A letter from April 10th, 2020

Peaceful right?

Dear FutureMe, If I'm right, (which I am ofc), today is your 21st birthday. Happy birthday E <3 Who'd have thought we'd get here?? I hope you are getting spoiled, by yourself, and remembering that not all birthdays are terrible :). I hope you still have your dynamos (you better, 'cause they're the bestest friends in the world), to party with, but not TOO hard, 'cause we know how that ends! At this current time, you're probably in the middle (I hope in the middle, please don't procrastinate!!), of writing your dissertation on whatever you have chosen! (I still currently think it should be about white privilege in society, but I won't be mad if you choose something better / easier to research :) ). You've nearly graduated, which is a huge achievement, and you should be extremely proud of yourself for everything you've achieved. You may even have a boyfriend by this time, but don't worry if you don't, boys are overrated ;). As I'm sitting here rn, on my bed, at 8:15pm on a Friday night, in a global pandemic where we have been in lockdown for 15 days (and I / you have been in self isolation for about 29 days), I thought I'd tell you how much I love you. 2020 so far has definitely been a rollercoaster, if you remember, March - now has been the hardest. But you are so worth it. I don't think I know anyone more worth it than you. Don't ever let anyone take you for granted. You are worth so much more than someone just picking you up and using you, but if that does happen, pick yourself up. You've picked yourself up from rock bottom before, you can do it again. With the state of the world at the minute, its easy to crawl back into that part of yourself, who doesn't actually know how much you're actually worth.. (I'm aware I've used 'worth' like 50 times but hey i'm not one with words as we both know). And even though you've done that, for those 29 (and more) days, that doesn't make you weak, or any less what you're worth (again.. I know). The point I'm trying to make is, life is continuously kicking you / us / me down, but you CHOOSE life. Everytime. And that's something to be **** proud of. Like a dandelion through the pavement, I persist. Me and mum have almost finished the fifth season of How To Get Away With ******, (hopefully you've now watched season 6 and figured out what the hell is going on!!!), and I don't think I realised until today how much of a big impact it has had on me. I don't think I've admired anyone more than Annalise Keating. I know she's fictional, but she's incredible. She has made me love myself, which hopefully works out for you because hopefully you are loving yourself more than ever. Things I love so much about you is how kind you are, which I often take as being a pushover, which we can be, but my goodness you have a big heart. And with all that loving and helping everyone else you do, letting them enter your heart, surely there's enough room for one 19 year old who just wants to be happy :). The things I thought I hated about myself / us, are the things that make us, us. The dimples in your cheeks when you smile, and your smile which can be as wide as the Cheshire Cat's when you're laughing. Your eyes which have seen so much, but still can be just as kind when you really look into them, and the creases under them when you smile just proves how much laughing you've done when you're with the right people. The way you are with the kids makes me want to be that girl everyday. I am currently a mess, but aren't some messes beautiful? I'm a work in progress, but I promise you I will work my arse off to make sure that when you receive this, you're as happy as you can be and so loved by yourself. And if you're not? Well, you've survived 100% of your worst days yet. That's 21 years worth. But if you still have your dynamos, can see the kids, have your loving family, a roof over your head, and food on the table, then that's all you need to get through the bad days. There's always sunshine if you look for it, there's always something to laugh or smile about, and there for sure is something beautiful in everyday. You were created with a perfect palette. A palette of intelligence, stubbornness, humour, passion, and beauty and lots more that I'm willing to look into myself to find, for you. I don't know what the future holds, but I will make a future, for you, for me. Love, 19 year old me x

Epilogue

about 2 years later

Dear 19 year old me,

Wow, sometimes I think past me is more wise than current me, but we are the same person so I have that wisdom somewhere ha!...

