A letter from April 10th, 2020

Peaceful right?

Dear FutureMe, If I'm right, (which I am ofc), today is your 21st birthday. Happy birthday E <3 Who'd have thought we'd get here?? I hope you are getting spoiled, by yourself, and remembering that not all birthdays are terrible :). I hope you still have your dynamos (you better, 'cause they're the bestest friends in the world), to party with, but not TOO hard, 'cause we know how that ends! At this current time, you're probably in the middle (I hope in the middle, please don't procrastinate!!), of writing your dissertation on whatever you have chosen! (I still currently think it should be about white privilege in society, but I won't be mad if you choose something better / easier to research :) ). You've nearly graduated, which is a huge achievement, and you should be extremely proud of yourself for everything you've achieved. You may even have a boyfriend by this time, but don't worry if you don't, boys are overrated ;). As I'm sitting here rn, on my bed, at 8:15pm on a Friday night, in a global pandemic where we have been in lockdown for 15 days (and I / you have been in self isolation for about 29 days), I thought I'd tell you how much I love you. 2020 so far has definitely been a rollercoaster, if you remember, March - now has been the hardest. But you are so worth it. I don't think I know anyone more worth it than you. Don't ever let anyone take you for granted. You are worth so much more than someone just picking you up and using you, but if that does happen, pick yourself up. You've picked yourself up from rock bottom before, you can do it again. With the state of the world at the minute, its easy to crawl back into that part of yourself, who doesn't actually know how much you're actually worth.. (I'm aware I've used 'worth' like 50 times but hey i'm not one with words as we both know). And even though you've done that, for those 29 (and more) days, that doesn't make you weak, or any less what you're worth (again.. I know). The point I'm trying to make is, life is continuously kicking you / us / me down, but you CHOOSE life. Everytime. And that's something to be **** proud of. Like a dandelion through the pavement, I persist. Me and mum have almost finished the fifth season of How To Get Away With ******, (hopefully you've now watched season 6 and figured out what the hell is going on!!!), and I don't think I realised until today how much of a big impact it has had on me. I don't think I've admired anyone more than Annalise Keating. I know she's fictional, but she's incredible. She has made me love myself, which hopefully works out for you because hopefully you are loving yourself more than ever. Things I love so much about you is how kind you are, which I often take as being a pushover, which we can be, but my goodness you have a big heart. And with all that loving and helping everyone else you do, letting them enter your heart, surely there's enough room for one 19 year old who just wants to be happy :). The things I thought I hated about myself / us, are the things that make us, us. The dimples in your cheeks when you smile, and your smile which can be as wide as the Cheshire Cat's when you're laughing. Your eyes which have seen so much, but still can be just as kind when you really look into them, and the creases under them when you smile just proves how much laughing you've done when you're with the right people. The way you are with the kids makes me want to be that girl everyday. I am currently a mess, but aren't some messes beautiful? I'm a work in progress, but I promise you I will work my arse off to make sure that when you receive this, you're as happy as you can be and so loved by yourself. And if you're not? Well, you've survived 100% of your worst days yet. That's 21 years worth. But if you still have your dynamos, can see the kids, have your loving family, a roof over your head, and food on the table, then that's all you need to get through the bad days. There's always sunshine if you look for it, there's always something to laugh or smile about, and there for sure is something beautiful in everyday. You were created with a perfect palette. A palette of intelligence, stubbornness, humour, passion, and beauty and lots more that I'm willing to look into myself to find, for you. I don't know what the future holds, but I will make a future, for you, for me. Love, 19 year old me x

Epilogue

about 2 years later

Dear 19 year old me,

Wow, sometimes I think past me is more wise than current me, but we are the same person so I have that wisdom somewhere ha!...

