A letter from April 10th, 2020

Peaceful right?

Dear FutureMe, If I'm right, (which I am ofc), today is your 21st birthday. Happy birthday E <3 Who'd have thought we'd get here?? I hope you are getting spoiled, by yourself, and remembering that not all birthdays are terrible :). I hope you still have your dynamos (you better, 'cause they're the bestest friends in the world), to party with, but not TOO hard, 'cause we know how that ends! At this current time, you're probably in the middle (I hope in the middle, please don't procrastinate!!), of writing your dissertation on whatever you have chosen! (I still currently think it should be about white privilege in society, but I won't be mad if you choose something better / easier to research :) ). You've nearly graduated, which is a huge achievement, and you should be extremely proud of yourself for everything you've achieved. You may even have a boyfriend by this time, but don't worry if you don't, boys are overrated ;). As I'm sitting here rn, on my bed, at 8:15pm on a Friday night, in a global pandemic where we have been in lockdown for 15 days (and I / you have been in self isolation for about 29 days), I thought I'd tell you how much I love you. 2020 so far has definitely been a rollercoaster, if you remember, March - now has been the hardest. But you are so worth it. I don't think I know anyone more worth it than you. Don't ever let anyone take you for granted. You are worth so much more than someone just picking you up and using you, but if that does happen, pick yourself up. You've picked yourself up from rock bottom before, you can do it again. With the state of the world at the minute, its easy to crawl back into that part of yourself, who doesn't actually know how much you're actually worth.. (I'm aware I've used 'worth' like 50 times but hey i'm not one with words as we both know). And even though you've done that, for those 29 (and more) days, that doesn't make you weak, or any less what you're worth (again.. I know). The point I'm trying to make is, life is continuously kicking you / us / me down, but you CHOOSE life. Everytime. And that's something to be **** proud of. Like a dandelion through the pavement, I persist. Me and mum have almost finished the fifth season of How To Get Away With ******, (hopefully you've now watched season 6 and figured out what the hell is going on!!!), and I don't think I realised until today how much of a big impact it has had on me. I don't think I've admired anyone more than Annalise Keating. I know she's fictional, but she's incredible. She has made me love myself, which hopefully works out for you because hopefully you are loving yourself more than ever. Things I love so much about you is how kind you are, which I often take as being a pushover, which we can be, but my goodness you have a big heart. And with all that loving and helping everyone else you do, letting them enter your heart, surely there's enough room for one 19 year old who just wants to be happy :). The things I thought I hated about myself / us, are the things that make us, us. The dimples in your cheeks when you smile, and your smile which can be as wide as the Cheshire Cat's when you're laughing. Your eyes which have seen so much, but still can be just as kind when you really look into them, and the creases under them when you smile just proves how much laughing you've done when you're with the right people. The way you are with the kids makes me want to be that girl everyday. I am currently a mess, but aren't some messes beautiful? I'm a work in progress, but I promise you I will work my arse off to make sure that when you receive this, you're as happy as you can be and so loved by yourself. And if you're not? Well, you've survived 100% of your worst days yet. That's 21 years worth. But if you still have your dynamos, can see the kids, have your loving family, a roof over your head, and food on the table, then that's all you need to get through the bad days. There's always sunshine if you look for it, there's always something to laugh or smile about, and there for sure is something beautiful in everyday. You were created with a perfect palette. A palette of intelligence, stubbornness, humour, passion, and beauty and lots more that I'm willing to look into myself to find, for you. I don't know what the future holds, but I will make a future, for you, for me. Love, 19 year old me x

Epilogue

about 2 years later

Dear 19 year old me,

Wow, sometimes I think past me is more wise than current me, but we are the same person so I have that wisdom somewhere ha!...

