A letter from April 10th, 2020

Peaceful right?

Dear FutureMe, If I'm right, (which I am ofc), today is your 21st birthday. Happy birthday E <3 Who'd have thought we'd get here?? I hope you are getting spoiled, by yourself, and remembering that not all birthdays are terrible :). I hope you still have your dynamos (you better, 'cause they're the bestest friends in the world), to party with, but not TOO hard, 'cause we know how that ends! At this current time, you're probably in the middle (I hope in the middle, please don't procrastinate!!), of writing your dissertation on whatever you have chosen! (I still currently think it should be about white privilege in society, but I won't be mad if you choose something better / easier to research :) ). You've nearly graduated, which is a huge achievement, and you should be extremely proud of yourself for everything you've achieved. You may even have a boyfriend by this time, but don't worry if you don't, boys are overrated ;). As I'm sitting here rn, on my bed, at 8:15pm on a Friday night, in a global pandemic where we have been in lockdown for 15 days (and I / you have been in self isolation for about 29 days), I thought I'd tell you how much I love you. 2020 so far has definitely been a rollercoaster, if you remember, March - now has been the hardest. But you are so worth it. I don't think I know anyone more worth it than you. Don't ever let anyone take you for granted. You are worth so much more than someone just picking you up and using you, but if that does happen, pick yourself up. You've picked yourself up from rock bottom before, you can do it again. With the state of the world at the minute, its easy to crawl back into that part of yourself, who doesn't actually know how much you're actually worth.. (I'm aware I've used 'worth' like 50 times but hey i'm not one with words as we both know). And even though you've done that, for those 29 (and more) days, that doesn't make you weak, or any less what you're worth (again.. I know). The point I'm trying to make is, life is continuously kicking you / us / me down, but you CHOOSE life. Everytime. And that's something to be **** proud of. Like a dandelion through the pavement, I persist. Me and mum have almost finished the fifth season of How To Get Away With ******, (hopefully you've now watched season 6 and figured out what the hell is going on!!!), and I don't think I realised until today how much of a big impact it has had on me. I don't think I've admired anyone more than Annalise Keating. I know she's fictional, but she's incredible. She has made me love myself, which hopefully works out for you because hopefully you are loving yourself more than ever. Things I love so much about you is how kind you are, which I often take as being a pushover, which we can be, but my goodness you have a big heart. And with all that loving and helping everyone else you do, letting them enter your heart, surely there's enough room for one 19 year old who just wants to be happy :). The things I thought I hated about myself / us, are the things that make us, us. The dimples in your cheeks when you smile, and your smile which can be as wide as the Cheshire Cat's when you're laughing. Your eyes which have seen so much, but still can be just as kind when you really look into them, and the creases under them when you smile just proves how much laughing you've done when you're with the right people. The way you are with the kids makes me want to be that girl everyday. I am currently a mess, but aren't some messes beautiful? I'm a work in progress, but I promise you I will work my arse off to make sure that when you receive this, you're as happy as you can be and so loved by yourself. And if you're not? Well, you've survived 100% of your worst days yet. That's 21 years worth. But if you still have your dynamos, can see the kids, have your loving family, a roof over your head, and food on the table, then that's all you need to get through the bad days. There's always sunshine if you look for it, there's always something to laugh or smile about, and there for sure is something beautiful in everyday. You were created with a perfect palette. A palette of intelligence, stubbornness, humour, passion, and beauty and lots more that I'm willing to look into myself to find, for you. I don't know what the future holds, but I will make a future, for you, for me. Love, 19 year old me x

Epilogue

about 2 years later

Dear 19 year old me,

Wow, sometimes I think past me is more wise than current me, but we are the same person so I have that wisdom somewhere ha!...

