A letter from April 10th, 2020

Peaceful right?

Dear FutureMe, If I'm right, (which I am ofc), today is your 21st birthday. Happy birthday E <3 Who'd have thought we'd get here?? I hope you are getting spoiled, by yourself, and remembering that not all birthdays are terrible :). I hope you still have your dynamos (you better, 'cause they're the bestest friends in the world), to party with, but not TOO hard, 'cause we know how that ends! At this current time, you're probably in the middle (I hope in the middle, please don't procrastinate!!), of writing your dissertation on whatever you have chosen! (I still currently think it should be about white privilege in society, but I won't be mad if you choose something better / easier to research :) ). You've nearly graduated, which is a huge achievement, and you should be extremely proud of yourself for everything you've achieved. You may even have a boyfriend by this time, but don't worry if you don't, boys are overrated ;). As I'm sitting here rn, on my bed, at 8:15pm on a Friday night, in a global pandemic where we have been in lockdown for 15 days (and I / you have been in self isolation for about 29 days), I thought I'd tell you how much I love you. 2020 so far has definitely been a rollercoaster, if you remember, March - now has been the hardest. But you are so worth it. I don't think I know anyone more worth it than you. Don't ever let anyone take you for granted. You are worth so much more than someone just picking you up and using you, but if that does happen, pick yourself up. You've picked yourself up from rock bottom before, you can do it again. With the state of the world at the minute, its easy to crawl back into that part of yourself, who doesn't actually know how much you're actually worth.. (I'm aware I've used 'worth' like 50 times but hey i'm not one with words as we both know). And even though you've done that, for those 29 (and more) days, that doesn't make you weak, or any less what you're worth (again.. I know). The point I'm trying to make is, life is continuously kicking you / us / me down, but you CHOOSE life. Everytime. And that's something to be **** proud of. Like a dandelion through the pavement, I persist. Me and mum have almost finished the fifth season of How To Get Away With ******, (hopefully you've now watched season 6 and figured out what the hell is going on!!!), and I don't think I realised until today how much of a big impact it has had on me. I don't think I've admired anyone more than Annalise Keating. I know she's fictional, but she's incredible. She has made me love myself, which hopefully works out for you because hopefully you are loving yourself more than ever. Things I love so much about you is how kind you are, which I often take as being a pushover, which we can be, but my goodness you have a big heart. And with all that loving and helping everyone else you do, letting them enter your heart, surely there's enough room for one 19 year old who just wants to be happy :). The things I thought I hated about myself / us, are the things that make us, us. The dimples in your cheeks when you smile, and your smile which can be as wide as the Cheshire Cat's when you're laughing. Your eyes which have seen so much, but still can be just as kind when you really look into them, and the creases under them when you smile just proves how much laughing you've done when you're with the right people. The way you are with the kids makes me want to be that girl everyday. I am currently a mess, but aren't some messes beautiful? I'm a work in progress, but I promise you I will work my arse off to make sure that when you receive this, you're as happy as you can be and so loved by yourself. And if you're not? Well, you've survived 100% of your worst days yet. That's 21 years worth. But if you still have your dynamos, can see the kids, have your loving family, a roof over your head, and food on the table, then that's all you need to get through the bad days. There's always sunshine if you look for it, there's always something to laugh or smile about, and there for sure is something beautiful in everyday. You were created with a perfect palette. A palette of intelligence, stubbornness, humour, passion, and beauty and lots more that I'm willing to look into myself to find, for you. I don't know what the future holds, but I will make a future, for you, for me. Love, 19 year old me x

Epilogue

about 2 years later

Dear 19 year old me,

Wow, sometimes I think past me is more wise than current me, but we are the same person so I have that wisdom somewhere ha!...

