A letter from April 10th, 2020

Peaceful right?

Dear FutureMe, If I'm right, (which I am ofc), today is your 21st birthday. Happy birthday E <3 Who'd have thought we'd get here?? I hope you are getting spoiled, by yourself, and remembering that not all birthdays are terrible :). I hope you still have your dynamos (you better, 'cause they're the bestest friends in the world), to party with, but not TOO hard, 'cause we know how that ends! At this current time, you're probably in the middle (I hope in the middle, please don't procrastinate!!), of writing your dissertation on whatever you have chosen! (I still currently think it should be about white privilege in society, but I won't be mad if you choose something better / easier to research :) ). You've nearly graduated, which is a huge achievement, and you should be extremely proud of yourself for everything you've achieved. You may even have a boyfriend by this time, but don't worry if you don't, boys are overrated ;). As I'm sitting here rn, on my bed, at 8:15pm on a Friday night, in a global pandemic where we have been in lockdown for 15 days (and I / you have been in self isolation for about 29 days), I thought I'd tell you how much I love you. 2020 so far has definitely been a rollercoaster, if you remember, March - now has been the hardest. But you are so worth it. I don't think I know anyone more worth it than you. Don't ever let anyone take you for granted. You are worth so much more than someone just picking you up and using you, but if that does happen, pick yourself up. You've picked yourself up from rock bottom before, you can do it again. With the state of the world at the minute, its easy to crawl back into that part of yourself, who doesn't actually know how much you're actually worth.. (I'm aware I've used 'worth' like 50 times but hey i'm not one with words as we both know). And even though you've done that, for those 29 (and more) days, that doesn't make you weak, or any less what you're worth (again.. I know). The point I'm trying to make is, life is continuously kicking you / us / me down, but you CHOOSE life. Everytime. And that's something to be **** proud of. Like a dandelion through the pavement, I persist. Me and mum have almost finished the fifth season of How To Get Away With ******, (hopefully you've now watched season 6 and figured out what the hell is going on!!!), and I don't think I realised until today how much of a big impact it has had on me. I don't think I've admired anyone more than Annalise Keating. I know she's fictional, but she's incredible. She has made me love myself, which hopefully works out for you because hopefully you are loving yourself more than ever. Things I love so much about you is how kind you are, which I often take as being a pushover, which we can be, but my goodness you have a big heart. And with all that loving and helping everyone else you do, letting them enter your heart, surely there's enough room for one 19 year old who just wants to be happy :). The things I thought I hated about myself / us, are the things that make us, us. The dimples in your cheeks when you smile, and your smile which can be as wide as the Cheshire Cat's when you're laughing. Your eyes which have seen so much, but still can be just as kind when you really look into them, and the creases under them when you smile just proves how much laughing you've done when you're with the right people. The way you are with the kids makes me want to be that girl everyday. I am currently a mess, but aren't some messes beautiful? I'm a work in progress, but I promise you I will work my arse off to make sure that when you receive this, you're as happy as you can be and so loved by yourself. And if you're not? Well, you've survived 100% of your worst days yet. That's 21 years worth. But if you still have your dynamos, can see the kids, have your loving family, a roof over your head, and food on the table, then that's all you need to get through the bad days. There's always sunshine if you look for it, there's always something to laugh or smile about, and there for sure is something beautiful in everyday. You were created with a perfect palette. A palette of intelligence, stubbornness, humour, passion, and beauty and lots more that I'm willing to look into myself to find, for you. I don't know what the future holds, but I will make a future, for you, for me. Love, 19 year old me x

Epilogue

about 2 years later

Dear 19 year old me,

Wow, sometimes I think past me is more wise than current me, but we are the same person so I have that wisdom somewhere ha!...

