A letter from April 10th, 2020

Peaceful right?

Dear FutureMe, If I'm right, (which I am ofc), today is your 21st birthday. Happy birthday E <3 Who'd have thought we'd get here?? I hope you are getting spoiled, by yourself, and remembering that not all birthdays are terrible :). I hope you still have your dynamos (you better, 'cause they're the bestest friends in the world), to party with, but not TOO hard, 'cause we know how that ends! At this current time, you're probably in the middle (I hope in the middle, please don't procrastinate!!), of writing your dissertation on whatever you have chosen! (I still currently think it should be about white privilege in society, but I won't be mad if you choose something better / easier to research :) ). You've nearly graduated, which is a huge achievement, and you should be extremely proud of yourself for everything you've achieved. You may even have a boyfriend by this time, but don't worry if you don't, boys are overrated ;). As I'm sitting here rn, on my bed, at 8:15pm on a Friday night, in a global pandemic where we have been in lockdown for 15 days (and I / you have been in self isolation for about 29 days), I thought I'd tell you how much I love you. 2020 so far has definitely been a rollercoaster, if you remember, March - now has been the hardest. But you are so worth it. I don't think I know anyone more worth it than you. Don't ever let anyone take you for granted. You are worth so much more than someone just picking you up and using you, but if that does happen, pick yourself up. You've picked yourself up from rock bottom before, you can do it again. With the state of the world at the minute, its easy to crawl back into that part of yourself, who doesn't actually know how much you're actually worth.. (I'm aware I've used 'worth' like 50 times but hey i'm not one with words as we both know). And even though you've done that, for those 29 (and more) days, that doesn't make you weak, or any less what you're worth (again.. I know). The point I'm trying to make is, life is continuously kicking you / us / me down, but you CHOOSE life. Everytime. And that's something to be **** proud of. Like a dandelion through the pavement, I persist. Me and mum have almost finished the fifth season of How To Get Away With ******, (hopefully you've now watched season 6 and figured out what the hell is going on!!!), and I don't think I realised until today how much of a big impact it has had on me. I don't think I've admired anyone more than Annalise Keating. I know she's fictional, but she's incredible. She has made me love myself, which hopefully works out for you because hopefully you are loving yourself more than ever. Things I love so much about you is how kind you are, which I often take as being a pushover, which we can be, but my goodness you have a big heart. And with all that loving and helping everyone else you do, letting them enter your heart, surely there's enough room for one 19 year old who just wants to be happy :). The things I thought I hated about myself / us, are the things that make us, us. The dimples in your cheeks when you smile, and your smile which can be as wide as the Cheshire Cat's when you're laughing. Your eyes which have seen so much, but still can be just as kind when you really look into them, and the creases under them when you smile just proves how much laughing you've done when you're with the right people. The way you are with the kids makes me want to be that girl everyday. I am currently a mess, but aren't some messes beautiful? I'm a work in progress, but I promise you I will work my arse off to make sure that when you receive this, you're as happy as you can be and so loved by yourself. And if you're not? Well, you've survived 100% of your worst days yet. That's 21 years worth. But if you still have your dynamos, can see the kids, have your loving family, a roof over your head, and food on the table, then that's all you need to get through the bad days. There's always sunshine if you look for it, there's always something to laugh or smile about, and there for sure is something beautiful in everyday. You were created with a perfect palette. A palette of intelligence, stubbornness, humour, passion, and beauty and lots more that I'm willing to look into myself to find, for you. I don't know what the future holds, but I will make a future, for you, for me. Love, 19 year old me x

Epilogue

about 2 years later

Dear 19 year old me,

Wow, sometimes I think past me is more wise than current me, but we are the same person so I have that wisdom somewhere ha!...