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Ot reay in odwn atth my my m’i uyo 23 dueips tr)teel, no,w dnagche t2s1 moeyltclep in and elif owh( aer agtklin. And it yaer the twosr setb of lfei swa my. Sa icdthed 12st me ggion wsa my irabhtyd ew n,eo oasmdyn‘’ ym grouh rhhtgou haptc a were graet a otn. Twih ucinrglmb otuthorhug nad uld’tnwo cmeo meeprtsbe eb eht yb idd edfsinr fo htta ettlil it wdoul meth onwk lal het i yrae, nya wodn i ywa. ’vie thta tub ,uoy amek ro us skcoh teh egounh orf gmhti oyu ro,wyr tobh fo e,puts tndo’ rdice. I oppeel ’retna smsitmoee awth all atth you emes wnat tyeh wnok, nda ot. Liunt sfo,ulre we so ncttanlyso tnkih ynma ttha taht tspa sujt we my ttha ehret peploe the raye rea arosen rndaou rae 2t1s ofmr ’tidnd rlieeas era ouy it tlliet so fo. Earaudgt i etnlnyise tin’dd i bcmeae uto aols and csadilui eya,r dedpopr thta. Adn leif woh ym lbae thiw ton a wnfeunod woh but onwk eilv up i den ngebi ot idpspel lduow i utohhgr ti emnoeos …oayg oint i ofr wtutiho otg inddt’ voel. Oru hciemllt. Yuo o,dwlr he’s eercstpipev hits is ouwdl tath feil in nda eeyltmopcl tujs ym hmi gtrih she on hernvygeti veol ,me dchaegn. .
A ,em wnte agdagturni niu 2203 a erya ujly nda idd 1:2 ithw 2t1s ni pu i bakc ffo my dne i erya ni hthgou reaft i egtdaruda. Uoy proud os oldwu eb. Os ma rpuod i. ,taed rskma ot gnieb uolislcnegn off my of on t’is i swa a few topeprncei my :) up diittsonesar irtfs n,o a the nda deden nda bistgeg tnieecmevha.
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With inoecdis etbs ts’i dndee vere a rdi,e eneb viglni tub teh up dan ngmovi uto lcmtlh,ei i. Ti it mdldie ni idde the stla lot er,ay ym sinrdoestati nda saw thr,u tgriniw ghtir a argddna and cskoh fo a. Ftera iswh ihm nda uyo og teorw ot i ehm,o htat of mcoe yuo cleuop octldun’ adh eert,lt oow,ldckn niot i og ot btu yyanwa faret all mtnhos and a eh yuo lucdo mhi visti ese otu llte yuo a at. So bda uyro oknw t’ndo wi),ll sha reevnsui i( uyo eht cakb eefl.
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I ucold you nshgit ttah i sehter ishw ellt. Fo i am ohw prudo uyo lkie. Leart i esray in 4 to i who krendi neitads eth siwh fo saw motemn you. Soemipr gnhelai ma tbu i i yuo,. Doebrb neeb, ond’t iradwn to am aws i tnah i to no ever i fo our adn rapst am su ot rnkedi nibeg hatt ninre rowinkg elha e,lik hlea chldi feyslm elyfms hoset lfsuero heva we rmfo. Lterrnuyc 4 itrwnig e!,tl)etr! a ew seicen tou wpseenh sa tteill ehav n,wo sa sghitn on ebrthro lwle dna es(y rou odnfu i higtr casebeu t’aenr ouyr ehpwesn hldepe htriybda adn gimnpo sith 3ht1 we mi’ a freat and bti ma ’id oggni. Ma gmnhsoite is btu i on taht rnikgwo. Shti ognriwk am os i no oasdnubrei we oamreyn hurt dnot’ fele htat. Us, aixctpntseeo ot whit si of oppesle hdol tno hotre ot eyth dael ruo ruos sonbtpsiiierly otn rea ti. O’uyer tol hogdlin i owkn fo a ttah nda. Owdn ltenlgi oyka ptu theos ’mi ngisht to you i’st. Eeppol ti’s voel to oyka dotippians uyo. Hirte i’ts uosyr not buaeces tis’ ,lefi. To uolhds hsa yruo ccytaiap eles eey’rth oyu no letl awth gdnio aeeusbc tsuolnd’h uyo eilf not teh one be dna gvnili. Wtah ot to atth uyro era dnigo lratiey eascorsseic aer enestswsi ythe yor’ue lal. Mesrtta itonghn em. Aveh wlil soudlevh’ it ti fi the nerseuiv bkac, ,nephadep ryou veah owudl. Osmperi ahtt uwhitto adn i ormf i aemd kihngnit vn’eath tisfr rguthho (tpraa nya lfluy oyu dnsoesiic ihmlclte ti. . Hgtif )eov?l nac woh cseua. Eb uto su fo msynaod i all iebgn olyu’l wnko siht rfnedis no fo iraeyexdpfht reltte tno twih eht. In ’ncat btu elif rcoef you sihtgn thsi. Ogod haec it ubt odog were otn yeth rof yteh ,us for not konw othre hr’eyte d’otn. Rae tohwr rae orem os yuo os yept dan oyu cmhu hawt adn muhc of pdsrhenifi you rbeett lvoe eerdveic iengv were eht and ntha. Llewdoa ot nhew sthnig )em ruyo foloewld it tcu to to ruo den cseho genbi i i lpriosnetya shwi it asy mceo htye sdamn,oy thne an rnsfdpiihe eht uhttowi twha lembda adn to dkrwwaa which( tyeh na uo,t oot asw ocdlu si abuscee atkcat ohetr eth us ear den no but. Aer butao all e’evyht nwhe eploep uoy traeetd si neon aer the tlso buseace fo ntghniik wthro uoy tub yuevo’ not otrhw yu’reo nsssitane and hte rwlod, like wiht. In thoryw eth us ye,lsfm nda uefrtu sdya fo niebg nnteid to sendp i my ouy,.
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’im ys,ror.
Peesal m,e fgroeiv.
,uyo knath.
Vole i uyo.
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Evl,o.
Em x odl 23 raye.