.
My cgheand efil htat rltt)ee, aer uyo 32 im’ ym yare nowd adn in eusidp in 2ts1 n,wo ltpeeymcol h(ow ot atgnlik. Nad swort my of ifle erya ti saw the setb. Ym wree ew gthouhr grhou geart em ts12 sa a neo, aws a inogg hdeicdt ym not rbatydhi tcpha ndy’mso‘a. Teh emht nersfid tltile knwo owdn griclumbn it tiwh bstmeeerp i way tguhthouor nda fo ttah emoc y,rea het yb any did i lal eb loutnd’w uoldw. Of orf p,teus us rwr,oy hte erdci uyo akem that tub u,yo ro githm khosc oughne tn’od evi’ tohb. Waht ssteiomme emse i uoy ehyt ot leeopp k,own lla ttha awnt dna aenr’t. Tath we era peleop lnuti aurnod rhtee you ti so fo atth ytnsntlaoc era nid’dt ltlite nreaso so orfm itknh yera ew my ear astp eht lusr,feo aynm ts12 sreaiel htat utsj. Idtdn’ that sola i tuo ileytensn ateagrdu dopedrp i adn dsailcui eay,r emeacb. Nda my owh how nde …ygoa ndtdi’ htiw tub ealb eildpsp ton ibegn ti seoemno lvoe ihttuow i i up got ofr ivel to i wkon urhhtgo uenfdnwo ouldw a itno file. Ihlmcelt uro. Hse odwlu htrig ahtt ndhgaec dan lief on my si vole sith uyo rd,owl em, h’se hmi sjtu pleetymclo heenyrtvig csepevitper in. .
2:1 in 2032 ni uin ulyj ackb wtne me, tugohh pu a yrae unatgargid i edn year my artef i ffo and ddi a i uaedtragd 21st thiw. Pduro oluwd so be ouy. I os am odpru. To ym n,o teh of a itsfr ym a nda i beign eemcaihnvet saw idsoasntreit st’i raksm fwe :) noiugnclsle tpieeprcno dnede ffo at,de on dna pu gibtgse.
.
Ocnseiid erdi, etbs pu vmogni tub cemhti,ll a tou het erev ddeen i been its’ gvilni ihtw nad. Rgtih it ni of gaddnra nad a dan it the stla gtiwnri eddi itdoisaerstn ym ohksc y,era olt wsa uhrt, a diledm. Oe,hm ouy etll ot aftre i ulocep tou see uyo go nayawy nad thta ocdlw,okn rtel,te into hisw dulo’ctn all ivits wrtoe ouy yuo dha he fo a him coldu ta shnmot i cmoe utb a ot nad go afrte hmi. So nowk you dba lefe teh i( cakb wlli,) ash nusrevie o’dtn ryuo.
.
Tell you atth duolc sihw i htnisg etrhes i. Rpuod i ekli ohw you of am. Uyo artle in hsiw 4 sednait ot kednri i i asw of sraye the how eommtn. ,uyo tbu mopries i am i glanhie. To no us i veha saw kwrgino ma rapst eolsruf ernni ma nath klie, hela oru bodreb to rdknei adinrw we to nda of reve lefsym dchil omfr ’ntod bngei lmfyse ealh i tesho i htta b,een. Necsei ruoy sthi niigtrw a ngogi mgnoip y(es nad as uro sebuace pledeh vaeh stgnih )trete!l,! no shepnwe whenspe uryelnrtc hiatybdr elwl i i’d nad duonf tietll o,nw ’im we nda we 1h3t am a as bit raeft otu 4 naetr’ otrrbhe trghi. Ubt gwoknri am htsginome i no is atht. Thta reyanom i suibondrae tish rwgnkoi so no ma ruht dot’n efle we. Rsou si not nyposlretisiib with dael to oxspeettanic ont pleespo hlod our rea s,u ti fo ot ethy rtohe. I of taht nad wkno ldinogh a reo’yu otl. Oayk ’sti to gnhsit wndo lnietgl ’im osthe tup oyu. Opelpe t’is kayo to iaidopnstp eolv yuo. Tno s’ti herti sbuceae e,lif rsyou ’its. Ndt’shlou vliing uoy awth ot the sulhdo letl eon dgino nto ifel sha uyo aipctcay seel seecaub uroy eb eey’htr nda on. Ry’euo are ot aylitre atwh lla to rouy rae hatt htey stieswnse aseocircess oidng. Ohgtinn em eamttrs. Evha ,pnaphdee hte liwl revsenui if ackb, ti wlodu eahv ti hsduo’evl oyru. Eamd lylfu llhtecim mepsori dna sncsdoiie uoy ttah i ofmr otughhr apta(r iihngntk fstri vhenat’ nya i it towiuht. . Anc ausec woh lo)e?v igfth. No lla sienrdf nsydaom of gienb hte etlret eafdexpryiht fo su i otn ihts ’yullo kown ithw uto eb. Rfceo utb this uyo anct’ ni htigsn eilf. Fro yeher’t ogod heac tehy eroht were htey oodg rfo it tub ’odtn onwk ,su tno nto. Mhcu you os eth ewre wath oyu voel evcirede ear ispeihnrfd oerm uyo hucm etetbr nad tahn negiv os dan rea dna tyep fo twhro. ,ynmasdo to thgnsi kawwrad dpenfsiihr iwsh tuowiht edn it nad ewhn hroet i m)e iyetolsrnap awht ot tbu ear ehty bdmale hwc(hi emoc rou coshe too swa kaactt the no i ,out lealwod na ocdul gebni thne us ot ti ot nde eacbsue woflolde is na yhte teh ryou ysa ctu. Tub nstsaenis caeusbe rwoth voe’yu elik d,lorw nweh worht tihw fo epeopl ont si the eoyur’ you oyu ingtkihn nad eonn tlso edetart ’vethey all rae rea teh otbau. Su eitdnn ni nsepd u,yo twohry biegn het dna ym ydsa fuuert fo i ot em,fyls.
.
I’m ry,ros.
M,e efogrvi apeesl.
Uy,o kntha.
Ouy i vloe.
.
Vloe,.
Odl x yrea 23 me.

This user has written an update to this letter.To see what they wrote, please

Press ← and → on your keyboard to move between letters

Write new comment

Load more comments