A letter from April 10th, 2020

Peaceful right?

Dear FutureMe, If I'm right, (which I am ofc), today is your 21st birthday. Happy birthday E <3 Who'd have thought we'd get here?? I hope you are getting spoiled, by yourself, and remembering that not all birthdays are terrible :). I hope you still have your dynamos (you better, 'cause they're the bestest friends in the world), to party with, but not TOO hard, 'cause we know how that ends! At this current time, you're probably in the middle (I hope in the middle, please don't procrastinate!!), of writing your dissertation on whatever you have chosen! (I still currently think it should be about white privilege in society, but I won't be mad if you choose something better / easier to research :) ). You've nearly graduated, which is a huge achievement, and you should be extremely proud of yourself for everything you've achieved. You may even have a boyfriend by this time, but don't worry if you don't, boys are overrated ;). As I'm sitting here rn, on my bed, at 8:15pm on a Friday night, in a global pandemic where we have been in lockdown for 15 days (and I / you have been in self isolation for about 29 days), I thought I'd tell you how much I love you. 2020 so far has definitely been a rollercoaster, if you remember, March - now has been the hardest. But you are so worth it. I don't think I know anyone more worth it than you. Don't ever let anyone take you for granted. You are worth so much more than someone just picking you up and using you, but if that does happen, pick yourself up. You've picked yourself up from rock bottom before, you can do it again. With the state of the world at the minute, its easy to crawl back into that part of yourself, who doesn't actually know how much you're actually worth.. (I'm aware I've used 'worth' like 50 times but hey i'm not one with words as we both know). And even though you've done that, for those 29 (and more) days, that doesn't make you weak, or any less what you're worth (again.. I know). The point I'm trying to make is, life is continuously kicking you / us / me down, but you CHOOSE life. Everytime. And that's something to be **** proud of. Like a dandelion through the pavement, I persist. Me and mum have almost finished the fifth season of How To Get Away With ******, (hopefully you've now watched season 6 and figured out what the hell is going on!!!), and I don't think I realised until today how much of a big impact it has had on me. I don't think I've admired anyone more than Annalise Keating. I know she's fictional, but she's incredible. She has made me love myself, which hopefully works out for you because hopefully you are loving yourself more than ever. Things I love so much about you is how kind you are, which I often take as being a pushover, which we can be, but my goodness you have a big heart. And with all that loving and helping everyone else you do, letting them enter your heart, surely there's enough room for one 19 year old who just wants to be happy :). The things I thought I hated about myself / us, are the things that make us, us. The dimples in your cheeks when you smile, and your smile which can be as wide as the Cheshire Cat's when you're laughing. Your eyes which have seen so much, but still can be just as kind when you really look into them, and the creases under them when you smile just proves how much laughing you've done when you're with the right people. The way you are with the kids makes me want to be that girl everyday. I am currently a mess, but aren't some messes beautiful? I'm a work in progress, but I promise you I will work my arse off to make sure that when you receive this, you're as happy as you can be and so loved by yourself. And if you're not? Well, you've survived 100% of your worst days yet. That's 21 years worth. But if you still have your dynamos, can see the kids, have your loving family, a roof over your head, and food on the table, then that's all you need to get through the bad days. There's always sunshine if you look for it, there's always something to laugh or smile about, and there for sure is something beautiful in everyday. You were created with a perfect palette. A palette of intelligence, stubbornness, humour, passion, and beauty and lots more that I'm willing to look into myself to find, for you. I don't know what the future holds, but I will make a future, for you, for me. Love, 19 year old me x

Epilogue

about 2 years later

Dear 19 year old me,

Wow, sometimes I think past me is more wise than current me, but we are the same person so I have that wisdom somewhere ha!...

