A letter from April 10th, 2020

Peaceful right?

Dear FutureMe, If I'm right, (which I am ofc), today is your 21st birthday. Happy birthday E <3 Who'd have thought we'd get here?? I hope you are getting spoiled, by yourself, and remembering that not all birthdays are terrible :). I hope you still have your dynamos (you better, 'cause they're the bestest friends in the world), to party with, but not TOO hard, 'cause we know how that ends! At this current time, you're probably in the middle (I hope in the middle, please don't procrastinate!!), of writing your dissertation on whatever you have chosen! (I still currently think it should be about white privilege in society, but I won't be mad if you choose something better / easier to research :) ). You've nearly graduated, which is a huge achievement, and you should be extremely proud of yourself for everything you've achieved. You may even have a boyfriend by this time, but don't worry if you don't, boys are overrated ;). As I'm sitting here rn, on my bed, at 8:15pm on a Friday night, in a global pandemic where we have been in lockdown for 15 days (and I / you have been in self isolation for about 29 days), I thought I'd tell you how much I love you. 2020 so far has definitely been a rollercoaster, if you remember, March - now has been the hardest. But you are so worth it. I don't think I know anyone more worth it than you. Don't ever let anyone take you for granted. You are worth so much more than someone just picking you up and using you, but if that does happen, pick yourself up. You've picked yourself up from rock bottom before, you can do it again. With the state of the world at the minute, its easy to crawl back into that part of yourself, who doesn't actually know how much you're actually worth.. (I'm aware I've used 'worth' like 50 times but hey i'm not one with words as we both know). And even though you've done that, for those 29 (and more) days, that doesn't make you weak, or any less what you're worth (again.. I know). The point I'm trying to make is, life is continuously kicking you / us / me down, but you CHOOSE life. Everytime. And that's something to be **** proud of. Like a dandelion through the pavement, I persist. Me and mum have almost finished the fifth season of How To Get Away With ******, (hopefully you've now watched season 6 and figured out what the hell is going on!!!), and I don't think I realised until today how much of a big impact it has had on me. I don't think I've admired anyone more than Annalise Keating. I know she's fictional, but she's incredible. She has made me love myself, which hopefully works out for you because hopefully you are loving yourself more than ever. Things I love so much about you is how kind you are, which I often take as being a pushover, which we can be, but my goodness you have a big heart. And with all that loving and helping everyone else you do, letting them enter your heart, surely there's enough room for one 19 year old who just wants to be happy :). The things I thought I hated about myself / us, are the things that make us, us. The dimples in your cheeks when you smile, and your smile which can be as wide as the Cheshire Cat's when you're laughing. Your eyes which have seen so much, but still can be just as kind when you really look into them, and the creases under them when you smile just proves how much laughing you've done when you're with the right people. The way you are with the kids makes me want to be that girl everyday. I am currently a mess, but aren't some messes beautiful? I'm a work in progress, but I promise you I will work my arse off to make sure that when you receive this, you're as happy as you can be and so loved by yourself. And if you're not? Well, you've survived 100% of your worst days yet. That's 21 years worth. But if you still have your dynamos, can see the kids, have your loving family, a roof over your head, and food on the table, then that's all you need to get through the bad days. There's always sunshine if you look for it, there's always something to laugh or smile about, and there for sure is something beautiful in everyday. You were created with a perfect palette. A palette of intelligence, stubbornness, humour, passion, and beauty and lots more that I'm willing to look into myself to find, for you. I don't know what the future holds, but I will make a future, for you, for me. Love, 19 year old me x

Epilogue

about 2 years later

Dear 19 year old me,

Wow, sometimes I think past me is more wise than current me, but we are the same person so I have that wisdom somewhere ha!...

