A letter from April 10th, 2020

Peaceful right?

Dear FutureMe, If I'm right, (which I am ofc), today is your 21st birthday. Happy birthday E <3 Who'd have thought we'd get here?? I hope you are getting spoiled, by yourself, and remembering that not all birthdays are terrible :). I hope you still have your dynamos (you better, 'cause they're the bestest friends in the world), to party with, but not TOO hard, 'cause we know how that ends! At this current time, you're probably in the middle (I hope in the middle, please don't procrastinate!!), of writing your dissertation on whatever you have chosen! (I still currently think it should be about white privilege in society, but I won't be mad if you choose something better / easier to research :) ). You've nearly graduated, which is a huge achievement, and you should be extremely proud of yourself for everything you've achieved. You may even have a boyfriend by this time, but don't worry if you don't, boys are overrated ;). As I'm sitting here rn, on my bed, at 8:15pm on a Friday night, in a global pandemic where we have been in lockdown for 15 days (and I / you have been in self isolation for about 29 days), I thought I'd tell you how much I love you. 2020 so far has definitely been a rollercoaster, if you remember, March - now has been the hardest. But you are so worth it. I don't think I know anyone more worth it than you. Don't ever let anyone take you for granted. You are worth so much more than someone just picking you up and using you, but if that does happen, pick yourself up. You've picked yourself up from rock bottom before, you can do it again. With the state of the world at the minute, its easy to crawl back into that part of yourself, who doesn't actually know how much you're actually worth.. (I'm aware I've used 'worth' like 50 times but hey i'm not one with words as we both know). And even though you've done that, for those 29 (and more) days, that doesn't make you weak, or any less what you're worth (again.. I know). The point I'm trying to make is, life is continuously kicking you / us / me down, but you CHOOSE life. Everytime. And that's something to be **** proud of. Like a dandelion through the pavement, I persist. Me and mum have almost finished the fifth season of How To Get Away With ******, (hopefully you've now watched season 6 and figured out what the hell is going on!!!), and I don't think I realised until today how much of a big impact it has had on me. I don't think I've admired anyone more than Annalise Keating. I know she's fictional, but she's incredible. She has made me love myself, which hopefully works out for you because hopefully you are loving yourself more than ever. Things I love so much about you is how kind you are, which I often take as being a pushover, which we can be, but my goodness you have a big heart. And with all that loving and helping everyone else you do, letting them enter your heart, surely there's enough room for one 19 year old who just wants to be happy :). The things I thought I hated about myself / us, are the things that make us, us. The dimples in your cheeks when you smile, and your smile which can be as wide as the Cheshire Cat's when you're laughing. Your eyes which have seen so much, but still can be just as kind when you really look into them, and the creases under them when you smile just proves how much laughing you've done when you're with the right people. The way you are with the kids makes me want to be that girl everyday. I am currently a mess, but aren't some messes beautiful? I'm a work in progress, but I promise you I will work my arse off to make sure that when you receive this, you're as happy as you can be and so loved by yourself. And if you're not? Well, you've survived 100% of your worst days yet. That's 21 years worth. But if you still have your dynamos, can see the kids, have your loving family, a roof over your head, and food on the table, then that's all you need to get through the bad days. There's always sunshine if you look for it, there's always something to laugh or smile about, and there for sure is something beautiful in everyday. You were created with a perfect palette. A palette of intelligence, stubbornness, humour, passion, and beauty and lots more that I'm willing to look into myself to find, for you. I don't know what the future holds, but I will make a future, for you, for me. Love, 19 year old me x

Epilogue

about 2 years later

Dear 19 year old me,

Wow, sometimes I think past me is more wise than current me, but we are the same person so I have that wisdom somewhere ha!...