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Aer in that upseid mlpceeoytl i’m raey adn wn,o st12 in my 23 dwno to ym life ttree,)l uyo hw(o lngtaki cedgnah. Ym fiel swa eht fo ryea etsb adn rowst it. Ghrhuot idhcetd ont ngiog my htacp rhibytda y’somnad‘ ne,o sa 2ts1 my ew a em a uhgor rewe rateg saw. Oemc tiwh nad a,yer kown esreetmpb uorutoghth tltiel idd by mteh i ahtt yaw teh fo rifndse clrbgmuni i be lwudo the it ndwo tn’dluow nay all. ’ntdo cksho ouy uspe,t o,yu ro orwy,r eht su of v’ie idrce ttha rof mthgi hbot tub kema nehugo. K,wno oppele htta esem i ahwt sositemme re’nta dan to tnaw lla htey uoy. T12s hkitn tujs dn’idt eht ym it rmof orneas canyslntto aer we aer elosrfu, fo so elpoep rae nudaor tath aeyr os uoy that we spta ttah naym raeiles lntiu trhee tlleit. I hatt egaradut yrea, mbeaec teyelnsin drepopd uto adn csaudlii aosl i ’nidtd. My to nto ifel evil wittuho eonseom elvo nibge i rof i oitn isdeplp ogt aebl dan owh ti olwud up btu ned i tgrouhh ohw dtid’n a tiwh ndwuefon know oyg…a. Rou lihetclm. Elif coemlytpel hse dan veirhynegt sepeicvpter ni hgnacde dluwo no em, is thsi ovle yuo juts ym l,owrd ihm htat ehs’ tighr. .
0223 iun pu igdugraant tnew em, fof lyuj thwi 2:1 i 12ts i egrtdaadu in bakc aeyr a nde ni teraf hhutgo eyar dna idd my i a. Pdour uoy so eb uodwl. Udpor am so i. Getbisg atd,e seiatdrtsnio ): enedd to marsk nda o,n was my off neigb a pu eehtencivam no dna i a het icnuglnseol rpteocenpi my sirft is’t of ewf.
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Ginvil enedd up a iogvmn uot bset icndosie eth tihw ,mcitelhl but eenb i t’si ier,d rvee dan. Ni died dlemid yrae, ti wiintgr dan csokh olt saw a of dandgra it ortsidentasi my hrtig and hte lsta a ut,rh. I yuo a aeftr you wihs eftra oyu tlel adh a opluce nad ta othsmn eh hmi coem otrew og cdoul and vtiis to i ubt lla ees wynaya elertt, to tou iton fo atth og ohme, imh oyu u’cndtol klowo,ncd. Eefl yuo tod’n eiensruv so bad i( hte kwno oruy cabk wli),l ash.
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Iwsh htta ouy trehse i could ellt nsithg i. I like pourd am of yuo owh. I aws the 4 dnkier of in ryase siwh otnmem to asientd ouy i aretl how. I ma btu eompris ianghel ouy, i. Hant ot oeths i tsarp rginkow ’tnod hatt ,ikle lcdhi us dirken our laeh ngbie slmfye to fo ennri vhea odberb i ormf am be,ne ot mfeysl leha i wsa dna on erve ma arnwdi sferlou ew. Nisece ’mi sa pnheews tiingrw uodfn beesuca hgtnsi avhe nad no a esy( ibt ew a ht31 te!l!e),tr hsit ma as lheedp igrth wno, ’id rberhot hdaibyrt ra’ten dna featr adn i ettill noigmp ruyo out noigg 4 ntrulcyer newhsep we ewll ruo. Atth kwigorn si i on btu am mihesongt. So i sthi oriwgnk atht ew eayonmr o’ntd ruht on efel rudoanbsie am. Thiw to aer olhd not deal ti us, eoslpep ont nlipyrbsitiose is of suor to ehrot rou aioepstnctxe yhet. Wnok thta dan i a of eyuro’ olt lohdnig. Thnsgi ouy sehto igllent nodw akyo sit’ put ot im’. Si’t adtiospnpi oeplep eolv ot uoy oaky. Not t’is baecseu erith e,ilf st’i ryuos. Eb dan ltel whta oen yuo ton ot idong uoy teh itpccyaa ilgivn ash ehye’tr else ouyr uhnt’lsdo seaecub no efli udlsoh. Sitnesswe whta to lal era yuor gnido to ’roeyu tyeialr htat hyet aer oseciassrce. Hnontgi teatsmr em. Eavh het if vhae ’oudvselh ti odluw will vniusere ti e,npahpde oruy ca,kb. That tpa(ra eamd ktinhngi omreips toiwhtu ohhutgr h’vntae eillmthc ti fmro dnieociss i flyul dan oyu rfsti ayn i. . Fihgt nac v)l?oe secau who. Lla ’llyou etahyixrfedp hte i ton of be leetrt msandyo no otu su nowk ngbei siht ihwt of dfrsnei. Iths foecr inshtg uyo nc’at tub ielf in. Eyteh’r ache nto dgoo ewer they threo s,u tn’do ofr yteh tub nwko ogod orf not it. Nad dna chmu os eomr fo were rae beetrt tanh yetp rienihpfds uyo ortwh hawt os eht oyu and olve eervdice evgin yuo ear chum. I whis tuc ti mabled e)m sya to hte an is to,u thne tahw to to iyonaplster oot aedllwo wsa het ehnw moec ear ti ubt atakct uory no thuowti ocehs an dcoul yeht edn kdwawra nda s,ynmoad niephirfds ned ruo gnbei ot they hteor ghtsni cebeusa us eofwoldl hhw(ci i. Ouvy’e eppeol oyu aer is daterte nesiatsns ye’veth lsot ekil ortwh uoabt enno era otn inkihgnt ouy hte nad htwro tbu hte whit er’uyo wehn of ucseeba lla odrw,l. Teh i tueurf ni snedp fo ys,eflm my ydsa wthory ot dan gienb oy,u us nindet.
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Rosy,r mi’.
,me ievgfro pleesa.
Ou,y tkahn.
I eovl uyo.
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Lv,eo.
X raey ldo em 23.

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