A letter from April 10th, 2020

Peaceful right?

Dear FutureMe, If I'm right, (which I am ofc), today is your 21st birthday. Happy birthday E <3 Who'd have thought we'd get here?? I hope you are getting spoiled, by yourself, and remembering that not all birthdays are terrible :). I hope you still have your dynamos (you better, 'cause they're the bestest friends in the world), to party with, but not TOO hard, 'cause we know how that ends! At this current time, you're probably in the middle (I hope in the middle, please don't procrastinate!!), of writing your dissertation on whatever you have chosen! (I still currently think it should be about white privilege in society, but I won't be mad if you choose something better / easier to research :) ). You've nearly graduated, which is a huge achievement, and you should be extremely proud of yourself for everything you've achieved. You may even have a boyfriend by this time, but don't worry if you don't, boys are overrated ;). As I'm sitting here rn, on my bed, at 8:15pm on a Friday night, in a global pandemic where we have been in lockdown for 15 days (and I / you have been in self isolation for about 29 days), I thought I'd tell you how much I love you. 2020 so far has definitely been a rollercoaster, if you remember, March - now has been the hardest. But you are so worth it. I don't think I know anyone more worth it than you. Don't ever let anyone take you for granted. You are worth so much more than someone just picking you up and using you, but if that does happen, pick yourself up. You've picked yourself up from rock bottom before, you can do it again. With the state of the world at the minute, its easy to crawl back into that part of yourself, who doesn't actually know how much you're actually worth.. (I'm aware I've used 'worth' like 50 times but hey i'm not one with words as we both know). And even though you've done that, for those 29 (and more) days, that doesn't make you weak, or any less what you're worth (again.. I know). The point I'm trying to make is, life is continuously kicking you / us / me down, but you CHOOSE life. Everytime. And that's something to be **** proud of. Like a dandelion through the pavement, I persist. Me and mum have almost finished the fifth season of How To Get Away With ******, (hopefully you've now watched season 6 and figured out what the hell is going on!!!), and I don't think I realised until today how much of a big impact it has had on me. I don't think I've admired anyone more than Annalise Keating. I know she's fictional, but she's incredible. She has made me love myself, which hopefully works out for you because hopefully you are loving yourself more than ever. Things I love so much about you is how kind you are, which I often take as being a pushover, which we can be, but my goodness you have a big heart. And with all that loving and helping everyone else you do, letting them enter your heart, surely there's enough room for one 19 year old who just wants to be happy :). The things I thought I hated about myself / us, are the things that make us, us. The dimples in your cheeks when you smile, and your smile which can be as wide as the Cheshire Cat's when you're laughing. Your eyes which have seen so much, but still can be just as kind when you really look into them, and the creases under them when you smile just proves how much laughing you've done when you're with the right people. The way you are with the kids makes me want to be that girl everyday. I am currently a mess, but aren't some messes beautiful? I'm a work in progress, but I promise you I will work my arse off to make sure that when you receive this, you're as happy as you can be and so loved by yourself. And if you're not? Well, you've survived 100% of your worst days yet. That's 21 years worth. But if you still have your dynamos, can see the kids, have your loving family, a roof over your head, and food on the table, then that's all you need to get through the bad days. There's always sunshine if you look for it, there's always something to laugh or smile about, and there for sure is something beautiful in everyday. You were created with a perfect palette. A palette of intelligence, stubbornness, humour, passion, and beauty and lots more that I'm willing to look into myself to find, for you. I don't know what the future holds, but I will make a future, for you, for me. Love, 19 year old me x

Epilogue

about 2 years later

Dear 19 year old me,

Wow, sometimes I think past me is more wise than current me, but we are the same person so I have that wisdom somewhere ha!...

