :) i dnede up ,on eth tggbesi a to my and wsa a s’it rptpniceeo fo dan eihmavetnce ksamr my.
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Moignv niosedci uot re,di eneb clitlmhe, reve a t’si eth pu ndeed i adn ubt lvigin tbse ithw. Eht hgitr a nad ni fo drdgaan itwngri eidd otl okcsh nad ti rassidnettoi salt leimdd asw ym are,y a ur,th ti. Ltel nda i to had ocem a l,rttee onmsth clouep ,mohe og ees whis eartf ouy uto after rwtoe ayaywn tub ndwlcok,o viist i yuo lla ihm ntoucdl’ a dlocu at htta yuo dna fo go eh to uyo him ntoi. I( eefl adb nrsiueve ouy hsa nkow akbc het ouyr )i,wll ’dnto os.
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Ltel htngsi yuo i i tsereh iwsh taht uocld. Of i eilk ma yuo oprdu who. Ednkri ayesr terla ot idatsne ouy of owh saw 4 eth shwi in i emnmot i. ,uoy tbu ma i pmoeisr anlegih i. Ahtt gbeni orfm wnidra ew of nreni hlidc be,en vhae i rou tod’n to kie,l nrdiek saw psart lrfeuso ot to hlea syefml am i dna athn erve irngowk su mfleys am i no ebdbro hoest elha. On rhgti a am uor ghtins enhpwse ew we phwnese snceei adn ldeehp abrdiyth miopgn odnfu ’di tuo 4 ecnruytrl im’ wlel tr’nea and besucae iteltl aftre as sith ey(s errobht niogg vahe uroy a sa ginrtiw bit o,wn i t3h1 t!te!rle), dan. Tath but tohmngsei si no i am knorgiw. Os ttah todn’ eefl ransiudboe no enarmoy i am iths kowgrni we urth. To oprnstyebliiis ont si ot thye fo ont poatxisenect rsou pleeops rae hiwt s,u eroth eald ruo dlho it. Htat lot i ndiholg onwk dna a ryo’eu fo. Sitgnh kyao heost ’ist ot ’mi ouy nwdo tup inletgl. Elvo ot peeopl it’s oyak yuo spidntoiap. Ton uebceas eriht t’is soyur ifle, i’ts. Liigvn godin you uyo ton hsa suolnhd’t to oury esel eyh’tre eth eilf nad sbeeacu no sldohu be iaaytpcc etll atwh eon. Yhet essntwesi ’oeyru ndiog era rlaytie ot lal iecesascors oryu wath ttah ot aer. Termtsa em gnnihto. Rsevunei cakb, the vahe it oruy it ovlhdeus’ ndhpeepa, dolwu hvae fi llwi. I (aptra i rmfo oresmip llfyu hguorht tohtwiu havet’n siidonesc htat amed nad mlhcteli ayn yuo sftir tignkinh it. . Hfgti acues nca ?ve)ol who. Lal tou rdnesif rtteel fo i niegb idryextehfap su on the oylu’l nkwo whti sith be ynmsaod tno of. Nca’t in lief btu freoc sith isngth yuo. ,su they for ceha rhtoe dogo tnd’o otn hety erew onwk odog for tbu tno it e’eyhtr. Of uoy uoy nad levo betret reew genvi rae umhc thowr so than os ypet rmeo eth nad ieevdrce ripsdnefhi oyu aer thaw nda mchu. Ysa olldfeow an to etyh too pderfsihin hatw cuaeseb an nwhe hte solntareipy us m)e uct kadrwaw on wleldoa to ttohuiw are tyhe si dan troeh ubt to uory (wihch to den mady,son nibeg i eht bemlda it hetn it oru sihw swa i to,u duclo ned ctkata cmeo tghsni cehso. Rea utoab ear voyeu’ yuo beucsea het eppleo enssintas thve’ey neon oyu inhtigkn not hitw lo,dwr is all hnew lkei ueoy’r btu the readtet wrtoh fo dna tlso hrtow. Pneds dan my yrtohw ibegn su ayds y,ou het ot of rftuue lyf,mes tinned i in.
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M’i ,yrosr.
Ifrevgo ,me pasele.
Nkhta oy,u.
I uyo vleo.
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,lveo.
23 x ldo reya me.

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