A letter from April 10th, 2020

Peaceful right?

Dear FutureMe, If I'm right, (which I am ofc), today is your 21st birthday. Happy birthday E <3 Who'd have thought we'd get here?? I hope you are getting spoiled, by yourself, and remembering that not all birthdays are terrible :). I hope you still have your dynamos (you better, 'cause they're the bestest friends in the world), to party with, but not TOO hard, 'cause we know how that ends! At this current time, you're probably in the middle (I hope in the middle, please don't procrastinate!!), of writing your dissertation on whatever you have chosen! (I still currently think it should be about white privilege in society, but I won't be mad if you choose something better / easier to research :) ). You've nearly graduated, which is a huge achievement, and you should be extremely proud of yourself for everything you've achieved. You may even have a boyfriend by this time, but don't worry if you don't, boys are overrated ;). As I'm sitting here rn, on my bed, at 8:15pm on a Friday night, in a global pandemic where we have been in lockdown for 15 days (and I / you have been in self isolation for about 29 days), I thought I'd tell you how much I love you. 2020 so far has definitely been a rollercoaster, if you remember, March - now has been the hardest. But you are so worth it. I don't think I know anyone more worth it than you. Don't ever let anyone take you for granted. You are worth so much more than someone just picking you up and using you, but if that does happen, pick yourself up. You've picked yourself up from rock bottom before, you can do it again. With the state of the world at the minute, its easy to crawl back into that part of yourself, who doesn't actually know how much you're actually worth.. (I'm aware I've used 'worth' like 50 times but hey i'm not one with words as we both know). And even though you've done that, for those 29 (and more) days, that doesn't make you weak, or any less what you're worth (again.. I know). The point I'm trying to make is, life is continuously kicking you / us / me down, but you CHOOSE life. Everytime. And that's something to be **** proud of. Like a dandelion through the pavement, I persist. Me and mum have almost finished the fifth season of How To Get Away With ******, (hopefully you've now watched season 6 and figured out what the hell is going on!!!), and I don't think I realised until today how much of a big impact it has had on me. I don't think I've admired anyone more than Annalise Keating. I know she's fictional, but she's incredible. She has made me love myself, which hopefully works out for you because hopefully you are loving yourself more than ever. Things I love so much about you is how kind you are, which I often take as being a pushover, which we can be, but my goodness you have a big heart. And with all that loving and helping everyone else you do, letting them enter your heart, surely there's enough room for one 19 year old who just wants to be happy :). The things I thought I hated about myself / us, are the things that make us, us. The dimples in your cheeks when you smile, and your smile which can be as wide as the Cheshire Cat's when you're laughing. Your eyes which have seen so much, but still can be just as kind when you really look into them, and the creases under them when you smile just proves how much laughing you've done when you're with the right people. The way you are with the kids makes me want to be that girl everyday. I am currently a mess, but aren't some messes beautiful? I'm a work in progress, but I promise you I will work my arse off to make sure that when you receive this, you're as happy as you can be and so loved by yourself. And if you're not? Well, you've survived 100% of your worst days yet. That's 21 years worth. But if you still have your dynamos, can see the kids, have your loving family, a roof over your head, and food on the table, then that's all you need to get through the bad days. There's always sunshine if you look for it, there's always something to laugh or smile about, and there for sure is something beautiful in everyday. You were created with a perfect palette. A palette of intelligence, stubbornness, humour, passion, and beauty and lots more that I'm willing to look into myself to find, for you. I don't know what the future holds, but I will make a future, for you, for me. Love, 19 year old me x

Epilogue

about 2 years later

Dear 19 year old me,

Wow, sometimes I think past me is more wise than current me, but we are the same person so I have that wisdom somewhere ha!...

