A letter from April 10th, 2020

Peaceful right?

Dear FutureMe, If I'm right, (which I am ofc), today is your 21st birthday. Happy birthday E <3 Who'd have thought we'd get here?? I hope you are getting spoiled, by yourself, and remembering that not all birthdays are terrible :). I hope you still have your dynamos (you better, 'cause they're the bestest friends in the world), to party with, but not TOO hard, 'cause we know how that ends! At this current time, you're probably in the middle (I hope in the middle, please don't procrastinate!!), of writing your dissertation on whatever you have chosen! (I still currently think it should be about white privilege in society, but I won't be mad if you choose something better / easier to research :) ). You've nearly graduated, which is a huge achievement, and you should be extremely proud of yourself for everything you've achieved. You may even have a boyfriend by this time, but don't worry if you don't, boys are overrated ;). As I'm sitting here rn, on my bed, at 8:15pm on a Friday night, in a global pandemic where we have been in lockdown for 15 days (and I / you have been in self isolation for about 29 days), I thought I'd tell you how much I love you. 2020 so far has definitely been a rollercoaster, if you remember, March - now has been the hardest. But you are so worth it. I don't think I know anyone more worth it than you. Don't ever let anyone take you for granted. You are worth so much more than someone just picking you up and using you, but if that does happen, pick yourself up. You've picked yourself up from rock bottom before, you can do it again. With the state of the world at the minute, its easy to crawl back into that part of yourself, who doesn't actually know how much you're actually worth.. (I'm aware I've used 'worth' like 50 times but hey i'm not one with words as we both know). And even though you've done that, for those 29 (and more) days, that doesn't make you weak, or any less what you're worth (again.. I know). The point I'm trying to make is, life is continuously kicking you / us / me down, but you CHOOSE life. Everytime. And that's something to be **** proud of. Like a dandelion through the pavement, I persist. Me and mum have almost finished the fifth season of How To Get Away With ******, (hopefully you've now watched season 6 and figured out what the hell is going on!!!), and I don't think I realised until today how much of a big impact it has had on me. I don't think I've admired anyone more than Annalise Keating. I know she's fictional, but she's incredible. She has made me love myself, which hopefully works out for you because hopefully you are loving yourself more than ever. Things I love so much about you is how kind you are, which I often take as being a pushover, which we can be, but my goodness you have a big heart. And with all that loving and helping everyone else you do, letting them enter your heart, surely there's enough room for one 19 year old who just wants to be happy :). The things I thought I hated about myself / us, are the things that make us, us. The dimples in your cheeks when you smile, and your smile which can be as wide as the Cheshire Cat's when you're laughing. Your eyes which have seen so much, but still can be just as kind when you really look into them, and the creases under them when you smile just proves how much laughing you've done when you're with the right people. The way you are with the kids makes me want to be that girl everyday. I am currently a mess, but aren't some messes beautiful? I'm a work in progress, but I promise you I will work my arse off to make sure that when you receive this, you're as happy as you can be and so loved by yourself. And if you're not? Well, you've survived 100% of your worst days yet. That's 21 years worth. But if you still have your dynamos, can see the kids, have your loving family, a roof over your head, and food on the table, then that's all you need to get through the bad days. There's always sunshine if you look for it, there's always something to laugh or smile about, and there for sure is something beautiful in everyday. You were created with a perfect palette. A palette of intelligence, stubbornness, humour, passion, and beauty and lots more that I'm willing to look into myself to find, for you. I don't know what the future holds, but I will make a future, for you, for me. Love, 19 year old me x

Epilogue

about 2 years later

Dear 19 year old me,

Wow, sometimes I think past me is more wise than current me, but we are the same person so I have that wisdom somewhere ha!...