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Raey mi’ iagtknl you and tertle,) elif ym odwn ts21 hngdaec onw, atth rea 23 piueds to lelmyecpto in my (who in. Eht lefi of erya was ym estb dna sotrw ti. Me ngogi n’‘osadym sa hrugo 21ts a ddecthi a otn my cathp my erew n,oe gerta asw rtabdiyh touhgrh ew. Ndow did mhet teh ,raye ndefrsi oudlw nad wnok gmncrliub lal i taht tllite yaw meco eb teh fo yb mtrepbsee i it thwi urohgttuoh yan wd’ltuon. U,setp ouehng ,oyu or hcoks kmae ndt’o het iv’e fo tmihg us fro you tbu ohtb erdci thta rroyw,. Ownk, to wnat uyo ’anret i seme nda eelpop emsseotim thta tawh all eyht. Ti fmro we juts atth atht are ttha arye ttille era ear myna snotalytnc ew itdnd’ ym rheet tnuil nktih epelop t21s unrdoa os os tasp het rufels,o of rliesae yuo ransoe. Dpedorp i rdaategu adn rya,e lyitsnnee i’dntd eecbam uto alos htat csiaulid i. Dlowu igbne eifl ym nokw wofudnne dne onemseo ont lisdepp aleb y…oag to i ghuroth btu oevl ’dintd twtoihu gto orf hwo with toni nda i hwo pu evli i ti a. Rou cmtlhlie. Yuo lefi dcneagh wldr,o shti ni my tighr tsveppiecre stuj levo nda eh’s si atth on she lwdou imh coyleptelm ,me ihevgyrtne. .
Yrea nad i i ,me frtea in 2302 a iwht uni :21 ym ned bcak ts12 hothgu a aery in gaeadtdur i fof up ddi ljuy tenw arntudiagg. So ouy lduow be rdupo. Uopdr os ma i. Ewf dna gsebtgi a ist’ mkras usnoignclel ddnee of the no begin ym iahmteneecv to ym ): saw toesrtnisiad a dan atde, off on, siftr i pu ctoeienprp.
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Sbet eth tbu eevr nmivog iehml,lct irde, i sncoeidi deedn a lviign nad i’ts whti nbee uot pu. Dna of lot ni ti yaer, ti trhgi didelm thru, dan daragnd igntirw stla was coskh a hte ided a iindrsotaets ym. Uyo a owdo,nlkc you nda lal tefar fo he ftear omec otin ot dha go htta him go mhi ueclop ,ehom anyawy etll nda t,erelt ot at i ese a ulocd but uoy tsnohm yuo i hsiw uot vitsi werto tuld’cno. Yoru het ’nodt ieuesrvn feel oyu i( hsa bakc os oknw bad ,l)ilw.
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Ouy tlel hatt etrehs dclou i iwhs i sihntg. Yuo of rdpuo ma i ikle how. Emmton ot fo woh 4 iswh i hte tendsai endrik wsa i ni lerta uoy rasey. Ripoesm i but am ilgeanh yuo, i. On femysl e,ebn edrbob bgien nda ever ot taht dhcil romf hela ninre am rniwogk wsa htna i evah hesot pastr i dneikr of ot us emfyls i ot ma lhea ilke, oruefls we ruo wnidra tn’do. Tou and 3h1t ellw nad ow,n athrbyid eitltl as swhenpe eahv a ertlcnruy pdeleh ae’tnr bit rftea rbotreh no ew ys(e yoru our rnitigw ma dan shnweep gimpno 4 !)el,!ertt i as a dfuon eniesc mi’ hsit useceba id’ nhgist gtihr we iggno. I tub on konrgiw atth ma sngmithoe is. No wriognk sith nd’ot os ma aoisuednbr ew aornmey hurt i leef ttha. Snilorspyibiet aled ruos troeh whit yeht scioaepnxtet uor pselpoe u,s of era not tno is to olhd ot it. Nokw nad honldig of a eyuro’ i olt atht. Nwdo ot m’i ist’ ouy stheo tup ngiltle thigns yoka. Elppoe eolv uyo ot oyak sppnoitiad tsi’. Tiehr si’t bueeasc nto ,elif it’s ysoru. Godin heety’r uoy vinigl eb sha you thsdlno’u hatw lfie and to cpayatci ruoy no eaecusb het lohsud slee ton letl eon. To aeiyrtl y’ueor rea to atwh lla ear yeht ryuo cassroisece senestisw ttha dnogi. Eatmrst me itnongh. Douwl aehv h,penaedp it ruyo ’uhsevodl ehav seirevnu fi ,bcak ilwl hte it. Ofrm i clitlmhe prosime otiuhwt nhtignki nda lfylu oyu desncsiio ti emad hevan’t any i atra(p tfsri hatt rhghtuo. . Oev?l) eausc nac how gihft. Gibne i on the thsi of lla rfineds tou su ton whti knwo onsadym eb reetlt adeyeftihxrp fo lo’yul. Btu nc’at ni flie you tihs inghst fceor. Otn ahec ee’htyr ton rof ofr ti ogdo d’tno know us, good eyth weer but toerh yeht. Omer trbeet hpfrisnide os thaw rae cmhu uoy cmhu tworh adn egivn ewre ouy adn hnta ear eypt fo ivdercee so evlo ouy nad teh. Sifniepdrh cehos ethy wkdaraw ned oeslnarytpi eomc era deblma i u,to ti aws si ot eht flodwleo iegnb wttuioh h(ichw an duclo our i e)m dne eabcseu tuc dna dloalew ahtw utb it ghnsit ot ays us the no ihws oot yhet hwne etroh to uyro an thne ot ktatac m,nyasod. Oubat you subaeec aeettdr ear twhi niktighn elki sisanestn nad uyo’re the tlso fo towhr vou’ey teh are ,rdowl lal enno oyu otn vhtye’e is orwht newh poeepl but. Ef,ylsm aysd fo owryth dnpes ,you entnid i ignbe ot eth in my us nad fetuur.
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Osyrr, i’m.
Efvoirg elpsea e,m.
Uyo, anhtk.
Ouy leov i.
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Vleo,.
32 dlo yare x em.

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