A letter from April 10th, 2020

Peaceful right?

Dear FutureMe, If I'm right, (which I am ofc), today is your 21st birthday. Happy birthday E <3 Who'd have thought we'd get here?? I hope you are getting spoiled, by yourself, and remembering that not all birthdays are terrible :). I hope you still have your dynamos (you better, 'cause they're the bestest friends in the world), to party with, but not TOO hard, 'cause we know how that ends! At this current time, you're probably in the middle (I hope in the middle, please don't procrastinate!!), of writing your dissertation on whatever you have chosen! (I still currently think it should be about white privilege in society, but I won't be mad if you choose something better / easier to research :) ). You've nearly graduated, which is a huge achievement, and you should be extremely proud of yourself for everything you've achieved. You may even have a boyfriend by this time, but don't worry if you don't, boys are overrated ;). As I'm sitting here rn, on my bed, at 8:15pm on a Friday night, in a global pandemic where we have been in lockdown for 15 days (and I / you have been in self isolation for about 29 days), I thought I'd tell you how much I love you. 2020 so far has definitely been a rollercoaster, if you remember, March - now has been the hardest. But you are so worth it. I don't think I know anyone more worth it than you. Don't ever let anyone take you for granted. You are worth so much more than someone just picking you up and using you, but if that does happen, pick yourself up. You've picked yourself up from rock bottom before, you can do it again. With the state of the world at the minute, its easy to crawl back into that part of yourself, who doesn't actually know how much you're actually worth.. (I'm aware I've used 'worth' like 50 times but hey i'm not one with words as we both know). And even though you've done that, for those 29 (and more) days, that doesn't make you weak, or any less what you're worth (again.. I know). The point I'm trying to make is, life is continuously kicking you / us / me down, but you CHOOSE life. Everytime. And that's something to be **** proud of. Like a dandelion through the pavement, I persist. Me and mum have almost finished the fifth season of How To Get Away With ******, (hopefully you've now watched season 6 and figured out what the hell is going on!!!), and I don't think I realised until today how much of a big impact it has had on me. I don't think I've admired anyone more than Annalise Keating. I know she's fictional, but she's incredible. She has made me love myself, which hopefully works out for you because hopefully you are loving yourself more than ever. Things I love so much about you is how kind you are, which I often take as being a pushover, which we can be, but my goodness you have a big heart. And with all that loving and helping everyone else you do, letting them enter your heart, surely there's enough room for one 19 year old who just wants to be happy :). The things I thought I hated about myself / us, are the things that make us, us. The dimples in your cheeks when you smile, and your smile which can be as wide as the Cheshire Cat's when you're laughing. Your eyes which have seen so much, but still can be just as kind when you really look into them, and the creases under them when you smile just proves how much laughing you've done when you're with the right people. The way you are with the kids makes me want to be that girl everyday. I am currently a mess, but aren't some messes beautiful? I'm a work in progress, but I promise you I will work my arse off to make sure that when you receive this, you're as happy as you can be and so loved by yourself. And if you're not? Well, you've survived 100% of your worst days yet. That's 21 years worth. But if you still have your dynamos, can see the kids, have your loving family, a roof over your head, and food on the table, then that's all you need to get through the bad days. There's always sunshine if you look for it, there's always something to laugh or smile about, and there for sure is something beautiful in everyday. You were created with a perfect palette. A palette of intelligence, stubbornness, humour, passion, and beauty and lots more that I'm willing to look into myself to find, for you. I don't know what the future holds, but I will make a future, for you, for me. Love, 19 year old me x

Epilogue

about 2 years later

Dear 19 year old me,

Wow, sometimes I think past me is more wise than current me, but we are the same person so I have that wisdom somewhere ha!...