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Iseudp to 32 ktnlaig lcytplmeeo reay acnhged ym tath on,w dnow oh(w in st21 dna uoy my ’mi rtle),te rae feil in. Of ilfe eayr eht it dna setb my osrwt saw. Ym erwe sa 12st otn cthap gtrhouh tager me aws yoasn’m‘d hetdcdi my rohug ew iogng a on,e drythbai a. Fo efdnris way ilttle grhhootuut wnko to’ldnuw teh duolw ddi arye, mhet yan dan i lal ti het onwd ttha ecom eb eepsebmrt mlrunbgci i by tiwh. Cride ,epsut ttha ro su mkea ,yuo oyu rfo ’iev wyrr,o kocsh teh mgthi thbo fo but ueghon n’tod. I lal mees to nr’tea dna atth popele ethy uoy thaw awnt nwok, esotimmse. Teh elopep udoran uoy nluti ti’ddn tspa etreh rae yman fo ym tlilet ahtt we onscttnyal uoser,lf it atht rea eeaislr hatt we 21st ntihk so rea ansoer raey os usjt rofm. I opedrpd ,raey seynltein i aols guraaetd bceeam taht aisdciul and out tnidd’. G…aoy it ot up i i utb my ont for hghtour ned veol tnio got eippsld a tiohwut hwo nowk eomeosn dwlou dnfuneow igneb leab and ni’ddt thiw how eivl i iefl. Ruo itlhelcm. Egcdanh dlwo,r ovle seeiprpectv she tghri ni is sjut hs’e yuo dna e,m no ihst my emtcyollep hmi odwul thta elif reivhegtyn. .
A 2032 in yrae a s12t i guthho i irntgdgaua aeyr iun my i pu nda ckab in yujl ddi eatrf thwi twne 2:1 end em, fof rteadduag. Be you uodrp so wuldo. I so ma proud. Ot wsa arkms adn rnetpociep i ,on ffo my ym dna nsglcolunei of on ednde tisendtsaroi eietehmnvca a ): efw the gebin up a sit’ rsfti ae,dt gigsetb.
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Nad inlvig edden ir,ed cneiosid up telclh,im i sti’ tbu eht tbse eebn thiw a vree givnom out. Kohcs ti dan daardng iasrettdsino a otl ti was ,urth eht rhigt in a ltas ldiedm ,raye deid ym rintiwg fo dna. Lal ouy sviit him lduco ellt otu eh,mo shtonm tub rweot ihws dclou’nt had nad lee,trt ahtt ees and he meoc at ftrea to ot yuo peolcu i a a uoy dnocoklw, ftrea i go fo mih ayynwa yuo og iotn. So sha teh to’nd rouy akcb uoy wnok ,)iwll abd (i elef ivunrese.
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Tath iswh tgishn oudcl i you heesrt i llet. Podur ma eikl ohw yuo of i. Ot ni wsa i tdeinsa 4 woh i teh yuo nedkir whis tlear yresa of omtenm. I alhgine i ma tbu psoimre ,uoy. Owngikr on su ik,el asw i ehsto ahel nee,b irenn eerv irwnad semfyl ot to nto’d dan cdlhi i ruo ttah to morf i we rodbbe drnike lyesmf tspra of nebig hnat ma ma hlae ahev rufleos. Dna sye( htsi a no a irwitng epsnehw we ibytardh as ounfd uroy githr nad ma isntgh aetfr hvae m’i lercnyurt i nda we now, ogngi rohrbet lr!e)tet!, tbi eeabcus 1th3 as gpiomn sewnpeh otu rnaet’ escine id’ wlel llitet delehp rou 4. On i ghoenitms btu wriongk am hatt is. I efel am os ngrwoki ihst rthu arnuesobid htat we not’d morneay on. Edla resliopbnitsiy ont poeelsp to ti lohd htore ithw are ,us tyeh otn fo texctipaoesn ruo ot usor is. Lghniod eour’y fo onkw a i lot thta nda. Ot upt sohte stnghi ykoa ondw ’its oyu m’i ielgltn. Aoyk epeopl ovel to yuo patpisdnio t’is. S’it ’tsi ton lfie, hirte eaucseb uryos. To ’odhlutns dingo tno sha sele eno lefi ytciapca oruy uoy holsud tlel ’etyher hte be wtah no sebeuca dan you igvnli. To all atht era eewisntss to oury wath ry’ueo tyhe aessrccseoi ileatyr goidn aer. Eatsmtr oinghnt me. Will it wodul oyur a,cbk eht it ehav ehea,pdpn nsirueve veah h’dvsluoe if. Nya vehn’ta tifrs lulfy hhgutro r(pata icsdsnoie i ti emltichl ghnitnki mrof ahtt nad deam i uoy rieposm hwotuit. . Elv)o? owh can gthfi uesca. Of sifrden thsi onkw lal of su yadnmos no uot rhydaxeiptfe not hte i eb igenb itwh lrteet yolu’l. You flei utb ni hstign a’tcn reocf hits. Ti rhy’eet fro ,us ont heyt notd’ fro eyth ahce nowk nto tbu odog odog oterh ewer. Breett mcuh ahtn os yuo hrwot velo fo rmeo vnieg so aer adn ediveecr hatw hdpiisrfne eth yuo chum aer yuo ytep nad ewre nda. Rou tub laldeow luocd delmab sypeilrtnoa the y,oamnsd cut huottwi hi(hwc swa shgitn osech hawt eothr oto tyeh tuo, ysa is yteh shiw looelwdf end uroy engib us i nad me) to scuaebe moec on it adwkrwa nthe ctakat fiphsidrne ot ti rae hte an wneh na ot ned i ot. Oyve’u lla but tno ikhtgnin noen sitnassen fo rea hte rwhto with het is elki besacue you stol nhew atdtree ouy dan o,rdwl rhotw oyrue’ epolpe rea ’heevyt outba. The yrowht i dna fy,elms nedsp to us in bgnie my teufru adsy dnetin y,ou of.
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R,syor ’mi.
Em, laespe gofrvie.
Ankth ,uoy.
Oyu elov i.
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O,lev.
Me x lod yrea 32.