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Ni ym in own, taht t,t)rele peiusd 23 my 1s2t ryae ’mi hnegadc feli nda ear lopcltyeme ndow ot aktlgni yuo how(. Reay it dan lief srwto my estb fo het wsa. Neo, myod’‘nas egtra abyridht em otn a we was gohhurt ggnio my hpact a st12 ihedtdc my hrugo sa ewre. Teh lduwo nwok densrif brpetseem idd tlilet dna wdltuno’ eocm wya raey, hte yb ahtt of meht i eb ayn it i hitw lla dwno gourhttohu nlmcgubir. Sochk het iercd uyo pe,sut utb hatt tnod’ eiv’ htbo fo ro ofr eunohg yrr,ow us ,you gmhit akme. Yteh to ’eatrn peeplo i nk,ow all smee htat dna tsmiesemo awtn oyu tawh. Het naym stuj rfom reeht uoy 1s2t oasren ltinu tath era thta auordn lliett ayre asttlocynn elrsaie so era ew that ti fo euol,fsr so ew ym atsp olppee ktihn tndi’d ear. I ,aery ilsaucid ttha drpedop rgdueata td’dni i ecemab aslo sneiylent and otu. I konw my ntio nto eovl but pu …goya i edn tog emnoeso it bael ldwuo fro i htouwti ohw nbegi lvie elidpps ot a woh dan fdnoneuw lief tohughr td’nid htiw. Celmihlt uor. Ntyhrviege no luowd e’sh oletpylemc ni si taht she ym ihts yuo dcghena dna em, ithrg leif oelv sujt orw,dl sceepevitrp mhi. .
A faret i in end ni thoghu i ym pu eyar a 2203 dan niu rgngaaidut off udaeatrgd 2s1t i ljuy twne me, :12 cbka ithw yaer did. Eb dolwu so drupo you. Pduor i ma os. ,no ot a tad,e adn pu a raskm wfe my i on aws ieidrttnossa igsgbet eth nlungecsoli ist’ inebg ffo peeiopcrtn heenvaetimc my needd ): fo tifrs adn.
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Hti,llmec utb ivmgno teh givnli ri,ed dened sebt i vree up nda uto t’is hwti nebe dinsieco a. My aslt nradgad rhu,t cshok a ey,ra a saw dmeidl tlo eht dan rhgit twirign fo ni ddie and ti it indrtisoaste. Eraft twero dlowcn,ko swhi home, btu you dah otu oeulcp og t’culdno itvsi og nayayw nad at you mceo tlle ot i uyo ot mhi a ees imh odclu thta all nsmoht ntio uoy fo a rttele, and ratfe i he. Uoy i( yruo flee akcb so nokw ahs dno’t dab )iwl,l het uivnrsee.
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Cudlo llte treseh atht i i uyo hsiw ntigsh. Fo hwo eilk i uoy am pudro. Shwi was i fo nisatde yresa mntmoe retla to eht yuo ni ohw nkidre 4 i. Tbu am u,oy gaiheln i pmoseir i. Msfely i am niern wsa su benig hela fsleoru nkeidr ihdcl dan of eodrbb i to idnwra ot ma to oehts ,bene eerv on tarps veah uro gniwrok d’ont atht lmsefy athn we romf i lke,i ahel. Ew veah oru fduno and rghti a wtiigrn 4 rborhet nshigt gnoig tuo ma eswnehp we uory ’mi leehpd elwl eratf stih r)e,!e!ltt n,ow ingpom i sy(e id’ sa th13 tbi auseecb neylctrru rna’et ltteil a on adn as taidrbyh enecis dan neepshw. Am rwgkoin is i hatt onesmgith utb on. I we so ’tond ma htta htis eynarom ruednasboi grkoiwn on eefl hrtu. Bstplonreiiyis not dlea oesplep hitw cstteeioaxpn ruso ti lohd su, of ear si ot htey rothe uro ton ot. Ownk of olt a nda eru’yo ahtt nldgoih i. Ohets inhsgt upt yoak im’ illetgn t’is ot you odwn. Uoy oyak loev lopeep ot t’is diiaoptpsn. Ethir ,efli its’ ursoy otn ’tsi cusebae. Yoru vigiln nad eno eseuabc eety’hr oyu lonut’dhs no idong eesl eb to ont housld the llte file uoy aipytcac sah hwta. Ot ssareciceso oyru atht awth lla aer ’oeyru ogidn ot ehyt tesiwenss era rayliet. Rsmeatt otngnhi em. Ahve the avhe uvohd’sle uevrisne will it ti oruy cb,ka udolw if nph,eaedp. Ininthgk i ttah rftsi (ptaar oyu eamd ti lfylu morf i anehvt’ mctihell csdnisoei yna dan empoirs ohturhg ithwtou. . V?loe) gthfi how aecsu cna. Of kown ully’o i no ton hte frsnide otu inbeg all whit fo su iths eryfexaphdit dasmnyo ltrtee be. You hsingt t’cna siht feil erofc in ubt. Ofr not odgo erwe it teyh ogod tyr’hee yeht nto for oreth no’dt nowk u,s ubt chea. Htan eettbr oelv dna horwt eomr rwee uchm rea rae dan rdnfhpiesi waht of so the ouy and mchu so ceevider ouy ouy givne ypte. Nad asy negib to ahtw i shiw si etsilaporyn ot on ryou i tiuwtoh ubt udloc ot it it nde csohe e)m na hrote are gthisn wdaakwr su our mbedla meoc ythe oot adllweo to hte htye ,tuo newh neth iehrfpisdn an ms,yodna nde wlldoeof asw tatcak tuc cih(hw ecaesub teh. Nhitikng eth eolepp vu’oey onne hrowt edatter eyte’vh all ear btu ouy nwhe fo ouy esacbue rae ielk nda the rtwho wdo,lr olst uotba assesntni si ont twhi ryo’eu. Ureutf in i my ,lfemys of ot dna su you, rhtoyw gebin ysad dninte pdnse eth.
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Yr,osr im’.
Elaeps ,me vifgoer.
Ktanh u,yo.
Yuo i oelv.
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E,lov.
23 ldo x raye me.