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(how aer my idpuse nwo, ym yuo hatt tlngkai ni s12t ecdngah arye 32 lmlecpytoe wdon ifle ere)lt,t ot m’i in dan. Swa lfie my eht steb dna orwts arey ti of. As hrhugto we my getar a ’ndo‘amys rewe ggnoi swa ym em ditcehd 2ts1 pthca otn hguor eno, a yrtidbah. Yae,r lal illtte be truohougth tmhe ownd ttha i adn idd dlwou edrfnsi ocme it ’dtnuolw twih the nkow of by ngircmblu nay i awy stpmeeber teh. Tub us yo,u meka v’ie of ksoch htat euohgn gthim ,wyrro tbho ecird espt,u or het fro ouy d’ont. ,wonk i all nda oepepl oyu hwat ot tanw msee iessomtme hyte trean’ ahtt. So nasltntcoy nodaru roesna ’idtdn so ulint rea ouy htta fo ym anym ti era arisele lepepo ehret yare 21st ttah we era oulfr,es ttelil tath tnkih teh tjus rmfo we apst. Loas i tou ry,ea sntneilye nda ’idndt i ahtt ppodedr uscadili eecmba audeagrt. Ned nbige rof gaoy… vole owh lppieds a i thiw i eooemns ilve ouwdl ti nad but dt’dni oint gto how kwno pu my i htutwio hhogtur bael ot ilef fdewonnu not. Melcliht uro. Ghadenc em, cevpitspree hits in lwdr,o imh is leov on rithg htat ouy my dwuol and hes ’esh etopmeyllc neiyvtgrhe just efli. .
Abck a in me, i tdadureag tfear rgudtgnaai lujy ym oughth 3202 uin ffo i ntew nde did arye hitw t21s a pu i :12 nad ryea ni. Duwol so uoy ourdp eb. Dupor so i am. On a my ,eatd nda up ym asw eth ’tsi off trifs nad i ededn isunlolncge gebtsgi o,n enrocptipe a :) maskr itisdtrasoen aietceenmvh ot fo nbige ewf.
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Gnimvo ubt eidr, s’ti been het l,lhmtcie otu vnliig deden conedisi iwth a i dan eerv tebs up. Gitrh dimeld fo it a triiaensostd and iedd eth lto a dan ym yr,ea ti wsa ,hrtu wntirig aslt sokhc ni rdgdnaa. Ynyawa ese hda lal earft leoupc trefa toin nad go ouy you i a hwis tub a snhmto untol’cd trl,tee taht i he h,emo ,nlodwkco og ertwo hmi ta stiiv dan emoc ot yuo ot hmi yuo uot ltle fo oulcd. Efel uyo has wonk )lwi,l dba abck uory os vensireu i( eth nd’to.
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Tlel sihw i ldcou oyu i ethesr ttah htisng. Kiel you fo i am ruopd who. Sihw eltra to nrkdie momnte woh fo asw uoy hte 4 seray ni i aidtesn i. I i am lhaneig but ouy, psiemro. Tod’n i i heost fo am ienrdk ma ,eebn our bnige leah reev psrta dbbore swa tath irenn nirwad aehv ot to hael no ot meslfy dhlic okrwgin ei,kl osurfle we tanh esfyml i morf us nad. Frtea rhtig and dan 4 gogin tib a sa tihs we a oru atidrbyh i ltelti rcntuerly no snpehwe di’ yrou nwo, am eaebcsu otu se(y onmpgi eepdhl ’mi 3h1t isgnth er’nta lelw )er!el,!tt ahve we fndou tboerrh eweshpn as dna iitnwrg ecisen. Grwknoi si i atth am nhsmotegi on tbu. We rtuh efle ma so ’odnt i htis no rginkwo uerdaonbsi eynmaor that. Orsu si of etoetaxnscpi rohte oru dlae not it lhod ot rsitnsliobpeiy su, ton eloepsp tihw ear ot ythe. That and fo i ou’ery tlo knwo a ihngdol. Yuo oyka tpu hgstni sti’ odnw tilengl sehot m’i ot. Uyo elvo ayok to ptoipniasd eelppo is’t. Csbeeua el,fi etihr its’ s’ti rusyo ont. Hte uyo lfei nto ot odnig ldhsuo dan niivlg ahs caeubse llte eb eon th’ryee no seel todhnlu’s hatw uyo your yccaatpi. To ethy soeriecsacs yrtelia royu giodn that athw rae ot you’re lla nssietesw era. Tmaesrt tonnhgi em. Teh eapehp,nd ti heva aveh if llwi ti uwodl uh’evodsl rivuesne ouyr cak,b. Srpemoi fuyll i any adn i e’avnth aptra( itrsf otuhhrg sicidoesn taht hcimllte uihotwt inikgtnh you maed it rfom. . Asceu hwo lv)?eo nac ihgtf. Ton su of sthi ettelr fo the all ndfeisr nkow no otu i etfdhyaxpire be ylou’l wiht bgien dsomany. Natc’ gihnst you corfe ielf in ihst utb. ,su for it erwe doog nto dtn’o fro thye hotre odgo but heac hyte okwn not ’tryhee. Aer twha rtohw nda dan the ercidvee type oyu fo are ovle ewre ihsferidpn rttebe os uoy hucm anht nvgie and ouy so uhmc eomr. Ruo hwis it i was to asy i ehtor the ned dna saomnyd, ot ut,o reshifdipn tuc wtuioth ot newh on ti hscoe e)m come rea ahtw (whcih the oot su is syripeotlan ofdowlle eeasucb bmdela drwwaak ehyt edwallo but an an den tnsihg einbg taatkc ehyt to oludc oyur then. Nwhe ostl bseeacu peelpo fo rueyo’ tbu the all torhw enno ehvy’te boaut si tteread ’euoyv rae lw,ord ngithnki nssnsieta teh ihtw keli ouy ouy nad rae nto trwho. Gbein ym i psned us to fo ayds het fyslem, othyrw edtnin rutfue ni dna ,ouy.
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Sorry, ’im.
Eofrvig asleep m,e.
Ouy, aktnh.
Yuo i velo.
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Lv,eo.
Me x 23 ryea ldo.