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1t2s m’i yuo rltt,)ee elif w(oh dpusei tath dwon echgadn latknig ryae my aer ym in ot dan ,won in cplotymlee 23. Fo aeyr adn my wsrot wsa eth ilef sebt ti. Eerw ym habyidtr a ghuro my nto sa s1t2 d‘oa’nyms ecthdid pacth asw we gohhtru ,neo iongg etgar a em. Htta udwl’otn yb ownk einfdrs ecmo onwd wthi ayn littel dan hte fo idd i reemebpts be re,ay gbirmucnl ayw outuroghht i het oduwl lal emth it. Yo,u the odnt’ ,ptuse gmhit cidre ro uoy ahtt v’ie csokh of for gnhuoe su keam o,rywr but both. Eeppol ttha mees hyet all ot i awtn sememsiot uyo adn waht ar’ent nk,ow. Yera ti ttha so 1st2 ,rofelsu we ttah atth eth ietltl orfm oyu osnera aer ym ’ntdid rea daronu of ehrte tsclnyonta os aer ynam ilnut astp we rlesiea tiknh lpoepe jtus. Ahtt casuilid uot ’dtnid ,arey adn yetelisnn meacbe oderpdp i oals i uagaertd. Nwdfneuo a oudlw my iont orhhutg elvo otiwuth nkow ibneg pidplse nto rfo gto pu fiel blea i hwti tub dn’tdi i ned …agyo adn ot eoenoms ohw i evli how ti. Oru ecimhtll. Evppsiecert is seh on nacegdh eirenhvgty ni my ’esh thigr lowud you taht imh hits drow,l tujs iefl leleyocmpt m,e nda vleo. .
Iuatgdrgan twhi ugeddrata did hhgout a ,me i aery kcba a :12 i ni 2203 12ts after dna newt ni edn ffo pu niu my i arye yjul. Os purdo you wludo eb. I so am drupo. Luolnicegsn ebign o,n rksam taioisnrdest a ’sti up fof i nad dan evnciemehat ym my on ntpeirecop bgsgtie eddne eht itsfr a adt,e of ): wfe saw to.
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De,ir i ubt mihtl,lce teh a tbes pu htwi erev bene givlni ended its’ adn nseioicd mgvnio out. Tlo ym of ddganar hoskc a atls asw a eidd ,yrae iasetdtnisor eth t,hru ni mleidd rtihg wgtinri it dna dna it. Wd,nocolk lla ulcpoe ntoi yuo h,ome taht dah afret ot yuo i a cdoul mhi dna yaawny hisw btu og atref itsvi nda him eh of tuo od’ntucl a ellt go lt,eret mntsho yuo ta cmoe i ese terwo to uoy. Ryuo bda i( ouy hte siuenrev has lfee kcab so wil)l, ndo’t kown.
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Iwsh ulcdo yuo i tlel i tnihgs retehs htta. Keil fo rdoup you hwo i ma. Yuo swa teh in woh to eayrs idenkr teral mtenmo i iwsh of 4 nasetid i. Opemris but nlgaihe i ,uyo i am. And ealh fo lsfyme am ew srlufeo uor hvea am no ot rneni hatt ahtn ofrm dcihl nibeg rniadw ahel owrigkn aws i sheot mlsyef dnriek reev i ot ot asprt ,neeb i el,ki us dot’n odbber. No uory isht nad wno, swpeneh wlle hrigt tlilet a sbeeacu lepehd traef a 4 1ht3 hbdiatry gnhsit fnduo we nda tib ma atne’r pomnig gngio i eeicns as otbehrr veha epwensh ruo ’mi rtginwi sa y(es nda di’ uto ew !rt)et!e,l trrcnyleu. Htta si ma nkwirgo i stimngeoh utb no. N’otd ma onkwigr tsih flee i so rhtu ttha isenboaudr ryeoman on we. Ohld si u,s ruo ton to edla iwth it aer leppeso rsuo of herot to ton onteeaticsxp eyth prlyoinseisbti. A dna fo r’yeuo owkn otl htat gohnild i. Onwd tpu ligltne it’s ’mi ot htgsin okay sehot uyo. Ot npiaodispt oayk uyo ppolee ts’i elov. Usyor tno ts’i eirth i’ts besuace flei,. Feil tawh yuo hte yeehtr’ dna nigod lsouhd ouy on lsee ont niigvl ash eon acbseue ot tosd’ulhn etll aaypccti be oruy. Siceraocess ueoy’r era awth lal hatt uryo ongid ylrieat ot ehyt ot istwsnees rea. Nhntiog em tsmrtae. Eth evah fi it ti avhe uoyr reuesvni eenpp,had oevdhlsu’ illw lduow k,bac. Nda tthiuow ghrthuo uyfll i i hveta’n any hatt rtsif ormf tlcehmli ouy amde thnnigik ioerspm (patra ndisocsie ti. . Lvo?e) nca hfgti csaeu woh. Hwit ollyu’ ihst fo us onkw tno be lla uot i fo perhxdeatfiy on ertetl hte aydsonm genib isnfedr. Nhitgs btu lefi in corfe anct’ uoy this. Ofr knwo ofr erwe ehytr’e not it utb ’dton gdoo eyth ,su rehot otn chae ythe oogd. Reom fo yuo reew tpye uoy vloe are rae umch nhta os btetre and veing eeicdver atwh iheidpsnrf hte so cmhu nda nad owrth you. I era ot esdphrfini on nlraeoitpys btu dollawe hatw den hitgns us ctu saw h(chwi si ti an ehyt flolowed ot oerth ythe ti ehtn saond,ym eohcs bngie den an uro nhwe oot i teh ,uto to rwawdka dna akctat say emco wihs ot the elmbad oyur )em ihotuwt uolcd cbaesue. Uacbsee of si orhwt teh v’eoyu iestsanns lla nhwe elik but aer eht wlrdo, ev’heyt lost uyo rtetdae era itnnikhg auotb enon peoepl adn ero’yu iwht oyu not hrwto. Ienndt ym erfuut tyworh uo,y to dpnse i m,yfels nibeg the in su fo dsya nda.
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Ysorr, ’im.
Fivgeor ,em apeles.
Nahkt ,yuo.
Vleo oyu i.
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O,lev.
Em x eyar 32 odl.