.
Ownd ttha 32 no,w ot yera s21t era tymocpleel dpiuse ni ikngtla ym dgnahce ni m’i my ,tretl)e lefi you who( dan. And of het my swa eilf eyar sbte rwsot it. Ym uthrogh sa asw a dihdtce we me grtea o,ne rghuo otn ggion ewre my pahct rydhaitb 12ts ado’ymn‘s a. Lmugibcnr meoc ddi i and konw uodwl r,yea ywa hte temh fo by fiesrnd bmrteeeps it the tietll i owdn hitw uthrogouth be w’udtnol nya thta lal. Might oyu dnot’ akme icder e’iv skoch eth su hbot rroyw, ouy, or tub ofr htta of ogeunh st,upe. W,nok mestmioes ehty i hwat wtna ouy dna ot elepop atth esem r’tena all. 21st taht fmor hnikt so my ctoatynsln namy eloepp htat u,oelrfs utlin os i’tdnd stpa lleitt roeans ryae we rea it islaeer oyu ear eth ether ew utjs rae ahtt of unardo. Yrea, dan prdeodp acidslui aosl eytsninle i thta dd’nti auatrgde tou ebecam i. I hgthuor i ufndoenw geibn but up thwi uowld i tiwuoht beal ned ogt ovel my oknw ohw a ti flie ielv …gayo into orf pdplsie eonmeos to woh nad otn d’tidn. Iltchlem ruo. Love ouy ecspieetprv stju no ypcltoeelm ghitr siht is agecdhn lfei lwodu him ym in tvrenyigeh dwol,r s’he ahtt hse em, dan. .
Edn erfat bkca 1:2 wthi a i i ni t2s1 fof 3202 yrea newt in did nad agurntgdai pu uin yulj m,e othugh ayre i a ym duegatard. You wludo eb os dorup. Pdoru ma i os. Ulioenlcsng asw rsmak no eeddn igebtgs the my pu enatehcivem i to ): rfits ead,t peeocritpn dan osseittrdian fwe beign no, tis’ of my adn a ffo a.
.
Sit’ wthi die,r eeddn and tou teh tseb i c,thelmil siniedoc veer miovgn up a ebne gvnlii utb. Fo ltas ledmdi a rihgt wsa y,rae my ti ti cokhs dan idde gnddraa nda het oastiesdrtni lot rginitw ni a urth,. Sviit ihm a tndoucl’ ese at yuo mstohn ot ttrle,e him lla og h,ome coepul eltl yuo i iwhs to ewort rafte traef a of ,cklwoond that nda og tub uto he uyo dna aaynwy adh oecm uoy oitn i uocdl. Lefe i( sha eth knwo dnt’o dba uryo ouy bcak l,l)wi os nrueeivs.
.
Reehst udclo you i tlel thta wsih ntgihs i. Fo am ouy ikle how i pdour. Montem rlate eth wsih enitads in idenkr was 4 ot i uyo ayrse how i fo. Giaehnl ubt i i uyo, iempros am. To to ew rou odbreb was efmyls ufsloer to ekli, iclhd eahl en,be i leha fo gnbie atht pastr dton’ wkrgoin esylmf us irawnd i nrnie am dnkier htna i tehos nda am evah omfr no evre. No,w nda nad fnduo ibt weehnsp ehva rytrenluc as areft trbohre sey( ew on wpsheen am 4 iabhrdty igrwitn tou wlle ew uroy lehepd 3ht1 !)el!etrt, i ntshig minogp teitll im’ a goign a our becuesa eeiscn sa hrgti ’rtnea id’ dna isth. Iwknorg i on ttha tub am nstehiogm is. Eaobnriuds so shit ew roinkgw efel i no ma n’dto nymaeor uthr that. Of sirlospnbeityi aenxciepttso alde si otn ours elppeso rea it ohdl thoer to wthi to not uor us, tyhe. Dhgniol fo i htat onkw ueoy’r dan a otl. M’i ot okay oesth ts’i elltgin ptu nwod thgnis uoy. Lvoe to you si’t aoky sitopadinp plopee. Rethi ’sti rsuyo casebeu ief,l ’sti ont. Lsee on eecsbua dos’hlntu tlle nilivg ahs ton eb nidgo to teh elfi ypctaiac hyee’rt dlhsuo wtha uoy uoy yuro neo nda. Ot ro’uye gidno htey are sswieestn are awht lla ossiseercac ariylte ot htta rouy. Me saermtt nnhiotg. It heva lwudo eht luvsh’oed fi rsnevuei uory ckba, it lwil ehav ,naphpdee. Ogrthhu ttah praat( gtnhinki i i lmcltieh sfirt towutih rmof yan uyo and it fllyu inieoscds roiemsp ’avnhte adem. . Ov)e?l esauc who nac ftgih. Lertet ollyu’ the su thwi rdefnis eb i no fo tno fo odymsan nbgei pxeehdytarfi uto lal hist nokw. Tihs tbu oyu in sgthin file cant’ rceof. ’eetrhy oknw nto ehyt erew ogod ehtor ,us rfo hety tdo’n fro ont echa dgoo but it. Pety nad envig yuo mhcu aer wree uoy dna tahn dan teh eirhndspfi vleo you teterb chmu eicrdeev of so hwta rwoth roem os era. Akwwdar nwhe i hten oto isltpryoena to an gnhist teh dna was uasebec oemc utc ot yuro owleald teh era bgeni kcaatt ldouc eorht whc(ih is on ned i what tbu it su dne rou ays hesco u,ot hisw em) fooleldw teyh it hottwui n,asdmoy ot pisfnrdhei htey leadbm ot an. Ear teh atrteed rae ehy’tev iknnigth dna leki nnoe lal hwotr asstsneni fo lsot you ,rodwl epeopl but ewnh the uyo wtih aubot not o’yvue is ebuceas yero’u worth. Su dysa tyowhr ym fmley,s ftrueu uoy, dinten ni i ebign the of to nad nespd.
.
Yro,sr ’im.
Vrfoige eeaspl m,e.
Nktha ,uyo.
I eovl uyo.
.
Eo,lv.
X dol aeyr 23 me.

This user has written an update to this letter.To see what they wrote, please

Press ← and → on your keyboard to move between letters

Write new comment

Load more comments