A letter from April 10th, 2020

Peaceful right?

Dear FutureMe, If I'm right, (which I am ofc), today is your 21st birthday. Happy birthday E <3 Who'd have thought we'd get here?? I hope you are getting spoiled, by yourself, and remembering that not all birthdays are terrible :). I hope you still have your dynamos (you better, 'cause they're the bestest friends in the world), to party with, but not TOO hard, 'cause we know how that ends! At this current time, you're probably in the middle (I hope in the middle, please don't procrastinate!!), of writing your dissertation on whatever you have chosen! (I still currently think it should be about white privilege in society, but I won't be mad if you choose something better / easier to research :) ). You've nearly graduated, which is a huge achievement, and you should be extremely proud of yourself for everything you've achieved. You may even have a boyfriend by this time, but don't worry if you don't, boys are overrated ;). As I'm sitting here rn, on my bed, at 8:15pm on a Friday night, in a global pandemic where we have been in lockdown for 15 days (and I / you have been in self isolation for about 29 days), I thought I'd tell you how much I love you. 2020 so far has definitely been a rollercoaster, if you remember, March - now has been the hardest. But you are so worth it. I don't think I know anyone more worth it than you. Don't ever let anyone take you for granted. You are worth so much more than someone just picking you up and using you, but if that does happen, pick yourself up. You've picked yourself up from rock bottom before, you can do it again. With the state of the world at the minute, its easy to crawl back into that part of yourself, who doesn't actually know how much you're actually worth.. (I'm aware I've used 'worth' like 50 times but hey i'm not one with words as we both know). And even though you've done that, for those 29 (and more) days, that doesn't make you weak, or any less what you're worth (again.. I know). The point I'm trying to make is, life is continuously kicking you / us / me down, but you CHOOSE life. Everytime. And that's something to be **** proud of. Like a dandelion through the pavement, I persist. Me and mum have almost finished the fifth season of How To Get Away With ******, (hopefully you've now watched season 6 and figured out what the hell is going on!!!), and I don't think I realised until today how much of a big impact it has had on me. I don't think I've admired anyone more than Annalise Keating. I know she's fictional, but she's incredible. She has made me love myself, which hopefully works out for you because hopefully you are loving yourself more than ever. Things I love so much about you is how kind you are, which I often take as being a pushover, which we can be, but my goodness you have a big heart. And with all that loving and helping everyone else you do, letting them enter your heart, surely there's enough room for one 19 year old who just wants to be happy :). The things I thought I hated about myself / us, are the things that make us, us. The dimples in your cheeks when you smile, and your smile which can be as wide as the Cheshire Cat's when you're laughing. Your eyes which have seen so much, but still can be just as kind when you really look into them, and the creases under them when you smile just proves how much laughing you've done when you're with the right people. The way you are with the kids makes me want to be that girl everyday. I am currently a mess, but aren't some messes beautiful? I'm a work in progress, but I promise you I will work my arse off to make sure that when you receive this, you're as happy as you can be and so loved by yourself. And if you're not? Well, you've survived 100% of your worst days yet. That's 21 years worth. But if you still have your dynamos, can see the kids, have your loving family, a roof over your head, and food on the table, then that's all you need to get through the bad days. There's always sunshine if you look for it, there's always something to laugh or smile about, and there for sure is something beautiful in everyday. You were created with a perfect palette. A palette of intelligence, stubbornness, humour, passion, and beauty and lots more that I'm willing to look into myself to find, for you. I don't know what the future holds, but I will make a future, for you, for me. Love, 19 year old me x

Epilogue

about 2 years later

Dear 19 year old me,

Wow, sometimes I think past me is more wise than current me, but we are the same person so I have that wisdom somewhere ha!...