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And ym nwod atth ot 32 o(hw 12st my lkaigtn ni ayer edcghna o,wn flei elymectolp you in im’ ear epdisu rt,le)et. Ti ilfe wsa hte sbet twsor nda yrae ym of. Tno aws wree nom’das‘y a rateg eon, drhtiaby ouhrg me idchted hoghtur my nggio ew as t21s my hatcp a. I ihwt adn re,ya by atht be of rumbgcnil ayw onwd eht nkow eocm ddi i dluow meht lal nay sderinf liltet rebeetsmp uoorthught teh it unldtow’. Ttha or mthig yuo, aemk ’vei us uyo sochk rfo ,wryro o’dtn iredc fo huoeng eth tub tusp,e thbo. To yuo n,okw thta awth tnaw lla etyh mistemseo ntre’a i adn smee opplee. Ilunt loe,rsfu eyar ti 1s2t tnkhi of we asieerl tdi’nd ttha ormf eht are that odnuar rae ew my ptas hetre juts eelopp sontycltan os rea os you tath onaers ynma liettl. Olsa nltiyeesn yre,a sldiicua nda peprodd that i i agratdue otu meebac ndit’d. Twohuit nkwo iefl tnoi my rfo den ogt bnige y…gao it lvei i to iddt’n a i adn eosomne ufownnde hoguhrt wthi ipdlpse btu woh ohw otn i lwuod pu love laeb. Llmcehti uor. Ghitr enryhitevg adn mih h’es ,lrodw hdgncae lvoe ludwo ym ,em si ttha on leif eipevsecptr htsi eoplcmtyle ni jtus she uyo. .
I edtrdgaau ryae ayre in twhi adtgrinuag twne inu ddi kbca i nda 3202 off ljuy ni atefr i s2t1 a pu a :21 den ym me, gtohhu. Uldwo be upord uoy so. Droup i os ma. Igbsegt on iftsr ,no ndeed :) ym pu i ’its fwe ot the adn fo danostirseit niegb saw ramks my a epcrneitpo ffo da,te noielgslcun emtcianevhe adn a.
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Utb i up reve litem,chl niilvg nbee setb nad ngomiv eth a oescidin si’t itwh ended uot eir,d. Tinsisrdtoae a gwriint it dmidle nad t,urh dan of ddie ni chosk het gtihr tals ti asw my dadngar ae,yr a olt. Btu oyu uyo erfta all ahtt tou awayyn oyu go hsiw elpcuo a mih ntoi i ewort ouy of at ecmo shmtno and dna nko,wocdl ot rafte telrt,e ahd a ltle eh mhi ehm,o i ees oc’ldutn to go viist docul. Adb has so uyor nowk (i you the l)i,wl flee dn’to ckba venusier.
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I lduoc hisw seethr gnsthi ttha uoy i letl. You ma of i ilke dupor hwo. I nierdk 4 swa oyu nadties het rasye ratle ni hiws hwo fo ot i nmtome. I yo,u i am ileghan but pmoiser. Ehal fluseor asw danrwi i l,kie hatn ondt’ bn,ee iknedr ealh nrien am i rou nda prsta su ot to okinrgw ew ot frmo fo veer ngieb berdbo hoest am ylsfem hatt cldih vahe on i lsfmey. No i tbi dfnuo dan 4 npsehew sa evha !e)!e,rttl ew uto siht htrrbeo trgih dan rgnwiit ngipom iryabdth lwel ieltlt nda usebeca i’d ew eartf whnspee ognig rou elpdeh ryou t1h3 tgshin a as mi’ y(se wno, ma nlrytreuc a rt’aen ceenis. Mehigsnot is i utb taht griokwn ma no. Sthi on ma i dno’t ogirnwk that lefe so abderinous emaynor rtuh ew. Lohd yiinslsproebti htey ot it s,u rsuo of lespoep uro to rteoh era not iwht is ptnitexaecso edla ton. Yr’oue and tol i of gloihnd ttah a wkno. I’m wnod kyoa ot tgnilel ti’s soeht utp nishgt oyu. Uoy yaok eppelo ot si’t saptdpoini voel. ,lfei rsuyo s’it ton ’sit sbcaeeu ireht. Het ash nh’toslud eno t’yeerh lfie your no slee to twah lhduso adn yuo bseucea ouy ltle not pcyactai be vilgni gndoi. Iscseoacsre ahtt rea ear laretyi whta odgin royu lla isetnwsse to ot tyhe yru’oe. Em mtrtaes nnohigt. Ed,ephpan eht eavh ldvoehu’s loduw ruyo evha ti fi ti will bk,ac urievsen. Ttah i hugthor ismepor hgtnknii rifst ouy i iemllhtc iuhtowt uylfl seoinsdci (rtapa omrf made a’vehtn ti nya dna. . Ohw hitfg nca eucas e?)ovl. Gnieb uot dnoayms hist fo dhtaeiyepxfr eb het of no eelrtt with ol’uyl lal su i ton oknw drfnsie. ’catn in refoc sgthin uyo utb lefi hsit. D’nto ,us oogd ton ofr gdoo nto hyeret’ ceah rhteo btu wnko it orf hety rwee they. Oerm het reettb what aer oelv ewer nhta chum so dna cmuh you and ginve dan pndiehsirf recdieve ear uoy yetp so fo rhowt oyu. Gibne ti kdawwra ut,o too ocshe difriphens to owtuith aeecusb na elaowdl eyth it chhi(w ruo i m)e an meco wfedlloo nda,omsy waht to trohe dne su tcu is ays the utb teyh dbmlea saw ktacta ytpaornesil hnte nhwe i htgins ned aer eht no to cdluo and oyru shiw ot. Khtingin ’eyvhet tbu the klei d,rwol tdeerat wtih tobua lal bceaeus ont of ’ovuey nad eth yo’eur ewhn yuo antsienss ortwh aer slto is twohr neno uoy eoppel rea. Of and densp urtefu msf,ley wyrhot ni i ot us dnenti ym eth ysda ,you ingeb.
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I’m or,ysr.
Em, sapele oreigfv.
Nhkta uyo,.
I loev uoy.
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Le,ov.
X me yare 32 odl.

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