.
Wn,o et)relt, donw pedsiu aikltng 23 ’mi in my htat you cgdaenh fiel s12t leectoympl hw(o dna my ot reay are in. Yrea het tbse my adn asw twros fiel it of. Em ym eatgr ehdcidt hcpat a were saw gngoi sa 21ts my a dams‘o’ny hdaytirb neo, ew ruhgo tourhhg tno. Sbretmpee e,yar hte yna nodw meco oknw all ti idd wuldo eb awy ttah isdefnr ou’nwdlt htwi i nda eth hrohgttouu fo cnbgmrilu i by tetlli ehmt. Cidre but or ,oryrw su gmhti hte geonuh ep,stu uyo ttah orf ’eiv ouy, emak ndot’ fo obht hosck. Emsmisote oelpep dan ntwa esme hety all kn,wo tearn’ htat ot i hwat oyu. Atht eru,slfo hnitk t21s tujs ear epelop amny my era teitll eary ttha tdd’ni os atps we you aslreei atscntoyln hte ttah reonas tinul of so ew rea ti ehret rfom nradou. I suciilad dt’din dagutear nad rey,a ppdrdoe i aols atht uto acmeeb eiynstlen. Ievl tub othwuit i nkwo who lwudo psdilep end abel ddnti’ to ym …goya ofr iwht and otni i olev it moesnoe gto i egbin ndfuewno pu a woh uhgotrh tno life. Lecimhlt uro. Ehs no shti clmtyoelep e,m jtus ritgh hmi dna ,olrwd dwlou spetveepcir uoy my is iereyhtvgn atht s’he file ni oelv eanghcd. .
I erfta ddi gidaratung eyra up kabc i 3202 end my in fof 2st1 ihwt a adn yrea in iun tnwe ulyj 1:2 ,em i a audgadret tuhgho. Uolwd so oyu be pdour. Os am i duopr. Ym off the wef a and of itrfs a eggbsti on pu edden ngbie and my to i msakr ecetorinpp mveetainehc aws erntsiotdais :) oiclungnles ,edta ti’s no,.
.
Eben a i mionvg uot edir, viignl eendd t’is eht esbt ubt ihtw hilct,eml isinocde up nad evre. Rditainotess hgrit aery, it ni leidmd nda lats my ti and lot drdagna a ckhos ht,ru saw fo the a giirntw died. Otu og pucleo you omtshn lal ees adh letl cou’dntl dlouc he,om of he at onti ,rtelte imh og vstii imh you a uyo i retfa i oyu to ahtt yaawny swhi dna ,ocdlnkow etfra a rotwe and ot come utb. Eht sah eenriusv wnko i( lfee yuo wll,i) tdno’ os your akcb bda.
.
Locud i eltl ahtt ghitsn htrsee ihsw yuo i. Drpuo of i yuo how am like. Saw i eht ni irednk 4 fo how ot syare i you atenids otmnme atelr hwsi. Ubt am iseorpm lehagni i i y,ou. Adn i ot bobred eufsorl i mrof ton’d eben, inkedr nnrei wgnroik ylesmf wsa ihcdl vree su than of tpsra ruo on am to otshe to heal i fmyels leah am vhae e,lki ew eginb warndi atht. A 4 nda i llew sa onfud yrou uro nad yrtbidha sy(e on !l,erte!)t liltte out wnpehes ’mi seienc d’i am ew cseeaub tnwirgi isth aetfr nw,o a haev nad nipmog igsthn obtrhre h31t ew nt’ear enrcyrtlu ehdlpe higrt bit npwseeh sa goign. Oirnkwg that ma eomtnghis si i no utb. I ’ndto thsi no am woirngk elfe adeinsrubo taht utrh yraonme ew so. Ot is rsou yiiseplrinosbt ton hodl ot it rothe ethy otn laed uro ,us tpioncxtease eplpeos rae thwi fo. Of taht ligodnh a dan lot owkn eo’uyr i. Donw mi’ ist’ to htoes gnlltie ngihst akoy yuo tpu. To ti’s opeepl oyak voel ipoistpnda you. Tis’ efi,l ucebaes hetri ’sti otn syour. Ielf to lignvi the sele uohntsl’d ’ehyter no not ogind you llet eb uoy eascebu noe tapiaycc athw dna oury dloshu has. Ndogi aer rouy uroye’ htta crsceoaseis ot wsteniess ear all twah alierty to they. Mtsetar ntiognh me. Ndap,peeh doh’lsvue heav kbac, it teh uory uwodl will fi rnivuese vahe ti. Rmfo gotrhuh tath dna cdoesnsii emliclth ehvt’an oyu ti ithgnnki i rsfti meprios p(aatr ayn touhwti i luyfl eadm. . Ceusa hftgi ohw vo)e?l acn. Tuo of onkw the lal dnsrefi ton eb su fo trtele igneb ydasmon no wiht i yaxpfiethder yollu’ isht. Ilef hsit in na’tc hitsgn corfe ubt uoy. Tyeh rfo su, ton hyet each doog dgoo tub dtn’o rof retyeh’ it not etohr erwe oknw. Meor rotwh infpidserh tawh ear eecdievr so hte adn dna vole rea yuo pyet cmhu cuhm etbtre ouy of dna hnat so ginve uoy ewer. No they e)m attack draawkw thtwoui to ruo ays oemc it yruo ot eth ear snmoya,d i uto, ducol swih i doflowel oweldal si cesbuae eingb oot na hfsrienpid teh hwta nde na oshce tyhe it ewhn su pnelsitaroy ned ot adn ehnt but ctu ot eblmda saw (hcwhi stighn rhoet. Rohtw dna sstseanni tiwh ihnkingt uv’eyo hte etetrad eev’yht are wtorh tno era sucebea uery’o uoy lla uoy eth atubo olwr,d of tbu neon hnwe leeppo si ilek stlo. Troyhw ym oy,u fsmyle, tdeinn syad in nesdp tefuur su the nbgei dna i fo ot.
.
’mi ry,ros.
M,e reiofgv esepla.
,yuo hantk.
I olev you.
.
El,vo.
X eyar dol 32 em.

This user has written an update to this letter.To see what they wrote, please

Press ← and → on your keyboard to move between letters

Write new comment

Load more comments