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O,nw lnatgki deghcan ,tlteer) puieds you (how yrea ni dan otlmyeepcl i’m to ni aer ym htat ownd efil 2st1 23 my. Bste ym ti efli eht ayre fo tosrw swa adn. Em ’amdsyon‘ my arget htdybria sa otn techidd ongig rgohu ewer wsa a no,e we uhogrth a ym 2t1s cphat. Wlduo lla nay ndwo ry,ae be eth the fo it twih otorguuhht did i ersdfin dan know thme wtl’uodn oecm i ebtmsrepe gnmribucl by awy lletti taht. Erdic ro worr,y uyo y,ou su thta utb of ocksh fro ’ndot ghoeun meak githm v’ie othb usetp, teh. Ratne’ i ntwa htta uyo adn eesm eeoppl hawt konw, all tehy to eseimmsot. My dtidn’ atth rdnauo we epelop atsp htnik of sraelie aynottclsn ersul,of reeth ltelit we os just teh ear rea lutni romf nyma you os s12t ear ttah eyra aoenrs ti htta. I uergdata hatt ’ddint odpredp iulscida acmebe nnietlsye nad otu olsa ,reya i. A yg…oa nndofuew who for veol idppels adn ont ti i to hutogrh otg eonmseo i edn who hwti my but ldwou knwo up iotn ddni’t eilv ebla eifl ithtwou i engbi. Ecmihllt ruo. On si hsit wuldo hs’e epmcleoytl ,ldorw ehs hritg my mhi itghvneyer dghncea ,em jtsu olve ouy nda ttha ilfe ni vceetpisrpe. .
Cabk i ,em inu 3022 a a erya did agdagnurit july up end ffo and my i ni in 2t1s ryea ntwe ftrae :21 thohgu adrgetdau i tiwh. Puord uyo eb os dwluo. I dorpu ma os. Of ,on and ym pioretnecp s’ti :) eggbsti nugielolscn engbi dte,a off i itenmcaheve fwe amksr trisf ym on the ssotdanireti dneed nda a swa a pu ot.
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Nosdeiic ’tis pu sbte a i e,rid hte inovmg vlingi adn bene reve ddene tbu ethlc,ilm uto wiht. Ngddara swa adn otl ayer, it ni dide u,hrt dtasotensrii nda the thrgi tgwirni my last kohcs a it demdli a of. Lecopu ot i vsiit tbu at arfet locknw,do go and tearf mih oudlc yuo go and el,tert uoy em,ho adh a a hiws owtre i ot see toni fo ynaayw uoy uot ltodun’c eocm uoy him he lal llte thnosm that. Kwon yuo ahs ll)wi, so lfee bda ivsenrue kbca yoru ondt’ (i hte.
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Ihws yuo tell i cdolu i taht hgsnit htsree. Klie am roudp fo yuo ohw i. How shiw 4 het asw i rseya i teral inkred ni idtnsea monmet ouy to of. Ma i i risepmo ahnegil ,you utb. Eebn, su saw uro i ninre vere bgeni li,ek yfslme neirdk ihlcd taht leha ma rstpa no’td oerdbb fuolser to on ot hlae adn rmof hant ymlfse grnowki i ew ot fo hvea i oetsh idawrn ma. Dna 4 otu rou escubae tish nad nshewpe otehbrr vaeh ouyr nultyercr sa we thgri frtae as id’ bit ean’tr a on dpleeh 1h3t pnheesw ellitt ndfou eesicn lewl sithgn am dan ’im nw,o gngio iogpnm lt!,tre)e! dytirhab ew a i s(ey ngwrtii. On moghsnite i am is grnkiwo utb tath. On nkrwigo iobensardu tihs os elfe i thta we ma nreoyma thur tdon’. It to rea eboltriisyinps naxiespeoctt of osur rtohe to tno ,su whit dael si epelpso tno teyh oru dhol. Glndohi a o’eryu knwo tlo fo i dna atth. Lgtlnie ’im htsgin yuo upt ot t’si koya wdon sehot. Vole ot yuo people snatdioppi aoyk s’it. Ueacesb tno tsi’ ,lfie tsi’ yuosr ethri. Hsa ot be dslothu’n uoy lhsoud one cuebsae aypitcca lefi iodng llet dan you thwa no eert’hy uroy not ilinvg esle the. Taht nodgi htaw thye ssrsieecoca lla eralyti sitessnwe yuor to ear to roeyu’ aer. Em inthngo rsetmta. Eth vaeh if huosl’evd ti wduol vseenriu cb,ka aevh dae,eppnh illw ti oyru. Hnkitngi lyulf ttuhoiw i eciltlhm nda dema ar(tpa coednsisi thoghru i enht’va nay rofm ti tsrfi ireomps htat uoy. . Hgfti ohw nac evo)l? esauc. Sith i no niegb etltre fo eb ptdrhaiyexef onkw oylu’l all of us het iedsnfr ymandos ont twih uto. Shti but lief in a’ntc nthgis you freoc. Oodg us, ’hytree for tyhe rtohe utb odgo erew wonk ’ntdo ton for it ceah tehy nto. Mroe brttee uoy yuo levo eth and gvien chum rea rceeevdi ouy os dna dan what so mhcu rea wtohr fprndhieis tahn rwee of epyt. On tcu ,dnysamo hte ihdepinfrs neth ecusbae gienb reoth wadrkwa adewllo an ot end utb htye newh snithg uro atactk us si i to to ihws hcwh(i mcoe lcudo tieaprlosny an u,ot awht ti ot ti seohc the aebmld are etyh otihuwt dollfewo too i yas swa and )me ned rouy. The ielk fo nitihngk are ettdear tub lrdwo, noen wtih yuo tlso anissents oyu vee’yht nweh elepop ont lla ohwrt uy’oev eou’yr adn ohwtr uoatb is uasbece teh era. I hytorw and nneitd engbi to of us dysa espnd ni ,yemslf my ,you rfuute hte.
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Rsyr,o ’im.
Esepla rofeivg ,me.
Tknah you,.
I yuo levo.
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Evol,.
Em x 32 dol raye.

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