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Dan sdieup teelopmlcy 23 ohw( to dhngcea 1s2t ym wno, ni hatt in raey dnwo era ym i’m trleet,) atignkl you feli. Het tebs and ilef reay ti aws stwro fo ym. A ton ewer a ne,o ym me st12 yrihbatd trage guthrho ogngi ew yndsom’a‘ was as dethcdi gohru ym phact. Eth eb did i rblnumcig i teh by meco fo ietltl ohuuhtgort down ldnuwot’ ulowd idsefrn ayn ermbestpe ahtt awy iwth lla ti nda mthe ,yrea wnko. Ahtt ro tub ei’v of p,teus dceir eth kame nto’d rfo rwy,ro euhong okhsc otbh thgmi ouy su yo,u. Ehyt uyo tar’en thaw itsmeomes to wnok, nad pelepo atth i lal wnta esem. Etllti apst of daronu lsireea amyn hte ndtdi’ ti htree 2st1 ew noeras we asylnttnco raey my mofr htat ear so epeplo os olrf,sue uyo aer rea nuitl atth kithn utsj thta. ’ntddi dan meecba i ry,ea yliensent taht tuagdear lsoa cusdliia i rdedpop out. And toin a ibneg nowk tog ubt to who tdndi’ hhtguro ti fownnued uowhitt not velo slidppe onoesem hwti nde pu ay…og bela i i ivel eilf i dwlou for woh my. Our cetillmh. Gvhreiyten she’ elov ipesctvpeer ni no aendcgh htta ,lrdwo seh dna leelptmyoc mhi wolud ym uyo ,me utjs iefl si isth rhgit. .
S21t did me, dearadutg wtih tohghu ni my dan kcab a a in iagarungdt up arye 21: atefr yrea i off wetn i 0232 inu yjul i edn. Eb so you duorp wuold. Rdpuo os i am. Fwe a on taesdrisoint oelniuscgnl a ednde evhetmceina up aksmr ’its dna ffo of swa iegnb the ,on adn ym tisfr dta,e i gebitgs ): ncpeeitrop ym ot.
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Eevr ihtw adn tuo steb vilngi teh ’its tbu pu a i dr,ei edned eben inceoisd m,lctelih gnovmi. Adn ym r,aey swa in a rndaadg rtngwii iasdetsnotri hrt,u ldmdei hscok fo lot rgtih ti dan ti teh a died salt. Ta i imh yuo come and tnhmos dolcu a hmi i teler,t of to ubt eo,mh to aertf oyu hwsi nocodlk,w ntoi you troew dtlnouc’ pouelc og og uoy lla yaaynw otu itsvi ttah tfrae see dha eh a nad lelt. Efel acbk uyo wkno irvsnuee has teh (i so oruy lliw), bad ’dont.
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Tlle taht culod uyo i wsih i reehst gnsiht. I iekl fo who am ordup uoy. You tlera tmemon aws wish in yares etaidsn fo hwo 4 i i eirndk teh to. I rpmeois eanhigl am but u,oy i. Selmfy i dnto’ rnein li,ke vahe asw berodb am lroesfu hlcdi fsemyl am ealh ahel dna engib rpsat fmor i no uro htta ot evre rniadw we i to nrkgwoi eenb, oshte ot tnha kdinre of us. Inogg wphense rneat’ i’m a t!l!)er,et nudfo hits thborre teltli ,wno dan nthsig riytadhb ncrlruyet 4 as ma h31t gnrtwii lwel mgiopn on oryu a tgrih ruo d’i itb uot as ew depehl (esy raetf and evah we necise swepneh i sbecuae nda. I on gorkwni ma thmgeniso ttah utb is. Hits am on htur yenarom i nkoirgw efle dnt’o os atth eiarbdnuos ew. Hwit nocetpetaixs ot adel ours tno nto si aer yhte ot ruo ,su lpepsoe rohet ti tonpbisiyiersl lhod of. Eyuo’r i knwo a fo dna ilhdgno ahtt lot. Tohse ouy tup i’m kyoa ot onwd s’it itlgenl hstngi. Uoy elov ’its lpoepe iaopsnpidt kyao ot. Tiehr t’si le,if tis’ ebsuace yruos otn. Ifel ohldsu htaw ’tndhoslu be oyu neo uory ebsceau you on oding eht lese ’ehryet nad sah ot tno niglvi eltl yaictapc. R’yeuo aer ear uory nstiwsees escocsarsei odign lla awth ot riyetal htta ot heyt. Etsartm oihgtnn em. Udlow ilwl vesireun ti vahe bkca, yuro e,apndphe it evha fi hte huev’slod. Uyfll atth a(aptr ouy thhrugo iehclmlt i hkiningt imseorp t’hevan adn any fmor scosnidie it i adme uhwttoi sirft. . Ecsau acn ve)l?o woh gfthi. Eb fo y’uoll nebig wonk aoynmds the fo nto us uot no twhi xrheyptdfaei all i ifndsre isht ettler. Siht hgsitn ni elfi ubt ’ntac oyu rfeoc. U,s nkwo ont erew chea ti odog rfo ndo’t e’thyre utb orf yhet etorh dgoo not tyhe. Oyu uyo os the pety ecervdei uhcm mchu rea twha rwoth os tbrtee ovel eomr uoy of gveni and nsiphfidre ewer adn dna are hnat. Dna si dloolwef ahtw it nitghs igbne ealdolw nde to nde ot liytrnpeaos easbceu yhet nhew ot ubt us swa tuthwio eht ti ays ktacta ehrot whh(ci oru i baeldm cloud na are oechs ehnt yamn,dos ihsw heyt awrawdk em) moce irnhpeifds too teh oyru an ctu tu,o on i to. Nda of tub wehn rea nnsteisas klie wodrl, teh ’tehvye iwth eratted is lsot owrht hrowt rae peloep yeovu’ eonn gnihintk ro’eyu ouy otabu uaecbes nto hte lla uoy. ,uyo densp ym ohrywt ingbe dyas mfey,ls ni i endtni fo ot feturu teh su nad.
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’im sor,yr.
Me, seaepl ofegvri.
You, nathk.
I uoy vloe.
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Ve,ol.
Me eray x lod 23.