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23 my rae ym ni cltyplemeo nad o(hw aktlnig raye odnw ’im upisde ni uoy o,nw tee),rlt 2st1 ttah ehnagdc ot feil. Asw ti teh nda lfie my tebs of reya tsrow. My ew ym a hcapt st21 ’ny‘odsam me oging a hdritaby eewr was ne,o htugorh ugroh as nto ehitcdd targe. Lal thme i iredfsn be mceo by tlwoun’d dna atth eht reya, it kwon fo htrougtuoh eilltt donw wya cgmulibrn ebeptemsr idd tihw the i yan lowud. Ttha ’ive ro ,woryr upet,s on’td ierdc bhot imhgt u,yo het su uoy scokh eamk fro eonghu fo but. Msee lpepoe smstemeoi ’nreat tath lal you ot hyet kwon, waht dna i wnta. Aery of ttha nkiht aeersli we os nauodr 2s1t nactsoynlt era ti’dnd hatt ym nyma lpoepe rsoaen hatt nltiu so era oyu lse,urfo teh ti hteer rae usjt tpas we ittlle ormf. Lyeenitsn uot acbmee ttah ’idndt i uailsidc ardeutga opedprd adn slao i ryea,. Itutwoh i utb ti ym dtd’ni eomsnoe tuhhgro eabl ielf and oint dne evlo ueonfdnw lsdipep nowk enbig yago… not got who udowl a i i ofr to pu vile iwth ohw. Melhiclt rou. My nad si in eoylepltcm ielf e’sh vghreneyit ,wdlro ticeperpves ,me you rtgih tsju ehs hmi that voel no hits nhdgcea luwdo. .
A nui 0232 up ffo i dan jlyu nde nrdguiagat did toughh bkca eafrt ayer ni in a ageaddrtu m,e i ryae i wetn t1s2 htwi my 21:. Eb owdlu so uprdo ouy. I so am dpuro. Iteeprnopc ,no tiegsgb a i israisdtoten ot and bneig ist’ efw :) dan my no ffo mcnaehetvie onsgniellcu was ednde a my the sakrm rstif aet,d pu of.
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Cisodien btu vgiinl out i eben hte reev adn ddnee e,ird imgovn bste ’its pu whit emtcllhi, a. Nad edid ti riitgnw imeddl a alst of ni ym dan tur,h het e,ayr tlo rihgt a ndadrag kchos ti disernstioat aws. Nito sihw rweto isvti reaft ot ouy hda lal at ttah a lelt eh erlet,t a to btu i oyu ltonudc’ nhtmos dna oyu ywaany oyu oueplc i imh go og mhi ees fo efrat uto coem uclod dan ,omeh locdnw,ok. Teh ’dtno uoyr nreuisve ash os flee )llw,i (i dba okwn ouy bakc.
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Oyu ehetsr hnigts ishw letl dlocu i i that. You am lkei hwo rpuod of i. I kinerd how the i in 4 tomnme ot eysra of tdiaens shiw uoy tlear aws. ,ouy rspmoei ma i gnheali i but. Htta inren eerv iekl, ew ratsp drneki i no ne,eb than us aehl geibn am bbeodr of rmof swa nda to am chdil iwgkonr rou awidnr i to orlfsue setho d’ont ot sfmely aehv esyfml i elha. Ipmogn out ghitr nad ye(s ettlil o,nw sa rberhot we i’m vaeh ’ntear ihts t31h am euacbse a ellw seinec dan ogngi yuro ferat hgitsn i’d ridhtbay rou epsnweh dan ibt re)!ttel,! on ew i a ritginw tcrleuryn 4 dofnu sa dhlpee sepwhne. Am on i gwokirn btu si htta hongtmsei. Nrogkwi am hist yrnoaem i we nod’t efle ubnisoeadr hrut on htat so. Nto tansixecptoe eoeplps to su, to alde ihtw hetro fo rae ibstoselniyirp is oru ousr ont ethy ohdl it. Fo u’reyo tol higndlo and i a ownk ttah. Uyo thseo to mi’ lgtilen ’sti tpu akoy sihntg ndow. ’tsi to oelv oleepp yuo yako anspopidit. Rtihe efi,l ts’i tno t’si cseubae yosru. Sdlhuo the tnuls’hod inogd ptcayaci eauscbe you tno adn ellt ythere’ ot eb sah on oyru yuo eilf slee one lvgini tawh. To thaw ehyt wieetnsss royu aeirytl lla ttha ear yre’ou to sccsoeisear ogdin rae. Gitnhno tamrtes em. If haev vahe wlli vedoluhs’ it dlowu ac,bk seniveru dnhpa,pee eth ti your. Thoiutw t(apra htghuro yan uyo ttah cienssdoi rtifs hetanv’ gkninhti i luyfl i mposrei nda ielcmlth ofmr amde it. . V)elo? nac ftihg uscea ohw. Sodmnay xieftedryhpa ihwt fo of ont inbge nefdirs on nwok uot i eht lloyu’ leetrt shti su eb lal. Uyo htsi utb efroc a’tcn eifl sgnthi in. Onwk weer hoetr yeht yhet hcae godo us, ont rof oodg ont for it tbu rte’ehy odnt’. Eihdirfpsn nda uyo hmuc umhc teh reedveic loev of etbter mreo eewr vnegi dna so and htan aer yetp ouy yuo era so trhwo whta. Era beign ecmo to arpnslyteoi shwi o,tu dphesifrin dne ti echos na wdlfooel het me) an hi(hwc otituwh wehn i tehor ldcuo teh ubt tnsgih is ruo uory tkaatc su it htye was on to asy ahwt i to heyt adn ot cut m,ydnaos lwoelda oto dne suaebec neht akawdrw blamde. Noen nigkhtin yruoe’ kile tdtaeer era astnsiesn tohwr ostl aer the opplee fo nad eaceusb uyo tub het old,wr hotrw lla si het’yev twhi otn nhwe uy’ove yuo oaubt. Etfuur i ot ym worhyt uoy, ydas bigne fo dpsne su dennit dan in ,ylefsm eth.
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’im syo,rr.
,em paslee eofigvr.
Ktnha uoy,.
Uoy olve i.
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Le,vo.
X 32 odl eyra em.

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