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Er)ttl,e hgadnec tgknila lfie ym ouy onw, owdn ni im’ 23 arey ym emepltlyco ot ni desipu dna rae s2t1 ahtt h(wo. Twsro aeyr adn tseb aws ym of ti het ifle. Hidrtyba ngiog not reagt dno‘aysm’ as a wree ym neo, my cpaht ew hdtiedc asw ghrohtu oguhr 21ts a me. By and ,reya cmoe eltitl of ’toulndw dnow dwluo ouurgothth mhte htat i ddi idrsfne okwn teebemrsp yna it lla eb ayw hte thiw mcnurilgb i eth. Tue,sp eogunh ghmit tdno’ hte v’ie but r,royw dcier emka otbh skohc ,ouy oyu fo tath su ofr or. Hatw ’tearn seem tath olppee atwn i ouy all ot k,wno adn thye mmsotiees. It eieslar arye uyo taltnonsyc stap of era that are that tjsu my tlitle ronsea fomr rae so loepep we anmy t’dind ew sfoule,r s12t aurond tunil ihktn het herte ttha so. Olas lietnnyes dna pporedd i ahtt ’inddt e,ary acembe duiscial i autedarg otu. Niot diseplp up uedownfn got rof feli adn dn’dit ti i dne bale a kown ont i my htorguh liev iwht who hotiwut woh i wuodl but loev msnooee niebg to g…yao. Ruo ceihllmt. Htat erepetsvcip no vterhgneiy yetelcmlpo seh ,em ilef oelv is dna ihm ouy jsut tihs ulodw ’hes eagnchd in r,lodw my htigr. .
Kcab end pu did rtaef ,em tiwh geuadtdra and oghtuh my uggnaraidt yaer 0232 in i 1st2 i aery tnwe a ljyu in off i a 21: iun. Wldou os be ouy proud. Am so i udpor. Ot of a i was erpiponcte onattsiedris amksr on, the needd ffo ): efw eevtaeincmh necnlugsoil nad ym adn my trfsi ’sit no gtebsgi nbegi e,dat a up.
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Ended gminov been inisodce ilngvi a ’tis best up i nda erev ,erid btu the wtih out hlctil,em. Kcosh lsta lddmei yae,r gaddnra uh,rt it raoetsintsdi igwntir ym dide ti was a fo hgirt dan teh in a adn olt. Ubt ot a uoy rfate ouy ttere,l ese aayywn come owter ln,dokocw nsmoth all dc’ntuol you to eh puceol nad i that me,ho og i of ivtsi go ta hwis ferat tou ouy adh oint ihm mih a uocdl and ltle. So kown hte yuo otnd’ fele ahs royu (i ckab siveruen dab l)lw,i.
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Thta htsngi heerst ihsw ducol i i ltle ouy. Ma rduop kile oyu i how of. Rtale ot 4 yuo datensi aws i meotmn of in eht i yresa owh wshi reinkd. Btu yo,u hlianeg am i eiopmrs i. To hldic ruo innre i aws owginrk ohets no eigbn i reve ew su lfymse iknedr dan lsmfye ot odnt’ obdbre tahn oulesrf wrndia htat am prtas to ilek, lhae laeh n,ebe veah romf of i am. No,w tnycrrleu ehav wrtigni ihntgs onigg as ephlde uesabce tletil iscene thsi npseehw llwe oru toehrrb ent’ar as ipngmo ’id dna uroy 31th ’im ew eeswphn i 4 nad ew a found uto aitdrhyb am on l,!eettr!) e(ys tib etrfa dna a tgihr. But is i no nhsmtgeio hatt owrknig ma. Ma this os gornwki siuarebdon ntod’ ew i thru on ttha eefl nermyoa. Htiw otn hetor ppsolee ot yeht ohld ot dlea our usro syteipnisblior of ti aeistpcntoex rae is us, ont. I hlogndi dna ’oeyru a onkw olt taht fo. I’m wodn ’tsi yoka ouy llginte hetso to tinhgs ptu. Velo koya to ouy ppnsaitodi oleppe ’sti. Fil,e urosy s’it otn ebcsaeu ehrti t’si. Ielf adn acpciyta acebues rtyeh’e uyo goidn ot vgnlii sele on ont etll eb het ahs hwat ouy ouyr one u’ldtsnho dshulo. Ueroy’ are twah rae all htat ioacscrsees uyro yeth ot oigdn ot wenstesis teyailr. Ntnhogi em stmerta. Ohsdluev’ lliw hvae wldou cabk, if nseriveu ti haev e,hpdanpe the ryuo ti. Ayn i rifst anhtve’ htat and eiosnsidc lfyul sepomir touwhit htruhgo hinntkgi yuo ra(tpa i limlhcet ti rfmo maed. . Aescu e?vlo) can higft ohw. Eb shti us ont inegb mayosdn yo’llu tihw i otu eth fo aeirexyfhtpd telrte lla of nrfisde ownk no. Flei tnac’ tginhs in tub oyu hist rcoef. It for tehy s,u weer dgoo oogd yehert’ tno on’dt oehrt but fro chae yeht nkow nto. Whta uoy hmuc dna rhowt deevreic eewr ouy os emor evlo of viegn yuo os htan rae het nad cumh are nad yept ifenpdishr tetbre. Swhi kcatat oyur edn is cut ohces oeldfwol ledmba swa to i the chhiw( ti u,ot ot asy aecbesu on teh but oru dwelola i atwh na to awrwadk gbein yteh hpdiensfri trhoe me) an too to are it nhew stnhgi ornsapyeilt then dna htye moec end olduc iotuhwt su sdymnao,. The lla hnew is etisnnsas lkei ouy uoy dan ordw,l bsaeuec not era r’yeuo onne of tub eepolp oslt teh etetadr wrhot rea aotub ikhingnt iwht yeh’vte htrwo vue’yo. Teh oy,u ot in nigbe yhrotw adsy fy,emls nad ym us euturf of spend i tdenin.
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’mi sry,ro.
Em, pelase erfivog.
,uoy ktahn.
Eovl i ouy.
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E,olv.
X 32 em ayer ldo.